This Fool (2022–…): Season 1, Episode 9 - F*ck the Rich - full transcript
Ugh, don't start, please.
Too early in the morning for that.
Why are you in such a good mood anyway?
'Cause I'm about to graduate.
This is my last delivery.
Guess I'm gonna have to
find a new jale after this.
I can't believe I'm actually gonna
miss your annoying ass around here.
Oh, yeah?
Nope. Bitch-ass parasite.
Fuckity... fuck you, homey.
Just hold those.
Hurry up.
Whoa!
God... damn!
Shit. Sorry, guys.
Uh, my alarm didn't go off.
You're sleeping in the cupcake van?
Yeah, just the last couple of weeks.
Hey, g... Give me a minute.
Let me get decent.
Yeah, yeah. Take your time.
Thank you.
Can you believe that shit?
Fuck, no. That verga was massive.
Shit was like a machete
you cut down trees with.
I'm worried about that fool.
I think he has elephantiasis.
That didn't look natural.
You think he got
dick enlargement surgery?
- With what money?
- He's sleeping in the van.
Well, maybe that's where
he spent all his feria.
That's a good point.
Man, you think you know a guy.
Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.
It's been a rough couple of months.
The oven's been acting up,
we couldn't fulfill a few orders,
that created a cash flow problem.
So I've been sinking
my own money into the place,
and my ex-wife evicted me.
I'm sorry you had to find out
this way, Julio.
Lord knows I've tried
to shelter you from the truth.
- No, you haven't.
- You constantly complain about money,
and my paychecks are always late.
Luckily, I learned
it takes like four months
before the phone company realizes
that you aren't paying any bills.
I'm a little worried
about the electricity,
but so far those fuckers
haven't turned us off yet.
And now we're out of soap!
I can't even take a whore's bath.
Pass me some paper towels, please.
Well, what about our
big donor Stan what's-his-name?
No, I don't want that prick's money.
We got into a big fight
about his bullshit new stadium
in Inglewood
and how it's displacing
working-class people.
So he pulled the funding.
Payne, why'd you piss that fool off?
He's been donating to us for years.
All billionaires are pigs, Julio.
I'm tired of begging for their scraps.
Jesus, Payne, I get that you don't like
groveling to the rich,
but you run a nonprofit.
Suck it up and learn
how to fuckin' tap dance.
Happy?
What about this one? It's got a balcony.
Great. I can jump off of it
when I lose my job
and I can't pay my half of the rent.
- Dude, shut up.
- It's not that expensive.
There's a $500 pet deposit.
You think Roger's worth that much?
Roger, are you worth $500?
Please don't make that voice.
- Wait. Shut up, shut up.
- Shut up.
I wanna watch this.
My law firm represents this douche.
Richard Rowell,
scion of the controversial Rowell family,
inherited billions of dollars
from his parents
who made their fortune
through owning for-profit prisons.
Richard has been charged with
a number of DUIs over the years,
but always escaped legal consequences
until recently.
I remember where I was
when my lawyer first told me
that he got me off scot-free
off of my seventh DUI.
I was in my jacuzzi,
you know, jets on blast.
And I thought,
"Something doesn't feel right."
So I shut off the jets
and I felt much better.
And then I thought,
"You know what else doesn't feel right?"
What my lawyer is saying.
So I told him.
"No. I belong in jail."
So that's when I decided to lock myself up
in one of my parents' prisons.
No mames. These fools make me sick.
We over bill him all the time,
but he has so much money
he never even notices.
I was in prison for a month,
but it was a 31-day month,
and every day is like a week
when you're doing hard time.
So really it was 31 weeks,
which is almost a year.
God. Yeah, and I mean, it was
less time than what Mandela did,
but it was more time
than what Shia LaBeouf did.
Oh, come on.
We have an enormous problem
with mass incarceration in this country.
Okay, in our foundation,
what we wanna do is
we wanna take a stand
because we feel privileged
to be privileged enough
to help the least privileged members
of our society.
Hey, bet these guilty rich fucks
would donate to Hugs Not Thugs.
Yeah, they probably would.
I could put you guys in touch.
My boss is tight with his publicist.
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.
That'd be great.
Payne's really losing it.
I gotta step up
and show that fool how it's done.
I'm gonna make this happen for you.
Thanks, boss. That'd be dope.
I don't know what else to put.
What was your last job?
Well, I babysit my nephews, you know,
and I helped my tía
and my grandma around the house.
Put "childcare and hospitality."
Hey, but what do I put for special skills?
What can you do?
Yeah.
Just put Microsoft Word.
Minister Payne.
You know those billionaires
I was telling you about?
They wanna come by and get a tour
and see what we're all about.
Oh, hell, yeah, my boy!
