The Wild Wild West (1965–1969): Season 2, Episode 14 - The Night of the Infernal Machine - full transcript

Right on time, Jim.

I don't know about the dialogue,

but you're certainly
dressed for the part.

What are you cooking?

Baking. I can't
cook. Danish pastry.

Have you found the dynamite?

Not a trace.

I better find Judge
M'Guigan. Where is he?

He's up in the billiard room
playing a game he calls "pool."

It's billiards with
working clothes on.

Yeah. The man with him is a
guy named Judge Vickerman.



Much obliged.

Not at all.

Well played. You win again.

Rack 'em up, son.

Ah, you play a sharp
game of pool, judge.

A man would have
to rise mighty early

to keep up with you.

Oh, fiddlesticks.

A backward child
could play this...

This "pool" game of yours.

Now, 3-cushion billiards...

Ho, ho, ho, there's
a gentleman's game.

I agree with you, judge.

Billiards is a gentleman's game,



but we must move
along with the times.

We common people must
have our little enjoyments also.

I always say, it matters
not what we play

as long as we enjoy the game.

Do you have time for another?

Of course, of course.
You break 'em this time.

Thank you, judge. Drink?

Thank you.

Ah, for a convention,

this is becoming
quite enjoyable.

Judge M'Guigan?

Yes, man, what is it?

My name is James West.
I believe you were notified.

Oh, yes.

You're the president's man.

You know Judge
Vickerman, of course.

I'm honored, sir.

How do you do?

Well, now what the devil are
you supposed to do for us?

Oh, uh, of course.

Uh, will... You will excuse
us, judge, won't you? Uh...

Certainly.

Uh, after you, sir.

Thank you.

Well?

Sir, since you're the
chairman of this convention,

the president has sent me
here to protect you if necessary.

From what?

A crate of dynamite's
been stolen

and traced to Denver.

Dynamite?

Enough to replace this hotel

with a large hole in the ground.

It's your turn to break, judge.

Surely, the president isn't
holding his breath for you.

Well, why don't you break

while I hear what it is the
president wants me to do?

Politicians.

And as chief of
police of this fair city,

I have taken and
will continue to take

all necessary precautions
for the absolute safety

of our distinguished guests.

Son, are you getting this?

Oh, yes, sir.

Uh, how's it going, men?

Find anything under there?

Hey.

What the devil are
you doing here?

Searching for
fragments of the bomb.

And did you find any?

Yeah.

Well, hand it over.

I think bombs and
infernal machines

are more my line
of work than yours.

Look, just who the
devil do they call you

when you're at home?

My name is James West,

and I'm the special
agent for the president.

Oh, so you are West, huh?

Hm.

Well, what's your business here

and why wasn't I informed
that you had arrived?

Well, there wasn't time.

There is always
time for courtesy.

A crate of dynamite was
stolen about a week ago

and traced to your city,

and since you are playing host

to all of the federal
judges of the union

and the dynamite, we
wanted to make sure

they didn't bang
into each other.

And how does that give
you call to poke your nose

into my investigation
of a murder,

which, as you ought to
know, is not a federal crime?

I know some people
who don't think of it

as a crime at all.

Let's have it.

Or would you rather be
arrested for withholding evidence?

Of course, you do have a
bomb expert on your squad.

Mister, it don't
take no bomb expert

to know a man's
been killed here.

But it does take one to
tell you how or by whom

or for that matter, even why.

Oh, and... And you are
that kind of an expert, huh?

I have run into bombs
from time to time,

and I always like to understand
what makes them tick.

All right, you're welcome to
all the live bombs you can find.

Just give me the evidence.

All right, chief. All right.

Since you've
limited my jurisdiction

to, uh, live bombs...

Hey!

Bombs are like women, gentlemen.

You should never let them
know you don't trust them.

Gentlemen.

A dog would not eat that.

Of course not.

It wasn't meant for you.

Insult! Always insult!

Oh, if you would only
be half as sensitive

to the smell of your own cooking

as you are to imaginary insults.

I will teach you to insult
the cooking of Sicily!

You don't need to teach it.

Your cooking is insult enough.

