The Wild Wild West (1965–1969): Season 1, Episode 26 - The Night of the Burning Diamond - full transcript

Your Excellency,

an emissary of the United States
government, Mr. James West.

An honor.

Mr. Minister, my
deepest respects

to you and your government.

To what do I owe the pleasure

of meeting the
redoubtable James West?

We share a problem
of great importance

and some delicacy.

Follow me, please, Mr. West.

Have a seat, Mr. West.



No, thank you.

Now, then, you
mentioned a problem.

Concerning the international
jewel exhibition next week.

A unique event

and a diplomatic triumph
for your young country

to lure the official treasures
of so many nations.

We understand that you're going

to exhibit the Kara Diamond.

A most unusual gem, Mr. West...

A full 200 carats, flawless.

I know, and my government

would like to take
certain measures

to safeguard it.

I'm convinced my own
safety measures are adequate.



We mean no reflection
on your judgment,

but there have
been several daring

and mysterious diamond thefts

in recent weeks, as
you no doubt know...

In Amsterdam, the
diamond-cutting house,

in London, the museum,

in New York, a famous jeweler

and here in San Francisco...

What is it you wish to do?

The United States would
like to take the diamond

into protective custody.

Mr. West, you must be joking.

Did you have an easy
time getting into this room?

I was challenged by armed
guards at the front gate,

at the entrance to the embassy

and at the corridor of
your private chambers.

Three times my
credentials were checked

and I was searched twice,

discreetly, of course.

And right now, I am being
observed through a peephole,

disguised by the portrait
of your esteemed ruler.

You merit your
reputation, Mr. West.

If at any moment there
had been the slightest doubt

of your identity or intentions,

you could have been
cut down instantly.

That is why this room

is a perfectly safe place
for the Kara Diamond.

This room?

Only for the most
privileged guests,

a private showing.

Two of those would make
quite a pair of cuff links.

Huh? Oh, a joke.

You Americans do like
your little jokes, don't you?

We also like 200-carat diamonds.

It's a beautiful stone.

One of the world's finest.

That is why I do
not wish it to leave

the perfect protection
we have provided for it.

Every place that's
been robbed lately

has been perfectly protected,
or so the people think.

Relax, Mr. West.

Nothing can happen
to the Kara here.

There's only one
door to the room,

the hall outside is
patrolled 24 hours a day,

and we Serbians are jealous

of our national treasures.

As for the windows,
well, let me show you.

There, you see.

The fence is high

and the guards are ever vigilant

with orders to
shoot if necessary.

This room is as safe...

The Kara... it's gone.

This glass exploded
with tremendous force.

All right... all right,

you have made
your point, Mr. West.

It was made for me.

Even before I
arrived in this country,

I heard strange
accounts of your talents,

but I was uninformed
that you are a magician.

Magician?

I suggest that your
trick was most effective,

although perhaps
not in the best of taste.

Mr. Minister, this event
was as mysterious to me

as it is to you, sir.

A perfect performance

carried to logical conclusion.

Now, tell me at once what you
have done with our diamond.

I was, if you remember,
standing over there

at the window with you.

But that is the essence

of magical performances...

To make it appear
impossible for the conjurer...

I'm a government agent.

My job was to warn you that
your jewel could be stolen.

That's all.

You will return the
diamond at once.

Within this consulate

you are on Serbian
soil, Mr. West.

Oh, I warn you, unless
we recover our diamond,

you will not be allowed
to leave here alive.

All right.

Look under the statue
of your esteemed ruler.

Guards!

Guards!

Easy now, Clive.

Be careful.

All right.

Have a nice trip, old girl.

Whoa, whoa.

Giddyap.

Oh, good afternoon.

Is the, uh, lady
of the house in?

The lady of the house.

Uh...

Ich moechte die Dame
des Hauses sprechen, ja?

Je veux voir la
dame de la maison,

s'il vous plaît...
Ta maîtresse, oui?

Boy, I really picked a winner.

Um, Lady Margaret Midas.

Midas.

Artemus Gordon, huh?

She's expecting me.

Oh, thank you very much, miss.

