Three's Company (1976–1984): Season 8, Episode 3 - The Money Machine - full transcript

♪ Come and knock on our door ♪

♪ Come and knock on our door ♪

♪ We've been waitin' for you ♪

♪ We've been waitin' for you ♪

♪ Where the kisses are
hers and hers and his ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ Come and dance on our floor ♪
♪ Come and dance on our floor ♪

♪ Take a step that is new ♪
♪ Take a step that is new ♪

♪ We've a loveable space
that needs your face ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ You'll see that
life is a ball again ♪



♪ Laughter is calling for you ♪

♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪
♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪
♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

Okay, Jack, I'm ready.

Mmm... and I'm willing and able.

Come on, Jack, we're
missing all the sun.

Oh, the beach?
Oh, Terri, I'm sorry.

I can't go with you after all.

Why not? I have to
go to the bank today.

On Saturday?

Yeah, I know, but they got
this new automatic teller.

And then I'm going downtown



to pick up some dinner
plates for my restaurant.

Oh, that's too bad. Yeah.

But, hey, would you do me a favor
and put on my suntan lotion for me?

It's a dirty job, but
somebody's gotta do it.

Jack!

Oh, hey, what do you think
of my new beach sandals?

I love them.

Jack!

Well, come on, Terri.
Are you kidding me?

In that bikini, nobody
in his right mind

is even gonna
notice your sandals.

Lotion.

Okay. Rubbing!

Spread it on evenly, okay?

Come on, Terri, you're talking
to the master spreader here.

In school, I used to do
this for the girls swim team

at $20 a week.

$20? Yeah, that's
all I could afford.

Okay, now let's
do the other side.

- Okay... Oh, no!
- Jack!

Give me some fun, Terri!

Life can be tough, Jack.

Oh, hi! Hi, Terri.

Ooh, I love your sandals.

See?

I said nobody in his
right mind, remember?

Remember what?

Uh... the Alamo!

On, White Flash! Whoo!

I think he's been baking
too many banana cakes.

Mr. Furley, thank you
for coming so quickly.

Oh, no problem.

That's what landlords are for.

Now how can I help you?

Could you fix the couch?

No.

If there's anything
else you kids need,

just give me a call.

Wait a minute, Mr. Furley.

That couch is on its last legs.

So what? You're not
gonna dance with it.

The springs are about to go.

That's ridiculous.

I fixed it myself
just last week.

See? It's fine.

Well, I've got things to do.

Mr. Furley, if you
do not fix this couch,

we are going to have
to tell your brother Bart.

My brother Bart?

Now you listen to me.

He may own this building,

but when it comes to calling
the signals around here,

I'm the boss!

Okay, we'll tell him that, too.

Okay, go ahead.

I'm not scared of him.

Do what you want.

I'll tell you something else...

those sandals make
you look dumpy!

Select a transaction, please.

Please indicate the amount.

Have a nice day.

Bet that's safer
than in the bank.

Please enter your
personal identification code.

Select a transaction, please.

Uh, cash withdrawal.

Please indicate the amount.

$100, mama!

Thank you.

Have a nice day.

I bet you say that
to all the guys.

Have a nice day.

Huh?

Have a nice day.

Have a nice day.
Have a nice day.

Hey! Hey! Hold it! Hold it!

We got some trouble
here. Have a nice day.

Hang on! Hang on!

Whoo!

Wait a minute! Is
somebody in there?

Up against the wall, buddy.

Aaahhh!

You dropped some money.
It's up against the wall.

Oh. Right, uh... Thank you.

It's so hard to hold
onto money these days.

I was just standing here...

Thank you, officer.
Have a nice...

Terri! Janet!

Aah!

I'm sorry, Janet. I
didn't see a thing.

I'll wait till you get dressed.

Get out! Huh?

Get out! I was gonna...

Get out! Sorry.

Holy cow.

Whoa! What have you got there?

Why do you always go
sneaking around like that, Larry?

Whoopee! What'd
you do, rob a bank?

Shh!

Would you just shh!

Did you rob a bank?

No. Larry, listen to me.

I stuck my card in
the automatic teller,

and the money just
kept pouring out.

It wouldn't stop.

Can I borrow your card?

Larry, I'm in big trouble, man.

You know, this money
doesn't belong to me,

and I don't know
what to do with it.

Did anybody see
you take the money?

No, just a policeman.

Policeman. That's no problem.

Did you give him his share?

