The Yard (2011–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - Girls vs. Boys - full transcript
The day started out perfect.
The sun was shining,
the birds were chirping.
It was one of those days where it seemed
like the whole world was in a good mood.
The kids were having
a good time.
It was one of those days where,
well, where it was fun to be
the boss of the yard, you know?
Kids seemed to be happier, everyone
seemed to be getting along,
girls seemed prettier.
Those kinds of days
don't come along that often,
and even when they do...
Nick!
Nick! Nick! Nick!
They don't seem
to last very long.
Fuck!
My God, Johnny, what happened?
I saw the whole thing,
'cause I was right under
the stairs where it happened.
What were you doing
under the stairs?
My mom forgot
to pack me a lunch,
so I was looking
for some dandelions.
- I'm trying to eat more greens.
- What did you see?
Johnny was standing
behind the portables.
He looked kind of nervous.
Then Patti came over.
She was smiling.
But then Patti whispered
something in his ear,
and he didn't look nervous
anymore.
He had a big smile on his face.
- He closed his eyes.
- He puckered up.
Then Patti looked over
at her friends. Then, she waved,
- and smiled, and then--
- Whammo!
- She kicked him in the...
- In his, um...
- You know.
- Right in his gonads!
- His testicles.
- AKA his 'nads.
- Right in the nut sack. Hard.
- She's captain of the girls' soccer team.
They made it to the finals
and they won
because she kicked in a goal
from her own end.
That kind of force to the groin could
fracture or even break the penis bone.
By the time I got to him, he
seemed disoriented and confused.
I got him to his feet
and brought him to Nick.
It was Patti!
She kicked him in the nut sack!
Ew! That was so gross!
- Aw, gross!
- Avenge... me.
And then, I heard this noise.
- It was a fart noise, but...
- It sounded...
- It sounded... you know...
- ...kinda dangerous.
Wet.
I really felt bad
for the poor guy.
Then Patti ran to her friends,
and they all started giggling.
The giggling was the worst part.
I can't get the sounds
of their giggles out of my head
The giggles...
they still haunt me
to this day.
Whenever something
goes wrong in the yard,
I'm the guy who has to fix it.
And some problems are
more complicated than others.
But girl problems are
the most complicated of all.
Nick, why'd she do that?
Why'd she kick him in the ding-dong?
I don't know, J.J.
But I'm sure as shit
gonna find out.
Something doesn't add up.
It doesn't make sense.
Uh, what doesn't?
Well, for starters, I found
this in Johnny's hand.
It's from Patti.
And look at it.
It's written on pink paper.
And it smells like strawberry.
- Strawberry?
- That's right. Strawberry.
- I did not shit my pants!
- So why'd you change
into your gym shorts?
'Cause I farted so bad that the
smell got stuck in my pants,
so I'm airing them out.
I didn't shit my pants.
I just kind of sharded
in them a bit.
- What does sharded mean?
- What does it sound like it means?
Well, it... honestly?
It sounds like you shit your pants.
Yeah, but I didn't shit;
I sharded. There's a difference.
It doesn't matter
why he's in gym shorts.
It matters why he got kicked
in the niblets
in the first place. No, what matters
is how we're gonna strike back.
All right, everyone out.
I need to talk to Johnny alone.
Okay. Au revoir,
Monsieur Merde in Shorts.
Hey!
Nick, you gotta revenge me.
Johnny, we've been friends since
kindergarten, and what happened to you,
I wouldn't wish upon
the biggest douchebag
in the universe.
But before I do anything,
I gotta make sure.
Did you do anything
that could have made Patti
and her friends angry at you?
- Uh... no.
- Are you sure?
Of course not. Why would I do
anything to make them mad at me?
All I want is for girls
to like me.
I really like girls.
I like them a lot.
I like the way they smell,
I like their hair,
I like holding hands.
Holding girls' hands is
just... gross.
Ehh... it makes me feel
kinda... claustrophobic.
Really... gross.
The thing about hand-holding is...
hand-holding can lead to kissing,
and this is a crucial stage.
If you F it up,
you won't get a kiss.
The stakes are high, so you gotta do it
right, and that's a lot of pressure.
This one time we were playing
"truth or dare",
I had to hold Johnny's hand.
It was so gross and sweaty.
Sometimes all of that pressure
makes me so nervous
that my palms get all sweaty
and I can't keep a firm grip,
so my hand just slips
out of the girl's hand.
