Three's Company (1976–1984): Season 6, Episode 11 - Macho Man - full transcript

[man] ♪ Come and
knock on our door ♪

[woman] ♪ Come and
knock on our door ♪

♪ We've been waitin' for you ♪

♪ We've been waitin' for you ♪

[both] ♪ Where the kisses
are hers and hers and his ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ Come and dance on our floor ♪
♪ Come and dance on our floor ♪

♪ Take a step that is new ♪
♪ Take a step that is new ♪

♪ We've a loveable space
that needs your face ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ You'll see that life is a ball
again Laughter is calling for you ♪



♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪
♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪
♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

Hi. How are you doing?
It's good to see you.

Hi, Mike. Hi, Terri. I'll be
with you in a second, okay?

Well, well, well.
Things are looking up.

Why, are you leaving?

That's good. I like that.

Listen, cutie, uh,
are you alone?

Yes, and let's keep
it that way, shall we?

Hey, Mike, I'll take a beer
and, uh, I'll see what Terri wants.

Hi, Terri. Oh, hi, Jack.

How was the hospital today?



Oh, it was terrible. I mean, it
was one thing after another.

I mean, there were broken
bones, transfusions, knife wounds.

I have never seen so
much gore in all my life.

Let me get you something to take
your mind off all that. What'll you have?

A Bloody Mary.

[Audience laughing]

I'll get your drink.
Don't bother.

I'll take care of the lady's drink.
Honey, just name your poison.

I will if you take it.

Is he a friend of yours?

I haven't had that bad of a day.

Thanks, fella, but
the lady's with me.

Oh. What's your name? Jack.

Shut up, Jack.

You know what? About that drink,

would you care to have that
here or back at my place?

Okay, fella, listen. I tried to
be patient 'cause you're drunk...

[shrieks] Ow! Ow! Ow! My arm.

Ow!

[karate yells]

[crashing]

So long, buddy. Oh, thank you.

Thanks. [sighs]

What did you do that for?

I was about ready to deck
him when you butted in.

Oh, I knew that. I did.

I just didn't want you to
hurt that creep, that's all.

Oh, well, yeah. I can understand
that. [knuckles cracking]

Probably was good you stepped
in before I made my move.

Nobody messes
around with Jack Tripper.

[screams]

Sorry. It's just, uh, I, uh...

What's wrong with
your tables in this place?

Cindy! Hi, Jack.

I thought I heard someone in here.
What a happy surprise to see you.

Oh, well, thank you. I had
to return Janet's sweater.

And I decided to make some
breakfast. Oh, scrambled eggs.

Scrambled? They're
sunny-side up.

Do the eggs know that?

Look at these poor things.
"Help, help! She's hurting us."

Oh, thanks, Jack. You can
make your own breakfast.

No, I just want some
juice. Oh, it's over...

Oops.

You see, that's what I've missed
around here, is your "oops."

Oops!

Sorry, Jack. Good morning!

Jack! Why don't you use a plate?

Just can't keep his
hands off my cooking.

Cindy, thanks a lot for
bringing my sweater back.

Oh, I hope I didn't stretch it.

My arms are longer than yours.

Oh, yeah, you do have long arms.

How was your date
last night, Janet?

Well, I'll tell you. It was
an evening of pure magic.

Really? Mm-hmm.

I started out with a man
and he turned into an octopus.

How did he do that?

So, how was everything
down at the Regal Beagle?

Oh, uh, nothing
much. Kind of dull.

Hey, Jack, I can't
get this open.

Mr. Muscle... hoo-ah...
at your service. Thanks.

Hurry up, Jack.

Good morning. Hi, Terri.

It'll take dynamite
to open this thing.

Anyway, marmalades
fattening, Janet. Here you are.

Who asked you?

[sighs] Well, since you
don't like my laughing

and you don't like my cooking,
maybe you'll like my leaving, Jack.

What about your breakfast?
Aren't you gonna eat?

After you threw it in the
garbage? No, thank you.

Bye, everybody. Good-bye, Cin.

Mmm. This marmalade is really
good. Thanks for opening it, Terri.

Oh, it was nothing. That's true,
after I loosened it up for you.

Just ignore him.

We missed you at
the Beagle, Janet.

Ha! I was wondering when you
would start gloating about last night.

I'm not gloating, Jack.

Oh, sure, Miss Bionic
Wonder Woman here.

Wh... What happened
down at the Beagle?