Will you get serious?

This is big trouble, man.

I panicked when I saw the cop.

I should have stayed there
and explained it to him,

but I just... I don't know...
I took the money and ran.

Okay, okay, calm down.

What you did is not a crime.

Just pick up the
phone, call the bank,

and confess.

Confess?

Uh, explain. I
meant to say explain.

Larry, the bank is closed today.

That's why I didn't return
the money in the first place.

Well, maybe they have
an answering machine.

Yes! That's right!
That's a good idea.

Why didn't I think of that?

Gosh!

How much money are
we talking about here?

We're talking about a thousand
dollars, thank you very much.

You're right. They do
have an answering machine.

Hello. I'm Jack Tripper.

I have a thousand
dollars of your mon...

Oh, no. I'm in really
big trouble now.

What's the matter? I
didn't wait for the beep.

Jack, would you calm down?

Here's the beep. It's on now.

Would you talk!

Ahem. Hello. I'm Jack Tripper,

and I have a lot of
your money in my hand

because your machine
down there broke...

On the boulevard,
Santa Monica...

Broke down, and, uh...
so, uh, I have a lot of it.

But I'm gonna return
it. It's all here. You see?

I'll take it back Monday
morning, all right?

Bright and early.
You can count on it.

Jack Tripper saying,
"Have a nice... good..."

Bye.

Was that okay? Very good.

Okay, let me see
now. Just relax.

I just have to find a place
to hide this until Monday.

Someplace safe.

Well, if you want me to
take care of it, I could...

Ha!

Was that a yes or a no?

That's a good-bye, Larry.

Jack...

Don't you trust me? Yes...

with everything
except money and girls.

What else is there?

You're gone.

That's the first
place they'd look.

That's the second place.

Bye, Lar.

Oh, I'm late. Okay.

Aah!

Hi, Jack. Mr. Furley, I don't
have any time to talk now.

I got to pick up
some dinner plates.

I'll see you later. Yeah, but...

All right, Jack,
what's the big...

Oh, hi, Mr. Furley.
Where's Jack?

You just missed him.
Boy, was he in a hurry.

I couldn't even tell
him my good news.

What good news?

Well, I just bought
you kids a new couch.

A brand-new couch?

That's right. A brand-new
secondhand couch.

Oh.

Well, there's nothing
too good for my tenants.

Really? Well, in that case,
you know what else we need?

Don't press your luck.

Okay. So when is
this new sofa coming?

They're sending
it over right now.

Great! Oh, great, Mr. Furley.

I hope it's here when I
get back from the market.

Hey, what about this old thing?

Oh, I'm sorry.

Thank you, Mr. Furley.

I meant the couch.

Oh. Oh, that old thing.

I don't care what
you do with it.

Take it out and burn it.

Ooh.

Hey, not bad for secondhand.

Hi, Jack.

Oh, Janet!

Wait till you hear
what happened to me.

What do you think about
our new... It was unbelievable.

Not as unbelievable
as you not...

I found a thousand dollars.

You what?

Well, I didn't exactly find it,

but the money machine
down at the bank

just went crazy and
started spitting it out at me.

What did you do with it?

Well, the bank was
closed, so I brought it home

and I hid it in a
very safe place.

Where? Where?

Well, that's for me to know...

and you to find out.

Come on, Jack!

I gotta put these
dinner plates away.

Aah!

That's not our couch!

You finally noticed.
What do you think?

I think I'm gonna be sick.

Come on. It's not that bad.

Janet...

I hid the money
in our old couch.

You what? Oh, Jack.

Janet, what happened
to the old couch?

Well, uh, Mr. Furley, uh,
brought in the new one,

and he took the old one away.

Where did he take the old one?

I don't know,
Jack. I don't know.

I... I told him he could
take it out and burn it.

You what?

How was I supposed to know you were gonna
hide money in a stupid place like that?

Janet, we've been living
together for seven years!

You should know me by now!

Wait a minute,
Jack. Wait a minute.

We're not thinking.

Mr. Furley would never burn
anything he'd get 50 cents for.

Who would pay him
50 cents for that couch?

I don't know.

Hey, Jack, look at this.

Janet, I'm trying to think.

Where would you
take an old couch?

Brody's Used Furniture Store.

Would you let me concentrate?

"Brody's Used Furniture Store."

That's it!

I have the answer.

He took the couch to
Brody's Used Furniture Store.

Jack, you're a genius.