I never met billionaires before.
I got a lot of questions for those fools.
Those fuckers are only coming
for the photo op.
They'll leave giving us
nothing more than pennies.
I'd rather focus
on increasing cupcake sales
or win a fucking scratch-off
for once in my life.
Payne, stop being a little bitch.
Look, I'll do all the work.
All you have to do is
show up, smile, and look pretty.
Fine. I'll fuckin' do it.
So let's get you
some new clothes, and an iron.
It's good if I look like shit.
We're supposed to look like we need money.
Yeah, but not that bad.
Crease your fuckin' pants, playboy.
You look like a fuckin' bum.
I am a fuckin' bum. I live in a van.
You will not fuckin' beat box
for those billionaires.
Luis, come on, take that banner down.
We can't make it seem like
it's all about the money.
Hey, well, what if we just cross off
everything after "Bill"?
That could work. Because, you know,
Bill's short for Richard.
No, stupid. Bill's short for William.
The short form of Richard is Dick.
Well, there ain't nothing short
about Payne's Richard.
Honestly, I think I got PTSD
from seeing that thing.
Okay, Julio, here I am,
ready to be the smiling face
of the organization.
- Dawg, come on.
- Your shirt has fuckin' holes in it.
Fabian, give Payne your shirt.
It's my best shirt.
Yeah, Julio, it's his best shirt.
Stop fuckin' around
and give him the shirt.
Oh, shit, ghetto bird!
Alright, everyone, the future
of Hugs Not Thugs depends on today.
So act reformed, but we need their money,
so not too reformed.
Hey, you ready to kiss some ass?
Hey, everyone, please meet
Richard and Rhonda Rowell.
It's through the generosity
of people like you
that a place like this is able to survive.
Aw. Well, thank you for having us.
I mean, we are just so happy to be here.
Yeah, I've had a small taste
of what everyone here has been through.
So I feel great empathy for your pain.
- Whoa!
- Dominic, no, no need for that today.
That's okay. They're reformed.
Harmless now.
Hello. I'm Luis Hernandez,
future entrepreneur.
- Well, alright!
- Nice to meet you.
Luis is a shining example
of our program.
Hey, but on the real though,
how'd you guys come up on all that money?
Luis, our resident joker.
It's okay. I don't mind him asking.
I inherited all my money from my parents.
Damn. That's smart.
Let me introduce you
to our fearless leader,
Minister Leonard Payne.
He really gives everything
he has to the program.
No matter how frustrating
a situation might be,
he selflessly does
what he's supposed to do
for the greater good.
Always.
Nice to meet you both.
- Oh, come here.
- Oh, nice to meet you. What?
- You're a great man.
- Hmm.
We read all about you
on the helicopter ride over.
- An angel in human form.
- That's what we're looking at.
Mm-hmm.
- We should do some photos.
- Oh, let's get some photos.
Smile.
Hey, let's take a tour.
This is our computer lab.
We make do with what we have.
But the truth is, we have more applicants
than we can service at this facility.
And as you can see,
we're sorely in need of new technology.
Damn, these outdated computers
just won't load.
Wish we weren't working on Windows 95.
If only I had a new job,
I would be able to get a computer
and then I would get a new job.
And I would never go back to prison.
Before Hugs Not Thugs,
I didn't even have what computers were.
We need computers for the Internet.
Uh, you know, with Internet and computers,
we could connect more
and you could follow me.
Thugs Not Hugs is a great place.
But we need money
from kind rich white people.
No, no, I'm sorry,
all people are the same.
I'm not racist for computers.
Computers is the future and we need
some new computers 'cause these are,
you know, they're no good.
Recidivism. Thank you.
- Bravo.
- Oh! Great.
On with the tour.
These pieces are done
by our huggers in their art therapy class.
Absolutely amazing work.
Oh, my God.
I love this one of the crying peasant.
That one's cool, I guess.
But have you seen this one?
It's a Luis Hernandez original.
Well, you are very good at drawing, Luis.
- Seems like a wonderful young lady.
- Mm-hmm.
Yeah, she's nice.
- Hey, hey, hey!
- Cool it with the fuckin' flash.
Gonna give me a seizure.
Uh, Luis, why don't you show our guests
our tattoo removal center?
Ooh!
- Right this way.
- Okay.
Hey, so I hear you guys own an island.
Maybe I could be your cabana boy,
but not in a weird way.
Get your fuckin' head in the game.
We're gonna get that money.
Now do what you do best
and be empathetic as fuck.
Tell me you're gonna give 'em
that Minister Payne magic.
I'm gonna give them
that Minister Payne magic.
Damn right.
...and by the time I got parole,
I had missed so much.
I was a grandmother.
This place has helped me
get back on track.
