The West Wing (1999–2006): Season 3, Episode 18 - Stirred - full transcript

On a typical night in the west wing, Sam returns from a hockey game and Josh asks him to meet with V.P. Hoynes about saving an education bill. Back at the W.H., Josh, Toby, Leo, C.J., Larry...

Previously on The West Wing:

When was the last time
you went to a meeting?


- What meeting could I possibly go to?
- Mine.

John, tell me you are not
showing your face...

I have got my own meeting.

There are nine of us: three senators,
two cabinet secretaries... federal judge
and two agency directors.

There's an agent outside.
It looks like a card game.

- Do I have enemies in that room?
- All our people. Think about it.

"We humbly asked him
to remove our shortcomings.

We made a list
of persons we had harmed...

...and became willing to make amends.

We made amends
to such people where possible...

...except when
it would injure them or others.

We continued to take personal inventory,
and when wrong, promptly admitted it.

We sought through prayer
and meditation to improve our contact...

...with God as we understood him.
As we understood him.

Praying only for knowledge of his will
for us and the power to carry that out.

Having had a spiritual awakening
as a result...

...we try to carry this message to
alcoholics and practice these principles... all our affairs." Okay.

I haven't chaired in a while.
What do we do next?

- Now is when we usually start drinking.
- Okay.

I wanna talk
about something before we start.

He's gonna try and get my committee
to fund that airplane that can't fly.

- It can fly.
- Right. It just can't land.

- Small price to pay to be able to fly.
- I wanted to talk about Leo.

I'll fund the plane,
but I'm not gonna fly on it.

I'm wondering if it's a good idea that
Leo keeps coming to these meetings.

- Why?
- Look, every meeting's for anybody.

You don't have a password.
Just walk in and sit. Except...

...where anonymity is crucial,
even among other alcoholics:

Commercial airline pilots,
surgeons and us.

- Right.
- Well, Leo's out.

Is it wise that he's leaving
a trail to this room...

...when he could go to any meeting...
- He can't.

There'd be photographers
camped at the door...

I don't know a meeting where
guys wouldn't beat up...

...anybody who barged in...
- That's what we want.

- I think we should consider this.
- Guys.

My meeting. Leo stays.

There it is. Know what I forgot?

"What we see here, what we say here,
what we hear here, stays here."

- Here, here.
- Anybody wanna start?

I will.

- I'm John. I'm an alcoholic.
- Hi, John.

- You wanted me.
- You guys go out?

- Toby had Capitals tickets.
- Good game?

You know what I'd do if l...
It wasn't.

You know what I'd do if I owned a
hockey team? I'd hire a sumo wrestler.

I'd give him a uniform, transportation,
500 bucks a week to sit in the goal... and enjoy the game.
We wouldn't get scored on.

- You'd get scored on constantly.
- Maybe, but we'd sell a few tickets.

Yeah, because sumo wrestling sells
out all the time in big hockey towns.

- My idea is total unviable.
- Well, you're a Democrat.

It's a pretty big club.

What did you need?

Health, Education and Welfare is marking
up the Internet Education Act tomorrow.

- Tomorrow?
- Yeah.

- And they told us when?
- An hour ago.

They're zeroing out
the Technology Challenge Fund.

- That's the vice president's thing.
- Wanna know how long?

I was working for him
when he created it.

- Does he know?
- No.

What will he say when you tell him?

He's gonna say,"Josh, you look
remarkably like Sam Seaborn."

There are people better suited
to this than I am. Leo.

- Leo says you.
- Why not you?

Leo and I don't have
the best relationship with Hoynes.

I don't understand. You say,"Sorry, Mr.
Vice President, it isn't gonna happen."

Isn't he gonna be miffed if it comes
from the communications director?

We don't want you to say I'm sorry.

We want you to work with him
and save the bill.

All right. When?

His office is expecting
you in 20 minutes.

- What about the meeting?
- My meeting?

- Yeah.
- You'll come late.

- What's it about?
- You'll find out.

All right.

Thank you.

I've lost my binder
from National Strategies.

- The blue one?
- The black one...

...with the secret launch codes.
- It'll turn up.

I also need the Cabinet Affairs
amplification report.

If you can get the AP farm guy
back online...

