The Yard (2011–…): Season 1, Episode 6 - Big Business - full transcript

Kid, you are on it.

Before the day is done, and I got
no idea--

On the fly. Here we go.

Everyone wants to look
good for their school photo.

It's like a snapshot of
who you were that year.

I mean, this is how you'll
be remembered for the rest

of your life.

- But it's nerve-racking, though,
because you have to pick

out just the right outfit.

And you have to keep
it clean all day. If you spill

something on it, there's no
time to go home and change.



God! Could you imagine having
your picture taken in an outfit

with a big stain on it?
That'd be a total disaster!

The two things you
need on picture day are clean

clothes and a good smile, but a
good smile is hard for kids

to fake-- They actually have to be
happy, and keeping kids happy

is part of my job.
It's hard, though, 'cause you gotta give

them what they want, and...
a good thing for one person

could be a bad thing
for someone else.

The yard is a loosely regulated
free market, and I'm the one who

oversees it. There's all kinds
of trade, and some can be

sketchy. That's when I have to step in.
I got a lot of kids

behind me, so that
gives me some juice.

But Frankie... Frankie has the
cash to buy a lot of power

and a lot of people.



And that creates problems.

- Twenty-five cents, guys.

For 25 cents, this kid is
gonna eat some slugs.

Check it out.

It's only 25 cents.

Yeah, what else can you
get nowadays for 25 cents?

They call it the
free market for a reason.

It's not like we were
forcing him to do it.

He wanted to do it.
He didn't have a lunch, so this way he got

something to eat, I made a few
bucks, slipped him a couple

bucks for being such a good
sport-- Everybody's happy.

Yeah, everybody's happy.

Eww! That's gross!

And you're okay with that?

Kids will pay to
see it; he's willing to do it.

What's wrong with that?

Yeah, you got a fucking
problem with that?

Business has got to
be free to do business, but

sometimes the yard needs
protection from business, and

it's up to me to keep the
balance between the two.

What's the big deal?

People in France eat
that shit all the time.

He has no choice because he has no money!
And you fucking

well know that, Frankie!

Grow up, Nick.
That's the way of the world.

There's also a medical issue here.
Live slugs carry a range

of infectious agents.
Rat Lungworm, meningitis, streptococcus.

Strepto what?

Whatever.

Look, I don't care how you
make your money, but if Cory

gets sick, you're paying
for his medication.

All right. If he gets sick,
I'll get your boy what he needs,

but until then, stay out of my way
and don't tell me how to run

my business. You're not my mom.

Fine.

Slugs are one thing, but some
problems really reek, and the

smelliest are Frankie's.

I'm always trying to expand my
business, and to do that, I have

to stay ahead of the markets.

And to do that, I always have
to have the next big thing.

Take the stink bomb
market, for example.

Come on. Let's go.

Hook me up. Yeah, yeah, one.

I'll take two.

There's a huge
demand for stink bombs, so you

can make a lot of money in the
stink bomb trade. But there's

a lot of competition.
Any idiot can make a stink bomb with

an envelope and some poo.

Shit! What the hell?

But my stink bombs
have to be the best.

Boys build gross things 'cause
they can't have babies. A stink

bomb's like the closest thing a
boy will ever get to having

a baby.

Five bucks.

Yeah, thanks, man.

What's in it?

Tabasco and pee.

A stink bomb is like a boy in bomb form.
They're easy

to break, and they're smelly.

I'll take one.

Check it out.
I'm going to wear it on picture day.

Super cute.

What is that smell?

- Stupid stink bomb-- Whoa!
Aw, it's an envelope full of poo!

Eww! Gross!

And I almost got it
on my new dress! Ugh!

You gotta do something about the stink bombs.
They're everywhere

and the whole yard reeks!

I slipped on an envelope
full of dog poo today.

- That's too bad...
- Nick, it's not funny. Picture

day is coming up.
If it happened then, I'd wreck my dress.

Mary, I'd love to help, but my
hands are tied. The boys want

their stink bombs, and
it's a free country.

Well, we should be free to
live in a world free of stink!

You gotta do something!

What am I supposed to do?

I thought you ran the yard.

I do. So?