But I've had to accept
that my daughter'd never forgive me
for all those years I was away.
Thank you for sharing, Kim.
Would anyone else like to share
in our circle of trust?
Um, how about you, Richard?
I-I know you served time as well.
No, I was only in prison for a month.
I know it doesn't compare
to what you've all been through.
- Oh, that's a really good point.
- Hold up, Minister Payne.
Aren't you the one that's always saying
all trauma is valid?
I do say that, don't I?
Yeah, and, uh, and while it's true
that Richard's had a very different life
than the rest of us, um,
I'm sure he's experienced
his own unique version of trauma.
So, please tell us,
what was it like growing up
the child of some of
the wealthiest people on Earth?
Well, I...
I, uh, felt a sense of... guilt.
You know, like I didn't deserve
the extreme privilege
that I was born into.
It's very brave of you to say that.
Yeah, my parents owned a lot of prisons.
Many of you probably served time
in one of my parents' prisons,
but that's neither here nor there.
Anyway, they were so busy
keeping inmates in check
that they basically just let me run wild.
The world was my playground.
You know, I just got away with everything.
So deep down,
I feel like maybe
I deserved to be punished.
- Aw.
- Ah, man, come on.
Mm.
I'd say it sounds like
you've been punished enough.
I mean, kids need boundaries,
clearly, you had none.
I mean, I-I did have a trust fund
and an international passport...
But you didn't know love,
and you certainly didn't know consequence.
Some people here had no parents,
had no money,
but I don't think anybody
would want to trade places with you.
Wow!
- You mean that?
- Yes.
You are a victim, Richard.
You deserve love as much as anybody.
Life just isn't fair, you know.
You know, they call us huggers
for a reason.
Come on, everyone.
- You deserve it.
- That's so nice. Thank you.
Come on, spread the love with hugs.
Mm.
And smile. Everyone, everyone, smile.
Payne?
Smile.
And first we have a baby spinach salad
with grilled smoked peaches.
Then for the main course, we have
Wagyu beef with a seared foie gras.
I ain't gonna fuck around, goddamn it.
I'm salivating just thinking about
all this scrumptious-ass food.
Y'all lucky I don't eat all this shit
my goddamn myself.
Now please, enjoy the bounty of my labor.
- Thank you.
- Thank you. Looks delicious.
- Well, all that crying has me famished.
- Oh.
If you don't mind, just help me out here.
Is this a salad fork or a dinner fork?
I can never tell which is which.
- Yeah.
- Such a gas.
You know which fork it is.
Pardon me?
I said, you know
which fuckin' fork it is,
you billionaire Illuminati fuck.
You people know
all about fancy fuckin' forks
and fancy fuckin' spoons.
And I am sick to death
of sucking up to monsters like you!
We don't need
your fucking nickels and dimes.
We're doing just fine.
So fuck you and fuck the helicopter horse
you rode in on!
Fuckin' electric company!
I completely understand
if you don't want to stay for dinner.
Or donate any money at this point. Um...
Truth is, I've always had resentment
towards rich people.
I've never had any money.
The little money I do have,
I've sunk back into this place
and now I live in the van outside.
But the reason I do this is because
I really, really care about helping people
who have nobody at all to fight for them.
Literally, I would do anything
for the people in this program,
so you can hate me,
but, uh, these people
really need your help.
And I hope you can find it in your hearts
not to punish the huggers for my behavior.
Well, I mean, the truth is
we deserve to be yelled at.
You guys can't even keep the lights on
and we came here in a chopper.
I mean, nobody should
have a billion dollars.
It's just, it's-it's too much.
It's too much.
I don't even know how many zeros
are in a billion.
- No.
- Right?
- No.
- A billion is like the opposite of zero.
So when you think about it, really,
there shouldn't be any zeros in it at all.
Well, I just want to tell you
I'm sorry for what I said.
No, don't you dare be sorry.
We need to hear this stuff.
We wanna hear from all of you,
what you hate about us.
- It's-it's good for us.
- Yes.
- Let's-let's go.
- Come on.
Julio, do you have anything to say?
And, please, just let us have it.
Well, um,
I think you guys are nice.
Um, but I do kinda
hate everything you represent.
- Great. That's great.
- I've heard that before.
That is really great.
Luis, I mean, you must despise us.
Please don't hold back.
Hell, no, I ain't a fuckin' hater.
I'll never pocket watch.
- On the real, you fools are my idols.
- Aw.
Hey, maybe after I
cabana boy for you for a while,
we can become close friends.
Well, that sounds alright to me,
Luis Hernandez.
Okay.
Thankfully, the gas company
hasn't caught on to us yet.
So dinner is still served.
Oh, look at it. This looks divine!
- Ooh.
