The West Wing (1999–2006): Season 1, Episode 6 - Mr. Willis of Ohio - full transcript
In the first of several episodes throughout the series' run that portrays ordinary Americans and how they interact with and ultimately affect the W.H., an Ohio middle school social studies ...
Previously on The West Wing:
Eagle's by.
It's the most important thing.
- Not more important than your marriage.
- Yes, it is.
I'm a nice guy having a bad day.
I accidentally slept with a prostitute.
- Which kid is my boss's daughter?
- That would be me.
My youngest daughter, Zoey,
is down from Hanover.
Don't call her ma'am.
- I should call you Zoey?
- If I can call you Charlie.
Nine, no help. Jack, no help.
Eight, possible flush.
King, possible flush.
Ace, no help.
Six, possible straight.
Love for the dealer.
Ace bets.
- Check.
- Check.
- Check.
- Check.
Check.
Check.
- Mr. President?
- There is one fruit...
- Oh, please.
- There is one fruit...
Mr. President, check or bet, sir.
- There is one fruit...
- Or give us a quiz on inane trivia.
There is one fruit whose seeds
are on the outside. Name it.
- Is it the kumquat?
- No.
Check or bet, sir?
I bet five.
- Call.
- See it.
Fold.
- See it.
- Call it.
I see it, and I raise you five.
Trouble.
Mr. President?
It's the strawberry.
I raised your bet.
Yes, you did. And it was a bold move,
as Leo has the six you're looking for.
- You call the raise?
- It depends.
On what?
There are 14 punctuation marks in
standard English grammar. Name them.
- Period.
- Comma.
- Colon.
- Semicolon.
- Dash.
- Hyphen.
Apostrophe.
There are seven more.
Question mark,
exclamation point, quotation marks...
...brackets, parentheses,
braces and ellipses.
Do you call the raise?
There are only three words in English
that begin with the letters D-W.
This is why we get nothing done.
Can anyone name them for me?
Three words that begin with D-W?
- Dwindle.
- Dwarf.
Dwindle and dwarf....
Come on, Princeton, we got two.
I see your five
and raise you five.
Dwarf, dwindle....
Fold.
Last card down.
"A witch's brew, a magic spell,
an enchanted forest where... "
Dwell! Dwindle, dwarf and dwell.
The answer's correct,
but let's check with our judges...
I'm sorry, time expired.
- What time?
- My time.
You have your own time?
I call.
Trip nines.
Take your money, sir.
You'd "dwell" to report that
to the IRS, because I will.
I'm done. I'm heading home.
- Kiss Jenny for me.
- I will.
Sam, I'm going to the office for
the commerce report. You?
- I was gonna go home.
- Sam...
...I'm going to the office
for the commerce report. You?
I'm going to make sure
you understand the commerce report.
When I'm through you'll know all about
standard data vs. sampling data.
Charlie, I'm going to the residence.
- I've got some paperwork.
- Don't stay too late.
- How'd you do?
- 84 bucks.
- Most of that's mine.
- What's that?
Mr. President, I'm sorry,
the building's not secure.
Would everyone stay in the room?
- This happens way too often.
- It's pledge week at the fraternities.
- Clear the windows.
- The whole room is windows.
- Josh.
- I'm cooperating.
This will be under control soon, sir.
What body of water in South America
is formed by...?
Excuse me, Wink Martindale.
Is this really the time?
Not up on your South American
maritime geography?
- Clear.
- Saved by the bell.
This didn't used to happen
at my old job.
- Cathy, I need Article 1, Section 2.
- Of what?
- The Constitution.
- I should have that at my desk?
Does anybody have a copy
of the Constitution?
- This is discouraging.
- Bonnie, get Toby a copy.
- Is it still in print?
- For crying out loud! Try Amazon. com.
Or bust into the glass display
case at the National Archives!
You shouldn't yell.
"Is it still in print?"
my staff wants to know.
- I'm here to see Sam.
- Go ahead.
It's not a big deal.
- What do I care?
- Absolutely no reason that you should.
The president will veto any bill
prohibiting...
...sampling data as a component
of the 2000 census.
Just a preview of what
you'll get with Toby.
Yeah, I'll see you then.
- That was great, what you said.
- What'd I say?
- Well, the way you said it.
- The census must be taken seriously.
- Tell me about it.
- It's not glamorous, but, you know?
You need something?
- Did you get a haircut?
- No.
- You look good today.
- Thank you. You too.
- New suit?
- No.
You look good.
- What you need, C.J.?
- A tutor.
A tutor? What for?
The commerce bill for the census.
There are parts I don't understand.
- Which parts?
- All of it.
- All of it?
- Yes.
- You don't understand?
- Certain nuances.
- Like what?
- The census.
I hear you talk about the census
all the time.
- Yeah.
- I don't understand, how can you...?
- I fake it.
- You fake it?
I've played it fast and loose,
but reading the briefing book...
...I have to say, the census is starting
to sound like it's important.
I realize if I'm gonna talk about it
I should understand what I'm saying.
- When?
- When what?
- When did you realize this?
- About an hour ago.
Let's forget that you're late to the
party and be glad that you did come.
- That's what I say.
- We'll start at lunch.
- You faked it?
- Yes.
- The president...
- I shouldn't have.
- You think?
- See you later.
- I have a question.
- About what?
- Budget surplus.
- Okay.
It's a $30 billion surplus.
- 32 billion.
- Whatever.
- You know what they say.
- What?
A billion here, billion there,
it adds up.