Holding hands with Johnny
is like trying to hold on
to a wet marshmallow.
I want a girlfriend so bad.
One reason is 'cause I need
an assistant for my magic shows,
and if I had a girlfriend, then
I could make her my assistant,
and she would dress up in these
sparkly shorts,
and I'd cut her in half, and she'd clap
her hands when I did a magic trick.
So this was a totally
unprovoked attack?
Totally.
I'd never hurt a girl.
I want to saw a girl in half
so bad, I can taste it.
That's why we gotta
do something here--
Because she not only kicked me
in my... groinal area;
She kicked me in my reputation.
I know she did, Johnny,
and I'm gonna do something.
- What?
- It's a big move.
We've gotta talk
to some people.
Hey, Johnny, nice shorts.
What happened to your pants?
You make them disappear using magic?
Hey, Mickey, give the guy a break.
He's had a traumatic experience.
How are your yarbles?
- My what?
- The junk in your jockeys.
- Yeah... they're fine.
- Yeah. It's a terrible situation.
Sorry.
So what are you gonna do
about it, Nick?
We're still deciding,
but there's a pretty good chance
we're gonna hit back. That's why
I called this meeting.
Hey, I totally understand.
A girl humiliated one of your crew.
You gotta do something
about it, right?
- And if you don't, you're gonna look like a bunch of pussies.
- Total fucking wimps.
See, Nick's in a
terrible situation right now.
If he beats up a girl, he looks like
an A-hole, and if he does nothing,
he looks like a wimp
who can't control the yard.
Got no power,
can't dispense justice.
And if the kids think
he ain't got no power,
then that opens up a window
for me.
Can I
count on your support if we go to war
with the girls? Hey, whoa.
I mean, I know where you're coming from,
but I can't touch this.
Patti's one of my sister's
best friends.
- For fuck's sake, Mickey!
- You were saying?
I can't get involved in
an all-out girls Vs. Boys war.
Dude, you're on your own
with this one.
Come on, Mickey. Shake it.
Zip it. Let's go.
Fart-faced jerk!
Nick, you don't need Frankie's
support. You heard him.
They humiliated me.
You gotta do something.
An eye for an eye-- That's
what it says in the Bible.
She kicked me in my balls, so
we should kick her in the balls.
Johnny's plan was...
Well, it was a bad plan
for so many different reasons,
I don't even know
where to start.
What Johnny said about kicking
Patti in her, um, nards,
- doesn't even make sense.
- Why not?
Well, for one, girls' nuts are
in their, uh, these things.
Girls' nuts are
in their, uh...?
Yeah, their boobies.
That's how come they're called chesticles.
Oh, really?
Yeah, so how are you gonna
kick that high, for one,
and for two, Patti doesn't
even have, um, any boobies yet,
so I don't know
what Johnny's thinking.
Boys can't hit girls
or kick or punch them.
It's not cool.
I'd never hit a girl. Ever.
That's one of the reasons
why I have Suzi as my muscle.
Being a girl kinda makes me
a perfect fighting machine.
- Not only can I punch girls...
- Ah!
- ...but I can punch boys too.
- Ah!
- Well, I, I guess so.
- You guess so?
Hey, hey...
Ow! God dam...
Fuck, that hurt!
Damn straight.
Even if you could hit girls, that
doesn't mean you'd win the fight.
Girls can be tough.
They can F you up.
Not just physically, but.
They use, like,
Jedi mind warfare.
That donut doesn't look
very tasty.
This donut doesn't look
very tasty?
- You wanna give me that donut.
- I want to give you this donut.
Boys and girls will never
understand each other.
It would be like
my brother's pet iguana
trying to talk
to my rabbit or something.
Scientifically speaking
girls are descended from mermaids and
boys are descended from monkeys.
Yeah, that's why they smell more like
smelling things and farting and burping.
They all think farting is
so cool and hilarious.
It's like, can't they
just hold it in?
I actually think
under the right circumstances,
a well-executed fart can be
quite funny.
The main difference
between girls' bodies
and boys' bodies is that girls'
bodies don't know how to fart.
That's why
they're cranky sometimes--
'cause they got gas
but they can't let it out.
Sex is the union, usually
between a man and a woman,
with the potential result
of insemination.
The way my mom gets pregnant
is she pees on a stick
and it changes colours,
and that's how babies are made.