I was having a little trouble

with your manservant.

I guess I don't
speak his dialect.

Very few people do.

Oh, no.

You're much too pretty
to be Lady Margaret.

Lady Margaret has
recently departed.

Oh.

Well, it's, uh, very
important that I see her.

When do you expect her back?

I think not for some time.

Well, have you any idea
where I can contact her?

That would be very difficult.

I can't understand that.

She was expecting me.

She didn't mention it.

She asked for federal protection

for the Queen Anne Triplet...

The diamonds
she plans to exhibit

at the international jewel show.

I'm here to provide
that protection.

She said nothing of this.

I don't mean to seem
impertinent, miss,

but, uh, just who are you?

Well... I must drop
around again sometime

and have another
cozy little chat.

First of all,

let's just look at the facts.

The diamonds disappear
in broad daylight,

yet nobody has
ever seen a thief.

Second, nothing's ever
missing except diamonds.

Other valuable gems,
even in the same case,

are left untouched.

The third, there's
always an indication

of some tremendous
force being present,

like, uh, the shattered glass.

Interesting, but not
very illuminating.

Well, one thing at a time.

Now, here's my thought.

Maybe those diamonds

aren't being stolen at all.

Maybe through the application

of that tremendous force,

they are being made...

Now, will you believe this...

To explode from within.

Artie, do you believe it?

No, you think I'm
some kind of a nut?

Yes, sir.

I want to see James West.

West...

West... West.

That name seems
awfully familiar.

Uh...

I'm Thaddeus Baines,

special envoy from Washington.

Oh, yes, sir.

Do come in.

Thank you.

West and Gordon...
The unconquerable duo.

I wish I could say I
was pleased, but I'm not.

I've just come from
the Serbian consulate.

That must have been jolly.

I know you only
by reputation, West.

Perhaps I shouldn't be
surprised by what you've done.

And what have I done?

You have created

a major international incident.

The Serbian minister
has registered

an official complaint
with our state department.

Well, I always try to please.

Because of you, our government

is in a very
embarrassing position.

To say that you have
failed in your mission

would be an outrageous
understatement.

Where do you fit in, Mr. Baines?

I'm the president's
special envoy charged

with seeing that this
international jewel exhibit

reflects credit on
our government.

Very nice.

Too bad you don't demonstrate
such efficiency in your work.

What happened today at the
consulate follows the pattern

of thefts of all the diamonds.

There was nothing I could
have done to have prevented it.

Do you realize
the diplomatic effort

that went into this project
and what it could mean to us?

It could prove we've
come of age as a country,

or it could be the
most costly fiasco

in our diplomatic history.

Right.

So do you have any
clues so far, any theories?

Well, I thought, uh,

just possibly the diamonds

might have been in
some way, uh, exploded.

Exploding diamonds?!

Nonsense.

An inert object
does not explode,

and a diamond would no more
explode than... than this would.

Don't shake that!

You just never know
about inert objects.

Thanks.

Lady Margaret, please.

James West calling.

I shall announce your presence.

Hello, Sultan.

You're looking fat these days.

Good afternoon, Mr. West.

Good afternoon.

Is Lady Margaret at home?

Unfortunately my aunt
has recently departed

on a long voyage.

I'm Morgan Midas.

This is my fiancée,
Lucretia Ivronin.

How do you do?

You're a very lucky man.

Your aunt must have altered
her plans rather suddenly.

Yes.

Well, it was a reoccurrence

of her old ailment, the gout.

The only remedy is the
mineral waters of Germany.

She asked us to
care for her house

until she returns.

I see.

Well, she must have informed you

of her promise to
show the diamonds

at the international
exhibit next week.

No, she never mentioned it.

Well, my partner,
Mr. Gordon, was here today

to discuss the matter.

He received a
very cold reception.

Oh...

Oh, that must have been

the gentleman my
fiancée spoke about.

Well, you see, uh, I
was out at the time,

and my fiancée hasn't been

in this country
very long, and...

Well, in her country,

the custom is to be
wary of strangers.

I'm sorry I didn't understand.

I apologize.