- Nifty saying, Josh.
- I didn't coin it.
This is the first time
in three decades.
Republicans want to use it
for tax relief.
They want to give back the money.
Why don't we?
- We're Democrats.
- It's not the government's money.
- It's in our account.
- We took more than we needed.
- I want mine.
- Sorry.
- We're not done with this.
- I know.
$12 million for an Appalachian
Transportation Institute.
$1.5 million to study parking
facilities at commercial truck stops.
$3 million to produce a documentary
on highway infrastructure.
These are just some of today's
additions to the appropriations bill.
$2 million for a volcano monitor
in Alaska to warn airplanes about ash.
The FAA doesn't know what that is.
$550,000 for New York to restore
the home of Susan B. Anthony.
The tile in my shower
could use re-grouting.
Remind me what's in this for us.
Federal funding for 100,000
new public school teachers.
- Thank you.
- How's this working?
We meet Gladman and Skinner,
two of the three swing votes.
In terms of the census?
Yes. They drop the sampling
prohibition, appropriations passes.
- Who's the third?
- The third?
You said 3 swing votes.
Gladman, Skinner...
- Janice Willis' husband.
- Right.
- He'll do what we say.
- We're fine.
You sure?
It's a 3-day weekend,
congressmen want to go home.
- That will do it?
- I know it will.
- What time is the meeting?
00.
Just don't do anything to screw up
or in any way embarrass me.
- Leo, Knute Rockne. I get 'em mixed up.
- Go.
If they hop the fence they go to jail.
What they do once we get to them
determines for how long.
- What tripped the alarm?
- The alarms are in the ground.
Here, here and here.
She tripped it here.
- She?
- Yes, sir.
It wasn't a fraternity?
It was a mentally unbalanced
woman in her 40s.
Trying to kill me isn't evidence
of being mentally unbalanced.
She stated that you weren't the target.
- I wasn't?
- No, sir.
- Who was?
- Your daughter.
- Zoey?
- Yes, sir.
Leo.
- Good morning.
- You know Ron.
- It was a woman.
- Yes.
- We're still in review.
- I'll get a report.
If I may be excused,
I could make a call....
- Of course, help yourself.
- Thank you.
- She was after Zoey?
- There were 8 security checks...
...between the woman
and Zoey's room.
There's no need for Zoey
to know, right?
- What do you need?
- This may be the wrong time...
...but I wanted to talk...
Last night you mentioned
I should say hello to Jenny...
- Hang on. Ron?
- Our security worked...
...exactly the way it's supposed to.
- I guess that's something.
- You'll send a report?
In two hours.
- You were saying?
- It can wait.
- You sure?
- Yeah. Goodbye, Ron.
- See you in an hour.
- All right.
I guess we're done too.
- I wouldn't lose sleep over it, sir.
- No, no.
- Good seeing you, Mr. President.
- You too.
- Ron.
- Yes, sir.
- Did she have a gun?
- Yes, sir.
Okay. Thank you.
- Josh, good to see you.
- Congressman.
Mandy, I should have brought
my sword and shield.
Champagne and flowers would do.
- Have you met Joe Willis?
- No.
- My wife was Janice Willis.
- I know.
She passed away.
I've taken her seat in Congress.
We're sorry for your loss.
The White House sent flowers.
The president wrote a note.
Could you give him my thanks?
- Sure, congressman.
- I'm not a congressman.
I teach eighth-grade social studies.
This is only temporary...
Good morning. Everyone got food?
Got bagels? Good.
Christopher, Anthony, would you
mind putting my copy...
...of the appropriations bill on the
table, please?
Thank you, Christopher.
Thank you, Anthony.
And thank you, Cathy.
Congressman Skinner, welcome.
Congressman Gladman, good to see you.
Congressman Willis,
I was a fan of your wife.
Thank you.
This represents the latest draft
of the House Appropriations Bill.
It is 7000 pages long
and weighs over 55 pounds.
It includes $1.2 million for
a lettuce geneticist in California...
...and $1.7 million for manure handling
in Mississippi.
That's what happens.
Eight states will divide $5 million
to research the uses of wood.
- We saw that one.
- I'm thinking of uses for it now.
Let's talk about the census.
The White House just wanted to
say that you're criminals and despots.
- Thank you.
- No problem.
That won't stop the president
from signing.
No, it won't. What will
stop him from signing...
...is the amendment you
offer on the census.
You three represent the swing vote.
Drop the amendment,
the appropriations bill passes.
Insist on prohibiting sampling,
and count on a long fight...
...followed by a veto.
I have no conscience when it comes to
exploiting the fact that you have...
...nonrefundable airline tickets
for the weekend.
- With that in mind...
- Excuse me.
- Yes, sir.
- I'm not leaving town.
- I'm sorry?
- I'm not leaving this weekend.
I'm staying to see
some of Janice's friends.
There's no need to rush on my account.
Take as much time as you like.
Good. Then, let's talk.
- You'll go slowly?
- Yes.
- Pretend that I'm dumb.
- Let me conjure that image...
- I'm coming to you exposed.
- I'm coming to your office.
I meant symbolically. I'm saying,
"I don't know this, will you teach me?"
- It's hard to admit that.
- What exactly do you want me to do?
I'm admitting to you that
there are things I do not know.
I don't think anybody would have
any trouble imagining that.
Explain it to me.
- Every 10 years we count everybody.
- Why?
Representation at the various levels
of government is based on population.
To find out how many congressmen
a state gets, we count the people.