Janet, I keep telling you,

all you have to do
is use your head.

Hello!

Yeah, I'm interested in a couch!

Yes, a used couch.
Very used, actually.

It's a specific... What? Huh?

Yeah, I can describe it.

It's about this high.

You know, couch height.

Sort of brown.

Sort of brown? Uh, very brown.

Jack, give me the
phone. With little...

Hello? Mr. Brody? Hi.

Yeah, the couch that
we're looking for is beige.

Brown. Okay, it's
beigeish brown.

And it's got three
cushions on it.

Tell him about the
flowers. What flowers?

The little purple flowers.

Those were wine
stains, you idiot!

No, no, not you... Mr. Brody?

He hung up, Jack.
Why would he hang up?

Let's get down there.

Jack! Come on!

Are you ready? Let's go.

Oh, yes, lady. This
is a genuine antique.

They don't make
plastic like that anymore.

Janet, remember,
don't say anything

that'll make him suspect what
we're after, okay? Right, right.

Ahem! Ahem!

Can I help you?

Yes! Uh...

my husband here
and I are newlyweds.

Aw.

We don't know where to start.

There's a bookstore
across the street.

They have all the latest.

No, no, no, no, no.

Pumpkin! No, no.

Uh, what the little
woman is referring to...

We're looking for some
furnishings for our new home.

Oh, the beds are
in there. Excuse me.

There it is! Aah!

Jack!

Be cool. Just play it cool.

Right. I'm playing it cool.

Oops! Oops!

That could have been
a hundred dollar "oops."

Okay, Jack. Just hurry
up and get the money.

Right. Okay.

Hi, bow wow.

Uh, Janet, I think you
better try to get the money.

Why?

I need these
fingers for cooking.

Okay, I'm just kidding.

I'll use my old
charm here. Hang on.

Hey, doggie. What's happening?

Come here, boy! Here, boy!

Here!

Walkeee!

Good dog. That's it.

Nice little Doberman Pinscher
teeth you got there, pal.

You mind if I sit down here?
Is that okay? Okey-doke.

Thank you. Now I'm
just gonna slip this hand...

Be nice, Killer.

Killer? The dog's
name is Killer?

Jack, just be firm.
Show him who's boss.

I think he knows who's boss.

You're interested
in buying this couch?

Well, uh...

actually, we're just
sort of browsing.

Right, browsing. Bu...
ahem... if we were interested,

how much would you be asking?

Make me an offer.

Uh, well, I don't know.

I suppose we could
go as high as $10.

Killer says you're
not even close.

What's he got to do with it?

He loves that couch.

Wait a minute.

You expect me to believe

that a dumb animal...

You hurt his feelings.
That's gonna cost you.

All right. $20.

You heard him.

Listen, you! I don't...

Jack, you're making a fool of
yourself, bargaining with a dog.

Now listen, you. 30 bucks
is all this couch is worth.

That's our final offer,
take it or leave it.

Well, Killer says
it's all yours.

Okay, fine. Here you go. $30.

Okay, Jack, get the money.

Money? What money?

We hid some money in this couch.

You hid money in my couch?

Before it was your couch.

The money's not
here, Janet! What?

It's gone! Did you take it?

No, no, I didn't.

The little guy
sold it to me as is.

That's the way it is: as is.

Oh, Jack.

Let's get out of here, Janet.

Okay.

Wait a second, Jack.

We're not gonna take the couch.

Can we have our $30 back?

Oh, Jack. Mr. Furley?

That's right. He's the only
one who could have taken it.

Mr. Furley? That is impossible.

Janet, when people are
desperate, they just don't think.

Like you right now? Huh?

Jack, you know that Mr. Furley
would never steal anything.

Yeah, that's right. I know.

Then why did you even think it?

Well, he was my last hope.

Hi, you guys. Hi, Terri.

Wow!

Oh, wow! A new couch!

Yeah, thanks to Mr. Furley.

Well, Mr. Furley
may have bought it,

but do you know who's
responsible for getting it?

That's right. Me.

You? Yeah.

If it weren't for me, you two would
still be sitting on that junky old couch.

Ugghhhh.

Something the matter?

Ugghhhh.

She doesn't know what
happened. What happened?

Ugghhhh!

You ought to take
something for that.

Ugghhhh!

Oh, hello. Hello.

We're from the Federated
Bank of Santa Monica.

May we come in?

Oh, certainly. Thank you.

