Those Who Can't (2016–…): Season 1, Episode 4 - The Fairbell Tape - full transcript

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ENJOY!!!! Do not miss
this tomorrow! Hey,

what are you doing with
our vending machine?

That's our candy.

Don't take away my candy.

It sounds bad to say, but I
enjoy watching them cry.

- I really do.
- Well, it's good for them.

They're being freed from
the Monsanto mentality.

I'll give you $100
if you can tell me

a single thing
Monsanto produces.

Outrage... the largest
producer in the U.S.

Hey, man, that's the
teachers' vending machine.



Just doing what I'm told.

That's what the Nazis said!

Dude, that's our
vending machine.

What the hell, man?

Yeah, it's a damn
shame when the people

don't realize they have
an addiction, you know?

What exposure is that?

Ugh, indecent.

D Quit wasting my time d

d I ain't here for you d

d I'm just putting in work d

d Till my day is through d

I'm going for it.

Be careful.



Oh!

Son of a bitch!

The only way that
could be grosser

is if it were
served in a urinal.

This... this is textbook big
brother stuff right here.

- Easy, you're spitting.
- I'm sorry.

If I don't get my Hydrox
cookies, I get quite irritable.

Hydrox is your fix.

Boy, you can take the boy
out of the trailer park,

- but you cannot take the...
- Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

They got the teachers'
lounge, too?!

How the hell am I supposed
to get my red vines?!

Calm down, woman.

You guys need to embrace
this healthier lifestyle.

It's just that usually I've
had four red vines by now,

- and now I've had zero red vines.
- Exactly.

Abbey, it's okay to skip sweets
every now and then, okay?

Trust me... I'm the
health teacher.

We have got to get
those machines back.

You shut your mouth, okay?

We'll get to the bottom of this
by going straight to the middle.

Yeah, shut your mouth.

They're just cranky.

You shut your mouth!

Well, coast is clear.

I told you she's at
7-Eleven, pounding nachos.

Hold up there, Duke boys.

Hey, we need to talk to Quinn.

Someone took all the vending
machines out of the building.

This is a civil-rights
emergency.

Oh, well, let me get Dr. Martin
Luther king Jr. on the phone.

He's dead, Tammy.

We need to see Quinn.

He can't help you. No one can.

It's those bitches in the PTA.

I'd rather put on a
thong and dance naked

in a pit of cobras before
I cross that coven.

What a super unappetizing image.

And why would you put
on a thong first?

- That makes no sense.
- Get out.

Listen, if I don't
get my sugar...

if these kids don't
get their sugar fix,

this whole place is gonna
turn into a goddamn zoo.

A goddamn zoo.

Oh, they're gonna get
their fix, all right.

Don't worry about that.

Whenever there's a void,
someone fills it.

Huh, you know what, Tammy?

I think you just
gave me a good idea.

You're really earning that
$17,500 a year, aren't you?

- You should have let it hit you.
- Oh, god.

You're a lot quicker
than you look, Tammy.

Stop.

Did you bend over for
the head of the PTA?

No, no, no, she's here.
Gwen Stephanie is here.

The lead singer of no doubt?

No.

That's Gwen Stefani.

Hi, I'm Gwen Stephanie.

Studies show students
who eat nutritious food

are more productive, test
higher, and are happier.

You sexless fascist.

Give us our candy machines back.

That's never gonna happen.

Geoffrey, tell him.

Uh, yeah, Bil... Billy.

Um, you see, the PTA helps
raise money for the school,

which helps pay
teachers' salaries.

Or sometimes doesn't.

I will not be threatened.

And if you think I'm gonna let
you take our rights away,

Gwen Stephanie, well, that
is just b-a-n-a-n-a-s.

- W-would you like to touch my bonsai?
- Shut up.

And according to
general Larimer's

"Field Guide on
Prolific Procreation,"

a sturdy female can be
expected to deliver

up to 12 future farmhands
before her natural death

at the age of 32.

Yes, pregnant Beth.

How old is this book?

Oh, it's... it's pretty recent.

It's from the '50s...

Or 1850s.

Well, do you have
anything more modern

that's, like, LGBT-friendly?

LGB... like "big
friendly giant"?

No, like, for instance,
I'm straight.

- Duh.
- What's your sexual orientation?

Uhhhmmm...

Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...

There you are, Kyle.

Get at me when you
need more, Homey.

What's up, Patrick?

I'm-a come at you
at sixth period.

You ain't got my money, you
ain't got no pixy sticks,

you little Sherm-head.

Oh-ooh!

Hey, what's up, Baby Girl?

You back already? What you need?
Red vines?

Actually, yeah.

Red vines for the redhead.

Nah, son, step off.

That'll be $2.

They were $1 two periods ago.

And it'll be $4 two
periods from now.