...I'm almost sure Toby gave me
a punchier quote on Ag reorganization.

I shall do those things.

- You shall?
- I shall.

- I'll tell you what I'd like in exchange.
- How about a weekly salary?

- Yes, plus a favor.
- Name it.

- It's a big favor.
- What do you need?

I had an English teacher named Molly
Morello, one of those teachers...

...and she's retiring.

For me, it was Mr. Feig
for American History AP and Con Law.

Right. Unusual as it may seem,
we're talking about me.

- And the big favor you want?
- All right, tell me about Mr. Feig.

No. That moment's done, except to say
he meant the world to me and he died...

...four years ago.
- Okay. Well, Mrs. Morello is retiring.

- Not as bad as dying.
- How hard is it... get a Presidential Proclamation?
- Morello Day?

I was hoping for Morello Month.
I should be realistic.

- That would be Molly Morello Day?
- A nice letter from the principal.

Oh, come on. Get him to sign
a piece of paper. A little proclamation.

A little piece of paper?
Proclamations have the full force of law.

The Emancipation Proclamation,
to name just one.

- To name the only one.
- I don't know what's involved.

Probably have advisory boards,

The NATO commander's involved,

Can I find out what's involved?

- Yeah. Find me the blue notebook first.
- Yeah.

I'm going to the meeting now.

- Got a minute?
- If I said no, would it stop you?

No. NEAP figures are out today.

- Okay.
- They're up.

How many Third World countries
do we trail in reading and math?

Up's better than down. The education
secretary ought to make a statement.

Tomorrow's no good.
We've got half a dozen events.

We're saying education's our priority.

Tomorrow, we're trying to make news
on five of our other priorities.

- Don't you have a meeting?
- Two meetings, actually.

- I'll check the calendar.
- Up's better than down.

Where to find a chisel
and a stone tablet.

I need to know what
the Cabinet's doing tomorrow.

Ideally, sometime before tomorrow.

10:30, Drug Czar on border control. Noon,
HUD secretary on home-ownership loans.

Also noon, technical briefing
at ONDCP on...

- Is it...? Go back. What's at noon?
- ONDCP technical...

- No, the housing secretary.
- Home-ownership loans... the HUD event stage.

Something wrong?

Page the secretary of Housing and
Urban Development. I wanna see him.

- When?
- Look at me.

- Now.
- I'm in the Roosevelt Room.

- Want me to pull you out...?
- Please.

Okay, we're e-filing the old 1040-A.

You're single, head of your household.

Deanna's a dependent. Your adjusted
gross income is 35,000 per annum.

- Sir, I could do most of this myself.
- I love this.

- Really? Filing tax returns?
- Yeah.

- Okay.
- What?

I was thinking about the plurality
of Americans who decided... pull a lever with your name.
- Suckers. Okay.

Your mom's
social security pension benefit is $ 1536.

- Police pension, $2400.
- And here's where my question is...

Do you take
a standard deduction or itemize?

- Yes, sir.
- Did you make any charitable donations?

Five hundred dollars
to the First Baptist Church.

One hundred eighty-five dollars to the
Salvation Army in clothing and items.

Five hundred dollars to the Police
Benevolence Society of Washington D.C.

And $250 to Big Brothers
and Sisters of Washington D.C.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Plus, $430
in non-reimbursed medical expenses.

You're better off
with the standard deduction.

- Okay.
- I'm hitting send now.

- If you're lying, you're going to the joint.
- Yeah.

It's gonna tell us what your refund is,
but I've done a calculation...

...and it will be $ 700.
- That's what I got.

- You spent it already.
- I'm getting a scan DVD player...

...with MP3 playback.
Free shipping and tax is $499...

...which leaves enough
to buy a DVD I found on eBay.

- Yeoman of the Guard?
- How well you know me, Mr. President.

- On Her Majesty's Secret Service.
- Can I tell you what's wrong about Bond?

- Nothing.
- Shaken not stirred...

...will get you water
with a dash of gin and vermouth.

The reason you stir it with a special
spoon is so not to chip the ice.

James is ordering a weak martini
and being snooty about it.

I'll reflect on that while watching
my digital-enhanced picture...

...with theater-quality sound.
- Okay.