- Hope I got the right fork.
So I told him,
"Why don't you take your stadium
"and shove it where the sun don't shine?
I'm sure it's gonna fit
'cause you're such a gaping asshole."
Wow.
You can't say that to a person!
Um, you know, speaking of people
with too much money,
uh, how about we get down to brass tacks?
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Um, how much money
do you think you need
to keep this wonderful place afloat?
Oh!
A million dollars.
A million dollars?
I mean, I was thinking
more like ten million.
Ten million?
I don't know how much this all costs,
but it's gotta be a lot, right?
You know what?
Why do we make it an even 15, gumdrop?
Fifteen million dollars.
And for dessert, our famous cupcakes
made by our very own huggers.
- Oh-oh.
- Enjoy.
- Yay!
- Chef.
Oh my!
I don't have my glasses. What does it say?
Oh, it says "Hugs Not Thugs."
- "Hugs Not Thugs."
- "Hugs Not Thugs."
- Alright.
- Mm.
- Hmm. I like that.
- Let's do it.
Everybody, wave to the camera.
Everybody wave.
Great. And that's enough.
Alright. That's enough. That's enough.
You can both go. Thank you so much.
Wait in the chopper.
Wow, I-I just don't know what to say.
Um, thank you so much for your generosity.
I was wrong about you two.
Wait, we haven't given you
the money yet.
You know, some people consider sweets
a guilty pleasure,
and we don't often indulge in dessert.
But my hubby and I,
we have a guilty pleasure of our own.
So, I mean, did you want to start
telling them about our little thing?
Yes, I do, Richard.
- Alright, let's go for it.
- Okay, great. Great.
- Alright, here we go.
- Okay.
So...
I like it when he watches me
have sex with poor people.
I, um... I love it.
Mm.
We've just recently realized
this is our little kink
'cause he needs to be punished
for his wealth.
- Don't you, Richard? Yeah?
- Yes, I do.
Um, you see, she's the mommy,
one of you is the daddy,
and I'm the naughty little boy
who needs to be punished.
- Mm-hmm.
- Are you fools for real?
- Of course.
- 100%.
Now, the only thing left to decide
is which of you peasants
is gonna have sex with me.
I fuckin' knew it.
- Hey, pick me. I'm poor as fuck.
- Hmm.
I don't even have a bank account.
And my bed is actually a couch
in my tía's house.
No. You can't do this to us!
Okay, just get it over with,
you fuckin' psychos.
Which one of us do you want?
Trust me, alright?
I might be short,
but I got a lot of energy.
It's gonna be a good time.
Wow. Honey, honey, honey, honey.
It is a spoil of poor people riches.
- How will we ever choose?
- I know how, Mommy.
- Can I?
- Yes, you can, little Richie.
Okay.
Icka, bicka, soda cracker.
- I love that.
- Icka, bicka, boo.
Icka, bicka, soda cracker,
I choose y...
One potato, two potato,
three potato, four,
five potato, six potato, seven potato.
And will you excuse me, sir?
Excuse me.
I want to choose
you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you,
you, you, you, you, you,
you, you, you, you.
Duck.
Duck.
Duck.
- Duck, duck.
- Oh. Hmm.
Duck.
Duck.
- This is fun.
- Mm-hmm.
Duck.
Duck. Duck.
Duck, duck.
Di-daddy-dee-goo-gooey.
Do... Goose.
Damn!
I could have been a high-end prostitute.
I just love how you
stood up to us earlier, Minister Payne.
I mean, it takes a lot of dignity
to confront the rich.
And I find that dignity
is the only thing that poor people have.
So I'm gonna fuck it right outta you.
I have a good idea, Mommy.
I think we should do it
in that van that he lives in.
Oh, the gross van.
Oh. Oh, yeah. So dirty. So dirty.
I'm gonna go freshen up.
Payne.
Payne!
Fuck these fools!
You don't have to do this.
Thank you for saying that, Julio,
but this organization
is very important to me,
and it's my job to do whatever it takes
to keep it going.
No, fuck that!
Julio, it's okay.
Hand me some paper towels.
Here.
Thank you, Julio.
Damn, Dr. Payne,
you're a fuckin' G today!
I'm jealous, homey. Rhonda's fine as fuck.
Thank you, Luis.
Now, if you will, a beat, please.
Yeah.
Fuck. I can't believe
he's gonna go through with it.
- Hope he's okay.
- Who, Minister Payne?
With that big-ass camote?
He'll be fine.
It's Rhonda I'm worried about.
She's a nice lady, you know.
And after this, she's not
gonna be able to walk anymore.
Payne's about to Million Dollar Baby
that billion-dollar pussy, my boy.
Did we get the computers?