Is that all you can think
about, Janet, is the Beagle?

You know, there's
a world out there

filled with crises,
conflicts, hate, inflation,

and all you can think
about is the Beagle?

Sheesh.

What was that all about?

Me, I think.

Let's go see. [moans]

Jack!

Hey, Jack. Jack.

How come you're so mad at Terri?

Mad? At Terri? [doorbell chimes]

Hey, I'm not mad at Terri. Why
would I... She's so sweet and so pretty

and so strong.

Where is she? Huh?

Hello, beautiful but dangerous.

Mike, the bartender,
told me all about it.

I cannot believe
that this tender,

delicate little flower contains
all that destructive force.

Ooh! It's so exciting.

Do you mind telling me what he's
rambling about? Absolutely nothing, Janet.

Nothing? You call it nothing
when your own roommate

demolishes a
masher at the Beagle

with those adorable
little fingers?

You did? Oh, it was...

Terri, why didn't you say
something? It was nothing.

That's true. The
guy was defenseless.

I mean, he had a drink in one
hand... And Jack in the other.

What? Old Jack here
couldn't handle him,

so Terri had to
come to the rescue.

I'm sorry, Jack. I didn't
mean to laugh about it.

Larry, the guy was drunk. You
expect me to hit a defenseless drunk?

No, no, no. Not with
your bodyguard around.

It's not funny, Larry.

I'm sorry, I can't...
Out, you're going.

Bye, Larry. I know
it's not funny...

Take care. Out! Can I come
back when I stop laughing?

Out!

[Larry laughing loudly]

Well, what were you
waiting for? What?

Why didn't you throw him out?
Jack, you're being ridiculous.

No, I'm not. She's the
expert. She could have done it.

All I did was a simple
self-defense trick. That's all, Jack.

A self-defense trick? All the
nurses down at the night shift

had to take a course, so that
they could defend themselves.

Oh, sure. Against
muggers. And doctors.

I'm gonna let the two of you
work this one out for yourselves.

I gotta get to work. Jack? You
know what I think you ought to do?

What? Get Terri to show you
some of those self-defense tricks.

Bye. Bye.

Well, if you'd like, I could
teach you some of those moves.

Ha! [laughing]

Yeah, right. Yeah,
sure. You teach me.

Terri, I was a
boxer in the Navy.

It was just a thought, Jack.

Look, I don't need to learn
any of these rinky-dink,

self-defense
little tricks. Fine.

Except maybe one. Which one?

You know, that move with
the elbow. Ah, yeah, that one.

Okay. Hold your arm out.

You grab one, two,

left leg step in, and
you turn around...

Whoa! Yeah, that's the one.

I can learn that? Sure.

Grab the hand
like this and this.

Two, left leg
in... Left leg in...

Over your head and... [shrieks]

What happened? I tricked you.

I twisted your arm
around your back.

Oh, is that where it is? Yeah.

Your grip was too loose and you weren't
holding me in the right place, okay?

Now you wanna learn
one more? Yeah, sure.

Okay, good. Now, grab
me around the waist.

I like it already. Come
on, Jack, be serious.

Okay. You ready? Yeah.

[karate yells] Ooh!

Okay, that was
good. I took it easy.

I like that. That was good.

Hurry up! Hurry up!

What are you waiting
for? There's no time to lose.

Mr. Furley, what's the
matter? Oh, it's awful.

Big guy, little guy.
Bam, bam, bam, bam!

The nose, the eyes.
This is awful! I can't look!

Would you calm down and
relax. Take deep breaths.

You're not making any sense.

Deep breaths.
That's it, that's it.

That's it. Calm down, calm down.

So it's calm, calm, calm.

Well?

Bam, bam, bam,
bam! There's a mu...

There's a mu... A
mu... A mu-mu-mu...

Mugger? Mugger!

Come on. [both] Mugger!

Terri, watch it. I'll
take care of it. Hey!

All right, Jack.

This will teach you
punks not to mess around

with us law-abiding citizens.

We're fighting back.
He's got a gun, Jack!

Oh, my God. Here. [screams]

Terri, quick, call
the cops. Right.

I am the cops.

Detective Bellows,
Robbery Division.

Thanks to you, the guy who just
robbed the gas station got away.

I'm taking you in. What?

Don't worry, officer,
I got him covered.

Hey, hey, I don't
belong in here.

I'm not a criminal.
Let me out of here.

