Three's Company (1976–1984): Season 3, Episode 8 - Larry's Bride - full transcript

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♪ WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU ♪

♪ WHERE THE KISSES ARE
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♪ WE'VE A LOVABLE SPACE
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♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪

♪ YOU'LL SEE THAT
LIFE IS A BALL AGAIN ♪

♪ LAUGHTER IS CALLING FOR YOU ♪

- ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪
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♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪

♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪

♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO. ♪

(all laughing)

- YOU REMEMBER THAT?
- AND THEN... THEN,

THERE WAS THIS WOMAN WHO
WAS ALWAYS BEHIND IN HER RENT.

AND ONE DAY SHE CAME
DOWN TO OUR APARTMENT

WITH DOLLAR BILLS STUCK
ALL OVER HER NUDE BODY

AND SHE SAID TO
STANLEY... SHE SAID,

"WELL, IF YOU WANT YOUR RENT, YOU'RE
JUST GONNA HAVE TO TAKE IT OFF ME."



(all laugh)

- OH, MR. ROPER, DID HE?
- YEAH, HE DID.

BUT I MADE HIM LEAVE THE ROOM

WHILE I TOOK THE LAST $3.

BOY, NOTHING LIKE THAT
HAPPENS AROUND HERE ANYMORE.

OH, NO? OH, I CAN
TELL YOU STORIES

ABOUT THE PEOPLE
WHO LIVE HERE NOW...

OH, NO. MRS. ROPER, I DON'T
THINK THAT WOULD BE RIGHT.

OH, JANET, I RESPECT
MY TENANTS' PRIVACY.

I WOULD NEVER USE ANY NAMES.

- OH, GOOD.
- DID YOU YOU KNOW

THAT 301 AND 204
ARE HAVING AN AFFAIR?

HI, GIRLS. HI, MRS. ROPER.
WHAT ARE YOU LADIES UP TO?

OH, NOTHING, NOTHING,
JUST A LITTLE GOSSIP. (chuckles)

YOU KNOW THERE'S NO SUCH
A THING AS A LITTLE GOSSIP.

BUT THAT'S NOT FOR ME. I'VE GOT
MORE IMPORTANT THINGS TO DO.

OKAY. ANYWAY, 301 IS MESSING
AROUND WITH 204, SEE? AND...

WAIT A SECOND, THAT'S
NOT WHAT I HEARD.

I HEARD IT WAS 301 AND 106?

I THOUGHT YOU DIDN'T
LIKE GOSSIP, JACK.

THAT'S NOT GOSSIP,
CHRISSY. THAT'S A TRUTH.

I GOT IT RIGHT FROM
THE HORSE'S MOUTH, 207.

YOU'D BELIEVE 207

AFTER WHAT HE DID WITH 306?

207 HAD A THING WITH 306?!

AND 105.

- Janet: I DIDN'T KNOW THAT.
- NEITHER DID 306.

I'M GONNA GO HEAT
UP SOME MORE COFFEE,

- BUT IF MY NUMBER
COMES UP, CALL ME, OKAY?
- (Jack laughs)

- (doorbell rings)
- I'LL GET IT.

- HI, JACK.
- HEY, LARRY.

- Janet and Mrs. Roper:
HEY, LARRY.
- HI, LADIES.

JACK, BABY, HAVE I GOT SOME
SHOCKING NEWS FOR YOU!

- WE ALREADY
KNOW ABOUT 306.
- (women laugh)

- NO, NO, THIS NEWS
IS ABOUT ME.
- WHAT IS IT?

OKAY... BRACE YOURSELF.

GO AHEAD.

I AM TAKING A BRIDE.

- WHERE?
- (chuckles)

TO THE ALTAR. I'M
GETTING MARRIED!

- YOU'RE GETTING WHAT?!
- THAT'S RIGHT... MARRIED.

THE FREE WORLD IS
LOSING ITS GREATEST LOVER.

- LARRY, CONGRATULATIONS.
- (Larry laughs)

LARRY, GOSH, THAT'S
OH... THAT'S FANTASTIC.