Yeah. Carlos, thanks to you,
we're about to get a lot of new computers.
Yes!
Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.
Too early in the morning for that.
Why are you in such a good mood anyway?
'Cause I'm about to graduate.
This is my last delivery.
Guess I'm gonna have to
find a new jale after this.
I can't believe I'm actually gonna
miss your annoying ass around here.
Oh, yeah?
Nope. Bitch-ass parasite.
Fuckity... fuck you, homey.
Just hold those.
Hurry up.
Whoa!
God... damn!
Shit. Sorry, guys.
Uh, my alarm didn't go off.
You're sleeping in the cupcake van?
Yeah, just the last couple of weeks.
Hey, g... Give me a minute.
Let me get decent.
Yeah, yeah. Take your time.
Thank you.
Can you believe that shit?
Fuck, no. That verga was massive.
Shit was like a machete
you cut down trees with.
I'm worried about that fool.
I think he has elephantiasis.
That didn't look natural.
You think he got
dick enlargement surgery?
- With what money?
- He's sleeping in the van.
Well, maybe that's where
he spent all his feria.
That's a good point.
Man, you think you know a guy.
Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.
It's been a rough couple of months.
The oven's been acting up,
we couldn't fulfill a few orders,
that created a cash flow problem.
So I've been sinking
my own money into the place,
and my ex-wife evicted me.
I'm sorry you had to find out
this way, Julio.
Lord knows I've tried
to shelter you from the truth.
- No, you haven't.
- You constantly complain about money,
and my paychecks are always late.
Luckily, I learned
it takes like four months
before the phone company realizes
that you aren't paying any bills.
I'm a little worried
about the electricity,
but so far those fuckers
haven't turned us off yet.
And now we're out of soap!
I can't even take a whore's bath.
Pass me some paper towels, please.
Well, what about our
big donor Stan what's-his-name?
No, I don't want that prick's money.
We got into a big fight
about his bullshit new stadium
in Inglewood
and how it's displacing
working-class people.
So he pulled the funding.
Payne, why'd you piss that fool off?
He's been donating to us for years.
All billionaires are pigs, Julio.
I'm tired of begging for their scraps.
Jesus, Payne, I get that you don't like
groveling to the rich,
but you run a nonprofit.
Suck it up and learn
how to fuckin' tap dance.
Happy?
What about this one? It's got a balcony.
Great. I can jump off of it
when I lose my job
and I can't pay my half of the rent.
- Dude, shut up.
- It's not that expensive.
There's a $500 pet deposit.
You think Roger's worth that much?
Roger, are you worth $500?
Please don't make that voice.
- Wait. Shut up, shut up.
- Shut up.
I wanna watch this.
My law firm represents this douche.
Richard Rowell,
scion of the controversial Rowell family,
inherited billions of dollars
from his parents
who made their fortune
through owning for-profit prisons.
Richard has been charged with
a number of DUIs over the years,
but always escaped legal consequences
until recently.
I remember where I was
when my lawyer first told me
that he got me off scot-free
off of my seventh DUI.
I was in my jacuzzi,
you know, jets on blast.
And I thought,
"Something doesn't feel right."
So I shut off the jets
and I felt much better.
And then I thought,
"You know what else doesn't feel right?"
What my lawyer is saying.
So I told him.
"No. I belong in jail."
So that's when I decided to lock myself up
in one of my parents' prisons.
No mames. These fools make me sick.
We over bill him all the time,
but he has so much money
he never even notices.
I was in prison for a month,
but it was a 31-day month,
and every day is like a week
when you're doing hard time.
So really it was 31 weeks,
which is almost a year.
God. Yeah, and I mean, it was
less time than what Mandela did,
but it was more time
than what Shia LaBeouf did.
Oh, come on.
We have an enormous problem
with mass incarceration in this country.
Okay, in our foundation,
what we wanna do is
we wanna take a stand
because we feel privileged
to be privileged enough
to help the least privileged members
of our society.
Hey, bet these guilty rich fucks
would donate to Hugs Not Thugs.
Yeah, they probably would.
I could put you guys in touch.
My boss is tight with his publicist.
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.
That'd be great.
Payne's really losing it.
I gotta step up
and show that fool how it's done.
I'm gonna make this happen for you.
Thanks, boss. That'd be dope.
I don't know what else to put.
What was your last job?
Well, I babysit my nephews, you know,
and I helped my tía
and my grandma around the house.
Put "childcare and hospitality."
Hey, but what do I put for special skills?
What can you do?
Yeah.
Just put Microsoft Word.
Minister Payne.
You know those billionaires
I was telling you about?
They wanna come by and get a tour
and see what we're all about.
Oh, hell, yeah, my boy!
I never met billionaires before.
I got a lot of questions for those fools.
