The Wild Wild West (1965–1969): Season 2, Episode 13 - The Night of the Skulls - full transcript

You rode well today.

Oh, well, Charlton,

what did you think of my
new mare, Cloudburst?

And not afraid of anything.

It took the steepest part
of the wall at full gallop,

and there it was, the
fox, right on top of us.

Exactly.

Jim, uh, you have a reputation

as a judge of horseflesh.

What's your opinion?

If a horse jumps right,



I doubt if it'll be much
at gathering up strays.

Well, sir, uh,
speaking of strays...

Excuse me. Oh, Artemus, honey,

I do believe I have
a pebble in my boot.

Be a doll and give
me a hand, will you?

I'd be delighted.

I beg your pardon, but
since the lady asked me,

it's my honor, I believe.

Honor?

That's a funny word
for a man who has none.

Shall we discuss my
scruples later, in private?

It's my public duty
to warn someone

when there's a
rattlesnake around.

Why, James, honey, I
do believe you're jealous.



Yes, and a bore to boot.

Oh.

Good lord, man,
have you gone mad?

He's dead.

I was only defending myself.
He was going for a gun.

You all saw that.

He wasn't armed.

In that case, it's murder.

I... I didn't know
that. It was a mistake.

As head of the Secret Service,

I'll have to place
you under arrest.

I missed him. He's gone.

Colonel Richmond. Oh, gentlemen.

There's, uh... There's
little more to say.

I've lost a staunch
supporter and loyal friend.

And comin' from the
director of the Secret Service,

that's as fine a eulogy
as a man could ask.

Colonel, actually, you've
lost two friends, haven't you?

If you're referring
to James West,

all's I can say is that
he must have suffered

a nervous breakdown
due to overwork.

There is no other explanation.

Well, sir, would you,
uh, comment on a rumor

West is still at large because
he's got friends in high places?

Why, that's nothin' more
than a personal attack

on the integrity of
Colonel Richmond

and the effectiveness
of his department.

Senator Fenlow hasn't
been in Washington

as long as I have, gentlemen,

but I thank you for
your support, Stephen.

Gentlemen, I do not know
where James West is hiding out.

Neither do I know
the whereabouts

of all the other murderers

who have vanished
during the past year.

Last count, 19
bloodthirsty killers

have simply stepped into limbo

just as the police were
about to make an arrest.

Now, where they are,

and who's harboring
them and why...

Gentlemen, you
uncover those answers,

and you'll make your
headlines for a month.

We have gathered here

to pay final tribute,

and bid a last farewell

to one who must be classed

as a prince among men.

Who was this Artemus Gordon?

Who did bestride
the world of his friends

like a veritable colossus?

Let me tell you,

for I know him w...

Knew him well.

As the director

of the Secret Service has said,

we have lost a
staunch supporter,

and a loyal friend.

We shall not see
his like among us

soon again.

May he rest...

I knew West wouldn't show up.

He hates funerals. Amen.

That was beautiful,
reverend. Truly beautiful.

Thank you, my dear.

Of course, no one could
really do him justice.

A very impressive funeral.

Well, thank you.
Thank you very much.

Considering you were
burying the devil himself.

Jim.

What are you doing here?

Artie, you couldn't be quiet,

not even at your
own funeral, could ya?

Well, somebody
had to tell the truth.

How do you like that?

Six mourners. You
didn't even show up. Tsk.

I tell you, you gotta
die before you find out

who your friends really are.

What is that fella doing

standing around
the grave so long?

Whoever it is that's
collecting murderers

hasn't called on me yet.

Well, you're not big enough
potatoes for him, that's all.

Wait until you kill
somebody really important.

Listen, what you really
need is some publicity.

How about starting a
manhunt for yourself?

Why, it's West. Let's get him.

How about right now?

Good time.

Oh, I'm terribly sorry. Here.

No, that's perfectly all right.

Would you get out
of my way? Please.

But you're so dusty.
Here, I'll just help you...

That's all right.
That's all right.

I'm dreadfully sorry.

Check that area over there.

You got him?

Where's West?