Sex is when a man pees
in a lady's bum.
That's how babies get born.
Do you even know
how babies are made?
- Yeah.
- How?
- From sex.
- Do you even know what sex is?
Fuck!
Aww!
People think you need a man
and a woman to have sex,
but in fact, there are hundreds of
species that have no use for males,
including lizards, fish,
and spider mites.
We can learn a lot
from our spider mite friends.
Boys don't know anything
about how romantic stuff works.
When they try to be romantic,
they do it all wrong.
If you want to drive the girls crazy,
you just gotta do two simple things:
Blow in their ear,
and pinch their bums.
They're bad kissers.
Half the time they miss.
They get all nervous
and worked up and end up
kissing your nose
or your eye or your head,
or they come in too fast and you bang teeth.
That's the worst.
When I want to let a girl know
I like her, I either kick her
in the shins, or, when possible,
push her into a puddle.
- Girls like boys who are confident.
- Yeah, but not too confident.
Yeah, if they're too
confident, then they're jerks.
And we don't like jerks.
We like boys who are nice.
Yeah, but not too nice.
You know what I mean?
I don't understand girls,
but they can be cool.
And although they're different
from us guys,
we have to live with them
and accept their differences,
because these problems have been
around, like, ever.
Since, like, the 20th century.
This whole thing is like
a powder keg. One spark,
and it could blow sky high.
This thing with Patti and Johnny
could be that spark.
We're fucked.
Suzi... I need you
to set up a meeting with Mary.
I fucking hate that chick.
It'll be good for the yard.
Make it happen.
I hate Mary Maladick.
- You mean Mary Maladich?
- No, I mean Mary Maladick.
- Uh, why?
- She's really popular,
but if you get on her bad side,
she can ruin your life.
Like once at her birthday sleepover, I forgot
my sleeping bag, so I borrowed one of hers,
and I kinda, sorta,
fuckin' pissed in it,
and ever since then, she's been
spreading rumours about me.
- What kind of rumours?
- Like I pissed in her sleeping bag.
Mary's the most popular girl
in school;
Therefore, the most powerful.
The girls dress like her,
talk like her...
They even bedazzle
their cell phones like her.
- Hey, Nick.
- Hey, Mary.
- So, you wanted to talk to me about something?
- Yeah, uh,
I wanted to talk to you about
what happened between Patti
and Johnny, Yeah, well, it's a terrible
situation, but what can I say?
What's done is done.
It's not that simple.
Nothing ever is, Nick.
Well... but she told him
she wanted to kiss him,
but then she kicked him
in his junk.
Nuh-uh. He told her he wanted to
kiss her, but she said "nuh-uh".
But then he tried to kiss her anyway,
and that's when she kicked him.
That's not what I heard.
I heard she told him
she thought he was cute.
Who would think a guy
who pooped in his pants is cute?
He didn't poop his pants,
Mary. He just sharded.
- Whatever.
- Yeah? Well, if she doesn't think he's cute,
then why'd she send him this?
You know what?
If I were you,
I'd just leave this one alone.
Leave it alone?
I can't leave it alone, Mary!
The kids look to me
for justice.
Look, if she set him up,
there was a reason, okay?
And if you look for revenge, the
girls are gonna have to strike back.
Like how?
How? Come here.
Come here.
Watch this.
Do you see Patti down there?
Yeah, why?
Holy shit!
Jesus Christ.
How did you do that?
Look, we're smarter than you.
You don't realize it,
but you run the yard
because we let you.
But if you have that kind of power,
then why don't you just take over?
Because we don't want to.
Running the yard is
a dirty business,
so we leave it up to you.
But if you don't do it right,
then we'll step in.
But this isn't
about Johnny anymore.
This is about the rights of every girl in the yard.
What are you talking about?
Ask any of the girls
about Johnny. He's a total perv.
Was he pervy to you?
No, but a lot of girls
have a lot of stories.
Check it out for yourself.
Hey, we've been answering
a lot of questions in here.
- Can I ask you a question?
- Sure.
In these interviews,
have the girls ever mentioned
to you anything
about Johnny's perviness?
- I don't know if I can talk about that.
- I need to see the footage.
I don't know
if I'm comfortable with that.
Listen, I hate
to play this card.
I wouldn't do this
if this wasn't important,
but if you don't show me
that footage,
I'm gonna tell
the school counsellor...
