Three's Company (1976–1984): Season 5, Episode 22 - Honest Jack Tripper - full transcript

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♪ WE'VE A LOVEABLE SPACE
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♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪

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HI, GIRLS.

- HI, JACK.
- HI.

HEY, WHAT'S WITH YOU TWO?
YOU HAVE A ROUGH DAY TODAY?

NOPE, JANET AND I HAD
A DOUBLE BLIND DATE

LAST NIGHT WITH TWO BROTHERS.

BROTHERS, HUH? DID YOU LIKE 'EM?



WELL, I'D SAY THEY RATED A 10.

THE OLDEST WAS A 1, AND
THE OTHER GUY WAS A 0.

MY GIRLFRIEND SUE TOLD US THEY
WERE REAL GENTLEMEN. ( whistles )

SOME GENTLEMEN.

FIRST THEY SHOOK
OUR HANDS, JACK,

THEN THEY SPENT THE WHOLE NIGHT
TRYING TO SHAKE THE REST OF US.

WELL, WE ALL CAN'T BE
LUCKY, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

NOW, I, ON THE OTHER
HAND, HAVE INVITED

SOMEBODY VERY SPECIAL OVER
TO THE APARTMENT TONIGHT.

NOT ANOTHER GIRL!

NO, NOT A GIRL, CINDY,
A WOMAN WITH CLASS.

SHE'S AN INTERIOR DECORATOR, AND I
TOLD HER I NEEDED SOME DECORATING ADVICE.

BUT JACK, WHAT'S
SHE GONNA DECORATE?

I DON'T KNOW, I'D LIKE TO SEE HOW SHE
LOOKS ON THE SOFA FIRST, YOU KNOW?

I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF
THIS. I'M HEADED FOR BED.

OH, ME, TOO.

I TELL YOU, I AM GOING
TO SLEEP SO LONG,

WHEN I WAKE UP, THEY'RE
GONNA HAVE TO DUST ME.

WAIT, WAIT, GIRLS, WAIT.
WHAT ABOUT MY DATE?

JACK, WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES
IT MAKE IF WE'RE HERE OR NOT?

OH, WELL, YOU SEE, I...

I SORTA TOLD LISA
THAT I LIVED ALONE.

THAT, DEAR BOY, IS YOUR PROBLEM.

CINDY AND I WILL BE IN THERE,

DEAD TO THE WORLD, AND THAT'S
THE BEST YOU'RE GONNA GET.

- ( doorbell rings )
- HELP ME OUT, JANET...

NO, NO, NO, NO.

OH, HI, MR. FURLEY. COME ON IN.

- HI, KIDS.
- Cindy: HI, MR. FURLEY.

LISTEN, I NEED ONE OF YOU TO
FEED MY TURTLE WHILE I'M GONE.

OH, JANET'LL LOVE TO DO IT.

THANKS, JACK. WHERE'RE
YOU GOING, MR. FURLEY?

OH, ON A WONDERFUL, ROMANTIC
WEEKEND MADE JUST FOR TWO.

HEY, CONGRATULATIONS.
( giggles )

YEAH, A LEISURELY, LITTLE
DRIVE DOWN TO LA JOLLA,

THEN DINNER BY CANDLELIGHT,

THEN SOME INTIMATE DANCING.

WOW, THAT REALLY SOUNDS
NICE. ANY WOMAN'D LOVE THAT,

YEAH. DO YOU KNOW ONE
WHO'D LIKE TO GO WITH ME?

I HOPE YOU HAVE A VERY
GOOD TIME, MR. FURLEY.

COME ON, CINDY, I'LL HELP
YOU CLEAN UP THE KITCHEN.

IF I THINK OF ANYBODY,
MR. FURLEY, I'LL SURE LET YOU KNOW.

WELL, MAKE IT FAST. I'M
LEAVING IN HALF AN HOUR.

JACK!

YES, SIR?

NOW, JACK, I KNOW YOU LOOK
AT ME, AND YOU SAY TO YOURSELF,

"THAT FURLEY NEVER HAS
ANY TROUBLE GETTING WOMEN.

I MEAN, HE'S GOT ALL
THE MOVES, THE THREADS,

THE SAVOIR FAIRE... (
mispronounces French )

DRIVES GIRLS CRAZY."

RIGHT, CRAZY.