I'll get off at the
next stop, driver.

Hey.

Hey, friend.

What is this place?
I'm talking to you.

Quietly, friend.

The jury just
brought in the verdict.

Prisoner at the bar,

it is my solemn duty

to pronounce sentence upon you.

You will be returned to the
dungeon from whence you came

until tomorrow morning,

when you will be hanged by
the neck until you are dead.

You can't do that.

And may the devil
have mercy on your soul.

You're no real judge.

This place is just
like a madhouse.

I'm innocent.

I don't wanna die.

No.

I don't wanna die.

Court's adjourned.

One moment, your honor.

Yes, Mr. West?

With all due
respect to the court,

I think you've got
the wrong boy.

On the contrary. You're
here to stand trial for murder.

You'll have your
day in court soon.

I don't know what
you're talking about.

I don't even have a lawyer.

Oh, yes, you do, Mr. West.

Lorelei.

I shall be defending you.

Well, uh, thanks, Lorelei.

You're very beautiful, and,
uh, I'm sure a darn good lawyer,

but I'll defend myself.

I promise I'll do everything
within my power on your defense.

Who defended him?

You can't win them all.

If you value your life, we'll
need several consultations.

In your cell or mine?

Your humor is
ill-advised, Mr. West.

Bailiff,

remove the accused.

Your honor, I move that my
case be thrown out of court.

I'll, uh...

I'll take your motion
under advisement.

On further consideration,

Mr. West, your motion is denied,

but I'll throw you
out of court instead.

That's all for now, Henry.

Just let me know when
the senators arrive.

Come in, Gordon.

Colonel Richmond.

You look a lot healthier
than the last time I saw you.

Thank you very much, sir.

I have got to admit
that funeral black

is hardly a flattering
color to anybody.

Now what about Jim?

Just another cruel,
bloodthirsty murderer

who's vanished into thin air.

Thank you, sir.

Excellent.

I suspect that at the moment,
Jim is undoubtedly enjoying

the company of
such vicious killers

as the Baltimore Strangler,
the Axe Lady of Louisiana,

Iron Hook Harper
and all the others.

Charming lot.

Then our plan worked.

Uh, almost, sir. Yes. I...

Basically, it still seems
a very good notion

to have lured this organization
into whisking Jim away,

and then having us watch to
see where they took him, but...

they whisked so good
there was nothing to watch.

So he just vanished
like all the others.

Yes, sir.

And you haven't any
idea where he's gone?

No, sir, not yet.

I think I know how he got there.

Go on.

A hearse.

Oh, not the same one
that took me to my grave.

This one seems
to be a freelance.

At least it's not registered

with any of the funeral
homes in Washington.

That's very interesting,
but does it help us find Jim?

I think it will, sir.

You see, a hearse tends
to be a little bit conspicuous.

It's got to be hidden someplace.

I'm checking the
livery stables right now.

Ah. That's why this getup.

Gordon, I, uh...

I don't wanna put any
more pressure on you, but...

Don't say it, sir.

I know.

Jim has put his head
into a nest of vipers.

A dozen of the most
vicious killers in America.

Talk about vipers.

That's the senate
investigation committee.

They're about to ask me a
lot of embarrassing questions

on the same subject.

Well, hold them off, sir.

I'll find Jim. I promise.

I only hope it isn't too late.

Good morning, friend.

When do I get my
bread and water?

You can nod your
head, can't you,

or are you afraid
your skull will rattle?

If you really wanna
make a noise, Mr. West,

we have devices here
which are guaranteed

to draw very loud
outcries from you.

You're intruding
on my meditation.

The jury won't be
out long on you, West.

Oh, you've been
here a long time.

One moment, friend.

Wait. Come back.

Quickly, follow me.

Your only hope of escape.
Go quickly, Mr. West.

Will you join me?

No, it's not possible,

but if you succeed
in escaping...

I'll be back.

And I'll be waiting for you.

Court is now in session.

Prisoner at the bar,

you are accused of
murdering one Artemus Gordon.

How do you plea?

Guilty or not guilty?

No plea, your honor.