But that's not true!
I would never--
I know you wouldn't,
and I'm sorry,
but I really need your help
here.
Every time the teacher turns
off the lights for a movie,
Johnny smells my hair.
His breath stinks like cat food.
One time, Johnny gave me some juice.
He said it was strawberry juice.
Only, it actually was
a love potion that he made
that was supposed to make me
fall in love with him.
But it didn't work.
It only gave me the hiccups.
Hiccups are how
girls get rid of gas.
Hiccups are kind of like
girl farts.
But he thought it really did
work, so he tried to kiss me
anyway, and his breath smelled
like pickles.
One time, he got these x-ray glasses
from the back of a comic book.
- Hey, ladies.
- Eww. - Oooh.
I know more about girls than
pretty much most guys my age,
because I got these x-ray glasses, so I know
what they look like under their clothes.
Yeah.
Boys do a lot of stupid things.
Really stupid things.
That's just the reality,
and girls put up with
a lot of it,
but there are some things
we won't put up with.
When we found out that Johnny had an invisibility
ring he was using to spy on us with,
well, that was just
way out of line,
and the only reason we even knew
about the ring is because
it malfunctioned a few times,
and we saw him.
So I had to ask myself,
for every time it malfunctioned,
how many times did it work?
I couldn't let that pass, so we
decided to teach him a lesson,
and that's when
I came up with the whole plan
to send him the note, kick him in
the balls, and teach him a lesson.
You mean,
that was all your plan?
Yeah, well, as a justified
act of self-defense.
Oh, shit!
You lied to me, man.
What?
We've been friends since we shared a mat
in naptime in JK, and you lied to me.
You said you didn't do anything
to piss the girls off.
I asked you point blank
if you did, and you said no.
- What did I do?
- Peeping on Patti in the girls' bathroom.
She saw you, man. It's not my fault.
This ring's a piece of junk.
- Don't blame the ring, man.
- But she wouldn't have even
seen me if this stupid thing
hadn't malfunctioned.
That's not the point, man. Love
potions, x-ray specs, sniffing their hair,
kissing girls
when they tell you not to.
Nick! That's easy
for you to say!
All the girls want to kiss you,
including Mary.
Well, how'd you like to be the guy
that all the girls make fun of--
That none of the girls
want to kiss!
How'd you want to kiss a girl so
bad, but all she did was laugh?!
How'd you like to be the guy
who got humiliated because
he got kicked in the balls
so hard he shit his pants?!
Johnny, you didn't shit
your pants; you only sharded.
Ah, what's
the fucking difference?!
Johnny, Johnny, Johnny,
Johnny, relax. Relax.
I understand, I really do.
But if you kick Patti back,
that's not going to make
anything better,
and a whole lot
of people get hurt.
Johnny, trust me. We can't afford
to go to war with the girls.
So, what? We do nothing?
It's that simple?
Nothing's ever simple, Johnny.
Here's what you're gonna do.
- You wanted to see me?
- Yeah.
I just wanted to say
I'm sorry for peeping on you.
I'm gonna, you know, not do
that kind of thing anymore.
- I accept your apology.
- You do?
And I'm sorry for kicking you in the balls.
I was only following orders, and...
I actually thought
you were kinda cute.
- You think I'm cute?
- Well, I did.
But after you shat your pants, I
kind of lost some of that feeling.
- But I didn't shit my pants; I sharded.
- Oh...
Well...
then...
If you tell anyone we kissed, or
do any creepy stuff to the girls,
I'm gonna have to stomp on your penis
till it's flat as a pancake, okay?
Great!
It's not a cow; it's a duck.
And then the bartender says--
- Hey, guys.
- What the fuck!
Jesus, Johnny, don't do that!
- How'd it go?
- It was awesome.
- Really?
- Yeah. Totally.
So... you're
not mad anymore?
- No. I'm good.
- Good at being a pussy.
I'm proud of you, Johnny.
You learned a lesson.
Yeah, if you're nice
to girls, you might get a kiss.
Pff. Not from me.
Thanks for meeting me.
It wasn't supposed
to go this far.
She wasn't supposed
to kick him that hard,
and I never saw this whole thing
getting out of hand like this. Look,
the whole reason this thing got
out of hand is because
people weren't honest
with each other.
The boys and the girls gotta
get along,
and if you and I work together,
we can make that happen,
but we gotta be straight
with each other.