- CONGRATULATIONS, LARRY.
- THANK YOU, MRS. ROPER.

I WANNA HEAR THIS. NOW,
WHO IS THIS LUCKY GIRL?

HER NAME IS GLORIA. WE'RE GETTING
MARRIED AS SOON AS WE GET THE LICENSE.

WELL, THAT'S KIND
OF FAST, ISN'T, LARRY?

I MEAN, HOW LONG HAVE
YOU KNOWN THIS GIRL?

OFF AND ON? ABOUT A WEEK.

OH, I'M GLAD TO SEE YOU'RE
NOT RUSHING INTO ANYTHING.

NO, NO, NO. BELIEVE ME,
JACK, I KNOW IT'S RIGHT.

GLORIA IS SOMETHING
SPECIAL. SHE IS BEAUTIFUL,

- SHE'S INTELLIGENT...
- HI, LARRY.

(chuckles) HI, CHRISSY. BESIDES,

GLORIA IS THE FIRST GIRL
WHO EVER SAID "NO" TO ME.

HEY, CHRISSY, DID YOU
HEAR THE BIG NEWS?

- LARRY IS GETTING
MARRIED.
- UH-HUH.

- TO A GIRL WHO SAID "NO?"
- THAT'S RIGHT. IF SHE
HAD SAID "YES"

- I NEVER WOULD
HAVE ASKED HER.
- OH.

ISN'T IT EXCITING?
JUST IMAGINE...

OUR OWN LARRY GETTING MARRIED!

YEAH. HEY, JACK, YOU LUCKY DOG.

I WANT YOU TO BE MY BEST MAN.

OH, LARRY, I'M FLATTERED.

DOES THAT MEAN I CAN COME
ALONG ON THE HONEYMOON?

(chuckles) SURE, YOU
CAN WAIT IN THE CAR.

OKAY, LARRY, WHEN DO
WE GET TO MEET GLORIA?

- HOW ABOUT TONIGHT? SHE'S COMING OVER.
- OH, THAT'S GREAT!

- WHERE ARE YOU
GETTING MARRIED?
- AT CITY HALL.

- YEAH?
- CITY HALL?!

OH, NO, LARRY,

A WEDDING IS SOMETHING
YOU REMEMBER ALL YOUR LIFE.

YOU OUGHT TO... YOU OUGHT
TO HOLD IT SOMEPLACE SPECIAL.

HMM, LIKE WHERE?

WELL, LIKE... LIKE MY APARTMENT.

- WE COULD HAVE A TERRIFIC
WEDDING IN MY APARTMENT.
- Janet and Chrissy: OH.

- Jack: THAT'S PERFECT.
- Larry: WHOA, WAIT.

HOLD IT, HOLD IT. YOU SURE THAT
IT'LL BE ALL RIGHT WITH MR. ROPER?

ARE YOU KIDDING?

STANLEY LOVES WEDDINGS!

ARE YOU KIDDING?

I HATE WEDDINGS!

BUT STANLEY, THEY'RE
A YOUNG COUPLE.

I MEAN, A NICE WEDDING
WOULD GIVE THEM A GOOD START.

NOWADAYS, MOST YOUNG COUPLES
START LONG BEFORE THE WEDDING.

OH, STANLEY, BE A SPORT.

YOU KNOW HOW I LOVE WEDDINGS.

I ALWAYS HAVE SUCH A GOOD CRY.

YOU'RE NOT GONNA HAVE IT HERE. I
DON'T WANT PEOPLE TO SEE ME CRY.

YOU?! YOU DIDN'T
CRY AT OUR WEDDING.

I DIDN'T PAY FOR OUR WEDDING.

OH, SO THAT'S IT? THE MONEY.

- I MIGHT'VE GUESSED.
- HELEN, LOOK, WEDDINGS
ARE EXPENSIVE.