Well, that's
perfectly all right.

But that still
leaves the problem

of the three large diamonds
she was going to show,

the Queen Anne Triplet.

Oh, well, Mr. West, I
think you understand

that I couldn't possibly let
the diamonds leave this house

without the specific
consent of my aunt.

And under the circumstances,

it would be difficult
to reach her.

But we already
have it, in writing.

I'm sure you'll recognize

your aunt's handwriting.

This is a letter that she sent

to our envoy in Washington,
Thaddeus Baines.

Yes, well, I know Mr. Baines
slightly through my aunt.

I can't imagine why she
didn't tell me about this.

Must have been her illness.

But her entire
collection is in the safe,

is it not?

Yes, and I don't even
know the combination.

I'll open it for you.

Uh... Mr. West, I
could hardly, uh...

It's my job to protect
and secure the diamonds

until the showing, and
I intend to do my job.

Very well, but I must warn you,

it's a very good safe.

I'm a very good safecracker.

Fancy.

Show him the safe, Lucretia.

I'll be back in a moment.

Please, Mr. West.

Imagine that.

It's empty.

I don't understand.

I don't either, and I'd like to.

I'm afraid your fiancé and you

will have to come with me.

Well, surely that's
not necessary.

Can't we discuss it?

That's a start.

I'll bet you've never been
kissed like that before.

Has he, Midas?

Mr. Gordon...

I've heard so much about
your ingenious devices,

I hope you've contrived

some effective
burglar alarms here.

Touch the display case.

Go ahead, just
touch the outside of it.

Well, what was that?

You've just had
your picture taken.

Would you like me
to send you a copy?

No, thanks.

I'm afraid my expression

wouldn't be, uh, typical of me.

Satisfied, sir?

Uh, not exactly.

Alarms are all
very well and good,

but we need some more
positive kind of protection.

The entire place is going to
be surrounded by soldiers...

Oh, yes, yes, of course,

but, uh, humans
are all too fallible.

Mr. Baines, this display
case is going to house

the most expensive of
all the jewels in the exhibit.

Believe me, sir, it
is well protected.

Oh... really?

Don't!

I see what you mean.

I'm so glad.

Now, if you'll just let me
get to work, Mr. Baines.

I'll try to have this ready

for the arrival of
the jewels tomorrow.

Yes, well... thank you.

This is fine, but, uh,
what are you doing

about the entrance to this room?

Pressure plates, Mr. Baines.

Once any of these display cases

have been disturbed in any way,

the slightest pressure
on the floor at the entrance

will cause two barred
gratings to close,

and, presto, you'll
have your thieves.

Well, all right, but I want

to impress on you
that, uh, our government

is assuming full responsibility

for the safety
of this exhibition,

and, uh, if there
are any thefts made,

heads will roll... yours.

I'll, uh... try to remember
that, Mr. Baines.

Excuse me, please.

Oh, by the way,
where's West today?

I was told that you two
always work together.

Well, we always
do work together...

Separately.

Yes...

Well, considering the
importance of this job,

I'd like to be able to get
in touch with either of you

at all times.

Where is West?

I can't say for
certain, Mr. Baines,

but wherever he is,

I assure you, he
is perfectly all right.

I'm sorry to place you

in such an uncomfortable
position, Mr. West,

but it's quite essential

that I insulate you from
surrounding objects.

It's quite a setup.

Yes, isn't it?

You see, I'm
somewhat of a scientist.

I have a small
experiment in progress.

But I'm sure you know
something about that.

Why should I?

I thought that was the reason...

you were so insistent

upon seeing my aunt's diamonds.

I told you, my job was

to protect the diamonds
at the exhibition.

Apparently I'm too late.

Time, sir, is relative.

But you're right,
you are too late.

Bright, isn't it?

Burning at 4,000 degrees.

You see, my little project
requires a great direct heat.

4,000 degrees?

Why, with that kind of
heat, you could burn a...

Quite correct, sir, I
could burn a diamond.

How much do you
know about my work?

Not a thing.

It was a shot in the dark.

How much do you know

about the burning diamond?