This is a gross miscarriage
of justice. Is any...

Hi.

Come here often?

Butt me. Butt me? Oh.

I'm Big Eddie.

How do you do? I'm Little Jack.

I'm sorry. Don't mean to cough
in your face and spread germs.

I'll tell you what, why don't I stand
in the no-smoking section over here?

No offense.

You're, uh, standing in
his spot, my man. [growling]

Terribly, terribly
sorry. Excuse me.

Now you're standing in his spot.

Didn't see him. Excuse me.

Now you're in his spot.

So what? I can handle him.

He's holding it for me. Got you.

Hey, if you really like
that spot, you can have it.

Well, thank you. For a price.

That watch ought to
do it. My... My watch?

Hand it over, new boy.

Well, you see this
cost me, uh, uh...

It's got a little sentimental...

Ooh! That hurts.

Ooh!

You ain't gonna haggle
with me, are you?

No, no. Here you
are. Keep the change.

Uh, excuse me for one
minute, will you, fellas?

Nothing personal.

Just a second.

Help! Robbery! Get
me out of here. Help!

Keep it down. Listen, you
gotta get me out of here.

I don't belong here. Should
have thought of that before you

beat up Officer Bellows
and took away his gun.

Listen, fellas.

Hey, Big Eddie... Here's
your watch. I wound it for you.

Oh, say, did you really,
uh, beat up that big cop?

Who me?

Well, he made me
mad! He made him mad.

You understand, huh? Yes!

Talk to me!

Ow!

Butt me.

[coughs] You know...

You call this a cigarette?

It's so weak it caught
me off guard, man.

[yelps]

All right, now we're gonna lay down
some ground rules. You understand?

First, this is the
ground, right?

Whatever you say.

Okay. Gum me.

Gum me?

Give me some gum!

Gum the man. Gum the man.

Make it fast, will ya?

Are you really gonna
book that guy Tripper?

You bet. He's gonna do
time for what he did to me.

Now that's just
your temper talking.

He's not a criminal.
He just made a mistake.

He interfered with an officer
and helped a criminal escape.

I'm throwing the book at him.

Right this way, Mr. Furley.
We're here for Jack Tripper.

I demand a "habeas beans"
and a "corpus delinquent."

What? Or vice versa.

Can we help you,
lady? May we see Jack?

Just for a few minutes.
He's down there.

I'll go, Terri. This may
not be a pretty sight.

You're not gonna keep him
locked up, are you? Talk to him.

You're not gonna keep
him locked... up, are you?

Sit down and shut up.

Is that as fast as it can be?

[Furley whispers] Jack.
What do you want?

Jack, prison has changed you.

You've become so mean and hard.

Mr. Furley, what are you
doing here? I came to help.

That's wonderful!
How'd you... Shh.

[Mr. Furley mumbling] We
don't want the bulls to hear.

So talk without
moving your lips.

The way I am.

What's up?

What?

What's up?

Oh, we're trying to
get you out of here.

What? [Mr. Furley mumbling]

What?

[Mr. Furley mumbling]

Oh for heaven's sake, we're
trying to get you out of here.

It doesn't look very good.
Say, is he your lawyer?

No, he's my landlord. Oh.

You know, either way you're
in trouble. Hey, you mind?

This is confidential. So
why don't you just buzz off?

Buzz off? Is he talking to me?

You're just lucky you're behind those
bars, fella. Take it easy, Big Eddie.

What are you in for anyway?
Oh. Oh, nothing much.

I threw my landlord
out the window.

I'll visit you every
week, Jack. Mr. Furley!

Officer, Jack didn't
mean to hurt you.

No? No.

He just thought he
was doing a good deed.

Regular boy scout, huh?

Oh come on, Bellows. It
sounds like the truth to me.

It is. And it's so hard
to tell the difference

between cops and
crooks these days.

I mean, the uniforms.

She's got a point, Bellows.

Well, it's very hard to say no

to a pretty lady like you. Oh.

Let me think about it. Oh.

Jack? Jack.

[wolf whistles]

Hold it! Thank you.

Well, gosh. Aren't
you all sweet.

Janet? Huh?

Oh, yeah, right. Hmm, look
Jack. I heard what happened.

And don't worry. We can get
you out of here right away. How?

The law says they have either
got to book you or release you.

I didn't know that. Oh, yeah.

So you have to stand up
for your rights now, Jack.

If they haven't booked you by now, that
means they don't have a case against you.

