The Wonder Years (1988–1993): Season 3, Episode 4 - Mom Wars - full transcript
When Mom grows concerned about Kevin playing rough in touch football after school, Kevin has to make a choice.
-♪ WHAT WOULD YOU DO
IF I SANG OUT OF TUNE? ♪
♪ WOULD YOU STAND UP
AND WALK OUT ON ME? ♪
♪ LEND ME YOUR EARS,
AND I'LL SING YOU A SONG ♪
♪ I WILL TRY NOT TO
SING OUT OF KEY, YEAH ♪
♪ OH, BABY, I GET BY ♪
- ♪ BY WITH A LITTLE HELP
FROM MY FRIENDS ♪
-♪ ALL I NEED IS MY BUDDIES ♪
-♪ HIGH WITH A LITTLE
HELP FROM MY FRIENDS ♪
-♪ I'M SAYIN' I'M GONNA GET HIGHER ♪ - ♪
TRY WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM MY FRIENDS ♪
-♪ WHOA-OA-OA-OA ♪
-♪ OH, OH, OH, OH ♪
-♪ SOMEBODY WHO
KNOWS QUITE SURE ♪
♪ BABY ♪
-♪ BY WITH A LITTLE
HELP FROM MY FRIENDS ♪
-♪ SAID I'M GONNA MAKE
IT WITH MY FRIENDS ♪
-♪ TRY WITH A LITTLE
HELP FROM MY FRIENDS ♪
-♪ OH, I'M GONNA
KEEP ON TRYING ♪
-♪ HIGH WITH A LITTLE
HELP FROM MY FRIENDS ♪
♪ I'M GONNA KEEP ON
TRYING NOW, BABY ♪
-♪ OOH, OOH, OOH ♪
-WHEN YOU'RE A LITTLE BOY,
YOU DON'T HAVE TO GO VERY FAR
TO FIND THE CENTER
OF YOUR UNIVERSE.
MOM.
-♪ YOUR MOTHER SHOULD ♪
-SHE'S ALWAYS THERE.
IT'S A PRETTY GOOD
ARRANGEMENT...
WHEN YOU'RE 5.
BUT AROUND AGE 13, THERE
STARTS TO BE... A PROBLEM.
-KEVIN?
-MOM, I'M IN THE BATHROOM!
-THE PROBLEM IS,
SHE'S ALWAYS THERE.
-IS EVERYTHING OKAY, HONEY?
-MOM!
-AND I MEAN ALWAYS.
-JUST CHECKING.
-NOW, A MOM'S GOT TO BE A
MOM, BUT A GUY'S GOT TO BE A GUY.
AND WHEN AN IRRESISTIBLE
FORCE MEETS AN IMMOVABLE OBJECT,
SOONER OR LATER,
SOMETHING'S GOT TO GIVE.
-HIKE!
-NO-EQUIPMENT FOOTBALL.
WE'D BEEN PLAYING IT IN
SHEPHERD'S PARK EVERY AFTERNOON
SINCE THE COOL WEATHER SET IN.
SURE, MAYBE IT LOOKED
LIKE MAYHEM AND VIOLENCE.
BUT TO US,
IT WAS SOMETHING MORE.
- I GOT IT!
-GET HIM!
-IT WAS MAYHEM,
VIOLENCE, AND DIRT,
THE STUFF LAUNDRY
COMMERCIALS ARE MADE OF.
-I GOT IT!
-ALL RIGHT!
-HEY, PFEIFFER, HOW MANY
SWEATSHIRTS YOU WEARING?
-HEY, I NEED 'EM, OKAY?
THAT WIND REALLY CUTS
THROUGH YOU LIKE A KNIFE.
-SURE IT WAS RECKLESS.
- BUT NOBODY GOT HURT.
- DOUG?
-MUCH.
-IS HE BREATHING?
-I THINK SO.
-ARE YOU BREATHING, DOUG?
-I THINK HE'S HURT.
MAYBE WE SHOULD STOP.
-NAH. HE JUST GOT THE
WIND KNOCKED OUT OF HIM.
HE'S ALL RIGHT.
-YEAH. I'M ALL RIGHT.
-OH. GOOD.
-HEY, ARNOLD, WE WANT REVENGE.
NEXT PLAY'S GONNA BE A BLITZ.
-FINE! COME ON. LET'S HUDDLE.
-UM, KEV, I-I'M GONNA GO
GET ANOTHER SWEATSHIRT.
-IT WAS A GAME YOU HAD TO LOVE.
-UHH...
-BREAK! -BREAK! -BREAK! -BREAK!
-NO RULES. NO REFEREES.
-BLUE! 26!
- NO ONE TO ANSWER TO.
- BLUE! 26!
HUT, HUT, HUT!
-A THING OF BEAUTY.
BUT THEN, MAYBE BEAUTY IS
IN THE EYE OF THE BEHOLDER.
-KEVIN, IS THAT
BLOOD ON YOUR SHIRT?
-UH...
-NOT THAT I HAD ANYTHING
TO HIDE, OF COURSE.
IT'S JUST THAT... WELL,
YOU KNOW HOW MOMS ARE.
-I DON'T THINK SO.
UH... IT'S KETCHUP.
-KETCHUP?
-YEAH.
-HOW DID YOU GET THAT
BLOOD ON YOUR SHIRT?
-IT'S NOT BLOOD!
-NOT MINE, ANYWAY.
-IT'S KETCHUP, OKAY?
-WELL, HOW'D YOU GET THE
KETCHUP ON YOUR SHIRT?
-AT LUNCH TODAY.
WE HAD FISH STICKS.
-SURE. THAT'S IT. FISH STICKS.
-WELL, THAT'S ODD.
IT SAYS HERE THAT TUESDAY'S
PIZZA DAY AT SCHOOL.
-BOY, NOTHING SLIPPED
PAST THIS WOMAN.
-DID I SAY FISH STICKS?
I'M SORRY. FISH
STICKS WAS YESTERDAY.
THIS IS, UH, PIZZA SAUCE.
-OH.
-THERE! NEATLY DONE.