JACK, JACK, BELIEVE IT OR NOT,

EVEN I CAN HAVE A
BRIEF, LITTLE DRY SPELL

NOW AND THEN WHEN I DON'T SCORE.

NO!

I'M IN ONE NOW.

HAS IT BEEN GOING ON LONG?

MY LAST DATE WAS IN FEBRUARY.

FEBRUARY? THAT'S NOT SO LONG...

TWO YEARS AGO.

YOU MEAN, THE
FEBRUARY BEFORE THE...

SO, TO TIDE ME OVER,
JACK, I WAS WONDERING

IF MAYBE YOU COULD,
WELL, FIX ME UP.

ME, FIX YOU UP WITH A GIRL?

I KNOW IT SOUNDS CRAZY,
BUT YOU MUST RUN INTO A FEW...

I MEAN, AT THE
HAIRDRESSERS, OR WHEREVER.

YOU KNOW, SOME BEAUTIFUL,
INTELLIGENT WOMAN

WHO CAN APPRECIATE A REAL MACHO?

I-I DON'T KNOW, MR. FURLEY.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, SHE
DOESN'T HAVE TO BE INTELLIGENT,

AS LONG AS SHE
CAN DRESS HERSELF.

I'M SORRY.

SO, FORGET BEAUTIFUL... THEY'RE
ALWAYS SO SHALLOW, ANYWAY.

- GEE, I'M AFRAID...
- LET ME PUT IT THIS WAY.

IF SHE'S GOT BODY HEAT...

AND SPEAKS A FEW WORDS
OF ENGLISH, I WANNA MEET HER.

NOW, HERE'S A KEY
TO MY APARTMENT.

KEY TO YOUR APARTMENT?

YEAH, SO JANET
CAN FEED MY TURTLE.

WEREN'T YOU LISTENING? I'M
GONNA BE GONE ALL WEEKEND.

ALL WEEKEND, AND YOU WANT
ME TO GIVE THIS KEY TO JANET?

SCATTERBRAINED LITTLE JANET?
NOT ON YOUR LIFE, MR. FURLEY.

I'LL TAKE CARE OF YOUR
LITTLE TURTLE MYSELF.

- THANK YOU, JACK. I'LL SEE YOU LATER.
- NO PROBLEM.

MAYBE I CAN FIND A MATE FOR HIM.

LORD KNOWS, ONE OF US SHOULD
GET LUCKY IN THAT APARTMENT.

ONE OF US WILL.

HERE WE ARE.

JACK, DIDN'T YOU SAY YOU
LIVED ON THE SECOND FLOOR?

I DO, IT'S JUST THAT THE
BUILDING IS SINKING, YOU SEE.

( laughs ) OH, JACK,
YOU ARE SO FUNNY.

ACTUALLY, I MOVED. I WANTED
A LITTLE NICER APARTMENT.

YOU CALL THIS NICER?

YES, WELL, YOU SEE, IT'S A...

IT'S A DECORATOR'S NIGHTMARE.

ALL THIS JUNK, I KNOW.

SEE, I RENTED A
FURNISHED APARTMENT.

I'M STILL TRYING TO TALK THE
LANDLORD, MR. FURLEY, INTO CHANGING IT.

YOU SHOULD TALK
HIM INTO BURNING IT.

WHERE'S THE BATHROOM?

OR, ARE WE IN IT?

( laughs )

NO, YOU JUST GO RIGHT DOWN
THE HALL, LISA, AND TURN LEFT...

YOU'LL SEE THE LITTLE TINKLETORIUM
RIGHT OVER THERE, OKAY?

( shouting )

JACK, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

UH, I THOUGHT THE
TURTLE MIGHT BE THIRSTY.

MR. FURLEY, WHAT
ARE YOU DOING HOME?

I WAS CRUISING ALONG, THINKING
ABOUT HOW LUCKY I WAS GONNA GET,

WHEN I RAN INTO A TOW TRUCK.

NO!

IT WASN'T ALL BAD.
HE TOWED ME HOME.

I GOT TO TALK ON
THE LITTLE RADIO:

"CHARLIE, BAKER, 10-4, OUT."

MR. FURLEY, IT'S STILL EARLY.
WHY DON'T YOU HITCHHIKE?

DID I LEAVE MY
BATHROOM LIGHT ON?