Nothing.

That was a gentle
example, Mr. West.

I want to know the truth.

I told you the truth.

By now you have assumed
that I'm responsible

for misappropriating
the diamonds

or you wouldn't be here.

But why?

Nothing... I told you.

Is that what you did to
your aunt, electrocute her?

I told you, my aunt
was traveling in Europe

for her health.

Everyone knows your aunt
doesn't go anywhere without her cat.

My work... I want to know
what you know about my work.

I told you, nothing.

I can give you more.

You burn diamonds,
that's obvious.

But why?

Why?

Tell me!

I don't remember.

Ah, yes, perhaps I
gave you too much.

The current sometimes
has the effect

of interfering with the memory.

But then, maybe
if I gave you more,

you'd forget all about
my little experiment.

You'd forget everything.

You're not going to kill him.

You're too
soft-hearted, Lucretia.

It was your idea
to spare the cat.

That was a mistake.

But I may not have to kill him.

I might destroy his memory.

It's a hard thing to do,

but then this is a
game for high stakes.

You watch him...
I'll be right back.

I just saved your
life, Mr. West.

Thanks.

I'll never forget you.

Oh, yes, you will, very soon.

Yes, sir?

Count Felix von
Schleswig und Holzbergen

to see Lady Margaret, please.

Count Felix von Schleswig

to see Lady Margaret, sir.

I'm terribly sorry,
but she's not home.

Well, of course she is.

I told her I was coming.

I told you, she isn't here.

Well, she will be.

I will wait.

We are the oldest of friends.

Have you seen my aunt recently?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

We have the
correspondence, you see.

No, I met her originally,
it was in Heidelberg.

I wasn't aware that my aunt

was ever in Heidelberg.

I was not aware your
aunt had a nephew.

She's a great one
for secrets, no, eh?

I will wait.

You go on about your
business, young man.

I will be perfectly
comfortable here.

Well, if you'll excuse me,

I'll have my fiancée come down

and entertain you.

Thank you very much.

Go on about your work.

I will wait here.

Clive, get the
count some brandy.

There's some old fool downstairs

who insists he's a
friend of my aunt's.

He wants to wait for her.

That may take a while.

Go down, butter him
up and get rid of him.

I've got to take
care of the process.

It's almost to
the critical point.

There's another drop forming.

West was conscious
but only for a moment.

I'll take care of him later.

I have the strangest feeling
that you somehow look familiar.

How charming, my dear.

I only wish I could
say the same of you.

I'm afraid Lady
Margaret may be very late

in returning today.

Ach, I don't mind.

I wait.

I have to talk with her

something very important
about a friend of ours.

I'm afraid he may be in
some, uh, slight difficulty.

What was that?

Oh, the servants are
moving some furniture.

They're so clumsy.

More brandy?

No, thank you.

I'd better go help your movers.

Clive! Rudd!

Have a nice trip?

Hey!

Now, that's no way
to treat an old man!

Oh!

Clive, Clive!

Let's go.

Thanks.

Feeling better?

Thank you.

Oh, would you mind, please,
the, uh... the mutton chops?

Oh.

Ooh.

Thank you...

Uh, the nose, too.

The nose?

It comes off.

Oh.

Oh, thank you.

Now, would you mind telling
me, please, what hit me?

You wouldn't believe
me if I told you.

Try me.

All right.

It was Midas.

That's impossible.

I would have seen him.

No one could have seen him.

He was moving
too fast to be seen.

I told you you
wouldn't believe me.

Oh, of course.

He was moving
too fast to be seen.

He distills the fluid using
the burning diamonds.

It speeds up the metabolism
thousands of times.

He moves so
fast, he's invisible.

Why, the time it takes
you to scratch your ear,

he could have
taken a leisurely walk

out of town.

Ridiculous.

In the time it took you to say
that he could have taken a nap.

Moving too fast to be seen.

That's pretty farfetched.

Who do you think
hit both of you?

That's a good question, Jim.

All right.

I don't have any
other explanation.

But how about you?

How do you fit in?

I'm a very practical girl.

