The Wild Wild West (1965–1969): Season 1, Episode 18 - The Night of the Grand Emir - full transcript

Well, from the
look of the terrain,

I'd say we're about
half a day's ride

from the Mexican border.

Which means, I think,
we're about an hour away

from Fort Challenge.

We haven't passed man
or beast in over a day.

I swear, I don't know
who would be thinking

of taking over this territory.

Well, we'll find out
when we get to the fort

and talk to Sergeant
Tobin. Yeah.

I can understand why an
old soldier like Charlie Tobin



would upset the chain of command

and write directly
to the president.

Who'd want to be stuck
in this isolated place?

I think someone just
invited us to dinner, pal.

Yeah.

Hyah!

Hello?

Anybody home?

Hello!

Somebody rang that dinner bell.

Hello.

Jim!

Must be something
wrong with the water.

The horses won't drink it.



Poor devil.

Knifed in the back.

He must have been the
owner of this homestead.

"Death to the gringos."

It's signed, "Los Pistoleros."

Aren't those the ones trying
to take over the territory?

Let's ask them.

Looks like we were expected.

Did I hear big mouth correctly?

Yep, they're going to hang you

and take me with them.

No hard feelings, Jim.

I resent that.

What do you think they
have planned for you, Artie?

I don't want to
wait to find out.

If I could just get my hand in

and take this out
of the waistband.

Un momento!

Uh, sorry, amigo.

You heard the man, Artie.

He said, "Drop it."

Guess I'd better.

This could go on all day.

Let's quit playing
with them, huh, Artie?

Artie.

Artie, why do you suppose
they wanted to kill me

and capture you?

Well, maybe I'm more
valuable, that's all.

Well, whoever thought that

has a picture of you.

There was a leak
about our trip here.

It had to come
from Fort Challenge.

Now, that doesn't do me justice.

"Bernal's, Tohachi, Arizona."

Know him?

No, but I'm gonna
make it a point

to get better acquainted.

Do that.

I'm going to take Señor
Pistolero to the fort.

He's got some explaining to do.

See you.

Go on! Get on in there!

Get in there!

I'm sorry, sir.

Colonel Roper is down in
the border hunting Pistoleros,

and Major Robinson's on patrol.

Well, I'm sorrier.
Who's in charge here?

I am, sir. Lieutenant Murray.

I'd like to welcome
you to Fort Challenge.

Thank you, lieutenant.

My name's James West,
and I'm with the government.

Yes, sir, I know. We've
been expecting you.

You know?

What's your source of
information, lieutenant?

Sir?

My coming here was
supposed to be a secret mission

known only to Colonel Roper.

Now, is he in the habit

of confiding in junior officers?

Well, Sergeant Tobin
didn't exactly keep it a secret

that he'd written
to the president.

He even gave a
copy to the colonel.

That was, of course,
after he'd mailed the letter.

I see. Well, then, I'd better
see Charlie Tobin right away.

That is, unless
he's on patrol too.

No, sir. He's in the guardhouse.

Why?

For assaulting an officer,

making wild charges,

and conducting himself
in an unmilitary manner.

That doesn't sound like
the Sergeant Tobin I know.

You'd better take
me to him right away.

Sir, unless you can
show me a written order

giving you access
to the prisoner,

you'll have to wait
till the colonel returns.

And you don't know when
that will be, lieutenant?

No, sir, I don't.

Sorry, mister.

No civilians allowed
in the guardhouse.

Yeah, well, sergeant,

I want to talk to that
Pistolero I brought in.

Not a chance, mister.

You just want to
see Sergeant Tobin.

I've had orders to keep you out.

Orders from Lieutenant Murray?

He's in command right now.

Charlie.

Jim?

Jim, boy.

I got the word you'd
come, but I can't believe it.

I came as fast as
I could, Charlie.

Where's Artemus?

He's in Tohachi, but
he'll be along soon.

Good, good.

I knew General Grant
wouldn't desert me.

Let's get a look at you.

It is Jim West, isn't it?

You can see me, Charlie.

Seeing ain't enough these days.

That's one thing I
learned, but not in time.

What do you mean, Charlie?

It starts below the
border, with the Pistoleros,

and up here there's
a plot brewing.

We're surrounded
by spies and traitors

right in the fort.

You, uh, sure of that, Charlie?

I got to get out of here.

They can't let me
live. I know too much.

When Colonel Roper
gets back, I'll talk to him.

Right now, you better give
me some more information

before Lieutenant
Murray finds out I'm here.