Lisa: JACK, IS SOMEONE THERE?

HAVE YOU GOT A GIRL HERE?

NO, OF COURSE... ARE
YOU KIDDING ME? NO.

WELL, THAT'S NOT A MAN'S VOICE.

OR IS IT?

OH, DARN, MR. FURLEY, YOU
RUINED THE WHOLE SURPRISE.

WHAT SURPRISE?

LOOK, YOU ASKED ME TO FIND A
GIRL FOR YA, AND I FOUND ONE.

A GIRL FOR ME?

BUT I WASN'T GONNA
BE HERE. THAT'S NO FUN.

WELL, NO, NO,
YOU SEE, SHE'S A...

MR. FURLEY, SHE'S AN
INTERIOR DECORATOR,

AND WHEN I TOLD
HER ALL ABOUT YOU,

SHE JUST COULDN'T WAIT
TO SEE YOUR APARTMENT.

OH, I BET THIS PAD
REALLY KNOCKED HER OUT.

RIGHT, SHE SAID SHE'S
NEVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE IT.

OH!

( stammers ) UH, THIS IS MY
LANDLORD, MR. R. FURLEY.

THIS IS LISA PAGE.

OH, SO THIS IS MR. FURLEY.

THE ONE AND ONLY.

WE WERE JUST DISCUSSING
THE INCREDIBLE DECOR IN HERE.

I DECORATED IT MYSELF.

I'M NOT SURPRISED.

THANK YOU.

( laughs ) YOU KNOW, THE WHOLE ROOM
SHOULD BE ON EXHIBIT SOMEWHERE.

YOU COULD CHARGE ADMISSION.

YOU REALLY THINK SO?

YOU KNOW, WE COULD DO SOME
EXCITING THINGS IN THIS ROOM.

WE COULD?

YES, AND, UH, THE
SOONER THE BETTER.

IT CAN'T BE TOO SOON FOR ME.

( shouts )

I'VE GOT TO BE GETTING LISA
BACK. SORRY TO RUSH OFF LIKE THIS.

- I WAS JUST GETTIN' STARTED.
- I'LL CALL YOU TOMORROW.

WE WILL DO SOME
FANTASTIC THINGS TOGETHER.

EXCUSE ME, I HATE TO RUSH
OFF. MAKE YOURSELF AT HOME.

- SHE REALLY LIKES ME!
- I KNOW, SHE REALLY DOES,
SHE LIKES YOU.

- LET'S GET OUTTA HERE.
- BUT JACK...

NO, NO, NO. THIS
GUY, I KNOW HIM.

HE'D JUST HANG AROUND
ALL NIGHT AND BOTHER US.

LET'S GO UPSTAIRS
TO MY OLD APARTMENT.

BUT DOESN'T SOMEBODY LIVE THERE?

NOT IN THE LIVING ROOM...
I MEAN, LIVING-WISE?

NO, LOOK-IT, I STILL
HAVE MY OLD KEY

TO MY OLD APARTMENT,
WHICH IS UPSTAIRS.

LET'S GO, OKAY?
THATTAGIRL. MERCY!

WELL, HERE WE ARE.

YOU KNOW, FOR A VACANT
APARTMENT, IT CERTAINLY LOOKS LIVED IN.

IT SURE DOES. ( laughs )

WELL, NOW WE'VE SEEN MY
NEW PLACE AND MY OLD PLACE.

LET'S SAY WE GO SEE YOUR PLACE?

OH, JACK, I'M TIRED.
COULD WE JUST SIT DOWN?

OH, SURE, NO
PROBLEM. RIGHT HERE.

JACK, WHY ARE WE SITTING HERE?

I MEAN, IS THERE SOMETHING
WRONG WITH THE COUCH?

OH, WELL, NO, IT'S JUST THAT,
THAT FLOOR OVER THERE IS WEAK.

IT'S DECAYING. THAT'S
WHY I MOVED DOWNSTAIRS.

- OH.
- THIS IS FINE.

( yawns )

WHAT WAS THAT?

( imitates Cindy yawning )

I ALWAYS YAWN
WHEN I'M HAVING FUN.

UH, JACK, UM, ISN'T
THERE SOMETHING

YOU'D RATHER DO
THAN JUST SIT HERE?

WELL, I CAN'T THINK OF ANYTHING.

EXCEPT THIS. OH, LISA! OHH!