Ah, Mr. West.

Do you have the cake I ordered?

Indeed. Indeed. Right
this way, sir, please.

It's right here. There.

It's a work of art.
What do I owe you?

Oh.

It is not for sale.

But you... You promised...

Ah, for a man who
appreciates art, a gift.

No charge. Here.

You eat that, you
going to die like a dog.

Let us get away
from here, please,

before we are overcome
by the poisoned gases

coming from those pots

which know the taste of salt,

only when a piece
falls into his stew

by accident!

Get him out of here!

I found the bomb.

A billiard ball.

He stole that idea from me.

Mm. Almost foolproof.

There's only one thing
the bomber overlooked.

The wrong man may hit the ball.

Well, then maybe it was intended
for the other fellow, M'Guigan.

Possibly. Why?

M'Guigan's main
source of pride is the fact

that he's sent more
anarchists to prison for life

than any other federal judge.

There's only one
man, besides you,

who could have perfected
a mechanism such as this.

Zeno Baroda.
Wasn't that his name?

That was his name.

I thought he was serving
a life sentence somewhere.

He was.

He was paroled a month
ago for good behavior...

by Judge M'Guigan.

Well, I'd say he has a funny
way of showing his appreciation.

If all Baroda wanted was
revenge against one man,

he'd need about
this much dynamite,

not a whole crate of it.

Well, then who's next?

Well, we could, of course,

add more whipped cream,
if that's what you want,

except that it would
then be more fattening.

The cake would be
no better, I guarantee.

We make perfect
exquisite decoration...

I want you to search
every place in this hotel

where a crate of dynamite
could possibly be stored.

Right. And if I find it?

I'll arrange for someone to
pour cold water on your face

to revive you.

Ahh!

All right, girls, let's
start from the beginning,

and give it all you've got.

Vashti,

it's been very nice up till now.

I need hardly emphasize that

anything you do must be not
only in impeccably good taste,

but also provide a
note of moral uplift.

Of course, judge. I
understand perfectly.

Remember, anything
you do here casts reflection

not only on our
distinguished guests of honor,

the members of
the Supreme Court,

but on American
womanhood itself.

Obviously.

Mary, let's take it
from where we left off.

Whom are you guarding,

Judge M'Guigan
or the dancing girls?

Your Honor,

I'd like to speak to
you about the attempt

that was made on
your life this morning.

I don't know what
there is to discuss.

Any man who accepts
the responsibilities

of being a judge has to put up

with his share
of raving lunatics.

Pardon me, Your Honor,

but does this look like the
work of a raving lunatic?

So...

There's only one man
that could have perfected

an infernal machine
like this. Zeno Baroda.

Young man, I personally
paroled Zeno Baroda

last month after six years

because I considered him
to be completely rehabilitated.

Surely, every bomb
in the country's

not going to be
blamed on him now?

I hope not,

but Zeno Baroda is capable

of planting a bomb
almost anywhere.

In a billiard ball,
a music box, in...

I could swear that
wasn't here yesterday.

Don't touch it.

It's one of the
things I get paid for.

Touching the untouchable.

As chief of police, I demand
to know what's going on here.

He's found a bomb.

A bomb, you say?

Very well. Ahem. It's all yours.

No, no. I insist.

It's all yours.

Ah!

Zeno Baroda could
fix a clock like this.

I will not let you
persecute this man.

He has paid his debt to society.

I just wanna make sure he
doesn't run up any new debts.

Debts?

If you'll excuse me.

Gentlemen...

thank you.

Well, I'm sorry I can't fix
this clock for ya, mister.

Uh, how old did
you say that was?

About a hundred years.

Oh. Well, don't you
reckon it's about time

you bought a new one?

I don't suppose you know anyone

who could fix a clock like this.

Well, yeah, I, uh... Let's see.

I know one fella
who could do it, uh...

But, uh, why bother?

For 6 bits, you can purchase

one of these
brand-new-type alarm clocks.

Uh, you just set it for...
Set it for whatever time

you wanna wake
up in the morning.

Cheaper than feeding a rooster.

What's his name?

Wh... Whose name?

