Three's Company (1976–1984): Season 3, Episode 7 - Chrissy and the Guru - full transcript

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GEORGE WASHINGTON
CARVER INVENTED IT, YOU KNOW?

- NO, I'M NOT KIDDING.
- Janet: WOULD YOU
GET SERIOUS?

- Jack: THEY'RE REAL
GOOD FOR YOU.
- (Chrissy sighs)

CHRISSY?

(sighs)

JANET, YOU WANT TO MOVE TO
ANOTHER TABLE? IT'S KINDA DRAFTY HERE.

HEY, WHAT'S THE MATTER?



- WHY?
- YOU LOOK SO DEPRESSED.

- I AM.
- HEY, I KNOW HOW
TO CHEER YOU UP.

- CHRISSY, THERE WAS THIS MONKEY...
- JACK,

I DON'T WANT TO BE CHEERED UP.

- IT WILL ONLY
DEPRESS ME.
- OH...

CHRISSY, THIS ISN'T LIKE
YOU... BEING DEPRESSED.

THAT'S WHAT'S DEPRESSING ME.

OH...

- DON'T YOU TWO
UNDERSTAND?
- HUH-UH.

YOU BOTH HAVE GOOD
MOODS, BAD MOODS,

IN-BETWEEN MOODS
LIKE NORMAL PEOPLE.

I HAVE TO GO THROUGH LIFE ALL
THE TIME ALWAYS BEING HAPPY,

- ALWAYS BEING CHEERFUL...
- HOLD IT, HOLD IT.

YOU'RE UNHAPPY RIGHT NOW.

- THAT DOESN'T COUNT.
- WHY?

BEING UNHAPPY BECAUSE
YOU'RE NOT UNHAPPY

IS JUST AS BAD AS BEING HAPPY.

OH...

CHRISSY, CHRISSY, IS THERE
ANYTHING THAT WE COULD DO TO HELP?

YOU COULD TELL ME SOMETHING
REALLY GLOOMY AND DEPRESSING.

ONLY IF IT'LL MAKE YOU HAPPY.

OH, IT WILL.

ALL RIGHT, CHRISSY,
THERE WAS A BIG ACCIDENT...

NO, JACK, PLEASE.

SEE, CHRISSY, IF HE TELLS
YOU SOMETHING GLOOMY,

- THEN I'LL GET DEPRESSED.
- NOW WAIT A MINUTE,
WAIT A MINUTE.

HOW CAN I MAKE YOU SAD AND
MAKE YOU HAPPY AT THE SAME...

I DON'T KNOW.

I GOT IT, I GOT IT.
OKAY, CHRISSY,

YOU CAN LISTEN, BUT DON'T LOOK.

AND JANET, COME ON, COME ON.

YOU LOOK, BUT DON'T LISTEN.

- CAN YOU HEAR ME, CHRISSY?
- YUP.

CHRISSY, THERE'S
THIS TRAGIC STORY

- ABOUT THESE POOR
FROZEN ESKIMOS.
- NO.

(Janet laughs)

AND THEY WENT
FISHING IN THEIR KAYAKS

AND A HUGE BLIZZARD CAME UP

(laughs)

- AND THEY WERE NEVER
HEARD FROM SINCE.
- (laughs)

NOW, HAVE YOU ALSO HEARD ABOUT
THE TERRIBLE MONSOONS IN ASIA?

- NO.
- THEY CAUSE SUCH FLOODING
THAT INNER MONGOLIA

IS NOW OUTER MONGOLIA.

AND THE SUPPLY SHIP SANK.

(barking) I'M A WALRUS.

I WAS DRINKING A REAL TALL COKE.

YOU REALLY ARE A VERY
STRANGE PERSON, JACK.

- CAN I LOOK NOW?
- YES, CHRISSY, YES.

- HI, KIDS.
- HI, MRS. ROPER.

HI, I WAS JUST...
I WAS JUST... HI.

NO, IT'S OKAY, JACK, IT
WAS REALLY VERY FUNNY.

Jack: THANK YOU.

HERE'S AN EMPTY BOOTH,
STANLEY. LET'S GO HAVE A DRINK.

I COULD USE ONE.

FIRST, I GET THAT LETTER
FROM INTERNAL REVENUE

THIS MORNING, AND
THAT... THAT JACK.

- COUPLE OF BEERS, JIM.
- OH, WAIT, WAIT.