I challenge the jury.

Cause?

Their fitness to
judge, your honor.

I see the Baltimore Strangler,

the Samurai from San Francisco,

the Axe Lady,

Shanto the Beard from Chicago,

and Iron Hook Harper.

Murderers all, Mr. West.

Could you ask for a
more blue-ribbon jury?

Oh, hardly.

Yes, I do see
their qualifications,

and you, judge, have you
murdered anyone lately?

Yes, Mr. West, three
prisoners by execution.

Counsel,

are you ready to
present your case?

Ready for the
prosecution, your lordship.

Prosecution?

You have heard the evidence,

which proves beyond
the shadow of doubt,

that the accused James West,

wantonly, monstrously

and with malice aforethought,

did murder Artemus
Gordon in cold blood.

As experts in your field,

you are more aware than anyone

of the foul calculation required

to kill your best friend.

James West's guilt is evident.

It shows on his
handsome, depraved face.

He must be found guilty.

May I give you a lift somewhere?

Uh, thank... Thank
you very much,

my good man.

No, not today.

In the end, I get them all.

Oh?

Tell me, my good man, w-where...

Where do you take them all? Ah.

Especially James West.

I don't ask the names
of my customers,

as long as they're dead.

Ah, but there's
the rub, you see?

You only carry live ones.

And you're gonna tell me where.

Right now. Ooh.

Members of the jury,
have you reached a verdict?

We have, your lordship.

How say you?

Guilty as sin.

James West,

you have been
found guilty of murder

by a jury of your peers.

I must now pronounce sentence.

You are free,

and an honored member of
the company of murderers.

Congratulations, West.

Congratulations.

Congratulations.

Yes, thank you.

Good luck, certainly.

Thank you, madam.

You see, James,

I told you I'd do everything
possible on your defense.

For a while, I thought you
were trying to get me convicted.

Of course I was.

Don't you realize what
would have happened

if you'd been acquitted?

You mean that poor man
that was tried yesterday?

Yes, found innocent and hanged.

Oh, in that case, thanks.

What about your fee?

We'll discuss that after
your victory dinner...

tonight.

Gentlemen and lady, a toast.

A toast to our guest of honor.

Blackguard, murderer
and all-around fiend.

Dear friends, I give
you James West.

Mr. West.

All right, all right.

Speech, speech.

Uh, thank you for that
glowing introduction, Lorelei.

Fellow murderers,

I have followed your career

in the newspapers and
other sources for some time,

and I've always
wanted to meet you,

but not in a dark alley.

Being among you today
is my black-letter day.

Aye there.

And even as I savor this honor,

I think it only proper
that we remember

our host and benefactor,

the man that's made
this all possible.

And if he were
here, whoever he is,

I would propose a toast.

That is, if you hadn't already
destroyed your glasses.

Hear, hear. To our...
To our lordship, aye.

Hear, hear. Ah, so. Ah, so.

Order.

Order, if you please.

Thank you.

And thank you, Mr. West,
for your gracious toast.

My friends, from
this company of six...

The unsurpassed
members of a special guild...

Three of you will be
chosen to assist me

in a mighty undertaking.

The method of elimination

I shall leave to
your own ingenuity.

Such talented people
should have no difficulty

in reducing your number
to the required three.

For those who survive,
there will be wealth and power

beyond your most
avaricious dream.

I'll have some of that.

Oh, what do the three
survivors have to do?

If you should make
the first team, Mr. West,

Miss Lorelei will instruct you.

Uh...

We've got one dropout.

Seems I've misplaced
me steak knife.

Mr. Beard,

you were always one for
the ladies, weren't you?

Aye.

Hold it.

You killed me once this week.

Isn't that enough?

Artie.

How'd you get here?

By hearse.

Same way you did, only
I had to do the driving.

But how did you
know how to come?

I didn't. The horses
did. I just let 'em go.

Ahh, that's very clever.

Yeah, well, it's just
a practical application

of a theory I have about
conditioned response.

I've got to write a paper
about that one of these days.

Artie.

Not now, Artie, huh? Hmm.

All right.