THEREBY AVOIDING ANY
NEEDLESS DISCUSSIONS ABOUT...
-SO, I HEARD, UH, DOUG
PORTER GOT CREAMED
AT YOUR FOOTBALL
GAME TODAY, HUH?
-FOOTBALL?
IS THAT TACKLE FOOTBALL?
-GREAT. NOW THE
FAT WAS IN THE FIRE.
COMMENCE GRILLING.
-WELL, MOM, YOU KNOW,
I-IT'S... IT'S NOT REALLY TACKLE.
-WHO ARE YOU PLAYING
TACKLE FOOTBALL WITH?
-JUST SOME FRIENDS.
- AT SCHOOL?
- AT THE PARK.
- YOU HAVE A COACH?
- A COACH?
-WELL, DON'T YOU THINK
SOMETHING LIKE THAT
SHOULD BE SUPERVISED?
-FOOTBALL IS TOTALLY BARBARIC.
-THIS DISCUSSION WAS MOVING
IN THE WRONG DIRECTION.
I HAD TO TAKE ACTION, AND FAST.
-LOOK, MOM, THERE'S NOTHING
TO WORRY ABOUT, OKAY?
IT'S NO BIG DEAL.
TRUST ME!
-OF COURSE I TRUST YOU, HONEY.
I JUST DON'T WANT
ANYONE TO GET INJURED.
INJURED.
NO ONE'S GONNA GET INJURED, MOM.
-AT LEAST NOT PERMANENTLY.
-GEEZ, PAUL! WHERE WERE YOU?
I TOLD YOU I WAS
GONNA LATERAL TO YOU!
-WELL, I TRIPPED.
THIS IS A VERY POOR
PLAYING SURFACE.
-HEY, RANDY, YOU OKAY?
-YEAH.
-HEY, KEV, ISN'T THAT
YOUR MOM'S CAR?
-YEAH.
-FUNNY. SHE'D NEVER
DRIVEN BY HERE BEFORE.
-OKAY. YOUR BALL.
FIRST AND 10.
-STILL, MOM WOULD
NEVER SPY ON ME.
SO SHE PROBABLY HAD...
SOME OTHER REASON.
-INSTINCT... THE
BIOLOGICAL IMPERATIVE.
WHAT MAKES THIS SALMON FIGHT
HER WAY THROUGH HOSTILE CURRENTS,
ONLY TO LAY HER EGGS
AND DIE, HER ENERGY SPENT?
-MAYBE SHE WAS PICKING
UP YOUR DAD'S DRY-CLEANING.
-HUH?
-YOUR MOM.
-THIS COURAGEOUS MALLARD,
FACING CERTAIN ANNIHILATION,
DEFENDS HER YOUNG AGAINST
A VENOMOUS PREDATOR.
-I JUST HOPE SHE
DOESN'T TALK TO MY MOM.
-LOOK, PAUL, IT'S
NO BIG DEAL, OKAY?
-AT LEAST I HOPED NOT.
-EVER VIGILANT OF OUR HARSH
AND MURDEROUS ENVIRONMENT,
A COUGAR DRAGS
HER CUB TO SAFETY.
-OKAY, BUT IF YOU THINK
WE SHOULD STOP PLAYING...
HEY, IT WAS JUST A SUGGESTION.
-LOOK, WE'RE NOT DOING
ANYTHING WRONG, OKAY?
-I JUST HATE TO THINK WHAT
MY MOM WOULD DO TO ME
IF SHE FOUND OUT.
-WHAT ARE YOU SO AFRAID OF?
-OF COURSE, THERE ARE CASES
OF INSTINCT GONE BERSERK.
-AND THEN...
-HEY, KEV, IT'S YOUR MOM.
-WAIT A MINUTE.
THIS WAS STARTING
TO GET EMBARRASSING.
-LOOK, I'LL BE RIGHT BACK, OKAY?
-YOU'RE COMING WITH US?
-YEAH, YEAH. I'LL JUST
BE BACK IN A MINUTE.
-HOP IN.
-WHY?
-I'M GONNA TAKE YOU SHOPPING.
-SHOPPING?
-YEAH. THERE'S A SALE
OVER AT BOY'S TOWN.
-AND SUDDENLY, I WAS
HEARING ALARM BELLS.
-LOOK, UH, MA, I'M GONNA
TAKE THE BUS TODAY.
SEE? THE GUYS ARE WAITING.
-I THINK YOU NEED NEW PANTS.
-UH, LOOK, MOM, THE PANTS
I HAVE ARE FINE, OKAY?
I-I DON'T NEED NEW PANTS!
I MEAN, THEY FIT
GREAT. THEY'RE STYLISH.
I JUST DON'T NEED NEW PANTS.
-THERE. PHEW!
I WAS FINALLY GETTING THROUGH.
-I THINK YOU NEED NEW PANTS.
-♪ NOWHERE TO RUN TO, BABY ♪
♪ NOWHERE TO HIDE ♪
-BOY, TELL ONE LOUSY LITTLE
FIB ABOUT PIZZA ON YOUR SHIRT,
AND WHAT DO YOU GET?
PANTS.
-♪ OOH, OOH ♪
-♪ IT'S NOT LOVE THAT
I'M RUNNING FROM ♪
♪ IT'S THE HEARTACHE
I KNOW WILL COME ♪
-STILL, IF THAT'S WHAT MOM
NEEDED TO SQUARE ACCOUNTS,
IT WAS FINE WITH ME.
I COULD TAKE IT.
-♪ EVERYWHERE I
GO, YOUR FACE I SEE ♪
♪ EVERY STEP I TAKE,
YOU TAKE WITH ME ♪
-HOW DO THEY FIT?
-FINE. WE'LL TAKE 'EM.
-I'M NOT SO SURE.
THEY SEEM SEEM AWFULLY
ROOMY IN THE CROTCH.
-GEE, MOM, COULD YOU
SAY IT A LITTLE LOUDER?
I'M NOT SURE EVERYONE
IN THE STORE HEARD.
-ATTENTION, SHOPPERS.
ATTENTION, SHOPPERS.
PLENTY OF ROOM IN
KEVIN ARNOLD'S CROTCH!