STANLEY, WOULDN'T YOU LIKE
TO SPLURGE ON SOMETHING

A LITTLE SPECIAL TONIGHT?

MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT.
MAKE MINE A SCOTCH.

WAIT A MINUTE.

DON'T YOU EVER THINK ABOUT ME?

YEAH, BUT I CAME HERE
TO FORGET MY TROUBLES.

I WAS JUST KIDDING AROUND.
TELL HIM WHAT YOU'D LIKE.

I'D LIKE A NEW HUSBAND,

BUT FOR NOW I'LL TAKE
A GIN ON THE ROCKS.

ALL RIGHT.

IT'S NOT FAIR, HELEN.

I MEAN WHY IS THE
GOVERNMENT AUDITING MY TAXES?

WE SHOULD HAVE
STAYED AT HOME TONIGHT.

WHAT GOOD WOULD THAT DO?

I COULD HAVE TAKEN YOUR
MIND OFF YOUR PROBLEMS.

HOW?

(muttering)

WHEN I READ THAT LETTER
FROM THE GOVERNMENT

I WAS SO MAD THAT I WAS SHAKING.

WELL, THAT WOULD
HAVE BEEN A START.

(chanting)

PEACE AND JOY BE WITH YOU.

WHY THANK YOU. EXCUSE ME.

SO, ANYWAY CHRISSY, WHAT...

SORRY, I DON'T HAVE
ANY CHANGE. EXCUSE ME.

- (chanting)
- HANG ON, HANG ON.

I JUST FELT A QUARTER POP UP.

OH, LOOK, HERE WE GO.

HERE'S SOME CHANGE.
THERE'S ONE FOR YOU

AND FOR YOUR TAMBOURINE
HAVE A BALL, OKAY?

MAY THE ESSENCE OF LOVE

PERMEATE YOUR HEART.

OH, THAT'S VERY NICE, VERY NICE.

- NOW CHRISSY...
- (chanting)

EXCUSE ME, EXCUSE ME, WE'RE
NOT DISTURBING YOU ARE WE?

- NOT AT ALL.
- OH.

WE ARE ALL BROTHERS AND SISTERS.

GET A LOAD OF THAT, HELEN.

SEE WHAT THE WORLD IS COMING TO.

AND YOU'RE OUR BROTHER, TOO.

- AHA.
- THAT'S ALL I NEED
IS ANOTHER RELATIVE.

WE ARE DISCIPLES OF
SWAMI RAMA MAGEESH.

- OH...
- OH, THAT'S TERRIFIC.

YOU SEE MY RELIGION DOESN'T
ALLOW ME TO CARRY MONEY.

I SEE.

WOULD YOU HELP US TO HELP OTHERS

WITH A SMALL DONATION?

I'M TERRIBLY SORRY, BUT I FORGOT
TO BRING MY MONEY WITH ME.

NO, YOU DIDN'T, JANET.
DON'T YOU REMEMBER?

CHRISSY, CHRISSY.

- YOU GAVE IT TO ME. WE HAVE $4 AND...
- Janet: CHRISSY.

- 53¢.
- CHRISSY, CHRISSY.

- THAT'S ALL THE MONEY
THAT WE HAVE.
- IT IS?

- YES.
- YOUR SELFLESSNESS
WILL BE ITS OWN REWARD.

OH, THAT'S WONDERFUL.

ALL THESE PEOPLE WANT
ARE OTHER PEOPLE'S MONEY.

THEY'RE LIKE UH...
LIKE... LANDLORDS?

SISTERS.

- Both disciples:
PEACE AND LOVE, SWAMI.
- PEACE AND LOVE, SISTERS.

- GOOD HEAVENS.
- EXCUSE ME,

- I AM RAMA MAGEESH.
- CONGRATULATIONS.

OH, WAIT, NO, HEY,
YEAH. WAIT, EXCUSE ME,

THIS YOUNG LADY HERE
SHE JUST GAVE ALL...

SHE DONATED ALL OF OUR
MONEY TO YOUR CAUSE THERE

AND NOW WE DON'T HAVE ANY
MONEY TO PAY OUR BILL WITH.

YEAH, BUT DON'T
WORRY, WE KNOW THAT

"SELFLESSNESS IS
ITS OWN REWARD."

PLEASE, TAKE YOUR MONEY BACK.

SISTERS, THERE ARE OTHER
SOULS TO BE ENLIGHTENED.

PEACE AND JOY BE
WITH YOU FOREVER.