How do you know he's Murray?

What do you mean, how
do I know he's Murray?

I said how do you know
he's Lieutenant Murray?

Because Colonel Roper
put him in charge of this fort,

and that's enough
for me, Charlie.

Maybe you're too
easy satisfied, Jim.

Or maybe you ain't Jim
at all. How do I know?

Eyes aren't enough
anymore. I need proof.

You prove to me you're Jim West.

Remember that farmhouse
on the road to Shiloh?

There was a little
white farmhouse

with apple trees all in
bloom when we was there.

That's because it was
in the spring, Charlie.

Right.

And the farmer's two daughters,

what were their names?

Charlie, that was
a long time ago.

Jim West would remember.

Let me think.

The older girl, the
one with the black hair,

her name was, uh... Was Zedra.

But I can't remember
the other girl's name.

All right, Jim.

I'm sorry. I just
had to be sure.

Listen, this Lieutenant
Murray, he's a ringer.

The Pistoleros planted him here.

Artemus Gordon, he'll know.

The real Murray
was in his regiment.

Artemus is coming
along soon, Charlie.

I can't wait, Jim.

You gotta get me out of here.

All right, mister.

You wanted in so bad,
I'm gonna lock you up.

Guard. Get up!

Drop that gun belt.

Tobin, you can't...

Now kick them keys over here.

Good afternoon, señor.

Do you wish to
have a photograph?

Uh, thank you very
much. I-I already have one.

Well, it fails to do
you justice, señor.

The photographer
was very stupid.

The photographer was you.

Heh. Impossible.

Hmm. Oh, I remember now.

A customer brought me a negative

and asked for some
copies to be made.

How many?

Um, a dozen.

What was the name
of the customer?

Uh. It was a long
time ago, señor.

Maybe two weeks.

I remember faces,
but, uh, names...

It's a minor failing,
curable by your records.

Could you look the name up?

My records are
confidential, señor.

I do not reveal such
information to strangers.

Could you make an exception?

Never.

Try.

You insist?

I'm afraid I do.

Very well. Follow me.

This is my assistant.

A little higher with
your chin, señor, please.

Thank you.

Here it is.

The customer was a
man called Sanchos.

Sanchos. Where would I find him?

Over here, señor.

Sanchos' aim has
improved since this morning.

Don't you agree, señor?

I don't believe we've me...

Lie still, please.

I want to observe
your condition.

Do you have pain?

Behind the throat.

Temporary impairment
of the vocal cord.

It will pass in a few days.

Now, can you remember
what happened to you?

No. I was...

I was in Bernal's.

The photographer...

Where am I now?

In my hacienda.

I've seen you before, señor.

You were in Bernal's.

I went to much time and trouble

to apprehend you, Señor Gordon.

Passing out photographs
to the Pistoleros.

In the end, it was
all unnecessary

because you came to me.

Eh, tell me, would it be

prying to ask why you want me?

To fulfill a function.

It would be pointless
to go into detail,

and quite dangerous.

In time, it will all be
made clear to you.

Well, since I have urgent
business elsewhere,

I may have to leave before that.

Of course, Señor Gordon.

Feel free to leave at any time.

Come along, Dr. Winterich.

Who are the Pistoleros?

I wish I knew, Mr. West.

I wish I understood the meaning

behind their excursions.

They burn, they kill,
they create terror,

all without any visible
pattern or meaning.

My troopers take
the field against them,

they scatter and
reform below the border.

What are the Mexican authorities

doing about it, colonel?

Apparently nothing.

I've dispatched the
strongest possible protest

to Colonel Vega of
the Sonora garrison,

but so far, there's
been no answer.

On top of all this,

all these wild accusations
from Sergeant Tobin.

Maybe there's some
connection, colonel.

Salud.

Salud.

You've talked to him.

Does he seem like a
rational man to you?

He sounds like a frightened
man to me, colonel.

A man who has something to
say and no one to listen to him.

Hm. Nobody except the
president of the United States.

Yes?

Sergeant?

The search party
has just returned, sir.

Fine. Have they brought
Sergeant Tobin back with them?

Yes, sir.

Very good. Let's go. West.

Sir, we overtook the
prisoner near Tohachi

and ordered him to surrender.

Instead, he began to
fire at us from cover.

We had no alternative
but to return fire.

Who shot this man?

I couldn't tell, Mr. West.
We were all firing.

You gave the order.

My actions are not subject
to review by a civilian.

