The Wilds (2019–…): Season 2, Episode 4 - Day 42/15 - full transcript
Forty, forty-one,
forty-two.
Forty-two
days on this dumb-fuck rock.
You've really
commandeered that journal, hmm?
Yeah, for some truly
masochistic reason,
I like to think about what I'd
be doing at any given moment,
like if none of this
had happened.
And what would you
be doing right now?
Well, I'd probably be
at the med-spa,
getting my pubes lasered off.
It was my pre-Majorca ritual.
My family
always goes this week.
What week even is it?
You know, time here
is like a flat circle.
I have no idea.
Today is July 18th.
Holy shit.
What's up?
Oh, it's my birthday today,
you know?
Big 1-8.
No.
No, Fatin. You can't
tell the others, please?
Okay, okay, okay.
Hear me out.
I can, and I will.
Fatin,
I don't do birthdays.
They're stupid,
and self-centered, and...
"Congrats to me, at me.
"I slid out of a vag.
Time to throw myself
a friend parade."
You put this to bed now.
Guess what, bitches?
Ice the booze... and get horny.
It's Dorothy's
motherfucking birthday.
How much longer
do I have to do this?
Well,
that kind of depends on you.
But I've been down there
with him for hours
and I can't tell
if I'm getting, like,
warm, cold, mild,
or just, like, nowhere.
I've told you
everything I can.
Something happened
15 days in,
and none of the boys
will talk about it.
What's this sudden hesitation
about?
What, are you worried
that we won't hold up
our end of the bargain?
Yeah, there's that.
It's also the whole
"putting on an act" thing.
We're not all as good at it
as you are.
You're not
buying that, are you?
'Cause I think she puts on
a pretty good show.
I can't pretend I didn't fall
for her little
panic attack number.
Not your finest hour.
But if she can find out
what tore the boys apart,
we'll call it a wash.
Wow, you're still harboring
some pretty serious hostility
toward her.
Doesn't feel good
getting worked over like that.
Oh, much better
to be on this side
of the manipulation game,
isn't it?
You know what I think
you might need?
A little good faith gesture
on our part.
Transcripts
from the several calls
that Jeff made to you,
to one of your teachers,
even to the authorities,
inquiring about your welfare.
They're real?
He did try for you, Leah.
So tenaciously, in fact,
that it's become
a bit of a problem for us.
You wouldn't hurt him.
We'll make good if you do.
You come through for us on this
and we can
and will let you call him.
Whoa. What's wrong?
Are you okay?
Shh, I thought
I heard voices.
- Did someone follow you?
- Shh.
Okay. I don't think this,
what we're doing here,
I don't know
if it's gonna work.
Sounds like a breakup speech.
Please don't joke.
It's not working fast enough.
Time is, like, slipping by
and every second, I feel closer
to getting caught.
Do you want to sit and breathe
for a sec?
We don't have much longer.
We have to make a move.
Leah.
Have some.
It's not my favorite flavor.
It's the only one that comes
in a green bottle.
Did you know that?
My family, we used
to lug all our bottles
to the recycling place
for cash.
The green bottles
aren't worth as much,
so my mom would let me
keep these ones.
I'd stack 'em in my bedroom
on the west wall,
and when the sun set
and the light hit it,
looked like jewels.
We need to get home.
Yeah, I know.
I know.
So this move
we need to make...
how's it start?
With more of us.
We find some of the others,
bring them in.
And I know the girls, and I
know who to start with, but...
But I need to know
your people now.
Their strengths,
their weaknesses.
Who we can trust.
There was this time...
this day, actually...
where we really learned a lot
about each other.
It was the day we decided to...
Surround that big
fucking cat on all sides,
armed with the baddest spears
we can make,
then basically just
stab the shit out of it.
Stab, stab, stab!
Ha ha. Dead jaguar.
This is the play
you want us to run?
I don't even know
what I'm looking at here.
Looks like a human cell,
like how we had
to draw it in biology?
Is that a ribosome right there?
That's obviously the jag!
Bo, is that
not obviously the jag?
I wouldn't say "obviously."
Can't just run up
and stab it, dawg.
This isn't the hood.
"The hood"?
Bitch,
you don't know my life.
For all you know, I could live
in one of those red brick,
good trick-or-treating-type
communities.
He doesn't.
Okay.
Well, if my idea sucks,
let's see you come up
with one on your own.
Or would that make
your jalopy-ass brain overheat,
you fucking dumb-dumb?
The fuck did you just call me?
You heard me,
big bird-ass bitch.
Whoa, guys,
you guys. Chill.
Everyone's got
a point here, right?
Kirin's right,
a direct attack
would probably be
a suicide mission.
But, Scotty, you're definitely
onto something with the spears.
Easily our best bet,
weapons-wise.
Badges, what do you think?
Well, whatever we do,
it's got to be from a distance.
We don't have any
long-range firearms.
- Guess that means a trap.
- Okay.
I don't know
if what I'm imagining is,
like, a legit thing or just
some Indiana Jones bullshit,
but what if we, like,
make a thatch trap
that the jag could,
like, fall through?
Oh, hell yeah, right
onto some sharp-ass spears.
Yes.
Yes. Why not?
Proper term
is a pit-fall trap,
but, yes, theoretically,
that could do the job.
Nice, nice, nice.
So now all we need
is a pit big enough.
Could we dig one?
What if we
cleared out the bunker?
Yes! Fuck yes!
We spike the bunker.
Okay.
I'm new here.
But cats are brilliant, right?
Like, I know she's not just
gonna sashay over and fall in.
Maybe we can bait it.
You know, like,
with the turkey jerky.
Bo, yes!
Fucking killer.
Okay. Will the jerky be enough?
I mean, we could throw
some of that SPAM in there too,
you know, make like
a shitty meat soufflé.
Holy shit.
Did we just do this?
Did we just
figure this thing out?
'Cause I feel like we figured
this fucking thing out!
Guys, bring it in.
Yeah. I know it's super cheesy,
but humor me, please.
"Kill a motherfucking jag,"
on three.
- One, two...
- Kill a motherfucking jag!
All right.
We need spear makers,
a cleared bunker,
and wood for the spears.
I'm on chop duty.
Who'd have thought
that Second City improv
would come in clutch
on a deserted island?
Big famous improv school?
They teach you how to collab,
say "Yes, and?"
Okay, no.
Forget it, noob.
Oh, shit, dude.
What the fuck?
Oh, shit, dude, you had
a fire ant on you. Oh, my god.
Oh, shit.
You got one too!
Oh, fuck you.
Fuck you.
You got one too.
Oh, fuck. You got one too.
Oh, no.
Spillz. Can you and I team up,
like, for one of the tasks?
Um, oh, shit.
I would love to,
but I got to go with Kirin
to collect some raw materials.
Uh, do y...
do you think that
you could do me a solid
and head to the bunker
with Raf?
Yeah, yeah.
Of course.
Team Saint J.
I'm just gonna go take my meds,
then we can skedaddle.
Hey, you know
that I would go with you.
It's just that,
this isn't gonna work
unless me and Jock Itch
get on the same page.
- No, I get it. All good.
- Yeah.
An actual 50-year-old...
trapped in teenage form.
She is 18 today,
people.
Which means
she can legally vote,
she can buy porn,
and she is officially
no longer of sexual interest
to Jeffrey Galanis.
Oh, my God. Why?
It makes me
a little sad, actually,
'cause I'm sure Dot would
rather spend her birthday
at, like, a laser tag place
or hibachi restaurant
or literally anywhere else.
But instead,
she's hanging out
with our sorry asses
and this bottle of brut
from... Idaho.
Jesus, Barbara,
have some self-respect.
We have to go big.
We have to go big.
Hmm?
I said,
"That's why we have to go big."
All right. I'm talking
about a party here, y'all,
and not some sad little
round of applause, okay?
I'm talking a deluxe full-scale
absolute birthday blow-out.
Honestly, the way
I want it to play out,
we won't even need
the champagne.
- Yes, we will.
- Because we're gonna get
so freaking trashed on fun...