So...

Mary's not the boss of me, but...
uh...

Listen up, guys.
The stink bomb situation is totally out

of control. I got the girls
breathing down my neck,

complaining about it, everyone's
tripping all over them, and the

whole yard stinks.
That's why I've called all you stink bomb

producers here-- To decide on one design.
The guy who can come up

with an idea of a stink bomb
that doesn't stink up the yard

outside the specified stink zone wins.
But if you lose, you can't

make stink bombs anymore.

Alistair, what do you got?

Nick, you know my stink bombs.

They're cheap, reliable, and I
make them at home. I just put

my dog's shit in an envelope, and, bam!
We're done. And my mom

has a whole box of envelopes at home.
And I just steal them.

Plus, my dog shits like every
day, so there's way more

where that came from.

Yeah, only the envelopes
are all over the yard, you

numbskull! That's why we have the
problem in the first place!

Roman, what do you got?

My stink bombs are biodegradable.
They're made from

100% repurposed materials, the
philosophy being that the smell

that comes from the earth
should go back into the earth.

Interesting. How long does
it take to make, say, a box?

A whole box? Maybe... a month or two.
But first I gotta order

the supplies from a
farm in Oregon.

Ehh... too long.

Wayne, whataya got?

Well, I run water through the
boys' gym socks. I boil it,

distil it, and produce
a lethal concentrate.

How lethal?

It killed my hamster.

Too lethal. All right, Frankie,
if you want permission

to distribute stink bombs, I
want to see what you got.

Nick, I got something real special.
It's cheap, it's

contained, and as far as
stink goes, it's rank.

Plus, it's scientifically
guaranteed.

What do you mean,
scientifically guaranteed?

You got an F in Science!

Yeah, but I hired someone
who got an A plus.

Who?

The mole.

The mole?

Who's the mole? Only like the
smartest kid in school! Last

year's science fair, I came in
with a recreation of a medieval

catapult, accurate within a The
mole had created in second.

An explosive device that could
actually implode and eliminate

matter, turning it into anti- matter.
And, plus,

she's really cute.

I've always been fascinated by
how societies function. My first

passion was ant farms.
And then I learned the naked mole rats

function in colonies, much like
social insects-- Always building,

growing, expanding. So curious!

So I built a glass home for them
to build their tunnels in,

and they generated so much
thermal energy that I was able

to contain it and create an
electric charge that'd give

them a shock when they tried
to escape from their tunnels.

Cool.

Like I said, I have to stay on
top of all my markets, and to do

that, I have to hire the best
people to do my R&D. As far as

brains go, the mole's the best.

She's a total freak, but she
knows what she's doing.

So, what's your plan?

I've concocted a highly potent stink liquid.
Its smells combine

several stenches repugnant to
the human olfactory gland,

including vomit, fecal waste,
burnt hair, rotting garbage,

as well as ammonium sulphide.

Ammonium sulphide is extremely nasty.
When exposed to air,

hydrolyzes, releasing hydrogen
sulphide and ammonia.

I propose we fill the stink
liquid into a drum, and bury it

deep beneath the sand.
Then we attach a hose to a pressurized

bicycle pump so we can pump it
up to the surface. Then we can

fill stink bombs with
maximum efficiency.

You're gonna bury
in our sandbox?

It will be under the sand.

No one will know it's there,
and because it's underground,

the stink will be contained.

You won't smell a thing.

But where are we gonna play?

I've been working on this sand
castle for two whole days!

That's all part of the plan, you see?
We will be like

the mole rats.
We will build a tunnel underground.

What do you mean?

We will bury a long hose
across the yard. That way,

the stink station will be out
of sight and out of mind

from the screws and from these
delectable little children.

What do you think, Adam?

I guess, but how do we
know it's gonna be safe?

Don't worry. Nothing bad could happen.
The drum is rubber, so

it cannot break or be punctured,
and I'm prepared to any kind

of contingency, including fire
ants, tornadoes, and, yes,

even naked mole rats.

Okay, you win, Frankie.
I'll give you the contract. You can

produce and distribute stink
bombs in the yard. But you have

to give me a cut of your
profits-- Kind of like a tax.