So... we cool?
Yeah, we're cool.
The sun was shining,
the birds were chirping.
It was one of those days where it seemed
like the whole world was in a good mood.
The kids were having
a good time.
It was one of those days where,
well, where it was fun to be
the boss of the yard, you know?
Kids seemed to be happier, everyone
seemed to be getting along,
girls seemed prettier.
Those kinds of days
don't come along that often,
and even when they do...
Nick!
Nick! Nick! Nick!
They don't seem
to last very long.
Fuck!
My God, Johnny, what happened?
I saw the whole thing,
'cause I was right under
the stairs where it happened.
What were you doing
under the stairs?
My mom forgot
to pack me a lunch,
so I was looking
for some dandelions.
- I'm trying to eat more greens.
- What did you see?
Johnny was standing
behind the portables.
He looked kind of nervous.
Then Patti came over.
She was smiling.
But then Patti whispered
something in his ear,
and he didn't look nervous
anymore.
He had a big smile on his face.
- He closed his eyes.
- He puckered up.
Then Patti looked over
at her friends. Then, she waved,
- and smiled, and then--
- Whammo!
- She kicked him in the...
- In his, um...
- You know.
- Right in his gonads!
- His testicles.
- AKA his 'nads.
- Right in the nut sack. Hard.
- She's captain of the girls' soccer team.
They made it to the finals
and they won
because she kicked in a goal
from her own end.
That kind of force to the groin could
fracture or even break the penis bone.
By the time I got to him, he
seemed disoriented and confused.
I got him to his feet
and brought him to Nick.
It was Patti!
She kicked him in the nut sack!
Ew! That was so gross!
- Aw, gross!
- Avenge... me.
And then, I heard this noise.
- It was a fart noise, but...
- It sounded...
- It sounded... you know...
- ...kinda dangerous.
Wet.
I really felt bad
for the poor guy.
Then Patti ran to her friends,
and they all started giggling.
The giggling was the worst part.
I can't get the sounds
of their giggles out of my head
The giggles...
they still haunt me
to this day.
Whenever something
goes wrong in the yard,
I'm the guy who has to fix it.
And some problems are
more complicated than others.
But girl problems are
the most complicated of all.
Nick, why'd she do that?
Why'd she kick him in the ding-dong?
I don't know, J.J.
But I'm sure as shit
gonna find out.
Something doesn't add up.
It doesn't make sense.
Uh, what doesn't?
Well, for starters, I found
this in Johnny's hand.
It's from Patti.
And look at it.
It's written on pink paper.
And it smells like strawberry.
- Strawberry?
- That's right. Strawberry.
- I did not shit my pants!
- So why'd you change
into your gym shorts?
'Cause I farted so bad that the
smell got stuck in my pants,
so I'm airing them out.
I didn't shit my pants.
I just kind of sharded
in them a bit.
- What does sharded mean?
- What does it sound like it means?
Well, it... honestly?
It sounds like you shit your pants.
Yeah, but I didn't shit;
I sharded. There's a difference.
It doesn't matter
why he's in gym shorts.
It matters why he got kicked
in the niblets
in the first place. No, what matters
is how we're gonna strike back.
All right, everyone out.
I need to talk to Johnny alone.
Okay. Au revoir,
Monsieur Merde in Shorts.
Hey!
Nick, you gotta revenge me.
Johnny, we've been friends since
kindergarten, and what happened to you,
I wouldn't wish upon
the biggest douchebag
in the universe.
But before I do anything,
I gotta make sure.
Did you do anything
that could have made Patti
and her friends angry at you?
- Uh... no.
- Are you sure?
Of course not. Why would I do
anything to make them mad at me?
All I want is for girls
to like me.
I really like girls.
I like them a lot.
I like the way they smell,
I like their hair,
I like holding hands.
Holding girls' hands is
just... gross.
Ehh... it makes me feel
kinda... claustrophobic.
Really... gross.
The thing about hand-holding is...
hand-holding can lead to kissing,
and this is a crucial stage.
If you F it up,
you won't get a kiss.
The stakes are high, so you gotta do it
right, and that's a lot of pressure.
This one time we were playing
"truth or dare",
I had to hold Johnny's hand.
It was so gross and sweaty.
Sometimes all of that pressure
makes me so nervous
that my palms get all sweaty
and I can't keep a firm grip,
so my hand just slips
out of the girl's hand.