- And champagne.
That it's gonna
feel just like home, okay?
Not just for the birthday girl,
but for all of us.
All right.
Time to mobilize.
- Sorry.
- Oh, oh.
I was sort of
standing there, but...
Oh, my God.
This is exciting!
- Are you excited?
- Oh, my God. Yeah.
And I feel like
you're giving me
some major
divorced-dad-energy vibes,
like you're taking us
to Six Flags
because you feel guilty
for missing out
on the last five years
of our lives.
I didn't miss anything.
Okay. So, listen. I'm thinking
we do a surprise beach party.
Does Dot even like surprises?
She hates surprises,
end quote.
Okay. Let's stick
with a surprise, all right?
Today's about Dotty, okay?
We should give her exactly
what she'll learn to love.
All right. See, all right,
all right, all right.
It is all coming together
in my head now.
Moonlight, bonfire,
maybe even a little luau vibe.
Cultural appropriation.
I'm not even mad at it.
- Fatin, what's the date?
- July 18th.
Sweet baby, Jesus.
Eighteen on the 18th.
We have a golden birthday.
Okay. Okay, okay, okay, okay.
First things first, we gotta
keep her busy till go-time.
Fatin, Leah,
you're on Dot-distraction duty.
But, how do we even do that?
I delegate,
you figure it out.
Okay. Rachel, Martha, Babe.
On your feet.
Let's prep it here, and then
we'll set it up on the beach.
- What have you done?
- I think I've unleashed
some sort of party coke fiend.
Okay, I know he's off-theme,
but if you have a piñata,
you use him.
Am I right?
Good length.
Good reach.
What do we think?
Fine.
Man, I feel like I'm waiting
tables at Bandera again.
It's a restaurant in Chicago.
You can keep trying, dude,
but I see straight through you.
Yeah, y-you got me.
I-I never waited tables.
I was only a busboy.
Man, that's crazy perceptive.
How did you know that...
Not talking
about that, dude.
I'm talking
about your game here.
How you're working the group,
trying to be everyone's
favorite camp counselor.
Oh, that.
No. Y-you're right, Kirin.
I'm an evil genius.
And that's my diabolical plot,
to be nice to people.
Okay, maybe I want people
to like me.
Maybe that's not a maybe.
Okay, I definitely
want people to like me.
But that's not something
I'm, like, proud of.
But... look at me.
I mean, I-I'm out here making
jokes, tap dancing for you,
but you say and do
whatever the fuck you want,
not a single fuck given.
I'm not built like that.
And that's not some bullshit
I'm just saying
to get you to like me.
That's the...
that's the truth.
Whatever, dude.
Enough.
What's wrong?
Your meds not working?
Pick those up.
How's it going down there,
by the way? You still drippy?
Stop thinking about my dick...
and pick those up, like I said.
I see right through you too.
And the tough-guy thing
isn't gonna work either, dude.
Now what I will say,
now that we cleared the air,
that clap thing aside...
No, I wish that I could just...
I wish I could just
fuck random girls like you.
But with me, it's like,
as soon as I zero-in
on someone, she's, like...
the only one that I see
and I'm like all-in.
Oh, ho, ho, ho.
You're that guy.
I'm the that-est that guy.
I got so committed last time,
that when my girlfriend
broke up with me,
I couldn't break up
with the cat.
The puss that good, huh?
Oh... yeah.
Really, really great.
But I meant I literally
took her cat, though.
Her parents
called it kidnapping.
I called it borrowing.
Creepshow.
It's actually why I'm here,
to "get perspective
and stop being so codependent,"
or whatever.
Listen, bro,
you gotta
play the field instead.
It's like they say,
"Always bring sand
to the beach."
Right, right.
"Bring sand to the beach."
No, it's good advice.
Oh!
Ha.
How cool is that?
I learned this at circus camp
when I was a kid.
Maybe try and stay on task?
Yeah.
It's crazy that we don't
know each other better.
Like, why aren't you
in the Latinx club?
I'm not of the decent, but
they let me sit in to learn.
By the way,
which do you prefer?
Hispanic, Latino?
Mexican is fine.
You're saying
that I can say it?
You're, like,
giving me a pass right now?
Mexican isn't a slur, Josh.
I know, right?
Like, I always tell my family
not to wear sombreros
on Cinco de Mayo.
They don't get
how their appropriation
white-washes the spirit
of anti-colonial resistance.
Really learned a lot
in that club there.
I have.
And that is why I only
celebrate Día de los Muertos,
good ol' Mexican Halloween.
Mexican Halloween?
Now, he did not
actually call it that.
He did. He took a sacred,
centuries-old tradition
and Caucasianed
the hell out of it.
He had gotten so much right.
Like, I was actually
starting to root for him.
Me too.
Still am, actually.
But why didn't you stop him?
Explain to him
where he had gone wrong?
It's his problem, not mine.
No, yeah.
I know.
I wasn't trying to say that
it was your responsibility.
I don't know.
I've learned that if
you let people talk like that,
they end up revealing a lot
about themselves.
It's like the one okay thing
about being the quiet guy.
I don't tell on myself
as much.
Maybe the saying is right...
less is more.
Behold.
Excalibur.
Chhh!
Always doing the most, man.
Yo, Ivan?
Look, I love it.
You know,
you're getting into it,
feeling the
Wakanda-forever shit, but I...
No.
I do not do the MCU, Skippy.
I'm not a philistine.
This is Camelot, you know?
This is Arthurian.
Yeah, see.
That's...
that's what I'm tryna
talk to you about.
I mean, do you really got to be
so extra all the time?
I don't know.
Do you have to be so short?
So petite?
So absolutely chode-sized?
That was a good one.
Yeah, no.
All I'm saying is,
you know,
we got to stay on task
to get shit done.
So, like, maybe quit
prancing around and man up?
Wow. I cannot believe
this bullshit followed me here.
You know, you do understand
that we share
a common enemy, right?
But because of gender policers
like you
who don't like my crop tops or
my so-called broken wrists...
Man,
I didn't even say all that.
I mean, I don't have the
time to explain subtext to you,
but you actually
and totally did.
I'm not
taking sides here.
I cannot stress enough,
no sides.
But for the sake
of the trap, Ivan,
your spear has to be
a little more... functional.
Exactly! Thanks
for taking my side, man.
I'll have you know,
my spear is very functional.
But more importantly,
it's a statement.
Jesus fucking Christ.
The jag doesn't care
about your statement.
It's trying to kill us.
A-and it's gonna take some
real men to kill it first.
Tell me, Scotty.
What makes you a real man?
A lot of shit.
I like to stand when I piss.
I like a big breakfast.
And I do everything I can
to hustle hard
and save up money
to support my fucking family.
Oh. You know what?
I can't tell if that's sweet,
or just a clichéd rap bar.
You know what?
Fuck you, you fucking pussy.
Look alive, boys.
Yeah.
We come bearing gifts.
Yo, what the fuck is that?
Bait.
- Like, real bait.
- It stinks.
Which is why
it'll be an affective lure,
better than the jerky even.
Well done.
Scout's salute.
What have you fuckers
been up to, huh?
Making wands?
Yeah, okay.
And the fucking pile-on.
She's not a wand.
Man, you guys did
some fucking damage.
All right. When we finish
sharpening this new batch,
let's take it to the bunker.
This is gonna fucking work.
Fuck.
Hey, hey, hey, hey!
There she is.
Excited much?
Dorothy!
Where are you going?
I'm dragging this log
back to camp.
I thought we could use it as
a crossbeam or, like, seating.
Can't let you do that, pal.
Yeah. Camp's a no-go zone.
Pal?
What are you talking about?
The others are over there.
They're doing Tai Chi.
Capoeira.
Yeah,
one of those martial arts.
It's also very gentle.
But, yeah.
Anyways, it's very sacred
and we can't interrupt.
- Is she okay?
- Oh, yeah.
Just Leah.
Honestly, though, do you mind
coming back for the log
and helping us
snare some birds?
Martha's not feeling up
for the hunt.
What's wrong with her?
Is she okay?