-THERE. THAT WASN'T
SO BAD, WAS IT?
-PURE LIVING HELL.
BUT I'D SURVIVED.
THE DEBT WAS PAID,
MOM WAS HAPPY,
AND TOMORROW WAS A
WHOLE NEW BALL GAME.
-OH, I GUESS IT'S TOO LATE.
-FOR WHAT?
-BUSTER BROWN'S.
YOU'RE GONNA NEED SHOES TO
GO WITH ALL THOSE NEW PANTS.
WE'LL JUST HAVE TO GO TOMORROW.
-AND THEN, IN A FLASH,
EVERYTHING WAS HORRIBLY CLEAR.
MOM WAS GOING TO TAKE ME
SHOPPING IN THE AFTERNOON
FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.
-LOOK, MOM, I HAVE A
FOOTBALL GAME TOMORROW.
-YEAH. WELL, WE CAN
TALK ABOUT THAT LATER.
-UNH-UNH.
WE WERE GONNA HAVE
THIS OUT RIGHT HERE, RIGHT...
-HONEY, ARE YOU OKAY?
-IT'S A TOUGH TIME IN LIFE
WHEN YOU'RE
STRUGGLING FOR MANHOOD
AND YOUR MOTHER STILL
OUTWEIGHS YOU BY 50 POUNDS.
I WAS LEFT WITH
ONLY ONE OPTION...
CALL IN THE HEAVY ARTILLERY.
-DAD? WE'VE GOT TO TALK.
-HUH?
-NO ONE HAD EVER ACTUALLY
SPOKEN TO MY FATHER
BEFORE HE PUT
DOWN HIS BRIEFCASE.
BUT I WAS GOING FOR BROKE.
-CAN YOU THINK OF
ONE GOOD REASON
WHY I SHOULDN'T BE ABLE TO PLAY
FOOTBALL WITH THE OTHER GUYS?
I MEAN, I BET YOU PLAYED
FOOTBALL WITHOUT ANY EQUIPMENT
WHEN YOU WERE A LITTLE KID,
AND I'VE BEEN PLAYING
FOR A VERY LONG TIME NOW,
AND NOTHING'S EVER
REALLY HAPPENED.
AND THE GUYS ARE REALLY
COUNTING ON ME TO PLAY TONIGHT.
-SO?
-SO CAN WE PLAY OR NOT?
-SURE. GO AHEAD.
-TOUCHDOWN!
-I DON'T THINK IT'S
A GOOD IDEA, JACK.
-YOU HEARD YOUR MOTHER.
-OKAY.
THAT DID IT!
-SO, I'LL PICK YOU UP
AT SCHOOL TOMORROW,
AND WE'LL GO FOR THOSE SHOES.
-THE LINES WERE DRAWN.
THE COURSE WAS UNALTERABLE.
-OKAY, HONEY?
-THIS WAS WAR.
-HEY, ARNOLD. NICE PANTS.
-OH, THANKS, HODGES.
NICE OF YOU TO NOTICE.
-YOU MISSED A GOOD
GAME YESTERDAY.
-YEAH. PAUL SET A NEW RECORD...
MOST DROPPED
PASSES IN A SCRIMMAGE.
WHERE WERE YOU, ANYWAY?
-OH, UH...
I HAD TO HELP MY DAD
CHANGE THE PLUGS
ON THE, UH, IMPALA.
YOU KNOW, YOU GOT
TO KEEP HER RUNNIN'.
-I DIDN'T THINK
"BARGAIN-HUNTING WITH MOM"
WOULD GO OVER VERY WELL.
-YEAH? UH, YOU
CHECK ALL THE GAPS?
-UH...
YEAH.
-HOW'D YOU GET YOUR
FINGERNAILS SO CLEAN?
YOU KNOW, USUALLY IT
TAKES ME A COUPLE DAYS...
-SO, UH, DID YOU GUYS WIN?
-OH, NO. WE LOST. WE
COULD'VE USED YOU, TOO!
JIMMY'S MOM
WOULDN'T LET HIM PLAY.
-CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT?
-WHAT A WUSS.
-YOU'LL BE THERE TONIGHT,
THOUGH, WON'T YOU?
-OH. SURE.
-ALL RIGHT.
-WELL, THIS'LL DO.
-DID YOU USE THE LAVA OR THE...
-LOOK, PAUL, I GOT TO
GET BACK TO WORK, OKAY?
-TIME TO MEET YOUR MAKER.
-WELL, THAT WAS
IT... DECISION TIME.
MOM HAS SPECIFICALLY
GIVEN ME AN ORDER...
MEET HER IN FRONT OF
THE SCHOOL AT THE BELL.
OR HAD SHE SAID
"MEET ME AT HOME"?
-MOM?
MOM?
I'M HOME.
HEY, MOM?!
-HMM, THAT'S ODD.
-ANYBODY HOME?!
-NOT LIKE MOM TO FORGET,
BUT HEY, WE ALL MAKE MISTAKES.
YEP, NO SENSE IN LAYING BLAME...
ESPECIALLY WHILE THERE
WAS STILL DAYLIGHT LEFT.
-PFEIFFER, YOU'RE LATE.
-AM I?
-YOU GUYS DIDN'T START
WITHOUT ME, DID YOU?
-OF COURSE. WOULDN'T BE A
BIG-LEAGUE GAME WITHOUT YOU.
-GUYS... HUMILIATING EACH OTHER,
HURTING EACH OTHER'S FEELINGS.
DID IT GET ANY BETTER THAN THIS?
UH-OH. CAUGHT RED-HANDED.
THERE WAS ONLY
ONE THING TO DO...
GO ON THE OFFENSIVE.
-♪ KEVIN! ♪
-MOM!
-KEVIN, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
-WELL...
-I SPECIFICALLY TOLD YOU
TO MEET ME IN FRONT
OF YOUR SCHOOL AT 3:00.
-I FORGOT.
-YOU FORGOT?
-YEAH.
-HOW COULD YOU
JUST FORGET, KEVIN?
-WELL, I THOUGHT YOU SAID
MEET ME IN FRONT OF
THE HOUSE AFTER SCHOOL.