Holding hands with Johnny
is like trying to hold on
to a wet marshmallow.
I want a girlfriend so bad.
One reason is 'cause I need
an assistant for my magic shows,
and if I had a girlfriend, then
I could make her my assistant,
and she would dress up in these
sparkly shorts,
and I'd cut her in half, and she'd clap
her hands when I did a magic trick.
So this was a totally
unprovoked attack?
Totally.
I'd never hurt a girl.
I want to saw a girl in half
so bad, I can taste it.
That's why we gotta
do something here--
Because she not only kicked me
in my... groinal area;
She kicked me in my reputation.
I know she did, Johnny,
and I'm gonna do something.
- What?
- It's a big move.
We've gotta talk
to some people.
Hey, Johnny, nice shorts.
What happened to your pants?
You make them disappear using magic?
Hey, Mickey, give the guy a break.
He's had a traumatic experience.
How are your yarbles?
- My what?
- The junk in your jockeys.
- Yeah... they're fine.
- Yeah. It's a terrible situation.
Sorry.
So what are you gonna do
about it, Nick?
We're still deciding,
but there's a pretty good chance
we're gonna hit back. That's why
I called this meeting.
Hey, I totally understand.
A girl humiliated one of your crew.
You gotta do something
about it, right?
- And if you don't, you're gonna look like a bunch of pussies.
- Total fucking wimps.
See, Nick's in a
terrible situation right now.
If he beats up a girl, he looks like
an A-hole, and if he does nothing,
he looks like a wimp
who can't control the yard.
Got no power,
can't dispense justice.
And if the kids think
he ain't got no power,
then that opens up a window
for me.
Can I
count on your support if we go to war
with the girls? Hey, whoa.
I mean, I know where you're coming from,
but I can't touch this.
Patti's one of my sister's
best friends.
- For fuck's sake, Mickey!
- You were saying?
I can't get involved in
an all-out girls Vs. Boys war.
Dude, you're on your own
with this one.
Come on, Mickey. Shake it.
Zip it. Let's go.
Fart-faced jerk!
Nick, you don't need Frankie's
support. You heard him.
They humiliated me.
You gotta do something.
An eye for an eye-- That's
what it says in the Bible.
She kicked me in my balls, so
we should kick her in the balls.
Johnny's plan was...
Well, it was a bad plan
for so many different reasons,
I don't even know
where to start.
What Johnny said about kicking
Patti in her, um, nards,
- doesn't even make sense.
- Why not?
Well, for one, girls' nuts are
in their, uh, these things.
Girls' nuts are
in their, uh...?
Yeah, their boobies.
That's how come they're called chesticles.
Oh, really?
Yeah, so how are you gonna
kick that high, for one,
and for two, Patti doesn't
even have, um, any boobies yet,
so I don't know
what Johnny's thinking.
Boys can't hit girls
or kick or punch them.
It's not cool.
I'd never hit a girl. Ever.
That's one of the reasons
why I have Suzi as my muscle.
Being a girl kinda makes me
a perfect fighting machine.
- Not only can I punch girls...
- Ah!
- ...but I can punch boys too.
- Ah!
- Well, I, I guess so.
- You guess so?
Hey, hey...
Ow! God dam...
Fuck, that hurt!
Damn straight.
Even if you could hit girls, that
doesn't mean you'd win the fight.
Girls can be tough.
They can F you up.
Not just physically, but.
They use, like,
Jedi mind warfare.
That donut doesn't look
very tasty.
This donut doesn't look
very tasty?
- You wanna give me that donut.
- I want to give you this donut.
Boys and girls will never
understand each other.
It would be like
my brother's pet iguana
trying to talk
to my rabbit or something.
Scientifically speaking
girls are descended from mermaids and
boys are descended from monkeys.
Yeah, that's why they smell more like
smelling things and farting and burping.
They all think farting is
so cool and hilarious.
It's like, can't they
just hold it in?
I actually think
under the right circumstances,
a well-executed fart can be
quite funny.
The main difference
between girls' bodies
and boys' bodies is that girls'
bodies don't know how to fart.
That's why
they're cranky sometimes--
'cause they got gas
but they can't let it out.
Sex is the union, usually
between a man and a woman,
with the potential result
of insemination.
The way my mom gets pregnant
is she pees on a stick
and it changes colours,
and that's how babies are made.
Sex is when a man pees
in a lady's bum.