- Seven hundred dollars?
- Four hundred.

- I'm only getting $400 back?
- You owe $400.

- I owe the government money.
- You don't need a stamp. Hand it over.

- There's a mistake.
- Hand it over.

- There's no way I owe money.
- That's not quite how we see it.

- Could I sit down there, please?
- Sure.

- Good evening.
- You need me?

- Yes, sir.
- Let's go inside. Milo? Coop?

- Help Mr. Young find his pockets.
- I'm fine. There's been a mistake.

I'm sorry to come straight to you,
but Leo's unavailable now.

You should be getting a call from
the energy secretary any minute.

- What happened?
- The wire service is reporting a vehicle...

...carrying depleted uranium rods crashed
in the Seven Devil Mountains in Idaho.

- It crashed?
- It was hit head-on by another truck... the Goldfield Tunnel on Route 234.
- Are there populated areas nearby?

Elk Horn's 20 miles away with 20,000.

- Charlie.
- Energy secretary's on the phone.

Conference in the chief
of the radiological assistance team.

Get me Fitzwallace, Nancy McNally...

...and let the senior members
of the NFC know I need them.

Thank you, Mr. President.

A truck carrying depleted
uranium fuel rods just crashed... Idaho 20 miles
from a populated town.

- What's happening?
- The president's talking to Tommy...

...about the radiation threat
and to National Security.

- There's a problem.
- I'm just telling them.

It was a 24-ton type B, holding fuel
rods from the nuclear carrier Truman.

Does 24-ton type B
mean anything to anybody?

- It's a heavy truck.
- Why National Security?

You said he was talking
to National Security.

Two trucks in a deserted area, and
they happen to crash into each other?

- I'd wanna talk to somebody, at least.
- All right, listen. Postpone the meeting.

- Let's do it.
- This is gonna be all night.

When we get pulled out,
we get pulled out.

It doesn't really
seem appropriate right now.

You spent a long night
with Bruno last night.

Yeah. And Bruno spent a long night
with Doug the night before.


There's no electoral math they can
come up with, none, that says...'s not worth exploring replacing
the vice president on the ticket.

Not five months ago in this room,
I said... I joked...

...that if we win reelection, it was gonna
be on the vice president's coattails.

Why I'm sure I said it
is because it was leaked.

How has the electoral math
changed since then?

By the way,
the group of people were chosen...

...because Leo
wanted to hear from them...

...but also because he was confident
there wouldn't be a leak...

...and I hope we live up to that.

- How has the math changed?
- Bruno doesn't think Hoynes buys Texas...

...with Ritchie in the race.
If we lose Texas, we lose Florida.

That's a third
of the electoral votes we need.

There's a reason the Republicans
are nominating him.

Who does?
Who does win Texas for us?

- Nobody. We're losing Texas.
- Wait a second.

- Before we go on to who wins Texas...
- I was saying...

We've been talking
for a minute and 17 seconds...

...and we're discussing
new candidates?

If no one wins us Texas,
why change at all?

Can I make it clear
nobody's advocating anything.

- Bruno and Doug are.
- Bruno asked for a discussion.

- What's the answer to C.J. 's question?
- Northeast, Pacific Coast and Northwest.

If we don't have Florida and Texas,
it means we have to sweep those three.

- And he thinks Hoynes hurts us there?
- He thinks someone else could help.

- Did he say who?
- Yes.

- Who?
- Fitzwallace.

He said Fitzwallace, Toby.
And you think about it... .


- Josh?
- Yeah.

- How's it going in there?
- Well, you know, we're just starting.

Get creative. Get people thinking,
even though you know it's... .

I'm gonna go in there alone for a minute.


I was just briefed. They're setting up a
joint operations command in Elks Horn.

I wish I'd been here a half-hour ago.

What would you have done a half-hour
ago that hasn't already been done?

I'd have known a half-hour
ago what I know now.

This is why I'm not going
to my meeting anymore. It's a luxury.

I know.

If only technology could invent
some way to get in touch with you... an emergency.
Some sort of telephonic device...

...with a personalized number we could
call to let you know we needed you.

Perhaps it would look something
like this, Mr. Moto.

- You should've called me.
- Would you stop?

All right.

We're coordinating with the governor's
office and state FEMA in Boise.