WHAT'S COME OVER YOU?

I COULDN'T HELP MYSELF, SEEING YOU
CRAWLING THERE... I MEAN, SITTING THERE.

OW!

I MEAN, OOPS.

WHO ARE YOU?

WHO? WHO? AAH! GET IN HERE.

AAH! EXCUSE ME.

AND WHO ARE YOU?

YES, WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?

JACK, WE TRIED. WE
WERE GONNA CRAWL INTO...

- WE'RE HIS ROOMMATES.
- ROOMMATES?

WELL, NO, NOT EXACTLY.

SEE, THE TRUTH IS, THEY'RE
MY PEN PALS FROM UP NORTH.

- THEY HAD NO PLACE TO STAY.
- JACK.

WELL, I CAN'T KICK THEM OUT... THEY'LL
NEVER WRITE ME ANOTHER LETTER.

- DON'T BOTHER, JACK.
- LISA, WAIT, PLEASE...

I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
YOU... YOU ARE AN AWFUL LIAR!

DID YOU HEAR WHAT SHE CALLED ME?

- YOU'RE NOT
AN AWFUL LIAR, JACK.
- THANK YOU, CINDY.

YOU'RE JUST ABOUT THE
BEST DARN LIAR I'VE EVER MET.

- GOOD MORNING, CINDY.
- MORNING.

- HAVE YOU SEEN JACK?
- NO, HE HASN'T COME
OUT OF HIS ROOM YET.

AFTER LAST NIGHT, I BET
HE'S FEELING MISERABLE.

YEAH, ME, TOO.

SO, LOOK, WHY DON'T WE DO
EVERYTHING WE CAN TO CHEER HIM UP?

- OKAY. HERE HE COMES.
- ( door slams )

SMILE.

GOOD MORNING, LADIES.
I FEEL WONDERFUL.

YOU DO?

YES, AND YOU KNOW WHY?

BECAUSE LAST
NIGHT I FOUND TRUTH.

WELL, JACK, IT WAS ALWAYS THERE. YOU
JUST NEVER BOTHERED TO LOOK BEFORE.

JANET, I'M SERIOUS.
I TOOK A VOW.

FROM NOW ON, I'M
NEVER GONNA LIE AGAIN.

WELL, GOOD FOR YOU,
JACK. GOOD FOR YOU.

AND, AT LEAST, YOU
HAVE NEVER LIED TO US.

- Cindy: YEAH.
- WELL... HAVE YOU?

- WELL, JANET...
- WHAT?

DO YOU REMEMBER THAT
AFTERNOON YOU ASKED ME TO CLOSE

THE FLOWER SHOP FOR YOU, AND I
TOLD YOU I DIDN'T HAVE THE TIME?

OH, I SURE DO... I
MISSED MY ONE CHANCE

TO GO OUT WITH
GORGEOUS GREG DUNN.

I REALLY HAD THE TIME, I JUST
DIDN'T WANT TO BE BOTHERED. ( laughs )

OH!

OH, BOY, IT FEELS SO GOOD
TO GET THAT LIE OFF MY CHEST.

I'M THRILLED FOR YOU.

WELL, JANET, AT LEAST
HE'S BEING HONEST.

- I THINK IT'S WONDERFUL.
- THANK YOU, CINDY.

- AND IF THAT'S THE ONLY TIME...
- NO, NO, THERE'S MORE, CINDY.

REMEMBER WHEN I SENT YOU
TO EVERY DRUG STORE IN TOWN

TO GET THAT SPECIAL
COUGH MEDICINE FOR ME?

I SURE DO: IT WAS RAINING,

AND I GOT SPLASHED WITH MUD,
SO I RUINED A NEW PAIR OF SHOES.

THERE WAS NO SUCH
COUGH MEDICINE.

I HATE TO TELL YOU WHY I WANTED
YOU GET OUT OF THE APARTMENT.

OH, MONIQUE! ( kisses )

OH, BEING HONEST GIVES
ME SUCH A WARM FEELING.

YEAH, IT'S MAKING
ME A LITTLE FLUSHED.

I'M GETTING A LITTLE HOT
UNDER THE COLLAR, MYSELF.

LISTEN, I GOTTA GO MEET
LARRY AT THE REGAL BEAGLE,

OR ELSE I'D TELL YOU ABOUT
A LOT OF OTHER THINGS.