That's enough, lieutenant.

You and your men are dismissed.

Yes, sir.

Corporal McKay, move them out.

Colonel, does that end it?

He shouldn't have resisted.

Sir, don't you think
it's sort of curious

that the man that was accused

of being an
impersonator by Tobin

is the man that
brought back his body?

Sergeant Tobin made
many accusations.

None of them were substantiated.

Can you vouch for
Lieutenant Murray, sir?

He was transferred here

from Fort Leavenworth
two months ago.

His papers were
entirely in order.

Well, I know someone
who can vouch for him,

my partner, Artemus
Gordon. He's in Tohachi.

I have a feeling Tobin
was headed that way

when he was killed.

Then I suggest
you find Mr. Gordon

and settle this
question for yourself.

That's what I intend to do, sir,

if I'm not bushwhacked
on the way.

Mr. West.

Yes, sir?

I'll ride with you.

Yes, sir.

No, gracias.

Adios.

Señorita.

Hello?

Mr. Bernal?

Jim?

Hey, Jim!

Artie.

Where the devil you been?

Oh,

Mexico.

I was shanghaied.

By the Pistoleros?

Nobody else.

I came to with
a terrible throat.

I don't know, some hacienda
ten miles below the border.

What about you? You find out
anything about what's going on?

No, people seem
to keep dying on me.

Like who?

Tobin.

Charlie?

Bernal.

For a while, I had
my doubts about you.

Oh, no. I'm fine. I...

Hey, is that Alvin Murray?

Alvin?

Hey.

Look, I didn't know you
were stationed out here.

Yes, sir. Mighty nice seeing
you again, Captain Gordon.

Pleasure. Look at you, you're
all grown up. You look great.

Thank you, sir. You know
my partner, James West?

Yes, sir, we've
had the pleasure.

Colonel Roper's
looking for you, Mr. West.

He's waiting for
you over at the hotel.

We're on our way
right now, lieutenant.

Good. Well, then,

hope to see you at the
fort, Captain Gordon.

Indeed. Good night, gentlemen.

Goodnight, goodnight Alvin.

Oh, there's a fine boy.

You know, he used to
be bugler in my regiment.

Mm. Let's go see
the colonel, Artie.

Right.

Artie. Yeah.

Charlie Tobin was
sure that you'd expose

Lieutenant Murray
as an imposter.

Oh, no. I'd know him anywhere.

The kid's been
a friend for years.

Is he dead?

And two.

Honor squad, prepare to fire.

Ready.

Load.

Fire.

Reload.

Fire.

Reload.

Fire.

Order, arms.

About face.

Forward march.

Goodbye, colonel.

There's never anything to
be said at a time like this,

the loss of a comrade
after so many years.

But if it's of any
comfort to you, West,

remind yourself
that he was a soldier,

and he died like one.

The comfort will come, colonel,

from finding the man
that shot him in the back.

What will you do now?

Something you can't do.

I'm gonna cross that
border into Mexico.

Yes, it's true that I can't lead

an armed force into Mexico,

but I can and will go myself.

The assassination of Gordon

has brought the border
situation to a head.

Colonel Vega has
agreed to meet with me.

Oh, Mr. West, I'd appreciate it

if, when you're in the area,

you'd inform Colonel Vega

that I will be at
his headquarters

shortly after dawn.

Colonel.

If you operate in Mexico

without Colonel Vega's sanction,

you will worsen
the border situation.

Yes, sir.

Hyah!

Hello, Americano.

I drink tequila too.

Here, drink this one.

Not alone.

Otro tequila, por favor.

Salud. Salud.

Who you kill?

No one.

You on the run,

and you come to Mexico to hide.

Because you steal much money?

No, I'm looking for
someone, that's why.

A man or a woman?

A man.

So am I.

This man's name is
Sanchos. You know him?

No.

Why don't you ask your friends?

This man had a big mustache

and carried a
bone-handled knife.

Hm.

Señor, por favor.

You leave my cantina now.

Why?

Because when there's trouble,

the soldados come.

Why is there
going to be trouble?

If you don't leave
my cantina now,

my friends are going
to throw you out,

and that, señor, is trouble.

A representative of
a foreign government

is expected to
present his credentials

to the proper authority.

In the province of
Sonora, Señor West,

I am the proper authority.

I know that, colonel,

but I didn't want to
disturb your evening.

But I have been disturbed.

My dinner was interrupted.

My apologies, colonel,
but since I am here,

I have a message
from Colonel Roper.