I want a lot of things,

and Midas is invulnerable
after he's taken the fluid.

He can do anything.

Which makes him a
good provider, of course.

Can you imagine a better one?

The whole world is
spread out for his taking.

Money, power... anything.

You might as well stop
fighting him, Mr. West.

You can't win.

Besides...

Besides?

I rather like you.

You're very attractive.

But not as attractive as Midas.

I told you I was very practical.

You could help us.

Midas wouldn't like that.

No, thank you.

I'd rather live and enjoy
the finer things in life.

Good-bye.

I do wish you were
going to live a little longer.

You know, I wish
the same thing, too.

Most interesting.

Will it be enough?

More than enough.

Over a thousand
carats in all, I imagine.

And at a hundred
carats a drop...

Enough to distill ten drops.

Enough to give me the
power to do whatever I please.

To remove whomever I please.

Enough to set up an organization

which will make
me totally invincible.

But this place,
all these people.

If something goes wrong...

Nothing will go wrong.

I have enough fluid left

to do more than needs be done.

Well, gentlemen.

Comfy?

Just fine.

I always sleep like this.

I admire a man who
keeps his sense of humor

even under such
serious circumstances.

I've a little
proposition for you.

I accept.

You may.

You would be wise to.

I'm an ambitious man,
gentlemen, but not a greedy one.

Nor am I particularly selfish.

What would you
say if I offered you

total, unlimited power
and all that goes with it?

Wealth, luxury, influence.

And a great big catch.

A small catch, Mr. West.

You see, you gentlemen

are resourceful and formidable.

To an ordinary
man, your opposition

would probably be
too much to overcome.

But you're not an ordinary man.

You've noticed.

How nice.

No, sir, I'm not.

I'm most extraordinary.

Well, at least you have
extraordinary reflexes.

Uh, you said something
about a proposition?

Come work for me.

With me.

I assure you, the pay
will be much better.

I don't know.

We work for an old,
established company.

With marvelous
retirement benefits.

My company is young,
with a great growth potential.

It's growing, and if
you're smart, gentlemen,

you can grow with it.

Why do you need us?

Well, I don't actually need you,

but you've shown
considerable skill and daring.

Such men are valuable.

Think carefully.

I'm offering you a chance
to become my partner.

I think you have some idea
of... of what that could mean.

Be more specific.

What do you want us to do?

You could help me.

I've made a few
discreet inquiries,

and I found out you, Mr. Gordon,

have set up a number of
traps at the jewelry exhibition.

I assure you they
would give me no trouble.

But I like to do
things the easy way.

You could simplify matters
by helping me to avoid them.

Just for the record,
what if we refuse?

I'll probably kill you.

Or, as a favor to Lucretia,

I might just destroy your
minds and turn you loose.

You're all heart.

I think we'll accept your offer.

Good.

I know what you're thinking.

You'll go along with me

only until you see a
chance to trip me up.

He reads minds, too.

But I have a way

to ensure your future loyalty.

I'm going to give a taste
of the diamond elixir...

and you can see for
yourselves the power it confers.

We're almost there.

Let's check those restraints.

Ah, we've arrived.

I needn't warn you
gentlemen not to run away.

I never was much good
at the three-legged race.

It takes a few seconds
for it to take effect.

There'll be a small
sip for each of you.

Twice as much for me.

You'll feel a
burning, a dizziness.

It's perfectly normal;
it'll pass quickly.

Feeling better?

Yes.

But nothing has changed.

Oh, but you're wrong.

There's a very great change.

Shall we go, gentlemen?

You mean you've
decided to trust us?

Not in the slightest.

The gun just happens
to be totally useless now.

Look around, gentlemen.

Find it interesting?

It must be falling.

It is...

At 32 feet per second.

And in the quarter of a second
it takes to reach the ground,

we'll be halfway
through our job.

Coming, gentlemen?

Incredible.

Yes, isn't it?

There's only one warning.

Don't stand in
one spot too long...

or they may get
a glimpse of you.

But for that to happen,

you'd have to remain
motionless so long

that you'd probably get bored.

What's that odd sound,
almost like clicking?