That's how babies get born.
Do you even know
how babies are made?
- Yeah.
- How?
- From sex.
- Do you even know what sex is?
Fuck!
Aww!
People think you need a man
and a woman to have sex,
but in fact, there are hundreds of
species that have no use for males,
including lizards, fish,
and spider mites.
We can learn a lot
from our spider mite friends.
Boys don't know anything
about how romantic stuff works.
When they try to be romantic,
they do it all wrong.
If you want to drive the girls crazy,
you just gotta do two simple things:
Blow in their ear,
and pinch their bums.
They're bad kissers.
Half the time they miss.
They get all nervous
and worked up and end up
kissing your nose
or your eye or your head,
or they come in too fast and you bang teeth.
That's the worst.
When I want to let a girl know
I like her, I either kick her
in the shins, or, when possible,
push her into a puddle.
- Girls like boys who are confident.
- Yeah, but not too confident.
Yeah, if they're too
confident, then they're jerks.
And we don't like jerks.
We like boys who are nice.
Yeah, but not too nice.
You know what I mean?
I don't understand girls,
but they can be cool.
And although they're different
from us guys,
we have to live with them
and accept their differences,
because these problems have been
around, like, ever.
Since, like, the 20th century.
This whole thing is like
a powder keg. One spark,
and it could blow sky high.
This thing with Patti and Johnny
could be that spark.
We're fucked.
Suzi... I need you
to set up a meeting with Mary.
I fucking hate that chick.
It'll be good for the yard.
Make it happen.
I hate Mary Maladick.
- You mean Mary Maladich?
- No, I mean Mary Maladick.
- Uh, why?
- She's really popular,
but if you get on her bad side,
she can ruin your life.
Like once at her birthday sleepover, I forgot
my sleeping bag, so I borrowed one of hers,
and I kinda, sorta,
fuckin' pissed in it,
and ever since then, she's been
spreading rumours about me.
- What kind of rumours?
- Like I pissed in her sleeping bag.
Mary's the most popular girl
in school;
Therefore, the most powerful.
The girls dress like her,
talk like her...
They even bedazzle
their cell phones like her.
- Hey, Nick.
- Hey, Mary.
- So, you wanted to talk to me about something?
- Yeah, uh,
I wanted to talk to you about
what happened between Patti
and Johnny, Yeah, well, it's a terrible
situation, but what can I say?
What's done is done.
It's not that simple.
Nothing ever is, Nick.
Well... but she told him
she wanted to kiss him,
but then she kicked him
in his junk.
Nuh-uh. He told her he wanted to
kiss her, but she said "nuh-uh".
But then he tried to kiss her anyway,
and that's when she kicked him.
That's not what I heard.
I heard she told him
she thought he was cute.
Who would think a guy
who pooped in his pants is cute?
He didn't poop his pants,
Mary. He just sharded.
- Whatever.
- Yeah? Well, if she doesn't think he's cute,
then why'd she send him this?
You know what?
If I were you,
I'd just leave this one alone.
Leave it alone?
I can't leave it alone, Mary!
The kids look to me
for justice.
Look, if she set him up,
there was a reason, okay?
And if you look for revenge, the
girls are gonna have to strike back.
Like how?
How? Come here.
Come here.
Watch this.
Do you see Patti down there?
Yeah, why?
Holy shit!
Jesus Christ.
How did you do that?
Look, we're smarter than you.
You don't realize it,
but you run the yard
because we let you.
But if you have that kind of power,
then why don't you just take over?
Because we don't want to.
Running the yard is
a dirty business,
so we leave it up to you.
But if you don't do it right,
then we'll step in.
But this isn't
about Johnny anymore.
This is about the rights of every girl in the yard.
What are you talking about?
Ask any of the girls
about Johnny. He's a total perv.
Was he pervy to you?
No, but a lot of girls
have a lot of stories.
Check it out for yourself.
Hey, we've been answering
a lot of questions in here.
- Can I ask you a question?
- Sure.
In these interviews,
have the girls ever mentioned
to you anything
about Johnny's perviness?
- I don't know if I can talk about that.
- I need to see the footage.
I don't know
if I'm comfortable with that.
Listen, I hate
to play this card.
I wouldn't do this
if this wasn't important,
but if you don't show me
that footage,
I'm gonna tell
the school counsellor...
But that's not true!