Those fuckers are only coming
for the photo op.
They'll leave giving us
nothing more than pennies.
I'd rather focus
on increasing cupcake sales
or win a fucking scratch-off
for once in my life.
Payne, stop being a little bitch.
Look, I'll do all the work.
All you have to do is
show up, smile, and look pretty.
Fine. I'll fuckin' do it.
So let's get you
some new clothes, and an iron.
It's good if I look like shit.
We're supposed to look like we need money.
Yeah, but not that bad.
Crease your fuckin' pants, playboy.
You look like a fuckin' bum.
I am a fuckin' bum. I live in a van.
You will not fuckin' beat box
for those billionaires.
Luis, come on, take that banner down.
We can't make it seem like
it's all about the money.
Hey, well, what if we just cross off
everything after "Bill"?
That could work. Because, you know,
Bill's short for Richard.
No, stupid. Bill's short for William.
The short form of Richard is Dick.
Well, there ain't nothing short
about Payne's Richard.
Honestly, I think I got PTSD
from seeing that thing.
Okay, Julio, here I am,
ready to be the smiling face
of the organization.
- Dawg, come on.
- Your shirt has fuckin' holes in it.
Fabian, give Payne your shirt.
It's my best shirt.
Yeah, Julio, it's his best shirt.
Stop fuckin' around
and give him the shirt.
Oh, shit, ghetto bird!
Alright, everyone, the future
of Hugs Not Thugs depends on today.
So act reformed, but we need their money,
so not too reformed.
Hey, you ready to kiss some ass?
Hey, everyone, please meet
Richard and Rhonda Rowell.
It's through the generosity
of people like you
that a place like this is able to survive.
Aw. Well, thank you for having us.
I mean, we are just so happy to be here.
Yeah, I've had a small taste
of what everyone here has been through.
So I feel great empathy for your pain.
- Whoa!
- Dominic, no, no need for that today.
That's okay. They're reformed.
Harmless now.
Hello. I'm Luis Hernandez,
future entrepreneur.
- Well, alright!
- Nice to meet you.
Luis is a shining example
of our program.
Hey, but on the real though,
how'd you guys come up on all that money?
Luis, our resident joker.
It's okay. I don't mind him asking.
I inherited all my money from my parents.
Damn. That's smart.
Let me introduce you
to our fearless leader,
Minister Leonard Payne.
He really gives everything
he has to the program.
No matter how frustrating
a situation might be,
he selflessly does
what he's supposed to do
for the greater good.
Always.
Nice to meet you both.
- Oh, come here.
- Oh, nice to meet you. What?
- You're a great man.
- Hmm.
We read all about you
on the helicopter ride over.
- An angel in human form.
- That's what we're looking at.
Mm-hmm.
- We should do some photos.
- Oh, let's get some photos.
Smile.
Hey, let's take a tour.
This is our computer lab.
We make do with what we have.
But the truth is, we have more applicants
than we can service at this facility.
And as you can see,
we're sorely in need of new technology.
Damn, these outdated computers
just won't load.
Wish we weren't working on Windows 95.
If only I had a new job,
I would be able to get a computer
and then I would get a new job.
And I would never go back to prison.
Before Hugs Not Thugs,
I didn't even have what computers were.
We need computers for the Internet.
Uh, you know, with Internet and computers,
we could connect more
and you could follow me.
Thugs Not Hugs is a great place.
But we need money
from kind rich white people.
No, no, I'm sorry,
all people are the same.
I'm not racist for computers.
Computers is the future and we need
some new computers 'cause these are,
you know, they're no good.
Recidivism. Thank you.
- Bravo.
- Oh! Great.
On with the tour.
These pieces are done
by our huggers in their art therapy class.
Absolutely amazing work.
Oh, my God.
I love this one of the crying peasant.
That one's cool, I guess.
But have you seen this one?
It's a Luis Hernandez original.
Well, you are very good at drawing, Luis.
- Seems like a wonderful young lady.
- Mm-hmm.
Yeah, she's nice.
- Hey, hey, hey!
- Cool it with the fuckin' flash.
Gonna give me a seizure.
Uh, Luis, why don't you show our guests
our tattoo removal center?
Ooh!
- Right this way.
- Okay.
Hey, so I hear you guys own an island.
Maybe I could be your cabana boy,
but not in a weird way.
Get your fuckin' head in the game.
We're gonna get that money.
Now do what you do best
and be empathetic as fuck.
Tell me you're gonna give 'em
that Minister Payne magic.
I'm gonna give them
that Minister Payne magic.
Damn right.
...and by the time I got parole,
I had missed so much.
I was a grandmother.
This place has helped me
get back on track.
But I've had to accept
that my daughter'd never forgive me
for all those years I was away.