YOU KNOW, BY THE TIME YOU
GET THE FLOWERS AND THE FOOD

AND THE LIQUOR... I MEAN, YOU
WIND UP SPENDING $2, $3 A PERSON.

STANLEY, I GAVE MY WORD

AND WE ARE THROWING
THIS WEDDING.

IT'S ALL MY FAULT. I'VE BEEN
TOO GENEROUS WITH YOU.

- WHAT?!
- YOU'RE PAMPERED,

YOU'RE SPOILED ROTTEN. I GIVE
YOU EVERYTHING A WOMAN NEEDS.

- HOW ABOUT A NEW STOVE?
- YOU DON'T NEED IT.

WELL, I GUESS I SHOULDN'T
BREAK UP THE SET.

SET? WHAT SET?

AN OLD STOVE, AN OLD HUSBAND.

AND THEY BOTH TAKE
TOO LONG TO HEAT UP.

AND THERE WE WERE IN
THIS LITTLE RESTAURANT...

YOU KNOW, JUST KIND OF
GAZING OUT AT THE MOON

AND ALL OF A SUDDEN

POOPSY WHOOPSY
POPS THE QUESTION.

- POOPSY WHOOPSY?
- (Larry chuckles)

- JUST A LITTLE SILLY
NAME SHE CALLS ME.
- (Janet chuckles)

WHERE DID YOU EVER COME
UP WITH THAT, CUDDLE-CAKES?

HERE WE GO... CHAMPAGNE
FOR EVERYBODY.

- Larry: OH, WOW.
- Gloria: YEAH, SO NICE.

- Chrissy: CHAMPAGNE?!
- Janet: WHAT A SURPRISE.

- IT'S TIME TO TOAST
THE BRIDE AND GROOM.
- Chrissy and Janet: OKAY.

TO GLORIA AND
LARRY... HAPPY DAYS.

- GOOD TIMES.
- LITTLE HOUSE
ON THE PRAIRIE.

IT'S OKAY, CHRISSY.
YOU CAN DRINK NOW.

EVERYBODY RELAX, I'LL
GO SEE ABOUT THE FOOD.

- WHY DON'T I GIVE
JACK A HAND?
- Janet: OKAY.

(smooching)

- (thumps)
- (gasps)

- HI.
- HI.

YOU DON'T REMEMBER ME, DO YOU?

SURE, I DO. YOU'RE THE
GIRL FROM THE LIVING ROOM.

WE WENT TO HIGH SCHOOL TOGETHER.

- COME ON! WE DID?
- YOU USED TO SIT

IN FRONT OF A VERY
HEAVY-SET, BROWN-HAIRED GIRL,

WITH HORN-RIMMED GLASSES.

OH, SURE... FATTY FOUR-EYES.

LET'S SEE, HER NAME WAS...

- GLORIA?!
- YEAH.

THE STILLMAN DIET,
CONTACT LENSES

AND COLOR ME BLONDE.

- OH, COLOR ME RED... OH, WOW!
- YOU KNOW,

I USED TO HAVE THE
WILDEST CRUSH ON YOU.

DID YOU, FATTY? I MEAN, GLORIA.

I'M SORRY.

I HAD DREAMS OF YOU AND ME

MAKING MAD, PASSIONATE LOVE.

(both laugh)

WELL, THAT WAS A LONG TIME AGO.

- IT WAS LAST NIGHT.
- (thumps)

LAST NIGHT? UH...

WELL, LOOK... GLORIA, UH...

I DON'T KNOW IF WE
SHOULD BE IN HERE ALONE...

YOU KNOW I MEAN? LARRY...
HE IS MY BEST FRIEND.

I ALWAYS SAY, "WHY
TO GO TO STRANGERS?"

NOW DON'T FORGET,
YOU'RE ENGAGED TO LARRY.

I'M GETTING MARRIED, NOT BURIED.

AND LARRY WILL BE OUT
BOWLING EVERY WEDNESDAY.

- NO, GLORIA,
LARRY DOESN'T BOWL.
- WE'LL TEACH HIM.