You know, I've noticed that other people
keep a set of comfortable clothes... their office for when they
have to work late. I like that.

- You should do that too.
- I do do that.

- You should change.
- You see me wearing a necktie?

Never mind.

Can I have my pager back?

The hazard assessment
by the RAD team is good.

No airborne release of cesium isotopes.
No gamma or neutron radiation readings.

- But... .
- But the trucks are still burning.

The fire commander is pulling out his
men and equipment as soon as possible.

- I'm sure he's right.
- They haven't tested tunnel fires.

They're built to withstand
1475 Fahrenheit for 30 minutes...

...but apparently a train tunnel
in Baltimore burned at 1500.

- Leo, I knew this a half-hour ago.
- Right.

This whole night I'm gonna
be a half-hour smarter than you.

Okay. So you know
about the other truck.

- No.
- It was stolen from a rest stop...

...outside Glenn's Ferry two weeks ago.
- The driver's dead?

- Yeah.
- Arab?

No. He's Gary Vernon Clarke.

Is that his name or is that
what we think it is right now?

Looks like it was an accident.

In what happens to be the most
dangerous and unanticipated situation...

...for transportation of nuclear waste.
- Yes.

- What's that meeting next door?
- Don't worry about it.

Did I leave a folder called
Southeast Targets and... Thank you.

I've been putting together
a folder of my own.

Things that need to be done
for the president to issue a proclamation.

- What has to be done?
- Let me check. Nothing.

- Donna...
- Nothing has to be done.

- He can't just issue a proclamation.
- He can.

He can't just because you want him to.

What's next, executive clemency
if you're having a bad hair day?

I never have a bad hair day. Molly
Morello was a teacher for 41 years.

Which is nice, but these things
are for important causes...

...not individual perks for staffers.

National Digestive Diseases
Awareness Week.

- When was that?
- Now. It began after...

...General Pulaski Memorial Day.
- You're gonna mock the dead...

February was National Sewing Month.

It's the president's name and reputation.
We haven't vetted this woman.

- You're saying, what if she's a lesbian?
- If she were a lesbian we could talk.

I'm saying, what if she's a bicycle thief?

- I doubt that...
- Don't doubt it. Know it.

Do a Google search. Then talk to me.

- Sorry. You been waiting?
- Good evening, sir. No, that's fine.

- I got held up at a poker game.
- I love poker.

- I heard you had Caps tickets?
- Yes, sir.

- How was the game?
- Not very good.

Have you ever seen
a good hockey game?

- No.
- Me neither. I can't get next to hockey.

See, I think Americans like
to savor situations.

One down, bottom of the ninth.
One-run game, first and third...

...left-hand batter, right-hand reliever,
here's the pitch.

Scoring in hockey seems
to come out of nowhere.

The play-by-play guy is always shocked.

"LePetier passes to Huckenchuck,
who skates past the blue line.

Huckenchuck was traded
from Winnipeg for a case of Labatts...

...after sitting out last season with...
Oh, my God, he scores!"

So, what's going on?

They're marking up the
Internet Education Act tomorrow.

- Tomorrow?
- Yes, sir.

And they're zeroing out the
Technology Challenge Fund.

- Tomorrow?
- Yes, sir. We only heard about it tonight.

- We're gonna save this.
- That's why I'm here.

- It's only 52 million.
- It's gonna be embarrassing.

75% percent of the poorest
don't have Internet access...

...60% of blacks and Hispanics
don't have Internet access.

I have to make some calls.

- Yeah. The problem is... .
- What?

The chairman.

- You attacked him at the DNC spring...
- You sent me to attack him.

I understand.

- They're marking it up tomorrow?
- Yes, sir.

You're gonna do this for me.
You're gonna get this done.

- Yes, sir.
- Decorated in Vietnam, defense hawk...

There'd be astronomical black turnout in
Georgia, North Carolina and Louisiana.

- The South is on the table.
- Is he a Democrat?

- He would be now.
- No Republican would criticize him.

Black turnout would explode.
We'd realign the country.

- That's assuming it's a two-man race.
- Who's gonna get into it this late?

John Hoynes.

Hoynes as an Independent?

- Yeah.
- The guy...

...practically has corporate sponsorship.