The man you said
who could fix the clock.

Oh, yeah.

Well, if you're bound to
throw good money after bad,

Zeno Baroda.

That little tumbledown shack
on the left as you leave town.

Thanks.

Give me your tired, your poor,

your huddled masses
yearning to breathe free,

the wretched refuse
of your teeming shore.

Send these,

the homeless
tempest tossed to me.

I lift my lamp beside
the golden door.

That's very nice. Excuse me.

"Very nice"?

I consider it the most
outstanding work of art

since the Tower of Babel.

Well, you're the judge.

This is what I want you to do.

What, as a cake?

Not as a cake, you
square-headed ninny.

On the cake,

the pièce de résistance
of the entire banquet,

sculptured with your own
delicately solicitous hands.

Oh, of course,
that's... Excuse me.

That's a lot of work, you know.

Oh, it must be completed
by tomorrow night

for the grand finale of
the convention banquet

and to remind some of
my learned colleagues

that an ounce of charity

is worth a thousand
pounds of law.

Who said that?

I did.

That's very nice too.

What are you doing there, you?

Have you no respect
for that noble vintage?

It feels like a load
of bricks in there.

The finest champagne
money can buy,

and you swing it around
like that, you imbecile!

Dummkopf.

Wait, wait, wait. No, no, no.

We better take a look and
see whether there's any damage

done to that thing.

Dynamite.

Mr. Baroda?

I beg your pardon.

Never beg while you're
still man enough to steal.

Uh, do you suppose you
could fix a wreck like this?

Put it down somewhere.

I'll get to it in my
own good time.

Well, how do you know?
You haven't even looked at it.

Made in Strasbourg, 1781.

Only 3 others like it
survived into the 19th century.

If I were a merchant,
I'd offer you $500 for it

and sell it in
Philadelphia for 2,000.

It's a deal.

Not interested.

I want to give it
to you for a favor,

for a little job.

What sort of job?

There's a man in this town

that's been paying far too
much attention to my wife.

I, uh... I want to
give him a gift,

a music box.

And when he winds it up,

I want to make sure he
gets a real bang out of it.

Who sent you to me?

Another clockmaker.

He said, "Why throw
good money after bad?"

Perhaps you should
have taken his advice.

Good day, sir.

$2,000.

And no one will ever know.

Kill for a puny reason like that

when there's a world of
cruelty and government injustice,

inhumanity and
legalized serfdom.

Abuse of police power
and judicial corruption

crying out to be overthrown?

Right now I'd like
to overthrow the man

that's stolen my wife's love.

I've always believed

that a man who has
lost a wife and a nickel

has lost a nickel.

You don't believe a
man owes it to himself

to defend the honor of his home?

Honor. Ha, ha, ha.

I don't believe in murder,

at least not in such a
puny cause as yours.

And what cause would
you consider large enough?

Why is it, I wonder,

that all police spies
and provocateurs

give off the same stale odor?

Get out.

Sir.

Weren't you afraid
it might explode?

Honor.

Who is it? Huh? Who
wants to kill M'Guigan?

It's not me. I swear.

I'll tell you. I'll tell you.

Ha, ha, ha.

Magnificent, mademoiselle.

Ha, ha, ha. I scared you, huh?

It's nice to see that you
have found some use

for your kitchen utensils,

since you seem incapable

of turning out an
edible meal with them.

That woman. She has my heart.

And you...

Why, you are not even
fit for her to spit upon.

Just like your lunch today.

If I catch you with your
eyes upon her once more,

so help me, I will
burn them out!

The only thing you
are capable of burning

is your miserable food.

Oh! Ooh!

M'Guigan?

Judge?

You all right?

M'Guigan?

I'm going to kill you!

You hear me?

Oh, go away, will you?

I'm not in the mood for
playing. Go back to your zoo.

Oh, Judge M'Guigan.

Well, they changed
your room, huh?

Just what the devil
is the meaning of this?

What was that noise?

It was nothing. Just
a bomb, that's all.

That's all? That's enough.

I'm not staying in this
hotel another minute.

I hope it's not my pastry.

It must be the cooking, huh?