Thank you for sharing, Kim.
Would anyone else like to share
in our circle of trust?
Um, how about you, Richard?
I-I know you served time as well.
No, I was only in prison for a month.
I know it doesn't compare
to what you've all been through.
- Oh, that's a really good point.
- Hold up, Minister Payne.
Aren't you the one that's always saying
all trauma is valid?
I do say that, don't I?
Yeah, and, uh, and while it's true
that Richard's had a very different life
than the rest of us, um,
I'm sure he's experienced
his own unique version of trauma.
So, please tell us,
what was it like growing up
the child of some of
the wealthiest people on Earth?
Well, I...
I, uh, felt a sense of... guilt.
You know, like I didn't deserve
the extreme privilege
that I was born into.
It's very brave of you to say that.
Yeah, my parents owned a lot of prisons.
Many of you probably served time
in one of my parents' prisons,
but that's neither here nor there.
Anyway, they were so busy
keeping inmates in check
that they basically just let me run wild.
The world was my playground.
You know, I just got away with everything.
So deep down,
I feel like maybe
I deserved to be punished.
- Aw.
- Ah, man, come on.
Mm.
I'd say it sounds like
you've been punished enough.
I mean, kids need boundaries,
clearly, you had none.
I mean, I-I did have a trust fund
and an international passport...
But you didn't know love,
and you certainly didn't know consequence.
Some people here had no parents,
had no money,
but I don't think anybody
would want to trade places with you.
Wow!
- You mean that?
- Yes.
You are a victim, Richard.
You deserve love as much as anybody.
Life just isn't fair, you know.
You know, they call us huggers
for a reason.
Come on, everyone.
- You deserve it.
- That's so nice. Thank you.
Come on, spread the love with hugs.
Mm.
And smile. Everyone, everyone, smile.
Payne?
Smile.
And first we have a baby spinach salad
with grilled smoked peaches.
Then for the main course, we have
Wagyu beef with a seared foie gras.
I ain't gonna fuck around, goddamn it.
I'm salivating just thinking about
all this scrumptious-ass food.
Y'all lucky I don't eat all this shit
my goddamn myself.
Now please, enjoy the bounty of my labor.
- Thank you.
- Thank you. Looks delicious.
- Well, all that crying has me famished.
- Oh.
If you don't mind, just help me out here.
Is this a salad fork or a dinner fork?
I can never tell which is which.
- Yeah.
- Such a gas.
You know which fork it is.
Pardon me?
I said, you know
which fuckin' fork it is,
you billionaire Illuminati fuck.
You people know
all about fancy fuckin' forks
and fancy fuckin' spoons.
And I am sick to death
of sucking up to monsters like you!
We don't need
your fucking nickels and dimes.
We're doing just fine.
So fuck you and fuck the helicopter horse
you rode in on!
Fuckin' electric company!
I completely understand
if you don't want to stay for dinner.
Or donate any money at this point. Um...
Truth is, I've always had resentment
towards rich people.
I've never had any money.
The little money I do have,
I've sunk back into this place
and now I live in the van outside.
But the reason I do this is because
I really, really care about helping people
who have nobody at all to fight for them.
Literally, I would do anything
for the people in this program,
so you can hate me,
but, uh, these people
really need your help.
And I hope you can find it in your hearts
not to punish the huggers for my behavior.
Well, I mean, the truth is
we deserve to be yelled at.
You guys can't even keep the lights on
and we came here in a chopper.
I mean, nobody should
have a billion dollars.
It's just, it's-it's too much.
It's too much.
I don't even know how many zeros
are in a billion.
- No.
- Right?
- No.
- A billion is like the opposite of zero.
So when you think about it, really,
there shouldn't be any zeros in it at all.
Well, I just want to tell you
I'm sorry for what I said.
No, don't you dare be sorry.
We need to hear this stuff.
We wanna hear from all of you,
what you hate about us.
- It's-it's good for us.
- Yes.
- Let's-let's go.
- Come on.
Julio, do you have anything to say?
And, please, just let us have it.
Well, um,
I think you guys are nice.
Um, but I do kinda
hate everything you represent.
- Great. That's great.
- I've heard that before.
That is really great.
Luis, I mean, you must despise us.
Please don't hold back.
Hell, no, I ain't a fuckin' hater.
I'll never pocket watch.
- On the real, you fools are my idols.
- Aw.
Hey, maybe after I
cabana boy for you for a while,
we can become close friends.
Well, that sounds alright to me,
Luis Hernandez.
Okay.
Thankfully, the gas company
hasn't caught on to us yet.
So dinner is still served.
Oh, look at it. This looks divine!
- Ooh.
- Hope I got the right fork.