THAT WAS A VERY NICE
THING TO DO, MR. RAMA.

OH MY CHILD, WHEN SELF-SACRIFICE
CEASES TO INVOLVE THE SELF,

IT IS NO LONGER HOLY.

OH, THAT'S SO BEAUTIFUL.

WHAT DOES HE MEAN?

IT MEANS YOU SHOULDN'T GIVE THE
SHIRT OFF OF SOMEBODY ELSE'S BACK.

YES, ESPECIALLY TO THOSE
WHO DON'T EVEN WEAR A SHIRT.

(Jack, Janet and Rama laugh)

A GOOD SENSE OF HUMOR IS
NECESSARY FOR GOOD MENTAL HEALTH.

- SO KEEP TRYING.
- OKAY.

JACK, IT IS NOT NICE TO MAKE FUN
OF THE WAY A PERSON IS DRESSED.

- THANK YOU, MY CHILD.
- MAYBE HE DOESN'T KNOW
ANY BETTER.

(Jack, Janet and Rama laugh)

- CHRISSY, CHRISSY...
- NO, NO, NO, DON'T STOP HER.

SHE SPEAKS HER MIND. SHE'S
HONEST AND PURE OF HEART.

A CHILD OF NATURE.

AND NATURE IS THE
PATH TO WISDOM.

AND WISDOM IS THE
SOURCE OF TRUE HAPPINESS.

YOU MEAN I'M HAPPY,
BECAUSE I'M WISE?

WHAT MORE CAN I SAY?

WHY DIDN'T YOU THINK OF THAT?

- HEY, WOULD YOU
LIKE TO SIT DOWN?
- OH NO...

- WAIT, WE'RE SORT OF...
- THANK YOU, MY CHILD, YES.

SO, MR. RAMA...

- HI, JANET.
- HI, JACK.

- IS CHRISSY HOME?
- NO, NO, SHE WENT
TO SEE THAT GURU

THAT WE MET THE OTHER NIGHT.

YOU MEAN THAT GUY WHO KEPT SAYING
"PEACE AND LOVE, PEACE AND LOVE"?

- THAT'S THE ONE.
- BOY, THAT CHANT
GOT ON MY NERVES.

WELL, JACK, IF YOU'RE
GONNA MEET A GURU,

THAT'S THE CHANCE
YOU GOTTA TAKE.

- (both chuckle)
- NOT BAD.

WHAT'S CHRISSY
DOING WITH THIS GURU?

OH, I WISH YOU HADN'T ASKED.
SHE WENT TO PAY HIM BACK.

- FOR WHAT?
- THE DRINKS.

- JANET, THAT
WAS OUR MONEY!
- I KNOW, I KNOW,

BUT CHRISSY THOUGHT IT WOULD
BE THE HONEST THING TO DO.

WHAT? TO GIVE AN OBVIOUS
CON ARTIST OUR MONEY?

- HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT?
- JANET, ALL YOU HAVE TO
DO IS READ THE PAPERS.

THESE GROUPS ARE ALL OVER
TOWN TRYING TO TURN A FAST BUCK.

HAVEN'T YOU SEEN THEM ON
THE BEACH SHAKING THEIR CANS?

- WHAT?
- WELL, THEY DON'T ALL
USE TAMBOURINES.

OH...

- HI.
- HEY, CHRISSY.

LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING. DID THAT
INDIAN-GIVER REALLY TAKE HIS MONEY BACK?

JACK, THAT'S UNCALLED FOR.

WHAT A TERRIBLE WAY TO
TALK ABOUT RAMA MAGEESH.

- I JUST WANT TO FIND OUT...
- YOU SHOULD NEVER JOKE

ABOUT THINGS YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
UNTIL YOU UNDERSTAND THEM.

AND EVEN THEN YOU
SHOULDN'T JOKE ABOUT THEM,

BECAUSE YOU DON'T
UNDERSTAND. UNDERSTAND?

- NICE GOING.
- WHAT DID I DO?

OH JACK, COME ON, YOU KNOW
HOW SENSITIVE CHRISSY IS.

LISTEN, JANET, I HAVE A
RIGHT TO SPEAK MY MIND,

- DON'T I?
- YES, YOU DO, BUT
WOULD YOU DO ME A FAVOR?

NEXT TIME YOU WANT TO SPEAK YOUR
OWN MIND, KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT.