So if you make enough noise
they're going to have to let you go.

You're right. And then, I'll
sue them for false arrest,

wrongful imprisonment
and unreasonable cruelty.

I could make a million.
Oh, Jack. Now you're talking.

You bet, I am. I'm tired
of being pushed around.

[Terri] Officer Bellows...
Terri, you stay out of it.

I can handle this.

Bellows! This is a phony
rap and you know it.

Take it easy, Tripper.
Don't tell me what to do!

I know my rights.
Now, son. Just cool it.

You cool it, flatfoot.

Flatfoot?

Look, book me or release
me. You hear me, goons?

I hear you. Book him.

Bo-Bo-Book him?

You heard him.
Come on, big mouth.

But you promised to let
him go. He-he-he what?

That's what I've been trying to tell
you. He was going to release you.

He was going to release...
Thanks a lot, Janet.

Um, I'm so sorry, Jack.

Officer, please, this isn't his
fault. This is entirely my fault.

You see, sometimes I
have a very big mouth.

She's right. She
has a very big mouth.

Book him.

[simultaneous chatter]

That's it. That's it. I'll
have a record. I'm finished.

No one will hire me. My
career is down the drain.

I know. [Sgt. O'Grady laughing]

What's so funny?

I just thought of
something. What?

They're gonna give a big kick
out of this downtown. Why?

Well, when they find out that a
little pip-squeak like that beat you up.

Wait a minute. I'm
not a little pip-squeak.

I admit that my voice rises
when I get excited. That's right.

This little pip-squeak beat up that
big gorilla. I saw the whole thing, pal.

Terri! She loves to exaggerate.

Don't be so modest, Jack. You
laid him out like an old blanket.

Terri. Shh.

When the other
cops hear about this,

they are going to
razz him like crazy.

But you'll get used to it
after a while. She's right.

I'm guilty. I confess. I did it.

A little pip-squeak like me destroyed
an incredible hulk like yourself.

I wouldn't say
destroyed. Oh, I would.

I laid you out like
an old blanket.

This ain't gonna look too good for you,
Bellows. The kid came at me from behind.

No, actually, I was facing
you. Little me against big you.

You know, like
David and Goliath.

Or Jack and the beanstalk.

Yeah. Jack and the...

[O'Grady] Sure you
wanna do this, Bellows?

Well... I deserve no mercy.

Look, Tripper... I'll
make it up to you.

I'll tell everyone
what I did. Everyone?

I'll give a statement to the press
apologizing for creaming you.

That won't be necessary.

Since this is your first offense,
I'm willing to let you go this time.

Thank you, officer.
Oh, that's wonderful.

You don't know how
much I appreciate this.

Just go before I change my
mind. Come on, girls. Let's go.

All right, we're leaving.
[simultaneous chatter]

Officer Bellows.

I just want you to know that I
will never ever trouble you again.

I...

Go easy on her, officer.
It's her first offense.

No, no, look. I don't
care what you say.

I learned one thing today
and that is never get involved.

But, Jack... No.

From now on, I won't get
burned if I mind my own business.

Well, I fixed the sink. All it
needed was a couple of new pipes.

Thanks, Mr. Furley. Who are you?

Oh, it's Jack.

I didn't recognize
you without your bars.

That's not funny, Mr. Furley.

How's everything
going, Mr. Ex-con?

Mr. Furley, he's
not an ex-con okay.

Oh, that's all right. I don't
mind renting to an ex-con.

Well, that's what
I told Big Eddie.

In fact, he's coming over here
to see you any minute now.

Big Eddie? You didn't?

You did!

[both scream]

[both] Get out of my way!

Jack, it's an emergency.
You gotta help me.

Forget it. I'm sorry. Jack!

I'm not getting
involved and that's that.

All right, thanks a lot, pal. I guess
I'll just have to handle it myself.

Wait, Larry. Hang
on a sec. Larry, wait.

Gosh, are you really
in trouble? Trouble?

Uh-huh. The worst.

Jack, he is your friend. Forget
it. I'm not getting involved

with other people's
problems and that's it.

But, Jack, this is Lar...

Okay, Larry. If he
won't help you, I will.

Nah! It will only
make things worse.

Why? 'Cause I'm a woman?

Of course. Then I'd
be stuck with three girls.

You and the O'Donnell twins.

My friend needs me. Larry!

Three's Company was videotaped
in front of a studio audience.