- GLORIA! GLORIA, PLEASE!
- JACK, YOU DON'T
HAVE TO BEG,

- JUST ASK!
- (screams)

- CAN I HELP YOU GUYS?
- OH?

- YOU'RE A BEAST!
- A RAT.

- A SNAKE.
- A SKUNK.

A GIRAFFE.

A GIRAFFE?!

I RAN OUT OF ANIMALS.

JACK, THAT WAS SUCH A LOUSY
THING THAT YOU DID TO LARRY.

- HE DIDN'T DO IT TO LARRY!
- CHRISSY!

IF YOU GIRLS WILL SHUT UP
FOR A SECOND, I CAN EXPLAIN.

I DID NOT MAKE A PASS AT
GLORIA. SHE WAS ATTACKING ME.

OH, RIGHT, YEAH. THAT'S WHY
CHRISSY CAME IN THE KITCHEN

AND FOUND YOU WITH
GLORIA PINNED TO THE TABLE.

- COME HERE. I'LL SHOW YOU.
- SHOW ME WHAT? JACK!

LOOK, JANET, SHE BACKED
ME UP AGAINST THE HOT STOVE.

I'LL SHOW YOU THE BURN MARKS.

NO!

JACK, THAT WAS REALLY A
VERY ROTTEN THING TO DO!

HONEST, JANET...

WITH YOUR OWN BEST FRIEND
SITTING IN THE VERY NEXT ROOM!

- CHRISSY, I...
- THAT'S RIGHT. HOW COULD YOU?

- HOW DID YOU...
- JANET, IF YOU... (screams)

THAT'S HOW! NOW YOU
BELIEVE ME, CHRISSY?

- THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED!
- CHRISSY, I BELIEVE HIM.

- I BELIEVE HIM.
- OKAY, I GUESS
I BELIEVE HIM TOO.

- JANET, YOU LOOK SO PRETTY.
- OH, THAT'S... JACK!

- JACK!
- OH, BOY,

THIS IS SUCH A MESS! OH, GOD.

- WE HAVE TO GET LARRY
OUT OF THIS WEDDING!
- (doorbell rings)

JUST HANG ON A MINUTE, CHRISSY.

BEFORE WE CALL UP
ANYBODY'S WEDDING,

- WE HAVE TO FIGURE OUT
HOW SERIOUS THIS IS.
- THIS IS SERIOUS.

IF SHE'S ATTRACTED TO YOU, SHE
COULD BE ATTRACTED TO ANYBODY!

- (doorbell rings)
- JACK, JACK, PLEASE.

- LISTEN, LARRY'S
GOTTA BE TOLD.
- I KNOW.

LET ME JUST FIGURE OUT
A WAY TO TELL... IT'S LARRY.

- HI, LARRY.
- HI, JACK.

- Jack: HI.
- I JUST WALKED
GLORIA HOME.

OH, GOSH, THAT'S NICE.
AHEM... LISTEN, LARRY,

UM... JACK HAS SOMETHING

THAT HE WANTS TO
TALK WITH YOU ABOUT,

SO I... I THOUGHT CHRISSY AND
I WOULD WAIT IN THE BEDROOM

AND YOU COULD JUST... BE
HERE ALONE. COME ON, CHRISSY.

OH, BOY. LARRY, YOU
KNOW, LIVING WITH TWO GIRLS

- IS VERY INTENSE...
- LOOK, LOOK... JACK, JACK,

BEFORE YOU SAY ANYTHING, THERE'S
SOMETHING I WANNA SAY TO YOU TOO.

- WELL, IS IT ABOUT... IS IT ABOUT GLORIA?
- UH-HUH.

SHE TOLD ME WHAT
HAPPENED IN THE KITCHEN.

- SHE DID?
- UH-HUH.

- EVERYTHING?
- EVERYTHING.

(whistles) SO...

- WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO NOW?
- FORGIVE YOU.

I THINK THAT'S THE BEST
THING... FORGIVE ME?