The Tostitos vice president is gonna lead
an Independent movement?

- It's not that ridiculous.
- It is! He'd be finished in politics.

Some future after we publicly humiliate
him by kicking him off the ticket.

- What are we afraid of?
- A household name...

...with his base of conservative
Democrats and populist Independents.

Starts at 15, 20 percent.
Now every state's up for grab...

...because it's a three-way.
- But he'll lose.

Which is gratifying, but not much
of a consolation since we'll lose too.

Say what you want.
Hoynes is a pragmatist. To do this...

...he'd be the craziest vice president
since Aaron Burr. And Burr shot a guy.

- I can't believe we're talking about this.
- Your meeting.

Getting that a lot these days.

So that leaves us where?

Wondering if Fitzwallace
is a Democrat or a Republican.

Yeah. It sounds like
you're tripped up on 1783.

- Which is?
- HR-1783. A tax rebate from last year.

Why would that affect
my return this year?

- Did you get a rebate last year?
- Yeah.

- There's the answer.
- Where?

Your rebate came off this year's taxes.
That's how we paid.

Hang on. The money I got back last year
has to be paid for?

- Yeah.
- That's not a rebate. That's an advance.

- Technically, I guess.
- Not technically.

This is like getting a bonus and having
it deducted from your paycheck.

This doesn't sound like very
patriotic talk to me, Charlie.

- It's not. Why did you call it a rebate?
- So people would spend it.

- If it was an advance they'd save it.
- It was an advance.

- You spend it?
- On my Visa bill.

We would have preferred
you ate out or traveled.

- Me too.
- Well, in any event... .

- What? Oh, what are you, the collector?
- Leo.

- He used the rebate to pay his Visa bill.
- It wasn't a rebate. It was an advance.

A trip to Banana Republic
would have killed you? Let's go.

- The problem is we don't know anything.
- That's never been a problem for us.

We don't know anything
until we can get into the tunnel.

And we can't get into the tunnel
until the place cools down.

Until we can get in, we don't know
if we have to evacuate Elk Horn.

Well, that's FEMA's call.

FEMA's indicated they're gonna wanna
make it the governor's call.

The governor's indicated
he wants you to step in...

I should set a ransom.
I'll tell you the radiation levels...

...but first I want your electoral votes.
Or is that a bad strategy?

- It's pretty bad.
- No ransom.

We'll play this one straight.
What about other shipments?

There are two
other shipments on the road.

One's low-level radioactive waste,
mostly medical.

- It's on three rail cars in South Carolina.
- Have we stopped the train?

The National Guard's securing
it till we know what happened.

- What about the second one?
- That's more problematic.

There's 200 pounds of transuranic
materials from Rocky Flats...

...where they assemble the triggers.

They're about 150 miles from Carlsbad,
and we can't tell them to pull over.

- That makes them vulnerable.
- They beefed up the escort?

- Yeah.
- Okay.

Thank you, Mr. President.

No one knew if Eisenhower was a
Democrat or Republican before he ran.

Grant only voted once,
and it was for the other guys.

Grant works as an example in almost
any situation. That's Grant's legacy.

- Plus, he won the Civil War.
- What about Leo?

- What'd I do?
- As running mate. Bartlet-McGarry.

- Done.
- It's not absurd, you know.

- It is.
- It's not totally absurd.

- Yes, it is.
- He wants your parking space.

- I really do.
- It's not totally absurd.

You have a good parking space.

You know, if it weren't
for the drinking and the Valium... .

- Yet, Grant... .
- That's right.

They told Lincoln,
"Grant's a drunk." He said:

"Send my generals a case
of what he drinks."

- I see a 30-second spot.
- An alcoholic can't be vice president?

You really think the 20th century didn't
see an alcoholic in the West Wing?

I'll be around.

Hey, Leo.

- They didn't mean anything.
- Yeah, I didn't take anything.

What's going on in Idaho?

The tunnel's still hot.
We're looking at evacuating Elk Horn.

- Elk Horn's 20,000.
- Yeah.

- We've done this before?
- For hurricanes. Yeah.

- This is a radioactive cloud.
- I wouldn't call it a cloud.

You wouldn't call it the end
of a Yankee game, either.