I mean, I don't want
to be indiscreet,
but it is spelled D-I-A-H-H,
or...
She's just fine.
Just a stomachache.
It's...
So you'll
come with us, right? Yeah?
I mean, you're terrible
with a slingshot,
but I'd rather arm you
than this nutjob.
Yeah. Let's just
get this over with.
It just keeps coming out.
Just keeps coming out.
Nailed it, right?
We figured
Dot's fucking classic,
so we kept it simple,
earthy.
And I stuck some little
four-leaf clovers
on there for luck.
But... well, I mean, they're
not actual four-leaf clovers.
I just split one
of the leaves to fake it.
So, what do you think?
Ladies, I do not have time
to be anything
but straightforward here,
all right?
It's a no.
Like an epic no.
I said make a crown.
This... this is like
a sad wreath.
And if I saw it
hanging on somebody's door,
I would say to myself, "Whoever
lives in there has given up."
Wow, Shelby.
- I'm sorry.
- It's fine, Martha.
I'm just a little disappointed.
Not in you, all right,
just the work, okay?
And in Toni.
Oh. Oh, okay.
Here it comes.
Drag me.
Babe, you know
my taste better than this.
Would it kill you
to add some color?
Blossoms, berries,
anything to make it pop?
Yeah. Heard, heard.
I'll take another crack at it.
Thank you.
I know I'm being tough.
I just... I want this
to be amazing, okay?
I know, Bee. I got you.
We'll come through.
Are you like a clone?
Seriously, like,
are you even you?
Because the Toni that I know
would have given her
a roundhouse kick
for that attitude.
God, shut up.
It's cute on her.
Fucking sexy, actually.
Okay, ew. Stop it.
Cringe.
Seriously, though.
I'm really loving
how happy she's made you.
And I've never seen you
so mellow.
Yeah. It's great.
But also weird.
Like, I don't know.
I've got, like, a real faith
in her or something.
Like, there's no hiding
and no secrets.
Makes me feel sort of safe,
which is new.
Beach party setup's
looking good, okay?
I set up the tikis already,
rigged up a little limbo game,
and I probably
shouldn't talk it up,
but my sandcastle cake
is a fucking work of art.
Hey, check it.
I made a little mock-up.
Three tiers, shells all over,
sparklers as toppers.
Well,
I'm sure it's stunning.
And I cannot wait to see it.
You know, the others need
to take a page
out of your playbook
'cause you're, like,
the only person
making my life easier today.
Yeah. Happy... happy
to do that for you.
We might pull this off.
Like, this might actually
be magical.
Friends, champagne,
perfect weather,
beautiful scenery...
Just slow your fucking roll.
Just maybe like don't get
so poetic about this island.
It's not fucking paradise.
Oh, God.
Rachel, I'm so sorry.
I did not mean to say
that this island was, like...
or that I don't want to get
off this island because I...
Rachel, that was just
incredibly thoughtless of me.
- It's okay.
- No, it's not.
I shouldn't have even
tasked you with anything.
Is it too much?
How are you?
Shelby, it's fine.
I'm fine.
I'm cool.
I'm just a little touchy today,
but I'm fine.
Really.
Like, really,
you got to get out there
and see my three-tier,
god-tier fucking masterpiece.
I'm sure it's magnificent.
Yeah.
High-five.
Well, it's more
of a low-five for me,
but here's to the last one.
Sorry I stayed up here,
by the way.
My claustrophobia...
it's probably the worst phobia.
Well, there's xeno.
Super glad
I don't have that one.
Oh, I am so sorry.
What do you think
he'd rate it?
Oh, a... seven.
Yeah, like a level-seven
documentation regurgitation.
Pretty good.
That's pretty good.
Thank you.
Do you think Seth would let me
intern for Spillz?
Man, I would do anything
for that gig,
except move to Chicago.
My sinuses would not last a day
in that climate. I...
Sorry.
Sorry, I don't mean
to talk so much.
I... I know it's a lot.
Yeah, maybe.
No offense.
I didn't say much at all
till I was seven actually.
I had this lisp
that I felt weird about.
Once it went away, I guess I
sort of made up for lost time.
Once at dinner,
my dad goes to my mom,
"I'm beginning to regret
spending all that money
on Dr. Brimmer."
The speech therapist.
Man, that's tough.
They are tough.
That is their thing. Ha.
Which worked
on my brother and sister,
who were basically superhumans.
Like, they are crazy popular.
They played volleyball at USC.
And they both do modeling
for a sustainable
orthodontics company.
Meanwhile, I'm over here
with not a huge ton
of friends
and a propensity
to get stress hives.
That's why they sent me
on this retreat actually,
to be less like that.
"Learn a little grit,"
my mom said.
Maybe it's working.
You think?
You're surviving.
Making friends.
San Diego!
Come on, boys.
Let's make us a trap.
- Let's get into it.
- All right!
Let's get to work.
- Can you get me a rope?
- Yeah.
Two more here.
Two down here, at least two.
Just checking.
You need any more?
You guys think we could
all put our hands in
and do that shout again?
- What? I liked it.
- No.
Now that we're on ground zero,
we have to be as stealthy
as the jag we're hunting.
Shh.
Surprise!
Yeah!
I hate you.
- All of you.
- We love you too, Dorothy.
Well, not that
I didn't see it coming,
because you have
a shit-ass poker face.
Okay, so I'm not
a smooth person.
Moving on.
You are
a hard-ass working queen.
And...
Retired.
Oh, my God.
You...
Fatin might have
been the leak,
but I know
you were behind this.
All right.
Enough of that.
Let's get this party started!
♪ Clap, clap, slow clap ♪
♪ Been the champion,
rang the bell ♪
♪ Rocked the bottom,
been through hell ♪
♪ Climbed the mountain,
now I'm well ♪
♪ I just feel like
coming back for the belt ♪
♪ I've been slipping
and slipping ♪
♪ But now I'm back
for double-dipping ♪
♪ Who am I kidding?
I'm winning ♪
♪ My gentleman is for myself ♪
♪ I'm throwin' a Hail Mary
to no one else ♪
♪ That's why I'm cheering
for myself ♪
♪ Come on, clap, clap, clap,
clap, clap, clap ♪
♪ Clap, de-clap, de-clap,
clap, slow clap ♪
♪ Walk into the room
like a boss, slow clap ♪
♪ Putting on a little
extra sauce, slow clap ♪
♪ Clap, clap, clap,
clap, clap, clap ♪
♪ Clap, de-clap, de-clap,
clap, slow clap ♪
♪ Sidestepping people
down the hall, slow clap ♪
♪ Winter, spring or summer,
or the fall, slow clap ♪
♪ I don't wanna go
to the back of the line ♪
♪ No, no, I put in my time ♪
♪ From the garage
to the penthouse, girls ♪
♪ Underdog
to the top of the world ♪
♪ Clap, clap, clap,
clap, clap, clap ♪
♪ Clap, de-clap, de-clap,
clap, slow clap ♪
♪ Walk into the room
like a boss, slow clap ♪
♪ Puttin' on a little
extra sauce, slow clap ♪
♪ Clap, clap, clap,
clap, clap, clap ♪
♪ Clap, de-clap, de-clap,
clap, slow clap ♪
♪ Sidestepping people
down the hall, slow clap ♪♪
Listen, um...
With what I'm about to say,
just know that the bar
is really low, but...
This is the best birthday
that I've ever had.
My best birthday
was two years ago,
and Toni snuck us
into a casino.
Yeah. Oh, yeah.
Marty over here wanted to
go see those nerdy magicians.
It was Penn and Teller,
and they're illusionists.
Okay, I was
the illusionist,
sliding us past
that asshole bouncer.
Well, as memorable
as that sounds,
my sweet 16 had you beat.
It was a "Great Gatsby" theme.
And we actually rented
like an old car.
And the best part was
when my dad surprised me
with a birthday video
from none other than...
Joel Scott Osteen.
I...
What? That was...
It was good. I loved it.
This just, like,
kind of reminds me...
That I only have one birthday
to celebrate from now on.