This way, judge.

Stay in a place like this?

Why, I'd be a sitting duck.

But Your Honor,
with 10 of my men

on guard at all times,

you'd hardly be safer
at the city jail itself.

City jail?

That would be a fine place
for a judge now, wouldn't it?

I hardly imagine
you'd be the first one.

Young man, now that the
dynamite has been found,

why are you still here?

Because there's been a killing,

another bomb attempt since then,

and Zeno Baroda's
still at large.

Of course. You're right.

Well, this looks a
lot more civilized

than a jail cell.

I didn't know you special
agents lived so well.

It's nice, peaceful.

It's home, judge.

You sure no one knows I'm here?

Nobody.

Your Honor, I have
taken special precautions,

and not a soul knows
you're here. Not a soul.

Ahh.

Vashti.

Judge, the girls and I thought

we'd make it a little
less lonely for you.

Thank you, Vashti.

Just set it down over there.

We have a wonderful lunch.

I think you'll love
it. Some chicken...

Just a moment, please.

Who prepared this basket?

Signor Cefalu, the cook.

And some fruit.

And some nice strudel
from Herr Astipalia.

He makes wonderful strudel.

Young lady,

how did you know we were here?

Everyone knows.

See what I mean?

You don't think I'm going
to stay here, do you?

Well, why not?

Because I'd feel
safer in a goldfish bowl.

I could still put you
up at the city jail.

Why can't you save
me from that man

who's trying to kill me?

Is that too much to ask?

It's the most reasonable
request I've heard all week, judge.

I'll hide you till the banquet.

You'll be as safe and snug
as the man in the moon.

Ahh. At least there's
someone around here

who has a head
on their shoulders.

Come, Vashti.

Just a minute.

Now, I can't let you leave
with this wisp of a girl.

Why? I can't be any
worse off than I am here.

Let's not forget the strudel.

Vashti.

Judge.

Gentlemen.

Now, look, I am
the chief of police,

and I intend...

Chief.

Huh?

Maybe he'd be better off
with her out in the open.

What do you mean by that?

If you gotta set a
trap, use attractive bait.

Just the same, I'm
going to continue

to take every precaution
for his safety, you got that?

You've done a
great job so far, chief.

Very good.

Mm-hmm.

Nice, nice. Very thorough.

Mm-hm.

Mm-hmm. Good.

Good work.

Hey.

My name is Zeno Baroda,

and I desire you to
place me under arrest.

On what charge?

Place me under arrest.

Herr Asterpalier.

Astipalia. What, what, what?

One of the judges,

he told me to hand
this to you personally.

Oh, thank you very much.

What do you think,
I'm a guest here?

Gee.

Ah, Mr. West.

Well, I've got him
locked up tight as a drum.

Who?

Zeno Baroda, the anarchist,

the man who's been
planting all these bombs.

Glad to hear it. How
did you catch him?

He caught me.
How do you like that?

He walked right up and
demanded I arrest him.

That's nice.

Ha, ha, ha. You
ain't jealous, are you?

I mean, that I cracked
the case instead of you?

No. No, I'm worried.

A man in jail has
too good an alibi.

An alibi for what?

That's what I'd like to know.

Oh, Mr. West.

I've been looking
for you everywhere.

We need you in the kitchen.
There's been an accident.

What happened?

Herr Astipalia, the pastry cook,

he's been calling for you.

He's been hurt, badly burned.

I tried to help him,

but he wouldn't
let me call a doctor.

I tried to help him.

I bandaged him the best I could.

What are you doing here?
Go get a doctor. Hurry.

What happened? Did
you see who did it?

Are you all right?

I'm going to be fine.

I'm fine. I'm fine.

We'll have a doctor
here in a minute.

Don't move.

Magnificent, Herr Astipalia.

Vashti, my love,

I have great plans for us.

I lift my lamp

beside the golden door.

Vashti, when you
light that dynamite,

it'll all come true.

Your dream of success,

my dream of power.

Judge, are you sure? I mean...

Vashti, you will take your place

alongside the
immortals of the theater.

Lillie Langtry, Jenny Lind.