I don't know. You got your sirens, route
and tone alerts on local radio and TV.

- Paul Reveres go out.
- Civil defense volunteers.

Yeah, we got the armory in Caldwell,
75 miles away, for refugees.

Still, we're talking about
widespread panic and chaos, right?

I assume.

- Anything else?
- I don't wanna go back to my meeting.

- Well, you're not staying here.
- Okay.

There must be 110 million
for distance learning and telemedicine.

Can we shave that down?

There are three rural committee members
who love distance learning.

I'm not sure I see the point if the rural
poor don't have Internet hookups.

- Why don't we plus-up the entire bill?
- Sir?

We get our Internet 52 million.
They get to add 52 million...

...for Internet-blocking software or
whatever they want. Can't we do that?

One of the problems is
they're deficit hawks.

- We're deficit hawks too.
- That's the other problem.

All right, work with me here. What
do they want? A bridge, a highway...

...a soda machine? What do they want?
- They want your name off the bill.

They want your name off it.
They love this bill.

Helping the poor learn computers so they
can lift themselves up by the bootstraps?

It gets voted out of committee
unanimously, but it's an election year.

When is it not an election year?

I like what Daniel Webster said when the
Whig Party offered him vice president:

"I do not propose
to be buried until I am dead."

I used to be every Republican's
favorite Democrat.

- Screw it, Sam.
- Absolutely, Mr. Vice President.

Let's take my name off it.

Yes, sir.

- Where's Secretary Fisher?
- He can't make it tonight.

- Excuse me?
- The secretary's at an NGA reception... the Willard Hotel.
She says he can see you tomorrow.

- She?
- His scheduler.

- You paged him.
- She called back.

Call Fisher or his scheduler and say:

"I want the secretary here
in half an hour... talk about moving his
announcement to the briefing room...

...because we have more TV cameras."
- Because we have...

The most dangerous place in Washington
is between Bill Fisher and a TV camera.

Clean as a whistle.

- Thank you.
- Molly Morello.

When was the last time
I asked you for anything?

- By the way, I found this.
- What?

"A proclamation to modify
the quantitative limitations...

...applicable to the imports
of wheat gluten."

We are just a little rococo, aren't we?

Why is Molly Morello less worthy
of a proclamation than General Pulaski?

- I wish I knew who Pulaski was.
- This is what I mean.

She's not less worthy,
but neither is she more than the other...

...ninety thousand public school teachers
who are retiring.

Who weren't lucky enough
to have a staffer as a former student.

- That's trouble.
- Who would find out?

"Who would find out" is also
where we frequently find trouble.

- You're right.
- Yes.

All right, you're right.

- Hey.
- You get it done?

- Yeah.
- He's taking his name off it?


Well, it feels like we're
almost done in there.

You wanna tell me what
this meeting's about now?

Replacing Hoynes.

- What are you...?
- Bruno wanted us to look at replacing.

- Josh.
- So we're looking at it.

We're looking at it,
and everybody's treating me like... .

- Why?
- There's electoral math.

- Was I sent away?
- No.

- So I wouldn't be at that meeting?
- No.

Are you talking about names?

Fitzwallace, Leo and Ulysses S. Grant.

Not for nothing, but before
we go in there, I wanna be clear.

I didn't have to convince him
or even suggest it.

Right off the bat he said,
"Let's take my name off it."

- Yeah.
- Leo? The vice president.

Thanks. You can go home now.

- I go home when you go home.
- I'll get back to you.

Mr. Vice President, I like your style.

- It's money well spent.
- It deserved to have your name on it.

I've got my name on other stuff.

You know what I don't like?
I don't like we can't campaign on it.

- Can you sit for a minute?
- Yeah.

I'm in a bind,
and I think you know what it is.

I'm sorry, I don't.

I respect the anonymity of an alcoholic,
I can't reveal what's said in a meeting...

...but I've got a responsibility to the
president, and in fact, to the country.

Leo, I'm sorry. I honestly
don't know what you're saying.

- You've gotta tell the president.
- Tell him what?

- That you're an alcoholic.
- Are you telling me he doesn't know?

- How would he know?
- You didn't tell him?

Of course I didn't.

- Before you picked me, you didn't tell?
- No.