If the book had been
that clear I would've understood.
- We're not done yet.
- Okay.
The decennial census is done
by a door-to-door head count.
Some 950,000 professionals are hired.
The process costs
approximately $6.9 billion.
It's also very inaccurate.
It tends to be disadvantageous
to inner-city...
...and recent immigrant populations
and to the homeless.
I want you to know that in this...
- Your time of vulnerability?
- Yes.
- I appreciate it.
- We're not done yet.
- Hey, baby.
- Hi, Daddy.
- Can you stay long?
- No, I brought you stuff from home.
- You didn't have to.
- I wanted you to have stuff you like.
- I'm fine.
- You're okay at the hotel?
I wanted Mom to have the house.
But you're gonna look
for a place, right?
Mallory, this thing with
your mother and me will blow over.
No, it won't, Dad.
You understand that, right?
This is not amortized,
it's a one-time experiment.
This is a partisan issue.
The Democrats want the House.
- I'm not going to deny that.
- It's like you lost the battle...
- Did he say what it was about?
- Why shouldn't I get my money back?
- You won't spend it right.
- What?
I wanna combine your money
with everybody else's...
...and pay down the debt
and further endow social security.
- What will you do with it?
- Buy a DVD player.
But my $700 helps employ people who
produce and sell DVDs and DVD players.
- Natural evolution of a market economy.
- But the DVD player is made in Japan.
- I'll buy American.
- We don't trust you.
- I want my money.
- Shouldn't have voted for us.
- Charlie.
- Hey.
- I got a message he needed to see me.
- Yeah, go on in.
Yes.
Yes.
Yes, of course.
I'm on with the postmaster general.
- What's it about?
- I don't know.
- Do me a favor.
- Of course.
Take Charlie out for a beer.
- Take him out for a beer?
- He has no life.
Take him out, come back, then
we'll watch the vote in Leo's office.
- Sure.
- I'll give you some cash.
- No, sir...
- Don't be silly.
- I have money.
- Sure?
I don't have any cash on me.
- It's fine.
- I don't carry cash.
- I don't carry keys either.
- You don't need to.
- How's it going in there?
- We'll see.
- I appreciate it.
- Yes, sir.
- Charlie. You got plans tonight?
- No.
- What about your sister?
- She's at a friend's. Why?
Let's get a beer. We'll go to a bar,
speak as men do.
- We will?
- Yeah.
- What kind of bar is this, Josh?
- No, no, it's fine.
- Okay.
- Great.
Aren't you too old
to be leering at coeds?
I'm a Fulbright scholar, I don't leer.
- There will be grad students.
- Well, good.
- So I'll come get you.
- Okay.
Josh.
- Hey.
- Take us with you.
- Where?
- Out tonight, with Charlie.
- How do you know about it?
- My Dad.
- He said to take us.
- He's like a camp counselor.
- Take us with you.
- No.
- Why?
- This is among men.
You can flirt with coeds.
- There's gonna be grad students there.
- It sounded like an order, Josh.
- Fine.
- Bring Sam Seaborn.
Sam's got enough going on
without you making a booty call.
We had a conversation that got
interrupted, I'd like to finish it.
- Whatever.
- This is gonna be fun.
President's daughter, chief of staff's
daughter, Georgetown bar and Sam.
What could possibly go wrong?
- What's wrong with a head count?
- They're inaccurate.
- Why?
- How do you count the homeless?
A lot of people don't speak English.
Lots of people don't wanna answer
questions when you knock on their door.
Sampling is a more effective way
to get a good census.
What's the legal argument?
The argument is, it's unconstitutional,
against the law.
If it's really against the law,
why pass legislation saying so?
- Isn't it good to understand?
- And I don't have to be patronizing.
- What about, "You look good"?
- Over it.
Sam. Taking Charlie for a beer.
Zoey and Mallory too.
- Sounds good.
- I like beer.
If you wanna come,
I guess it's okay.
- Josh, you've swept me off my feet.
- Whatever. I'll see you later.
In the last census, 8 million people,
mostly black, weren't counted.
Four million, mostly white,
were counted twice.
Sampling will give
a more realistic count...
...for 4 billion dollars less
than a door-to-door head count.
Sampling costs 2.7 billion.
An inaccurate head count, 6.9.
Even the Census Bureau,
a bipartisan commission, says:
"Sampling is better. "
We've heard these arguments,
but we have a constitution.
We know.
- The Constitution's clear on this.
- No.
Until the court rules that sampling...
- The article is arcane.
- Toby, the article is not arcane.
Let's look at it.
- No, we don't have time...
- Let's take a look at it!
- No one's a constitutional scholar...
- It won't take long.
- We've unearthed a copy.
- Come on...
- Would you read Article 1, Section 2?
- This is silly.
It is the owner's manual,
we should read it.
"Representatives and direct taxes shall
be apportioned among...
...the states of this union,
according to their numbers...
...which is determined by adding
the whole number of persons. "
It says, "which shall be determined
by the whole number of persons. "
"The whole number of persons. "
Not what some statistician got off
of a computer. It says so right there.
- Actually, that's not what it says.
- What do you mean?
Mandy left out a few words,
didn't she, Mr. Willis?
Yes.
Mr. Willis teaches eighth-grade social
studies. He knows the article.
It says, "determined by adding
the whole number of free persons...
...and three-fifths of all other persons. "
- They meant you, Mr. Willis, right?
- Yes.
You want to enact a law
limiting the ability...
...of those people who need to be
counted most, to be counted at all.