He plans to come here?

Early tomorrow.

Meanwhile, you will continue

the search for this man Sanchos?

With your permission.

Yes.

Since he killed your friend,

I suspect you will continue
with or without my permission.

Therefore, I grant it.

Thank you, colonel.

Do you have any idea
who you are looking for?

Oh, I know the man, all right,

and I know his weapon.

Goodbye, colonel,
and thank you again.

Eas... Easy.

That's right, Sanchos.

Take a good look at the
man who's gonna kill you.

No, wait. I am not
prepared to die.

Neither was the man
you shot in the back.

Now we shall see who
is going to die, gringo.

Sanchos, you're a dying man.

You've killed a lot
of men in your time.

Save your soul.

Tell me, why did you
kill Artemus Gordon?

Your friend had to die

because of his importance.

His death

would bring the American
colonel to Mexico.

He will be assassinated.

When?

When he crosses the border.

Tell me, who's
the head Pistolero?

Tell me.

Colonel!

Whoa.

Who is that? I can't tell.

He seems excited
about something.

Hyah. Hyah!

Colonel! Hyah!

Colonel!

Colonel!

Señor, there is a
doctor at my hacienda.

They are both at your service.

May I present myself, señor?

I am Armando Galiano.

How far is your hacienda?

Less than a mile, señor.

Everyone wait outside, please.

Quickly! This man
may be seriously injured.

West, wait.

Get back to the fort.

Tell Major Hudson
to make no move

unless he hears from me.

Yes, sir.

Take good care of him, doctor.

Yes.

Hold it.

It's amazing.

Could you tell which is
the real Colonel Roper?

As good as your double.

I'll be taking off for
Fort Apache now.

Good. Everything will be
ready by the time you get back.

What have you done
with Alvin Murray?

What's...? What's going on?

Who was that?

It's a lot too complicated

to explain right now, colonel,

but what it boils down
to is that a Pistolero

is now commanding
officer of Fort Challenge.

Colonel, would you mind

getting down to
the end of that pipe

and seeing whether you
can help me turn this?

All right?

Here we go.

Once more.

Come in.

Colonel, Lieutenant
Murray has just been sighted.

He should be here right away.

Very well, sergeant.

Have all the officers report
here for a staff meeting.

You and your men stand by.

Yes, sir, and Mr. West
would like to see you.

West?

Oh, sergeant, uh,

don't we have
anything to drink here?

Your private stock, sir.

In the right bottom drawer.

Oh, yes, of course. Thank you.

Oh, uh, and send
Mr. West in, please.

Yes, sir.

How are you feeling, colonel?

Oh, fine, fine.

It's nothing serious. Just a...

Just a slight concussion.

Have you uncovered anything?

Yes, sir. I found the man
that killed Artemus Gordon.

He died before he could tell
me who the head Pistolero was.

His identity isn't that
much of a mystery.

You know who it is, sir?

Come, come, Mr. West.

These terrorists couldn't
operate out of Mexico

without the knowledge
and sanction

of Vega's garrison.

Have you found
new evidence, sir?

Evidence? Isn't that what you
were sent down here to get?

I must tell you,
Mr. West, that a full report

has been sent to President Grant

from Fort Apache.

Gentlemen,

a communiqué from
the commander-in-chief.

I quote the president.

"These repeated border
violations by the Pistoleros,

"along with the brutal
murder of Artemus Gordon,

"and the attack
against Colonel Roper,

"constitute warlike actions

"by a foreign power.

"I therefore direct

"that prompt and retributive
measures be taken

against the Sonora
garrison in Mexico."

Well, that's clear enough, sir.

There's only one
interpretation to this, gentlemen.

This means war.

Colonel, before you take
action, don't you think you should

confirm that telegram? Confirm?

The courier that
delivered the dispatch

is not completely
above suspicion.

I had the impression

that Captain Gordon
vouched for me.

For your identity,
not your patriotism.

I demand an apology!

Gentlemen, if there
is to be any fighting,

let it be against
the Sonora garrison.

We attack at dawn.

Good. That will give
me just enough time

to get to Fort Apache and
check out that telegram.

Or to Colonel Vega.

When you question
the commander-in-chief,

I begin to doubt
your patriotism, sir.

You begin to doubt my what?

Lock him up!

Get in there!

Hey.

Wake up, Pistolero.

Hey, gringo.

They finally caught you, huh?

How would you like
to get out of here?

I'll get out,

feet first.