I see you starring in Carmen

at the National
Theater in Washington.

President Grant sits in his box
watching you sing and dance.

But first, the entertainment.

You will dance beautifully,

like Salome.

I will give you the
signal, nod my head.

Come, Vashti.

How many times have I told
you, no loafing on the job?

Oh, very funny. Very funny.

Ahh.

You all right?

Oh, sure, sure. My
skin's always this blue.

Your Honor,

have you seen Judge M'Guigan?

Why, no. We, uh... We
thought he was with you.

Hello.

Sorry I'm late.

Well, inspector, is
everything in order?

I think so, Your Honor.

Why don't you sit down
and enjoy yourself?

Well, thank you very much.

Good evening.

I hope you enjoyed
your dinner, judge.

Very good.

Gentlemen, gentlemen.

Gentlemen.

Gentlemen. Excuse me.

Ladies and gentlemen.

Now, my friends
and fellow judges

and you august members
of the Supreme Court,

the entertainment
portion of our program,

Vashti and her girls.

Here I thought that Baroda
was tucked away safe and sound

in jail and all of us could
live happily ever after.

Nah. Baroda only made
those infernal machines

until he couldn't
stand it any longer.

Made 'em?

For whom?

Someone to whom Baroda,
for all his noble philosophy,

couldn't say no.

The one man that
could put him in prison

for the rest of his life.

Judge M'Guigan?

Right.

A respected federal judge

with his eye on
the Supreme Court?

Exactly.

"With his eye on
the Supreme Court."

And up there, a
room full of judges

infinitely more capable than he.

I know some of you good folks

still haven't quite forgiven
me, have you now,

for the disgraceful way
in which I worked my way

through law school
as a common thespian,

a mummer,

a mountebank, if you will,

rather than like
the rest of you,

by splitting rails

or having a rich father

or digging ditches

or robbing banks.

But then, what is a
courtroom but a stage,

and all its learned advocates
and judges merely players?

They have their entrances...

and exits.

You can see that with a
shocking attitude like that,

I'd cut a mighty poor figure
amidst the awesome dignity

of the Supreme Court...

to whose learned
members I shall presently

have the signal honor to present

the coveted annual
Chester A. L'Ambroso Award

for their distinguished
contributions

to the enlightened
science of criminology.

We're losing oxygen fast.

But first, a musical tribute.

To the fair lady...

with the golden lamp.

That's my cake.

Give me a match.

Right.

Give me another one.

That's all there is.

We better do something fast

before this whole building
comes down on us.

Give me another bullet.

You ate the last one.

Let's make another one.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

It's not that the president

has anything against your
background, M'Guigan.

It's simply that
he doesn't think

you carry enough weight up here.

Later.

Oh, judge...

Oh, judge. Judge, let me
tell you a wonderful story.

Now, stop me if you heard it.

I heard it.

Where's M'Guigan?

He's upstairs.

Bring her to the hall.

Right.

Whoa.

No!

Where's Bulvon?

Let go of the judge.

Artie, the bottle!

Let me go.

Cut it out. Cut it out.

Stop him! Stop him!

Sorry about that, chef.

Would you believe
I'm a judge then?

Stop that man
that's following me.

Judge, no!

What is this? What is this?

Stop him! Grab him!

Did you have to ruin my cake?

It was either your
cake or my reputation.

Come on, judge.

An ounce of charity...
An ounce of charity,

a thousand pounds of law.

M'Guigan.

M'Guigan of all people.

What the devil did he
think he was trying to do,

blowing up the Supreme Court?

Look, do you think
he was one of those...

anarchist fellows himself?

There's not a thing wrong
with him that an appointment

at the Supreme Court
wouldn't have cured.

He just wanted to
hasten the process.

You don't think he ever
would have made it, do you?

No matter how much of
the competition he killed off?

The last I heard,

the president was
in his right mind.

I'm glad you caught him.

Count on me to testify
against him at his trial.

I'll make it a point of
seeing you're released

from jail for the occasion.

Vashti.

Vashti.

Who has ever done this to you,

I will seek vendetta.

Well, maybe it
wasn't a total waste.