Their only refuge is the argument that
Article 1, Section 2 is not arcane.
I can report to the chairman
of my committee, but I don't think he...
...nor the leadership, is going
to allow us to change our vote.
You are talking about tying up
an appropriations...
We don't need you to tell us.
And waiting till the final hour...
This is the fourth time
we've arranged this...
I will.
- What, sir?
- I think we should drop it.
- Joe...
- That's my choice, right?
The chairman recommends...
I saw what he recommended,
but it's still my choice, right?
- Absolutely, sir, it is your choice.
- Well, then I change my mind.
We should drop the census amendment.
Let the appropriation bill pass, as is.
Until the court rules on
whether sampling is constitutional.
Well, then....
Excellent.
- You snuck one in the back door, Toby.
- I go through whatever door is open.
- We're going to have to revisit this.
- Yes.
- Do you need help finding the way out?
- No, thank you. I think I can manage.
Thank you, gentlemen.
Thank you.
Go tell Leo.
- Mr. Willis.
- You can call me Joe.
If you don't mind,
what changed your mind?
- What do you mean?
- Well, I know it wasn't expediency.
- I wonder what changed your mind.
- You did.
- I thought you made a strong argument.
- Thank you.
I smile because here,
the merits of an argument...
...generally take a back seat
to political tactics.
I would imagine.
- It worked on me.
- I was taking advantage of you.
- I know.
- I didn't mention some things.
First, it is partisan.
Second, I'm not wild
about the precedent.
You mean...
What's to stop us from saying:
"We don't need elections,
we'll just use polling data.
A sampling of people will decide
who runs the country"?
- I thought about that.
- And?
It's okay by me...
...as long as it's not the same people
who decide what's on television.
Toby, I'm not nearly
as smart as my wife was.
I went to night school
because I went to work pretty young.
I tried to understand the things
Janice brought home from the office...
...but I wasn't in her league.
I never understood what she wanted
with a dummy like me.
I think the problems we're going
to face in the new century...
...are far beyond the wisdom
of Solomon, let alone me.
But I think the right place to start
is to say:
"Fair is fair. This is who we are.
These are our numbers. "
I'm sorry I never got
to know your wife.
- She would have liked you.
- Thank you.
I've got a roll call.
Nothing to it. They call your name,
you vote yea.
Well, this is my first,
and likely my only, vote...
...in the House of Representatives.
- Good luck, congressman.
- Thank you.
- You wanted to read these with dinner.
- Thanks.
- And the Tokyo Exchange?
- Sure.
- The call from the secretary?
- Yes.
- You'll take it in the dining room?
- Wherever I am.
- No need to adopt a tone.
- I'm not.
- Anything else, sir?
- I want to go home.
- There's that tone again.
- Sir?
- Good night, sir.
- Good night.
I heard it's done.
The amendment stays in committee.
Appropriations will pass.
- Good. I'm headed to the residence.
- I needed to speak to you.
I should've told you earlier, but...
I moved out of the house.
- Jenny's asking me for a divorce.
- You're kidding me.
- Leo, you're kidding.
- No.
What happened?
Nothing happened, Mr. President...
Don't tell me nothing happened.
I know you, I know Jenny.
- Married couples like you don't...
- It's not like that.
- I want to talk to Jenny.
- Feel free.
- I don't understand. You were happy.
- Jenny wasn't happy.
Because you weren't spending
enough time with her?
- Yes, but that's not...
- Marriage needs attention.
It can't run on autopilot.
It's not your prom date we're
talking about, it's your family!
I tried to squeeze in as much time
as I could...
...between my wine-tasting club
and running your White House.
You can't blame this on me.
I'm not blaming you, sir.
I'm not blaming anyone for it.
- It just happened. Things happen.
- When did it happen?
- Two weeks ago.
- You're just now telling me?
I know how you feel about Jenny.
I thought you might feel responsible...
...and you'd turn that guilt into
an inappropriate anger toward me.
I can't imagine
what made me think all that.
- Fix this.
- It's not that simple.
It is that simple.
You're the man, fix it.
- Mr. President...
- Fix it.
- Good night, sir.
- Good night, Leo.
So, your friend couldn't come?
By friend, of course, you mean....
- Your special friend.
- Does she...?
- My special friend.
- What friend?
- His friend that Zoey can't know about.
- The hooker.
Not a hooker, she's a call girl.
How do you know about it?
- Mallory told me.
- How does Mallory know about that?
- I told her.
- You told our boss's daughter that?
At the time, I thought
she was a schoolteacher.
- So you were telling a stranger you...
- Accidentally slept with a call girl.
- Mallory, does your father know?
- No.
Zoey, does your father know?
- Not yet.
- So this is gonna be a thing.
Zoey and I have decided that it's time
we start collecting IOUs.
- She didn't bring my grasshopper.
- No?
- Maybe she felt stupid ordering it.
- It's a perfectly...
- I'll get it.
- I will.
I wanna see them make it.
- Could you hold these?
- What?
Just stuff. My panic button.
- Ruins the line of my outfit.
- Got it.
- A grasshopper?
- Straight up.
Make sure it's thick and green.
- What's a panic button?
- You don't wanna know.
The president is very protective.
- Having a good time?
- Yeah, I appreciate it.
- Seems like you're not.
- He's having a good time.
Think they know I'm not in college?
- Who?
- These people.
- You're twice as smart.
- But I'm not in college.
Relax.
- You say that with a sense of urgency.
- I just want...
- You relax.