LOOK, LOOK, WE'RE ALL
HUMAN. I UNDERSTAND,

WITH A GIRL LIKE GLORIA,
EVEN A BEST FRIEND LIKE YOU

COULDN'T HELP
MAKING A PASS AT HER.

- WHAT?!
- JUST ONE THING,

DON'T LET IT HAPPEN AGAIN, HMM?

(snickers)

COME ON, JACK JUST FACE IT.

YOU HAVE GOT TO
TELL LARRY THE TRUTH.

I CAN'T TELL HIM.
GLORIA'S THE GIRL

HE'S GONNA SHARE HIS LIFE WITH.

WHAT ABOUT THE GUYS HE'S
GONNA SHARE HIS WIFE WITH?

CHRISSY, I CAN'T
DO IT. HE'LL KILL ME.

ALL RIGHT, JACK. ALL RIGHT,
NOW LOOK. THINK ABOUT THIS

FOR A MOMENT, OKAY?

ARE YOU GONNA STAND BY AND LET YOUR VERY
BEST FRIEND THROW HIS ENTIRE LIFE AWAY?

- WHAT'S MY OTHER CHOICE?
- JACK!

- I'M JUST KIDDING. I'M KIDDING... SORT OF.
- GOSH.

BOY, AM I GLAD THAT
WE CALLED LARRY

INSTEAD OF WAITING
FOR JACK TO CALL HIM.

- YOU DID WHAT?
- THAT'S RIGHT, JACK.

WE CALLED LARRY BEFORE YOU GOT
HOME. HE OUGHT TO BE HERE ANY MINUTE.

OH NO, I GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE.

- (doorbell rings)
- JACK, COME ON.

THE WEDDING IS TOMORROW.

YEAH, YOU'RE
RIGHT. YOU'RE RIGHT.

(groans) I'M HIS BEST MAN.

I'M HIS BEST FRIEND.
I'VE GOT TO TELL HIM.

(doorbell rings)

JACK, ANSWER THE DOOR.

- ANSWER THE DOOR.
- I HAVE TO DO ALL
THE DIRTY WORK AROUND HERE.

- HI, LAR. HI.
- HI, GANG.

- HI, LARRY.
- WHAT IS IT YOU WANTED
TO SEE ME ABOUT, JACK?

OH, WE... CHRISSY, JANET
AND I, WE JUST HAVE A...

CHRISSY, LET'S YOU AND I GET
SOMETHING AND BRING IT BACK FOR DINNER.

- OH GOOD, I'LL GO WITH YOU.
- JACK, NEVER MIND.

CHRISSY AND I CAN HANDLE IT.
WE KNOW EXACTLY WHAT TO GET.

- THEY KNOW WHAT TO GET.
- HERE YOU ARE, GOOD BUDDY.

A LITTLE GIFT FOR THE BEST
MAN. IT'S A BOTTLE OF SCOTCH.

- OH, GEE, THANKS, LARRY.
- I KNOW YOU DON'T
DRINK WHISKEY,

BUT IT'S THE THOUGHT
THAT COUNTS.

BESIDES, IT WAS ON SALE.

I GOTTA START WATCHING
MY PENNIES NOW, YOU KNOW.

YEAH, I GUESS SO.

SPEAKING OF MONEY, JACK, I
COULD USE A LITTLE ADVICE.

YOU SEE, GLORIA
HAS THIS CRAZY IDEA

THAT I OWN THE USED
CAR LOT THAT I WORK AT.

WHAT? WHAT A MINUTE,

WHERE'D SHE EVER
GET AN IDEA LIKE THAT?

I THINK IT WAS WHEN I TOLD HER.

- OH...
- NO WAY. WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?

I CAN LAY THE TRUTH
ON HER ANYTIME.

SHE LOVES ME, RIGHT? HUH?

- LARRY, ABOUT GLORIA...
- YEAH, PAL.

I NEED A DRINK FIRST.

- WOULD YOU LIKE A DRINK?
- NO, NO, THANKS.