Not two.
So fuck all your birthdays.
I got this.
- Dot, no.
- What?
Maybe you should, like,
just act your age for once.
Well, I'm actually
an adult now, so...
Okay.
Then don't act your age.
That's our real gift to you.
You're retired, honey,
just like Barbara.
Let me take this one,
all right?
This isn't gonna work.
Man, why would you say that?
You pitched the trap.
Yeah, Hen,
don't relapse on me.
I'm not saying
we're gonna die.
I just think
we'll have to pivot.
Statistically speaking,
first plans never work.
Have you ever seen the
early drafts of "Bugs Bunny,"
as sketched
by the original artist?
Oh, yeah.
Yes, I have.
You have?
No, shithead.
I was fucking with you.
Why would I have seen that?
Anyway, they're horrifying.
Bugs looks like
a DMT hallucination.
It's still alive.
Fuck. It's rearing back.
It's gonna fucking get out.
Ivan, throw it to me!
Aah!
Aah!
Uhh!
Ooh ooh ooh ooh,
ah ah ah ah,
ooh ooh ooh ooh,
ah ah ah ah,
ooh ooh ooh ooh,
ah ah ah ah,
ooh ooh ooh ooh,
ah ah ah ah,
ooh ooh ooh ooh, ah ah ah ah,
Aaaaah!
Yea-ea-ah!
Ha ha ha.
Oh, man.
Just whole DNA lacking rhythm.
I mean, that boy look like he
dancing for KitKot, not TikTok.
Hey, I just want to say,
you know,
you really held it down
at the bunker.
Hmm, while you ran.
- How virile of you.
- I had to.
One of us always dies
in that scenario.
Wasn't gonna be me.
Look, I know it's your style,
but you can't
just joke your way back
to congeniality with me, okay?
I need, like, a reckoning.
Look, man,
I was getting there, all right?
It's... it's my bad
about earlier,
all that shit I said.
I was out of line.
You know, I don't even...
I don't know
where it comes from
or, like, why I feel like that,
but... sorry.
We're cool.
Oh. Oh!
- Okay. Hey.
- Okay, okay.
Wakanda forever, my brother.
I am the Jag Slayer!
I am gladiator!
Oh, no.
I'm not letting him
steal all the shine for this.
- Go get it.
- Take me northward!
Yeah, yeah, lift him.
I said...
Big boy, here ya go!
Yes, Warrior O'Connor.
Yes, you may have
dealt the final blow,
but what is a knight
without his steel?
If not for
my weaponry excellence,
what the fuck then?
Is not the real hero
of the hour...
Okay, where is she?
Your spear is in there.
It was pretty gross.
Excalibur died for us.
She made
the ultimate sacrifice!
We put her through...
You should be up
on some shoulders,
getting the Gatorade bath.
Oh, nah.
We tossed her in.
Come on. You basically
put this whole thing together.
"Yes, and" style.
Hey.
This...
This is all you, man.
No, no.
Hey, while we're
spreading the glory around,
give it up to the guy
who kind of got us going.
The man with a plan,
Seth "Spillz" Novak.
Yes!
Speech, speech!
No, no, no.
No... okay, okay.
I might have
a tight five in me. Uh...
How is everybody doing tonight?
We are good!
Hey, is anyone here
on a date?
How about any newlyweds in
the audience, recently married?
No? Okay.
And castaways?
Anyone here stranded
on a deserted fucking island?
Yes!
All of us!
You know, I...
I vividly remember the day
that I met each of you.
Not that there's anything
particularly special
about any of you, but because
who could possibly forget
a catastrophic
fucking plane crash?
No, but seriously, you...
you all left big impressions
on me that day.
I remember Scotty and Bo,
so clearly
each other's ride-or-die.
I bet you didn't think
that "die" would be
a literal possibility, huh?
- No. No, I didn't.
- No? Okay.
I remember Ivan
with his sick loafers.
And, look, I know
that they're worse for wear,
but maybe
I can borrow 'em one day.
- We'll talk.
- We will. We'll talk.
Josh, who after, like,
half an hour of knowing him,
had already offered me,
like, six homeopathic remedies
and a Schedule II drug.
Nice.
And I don't remember Henry
'cause I don't have to.
Okay?
And Kirin,
who I first wrote off
as a juicehead asshole.
Seriously, man, when are you
gonna change my mind on that?
Oh!
Spillz, you little piss-ant.
Fuck you.
I'm kidding. I'm kidding.
Please don't hurt me.
Please, sit down.
No, seriously,
without your "act first,
think later" attitude,
I mean, you've helped us
more than once, man.
So, respect.
And then, there's Raf.
You know, there's no joke here,
man, there's no punchline.
We stared down some dark shit
together that first day,
and... I don't know
if it's man-of-few-words thing,
but you have this calm
about you that saved my sanity.
Fuck. We were strangers.
We were strangers
who came together.
And, what did we fucking do?!
We were strangers
who came together
and we killed
a motherfucking jag!
Nice shit, bruh.
- Whoo!
- Oh!
Nuclear pantsing, dawg!
Nuclear pantsing!
What the fuck, man?
Oh... oh, wait...
Aw, boo!
Come back!
Aw, come on, fuckers.
Let's drink!
Whoo!
It won't go away.
The pain?
I understand.
My best friend...
killed herself last year.
I know that blame is hard
to put on one person...
But I deserve a lot of it.
I kissed her.
But when her parents found out,
I told them
it was the other way around.
Got everyone to believe
that she was wrong, sick.
I got her believing it too.
The guilt.
The shame I felt.
Sometimes I even wanted
to... follow her.
What was her name?
Becca.
And how did you, like, pull
yourself up and out of that?
Dear Lord, you are my shield,
my defender.
You're my healing,
my provider.
You're my peace.
You're my joy, my wisdom,
and my strength.
You are the glory and the one
who will lift my head high.
It was my faith.
And just holding on
to those words:
"Dear Lord, you are my shield,
my defender," the whole thing.
Just over and over again,
like a mantra.
Just sort of
made me feel steady.
Until one day,
I actually was.
Dear Lord.
- You are my shield.
- You are my shield.
- My defender.
- My defender.
- You're my peace.
- You're my peace.
- You're my joy.
- You're my joy.
My wisdom and my strength.
My wisdom and my strength.
- You are the glory.
- You are the glory.
And the one
that will lift my head high.
And the one
that will lift my head high.
Amen.
Amen.
There he is!
Oh.
I was worried about you,
man.
Bro, you have just got to...
you just got to, like,
not even let it get to you
'cause that is how they win.
Trust me. Ha.
I know exactly how you feel.
Like, this one time,
I got pantsed by Chloe King
during my sixth grade
spelling bee. Ugh!
It was like
the exact same thing,
except my underwear stayed up
and I was spelling "amnesty"
at the time.
Oh, and this isn't pantsing,
but one time, my brother
made me lick the toilet seat.
But not the top.
The underside of the seat.
Josh.
Thank you, really.
But I'm good.
Anytime, man.
Except now,
because bedtime.
Good night, Joshy.
Ha.
Ah.
I wasn't there, you know?
I was with the others,
so, you know,
this is what I heard after.
Keep going, please.
I'm not supposed
to tell anyone.
But, I don't know.
Sometimes I just...
I want to say it out loud.
I have to hear it out loud.
He went to him.
And he, uh...
Raf.
They're listening.
We'll find another way.
I'll find another way.
I'm actually too tired.
Sorry.
Whoa.
Wait, what just happened?
She had him.
She had him on the threshold.
And she stopped him.
She fucking snaked us.
I'll go intercept her.
I'll sit her back down,
and we'll regroup.
- No.
- No.
I hate
seeing promising people.
Such a bitter pill
when they disappoint you.
Seth?
Do you think
I'm like you?
Do you think I'm like you?
- Do you think I'm like you?!
- What did I do?
I'm nothing
fucking like you!
I'm nothing fucking like you.
Nothing.
Nothing. Nothing.
Don't.
Don't you move!
I'm nothing like you,
I'm nothing like you.
I'm nothing...