- I'm not being urgent.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- What's your name?
- What?
I said, what's your name?
- You're kidding, right?
- He's just asking for your name.
Wait. Why don't we guess your name?
- All right?
- Sure.
I bet we can guess it.
There wasn't urgency in my voice.
I asked if he was having a good time.
Maybe if you'd stop pestering him...
Excuse me a second.
- It's Cassandra.
- Cassandra?
We were gonna guess!
- You okay, Zoey?
- You called her Zoey.
Let's go.
What's up, Sammy?
Excuse me. We're trying
to buy a girl a drink, man.
She's 19 years old, man.
- Check out Superfly.
- Hey.
- Let's go.
- Why don't you go, all right?
You don't know who this is. Be cool.
- Be cool?
- I'm just saying...
- I know, you want me to be cool.
- Can I buy you a round?
Like LL Cool J. Like Ice T.
Ice Cube. Ice Tray, man.
Why must you mock a natural...?
I'm not mocking it, Josh. I'm saying
maybe if you left him alone...
- Josh?
- I don't know.
Why don't you do some hip-hop?
Dr. Huffy Puffy Dred, man...
- Let us by, please?
- What are you doing with this girl?
- You look to be Dr. Faggot.
- What the hell's going on?
- Who are you?
- Kiss my ass. Zoey?
- I'm fine.
- Kiss your what?
- Charlie?
- It's fine.
You wanna go?
- Right now.
- How's everybody doing?
Oh, good, more fairy boys.
- Excuse me?
- I said more fairy boys!
This is too good to be true.
I recognize him.
She looks familiar too.
You don't realize
you're having a bad night.
Really? Who's giving it to us?
Federal agents!
Right here.
Shut up.
I'll blow your head off.
Everybody stand back.
- I ain't done with you, Sammy.
- My name is Charlie Young, jackass.
If that's blow in your pocket,
you're spending spring break in prison.
Now I'm having a good time.
Well, my work here is done.
- What happened?
- They told you what happened.
- Did you do anything to provoke them?
- Like what?
- Were you flirting?
- Dad.
- You flirt with guys.
- Yes, Dad, I am 19 years old.
I was not flirting.
Even if I was, it wasn't
justification for their behavior.
- What then?
- I went to get a drink.
- Why were you drinking?
- It was for C.J.
- I'm gonna up your protection.
- No.
- Starting tomorrow.
- I start college in a month.
- Some friends will walk you to class.
- I don't want this.
- I am entitled to this part of my life.
- You're getting it.
- I'm entitled to a...
- Oh, please.
- Don't "Oh, please" me.
- The Secret Service...
- They should worry about you getting shot.
- They are worried.
But not compared
to how terrified we are of you.
You scare the Secret Service,
and you scare me.
My getting killed
is not the nightmare scenario.
The nightmare is you getting kidnapped.
You go to a bar
and you go to the restroom...
...somebody comes up from behind,
and whisks you out the door.
You're so scared, you don't notice...
...the two dead agents on the ground.
You're whisked away in a car.
It's a big party with lots of noise.
It's a half-hour before
someone says, "Where's Zoey?"
15 minutes later they call.
It's another hour before
they shut down the airports.
And now we're off!
You're tied to a chair in a shack
in Uganda.
I'm told I have 72 hours to get Israel
to free 460 terrorist prisoners.
So, I'm pleading with Ben Yahbin,
who says, "Sorry, Mr. President...
...Israel simply does not
negotiate with terrorists. "
Now we've got a new problem.
This country no longer has a president.
It has a scared father
whose little girl...
...is in a shack in Uganda
with a gun to her head!
Do you get it?!
Yes.
I'm sorry I yelled. Forgive me.
I want you to have freedom,
your youth...
...and have everyday experiences
with girls your own age.
But don't forget,
this is a privilege...
...and an experience
to be cherished beyond measure.
And proper protection and security,
though at times, it's a drag...
...is never too high a price to pay.
You're right. I'm sorry.
It's all right, sweetheart.
It's all right.
Good night.
Good night, sweetheart.
- I love you.
- I love you too.
Don't get up.
Good evening, Mr. President.
Hi.
Before, when I was being an idiot,
there was something I forgot to say.
What?
I'm sorry.
Thank you.
I'd like unanimous consent
to revise and extend my remarks.
Without objection.
I don't know what the hell
was wrong with me.
Anything I can do to help....
Anything.
Thanks.
I could have taken
the two on the left.
- They were mine.
- Which?
- The guys on the left.
- As you face the bar?
Yeah. No, no.
Say you're me,
facing the bar...
Sandwiches.
Thanks. Defending virtue
is hungry work.
I'll be at my desk.
- Donna.
- Yes?
How much was lunch?
- $12.95.
- I gave you $20.
Yes, as it turned out,
you gave me more money...
...than I needed to buy what
you asked for.
However, I can't trust you
to spend the change wisely.
I've invested it for you.
- Nice. A little parable.
- I want my money back.
- So those are my guys.
- There's the one guy...
Facing the other way.
Neither one of you could have
taken two guys.
- Josh.
- Yes, sir.
What were you doing taking
my daughter out to a bar?
- You told me to.
- I told you to take Charlie.
When Zoey said she was going,
I assumed you'd go have malteds.
- Malteds, sir?
- Yes.
What is this, Our Town?
Anyway, thank you for doing
whatever it was you did.
I didn't do anything.
For what it's worth,
Charlie didn't blink...
...before he put his body
between danger and Zoey.
Charlie.