You want it or not?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I need it, I need it.

See you in two periods,
you little chicken head.

Cluck, cluck!

Hey, how are you gonna generate
the necessary 1.21 jigawatts

- to get back to the present?
- "Jiga" what?

All right, I'm gonna go before
I have to hit your face.

"Jiga" who?

I can't stand to see you
doing this to yourself.

I know. It's humiliating.

We got to get those
machines back.

Well, you know, infiltrating
the PTA is gonna be hard.

They're like a cult.

This place could go
Jonestown, you know...

an airstrip in the
jungle, sandals.

- Mm-hmm.
- Whoa, look at that.

Oh, it's from Loren.

Probably just cypress
hill tickets.

Why the hell did you pull
me off my corner, man?

I got prime real estate.

Pull you off? You
sent me this letter.

I didn't send you that letter.
You sent me this letter.

- Psst! It was me!
- Whoa.

Ow!

I sent the letters.

Well, that would explain
all the misspellings.

I'm sorry for
betraying your trust.

I actually can't believe you
thought of this whole thing.

It's pretty elaborate for you.

- Good job.
- Thank you.

I read about it in
"Baby-Sitters Club"

number 117... "The
Samantha Switcheroo."

Anyway, I'm having
kind of a sex problem.

- Okay, I'm out. No, no, no.
- No, no, no, no, no, no.

- No, I can't do this.
- We agreed.

We said when he started
asking questions,

we were gonna do this together.

And now is the time.

All right, fine. You start.

Fairbell, when a
man loves a woman

at the end of the bar, he
typically sends her a drink.

Right, a stiff one.

Then he takes her back
to his apartment,

and he doesn't wear condoms

because four million
Catholics can't be wrong.

They've never been
wrong about anything,

and she never seems crazy...
that's the thing.

But now she's showing up to
stuff, claiming she's pregnant.

And she is gaining weight,
so what's that about?

Then she has the baby, and
then the in-laws start saying,

"oh, you got to quit
your touring band,"

because the boy might
have Asperger's.

He does have Asperger'.

You think so? I just
think he's focused.

No, he's odd, and
he's meticulous.

Guys, guys, guys, I'm the
health teacher, okay?

I know how you-know-whats work.

My problem is I don't know my...
sexual orientation.

Yeah, I don't know what's
creepier, Fairbell...

the fact that you
just whispered that

or that you whispered
it from a bush.

It's really pretty simple, man.

What are you into? What
what gets you off?

You mean like when I pet myself?

I guess I can show you.

No.

All right, if we're gonna do
this, everyone give me room.

- I'm all elbows.
- No one is doing anything.

We're gonna watch a minute of
the tape to help Fairbell,

and then that is it.

Okay, if I show you
this, I'm swearing you

to double-best-friend
secrecy, all right?

I've never shown
anyone this tape.

- Yeah, yeah, oh, for sure.
- Yeah, big time.

Yeah, of course, yeah.

Wait, you made this?

Is that your phone number?

No, it's his social
security number.

No, it's my social
security number.

He forgot how to
put the hyphens.

I couldn't figure out how
to put the hyphens in.

See the correlation between...

He's a tough, stubborn old man.

Come on.

It's...

How long is this?

Exactly the length of
"The Parent Trap II,"

- which I taped over.
- You're serious.

Okay, no, I'm out of here.

I need answers.

Look elsewhere, dude.

No, you guys go ahead.

I'm just gonna stick
around and finish this up.

Oh, look at what... he's
tickling a dog's belly.

What's he tickling that dog for?

Oh, now it's a little
guy pulling Taffy.

Smarties? Airheads? Nerds?

Maurice, got a fresh
shipment of Rolos in, Dawg.

Come on, man.

- Want some Smarties?
- We don't buy from you anymore.

Yeah, who do you
buy from, Bryce?

Do I look like a snitch?

Yeah, dude, you look
exactly like a snitch.

What?

Got some Nerds, nerd
Ropes, whatever you need.

You have to watch this, man.

There is some real
genius on here.

It's like sexual jazz.

Fairbell tape? What are
you talking about?

- It's ridiculous.
- Shh, no, no, no.

Oh, ugh, your fingers
are so salty.

If you watch it in
small segments,

but if you give yourself
to the whole thing.

I haven't felt so alive...
what is this?

The touch. The feel.

Yeah, it's cotton... the
fabric of our lives.

You're freaking me out, dude.

You're spitting
all over my face.

Get out of here.

No, look... just trust me

and just watch the video, okay?

It's the most freaky, pansexual
shit I've ever seen.

There was a-a-a crocodile
w-with a bird in its mouth.

And then I realized that's...

that's how you take down the PTA...
from the inside.

- PTA?
- Please, just watch it.

Ugh.

Ugh!