- I always assumed...
- No.

Well... .

Let's go see our boss.

- Hey.
- How was the NGA?

Oh, you know the governors,
too many mandates, too little money.

- I can hear that one at home.
- Good one.

- The governors liked it.
- Yeah.

Have you announced
for the governor of New Jersey bill?

- Excuse me?
- Did I miss an announcement?

That's three years away.
I'm trying to serve...

I never heard of these loans. So I'm
assuming it's a campaign proposal.

Camden and Newark will go nuts.
I know it's not national.

- Give me a break.
- Know how I know? National programs...

...are announced by the president unless
this White House passes on them first.

Toby, this is a nickel-and-dime program.
Calm down.

Right. We're announcing a new
replacement for Social Security...

- I thought we were...
- They're not your nickels.

- They're not your dimes!
- Hang on a minute.

The president asked me
to join his Cabinet.

He asked me to stall my career
with the agreement that he'd help me...

You don't want it.
You're helping yourself.

If this announcement makes A17
of the Metro section, I'd be surprised.

There's one name on
the ballot this November.

Not yours, not mine,
not the governor of New Jersey.

No one will work harder
than Jed Bartlet to put you there.

This president loses reelection,
your career is finished, and so is mine.

What's your point?

Next time you announce
new policy that isn't cleared...

...we're announcing you're moving
back to New Jersey.

- What about the loans?
- C.J. will announce them tomorrow.

Come on.
Let me do it with the president.

It's too small for the president.

I've gotta go back to a meeting.

- Yep. It was the rebate.
- It wasn't a rebate. It was an advance.

- You say potato... .
- I do say potato, so does everybody.

We wanted to inject money
into retail and tourism.

Why not wait until people
were supposed to have the money?

The economy might have
improved on its own by then.

In which case,
it would have been pointless.

- Yeah.
- Economists make it up as they go along.

- Yeah.
- Did it work?

Not that much.
Most people did what you did.

They saved or they paid down debt.

We don't want people
to save and reduce debt?

We do,
but when the next guy's president.

- You win.
- I always do.

Yes, sir.

- I'll tell you what I find interesting.
- What's that?

You. $35,000 a year,
a sister to support...

...and you gave $ 1435 to charity?

I'm not sure that check
isn't better off in your hands.

Oh, I'm taking it.
Don't be ridiculous.

When you get to your place,
you're gonna find a DVD player...

...and that wimp-ass Bond movie.
- Mr. President...

And I threw
in Yeoman of the Guard on CD.

- That was an incredibly nice gesture.
- I'm really something.

Mr. President.

- Hey, John.
- Could we have a minute, sir?

- Yeah.
- Charlie, get that woman on the phone.

I'm feeling magical tonight.

They're in the tunnel.
The readings show nothing...

...beyond the predictable level
of radiation.

The flatbed's back on its way,
and the Carlsbad is behind gates.

- So we dodged a bullet.
- Yeah.

We pack this stuff in two inches
of stainless steel, four inches of lead.

We rammed it with trains
and dropped it from helicopters...

...and it still isn't gonna protect
us from the thing we haven't thought of.

They took a cast to Aberdeen Proving
Ground and shot a missile through it.

They showed me video.
What can I do for you?

Sir, there's something very important
we need to talk to you about.


Well, it's delicate and surprising...

...and I wanna make sure your first
reaction is measured, so I'd like us to...

I'm a recovering alcoholic.

- Really?
- Yes, sir.

- Is there anybody left who's not?
- Sir...

- For how long?
- I'm sorry?

- How long have you been in recovery?
- My last drink... was the year I was 22.
- Did you say 22?

- Yes, sir.
- You haven't had a drink since 22?

- That's right.
- I didn't start drinking till I was 25.

- What the hell do you guys count...
- There's a history... my family, and I had
a few experiences in college.

I liked beer a lot.
So I started going to meetings.

- I'm pretty sure if I stopped...
- Twenty-two?

- Yes, sir.
- You and James Bond ought to team up.

- I don't... .
- Don't worry.

He's ordering a watered-down martini,
and Leo, what is this meeting...

...going on across the hall?
- We can talk about it later.

It's a meeting about having me
replaced on the ticket.

I know how to count to 270.