So I told him,
"Why don't you take your stadium
"and shove it where the sun don't shine?
I'm sure it's gonna fit
'cause you're such a gaping asshole."
Wow.
You can't say that to a person!
Um, you know, speaking of people
with too much money,
uh, how about we get down to brass tacks?
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Um, how much money
do you think you need
to keep this wonderful place afloat?
Oh!
A million dollars.
A million dollars?
I mean, I was thinking
more like ten million.
Ten million?
I don't know how much this all costs,
but it's gotta be a lot, right?
You know what?
Why do we make it an even 15, gumdrop?
Fifteen million dollars.
And for dessert, our famous cupcakes
made by our very own huggers.
- Oh-oh.
- Enjoy.
- Yay!
- Chef.
Oh my!
I don't have my glasses. What does it say?
Oh, it says "Hugs Not Thugs."
- "Hugs Not Thugs."
- "Hugs Not Thugs."
- Alright.
- Mm.
- Hmm. I like that.
- Let's do it.
Everybody, wave to the camera.
Everybody wave.
Great. And that's enough.
Alright. That's enough. That's enough.
You can both go. Thank you so much.
Wait in the chopper.
Wow, I-I just don't know what to say.
Um, thank you so much for your generosity.
I was wrong about you two.
Wait, we haven't given you
the money yet.
You know, some people consider sweets
a guilty pleasure,
and we don't often indulge in dessert.
But my hubby and I,
we have a guilty pleasure of our own.
So, I mean, did you want to start
telling them about our little thing?
Yes, I do, Richard.
- Alright, let's go for it.
- Okay, great. Great.
- Alright, here we go.
- Okay.
So...
I like it when he watches me
have sex with poor people.
I, um... I love it.
Mm.
We've just recently realized
this is our little kink
'cause he needs to be punished
for his wealth.
- Don't you, Richard? Yeah?
- Yes, I do.
Um, you see, she's the mommy,
one of you is the daddy,
and I'm the naughty little boy
who needs to be punished.
- Mm-hmm.
- Are you fools for real?
- Of course.
- 100%.
Now, the only thing left to decide
is which of you peasants
is gonna have sex with me.
I fuckin' knew it.
- Hey, pick me. I'm poor as fuck.
- Hmm.
I don't even have a bank account.
And my bed is actually a couch
in my tía's house.
No. You can't do this to us!
Okay, just get it over with,
you fuckin' psychos.
Which one of us do you want?
Trust me, alright?
I might be short,
but I got a lot of energy.
It's gonna be a good time.
Wow. Honey, honey, honey, honey.
It is a spoil of poor people riches.
- How will we ever choose?
- I know how, Mommy.
- Can I?
- Yes, you can, little Richie.
Okay.
Icka, bicka, soda cracker.
- I love that.
- Icka, bicka, boo.
Icka, bicka, soda cracker,
I choose y...
One potato, two potato,
three potato, four,
five potato, six potato, seven potato.
And will you excuse me, sir?
Excuse me.
I want to choose
you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you,
you, you, you, you, you,
you, you, you, you.
Duck.
Duck.
Duck.
- Duck, duck.
- Oh. Hmm.
Duck.
Duck.
- This is fun.
- Mm-hmm.
Duck.
Duck. Duck.
Duck, duck.
Di-daddy-dee-goo-gooey.
Do... Goose.
Damn!
I could have been a high-end prostitute.
I just love how you
stood up to us earlier, Minister Payne.
I mean, it takes a lot of dignity
to confront the rich.
And I find that dignity
is the only thing that poor people have.
So I'm gonna fuck it right outta you.
I have a good idea, Mommy.
I think we should do it
in that van that he lives in.
Oh, the gross van.
Oh. Oh, yeah. So dirty. So dirty.
I'm gonna go freshen up.
Payne.
Payne!
Fuck these fools!
You don't have to do this.
Thank you for saying that, Julio,
but this organization
is very important to me,
and it's my job to do whatever it takes
to keep it going.
No, fuck that!
Julio, it's okay.
Hand me some paper towels.
Here.
Thank you, Julio.
Damn, Dr. Payne,
you're a fuckin' G today!
I'm jealous, homey. Rhonda's fine as fuck.
Thank you, Luis.
Now, if you will, a beat, please.
Yeah.
Fuck. I can't believe
he's gonna go through with it.
- Hope he's okay.
- Who, Minister Payne?
With that big-ass camote?
He'll be fine.
It's Rhonda I'm worried about.
She's a nice lady, you know.
And after this, she's not
gonna be able to walk anymore.
Payne's about to Million Dollar Baby
that billion-dollar pussy, my boy.
Did we get the computers?
Yeah. Carlos, thanks to you,
we're about to get a lot of new computers.
Yes!
Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.