Sam, you come too, please.
I once played the stage manager
in a production of Our Town.
- Charlie, you a good poker player?
- No, sir.
Excellent. Take a seat.
- Is Josh being punished?
- No.
- May I ask why not?
- Because I said so.
- Good evening.
- Good evening.
Good work, you two.
You bought us some time.
I understand you all had
an interesting evening.
- So did I.
- What happened?
- I met an unusual man.
- C.J., deal.
He didn't come with a political agenda,
with his mind made up.
He wanted to do what he thought
was best.
Didn't mind saying, "I don't know. "
I said "I don't know" to Sam.
I'm a better person for it.
I know everything about the census.
- You can ask me anything.
- How many people live in the U.S.?
There is some material
we haven't covered yet.
- Come on, Toby.
- I wanna watch this.
- We won it 40 votes ago.
- I just wanna hear this one.
Mr. Widen.
Mr. Widen of Pennsylvania votes yea.
Mr. Wilder.
Mr. Wilder of South Carolina votes yea.
Mr. Willis.
Mr. Willis of Ohio votes yea.
Mr. Zantowski....
Eagle's by.
It's the most important thing.
- Not more important than your marriage.
- Yes, it is.
I'm a nice guy having a bad day.
I accidentally slept with a prostitute.
- Which kid is my boss's daughter?
- That would be me.
My youngest daughter, Zoey,
is down from Hanover.
Don't call her ma'am.
- I should call you Zoey?
- If I can call you Charlie.
Nine, no help. Jack, no help.
Eight, possible flush.
King, possible flush.
Ace, no help.
Six, possible straight.
Love for the dealer.
Ace bets.
- Check.
- Check.
- Check.
- Check.
Check.
Check.
- Mr. President?
- There is one fruit...
- Oh, please.
- There is one fruit...
Mr. President, check or bet, sir.
- There is one fruit...
- Or give us a quiz on inane trivia.
There is one fruit whose seeds
are on the outside. Name it.
- Is it the kumquat?
- No.
Check or bet, sir?
I bet five.
- Call.
- See it.
Fold.
- See it.
- Call it.
I see it, and I raise you five.
Trouble.
Mr. President?
It's the strawberry.
I raised your bet.
Yes, you did. And it was a bold move,
as Leo has the six you're looking for.
- You call the raise?
- It depends.
On what?
There are 14 punctuation marks in
standard English grammar. Name them.
- Period.
- Comma.
- Colon.
- Semicolon.
- Dash.
- Hyphen.
Apostrophe.
There are seven more.
Question mark,
exclamation point, quotation marks...
...brackets, parentheses,
braces and ellipses.
Do you call the raise?
There are only three words in English
that begin with the letters D-W.
This is why we get nothing done.
Can anyone name them for me?
Three words that begin with D-W?
- Dwindle.
- Dwarf.
Dwindle and dwarf....
Come on, Princeton, we got two.
I see your five
and raise you five.
Dwarf, dwindle....
Fold.
Last card down.
"A witch's brew, a magic spell,
an enchanted forest where... "
Dwell! Dwindle, dwarf and dwell.
The answer's correct,
but let's check with our judges...
I'm sorry, time expired.
- What time?
- My time.
You have your own time?
I call.
Trip nines.
Take your money, sir.
You'd "dwell" to report that
to the IRS, because I will.
I'm done. I'm heading home.
- Kiss Jenny for me.
- I will.
Sam, I'm going to the office for
the commerce report. You?
- I was gonna go home.
- Sam...
...I'm going to the office
for the commerce report. You?
I'm going to make sure
you understand the commerce report.
When I'm through you'll know all about
standard data vs. sampling data.
Charlie, I'm going to the residence.
- I've got some paperwork.
- Don't stay too late.
- How'd you do?
- 84 bucks.
- Most of that's mine.
- What's that?
Mr. President, I'm sorry,
the building's not secure.
Would everyone stay in the room?
- This happens way too often.
- It's pledge week at the fraternities.
- Clear the windows.
- The whole room is windows.
- Josh.
- I'm cooperating.
This will be under control soon, sir.
What body of water in South America
is formed by...?
Excuse me, Wink Martindale.
Is this really the time?
Not up on your South American
maritime geography?
- Clear.
- Saved by the bell.
This didn't used to happen
at my old job.
- Cathy, I need Article 1, Section 2.
- Of what?
- The Constitution.
- I should have that at my desk?
Does anybody have a copy
of the Constitution?
- This is discouraging.
- Bonnie, get Toby a copy.
- Is it still in print?
- For crying out loud! Try Amazon. com.
Or bust into the glass display
case at the National Archives!
You shouldn't yell.
"Is it still in print?"
my staff wants to know.
- I'm here to see Sam.
- Go ahead.
It's not a big deal.
- What do I care?
- Absolutely no reason that you should.
The president will veto any bill
prohibiting...
...sampling data as a component
of the 2000 census.
Just a preview of what
you'll get with Toby.
Yeah, I'll see you then.
- That was great, what you said.
- What'd I say?
- Well, the way you said it.
- The census must be taken seriously.
- Tell me about it.
- It's not glamorous, but, you know?
You need something?
- Did you get a haircut?
- No.
- You look good today.
- Thank you. You too.
- New suit?
- No.
You look good.
- What you need, C.J.?
- A tutor.
A tutor? What for?
The commerce bill for the census.
There are parts I don't understand.
- Which parts?
- All of it.
- All of it?
- Yes.
- You don't understand?