I'm nothing fucking like you.
Beep, beep.
Coming through.
forty-two.
Forty-two
days on this dumb-fuck rock.
You've really
commandeered that journal, hmm?
Yeah, for some truly
masochistic reason,
I like to think about what I'd
be doing at any given moment,
like if none of this
had happened.
And what would you
be doing right now?
Well, I'd probably be
at the med-spa,
getting my pubes lasered off.
It was my pre-Majorca ritual.
My family
always goes this week.
What week even is it?
You know, time here
is like a flat circle.
I have no idea.
Today is July 18th.
Holy shit.
What's up?
Oh, it's my birthday today,
you know?
Big 1-8.
No.
No, Fatin. You can't
tell the others, please?
Okay, okay, okay.
Hear me out.
I can, and I will.
Fatin,
I don't do birthdays.
They're stupid,
and self-centered, and...
"Congrats to me, at me.
"I slid out of a vag.
Time to throw myself
a friend parade."
You put this to bed now.
Guess what, bitches?
Ice the booze... and get horny.
It's Dorothy's
motherfucking birthday.
How much longer
do I have to do this?
Well,
that kind of depends on you.
But I've been down there
with him for hours
and I can't tell
if I'm getting, like,
warm, cold, mild,
or just, like, nowhere.
I've told you
everything I can.
Something happened
15 days in,
and none of the boys
will talk about it.
What's this sudden hesitation
about?
What, are you worried
that we won't hold up
our end of the bargain?
Yeah, there's that.
It's also the whole
"putting on an act" thing.
We're not all as good at it
as you are.
You're not
buying that, are you?
'Cause I think she puts on
a pretty good show.
I can't pretend I didn't fall
for her little
panic attack number.
Not your finest hour.
But if she can find out
what tore the boys apart,
we'll call it a wash.
Wow, you're still harboring
some pretty serious hostility
toward her.
Doesn't feel good
getting worked over like that.
Oh, much better
to be on this side
of the manipulation game,
isn't it?
You know what I think
you might need?
A little good faith gesture
on our part.
Transcripts
from the several calls
that Jeff made to you,
to one of your teachers,
even to the authorities,
inquiring about your welfare.
They're real?
He did try for you, Leah.
So tenaciously, in fact,
that it's become
a bit of a problem for us.
You wouldn't hurt him.
We'll make good if you do.
You come through for us on this
and we can
and will let you call him.
Whoa. What's wrong?
Are you okay?
Shh, I thought
I heard voices.
- Did someone follow you?
- Shh.
Okay. I don't think this,
what we're doing here,
I don't know
if it's gonna work.
Sounds like a breakup speech.
Please don't joke.
It's not working fast enough.
Time is, like, slipping by
and every second, I feel closer
to getting caught.
Do you want to sit and breathe
for a sec?
We don't have much longer.
We have to make a move.
Leah.
Have some.
It's not my favorite flavor.
It's the only one that comes
in a green bottle.
Did you know that?
My family, we used
to lug all our bottles
to the recycling place
for cash.
The green bottles
aren't worth as much,
so my mom would let me
keep these ones.
I'd stack 'em in my bedroom
on the west wall,
and when the sun set
and the light hit it,
looked like jewels.
We need to get home.
Yeah, I know.
I know.
So this move
we need to make...
how's it start?
With more of us.
We find some of the others,
bring them in.
And I know the girls, and I
know who to start with, but...
But I need to know
your people now.
Their strengths,
their weaknesses.
Who we can trust.
There was this time...
this day, actually...
where we really learned a lot
about each other.
It was the day we decided to...
Surround that big
fucking cat on all sides,
armed with the baddest spears
we can make,
then basically just
stab the shit out of it.
Stab, stab, stab!
Ha ha. Dead jaguar.
This is the play
you want us to run?
I don't even know
what I'm looking at here.
Looks like a human cell,
like how we had
to draw it in biology?
Is that a ribosome right there?
That's obviously the jag!
Bo, is that
not obviously the jag?
I wouldn't say "obviously."
Can't just run up
and stab it, dawg.
This isn't the hood.
"The hood"?
Bitch,
you don't know my life.
For all you know, I could live
in one of those red brick,
good trick-or-treating-type
communities.
He doesn't.
Okay.
Well, if my idea sucks,
let's see you come up
with one on your own.
Or would that make
your jalopy-ass brain overheat,
you fucking dumb-dumb?
The fuck did you just call me?
You heard me,
big bird-ass bitch.
Whoa, guys,
you guys. Chill.
Everyone's got
a point here, right?
Kirin's right,
a direct attack
would probably be
a suicide mission.
But, Scotty, you're definitely
onto something with the spears.
Easily our best bet,
weapons-wise.
Badges, what do you think?
Well, whatever we do,
it's got to be from a distance.
We don't have any
long-range firearms.
- Guess that means a trap.
- Okay.
I don't know
if what I'm imagining is,
like, a legit thing or just
some Indiana Jones bullshit,
but what if we, like,
make a thatch trap
that the jag could,
like, fall through?
Oh, hell yeah, right
onto some sharp-ass spears.
Yes.
Yes. Why not?
Proper term
is a pit-fall trap,
but, yes, theoretically,
that could do the job.
Nice, nice, nice.
So now all we need
is a pit big enough.
Could we dig one?
What if we
cleared out the bunker?
Yes! Fuck yes!
We spike the bunker.
Okay.
I'm new here.
But cats are brilliant, right?
Like, I know she's not just
gonna sashay over and fall in.
Maybe we can bait it.
You know, like,
with the turkey jerky.
Bo, yes!
Fucking killer.
Okay. Will the jerky be enough?
I mean, we could throw
some of that SPAM in there too,
you know, make like
a shitty meat soufflé.
Holy shit.
Did we just do this?
Did we just
figure this thing out?
'Cause I feel like we figured
this fucking thing out!
Guys, bring it in.
Yeah. I know it's super cheesy,
but humor me, please.
"Kill a motherfucking jag,"
on three.
- One, two...
- Kill a motherfucking jag!
All right.
We need spear makers,
a cleared bunker,
and wood for the spears.
I'm on chop duty.
Who'd have thought
that Second City improv
would come in clutch
on a deserted island?
Big famous improv school?
They teach you how to collab,
say "Yes, and?"
Okay, no.
Forget it, noob.
Oh, shit, dude.
What the fuck?
Oh, shit, dude, you had
a fire ant on you. Oh, my god.
Oh, shit.
You got one too!
Oh, fuck you.
Fuck you.
You got one too.
Oh, fuck. You got one too.
Oh, no.
Spillz. Can you and I team up,
like, for one of the tasks?
Um, oh, shit.
I would love to,
but I got to go with Kirin
to collect some raw materials.
Uh, do y...
do you think that
you could do me a solid
and head to the bunker
with Raf?
Yeah, yeah.
Of course.
Team Saint J.
I'm just gonna go take my meds,
then we can skedaddle.
Hey, you know
that I would go with you.
It's just that,
this isn't gonna work
unless me and Jock Itch
get on the same page.
- No, I get it. All good.
- Yeah.
An actual 50-year-old...
trapped in teenage form.
She is 18 today,
people.
Which means
she can legally vote,
she can buy porn,
and she is officially
no longer of sexual interest
to Jeffrey Galanis.
Oh, my God. Why?
It makes me
a little sad, actually,
'cause I'm sure Dot would
rather spend her birthday
at, like, a laser tag place
or hibachi restaurant
or literally anywhere else.
But instead,
she's hanging out
with our sorry asses
and this bottle of brut
from... Idaho.
Jesus, Barbara,
have some self-respect.
We have to go big.
We have to go big.
Hmm?
I said,
"That's why we have to go big."
All right. I'm talking
about a party here, y'all,
and not some sad little
round of applause, okay?
I'm talking a deluxe full-scale
absolute birthday blow-out.
Honestly, the way
I want it to play out,
we won't even need
the champagne.
- Yes, we will.
- Because we're gonna get
so freaking trashed on fun...
- And champagne.
That it's gonna
feel just like home, okay?