- ALL RIGHT, OKAY.
- HA HA HA HA, LAUGH. HA HA HA, JOKE.

- I GUESS
YOU'RE RIGHT.
- YEAH.

WE'VE BOTH SEEN
CHRISSY LIKE THIS BEFORE,

- HAVEN'T WE? A LITTLE STRANGE.
- A LITTLE?

- THEN SHE GETS
OVER IT, DOESN'T SHE?
- YEAH, SURE.

PEACE AND LOVE BE WITH YOU.

JOKE OVER.

OKAY, CHRISSY, YOU'VE
HAD YOUR LITTLE JOKE.

NOW, WHY DON'T YOU PUT
THOSE SHEETS BACK ON THE BED?

- JACK!
- I THINK YOU SHOULD
READ THIS.

- WHAT IS IT?
- "PEARLS OF THE PROFOUND."

IT IS THE BRILLIANT THOUGHTS
OF THE RAMA MAGEESH.

OH I SEE, IT'S ONE OF THOSE
BOOKS FULL OF BLANK PAGES, HUH?

IT WILL OPEN YOUR MIND.

YOU THINK I HAVE A
CLOSED MIND, MOI?

YES.

AND DO YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS TO
A MAN WHO GROPES IN THE DARKNESS?

HE GETS KICKED OUT BY THE USHER?

OKAY, OKAY, ALL RIGHT.

I WISH I HAD TIME TO
MAKE YOU UNDERSTAND,

BUT I DON'T. I HAVE TO GO OUT.

- WAIT.
- YOU GONNA BE GOING OUT
DRESSED LIKE THAT?

I MEAN, SUPPOSE
SOMEBODY SEES YOU.

THAT'S THE WHOLE IDEA.

SEE, I'LL BE GOING DOOR TO DOOR
SPREADING THE RAMA'S WORD...

PEACE AND LOVE, JOY AND
HAPPINESS, SOMETHING ELSE...

TRICK-OR-TREAT?

IT JUST SO HAPPENS
THAT THE RAMA IS BUILDING

- A BRAND NEW COMMUNE
UP AT BIG SUR.
- AT BIG SUR?

- YEAH.
- HE'S GONNA BE BUILDING
A COMMUNE UP THERE?

THAT'S OVER 300 MILES AWAY.

SO, HE'LL BE SPENDING A LOT
OF HIS TIME UP NORTH THEN?

- THAT'S NICE.
- YEAH. BUT DON'T WORRY...

I'LL GIVE YOU PLENTY OF TIME
TO FIND A NEW ROOMMATE.

- A NEW ROOMMATE?
- OH, WELL, YEAH.

MY PLACE IS GOING TO BE
WITH THE RAMA AT BIG SUR.

- Janet: CHRISSY...
- PEACE AND LOVE
BE WITH YOU.

- CHRISSY...
- WHAT?

DO YOU BELIEVE THAT?
I DON'T BELIEVE THAT.

DO YOU BELIEVE THAT? JANET,
YOU WEREN'T MUCH HELP EITHER.

- YOU'RE JUST STANDING THERE.
- JACK, I HAVE BEEN THINKING
ABOUT THIS.

I THINK THAT IF I WERE CHRISSY,

I WOULD WANT MY
FRIENDS TO UNDERSTAND.

YOU MEAN YOU WOULD
LET HER GO UP TO BIG SUR?

- I'M NOT
HAPPY ABOUT IT.
- AHA!

I'LL REALLY MISS HER. BUT
WE SHOULD NOT INTERFERE.

AHA! AHA!

HOLD IT, STRIKE THAT LAST AHA.

I CANNOT STAND BY AND WATCH
HER RUN OFF WITH SOME CRACKPOT.

- WILL YOU JUST CALM DOWN?
- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

OKAY, ARE YOU ANGRY BECAUSE HE
MADE YOU LOOK FOOLISH THE OTHER NIGHT?

HEY, JANET, I DON'T NEED ANY FAKE
GURU TO MAKE ME LOOK FOOLISH.

HELEN, I FINALLY FIGURED IT OUT.

IT'S GONNA BE A TIGHT
SQUEEZE, BUT WE CAN MAKE IT.

WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO CUT OUT A
FEW UNNECESSARY THINGS LIKE...

ENTERTAINMENT, YOUR ALLOWANCE.

YOU HEAR ME, HELEN?

- WHAT?
- I SAID
WE'RE GONNA MAKE IT.