And if anything goes
wrong, it's on you.

Relax, Nick.

It's all under control.

I hate Frankie, and the mole
gives me the heebie jeebies,

but I gotta admit, they both
run a very tight operation.

Start pumping.

The mole's underground
contraption really took care of

the stink problem, contained it,
and got the product to the kids.

I'm filling up my treasure
chest, the kids are happy...

Stink bomb!

Ugh! Fuck, man!

The yard isn't full of shit anymore,

and Mary's happy.

How do you like me now?

For once, things were finally
going smoothly in the yard.

Maybe Frankie was right-- What
could possibly go wrong?

Hmm?

Oh, dear.

Oh, my.

Oh!

Oh, my!

We have a situation. Blegh!

I think I need
medical attention.

What's going on?

Nothin'.

It smells like shit!

We had to take the system
offline for a while. Checking

some stuff out.

Yes. Pressure gauges.
Standard stuff. Routine, really.

No biggie. Don't worry.

It'll be back online soon.

Nick...
I don't feel good.

Ashok!

What's wrong?

You're burning up, man!

What's wrong with him?

I suspect he's been poisoned.

By what?

I suspect some kind of...
poison.

Ho s shit!

Adam's been poisoned?!

Poisoned? No way.

Ashok, take
him to the infirmary.

What the hell!

It's leaking and it
can't be stopped!

Hey! Shut the fuck up!

Can't be stopped?
What do you mean, it can't be stopped?

It has to be stopped!
We can't have the screws finding out

about this! And that shit is toxic!
You have to fix this!

Why should I have to fix it?

It's the mole's fault.
She said it would work!

You hired her.

She was under your payroll.

Hey, you gave us the contract.

I gave you the contract
because you promised you could

handle this without it being
a problem, but you broke

that promise!

You want to start pointing
fingers, or you want to solve

this problem? You fucking need me here.
Let me and my team deal

with this.

He was right.
I didn't like it, but I did need him.

Nick, what's going on?

The kids are getting sick
and the yard smells worse

than before. I thought you
were supposed to regulate it.

You gotta do something.

I'm going to. I'm going to.

I just gotta figure out what.

Nick, there's no time to
figure things out. You said

you'd keep the stink zone
contained, but now it's

spreading everywhere.
Now you're making me look bad, because

I told everyone you'd make it go away.
If you don't do something,

you're going to lose the
support of the kids.

Okay, I'll take care of it.

Thank you.

Aw! What is that?

What's that horrible smell?

Yeah, it smells like one of
Mickey's farts, but worse!

Okay, it's a small problem.

I'll take care of it.

Don't worry.

Well, you gotta do something.

It smells so bad, I
think I'm gonna puke.

The yard reeks. It's awful.

You can't ignore it. The mole got sick.
Then Adam got sick.

What if more kids get sick?

Meanwhile, Nick isn't doing
anything about it. Some of the

kids are starting to wonder if
Nick is really up to the job

of handling this crisis.

Nick needs to do something.

There's a giant frickin'

bubbling pile of stinking goo
in the middle of the sandbox,

and it's making all the kids sick.
He's supposed to be the

leader. What more does he need to know?
Get rid of it, yo!

Nick was losing the support
of the kids by appearing

indecisive. Nick had to make
a decision-- Do something,

anything, just to seem decisive.

It's one of the tough things
about leadership. I knew I had

to do something or I'd lose the
support of the kids. I also

wanted to do the right thing.

What if I did the wrong thing
and more kids got sick?

Hey, Nick. Nice hat.

- Thanks, jerk-off!

You got a solution?

Yeah, man. It's a good
business opportunity, too. Air

fresheners. You wanna buy one?

Air fresheners?
Are you fucking kidding me? That's it.

I'm throwing you, your crew,
and the mole in jail.

What? Jail?

No one's been thrown
in jail for years.

You've left me no choice.

What? You can't do that!

You don't have the authority.

Yes, I do. Ugh...
The yard is my turf.

This is bullshit!

Total bullshit!

No, you're bullshit.

The people have spoken.