Not just for the birthday girl,
but for all of us.
All right.
Time to mobilize.
- Sorry.
- Oh, oh.
I was sort of
standing there, but...
Oh, my God.
This is exciting!
- Are you excited?
- Oh, my God. Yeah.
And I feel like
you're giving me
some major
divorced-dad-energy vibes,
like you're taking us
to Six Flags
because you feel guilty
for missing out
on the last five years
of our lives.
I didn't miss anything.
Okay. So, listen. I'm thinking
we do a surprise beach party.
Does Dot even like surprises?
She hates surprises,
end quote.
Okay. Let's stick
with a surprise, all right?
Today's about Dotty, okay?
We should give her exactly
what she'll learn to love.
All right. See, all right,
all right, all right.
It is all coming together
in my head now.
Moonlight, bonfire,
maybe even a little luau vibe.
Cultural appropriation.
I'm not even mad at it.
- Fatin, what's the date?
- July 18th.
Sweet baby, Jesus.
Eighteen on the 18th.
We have a golden birthday.
Okay. Okay, okay, okay, okay.
First things first, we gotta
keep her busy till go-time.
Fatin, Leah,
you're on Dot-distraction duty.
But, how do we even do that?
I delegate,
you figure it out.
Okay. Rachel, Martha, Babe.
On your feet.
Let's prep it here, and then
we'll set it up on the beach.
- What have you done?
- I think I've unleashed
some sort of party coke fiend.
Okay, I know he's off-theme,
but if you have a piñata,
you use him.
Am I right?
Good length.
Good reach.
What do we think?
Fine.
Man, I feel like I'm waiting
tables at Bandera again.
It's a restaurant in Chicago.
You can keep trying, dude,
but I see straight through you.
Yeah, y-you got me.
I-I never waited tables.
I was only a busboy.
Man, that's crazy perceptive.
How did you know that...
Not talking
about that, dude.
I'm talking
about your game here.
How you're working the group,
trying to be everyone's
favorite camp counselor.
Oh, that.
No. Y-you're right, Kirin.
I'm an evil genius.
And that's my diabolical plot,
to be nice to people.
Okay, maybe I want people
to like me.
Maybe that's not a maybe.
Okay, I definitely
want people to like me.
But that's not something
I'm, like, proud of.
But... look at me.
I mean, I-I'm out here making
jokes, tap dancing for you,
but you say and do
whatever the fuck you want,
not a single fuck given.
I'm not built like that.
And that's not some bullshit
I'm just saying
to get you to like me.
That's the...
that's the truth.
Whatever, dude.
Enough.
What's wrong?
Your meds not working?
Pick those up.
How's it going down there,
by the way? You still drippy?
Stop thinking about my dick...
and pick those up, like I said.
I see right through you too.
And the tough-guy thing
isn't gonna work either, dude.
Now what I will say,
now that we cleared the air,
that clap thing aside...
No, I wish that I could just...
I wish I could just
fuck random girls like you.
But with me, it's like,
as soon as I zero-in
on someone, she's, like...
the only one that I see
and I'm like all-in.
Oh, ho, ho, ho.
You're that guy.
I'm the that-est that guy.
I got so committed last time,
that when my girlfriend
broke up with me,
I couldn't break up
with the cat.
The puss that good, huh?
Oh... yeah.
Really, really great.
But I meant I literally
took her cat, though.
Her parents
called it kidnapping.
I called it borrowing.
Creepshow.
It's actually why I'm here,
to "get perspective
and stop being so codependent,"
or whatever.
Listen, bro,
you gotta
play the field instead.
It's like they say,
"Always bring sand
to the beach."
Right, right.
"Bring sand to the beach."
No, it's good advice.
Oh!
Ha.
How cool is that?
I learned this at circus camp
when I was a kid.
Maybe try and stay on task?
Yeah.
It's crazy that we don't
know each other better.
Like, why aren't you
in the Latinx club?
I'm not of the decent, but
they let me sit in to learn.
By the way,
which do you prefer?
Hispanic, Latino?
Mexican is fine.
You're saying
that I can say it?
You're, like,
giving me a pass right now?
Mexican isn't a slur, Josh.
I know, right?
Like, I always tell my family
not to wear sombreros
on Cinco de Mayo.
They don't get
how their appropriation
white-washes the spirit
of anti-colonial resistance.
Really learned a lot
in that club there.
I have.
And that is why I only
celebrate Día de los Muertos,
good ol' Mexican Halloween.
Mexican Halloween?
Now, he did not
actually call it that.
He did. He took a sacred,
centuries-old tradition
and Caucasianed
the hell out of it.
He had gotten so much right.
Like, I was actually
starting to root for him.
Me too.
Still am, actually.
But why didn't you stop him?
Explain to him
where he had gone wrong?
It's his problem, not mine.
No, yeah.
I know.
I wasn't trying to say that
it was your responsibility.
I don't know.
I've learned that if
you let people talk like that,
they end up revealing a lot
about themselves.
It's like the one okay thing
about being the quiet guy.
I don't tell on myself
as much.
Maybe the saying is right...
less is more.
Behold.
Excalibur.
Chhh!
Always doing the most, man.
Yo, Ivan?
Look, I love it.
You know,
you're getting into it,
feeling the
Wakanda-forever shit, but I...
No.
I do not do the MCU, Skippy.
I'm not a philistine.
This is Camelot, you know?
This is Arthurian.
Yeah, see.
That's...
that's what I'm tryna
talk to you about.
I mean, do you really got to be
so extra all the time?
I don't know.
Do you have to be so short?
So petite?
So absolutely chode-sized?
That was a good one.
Yeah, no.
All I'm saying is,
you know,
we got to stay on task
to get shit done.
So, like, maybe quit
prancing around and man up?
Wow. I cannot believe
this bullshit followed me here.
You know, you do understand
that we share
a common enemy, right?
But because of gender policers
like you
who don't like my crop tops or
my so-called broken wrists...
Man,
I didn't even say all that.
I mean, I don't have the
time to explain subtext to you,
but you actually
and totally did.
I'm not
taking sides here.
I cannot stress enough,
no sides.
But for the sake
of the trap, Ivan,
your spear has to be
a little more... functional.
Exactly! Thanks
for taking my side, man.
I'll have you know,
my spear is very functional.
But more importantly,
it's a statement.
Jesus fucking Christ.
The jag doesn't care
about your statement.
It's trying to kill us.
A-and it's gonna take some
real men to kill it first.
Tell me, Scotty.
What makes you a real man?
A lot of shit.
I like to stand when I piss.
I like a big breakfast.
And I do everything I can
to hustle hard
and save up money
to support my fucking family.
Oh. You know what?
I can't tell if that's sweet,
or just a clichéd rap bar.
You know what?
Fuck you, you fucking pussy.
Look alive, boys.
Yeah.
We come bearing gifts.
Yo, what the fuck is that?
Bait.
- Like, real bait.
- It stinks.
Which is why
it'll be an affective lure,
better than the jerky even.
Well done.
Scout's salute.
What have you fuckers
been up to, huh?
Making wands?
Yeah, okay.
And the fucking pile-on.
She's not a wand.
Man, you guys did
some fucking damage.
All right. When we finish
sharpening this new batch,
let's take it to the bunker.
This is gonna fucking work.
Fuck.
Hey, hey, hey, hey!
There she is.
Excited much?
Dorothy!
Where are you going?
I'm dragging this log
back to camp.
I thought we could use it as
a crossbeam or, like, seating.
Can't let you do that, pal.
Yeah. Camp's a no-go zone.
Pal?
What are you talking about?
The others are over there.
They're doing Tai Chi.
Capoeira.
Yeah,
one of those martial arts.
It's also very gentle.
But, yeah.
Anyways, it's very sacred
and we can't interrupt.
- Is she okay?
- Oh, yeah.
Just Leah.
Honestly, though, do you mind
coming back for the log
and helping us
snare some birds?
Martha's not feeling up
for the hunt.
What's wrong with her?
Is she okay?
I mean, I don't want
to be indiscreet,
but it is spelled D-I-A-H-H,
or...