OH, STANLEY! YOU MEAN IT?

OF COURSE I MEAN IT, BUT
YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO HELP.

- I'LL HELP, I'LL HELP!
- (doorbell rings)

- I'LL GET IT.
- NO, LET IT RING. LET IT RING.

PEACE AND LOVE BE WITH YOU.

CHRISSY, IF YOU REALLY
MEAN THAT, COME BACK LATER.

NO, I GOT IT. COME ON IN.
WE'RE NOT DOING ANYTHING.

MR. ROPER, WOULD LIKE TO SEE POVERTY
ELIMINATED FROM THE FACE OF THE EARTH?

I THINK SO.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE THE
SICK CURED AND THE HUNGRY FED?

I THINK SO.

THEN I KNOW YOU'D LIKE
TO MAKE A SMALL DONATION.

I DON'T THINK SO.

LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

RAMA MAGEESH OPENED MY EYES.

WAS THAT BEFORE OR AFTER
YOU PICKED OUT THIS OUTFIT?

MR. ROPER, YOUR DONATIONS
ARE DEDUCTIBLE, YOU KNOW?

YEAH, FOR ME, BUT IT'S
INCOME FOR THE CHURCH.

THEN YOU'LL HAVE
TO PAY THE TAXES.

OH, I NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT.

CHURCHES DON'T
HAVE TO PAY TAXES.

THEY DON'T?

I WISH I COULD TURN THIS
BUILDING INTO A CHURCH.

THE GOVERNMENT
WOULD NEVER BELIEVE IT.

HAVE THEM CHECK WITH ME. I'LL
SWEAR YOU LIVE THE LIFE OF A MONK.

A SMALL DONATION?

WILL YOU JUST STOP SITTING
THERE STUFFING YOUR FACE?

DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?
WE'RE ABOUT TO LOSE CHRISSY.

I KNOW THAT, JACK.

- WHAT ARE WE GONNA
DO ABOUT IT?
- NOTHING.

- IT'S HER BUSINESS.
- THAT'S JUST GREAT. THAT'S JUST DANDY.

THAT'S A GREAT ATTITUDE.

PEACE AND LOVE BE WITH YOU.

WHY IS IT EVERY TIME
I HEAR SOMEONE SAY

"PEACE AND LOVE BE WITH
YOU" IT MAKES ME MAD?

WILL YOU PLEASE JUST RELAX?

- HI, CHRISSY.
- HI.

- WHERE YOU BEEN?
- TO THE BANK.

I TOOK OUT ALL MY MONEY. $327.

WHAT FOR?

I WAS TALKING TO
THE RAMA AND HE SAID

THE MONEY WOULD DO MORE
GOOD FOR MY INNER SELF AT BIG SUR

THAN FOR MY OUTER
SELF AT THE BANK.

- OH.
- WHAT DO YOU THINK
OF YOUR SWAMI NOW?

- WE BETTER
DO SOMETHING. THINK.
- THAT'S WHAT I'VE...

- CHRISSY,
HANG ON A SECOND.
- CHRISSY.

CHRISSY, YOU KNOW,

I'VE BEEN THINKING A LOT ABOUT
WHAT YOU'VE BEEN SAYING, YOU KNOW?

AND SUDDENLY... PEACE
AND JOY BE WITH YOU.

SUDDENLY, IT WAS AS
IF A LIGHT BULB... FOOP...

WENT ON INSIDE MY LITTLE HEAD.

OH, JACK, OH, JACK, THAT'S EXACTLY
HOW IT WAS FOR ME... EXACTLY.

- REALLY? REALLY? BUT THEN...
- YES.

SUDDENLY IT WAS LIKE
THE LIGHT WENT OUT AGAIN.

SORT OF LIKE THE DEVIL
CAME IN AND PULLED THE PLUG.

- OH, JACK.
- YEAH, I KNOW,
BUT THEN, BUT THEN,

I NEED SOMEONE TO TALK TO.

YOU KNOW, SOMEONE
WHO'S A GOOD TEACHER.

SOMEONE WHO CAN
ANSWER ALL MY QUESTIONS.

SOMEONE WHO CAN SWITCH
THE LIGHT ON AGAIN. WHAT?

- RAMA MAGEESH. RAMA MAGEESH.
- PARDON ME?

OH CHRISSY, WHY
DIDN'T I THINK OF THAT?

RAMA IS A TERRIFIC TEACHER.