Nice of you to drop in.

Thank you.

Well, uh... ahem...
we're here for the money.

What money?

Doesn't Jack Tripper live here?

Yes. No!

Uh, girls, relax.
I can handle this.

Excuse me.

Now, then, what seems
to be the problem?

Are you Jack Tripper?

No, he moved.

What is going on here, Jack?

Jack?

You did it to me again, Terri.

Listen, the bank told us
you had a lot of their money.

Not a lot. Only a thousand.

Only?

Well, actually,
right now it's, uh...

a little less than a thousand.

How much less?

A thousand.

You're only joking, aren't you?

No.

Where's the money? Uh...

What money?

Not now, Terri. Now now, Terri.

Tell us the truth.

Okay. Uh, well...
Yeah, Jack. Tell us...

Terri, Terri, Terri! Actually...

Jack! Janet!

My mother once told me,

"Honesty is the best policy."

I don't have the money.

They you're going to jail.

Why do I listen to my mother?

Either you come
up with the money,

or you're going to jail.

Wait a minute. Jack hid
the money in the couch

so he could give it back
to the bank on Monday.

But then when Mr. Furley
came in and switched...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Who... who is this Mr. Furley?

He's our landlord.

Yeah, but he's very honest.

Honest as the day is long.

He would never take any money.

Hi, kids!

How do you like my new duds?

They cost a fortune.

Mr. Furley, how could you?

Too conservative?

Excuse me. You're Mr. Furley?

That's right. How are
you? Nice to see you.

By the way, he said he left a
thousand dollars in an old couch.

Do you know what happened to it?

Yeah, I took it.

He admits it?

Keep an eye on him.
I'm calling the police.

The police?

Don't say another word,
Mr. Furley. Look, I...

Mr. Furley, please. You'll
only get yourself in deeper.

Yeah. He's... he's, uh...

There's a simple explanation,
officer, for all of this.

There certainly is.
There certainly is!

He's been under
a terrible strain!

The man has so much
responsibility, he cracked.

Cracked? Who's cracked?

Now does this look
like a well person?

Who's... who's... who's...
Who's... who's... who's...

Who's... who's...

Does that sound
like a well person?

All right, that's it!
Come on, let's go.

No, no, no, no! Wait! You're
not taking him anywhere.

He is not to blame.

If there's anyone responsible
for this whole mess, it's me.

Let's take him in, too.

Wait a minute. Jack was
gonna give you your money back,

but then it disappeared.

He doesn't know what happened.

But I do!

Mr. Furley, shush!

Oh, shush yourself!

If you wanna know
where the money is,

why don't you just
shut up and listen!

Okay. That's more like it.

Now, the money is
right where I put it.

Right under...

It's gone!

Oh, my God! It's gone!

Mr. Furley, take
it... Mr. Furley!

Mr. Furley! Relax!

Oh, my God! He's
hyperventilating.

Take some air in! Take some air!

I think we better
take 'em all in.

Yeah. Come on.

I can't understand it.

I put the money right there

after Larry and I took
out the other couch.

Larry!

You called?

Larry. Larry, listen to me.

Tell me you took the money!

I took the money. Oh, thank you.

It isn't safe to leave
it under a pillow.

You never know
who's gonna take it.

Give the money
to the man, quickly.

Sure.

Can we talk reward at all here?

Would you give him the money!

Don't I even get a thank you?

You? I was the one to find
the money in the first place.

What do I get?

Oh, Mr. Furley,
I could kiss you.

Me, too.

I'd kiss anyone who could
tell me what's going on.

So what do you think?

Will you give me
some time, Janet?

Wait, wait.

Isn't it comfy?

Terri, just...

Janet, sit right there,
will you, for me?

Okay, all right, sure.

Just cross your
legs. That's good.

Terri, right here for a second.

Jack!

Now I'm comfortable!

Wait wait wait wait!

Ow!

You three girls having a tiff?

Well, hello, Mr. Furley.

I didn't hear you knock.

I didn't.

Actually, I came up to tell you

that something's
been bothering me.

I found more than a
thousand dollars in the couch.

How much more?

$1.17 in change.

$1.17?

And you kept it?

Of course he kept it.

Where do you think he got
the money for that jacket?

Just for that, I'm not
going to give it back.

Good-bye, Mr. Furley.

Yeeagghh!

Closed-Captioned by J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA

Three's Company was videotaped
in front of a studio audience.