-THAT'S REALLY WHAT
YOU THOUGHT I SAID?
-WELL, I'M NOT EXACTLY SURE
WHETHER YOU SAID THAT OR NOT.
-AW, HECK, THE WOMAN KNEW
WHAT UNDERWEAR I WAS WEARING.
WHY DID I EVEN TRY TO FIGHT IT?
-WELL, I SUPPOSE WE STILL HAVE
TIME TO MAKE IT TO THE STORE.
-NO!
I'M NOT COMING, MOM.
-WHAT?
-I'M PLAYING FOOTBALL.
-NOW, I THOUGHT WE AGREED
YOU WEREN'T GONNA PLAY ANYMORE.
-NO, I NEVER SAID THAT, MOM!
-WHAT DO YOU HAVE
AGAINST FOOTBALL, ANYWAY?
-YOU KNOW, DOUG PORTER
SHOULDN'T BE PLAYING FOOTBALL.
HE HAS BLADDER PROBLEMS.
-BLADDER PROBLEMS?
-HOW DID SHE KNOW THAT?!
WAS THERE A SECRET
NETWORK OF MOMS
WHO TRADED INSIDE
INFORMATION ABOUT BLADDERS
OVER BRIDGE TABLES
AND GROCERY CARTS?
-I JUST WORRY ABOUT
YOU, SWEETHEART.
-DON'T YOU HAVE ANYTHING
BETTER TO DO, MOM?
I MEAN, JUST STOP BABYING
ME. I CAN TAKE CARE OF MYSELF.
-WELL, IF YOU'RE GONNA GO...
GO.
-AND THEN I WAS FREE.
I WAS HIGHER THAN A KITE.
-GET HIM!
-I WAS UNSTOPPABLE.
-COME ON! COME ON!
-TOUCHDOWN!
TOUCHDOWN! WHOO-HOO!
-OKAY. NEW GAME.
-HEY, IT'S GETTING KIND OF LATE.
-YEAH. I-IT'S GETTING
COLD. IS ANYONE COLD?
-ARNOLD?
-NEW GAME.
LOSERS WALK.
-LET'S GO.
-HEY, KEV, YOU THINK
THIS IS A GOOD IDEA?
-OH, COME ON, PAUL.
DON'T BE SUCH A WUSS.
-WHOOPS. MAYBE THAT
WAS A LITTLE ROUGH.
-HEY, SORRY. I DIDN'T MEAN THAT.
-IT'S OKAY.
-BUT HECK, LET'S FACE
IT. I WAS FEELING MY OATS.
-ARE YOU READY?
-YEP, I'D FOUGHT A
BATTLE AND I'D WON.
THINGS WERE GONNA BE
DIFFERENT FROM NOW ON.
YEAH, THINGS WERE
GONNA BE ALL RIGHT.
AND THEN IT HIT ME.
ACTUALLY, CRAIG HOBSON HIT ME.
AND RANDY MITCHELL.
-AND MIKE DONOVAN.
-AFTER THAT, I KIND OF
STOPPED TAKING NAMES.
-MAN! THAT WAS AMAZING!
-COME ON, GUYS. GET OFF.
KEVIN?
YOU'RE BLEEDING.
-OKAY. YOUR BALL. FIRST DOWN.
-OKAY. ALL RIGHT.
THIS GAME IS OVER.
-SAYS WHO?
-SAYS ME.
THIS GAME IS CALLED ON
ACCOUNT OF DARKNESS.
AND THAT'S ALL. THERE'S
NOTHING ELSE TO SAY.
NOW, EVERYONE JUST GO HOME.
GO ON.
-HE'S PROBABLY RIGHT.
IT'S GETTING LATE.
-YEAH. I GOT DINNER.
-WE'LL DO IT AGAIN TOMORROW.
-WHAT ARE YOU, HIS MOTHER?
-HEY, WAIT A MINUTE!
I-I'M ALL RIGHT, GUYS!
WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
I'M...
FINE...
-BUT I WASN'T. NOT REALLY.
BY THE TIME I GOT HOME, MY
HAND FELT LIKE A FIVE-ALARM FIRE.
-KEVIN, ARE YOU HURT?
-I WANTED TO ANSWER "YES,"
THAT I WAS HURT, THAT
I NEEDED COMFORT.
-NO, MOM.
I'M OKAY.
-AND I KNEW SHE
WANTED TO COMFORT ME,
TO MAKE EVERYTHING BETTER.
-WELL, THERE'S SOME IODINE
IN THE MEDICINE CABINET
IN THE BATHROOM.
GAUZE IF YOU NEED
SOMETHING TO WRAP IT IN.
-IN THE MEDICINE CABINET?
-MM-HMM.
-EVERY WAR HAS ITS CASUALTIES
AND EVERY VICTORY ITS PRICE.
BUT LIFE GOES ON.
NOTHING REALLY
CHANGED THAT NIGHT.
NOTHING BIG, ANYWAY.
JUST A VERY LITTLE PIECE
OF SOMETHING THAT WAS
NEVER GONNA BE THE SAME.
NOT EVER.
THE THING IS, IT'S HARD TO TIE A
BANDAGE WITH JUST ONE HAND.
SOONER OR LATER, THOUGH...
YOU LEARN.