Hey, Kyle, where'd you
get that chocolate from?

Oh, no, no!

Move! Move! Move! Move!

So dope. Did you guys see that?!

I got your junkie ass now, Kyle.

Leslie Bronn.

- I should have known.
- Loren Payton.

How are things on the
Iberian peninsula?

Actually pretty good.

I mean, the euro's
kicking butt over there,

and they're enjoying a kind
of culinary revolution,

but let's cut the crap!

You're moving in
on my territory,

and that's an act of war.

Kids, take an 80-second break.

Yeah, clear the sweatshop, kids.

Selling Costco candy
from a locker

like some sort of street punk?

You're gonna get caught.

Oh, and you're not
gonna get caught?

- Look at this.
- Yeah, well, I have tenure, dipshit.

I could kill a kid
and not get fired.

All right, let's just
divide our territory, okay?

Why do you got to push
somebody else's product

when you were brilliant
at baking your own?

That was a long time ago.

Was I a gifted baker
in high school?

Sure... so what?

You were the most gifted
student I ever had.

You were a master... a master
baker, and so prolific.

You master-baked everywhere.

You master-baked here. You
master-baked at home.

I was a teenager. I
master-baked a lot.

- What's your point?
- Money!

If you and I stopped competing,
we could make a killing.

- Work with you?
- Yeah.

Have you seen the garbage
product you're churning out?

Look at this... how many
chocolate chips are there? Two.

- Yeah.
- How about here? Eight.

There's no consistency.
It's a disgrace.

I cannot work with this
kind of garbage product.

And you shouldn't.

You see, this... this
is the fire you had

when you created that
legendary rock candy.

- You remember that?
- Yes, I remember that.

Every kid craved it.

Yeah, 'cause it came
from the heart.

I had that ill product.

It wasn't for the
marks or busters.

It was just for my homies.

Can you dig deep again, Loren?

Can you find the passion

to one more time bake
that rock candy?

- I don't know.
- We could make a fortune.

It's been so long since
I've put on that apron.

You mean... This one?

You retired my apron.

Well, it's more like I
haven't cleaned the room

in a really long time,
but, yeah, sure.

- God.
- Uh-huh.

Come on, try it on.

- Okay, all right, just one.
- Come on. Come on.

- See how it feels.
- Oh, my god, Leslie.

- Yeah, how does it feel, huh?
- I can't believe...

- it feels really good.
- It still fits.

And Eminem still rules.

You think you could do it again?

I think I could do it.

Okay.

Time to master-bake.

You're so right.

But first, let me go
jerk off real quick.

It always helps me focus.

All right, whatever you need.

- What are you doing?!
- I'm sorry.

I just... I-I-I saw this tape
that Fairbell had earlier,

and it's just really
opened me up sexually.

Gross, I don't want to hear
about Fairbell's porno tape.

Oh, no, this is not porno.

I-it's animals and stuff.

There... there... there
was like a crocodile.

Uh-huh.

Yeah, and then a bird flew...

okay, listen, to beat the PTA,

you have to go out there
and get them to trust you.

Wait, that's your plan?

- I go to a meeting?
- Go easy on me.

I've had an erection
tucked into my belt buckle

for the past two hours.

- Gross.
- Oh, look at that.

After we get the candy back,

I don't think that we
should hang out anymore.

Go out that door,
go in the back,

make them love you.

Then we'll take them
down from the inside.

Oh, my...

Phase one of our
health initiative...

to eliminate the vending
machines from the school...

has been super successful.

But there is a bit
of bummer news.

Turns out one of the
teachers at our school

is not in harmony
with our vision,

so they will need
to be dealt with.

Is it her?

I'll slash her tires.

Oh, no, I'm not a teacher.

I-I'm abbey, the
school librarian.

I just came here to tell you

how thrilling it is
to have such great,

health-conscious
moms here at Smoot.

So, you're not friends
with Billy Shoemaker?

Uh... God, no.

Nobody here is friends
with Billy Shoemaker.

He's like a complete joke.
Everyone knows that.

And?

And, uh, people say
he's a rage addict

and, uh, absentee father.

And?

And... His tattoos are stupid?

Okay, my tattoos are not stupid.

- Speak of the devil.
- You know what, Gwen?

Don't speak 'cause I know
just what you're thinking.

Billy, you're acting
like an asshole

- Get out!
- No, I will not go

'cause I will not stand
for this gestapo bullshit

Are you being serious right now?
I can't tell.

Well, I can't stand you!

Okay, did you just wink?

I can't tell because you hit
me, and then you winked.

- No, that was a wink.
- Are we really still a team?

- Yeah.
- Okay. Okay.

Well, then, fine! I'll leave!

You should probably
not hit people

when you're giving
them a signal.

It's very misleading.