Well, these people you see

with their mouths so
comically open are speaking.

What you're actually hearing

are the separate vibrations

of the sound wave.

And they can't hear us.

That's right,

because you see, our
longest sentence is far briefer

than, say, uh...

oh, a tick of the watch.

How can our bodies stand this?

Simply because our
reflexes are so incredibly fast.

We react before we allow
our momentum to injure us.

Then we're invulnerable.

There's no danger to us?

There is one danger...

Air friction.

During my first experiment,

I got rather carried away
and was badly scorched.

One mustn't move too quickly.

Hey, what's that for?

Oh, I'm sorry to
be so primitive,

but you see, I must
ensure your cooperation,

and bullets are
far too slow for us.

Now, Mr. Gordon,

tell me of any devices
protecting this case

or your friend dies.

And I assure you, he would be

quite a burden to you.

Put that away, I'll cooperate.

There's a flash camera
and an alarm triggered

to go off if a case is touched.

By that time,
we'll be long gone.

You know, I used
to just break these

with a flick of a finger.

But it's such a bore

separating the
diamonds from the glass.

Now, gentlemen, shall
we get the really big ones?

Well, Mr. Baines, our noted
envoy from Washington.

It might be fun to...

No, there's not enough time.

Well, Mr. Gordon, what did
you devise for this display?

Well, I've hidden
some guillotine blades

in the frame up here.

They come down if the
case is disturbed in any way.

Oh, but much too slowly.

I used the most powerful springs

I could possibly find.

We've got to stop this.

Well, I'll step on
the pressure plate.

When he gets to the
door, the bars come down.

But he's moving so quickly.

I don't think we should bother

with the rest of the display.

If you will, gentlemen.

Pain in my chest.

Me, too, just now.

That means the drug
is wearing off... for you.

I took more.

You'd better hurry along.

The effect wears
off quite rapidly.

Try to explain that.

Ta-ta, gentlemen.

The thieves.

Oh, you'll pay for this!

Oh, how you'll pay for this!

Caught with the
goods, red-handed!

Sorry about that, Baines.

It's not bad enough that
Baines thinks we're guilty,

but that can wait.

The question is:

How do we stop Midas now
that he's got the diamond?

Listen, if he brews up
enough of that juice,

there'll be no stopping him.

Mmm.

Artie, do you have a cigar?

It just so happens I do.

Guard!

Do you have a light?

Now, go tell Baines
we're ready to talk.

He's going to be very unhappy

when he finds out
we wanted to talk

and you wouldn't let us.

See if there's an open window.

I'll meet you around back.

Nope, all the doors
and windows are locked,

bolted from the inside.

That one's open a crack.

Well, go ahead, sprout wings.

Why not?

Oh... don't tell me.

Which end do you prefer?

The end that stays down...

My feathers haven't come in yet.

All right, then up the fence.

Anytime you're ready.

I'll open the back door.

Beef Stroganoff!

Mmm!

Oh, boy, that young fellow
really knows how to live.

I don't hear anyone.

Good, we can
have it all ourselves.

Later, Artie.

Give me a few seconds

and then make as much
racket as you can down here.

Won't that create a bad
impression on the servants?

Right.

You keep them busy
while I jump Midas.

Hit him one for me.

Come into the library,
I'll show you what to do.

Mmm...

Mmm.

One precious drop.

Now to mix it
with distilled water.

Why do you do that?

Well, the fluid
is very volatile.

It evaporates rapidly
unless it's diluted.

Quick, the kitchen.

Oh, boy, from
here on it's all uphill.

What on earth is the cook doing?

I'll go see.

Get the gun, quick!

Shoot! Shoot!

I took much more than you did,
West, you haven't got a chance.

As for you, Lucretia, I won't
forget how you failed me...

I'll finish you later.

Lucretia, throw me the gun.

We're moving too fast.

We'll burn up from air friction.

Feel the pain?

It's already wearing off.

Alcohol!

What was it?

That was your friend.

He spilled alcohol on himself.

His air friction set it off.

How horrible.

How did you do it?

Oh, I cheated, I...

I used force.