-♪ YESTERDAY A CHILD
CAME OUT TO WANDER ♪
♪ CAUGHT A DRAGONFLY
INSIDE A JAR ♪
♪ FEARFUL WHEN THE SKY
WAS FULL OF THUNDER ♪
♪ AND TEARFUL AT THE
FALLING OF A STAR ♪
♪ AND THE SEASONS, THEY
GO 'ROUND AND 'ROUND ♪
♪ AND THE PAINTED
PONIES GO UP AND DOWN ♪
♪ WE'RE CAPTIVE ON
THE CAROUSEL OF TIME ♪
♪ WE CAN'T RETURN ♪
♪ WE CAN ONLY LOOK BEHIND
FROM WHERE WE CAME ♪
♪ AND GO 'ROUND AND
'ROUND AND 'ROUND ♪
♪ IN THE CIRCLE GAME ♪
♪ THEN THE CHILD MOVED TEN
TIMES 'ROUND THE SEASONS ♪
IF I SANG OUT OF TUNE? ♪
♪ WOULD YOU STAND UP
AND WALK OUT ON ME? ♪
♪ LEND ME YOUR EARS,
AND I'LL SING YOU A SONG ♪
♪ I WILL TRY NOT TO
SING OUT OF KEY, YEAH ♪
♪ OH, BABY, I GET BY ♪
- ♪ BY WITH A LITTLE HELP
FROM MY FRIENDS ♪
-♪ ALL I NEED IS MY BUDDIES ♪
-♪ HIGH WITH A LITTLE
HELP FROM MY FRIENDS ♪
-♪ I'M SAYIN' I'M GONNA GET HIGHER ♪ - ♪
TRY WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM MY FRIENDS ♪
-♪ WHOA-OA-OA-OA ♪
-♪ OH, OH, OH, OH ♪
-♪ SOMEBODY WHO
KNOWS QUITE SURE ♪
♪ BABY ♪
-♪ BY WITH A LITTLE
HELP FROM MY FRIENDS ♪
-♪ SAID I'M GONNA MAKE
IT WITH MY FRIENDS ♪
-♪ TRY WITH A LITTLE
HELP FROM MY FRIENDS ♪
-♪ OH, I'M GONNA
KEEP ON TRYING ♪
-♪ HIGH WITH A LITTLE
HELP FROM MY FRIENDS ♪
♪ I'M GONNA KEEP ON
TRYING NOW, BABY ♪
-♪ OOH, OOH, OOH ♪
-WHEN YOU'RE A LITTLE BOY,
YOU DON'T HAVE TO GO VERY FAR
TO FIND THE CENTER
OF YOUR UNIVERSE.
MOM.
-♪ YOUR MOTHER SHOULD ♪
-SHE'S ALWAYS THERE.
IT'S A PRETTY GOOD
ARRANGEMENT...
WHEN YOU'RE 5.
BUT AROUND AGE 13, THERE
STARTS TO BE... A PROBLEM.
-KEVIN?
-MOM, I'M IN THE BATHROOM!
-THE PROBLEM IS,
SHE'S ALWAYS THERE.
-IS EVERYTHING OKAY, HONEY?
-MOM!
-AND I MEAN ALWAYS.
-JUST CHECKING.
-NOW, A MOM'S GOT TO BE A
MOM, BUT A GUY'S GOT TO BE A GUY.
AND WHEN AN IRRESISTIBLE
FORCE MEETS AN IMMOVABLE OBJECT,
SOONER OR LATER,
SOMETHING'S GOT TO GIVE.
-HIKE!
-NO-EQUIPMENT FOOTBALL.
WE'D BEEN PLAYING IT IN
SHEPHERD'S PARK EVERY AFTERNOON
SINCE THE COOL WEATHER SET IN.
SURE, MAYBE IT LOOKED
LIKE MAYHEM AND VIOLENCE.
BUT TO US,
IT WAS SOMETHING MORE.
- I GOT IT!
-GET HIM!
-IT WAS MAYHEM,
VIOLENCE, AND DIRT,
THE STUFF LAUNDRY
COMMERCIALS ARE MADE OF.
-I GOT IT!
-ALL RIGHT!
-HEY, PFEIFFER, HOW MANY
SWEATSHIRTS YOU WEARING?
-HEY, I NEED 'EM, OKAY?
THAT WIND REALLY CUTS
THROUGH YOU LIKE A KNIFE.
-SURE IT WAS RECKLESS.
- BUT NOBODY GOT HURT.
- DOUG?
-MUCH.
-IS HE BREATHING?
-I THINK SO.
-ARE YOU BREATHING, DOUG?
-I THINK HE'S HURT.
MAYBE WE SHOULD STOP.
-NAH. HE JUST GOT THE
WIND KNOCKED OUT OF HIM.
HE'S ALL RIGHT.
-YEAH. I'M ALL RIGHT.
-OH. GOOD.
-HEY, ARNOLD, WE WANT REVENGE.
NEXT PLAY'S GONNA BE A BLITZ.
-FINE! COME ON. LET'S HUDDLE.
-UM, KEV, I-I'M GONNA GO
GET ANOTHER SWEATSHIRT.
-IT WAS A GAME YOU HAD TO LOVE.
-UHH...
-BREAK! -BREAK! -BREAK! -BREAK!
-NO RULES. NO REFEREES.
-BLUE! 26!
- NO ONE TO ANSWER TO.
- BLUE! 26!
HUT, HUT, HUT!
-A THING OF BEAUTY.
BUT THEN, MAYBE BEAUTY IS
IN THE EYE OF THE BEHOLDER.
-KEVIN, IS THAT
BLOOD ON YOUR SHIRT?
-UH...
-NOT THAT I HAD ANYTHING
TO HIDE, OF COURSE.
IT'S JUST THAT... WELL,
YOU KNOW HOW MOMS ARE.
-I DON'T THINK SO.
UH... IT'S KETCHUP.
-KETCHUP?
-YEAH.
-HOW DID YOU GET THAT
BLOOD ON YOUR SHIRT?
-IT'S NOT BLOOD!
-NOT MINE, ANYWAY.
-IT'S KETCHUP, OKAY?
-WELL, HOW'D YOU GET THE
KETCHUP ON YOUR SHIRT?
-AT LUNCH TODAY.
WE HAD FISH STICKS.
-SURE. THAT'S IT. FISH STICKS.
-WELL, THAT'S ODD.
IT SAYS HERE THAT TUESDAY'S
PIZZA DAY AT SCHOOL.
-BOY, NOTHING SLIPPED
PAST THIS WOMAN.
-DID I SAY FISH STICKS?
I'M SORRY. FISH
STICKS WAS YESTERDAY.
THIS IS, UH, PIZZA SAUCE.
-OH.
-THERE! NEATLY DONE.
THEREBY AVOIDING ANY
NEEDLESS DISCUSSIONS ABOUT...