And I'll let you all get back

to meddling in your
children's lives,

forsaking those wastelands
you call vaginas.

Yeah, I said it.

But me... yeah, I've
seen the Fairbell tape,

and I watched a grizzly bear
eat an entire salmon whole.

And I know that eroticism
is all around us,

but you're all too blinded

by your mummified
sexualities to ever see it.

And for that, I pity you!

How dare you shame these women

for caring for their children?!

Get out!

Okay, I should go.

- What?
- You were so...

Oh, hey, man, I'll
take a medium...

Whoa. What the hell was that?

Ahh!

Abbey! Abbey! Abbey!

Whoo!

Abbey! Abbey! Abbey! Abbey!

Hey! Hey!

You owe me $19.95

for this Ross young
executive dress shirt.

I'm sorry about that,
but it worked!

These women love me now!

It's what you wanted.

These women are
making my life hell,

and you're in too deep.

- Sorry.
- Will you stop doing that?!

Sorry, I'm lightheaded
from Bikram yoga.

Bikram yoga? Listen to yourself.

Are you with me, or
are you with them?

I'm with you.

And I'm almost ready
to make my move.

Abbey, just as I suspected...
fraternizing with the enemy.

Oh, god, we're busted.

I know exactly what to do.

You caught us, Gwen.

We're conspiring to get our
vending machines back.

That plan sucks. You just
told her everything.

I can hear you whispering.

And, uh, about those
vending machines...

you're never getting them back.

Oh, I can't wait to tell the
girls what a turncoat you are.

Well, they'll never believe you.

Those women love me now.

In fact, I'm giving
Connie one of my eggs.

That bitch wouldn't
take my eggs.

Face it, Gwen, your reign
of terror is over...

Unless you want to cut a deal.

What could you possibly
have that I want?

The one thing that your
frigid little coven needs.

Those women are
sexually starving.

They need something to
really blow their minds.

What if I told you
that we have a ta...

- the Fairbell tape.
- Oh, my god!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, the
one that I was talking about

in the meeting with the
grizzly eating the salmon.

It's been blowing
minds everywhere.

What the hell? I was
leading up to it.

The Fairbell tape is real?

Oh, yeah, yeah, and it'll pop

your clit like a
Chinese firecracker.

Seriously, what is
wrong with you?

What?

So, the tape for the machines?

Deal.

- Good.
- Yes, you won't regret it.

It'll bust your
Boston baked bean...

- I said, "deal"!
- She said, "deal"!

Oh, hey, Rod, I left a tape
in here the other day.

You mind if I run in and
grab it real quick?

Party's over, everybody.

Fairbell wants his tape back.

You've been showing my tape?

That was private. I
made that just for me.

It's a secret.

The secret's out, Fairbell.

That was some next-level shit

You opened me up like a
Russian nesting doll.

- Whew!
- What happened?

We ran that thing
pretty roughshod.

I mean, it's got maybe
one, two views left.

Hey, look at the
bright side, though.

At least I got to
masturbate to it.

I heard that!

Oh, my special.

I'll find a radio shack.

- I'll fix us.
- There's the tape right there.

- That's the tape.
- And he's talking to it.

Yeah, okay.

I'll handle this.

Just...

Hey, Fairbell.

Hey, Bud, why don't you just
give the tape over to Abbey...

no, it's mine!

Hey, you have a chance to be
a real leader here, okay?

Everybody at this school...

they think of you as a geni...

I'll get through this.
I promise. I will.

Okay, you listen to me,
you little shit stain.

- Hand over that tape...
- No, no, no.

Or I will pry it from
your tiny lady hands.

No, no, it's mine.

It's mine, no.

I'm not gonna lie to you guys.

I am too old to be
master-baking all day.

I mean, I used to be able to
master-bake for like four

or five hours straight, but
now I just get exhausted.

I didn't know you could
get goose bumps there.

No, no, no!

Goodbye, old friend.

What do you guys want to do now?

No, thank you.

That is my belt.

Hey, I'm ticklish inside there.

Stop, stop, no.

Help!

- Hey.
- Ah, today is a good day.

Yeah.

Not for me, though.

What are you doing
out of the kitchen?

We have no more product.
It's all sold out.

Get down there.

I'm done cooking,
Leslie, all right?

I'm a Spanish
teacher, not a Baker.

- Oh, really?
- Yeah.

Well, then I'm gonna
need the apron back.

Well, then I'm gonna need
to know where my pants are.

Well, that sounds like
less of a Leslie problem,

more of a Loren problem.

Come on. Hand it over.

It was my apron to begin with.

Waste of talent.

- Ohh.
- Jesus

I told you... the
five minutes are up.

I tried lady sex. I
do not care for it.

No!

- So worth it.
- Mm.

ENJOY!!!! Do not
miss this tomorrow!