MAYBE I'LL BUMP INTO HIM
SOMEDAY, I DON'T KNOW.

I KNOW, I KNOW, I'LL
GET HIM TO COME HERE.

OH CHRISSY, THAT'S A GREAT IDEA.

YOU'VE DONE IT AGAIN.

WE MUST HAVE
KNOWLEDGE OF THE SELF.

NOW PARTS OF THE
BODY ARE NOT THE SELF.

PARTS OF THE BODY PUT TOGETHER

ARE NOT THE SELF.

ONLY THE SELF IS THE SELF.

YOU SEE HOW SIMPLE IT IS?

RAMA.

I'M STILL NOT SURE, YOU KNOW?

I... I... I FEEL A LITTLE STRANGE
TALKING ABOUT MYSELF

WITH OTHER SELVES IN THE ROOM.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT?

JACK'S RIGHT, THE SELF
IS A VERY PERSONAL THING.

JANET AND I WILL LEAVE AND
YOU TWO CAN TALK, OKAY?

- COME ON, JANET.
- OH CHRISSY, WHAT
A GOOD IDEA.

WELL...
- YOU HAVE SOME QUESTIONS. - YES.

WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO PULL?

YOU MAY HAVE CONNED CHRISSY,

BUT TO ME YOU'RE NOTHING
BUT A PHONY AND A FRAUD

RIPPING OFF PEOPLE'S MONEY
BY MESSING UP THEIR MINDS.

- DON'T TRY TO DENY IT.
- I DON'T DENY IT. I ADMIT IT.

I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU
ADMIT, YOU SAY RIGHT...

- PARDON ME?
- IT'S TRUE. EVERY BIT OF IT.

- IT IS?
- MM-HMM.

IN THAT CASE, I THINK IT'S
TIME SHE LEARNED THE TRUTH.

CHRISSY!

GOOD, WHOSE TRUTH DO
YOU THINK SHE WILL BELIEVE?

(chuckles) YOUR TRUTH OR MINE?

(door opens)

WELL, HOW DID IT GO OUT HERE.

DUCKY, JUST DUCKY.

RAMAR, I'VE UNDERESTIMATED YOU.

COME, JANET, I NEED TO
MEDITATE AT THE REGAL BEAGLE.

- WHY AT THE REGAL BEAGLE?
- I ALSO NEED A DRINK.

OH...

I THINK HIS MIND IS
STARTING TO OPEN.

- WHAT COULD BE
MORE BEAUTIFUL?
- THE MONEY.

- DID YOU GET THE MONEY?
- OH, YEAH.

JACK WAS REALLY AFFECTED,
WHAT DID YOU TELL HIM?

MERELY... THE TRUTH.

MY FATHER ALWAYS SAYS THE
TRUTH SHALL SET YOU FREE.

AH, YOU FATHER IS A WISE MAN.

AND HE HAS A WISE DAUGHTER,

WHO IS ALSO
BEAUTIFUL, DELECTABLE

AND DIVINELY SENSUOUS.

OH... YOU NEVER SAID
THOSE THINGS BEFORE.

WE'VE NEVER BEEN ALONE BEFORE.

(groans)

DO YOU REALIZE WHAT WE'RE DOING?

- TRUST ME.
- FIRST TAKE YOUR HAND
OFF ME.

I'M TRYING TO HELP YOU UP.

THEN I WOULD RATHER
YOU GRAB MY ARM.

OH, I'M SORRY IT'S
SO DARK OUT HERE.

SHH... RELAX. RELAX, CHRISSY.

YOU'VE GOT TO FEEL NATURAL.

YOU'VE GOT TO BE FREE.

LET ME HELP YOU OPEN YOURSELF.

AH... AH...
- DO YOU FEEL IT?
- YEAH.

OH, YEAH, I CAN FEEL IT.

- MY MIND IS OPENING.
- YES.

- MY HEART IS OPENING.
- YES.

- RAMA?
- YES?

MY BLOUSE IS OPENING.

- JACK.
- COME ON.

- FOOT. MY FOOT.
- WHAT? OH...

I'M SORRY, I'M SO SORRY.

- SHH...
- I DON'T KNOW HOW I LET
YOU TALK ME INTO THIS.

- I JUST WANT TO SEE
WHAT THEY'RE UP TO.
- OH JACK,

BUT SPYING ON PEOPLE, HOW
COULD YOU STOOP SO LOW?