WE CAN HARDLY WAIT!

GIRLS, I TELL YOU,
YOU DO NOT KNOW

HOW MUCH I HATED
MYSELF LAST NIGHT.

BUT THIS MORNING,
IT'S A LOVE AFFAIR.

I LOVE MYSELF, AND YOU KNOW WHY?

BECAUSE I'M FINALLY GETTING
THESE LIES OFF MY CONSCIENCE.

I'LL TELL YOU, I AM REALLY
FIRED UP ABOUT BEING HONEST.

JACK, I'M HAPPY FOR YOU.

AND HERE, HERE'S A LITTLE
SOMETHING FOR YOUR HONESTY.

WELL, MERCI BOUQUET. ( laughs )

AND HERE'S A LITTLE
SOMETHING FOR YOUR FIRE.

( screaming )

( screaming continues )

HEY, LARRY.

HEY, JACK, WHAT A
SURPRISE TO SEE YOU.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING
ABOUT? WE WERE SUPPOSED TO...

I WAS JUST TALKIN'
ABOUT US TO LUANNE HERE.

HOW DO YOU DO? I'VE
BEEN WAITING TO MEET YOU.

OH, LARRY, WHAT...

LUANNE IS JUST WAITRESSING
NOW, BUT SHE WANTS TO BE A MODEL.

AND SHE'LL DO ANYTHING...
ANYTHING, JACK...

TO BREAK INTO THE BUSINESS.

IT MUST BE VERY EXCITING,
WORKING AT "PLAYBOY."

"PLAYBOY"?

YEAH, I WAS JUST TELLING LUANNE
HOW WE WORK THERE TOGETHER.

YOU, THE ART DIRECTOR, AND ME...

WELL, ALL MODESTY ASIDE,
YOU DID SAY, THE OTHER DAY,

I WAS THEIR TOP PHOTOGRAPHER.

( laughs ) RIGHT?

PHOTOGRAPHER?
LARRY, LARRY, LARRY.

WHAT?

JACK, COME ON.

OKAY, OKAY, MAYBE I'M NOT
THEIR TOP PHOTOGRAPHER.

LARRY, YOU DON'T KNOW ONE
END OF A CAMERA FROM ANOTHER.

OH, GREAT, ANOTHER
PHONY. GOOD BYE, LARRY.

NO, WAIT, WAIT,
LUANNE, I CAN EXPLAIN...

YOU WANT SEXY PICTURES?
YOU WEAR THE BIKINI YOU BOUGHT.

THIS IS NOT EVEN MY SIZE.

JACK, YOU KNOW
WHAT YOU JUST DID?

YEAH, I TOLD THE TRUTH.

WHY WOULD YOU DO
A THING LIKE THAT?

LARRY, I COULDN'T LET YOU
STRING THAT POOR KID ALONG.

OF COURSE YOU COULD, JACK.
YOU ARE JACK, AREN'T YOU?

LARRY, HEAR ME OUT.

I MADE A VOW THAT FROM
NOW ON I'M GOING TO BE

COMPLETELY HONEST IN EVERY WAY.

- LIE DOWN. IT'LL PASS.
- NO, LARRY...

LARRY, WAIT A MINUTE. LARRY, I WANT
YOU TO TAKE THE PLEDGE WITH ME.

THERE'S NO REASON WHY
YOU CAN'T BE AS HONEST AS I.

WHAT ARE YOU, CRAZY?
I'M A USED-CAR SALESMAN.

EXCUSE ME, COULD YOU TELL
ME WHERE THE PAY PHONE IS?

LISA, LISA, LISTEN. LISTEN, NOW.

I MADE A TERRIBLE MISTAKE, BEING
DISHONEST WITH YOU LAST NIGHT.

- YOU SURE DID.
- BUT I WAN...

I WANT YOU TO KNOW
THAT, BECAUSE OF YOU,

I CHANGED MY WHOLE LIFESTYLE.

FROM NOW ON, I'M GOING TO
BE 100% COMPLETELY HONEST.

- REALLY?
- SCOUT'S HONOR.

- THEN I'M SO GLAD
I RAN INTO YOU.
- OH?

I'M JUST ON MY
WAY TO A CLIENT'S.