It'd been a long meme
since anyone had been put in

jail, so we almost forgot how it worked.
Every lunch and recess,

the kids march the prisoners
from the school to the jungle

gym. They stick 'em in there,
then guards are placed

strategically around and on top
of them, thus making escape

virtually impossible.

I never thought Nick would
have the stones to put me in

jail-- On picture day of all days!
Not that I give a crap

about picture day. I mean, I try
and look sharp every day. My dad

says that the way you dress sets
the tone for the day-- It shows

that on that day, you came to
play and not just fuck around.

Picture day is just another day to me, man.
I do think I look

pretty sharp, though.

Me too.

Then why are you wearing
that gay bowtie? Trying to

impress your girlfriend Suzi?

She's not my girlfriend.

I just think it's cool and all
that she can beat people up.

She's your girlfriend.

No, she's not.

Girlfriend.

Fuck you.

Girlfriend.

Dumb ass!

Hey!

The reason why I wore this shirt
for picture day is because

my mom's boyfriend, Cameron,
used my other shirt to polish

his snowmobile.

Don't say a fuckin' word.

Picture day? Who cares about picture day?
I got a major

crisis on hand. I gotta fix the
stink bomb leak before it's

the end of the day, and I have
no idea what to do about it.

I gotta turn to the other kids
and hope like hell that they

have an idea that'll work.

My dad always says, ff you've
got a problem, you should throw

money at it.

Whataya got for me, Cory?

Magical dinosaur sponges.
You throw 'em in the water and they

grow ten times bigger. They'll
suck up all the goo. Pretty

soon, we'll have life-sized dinosaurs.
It will be awesome.

I saw this on the news.
Here's one way they stop

oil spills:

Golf balls!

Just stand back.

Framaguous spectrum fabra!

Alistair had the idea
of attaching his mom's tampons

to parachutes.

Now is a bust.

Maybe you should
throw more money at it!

I don't think that will help.

I wanted to talk to J.J.
but he was being all pissy.

Look, man, we need a solution, okay?
You're the smartest kid

in this school.

Actually, I'm the second
smartest kid in school, and

the smartest kid is in jail,
and you put her there.

Look, I had to do it.

If I didn't, I would lose
support of the kids.

Yeah, but she's not to blame;

Frankie is.

Look, J.J., I can't bust her out.
I'm sorry. But maybe

she could bust herself out.

And maybe she could use a little help.
Do what you can.

Just came to bring the
mole her math homework.

Math homework?
What a fucking couple of love nerds!

Heh-heh! Yeah.

Nice.

You okay?

I never meant for this to happen.
I never meant

for people to get hurt.

You're the smartest kid in
school, and if you can't

fix this leak, no one can.
I brought you your math homework.

I'm six chapters ahead on my
math homework. What are you

talking about? Math homework!

I said, you're the smartest kid in school.
You figure it out.

What about Suzi?

She's cool.

She's in on it.

When I decided to jail
those guys, I thought I was

giving the kids what they wanted.
But justice is

a complicated thing.

Where the fuck's the mole?

I didn't like
letting the mole out,

but I needed her help.

I need your expertise.

Specifically, your
science project.

What about my science project?

Interesting.

You're interesting.

The plan was simple, but the execution was...
complicated.

That's why I needed the
mole to carry it out.

For a plan to be considered
ingenious, the key is simplicity.

I have my math test next.

As the leader of the
yard, I've been busting my ass

all year long trying to solve
everyone's complicated fucking

problems with all these
complicated fucking solutions.

But I'm starting to think maybe
I'm overthinking things.

You think it'll be enough?

More than enough.

What the hell are
you doing, Nick?

Cleaning up your mess, Frankie.

Can we watch?

Sure, just everyone stand back!

When something goes wrong in the
yard, you can't just point the

finger and say, "It's
that kid's fault".

'Cause things aren't
that neat and tidy.

Aw, hell, no!

What?

Did you just kiss Nick?

Kissing is fucking gross.

Hey, I thought you didn't
like that kind of language.

Aw, fuck it.
Let's blow this fuckin' shit up!

Sometimes you just
gotta light the fuse, put on

your safety goggles, and
hope for the best.

Cheeeeeese!

Are you frickin' kidding me?

You got it all over your face.