- IT'S THE BEST WAY
TO SPY.
- OH...

BUT I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU
NEVER THINK OF PHYSICAL LOVE?

I DON'T.

THEN WHY IS YOUR
HAND ON MY KNEE?

YOU SEE HOW I NEVER THINK OF IT.

- THIS IS AWFUL, JACK...
- LOOK, JUST LOOK.

- WILL YOU LOOK?
- THIS IS PERFECTLY... OH MY GOD.

WITHOUT THE WIND
TO FAN THE FLAME,

THERE WOULD BE NO FIRE.

MR. RAMA, WOULDN'T
YOU RATHER MEDITATE?

OH, IF YOU COULD SEE MY HEART,
YOU WOULD SEE IT AS BURNING,

- BURNING...
- MR. RAMA?

- MR. RAMA?
- HOLD IT RIGHT THERE,
BUSTER.

- WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
- BETTER QUESTION. WHAT
ARE YOU DOING THERE?

I WAS MERELY TESTING CHRISSY.

TESTING? LOOKED MORE LIKE
YOU WERE TAKING INVENTORY.

I AM ENDEAVORING TO ASCERTAIN

WHETHER CHRISSY CAN RESIST
ALL TEMPTATIONS OF THE FLESH.

CONGRATULATIONS, MY DEAR,
YOU HAVE PASSED THE TEST.

YOU ARE A WORTHY
DISCIPLE OF RAMA MAGEESH.

WE WILL DISCUSS THIS FURTHER

IN THE SERENITY OF OUR
NEW HOME IN BIG SUR.

UNTIL THEN, MAY PEACE AND
JOY BE WITH YOU FOREVER.

NO, JACK, THERE'S A BETTER WAY?

HEY, CHRISSY, I GUESS I
HAD HIM PEGGED ALL WRONG.

I'M SORRY, HE'S ONE OF
THE GOOD GUYS AFTER ALL.

YEAH, RIGHT, HE WAS
JUST TESTING YOU, CHRISSY.

BOY, YOU GUYS ARE DUMB.

- THAT FAKE
WAS COMING ONTO ME.
- YOU KNEW THAT?

JANET, THOSE WEREN'T HIS KNEES.

HE WAS PRAYING ON.

CHRISSY, THAT WAS SORT OF
AN EXPENSIVE LESSON, WASN'T IT?

IT COST YOU YOUR $327.

IT COULD HAVE COST HER
A LITTLE MORE THAN THAT.

- THAT FINK WAS GETTING
PRETTY CLOSE IN HERE.
- THAT WAS OKAY.

I WAS TRYING TO GET HIM AS
CLOSE TO ME AS I POSSIBLY COULD.

HUH?

IT WAS THE ONLY WAY I
COULD GET MY MONEY BACK.

- THAT'S THE $300? CHRISSY!
- CHRISSY!

OH...

BUT LISTEN, NOW THAT YOU
HAVE YOUR MONEY BACK,

I SUGGEST YOU PUT IT IN A SAFE
PLACE BEFORE SOMEBODY ELSE GETS IT.

- YEAH.
- WHERE?

- VERY GOOD.
- THAT'S THE FIRST PLACE
THEY'D LOOK.

- HERE.
- HEY.

- JUST... LET ME...
- HEY THERE, JERKY.

HELLO?

I'M FINE.

YOU'RE WHERE? BIG SUR?

- YOU WANT ME TO COME UP?
- HOLD IT RIGHT THERE,
CHRISSY.

- GIVE ME THAT PHONE.
LISTEN, BUSTER, - JACK...

CHRISSY'S NOT INTERESTED
IN YOUR MUMBO-JUMBO.

- JACK, DON'T.
- SHE DOESN'T CARE
WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY.

LET ME HANDLE
THIS. LET ME... HUH?

HEY, I DON'T CARE WHAT KIND OF
SERMON IT IS YOU'RE PREACHING,

NO, NO, LISTEN. CHRISSY
HAS FOUND YOU OUT

FOR THE BIG PHONY
FATHEAD YOU REALLY ARE.

HUH? PARDON ME? WHAT?

OH CHRISSY, YOUR FATHER
WANTS TO TALK TO YOU AGAIN.

TELL HIM I SAID HI.

DAD, THAT WAS JACK.

(theme music playing)

Ritter's voice: "THREE'S
COMPANY" WAS VIDEOTAPED

IN FRONT OF A STUDIO AUDIENCE.