I'VE REDESIGNED HIS ENTIRE
PENTHOUSE APARTMENT,

AND WHAT I NEED, MORE THAN ANYTHING
ELSE, IS A REALLY HONEST OPINION.

WELL, YOU'VE COME
TO THE RIGHT PERSON.

LET'S TAKE A LOOK HERE. OH.

WELL, FRANKLY, IT LOOKS

LIKE THE WAITING
ROOM IN A PENITENTIARY.

- OH.
- NOT THAT I'M KNOCKING
PENITENTIARIES.

WELL, I CERTAINLY
APPRECIATE YOUR HONESTY.

I THOUGHT YOU
WOULD. LISTEN, LISA.

WHAT DO YOU SAY ABOUT YOU AND
ME GETTING TOGETHER TONIGHT?

TONIGHT? WELL, LET'S SAY
WE GET TOGETHER NOW!

WHAT WAS THAT FOR?

FOR YOUR DUMB OPINION, JERK.

THAT'S "JACK."

AND THE NEXT TIME I RUN
INTO YOU, I HOPE I'M DRIVING!

HI. ANYBODY HOME?

WELL, WELL, LOOK WHO'S BACK:

THE POOR MAN'S
GEORGE WASHINGTON.

JANET, THE TRUTH
SHALL SET YOU FREE.

ONE MORE WORD, JACK, AND I'M
GONNA CHOP DOWN YOUR CHERRY TREE.

JANET, HOW DO YOU
LIKE MY NEW DRESS?

WELL...

I PICKED IT UP AT A
SALE. I'M CRAZY ABOUT IT.

- YOU ARE?
- YEAH.

IT'S LOVELY ON YOU, CINDY.

- THANKS, JANET.
- SURE.

- WHY DON'T YOU TELL HER
THE TRUTH, JANET?
- JACK.

JANET, IF YOU DON'T LIKE
IT, I WISH YOU'D TELL ME,

'CAUSE I THINK YOU
HAVE REAL GOOD TASTE.

WAIT, WAIT...

OH, CINDY, THAT'S NOT WHAT
YOU TOLD ME LAST WEEK.

- WHAT DID YOU TELL HIM
LAST WEEK, CINDY?
- NOTHING.

COME ON, CINDY, YOU
TOLD ME YOU HATED

THAT PLAID DRESS
JANET WAS WEARING.

I DID NOT.

THEN WHAT DID YOU SAY, CINDY?

UH, I SAID I DIDN'T
LIKE IT FOR ME.

BUT IT'S ALL RIGHT
FOR SOMEONE WITH...

WITH...WITH SHORT
LEGS. GO AHEAD.

SHORT LEGS?!

- JANET, I DIDN'T MEAN...
- SHORT LEGS?!

WELL, LET ME TELL YOU
SOMETHING ABOUT MY LEGS.

THEY ARE NOT SHORT.
THEY ARE NOT LONG.

THEY ARE JUST RIGHT.

BUT PERHAPS SOMEBODY WITH LEGS

LIKE A GIRAFFE MIGHT
NOT NOTICE THAT.

WHO'RE YOU CALLIN' A GIRAFFE?

IF THE LEGS FIT, WEAR 'EM.

YOU SEE, THIS IS GREAT.
THIS IS WONDERFUL.

Both: WHAT?!

IT'S WONDERFUL THAT
YOU TWO ARE FINALLY BEING

COMPLETELY HONEST
WITH EACH OTHER.

OH, SHUT UP!

HEY, YOU HAVE NOT LIVED HERE
LONG ENOUGH TO TALK TO HIM LIKE THAT.

SHUT UP!

GIRLS, YOU'RE
ACTING LIKE CHILDREN.

- I AM NOT.
- YOU ARE, TOO.

WELL, IF THAT'S
HOW YOU FEEL, CINDY,

PERHAPS YOU'D LIKE TO SHOP AROUND
FOR A MORE MATURE ROOMMATE.

YEAH, ONE THAT'S FULL GROWN!

GIRLS, GIRLS... Both: SHUT UP!

JANET, CINDY, I CAN
SEE YOU'RE UPSET,

- BUT I STILL SAY HONESTY IS
THE BEST POLICY, - ( doorbell rings )

AND I WILL STAY THAT
TILL MY DYING DAY.

THE WAY YOU'RE GOING,
THAT'S BOUND TO BE TOMORROW!