I would never--
I know you wouldn't,
and I'm sorry,
but I really need your help
here.
Every time the teacher turns
off the lights for a movie,
Johnny smells my hair.
His breath stinks like cat food.
One time, Johnny gave me some juice.
He said it was strawberry juice.
Only, it actually was
a love potion that he made
that was supposed to make me
fall in love with him.
But it didn't work.
It only gave me the hiccups.
Hiccups are how
girls get rid of gas.
Hiccups are kind of like
girl farts.
But he thought it really did
work, so he tried to kiss me
anyway, and his breath smelled
like pickles.
One time, he got these x-ray glasses
from the back of a comic book.
- Hey, ladies.
- Eww. - Oooh.
I know more about girls than
pretty much most guys my age,
because I got these x-ray glasses, so I know
what they look like under their clothes.
Yeah.
Boys do a lot of stupid things.
Really stupid things.
That's just the reality,
and girls put up with
a lot of it,
but there are some things
we won't put up with.
When we found out that Johnny had an invisibility
ring he was using to spy on us with,
well, that was just
way out of line,
and the only reason we even knew
about the ring is because
it malfunctioned a few times,
and we saw him.
So I had to ask myself,
for every time it malfunctioned,
how many times did it work?
I couldn't let that pass, so we
decided to teach him a lesson,
and that's when
I came up with the whole plan
to send him the note, kick him in
the balls, and teach him a lesson.
You mean,
that was all your plan?
Yeah, well, as a justified
act of self-defense.
Oh, shit!
You lied to me, man.
What?
We've been friends since we shared a mat
in naptime in JK, and you lied to me.
You said you didn't do anything
to piss the girls off.
I asked you point blank
if you did, and you said no.
- What did I do?
- Peeping on Patti in the girls' bathroom.
She saw you, man. It's not my fault.
This ring's a piece of junk.
- Don't blame the ring, man.
- But she wouldn't have even
seen me if this stupid thing
hadn't malfunctioned.
That's not the point, man. Love
potions, x-ray specs, sniffing their hair,
kissing girls
when they tell you not to.
Nick! That's easy
for you to say!
All the girls want to kiss you,
including Mary.
Well, how'd you like to be the guy
that all the girls make fun of--
That none of the girls
want to kiss!
How'd you want to kiss a girl so
bad, but all she did was laugh?!
How'd you like to be the guy
who got humiliated because
he got kicked in the balls
so hard he shit his pants?!
Johnny, you didn't shit
your pants; you only sharded.
Ah, what's
the fucking difference?!
Johnny, Johnny, Johnny,
Johnny, relax. Relax.
I understand, I really do.
But if you kick Patti back,
that's not going to make
anything better,
and a whole lot
of people get hurt.
Johnny, trust me. We can't afford
to go to war with the girls.
So, what? We do nothing?
It's that simple?
Nothing's ever simple, Johnny.
Here's what you're gonna do.
- You wanted to see me?
- Yeah.
I just wanted to say
I'm sorry for peeping on you.
I'm gonna, you know, not do
that kind of thing anymore.
- I accept your apology.
- You do?
And I'm sorry for kicking you in the balls.
I was only following orders, and...
I actually thought
you were kinda cute.
- You think I'm cute?
- Well, I did.
But after you shat your pants, I
kind of lost some of that feeling.
- But I didn't shit my pants; I sharded.
- Oh...
Well...
then...
If you tell anyone we kissed, or
do any creepy stuff to the girls,
I'm gonna have to stomp on your penis
till it's flat as a pancake, okay?
Great!
It's not a cow; it's a duck.
And then the bartender says--
- Hey, guys.
- What the fuck!
Jesus, Johnny, don't do that!
- How'd it go?
- It was awesome.
- Really?
- Yeah. Totally.
So... you're
not mad anymore?
- No. I'm good.
- Good at being a pussy.
I'm proud of you, Johnny.
You learned a lesson.
Yeah, if you're nice
to girls, you might get a kiss.
Pff. Not from me.
Thanks for meeting me.
It wasn't supposed
to go this far.
She wasn't supposed
to kick him that hard,
and I never saw this whole thing
getting out of hand like this. Look,
the whole reason this thing got
out of hand is because
people weren't honest
with each other.
The boys and the girls gotta
get along,
and if you and I work together,
we can make that happen,
but we gotta be straight
with each other.
So... we cool?
Yeah, we're cool.