-SO, I HEARD, UH, DOUG
PORTER GOT CREAMED
AT YOUR FOOTBALL
GAME TODAY, HUH?
-FOOTBALL?
IS THAT TACKLE FOOTBALL?
-GREAT. NOW THE
FAT WAS IN THE FIRE.
COMMENCE GRILLING.
-WELL, MOM, YOU KNOW,
I-IT'S... IT'S NOT REALLY TACKLE.
-WHO ARE YOU PLAYING
TACKLE FOOTBALL WITH?
-JUST SOME FRIENDS.
- AT SCHOOL?
- AT THE PARK.
- YOU HAVE A COACH?
- A COACH?
-WELL, DON'T YOU THINK
SOMETHING LIKE THAT
SHOULD BE SUPERVISED?
-FOOTBALL IS TOTALLY BARBARIC.
-THIS DISCUSSION WAS MOVING
IN THE WRONG DIRECTION.
I HAD TO TAKE ACTION, AND FAST.
-LOOK, MOM, THERE'S NOTHING
TO WORRY ABOUT, OKAY?
IT'S NO BIG DEAL.
TRUST ME!
-OF COURSE I TRUST YOU, HONEY.
I JUST DON'T WANT
ANYONE TO GET INJURED.
INJURED.
NO ONE'S GONNA GET INJURED, MOM.
-AT LEAST NOT PERMANENTLY.
-GEEZ, PAUL! WHERE WERE YOU?
I TOLD YOU I WAS
GONNA LATERAL TO YOU!
-WELL, I TRIPPED.
THIS IS A VERY POOR
PLAYING SURFACE.
-HEY, RANDY, YOU OKAY?
-YEAH.
-HEY, KEV, ISN'T THAT
YOUR MOM'S CAR?
-YEAH.
-FUNNY. SHE'D NEVER
DRIVEN BY HERE BEFORE.
-OKAY. YOUR BALL.
FIRST AND 10.
-STILL, MOM WOULD
NEVER SPY ON ME.
SO SHE PROBABLY HAD...
SOME OTHER REASON.
-INSTINCT... THE
BIOLOGICAL IMPERATIVE.
WHAT MAKES THIS SALMON FIGHT
HER WAY THROUGH HOSTILE CURRENTS,
ONLY TO LAY HER EGGS
AND DIE, HER ENERGY SPENT?
-MAYBE SHE WAS PICKING
UP YOUR DAD'S DRY-CLEANING.
-HUH?
-YOUR MOM.
-THIS COURAGEOUS MALLARD,
FACING CERTAIN ANNIHILATION,
DEFENDS HER YOUNG AGAINST
A VENOMOUS PREDATOR.
-I JUST HOPE SHE
DOESN'T TALK TO MY MOM.
-LOOK, PAUL, IT'S
NO BIG DEAL, OKAY?
-AT LEAST I HOPED NOT.
-EVER VIGILANT OF OUR HARSH
AND MURDEROUS ENVIRONMENT,
A COUGAR DRAGS
HER CUB TO SAFETY.
-OKAY, BUT IF YOU THINK
WE SHOULD STOP PLAYING...
HEY, IT WAS JUST A SUGGESTION.
-LOOK, WE'RE NOT DOING
ANYTHING WRONG, OKAY?
-I JUST HATE TO THINK WHAT
MY MOM WOULD DO TO ME
IF SHE FOUND OUT.
-WHAT ARE YOU SO AFRAID OF?
-OF COURSE, THERE ARE CASES
OF INSTINCT GONE BERSERK.
-AND THEN...
-HEY, KEV, IT'S YOUR MOM.
-WAIT A MINUTE.
THIS WAS STARTING
TO GET EMBARRASSING.
-LOOK, I'LL BE RIGHT BACK, OKAY?
-YOU'RE COMING WITH US?
-YEAH, YEAH. I'LL JUST
BE BACK IN A MINUTE.
-HOP IN.
-WHY?
-I'M GONNA TAKE YOU SHOPPING.
-SHOPPING?
-YEAH. THERE'S A SALE
OVER AT BOY'S TOWN.
-AND SUDDENLY, I WAS
HEARING ALARM BELLS.
-LOOK, UH, MA, I'M GONNA
TAKE THE BUS TODAY.
SEE? THE GUYS ARE WAITING.
-I THINK YOU NEED NEW PANTS.
-UH, LOOK, MOM, THE PANTS
I HAVE ARE FINE, OKAY?
I-I DON'T NEED NEW PANTS!
I MEAN, THEY FIT
GREAT. THEY'RE STYLISH.
I JUST DON'T NEED NEW PANTS.
-THERE. PHEW!
I WAS FINALLY GETTING THROUGH.
-I THINK YOU NEED NEW PANTS.
-♪ NOWHERE TO RUN TO, BABY ♪
♪ NOWHERE TO HIDE ♪
-BOY, TELL ONE LOUSY LITTLE
FIB ABOUT PIZZA ON YOUR SHIRT,
AND WHAT DO YOU GET?
PANTS.
-♪ OOH, OOH ♪
-♪ IT'S NOT LOVE THAT
I'M RUNNING FROM ♪
♪ IT'S THE HEARTACHE
I KNOW WILL COME ♪
-STILL, IF THAT'S WHAT MOM
NEEDED TO SQUARE ACCOUNTS,
IT WAS FINE WITH ME.
I COULD TAKE IT.
-♪ EVERYWHERE I
GO, YOUR FACE I SEE ♪
♪ EVERY STEP I TAKE,
YOU TAKE WITH ME ♪
-HOW DO THEY FIT?
-FINE. WE'LL TAKE 'EM.
-I'M NOT SO SURE.
THEY SEEM SEEM AWFULLY
ROOMY IN THE CROTCH.
-GEE, MOM, COULD YOU
SAY IT A LITTLE LOUDER?
I'M NOT SURE EVERYONE
IN THE STORE HEARD.
-ATTENTION, SHOPPERS.
ATTENTION, SHOPPERS.
PLENTY OF ROOM IN
KEVIN ARNOLD'S CROTCH!
-THERE. THAT WASN'T
SO BAD, WAS IT?
-PURE LIVING HELL.