She's just fine.
Just a stomachache.
It's...
So you'll
come with us, right? Yeah?
I mean, you're terrible
with a slingshot,
but I'd rather arm you
than this nutjob.
Yeah. Let's just
get this over with.
It just keeps coming out.
Just keeps coming out.
Nailed it, right?
We figured
Dot's fucking classic,
so we kept it simple,
earthy.
And I stuck some little
four-leaf clovers
on there for luck.
But... well, I mean, they're
not actual four-leaf clovers.
I just split one
of the leaves to fake it.
So, what do you think?
Ladies, I do not have time
to be anything
but straightforward here,
all right?
It's a no.
Like an epic no.
I said make a crown.
This... this is like
a sad wreath.
And if I saw it
hanging on somebody's door,
I would say to myself, "Whoever
lives in there has given up."
Wow, Shelby.
- I'm sorry.
- It's fine, Martha.
I'm just a little disappointed.
Not in you, all right,
just the work, okay?
And in Toni.
Oh. Oh, okay.
Here it comes.
Drag me.
Babe, you know
my taste better than this.
Would it kill you
to add some color?
Blossoms, berries,
anything to make it pop?
Yeah. Heard, heard.
I'll take another crack at it.
Thank you.
I know I'm being tough.
I just... I want this
to be amazing, okay?
I know, Bee. I got you.
We'll come through.
Are you like a clone?
Seriously, like,
are you even you?
Because the Toni that I know
would have given her
a roundhouse kick
for that attitude.
God, shut up.
It's cute on her.
Fucking sexy, actually.
Okay, ew. Stop it.
Cringe.
Seriously, though.
I'm really loving
how happy she's made you.
And I've never seen you
so mellow.
Yeah. It's great.
But also weird.
Like, I don't know.
I've got, like, a real faith
in her or something.
Like, there's no hiding
and no secrets.
Makes me feel sort of safe,
which is new.
Beach party setup's
looking good, okay?
I set up the tikis already,
rigged up a little limbo game,
and I probably
shouldn't talk it up,
but my sandcastle cake
is a fucking work of art.
Hey, check it.
I made a little mock-up.
Three tiers, shells all over,
sparklers as toppers.
Well,
I'm sure it's stunning.
And I cannot wait to see it.
You know, the others need
to take a page
out of your playbook
'cause you're, like,
the only person
making my life easier today.
Yeah. Happy... happy
to do that for you.
We might pull this off.
Like, this might actually
be magical.
Friends, champagne,
perfect weather,
beautiful scenery...
Just slow your fucking roll.
Just maybe like don't get
so poetic about this island.
It's not fucking paradise.
Oh, God.
Rachel, I'm so sorry.
I did not mean to say
that this island was, like...
or that I don't want to get
off this island because I...
Rachel, that was just
incredibly thoughtless of me.
- It's okay.
- No, it's not.
I shouldn't have even
tasked you with anything.
Is it too much?
How are you?
Shelby, it's fine.
I'm fine.
I'm cool.
I'm just a little touchy today,
but I'm fine.
Really.
Like, really,
you got to get out there
and see my three-tier,
god-tier fucking masterpiece.
I'm sure it's magnificent.
Yeah.
High-five.
Well, it's more
of a low-five for me,
but here's to the last one.
Sorry I stayed up here,
by the way.
My claustrophobia...
it's probably the worst phobia.
Well, there's xeno.
Super glad
I don't have that one.
Oh, I am so sorry.
What do you think
he'd rate it?
Oh, a... seven.
Yeah, like a level-seven
documentation regurgitation.
Pretty good.
That's pretty good.
Thank you.
Do you think Seth would let me
intern for Spillz?
Man, I would do anything
for that gig,
except move to Chicago.
My sinuses would not last a day
in that climate. I...
Sorry.
Sorry, I don't mean
to talk so much.
I... I know it's a lot.
Yeah, maybe.
No offense.
I didn't say much at all
till I was seven actually.
I had this lisp
that I felt weird about.
Once it went away, I guess I
sort of made up for lost time.
Once at dinner,
my dad goes to my mom,
"I'm beginning to regret
spending all that money
on Dr. Brimmer."
The speech therapist.
Man, that's tough.
They are tough.
That is their thing. Ha.
Which worked
on my brother and sister,
who were basically superhumans.
Like, they are crazy popular.
They played volleyball at USC.
And they both do modeling
for a sustainable
orthodontics company.
Meanwhile, I'm over here
with not a huge ton
of friends
and a propensity
to get stress hives.
That's why they sent me
on this retreat actually,
to be less like that.
"Learn a little grit,"
my mom said.
Maybe it's working.
You think?
You're surviving.
Making friends.
San Diego!
Come on, boys.
Let's make us a trap.
- Let's get into it.
- All right!
Let's get to work.
- Can you get me a rope?
- Yeah.
Two more here.
Two down here, at least two.
Just checking.
You need any more?
You guys think we could
all put our hands in
and do that shout again?
- What? I liked it.
- No.
Now that we're on ground zero,
we have to be as stealthy
as the jag we're hunting.
Shh.
Surprise!
Yeah!
I hate you.
- All of you.
- We love you too, Dorothy.
Well, not that
I didn't see it coming,
because you have
a shit-ass poker face.
Okay, so I'm not
a smooth person.
Moving on.
You are
a hard-ass working queen.
And...
Retired.
Oh, my God.
You...
Fatin might have
been the leak,
but I know
you were behind this.
All right.
Enough of that.
Let's get this party started!
♪ Clap, clap, slow clap ♪
♪ Been the champion,
rang the bell ♪
♪ Rocked the bottom,
been through hell ♪
♪ Climbed the mountain,
now I'm well ♪
♪ I just feel like
coming back for the belt ♪
♪ I've been slipping
and slipping ♪
♪ But now I'm back
for double-dipping ♪
♪ Who am I kidding?
I'm winning ♪
♪ My gentleman is for myself ♪
♪ I'm throwin' a Hail Mary
to no one else ♪
♪ That's why I'm cheering
for myself ♪
♪ Come on, clap, clap, clap,
clap, clap, clap ♪
♪ Clap, de-clap, de-clap,
clap, slow clap ♪
♪ Walk into the room
like a boss, slow clap ♪
♪ Putting on a little
extra sauce, slow clap ♪
♪ Clap, clap, clap,
clap, clap, clap ♪
♪ Clap, de-clap, de-clap,
clap, slow clap ♪
♪ Sidestepping people
down the hall, slow clap ♪
♪ Winter, spring or summer,
or the fall, slow clap ♪
♪ I don't wanna go
to the back of the line ♪
♪ No, no, I put in my time ♪
♪ From the garage
to the penthouse, girls ♪
♪ Underdog
to the top of the world ♪
♪ Clap, clap, clap,
clap, clap, clap ♪
♪ Clap, de-clap, de-clap,
clap, slow clap ♪
♪ Walk into the room
like a boss, slow clap ♪
♪ Puttin' on a little
extra sauce, slow clap ♪
♪ Clap, clap, clap,
clap, clap, clap ♪
♪ Clap, de-clap, de-clap,
clap, slow clap ♪
♪ Sidestepping people
down the hall, slow clap ♪♪
Listen, um...
With what I'm about to say,
just know that the bar
is really low, but...
This is the best birthday
that I've ever had.
My best birthday
was two years ago,
and Toni snuck us
into a casino.
Yeah. Oh, yeah.
Marty over here wanted to
go see those nerdy magicians.
It was Penn and Teller,
and they're illusionists.
Okay, I was
the illusionist,
sliding us past
that asshole bouncer.
Well, as memorable
as that sounds,
my sweet 16 had you beat.
It was a "Great Gatsby" theme.
And we actually rented
like an old car.
And the best part was
when my dad surprised me
with a birthday video
from none other than...
Joel Scott Osteen.
I...
What? That was...
It was good. I loved it.
This just, like,
kind of reminds me...
That I only have one birthday
to celebrate from now on.
Not two.
So fuck all your birthdays.
I got this.