What kind of resort is this?

It looks like some
kind of armory.

Right.

Now it's a boarding
house for murderers.

All the killers that vanished
are here, and then some.

Ah.

When am I gonna get to
meet your friends, James?

Anytime.

Right now I gotta find
out what he's up to.

Who's he?

Well, that's something
else I have to find out.

Haven't you done
anything since you got here?

Well, I saved myself
from being hanged.

Congratulations.

Tigo.

Do you know that it's forbidden
to fraternize with the guests?

Besides, it's time
to ring curfew.

Yeah, well, it's a good idea.

Then we'll know where he is.

Fool, the bell tower's that way.

If you had as much
wine to drink as he has,

you wouldn't know where
the bell tower was either.

Then he's both a
fool and a drunkard.

For you, Mr. West.

From Lorelei?

She's waiting for you.

Lead on, friend.

Pleasant dreams, Mr. West.

Lorelei?

So sorry. No Miss Lorelei here.

I steal her handkerchief
at the banquet.

So you wanna make the team too?

It is preferable to joining
one's honorable ancestors,

as you are about to do.

Congratulations to the victor.

I believe you
dropped this, Lorelei.

You defeated a worthy
opponent, Mr. West.

Welcome aboard.

Suppose you tell me.

What's my next assignment?

James, this is a great honor.

You've been chosen
to kill the vice president.

The vice president of what?

The United States.

Oh.

Well, why kill the
vice president?

Why not kill the president?

Iron Hook has already drawn him.

Do we have to talk
about that right now?

There's so little time.

Darling.

Under other circumstances...

Go on.

I'd ask what a girl like you
is doing in a place like this.

He brought me here.

The hanging judge?

He's really a brilliant man.

He's going to save our country.

You believe that too?

What is he going
to save us from?

The enemies... from
without and within.

Ah, hail the chief.
And his first lady.

Imagine me...

Mrs... Who?

I'm not allowed
to talk about that.

Anyway, there's something
else we have to discuss.

What is it?

My legal fees.

I have to leave. The
curfew's been sounded.

That isn't curfew.
It's the alarm.

That Tigo, he doesn't
know one tune from another.

Come in, Mr. West.

We have a little puzzle
here that might amuse you.

This place is a puzzle.

We were drawn to the tower

when we heard Tigo toll
the alarm instead of curfew.

Imagine our surprise to discover

not one, but two Tigos.

It's an amazing
resemblance. Brothers?

Tigo was an only child.

So one of them is an imposter.

He is.

It's him. I'm Tigo. I'm Tigo!

I know that face. Now,
where have I seen...?

Of course. It's Artemus Gordon.

You're wrong. It's his
twin brother Adolphis.

I'm here to avenge
my brother's foul murder

by this killer.

Quick thinking, Adolphis.

But your brother
was an only child too.

Mr. West, how do
you account for this?

It's a mystery to me. I
thought I'd killed him.

Then do it... with this.

Go ahead. Kill him.

How about that?
I missed, didn't I?

You did, indeed.

You don't imagine
I'd be so foolish

as to load more than
one bullet in the gun,

do you, Mr. West?

I suppose not.

Take them below.

That's the way
I figured it, Artie.

He rounded up every top
murderer in the country,

and then he weeded them out

until he came up
with the three best.

To commit three murders.

President Grant,
the vice president

and who else?

The secretary of state.

Probably.

He'd be next in line
for the presidency.

It's a regular coup d'état.

We got to think of some
way for gettin' outta here.

We will.

If we could only
lower that bucket,

we could climb up the rope.

Try this.

Gentlemen, each of
us knows his mission.

We are on the
threshold of a new order.

Twenty... Fifty years from
tonight, the world will recall

that we took history
into our own hands

to create a dynasty of
power and leadership.

Tigo.

Yes, sir.

The hearse moves
out in half an hour.

Yes, sir.

Last time I'll
have to wear that.

Tomorrow you'll be president.

Am I still going to
be your first lady?

Lorelei, the wife of a president

has to be above reproach.

Your conduct with James
West has been disgusting.