BUT I'D SURVIVED.
THE DEBT WAS PAID,
MOM WAS HAPPY,
AND TOMORROW WAS A
WHOLE NEW BALL GAME.
-OH, I GUESS IT'S TOO LATE.
-FOR WHAT?
-BUSTER BROWN'S.
YOU'RE GONNA NEED SHOES TO
GO WITH ALL THOSE NEW PANTS.
WE'LL JUST HAVE TO GO TOMORROW.
-AND THEN, IN A FLASH,
EVERYTHING WAS HORRIBLY CLEAR.
MOM WAS GOING TO TAKE ME
SHOPPING IN THE AFTERNOON
FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.
-LOOK, MOM, I HAVE A
FOOTBALL GAME TOMORROW.
-YEAH. WELL, WE CAN
TALK ABOUT THAT LATER.
-UNH-UNH.
WE WERE GONNA HAVE
THIS OUT RIGHT HERE, RIGHT...
-HONEY, ARE YOU OKAY?
-IT'S A TOUGH TIME IN LIFE
WHEN YOU'RE
STRUGGLING FOR MANHOOD
AND YOUR MOTHER STILL
OUTWEIGHS YOU BY 50 POUNDS.
I WAS LEFT WITH
ONLY ONE OPTION...
CALL IN THE HEAVY ARTILLERY.
-DAD? WE'VE GOT TO TALK.
-HUH?
-NO ONE HAD EVER ACTUALLY
SPOKEN TO MY FATHER
BEFORE HE PUT
DOWN HIS BRIEFCASE.
BUT I WAS GOING FOR BROKE.
-CAN YOU THINK OF
ONE GOOD REASON
WHY I SHOULDN'T BE ABLE TO PLAY
FOOTBALL WITH THE OTHER GUYS?
I MEAN, I BET YOU PLAYED
FOOTBALL WITHOUT ANY EQUIPMENT
WHEN YOU WERE A LITTLE KID,
AND I'VE BEEN PLAYING
FOR A VERY LONG TIME NOW,
AND NOTHING'S EVER
REALLY HAPPENED.
AND THE GUYS ARE REALLY
COUNTING ON ME TO PLAY TONIGHT.
-SO?
-SO CAN WE PLAY OR NOT?
-SURE. GO AHEAD.
-TOUCHDOWN!
-I DON'T THINK IT'S
A GOOD IDEA, JACK.
-YOU HEARD YOUR MOTHER.
-OKAY.
THAT DID IT!
-SO, I'LL PICK YOU UP
AT SCHOOL TOMORROW,
AND WE'LL GO FOR THOSE SHOES.
-THE LINES WERE DRAWN.
THE COURSE WAS UNALTERABLE.
-OKAY, HONEY?
-THIS WAS WAR.
-HEY, ARNOLD. NICE PANTS.
-OH, THANKS, HODGES.
NICE OF YOU TO NOTICE.
-YOU MISSED A GOOD
GAME YESTERDAY.
-YEAH. PAUL SET A NEW RECORD...
MOST DROPPED
PASSES IN A SCRIMMAGE.
WHERE WERE YOU, ANYWAY?
-OH, UH...
I HAD TO HELP MY DAD
CHANGE THE PLUGS
ON THE, UH, IMPALA.
YOU KNOW, YOU GOT
TO KEEP HER RUNNIN'.
-I DIDN'T THINK
"BARGAIN-HUNTING WITH MOM"
WOULD GO OVER VERY WELL.
-YEAH? UH, YOU
CHECK ALL THE GAPS?
-UH...
YEAH.
-HOW'D YOU GET YOUR
FINGERNAILS SO CLEAN?
YOU KNOW, USUALLY IT
TAKES ME A COUPLE DAYS...
-SO, UH, DID YOU GUYS WIN?
-OH, NO. WE LOST. WE
COULD'VE USED YOU, TOO!
JIMMY'S MOM
WOULDN'T LET HIM PLAY.
-CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT?
-WHAT A WUSS.
-YOU'LL BE THERE TONIGHT,
THOUGH, WON'T YOU?
-OH. SURE.
-ALL RIGHT.
-WELL, THIS'LL DO.
-DID YOU USE THE LAVA OR THE...
-LOOK, PAUL, I GOT TO
GET BACK TO WORK, OKAY?
-TIME TO MEET YOUR MAKER.
-WELL, THAT WAS
IT... DECISION TIME.
MOM HAS SPECIFICALLY
GIVEN ME AN ORDER...
MEET HER IN FRONT OF
THE SCHOOL AT THE BELL.
OR HAD SHE SAID
"MEET ME AT HOME"?
-MOM?
MOM?
I'M HOME.
HEY, MOM?!
-HMM, THAT'S ODD.
-ANYBODY HOME?!
-NOT LIKE MOM TO FORGET,
BUT HEY, WE ALL MAKE MISTAKES.
YEP, NO SENSE IN LAYING BLAME...
ESPECIALLY WHILE THERE
WAS STILL DAYLIGHT LEFT.
-PFEIFFER, YOU'RE LATE.
-AM I?
-YOU GUYS DIDN'T START
WITHOUT ME, DID YOU?
-OF COURSE. WOULDN'T BE A
BIG-LEAGUE GAME WITHOUT YOU.
-GUYS... HUMILIATING EACH OTHER,
HURTING EACH OTHER'S FEELINGS.
DID IT GET ANY BETTER THAN THIS?
UH-OH. CAUGHT RED-HANDED.
THERE WAS ONLY
ONE THING TO DO...
GO ON THE OFFENSIVE.
-♪ KEVIN! ♪
-MOM!
-KEVIN, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
-WELL...
-I SPECIFICALLY TOLD YOU
TO MEET ME IN FRONT
OF YOUR SCHOOL AT 3:00.
-I FORGOT.
-YOU FORGOT?
-YEAH.
-HOW COULD YOU
JUST FORGET, KEVIN?
-WELL, I THOUGHT YOU SAID
MEET ME IN FRONT OF
THE HOUSE AFTER SCHOOL.
-THAT'S REALLY WHAT
YOU THOUGHT I SAID?