I DON'T TOUCH THAT CHEAP STUFF.

(high-pitched) HI...

LARRY, DO YOU KNOW WHAT
YOU'RE GETTING YOURSELF INTO?

I MEAN YOU USED TO
BE THE KIND OF GUY

TO TAKE OUT A DIFFERENT
LADY EVERY NIGHT.

YEAH, I ONCE HAD A
DREAM OF WORKING MY WAY

THROUGH THE ENTIRE PHONE BOOK.

IT WAS MY WAY OF GIVING
PLEASURE ALPHABETICALLY.

(both laugh)

YOU SEE, THAT'S
THE POINT. I MEAN,

YOU'RE GOING TO BE STUCK
WITH ONE WOMAN, GLORIA,

- FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.
- AT LEAST I GOT AS FAR
AS THE Gs.

GO FOR "H," LARRY, GO FOR "H."

WHAT ARE YOU TRYING
TO SAY, OLD BUDDY?

IT'S JUST THAT...

IT'S JUST THAT... EXCUSE ME.

WA-AW...

LARRY, LET ME PUT IT THIS WAY.

YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES GETTING
MARRIED IS A LOT LIKE BUYING A CAR.

YOU KNOW, YOU THINK
YOU'RE THE ORIGINAL OWNER,

WHEN ACTUALLY IT'S BEEN
PARKED IN A LOT OF OTHER GARAGES.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN, PAL?

- NO.
- YEAH, THAT'S WHAT
I THOUGHT. EXCUSE ME.

LOOK, JACK, JACK, FOR TWO
HOURS NOW, I'VE BEEN WAITING

FOR YOU TO SAY
WHAT'S ON YOUR MIND.

CAN WE HURRY IT UP A LITTLE BIT?

- WHAT ABOUT GLORIA?
- OKAY.

I JUST HATE TO
TELL YOU THIS, UH...

- LARRY.
- LARRY, I'M SORRY. LARRY, LARRY.

I HATE TO TELL YOU
THIS, LARRY, BUT...

THIS IS THE TRUTH.

FIRST, I WAS IN THE KITCHEN

TAKING MY HORS D'OEUVRES
OUT OF THE STOVE.

AND IN COMES GLORIA.

(high-pitched) "YOU DON'T
REMEMBER ME, DO YOU?"

"FATTY FOUR-EYES
WITH CONTACT LENSES."

(high-pitched) "THE STILLMAN
DIET, AND COLOR ME BLONDE,

AND MAD, PASSIONATE DREAM."

"NO, FATTY FOUR-EYES,
THEY'RE IN THE OTHER ROOM."

(high-pitched) "I'M GETTING
MARRIED NOT BURIED."

"NO..."

(high-pitched) "YES."

- "NO!" - (high-pitched) "YES!"

LOOK OUT FOR THE
HOT STOVE! OW...

AND THAT'S THE WAY IT
HAPPENED, LARRY, LARRY...

YOU UNDERSTAND
WHAT I'M TELLING YOU?

- NOT A WORD.
- LARRY.

LARRY, OH, LARRY.

DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?

SHE'S GONNA SEND YOU BOWLING.

- I DON'T BOWL!
- I'M SUPPOSE TO TEACH YOU.

♪ HERE COMES THE BRIDE ♪

♪ DUM-DUM-DA-DUM ♪

♪ DA-DA-DA... ♪

ISN'T THIS EXCITING?

OW, OW, OW...

- OH...
- HEY, JANET,
STOP BLINKING YOUR EYES.

THE NOISE IS DEAFENING.

THAT'S YOUR OWN FAULT, JACK TRIPPER,
FOR DRINKING ALL THAT WHISKEY LAST NIGHT.

- AND YOU STILL
DIDN'T TELL LARRY.
- I TRIED.

JACK, DO YOU KNOW THAT YOU
WERE SO DRUNK THAT CHRISSY AND I

HAD TO UNDRESS YOU
AND PUT YOU TO BED?

I HOPE YOU DIDN'T
TAKE ADVANTAGE OF ME.