Not if you use your head.

You can walk out with me.

Just tell me who
the head Pistolero is.

First, you get yourself out,

then maybe I'll tell you.

That's very funny, señor.

Ay, caramba!

Silencio.

That's very good, señor.

Now, do it on my door.

First the name.

I can't, señor.

You can nod, can't you?

Sí.

Armando Galiano.

I thought so.

Hey, gringo! Gringo!

You forgot about me!

What's going on in here? Gringo!

Never trust a gringo!

Hmm, a message
from Lieutenant Murray.

At dawn, Colonel Roper

will begin the next
phase of my plan.

So all we do is wait for
the Americans to invade.

No, we do not wait, doctor.

We permit a warning
of the invasion

to reach Colonel Vega,

who will march at
once to disaster.

The Fort Challenge cavalry

outnumbers Colonel
Vega's men two to one.

If he resists,
he'll be wiped out,

at which point Señor Galiano

simply steps in and
takes over Sonora.

Fighting his revolution
with my troops.

Exactly.

Of course, it takes
a twisted mind,

very complex, a lot of time.

And someone like Dr. Winterich,

who can alter features
through facial surgery.

If we could just get
out of these ropes.

Won't be too long now,
colonel. Keep turning.

To the new leadership.

With the help of
my able lieutenants,

today, the province of Sonora,

tomorrow, all of Mexico.

Or the firing squad at dawn.

That is, unless you
change your plan.

Too late, Señor West.

According to my
information, Colonel Roper...

Or whoever he is.

He has already
reached the border.

He crosses within the hour.

Señor, I would welcome
your opinion of my strategy.

Brilliant.

Weren't your Pistoleros enough?

At no time, señor,

did the number of
Pistoleros exceed 15.

Hardly enough to
engage Colonel Vega.

And yet, with 15 men

and a touch of genius,
one could conquer the world.

Señor?

Go back, help them.

Go on! Help them!

Hold it!

Thanks, Artie.

"Thanks, Artie"?

Is that all you can say to me?

I've just come
back from the grave,

risen like Lazarus,
and that's what you say?

"Thanks, Artie"?

Thanks, Artie.

It's a pleasure.

Cross the border at...

Colonel, it's 5:40.

Very well, lieutenant.
Dawn will break at 5:48.

Gentlemen, you
have eight minutes

to reach your command
posts. Don't bother, gentlemen.

The invasion's off.

West, this is treason.
I could have you shot.

You've been relieved
of this command.

By whose authority?

Mine, sir.

General Riddell, sir.

As you were, gentlemen.

General, sir, I... I
don't understand.

You, sir,

you understand only too well.

But sir, I am Colonel Roper.
I am in command here.

You are an imposter, sir.
So is Lieutenant Murray.

I am the commanding
officer of Fort Challenge

and the territory of Arizona.

Tomorrow, I will be
Commandant of Sonora!

Tomorrow, you will be in irons.

Major, arrest these
men. Sergeant.

West, you meddling fool, you.

Sergeant, take them out and
have them put under guard.

Yes, sir.

General, sir, if these
men are impostors,

where are the real ones?

We don't know what
happened to Lieutenant Murray.

Probably murdered.

Colonel Roper is at this moment
conferring with Colonel Vega.

He should be here
within the hour.

Good, sir.

Well, it was mighty fortunate

you happened along, general.

Yes, sir. It was
mighty fortunate.

Yes,

isn't it?

What a miserable night.

Feels like rain out there.

That is, if it
doesn't snow first.

Well, thank you.

What are we doing
alone on a night like this?

A night like this was made
for female companionship.

Salud.

What happened
at the trial, Artie?

Mm. Well, the
phony Colonel Roper

and Lieutenant Murray

are gonna be behind
bars for a long, long time.

You can be sure of that.

Come on. What do you say?
Let's go out on the town, huh?

We can look up a couple
of lovelies that I know,

take them out to a good
restaurant maybe, huh?

You feel like a good
meal, huh, Artie?

Oh, you know it.

I know a place makes the
most marvelous bouillabaisse,

and a pompano en
papillotte that can't be beat.

Artie, would you...?
Would you settle

for a little onion
soup and some stew?

Stew?

Stew? I...

Oh, stew. Oh, I
love stew. I really do.

I know you've always loved stew.

Oh, yeah. My all-time
favorite, yes. Shall we?

Well.

Oh, yes.

Just beautiful, beautiful. Heh.

He loves stew,
girls. Heh-heh-heh.