- Dot, no.
- What?
Maybe you should, like,
just act your age for once.
Well, I'm actually
an adult now, so...
Okay.
Then don't act your age.
That's our real gift to you.
You're retired, honey,
just like Barbara.
Let me take this one,
all right?
This isn't gonna work.
Man, why would you say that?
You pitched the trap.
Yeah, Hen,
don't relapse on me.
I'm not saying
we're gonna die.
I just think
we'll have to pivot.
Statistically speaking,
first plans never work.
Have you ever seen the
early drafts of "Bugs Bunny,"
as sketched
by the original artist?
Oh, yeah.
Yes, I have.
You have?
No, shithead.
I was fucking with you.
Why would I have seen that?
Anyway, they're horrifying.
Bugs looks like
a DMT hallucination.
It's still alive.
Fuck. It's rearing back.
It's gonna fucking get out.
Ivan, throw it to me!
Aah!
Aah!
Uhh!
Ooh ooh ooh ooh,
ah ah ah ah,
ooh ooh ooh ooh,
ah ah ah ah,
ooh ooh ooh ooh,
ah ah ah ah,
ooh ooh ooh ooh,
ah ah ah ah,
ooh ooh ooh ooh, ah ah ah ah,
Aaaaah!
Yea-ea-ah!
Ha ha ha.
Oh, man.
Just whole DNA lacking rhythm.
I mean, that boy look like he
dancing for KitKot, not TikTok.
Hey, I just want to say,
you know,
you really held it down
at the bunker.
Hmm, while you ran.
- How virile of you.
- I had to.
One of us always dies
in that scenario.
Wasn't gonna be me.
Look, I know it's your style,
but you can't
just joke your way back
to congeniality with me, okay?
I need, like, a reckoning.
Look, man,
I was getting there, all right?
It's... it's my bad
about earlier,
all that shit I said.
I was out of line.
You know, I don't even...
I don't know
where it comes from
or, like, why I feel like that,
but... sorry.
We're cool.
Oh. Oh!
- Okay. Hey.
- Okay, okay.
Wakanda forever, my brother.
I am the Jag Slayer!
I am gladiator!
Oh, no.
I'm not letting him
steal all the shine for this.
- Go get it.
- Take me northward!
Yeah, yeah, lift him.
I said...
Big boy, here ya go!
Yes, Warrior O'Connor.
Yes, you may have
dealt the final blow,
but what is a knight
without his steel?
If not for
my weaponry excellence,
what the fuck then?
Is not the real hero
of the hour...
Okay, where is she?
Your spear is in there.
It was pretty gross.
Excalibur died for us.
She made
the ultimate sacrifice!
We put her through...
You should be up
on some shoulders,
getting the Gatorade bath.
Oh, nah.
We tossed her in.
Come on. You basically
put this whole thing together.
"Yes, and" style.
Hey.
This...
This is all you, man.
No, no.
Hey, while we're
spreading the glory around,
give it up to the guy
who kind of got us going.
The man with a plan,
Seth "Spillz" Novak.
Yes!
Speech, speech!
No, no, no.
No... okay, okay.
I might have
a tight five in me. Uh...
How is everybody doing tonight?
We are good!
Hey, is anyone here
on a date?
How about any newlyweds in
the audience, recently married?
No? Okay.
And castaways?
Anyone here stranded
on a deserted fucking island?
Yes!
All of us!
You know, I...
I vividly remember the day
that I met each of you.
Not that there's anything
particularly special
about any of you, but because
who could possibly forget
a catastrophic
fucking plane crash?
No, but seriously, you...
you all left big impressions
on me that day.
I remember Scotty and Bo,
so clearly
each other's ride-or-die.
I bet you didn't think
that "die" would be
a literal possibility, huh?
- No. No, I didn't.
- No? Okay.
I remember Ivan
with his sick loafers.
And, look, I know
that they're worse for wear,
but maybe
I can borrow 'em one day.
- We'll talk.
- We will. We'll talk.
Josh, who after, like,
half an hour of knowing him,
had already offered me,
like, six homeopathic remedies
and a Schedule II drug.
Nice.
And I don't remember Henry
'cause I don't have to.
Okay?
And Kirin,
who I first wrote off
as a juicehead asshole.
Seriously, man, when are you
gonna change my mind on that?
Oh!
Spillz, you little piss-ant.
Fuck you.
I'm kidding. I'm kidding.
Please don't hurt me.
Please, sit down.
No, seriously,
without your "act first,
think later" attitude,
I mean, you've helped us
more than once, man.
So, respect.
And then, there's Raf.
You know, there's no joke here,
man, there's no punchline.
We stared down some dark shit
together that first day,
and... I don't know
if it's man-of-few-words thing,
but you have this calm
about you that saved my sanity.
Fuck. We were strangers.
We were strangers
who came together.
And, what did we fucking do?!
We were strangers
who came together
and we killed
a motherfucking jag!
Nice shit, bruh.
- Whoo!
- Oh!
Nuclear pantsing, dawg!
Nuclear pantsing!
What the fuck, man?
Oh... oh, wait...
Aw, boo!
Come back!
Aw, come on, fuckers.
Let's drink!
Whoo!
It won't go away.
The pain?
I understand.
My best friend...
killed herself last year.
I know that blame is hard
to put on one person...
But I deserve a lot of it.
I kissed her.
But when her parents found out,
I told them
it was the other way around.
Got everyone to believe
that she was wrong, sick.
I got her believing it too.
The guilt.
The shame I felt.
Sometimes I even wanted
to... follow her.
What was her name?
Becca.
And how did you, like, pull
yourself up and out of that?
Dear Lord, you are my shield,
my defender.
You're my healing,
my provider.
You're my peace.
You're my joy, my wisdom,
and my strength.
You are the glory and the one
who will lift my head high.
It was my faith.
And just holding on
to those words:
"Dear Lord, you are my shield,
my defender," the whole thing.
Just over and over again,
like a mantra.
Just sort of
made me feel steady.
Until one day,
I actually was.
Dear Lord.
- You are my shield.
- You are my shield.
- My defender.
- My defender.
- You're my peace.
- You're my peace.
- You're my joy.
- You're my joy.
My wisdom and my strength.
My wisdom and my strength.
- You are the glory.
- You are the glory.
And the one
that will lift my head high.
And the one
that will lift my head high.
Amen.
Amen.
There he is!
Oh.
I was worried about you,
man.
Bro, you have just got to...
you just got to, like,
not even let it get to you
'cause that is how they win.
Trust me. Ha.
I know exactly how you feel.
Like, this one time,
I got pantsed by Chloe King
during my sixth grade
spelling bee. Ugh!
It was like
the exact same thing,
except my underwear stayed up
and I was spelling "amnesty"
at the time.
Oh, and this isn't pantsing,
but one time, my brother
made me lick the toilet seat.
But not the top.
The underside of the seat.
Josh.
Thank you, really.
But I'm good.
Anytime, man.
Except now,
because bedtime.
Good night, Joshy.
Ha.
Ah.
I wasn't there, you know?
I was with the others,
so, you know,
this is what I heard after.
Keep going, please.
I'm not supposed
to tell anyone.
But, I don't know.
Sometimes I just...
I want to say it out loud.
I have to hear it out loud.
He went to him.
And he, uh...
Raf.
They're listening.
We'll find another way.
I'll find another way.
I'm actually too tired.
Sorry.
Whoa.
Wait, what just happened?
She had him.
She had him on the threshold.
And she stopped him.
She fucking snaked us.
I'll go intercept her.
I'll sit her back down,
and we'll regroup.
- No.
- No.
I hate
seeing promising people.
Such a bitter pill
when they disappoint you.
Seth?
Do you think
I'm like you?
Do you think I'm like you?
- Do you think I'm like you?!
- What did I do?
I'm nothing
fucking like you!
I'm nothing fucking like you.
Nothing.
Nothing. Nothing.
Don't.
Don't you move!
I'm nothing like you,
I'm nothing like you.
I'm nothing...
I'm nothing fucking like you.
Beep, beep.
Coming through.