YOU KNOW WHAT A PUSHOVER
I AM AFTER A FEW DRINKS.

YOU KNOW, STANLEY,

THAT'S A VERY HUNGRY
MINISTER YOU'VE GOT THERE.

- WHERE DID YOU FIND HIM?
- IN THE YELLOW PAGES.

- WHAT?
- HE'S FROM SOME CHURCH
OVER ON PICO.

WHAT DENOMINATION?

WHAT DO I CARE? HE WAS CHEAP.

IT'S YOUR CHURCH, ALL RIGHT.

YOUR TROUBLE IS YOU THINK
MONEY IS SOMETHING TO SPEND.

HEY, WHERE'S LARRY?

HE'S UPSTAIRS WAITING
TO WALK THE LAST MILE.

OH, GLORIA, YOU MAKE
SUCH A BEAUTIFUL BRIDE.

- THANK YOU.
- IT'S A SHAME YOU DON'T
TAKE IT UP PROFESSIONALLY.

DON'T YOU THINK THIS IS A
GORGEOUS WEDDING DRESS?

OH YEAH, I BET IT WAS EXPENSIVE.

OH YEAH, BUT
LARRY CAN AFFORD IT.

I MEAN AFTER ALL, HE
DOES OWN A USED CAR LOT.

MRS. ROPER, THE MINISTER IS
READY TO BEGIN THE CEREMONY.

OH JACK, ISN'T IT THRILLING?

DOESN'T IT MAKE YOU WANT TO
JUST RUN OUT AND GET MARRIED?

DON'T RUSH HIM, HELEN.

HE'S STILL WAITING FOR
MR. RIGHT TO COME ALONG.

STANLEY, I GUESS YOU CAN PUT ON

"THE WEDDING MARCH" RECORD NOW.

NO, I CAN'T. I DIDN'T BUY ONE.

STANLEY, WHY NOT?

WHY SPEND $2 FOR SOMETHING
YOU'RE ONLY GOING TO USE ONCE?

YOU SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT OF THAT
WHEN YOU BOUGHT OUR MARRIAGE LICENSE.

EXCUSE ME, LOOK, DO
WE HAVE TO HAVE MUSIC?

I MEAN, COULDN'T
WE JUST HUM SOFTLY?

DON'T WORRY, WE'RE
GONNA HAVE MUSIC.

I'M GONNA PLAY THIS.

NO, NO, STANLEY!

A BUGLE ISN'T APPROPRIATE
FOR A WEDDING.

WHY NOT? IT STARTED
ALL THE OTHER WARS.

- (knocking)
- I'LL GET IT.

ANYTHING TO STOP THE NOISE.

- HI, JACK...
- HOLD UP, WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?

- I GOTTA TALK TO GLORIA.
- YOU KNOW IT'S BAD LUCK

FOR THE GROOM TO SEE THE
BRIDE BEFORE THE WEDDING?

- BUT THERE'S SOMETHING...
- YOU STAY OUT THERE. STAY OUT THERE.

OKAY, GLORIA'S
WAITING IN THE HALL.

OH, OH, EVERYBODY TAKE
YOUR PLACE. TAKE YOUR PLACE.

TAKE YOUR PLACE, STANLEY, JACK.

OKAY, REMEMBER, WHEN I KNOCK
THREE TIMES, YOU COME OUT, OKAY?

- OH BOY, MORE KNOCKING.
- (door shuts)

HEY, LARRY, GET READY.

YOU CAN START THE MUSIC NOW.

(playing "The Wedding March")

WHAT'S HAPPENING?

GLORIA, GLORIA, IS
EVERYTHING OKAY?

- SHE'S NOT HERE.
- I'LL CHECK THE BATHROOM.

- SHE'S NOT IN THE BATHROOM.
- UH-OH, UH-OH.

- WHAT?
- THE WINDOW IS OPEN.

- OH...
- SHE MUST HAVE CLIMBED
OUT AND TAKEN OFF.