-WELL, I'M NOT EXACTLY SURE
WHETHER YOU SAID THAT OR NOT.
-AW, HECK, THE WOMAN KNEW
WHAT UNDERWEAR I WAS WEARING.
WHY DID I EVEN TRY TO FIGHT IT?
-WELL, I SUPPOSE WE STILL HAVE
TIME TO MAKE IT TO THE STORE.
-NO!
I'M NOT COMING, MOM.
-WHAT?
-I'M PLAYING FOOTBALL.
-NOW, I THOUGHT WE AGREED
YOU WEREN'T GONNA PLAY ANYMORE.
-NO, I NEVER SAID THAT, MOM!
-WHAT DO YOU HAVE
AGAINST FOOTBALL, ANYWAY?
-YOU KNOW, DOUG PORTER
SHOULDN'T BE PLAYING FOOTBALL.
HE HAS BLADDER PROBLEMS.
-BLADDER PROBLEMS?
-HOW DID SHE KNOW THAT?!
WAS THERE A SECRET
NETWORK OF MOMS
WHO TRADED INSIDE
INFORMATION ABOUT BLADDERS
OVER BRIDGE TABLES
AND GROCERY CARTS?
-I JUST WORRY ABOUT
YOU, SWEETHEART.
-DON'T YOU HAVE ANYTHING
BETTER TO DO, MOM?
I MEAN, JUST STOP BABYING
ME. I CAN TAKE CARE OF MYSELF.
-WELL, IF YOU'RE GONNA GO...
GO.
-AND THEN I WAS FREE.
I WAS HIGHER THAN A KITE.
-GET HIM!
-I WAS UNSTOPPABLE.
-COME ON! COME ON!
-TOUCHDOWN!
TOUCHDOWN! WHOO-HOO!
-OKAY. NEW GAME.
-HEY, IT'S GETTING KIND OF LATE.
-YEAH. I-IT'S GETTING
COLD. IS ANYONE COLD?
-ARNOLD?
-NEW GAME.
LOSERS WALK.
-LET'S GO.
-HEY, KEV, YOU THINK
THIS IS A GOOD IDEA?
-OH, COME ON, PAUL.
DON'T BE SUCH A WUSS.
-WHOOPS. MAYBE THAT
WAS A LITTLE ROUGH.
-HEY, SORRY. I DIDN'T MEAN THAT.
-IT'S OKAY.
-BUT HECK, LET'S FACE
IT. I WAS FEELING MY OATS.
-ARE YOU READY?
-YEP, I'D FOUGHT A
BATTLE AND I'D WON.
THINGS WERE GONNA BE
DIFFERENT FROM NOW ON.
YEAH, THINGS WERE
GONNA BE ALL RIGHT.
AND THEN IT HIT ME.
ACTUALLY, CRAIG HOBSON HIT ME.
AND RANDY MITCHELL.
-AND MIKE DONOVAN.
-AFTER THAT, I KIND OF
STOPPED TAKING NAMES.
-MAN! THAT WAS AMAZING!
-COME ON, GUYS. GET OFF.
KEVIN?
YOU'RE BLEEDING.
-OKAY. YOUR BALL. FIRST DOWN.
-OKAY. ALL RIGHT.
THIS GAME IS OVER.
-SAYS WHO?
-SAYS ME.
THIS GAME IS CALLED ON
ACCOUNT OF DARKNESS.
AND THAT'S ALL. THERE'S
NOTHING ELSE TO SAY.
NOW, EVERYONE JUST GO HOME.
GO ON.
-HE'S PROBABLY RIGHT.
IT'S GETTING LATE.
-YEAH. I GOT DINNER.
-WE'LL DO IT AGAIN TOMORROW.
-WHAT ARE YOU, HIS MOTHER?
-HEY, WAIT A MINUTE!
I-I'M ALL RIGHT, GUYS!
WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
I'M...
FINE...
-BUT I WASN'T. NOT REALLY.
BY THE TIME I GOT HOME, MY
HAND FELT LIKE A FIVE-ALARM FIRE.
-KEVIN, ARE YOU HURT?
-I WANTED TO ANSWER "YES,"
THAT I WAS HURT, THAT
I NEEDED COMFORT.
-NO, MOM.
I'M OKAY.
-AND I KNEW SHE
WANTED TO COMFORT ME,
TO MAKE EVERYTHING BETTER.
-WELL, THERE'S SOME IODINE
IN THE MEDICINE CABINET
IN THE BATHROOM.
GAUZE IF YOU NEED
SOMETHING TO WRAP IT IN.
-IN THE MEDICINE CABINET?
-MM-HMM.
-EVERY WAR HAS ITS CASUALTIES
AND EVERY VICTORY ITS PRICE.
BUT LIFE GOES ON.
NOTHING REALLY
CHANGED THAT NIGHT.
NOTHING BIG, ANYWAY.
JUST A VERY LITTLE PIECE
OF SOMETHING THAT WAS
NEVER GONNA BE THE SAME.
NOT EVER.
THE THING IS, IT'S HARD TO TIE A
BANDAGE WITH JUST ONE HAND.
SOONER OR LATER, THOUGH...
YOU LEARN.
-♪ YESTERDAY A CHILD
CAME OUT TO WANDER ♪
♪ CAUGHT A DRAGONFLY
INSIDE A JAR ♪
♪ FEARFUL WHEN THE SKY
WAS FULL OF THUNDER ♪
♪ AND TEARFUL AT THE
FALLING OF A STAR ♪
♪ AND THE SEASONS, THEY
GO 'ROUND AND 'ROUND ♪
♪ AND THE PAINTED
PONIES GO UP AND DOWN ♪
♪ WE'RE CAPTIVE ON
THE CAROUSEL OF TIME ♪
♪ WE CAN'T RETURN ♪
♪ WE CAN ONLY LOOK BEHIND
FROM WHERE WE CAME ♪
♪ AND GO 'ROUND AND
'ROUND AND 'ROUND ♪
♪ IN THE CIRCLE GAME ♪
♪ THEN THE CHILD MOVED TEN
TIMES 'ROUND THE SEASONS ♪