John, I assure you... I assure you that
if it were a serious notion, we would...

- Texas is gone. So is Florida.
- We're not doing it.

- You should think about it.
- Are you taking your name off that bill?

Nobody benefits from the Internet
right now more than the rural poor.

You're taking your name off.
We can't campaign on it.

- Yes, sir.
- And if somebody's attacking us... know what to do.

I call Leo.

Yeah, but don't discount the possibility
that it might be Leo.

Yes, sir.

John, despite this recent revelation
that you drank beer in college...

...I've always liked you a little
more than you thought I did.

But that's not why you're staying.
It's this.

Four words.

I've always liked you more
than you thought I did too.

Just a little, right?

- Yes, sir.
- Me too.

Anything else?

- Thank you, Mr. President.
- Thank you, sir.


- Yes, sir.
- Let's go. I'm a magic man.

- Donnatella.
- Good evening, Mr. President.

Tell Josh that General Pulaski
was a Polish brigadier general...

...who vanquished the Russian and
Prussian military, came to the colonies...

...and commanded our cavalry
during the Revolution.

- I will.
- It says here... a briefing paper hastily
written by Deputy Josh Lyman...

...that in the '60s, when the Madison
superintendent banned Twelfth Night...

...for reasons passing understanding...

...a Mrs. Molly Morello had students over
to her home on Saturdays to read it.

I didn't know that, sir.

Josh wrote you a memo
on Molly Morello?

Yeah, because all I had tonight
was a nuclear spill in Idaho.

It says,"She came in two hours early
to teach an AP English class...

...she developed,
because the school didn't offer one."

- I was in that class.
- She deserves a proclamation.

- I wish I could give her one, but I can't.
- I understand.

It's just too much inside baseball,
you know?

You're very nice to even talk
to me about it.

Charlie, I've been tapping my finger
on the desk for about a minute now.

- Sir?
- The magic-man thing works better...

...when you pick up on signals,
Tonto. What's that you say?

There's a phone call for Donna?
Good evening.

This is the White House.
For whom are you holding?

I'm holding for Donna Moss.
This is Mrs. Morello.

- Oh, my God.
- Donna?

- Mrs. Morello, it's me.
- Is everything all right?

Everything's fine.

I hadn 't heard from you
in a long time, so l...

No. Everything's fine. Sally
Seidelman told me you were retiring.

Yes, at the end of this year.

Well, I just wanted to say... .

I don't know, I just... .

I just wanted to say... .

- I don't know.
- Are you sure everything's all right?

- Tell her where you are.
- Donna?

I'm in the Oval Office with the
President of the United States...

...and it's because of you.

- Mrs. Morello?
- What a thing to say.

- We're all very proud of you, Donna.
- She didn't do anything.

- Was that...?
- It's Jed Bartlet, Mrs. Morello.

I've got a couple of questions.

When you taught Beowulf,
did you make the kids read it... the original Middle English
or did you use a translation?

- We used a translation, Mr. President.
- Okay.

- We'll call that the James Bond version.
- Yes, sir.

What are you doing
with your retirement?

- My husband and I were gonna travel.
- That's great.

I'd stay away from the Elk Horn,
Idaho area for a little while.

You'll read why in the morning.

Let's talk about Twelfth Night.

- Twenty-two?
- Yeah.

- You haven't had a drink since 22?
- Right.

- Grant would have slapped your face.
- He did once.

Listen, it's fine that this is funny and,
Mr. Vice President, I couldn't care less.

- But what about the campaign?
- What about it?

- President just got past an honesty issue.
- He's not past it.

- If it becomes public...
- That's a big assumption.

No, it's not.

I think that issue
is probably worth further discussion...

...but we're done talking
about the ticket.

The president wants the vice president
to remain the vice president...

...and he wrote down
his one and only reason.

"Because I could die."

Well, of course, he's right, sir.

It doesn't solve the problem
of the electoral math.

I don't know what the field
will look like after Labor Day.

It'll be shaken up,
but right now the math's tough.

And I know you all think he's
a punch line, and I know why.

But I disagree.

They're sure running
the right guy against us.

Am I the only one who thinks
a giant sumo wrestler...

...and a hockey goal
might get the job done?

I don't know. I'm open to new ideas.