- Chrissy and Janet: NO...
- WHAT'S GOING ON IN THERE?

I THINK THEY'RE COMING
NOW, STANLEY. PLAY.

PLAY, PLAY, PLAY.

(playing "The Wedding March")

GLORIA'S RUN OUT. SHE'S
WALKED OUT ON LARRY. SHE'S GONE.

DOES THAT MEAN
THE WEDDING IS OFF?

NOBODY TOUCH THE CAKE.

I THINK I CAN RETURN IT.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND. WHY?

WHY WOULD SHE
JUST LEAVE LIKE THIS?

BEATS ME. SHE SEEMED TO
TAKE THE NEWS VERY WELL.

WHAT NEWS?

I TOLD HER THAT LARRY DIDN'T REALLY
OWN THE USED CAR LOT LIKE HE SAID,

- THAT HE JUST WORKED THERE.
- NOW, WHY DIDN'T I THINK
OF TELLING HER THAT?

'CAUSE YOU'RE NOT SMART LIKE ME.

(laughs)

POOR LARRY, HE'S BEEN JILTED.

WELL, I GUESS, I GOTTA
BE THE ONE TO TELL HIM.

IT'S GONNA KILL HIM.

LARRY, I DON'T KNOW
HOW TO TELL YOU THIS.

- OR WHERE TO TELL YOU.
- WHAT? YOU MEAN
HE'S GONE TOO?

- (grunts)
- WHAT?

"DEAR JACK, THANKS
FOR LAST NIGHT.

THE MESSAGE GOT THROUGH.

ONE GIRL ISN'T ENOUGH FOR ME.

P.S. MONDAY I'M
STARTING ON THE Hs,

LOVE LARRY."

NICE WEDDING PARTY
YOU THREW, HELEN.

YOU HAD TO GO FOR
THE EXPENSIVE MINTS.

WELL, I DIDN'T KNOW.

LOOK AT ALL THE FOOD,
THE CAKE, THE MINISTER,

IT'S ALL MONEY OUT THE WINDOW.

IT DOESN'T HAVE TO
GO TO WASTE, STANLEY.

WHAT?

YOU AND I COULD GET
MARRIED ALL OVER AGAIN.

ARE YOU KIDDING? ONCE IS ENOUGH.

COME ON, MR. ROPER,
IT'LL BE FUN.

- YEAH, COME ON,
MR. ROPER, GO FOR IT.
- YEAH, MR. ROPER.

YEAH, GO AHEAD
AND MARRY THE GIRL.

I DON'T WANT TO.

YOU'RE PAYING FOR IT ANYWAY.

OH WELL, OKAY.

- I'M JUST DOING
THIS FOR YOU, HELEN.
- (Helen laughs)

- MRS. ROPER, HERE.
- OH, OH, GOOD.

- AND CHRISSY AND I
WILL BE YOUR BRIDESMAIDS.
- OH...

YOU COULD BE THE FLOWER GIRL.

"DEARLY BELOVED, WE ARE
GATHERED HERE TO CELEBRATE..."

HOLD IT, HOLD IT. IF WE'RE
GONNA GET MARRIED AGAIN,

LET'S DO THIS RIGHT.

(playing taps)

BOY, MRS. ROPER, THAT
WAS A WONDERFUL WEDDING.

- IT SURE WAS.
- IT'S ABOUT TIME
YOU KIDS MADE IT LEGAL.

(laughing)

WE ALL HAD OUR FUN.
THE WEDDING'S OVER.

OH, NO IT ISN'T, STANLEY.

THERE'S STILL THE WEDDING NIGHT.

WE'RE GONNA DO EXACTLY
WHAT WE DID THE LAST TIME.

GOOD IDEA, HELEN.

REALLY, STANLEY?

YEAH, YOU GO CHANGE.
AND I'LL GET THE CARDS.

(theme music playing)

Ritter's voice: THREE'S
COMPANY WAS VIDEOTAPED

IN FRONT OF A STUDIO AUDIENCE.