Oh, Stephen, darling...

I only wanted you to be
just the tiniest bit jealous.

Jealous?

There's no time for jealousy.

You've been so busy.

You haven't noticed
me for weeks.

Mmm. Perhaps I
have been preoccupied.

We'll kill West and his
partner right now, darling,

if you wish.

Not now.

After it's done,
when I'm in power,

then we'll kill 'em both.

You know, this could make
a pretty entertaining game.

Of course, you use a
ball instead of a rock.

Bucket-ball.

It'll never catch on.

I believe you sank one.

You know, it might be
a good game at that.

The best.

James, my boy, there's a
rope that's rotten to the core.

Any more bright ideas?

Yeah, maybe.

Gunpowder. Mm-hmm.

The fuse. Thank you.

Artie. Yeah.

Did the judge's voice
sound familiar to you?

Yeah, I must say,
it certainly did.

I just couldn't
place it, that's all.

You know, if we could
associate a face with that voice,

then we'd know who it was

that was trying to seize
control of our government.

Three o'clock, and all's well.

Three o'clock, and all's well.

Can you find your way
back to Washington?

Well, sure, the horse
will show me the way.

Good. Warn the president.

Right. What about you?

This place is full of rats.

I'm gonna stay
here and clear it out.

Good luck.

It's time to go.

"My fellow citizens,

"last night in a series
of catastrophic events,

"our country was suddenly
deprived of its leadership.

"As of this moment,

"the United States
has no government.

"To prevent chaos, and
to defeat the evil purpose

"of those ruthless plotters,

I, Senator Stephen Fenlow,
have decided to take control."

Come in.

Gentlemen.

Good day, Senator Fenlow.

Good day.

I hope you forgive
this intrusion.

My card, sir.

I am the assistant to
the secretary of state.

Senator Fenlow, I have
been commissioned to tell you

that, uh, as of last night,

a heinous plot has been launched

to liquidate the government
of these United States.

President Grant,
and the vice president,

and the secretary of state
were the first three victims.

I understand, sir.

As of this moment, we
have no government.

To prevent chaos and
to forestall this evil plan,

I have decided to
go to the White House

and assume control.

Correction.

The only place you're going

is to a federal courtroom

to face trial for treason.

West, how did you...?

Arrest that man.

He's wanted for murder.

Blast it, James. You're
always showboating.

I had this thing all wrapped up.

Artie, how did you
figure it was Fenlow?

Oh, I suddenly placed
the voice, that's all.

I came down here
to double-check.

I'm not Fenlow. I
am the president.

Don't you understand?
I've seized power.

From now on, everybody
will obey my orders.

Arrest those men.

I could have you shot

for disobeying a
presidential directive,

and I am the president.

Now listen to me.

I am the president of the
United States of America,

and the constitution
for which it stands,

one nation, under
God, indivisible...

It's just incredible.

To think that he
actually kept you prisoner

at that awful place
for, uh... how long?

Oh, for weeks.

Oh, yes. It was horrible.

All those murderers
and that... That madman.

Oh, don't think about it.

Just don't think about it.

Voilà. Crêpes suzette. Heh-heh.

Artemus,

oh, you're really very charming.

I know it.

Would you like some
more champagne?

Well, if I do,

I won't be responsible
for my behavior.

There's no problem there.

I'll accept responsibility
for both of us.

James.

I've been waiting
for you all evening.

Well, I haven't.

Where have you been,
and do you have to stay?

I've been out at
Fenlow's private club...

Or what's left of it.
- -rounding up the murderers.

What's going to happen to them?

Oh, they'll be
extradited to stand trial,

and Lorelei, we have
an officer here for you.

Oh, James, oh, you won't
let them take me back.

I can't help it. He
has a warrant. Officer?

Uh...

Artie, if you keep
stealing my girlfriends,

you're gonna end up dead again.

Oh, come on.

Oh, no, no, no. Not from me.

I wouldn't harm a
hair on your head.

From Lorelei.

Lorelei? What about her?

Well, she's also known
as the Peoria Poisoner.

Wh...? What has that to do...?