- Certain nuances.
- Like what?
- The census.
I hear you talk about the census
all the time.
- Yeah.
- I don't understand, how can you...?
- I fake it.
- You fake it?
I've played it fast and loose,
but reading the briefing book...
...I have to say, the census is starting
to sound like it's important.
I realize if I'm gonna talk about it
I should understand what I'm saying.
- When?
- When what?
- When did you realize this?
- About an hour ago.
Let's forget that you're late to the
party and be glad that you did come.
- That's what I say.
- We'll start at lunch.
- You faked it?
- Yes.
- The president...
- I shouldn't have.
- You think?
- See you later.
- I have a question.
- About what?
- Budget surplus.
- Okay.
It's a $30 billion surplus.
- 32 billion.
- Whatever.
- You know what they say.
- What?
A billion here, billion there,
it adds up.
- Nifty saying, Josh.
- I didn't coin it.
This is the first time
in three decades.
Republicans want to use it
for tax relief.
They want to give back the money.
Why don't we?
- We're Democrats.
- It's not the government's money.
- It's in our account.
- We took more than we needed.
- I want mine.
- Sorry.
- We're not done with this.
- I know.
$12 million for an Appalachian
Transportation Institute.
$1.5 million to study parking
facilities at commercial truck stops.
$3 million to produce a documentary
on highway infrastructure.
These are just some of today's
additions to the appropriations bill.
$2 million for a volcano monitor
in Alaska to warn airplanes about ash.
The FAA doesn't know what that is.
$550,000 for New York to restore
the home of Susan B. Anthony.
The tile in my shower
could use re-grouting.
Remind me what's in this for us.
Federal funding for 100,000
new public school teachers.
- Thank you.
- How's this working?
We meet Gladman and Skinner,
two of the three swing votes.
In terms of the census?
Yes. They drop the sampling
prohibition, appropriations passes.
- Who's the third?
- The third?
You said 3 swing votes.
Gladman, Skinner...
- Janice Willis' husband.
- Right.
- He'll do what we say.
- We're fine.
You sure?
It's a 3-day weekend,
congressmen want to go home.
- That will do it?
- I know it will.
- What time is the meeting?
00.
Just don't do anything to screw up
or in any way embarrass me.
- Leo, Knute Rockne. I get 'em mixed up.
- Go.
If they hop the fence they go to jail.
What they do once we get to them
determines for how long.
- What tripped the alarm?
- The alarms are in the ground.
Here, here and here.
She tripped it here.
- She?
- Yes, sir.
It wasn't a fraternity?
It was a mentally unbalanced
woman in her 40s.
Trying to kill me isn't evidence
of being mentally unbalanced.
She stated that you weren't the target.
- I wasn't?
- No, sir.
- Who was?
- Your daughter.
- Zoey?
- Yes, sir.
Leo.
- Good morning.
- You know Ron.
- It was a woman.
- Yes.
- We're still in review.
- I'll get a report.
If I may be excused,
I could make a call....
- Of course, help yourself.
- Thank you.
- She was after Zoey?
- There were 8 security checks...
...between the woman
and Zoey's room.
There's no need for Zoey
to know, right?
- What do you need?
- This may be the wrong time...
...but I wanted to talk...
Last night you mentioned
I should say hello to Jenny...
- Hang on. Ron?
- Our security worked...
...exactly the way it's supposed to.
- I guess that's something.
- You'll send a report?
In two hours.
- You were saying?
- It can wait.
- You sure?
- Yeah. Goodbye, Ron.
- See you in an hour.
- All right.
I guess we're done too.
- I wouldn't lose sleep over it, sir.
- No, no.
- Good seeing you, Mr. President.
- You too.
- Ron.
- Yes, sir.
- Did she have a gun?
- Yes, sir.
Okay. Thank you.
- Josh, good to see you.
- Congressman.
Mandy, I should have brought
my sword and shield.
Champagne and flowers would do.
- Have you met Joe Willis?
- No.
- My wife was Janice Willis.
- I know.
She passed away.
I've taken her seat in Congress.
We're sorry for your loss.
The White House sent flowers.
The president wrote a note.
Could you give him my thanks?
- Sure, congressman.
- I'm not a congressman.
I teach eighth-grade social studies.
This is only temporary...
Good morning. Everyone got food?
Got bagels? Good.
Christopher, Anthony, would you
mind putting my copy...
...of the appropriations bill on the
table, please?
Thank you, Christopher.
Thank you, Anthony.
And thank you, Cathy.
Congressman Skinner, welcome.
Congressman Gladman, good to see you.
Congressman Willis,
I was a fan of your wife.
Thank you.
This represents the latest draft
of the House Appropriations Bill.
It is 7000 pages long
and weighs over 55 pounds.
It includes $1.2 million for
a lettuce geneticist in California...
...and $1.7 million for manure handling
in Mississippi.
That's what happens.
Eight states will divide $5 million
to research the uses of wood.
- We saw that one.
- I'm thinking of uses for it now.
Let's talk about the census.
The White House just wanted to
say that you're criminals and despots.
- Thank you.
- No problem.
That won't stop the president
from signing.
No, it won't. What will
stop him from signing...
...is the amendment you
offer on the census.
You three represent the swing vote.
Drop the amendment,
the appropriations bill passes.
Insist on prohibiting sampling,
and count on a long fight...
...followed by a veto.
I have no conscience when it comes to
exploiting the fact that you have...
...nonrefundable airline tickets
for the weekend.
- With that in mind...