JACK, WHAT HAPPENED?

WELL, NO, CINDY ASKED JANET
HOW SHE LIKED HER DRESS, AND...

NO, I MEAN WITH MY
DREAM GIRL, LISA PAGE.

SHE SAID SHE WAS GONNA PHONE
ME ABOUT GETTING TOGETHER.

I'VE BEEN WAITING ALL DAY.

MR. FURLEY, YOU MEAN YOU MADE
A DATE WITH THAT GIRL THAT JACK...

YEAH, YEAH, I CAME HOME LAST
NIGHT FEELING SO MISERABLE,

LIKE NO ONE LOVED ME,
LIKE MY LIFE WAS EMPTY,

AND THEN I MET LISA,
AND SHE MADE ME REALIZE

HOW DESIRABLE I REALLY AM.

LOOK, MR. FURLEY,
I'VE GOT TO BE HONEST

AND TELL YOU WHAT LISA
REALLY FELT ABOUT YOU.

LAY IT ON ME. I'LL TRY NOT
TO GET A SWELLED HEAD.

LISA DIDN'T REALLY LIKE YOU.

SHE DIDN'T?

NO, SHE... OH, NO.

UH, SHE... SHE LOVED YOU.

REALLY? SHE LOVED ME?

YES, BUT SHE VOWED NEVER
TO LAY EYES ON YOU AGAIN,

NEVER TO SPEAK TO YOU AGAIN.

- WHY?
- UH, HER HUSBAND.

DARN!

SHE'S GOT ONE OF THOSE, HUH?

MR. FURLEY, IT WAS THROUGH TEARS

THAT SHE TOLD ME ABOUT
HIM... HIS TRAGIC ILLNESS,

HIS TOTAL DEPENDENCE ON HER.

OH... THROUGH TEARS, HUH?

YES, SIR, I MEAN, SHE'D LEAVE
HIM IN A MINUTE FOR YOU,

BUT SHE KNOWS THAT THAT
WOULD BE THE END OF HIM.

I MEAN, LISA IS MISERABLE.

MISERABLE, HUH?

THAT'S SO SAD.

ALL SHE HAS TO LEAVE
YOU WITH IS A MEMORY.

LISTEN, BUSTER, THAT'S
NOT EXACTLY DAY-OLD BREAD.

THAT POOR KID, IF I'D
KNOWN THE WHOLE STORY,

I WOULDN'T HAVE TURNED
ON THE OLD PIZZAZZ.

THAT IS THE WORST
LIE I HAVE EVER TOLD,

AND AFTER ALL MY
PREACHING, I'M...

OKAY, GIRLS, LEMME HAVE IT.

OKAY, JACK.

WE WILL.

YEAH.

- JACK.
- YEAH?

YOU WERE JUST SUPER.

YEAH, JACK, YOU'RE WONDERFUL.

WHOA!

OH, JACK, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

FINE, I'M FINE. IT DIDN'T
HURT A BIT... I'M SUCH A LIAR!

AAH!

AHH!

HEY, LARRY, THERE YOU
ARE. GOOD TO SEE YOU, PAL.

I'M BUSY.

WELL, AREN'T YOU GONNA
INTRODUCE ME TO THIS LOVELY LADY?

NO, WE WANNA BE ALONE.

- OKAY, I'LL GO.
- GOOD.

BUT NOT BEFORE I TELL YOU
WHAT A LUCKY GIRL YOU ARE.

- JACK, WHY DON'T YOU JUST...
- NO, NO.

NO, HE MAY NOT SHOW
IT, BUT THIS GUY IS

PLAYBOY'S NUMBER-ONE MAN.

- NO, JACK...
- LOOK AT HOW MODEST HE IS.

I'LL TELL YA, HE IS A
MAGICIAN WITH A CAMERA.

HE DOES ALL THEIR
MAJOR CENTERFOLDS.

LISTEN, UH, MELISSA...
JACK, I APPRECIATE IT...

LARRY, WHAT HAPPENED?

YOU IDIOT!

I TOLD HER I WAS A DOCTOR.

A DOCTOR?

LARRY, YOU DON'T EVEN
HAVE A STETHOSCOPE.

( theme music playing )

John Ritter: THREE'S COMPANY WAS
VIDEOTAPED IN FRONT OF A STUDIO AUDIENCE.

( theme music playing )