- Excuse me.
- Yes, sir.
- I'm not leaving town.
- I'm sorry?
- I'm not leaving this weekend.
I'm staying to see
some of Janice's friends.
There's no need to rush on my account.
Take as much time as you like.
Good. Then, let's talk.
- You'll go slowly?
- Yes.
- Pretend that I'm dumb.
- Let me conjure that image...
- I'm coming to you exposed.
- I'm coming to your office.
I meant symbolically. I'm saying,
"I don't know this, will you teach me?"
- It's hard to admit that.
- What exactly do you want me to do?
I'm admitting to you that
there are things I do not know.
I don't think anybody would have
any trouble imagining that.
Explain it to me.
- Every 10 years we count everybody.
- Why?
Representation at the various levels
of government is based on population.
To find out how many congressmen
a state gets, we count the people.
If the book had been
that clear I would've understood.
- We're not done yet.
- Okay.
The decennial census is done
by a door-to-door head count.
Some 950,000 professionals are hired.
The process costs
approximately $6.9 billion.
It's also very inaccurate.
It tends to be disadvantageous
to inner-city...
...and recent immigrant populations
and to the homeless.
I want you to know that in this...
- Your time of vulnerability?
- Yes.
- I appreciate it.
- We're not done yet.
- Hey, baby.
- Hi, Daddy.
- Can you stay long?
- No, I brought you stuff from home.
- You didn't have to.
- I wanted you to have stuff you like.
- I'm fine.
- You're okay at the hotel?
I wanted Mom to have the house.
But you're gonna look
for a place, right?
Mallory, this thing with
your mother and me will blow over.
No, it won't, Dad.
You understand that, right?
This is not amortized,
it's a one-time experiment.
This is a partisan issue.
The Democrats want the House.
- I'm not going to deny that.
- It's like you lost the battle...
- Did he say what it was about?
- Why shouldn't I get my money back?
- You won't spend it right.
- What?
I wanna combine your money
with everybody else's...
...and pay down the debt
and further endow social security.
- What will you do with it?
- Buy a DVD player.
But my $700 helps employ people who
produce and sell DVDs and DVD players.
- Natural evolution of a market economy.
- But the DVD player is made in Japan.
- I'll buy American.
- We don't trust you.
- I want my money.
- Shouldn't have voted for us.
- Charlie.
- Hey.
- I got a message he needed to see me.
- Yeah, go on in.
Yes.
Yes.
Yes, of course.
I'm on with the postmaster general.
- What's it about?
- I don't know.
- Do me a favor.
- Of course.
Take Charlie out for a beer.
- Take him out for a beer?
- He has no life.
Take him out, come back, then
we'll watch the vote in Leo's office.
- Sure.
- I'll give you some cash.
- No, sir...
- Don't be silly.
- I have money.
- Sure?
I don't have any cash on me.
- It's fine.
- I don't carry cash.
- I don't carry keys either.
- You don't need to.
- How's it going in there?
- We'll see.
- I appreciate it.
- Yes, sir.
- Charlie. You got plans tonight?
- No.
- What about your sister?
- She's at a friend's. Why?
Let's get a beer. We'll go to a bar,
speak as men do.
- We will?
- Yeah.
- What kind of bar is this, Josh?
- No, no, it's fine.
- Okay.
- Great.
Aren't you too old
to be leering at coeds?
I'm a Fulbright scholar, I don't leer.
- There will be grad students.
- Well, good.
- So I'll come get you.
- Okay.
Josh.
- Hey.
- Take us with you.
- Where?
- Out tonight, with Charlie.
- How do you know about it?
- My Dad.
- He said to take us.
- He's like a camp counselor.
- Take us with you.
- No.
- Why?
- This is among men.
You can flirt with coeds.
- There's gonna be grad students there.
- It sounded like an order, Josh.
- Fine.
- Bring Sam Seaborn.
Sam's got enough going on
without you making a booty call.
We had a conversation that got
interrupted, I'd like to finish it.
- Whatever.
- This is gonna be fun.
President's daughter, chief of staff's
daughter, Georgetown bar and Sam.
What could possibly go wrong?
- What's wrong with a head count?
- They're inaccurate.
- Why?
- How do you count the homeless?
A lot of people don't speak English.
Lots of people don't wanna answer
questions when you knock on their door.
Sampling is a more effective way
to get a good census.
What's the legal argument?
The argument is, it's unconstitutional,
against the law.
If it's really against the law,
why pass legislation saying so?
- Isn't it good to understand?
- And I don't have to be patronizing.
- What about, "You look good"?
- Over it.
Sam. Taking Charlie for a beer.
Zoey and Mallory too.
- Sounds good.
- I like beer.
If you wanna come,
I guess it's okay.
- Josh, you've swept me off my feet.
- Whatever. I'll see you later.
In the last census, 8 million people,
mostly black, weren't counted.
Four million, mostly white,
were counted twice.
Sampling will give
a more realistic count...
...for 4 billion dollars less
than a door-to-door head count.
Sampling costs 2.7 billion.
An inaccurate head count, 6.9.
Even the Census Bureau,
a bipartisan commission, says:
"Sampling is better. "
We've heard these arguments,
but we have a constitution.
We know.
- The Constitution's clear on this.
- No.
Until the court rules that sampling...
- The article is arcane.
- Toby, the article is not arcane.
Let's look at it.
- No, we don't have time...
- Let's take a look at it!
- No one's a constitutional scholar...
- It won't take long.
- We've unearthed a copy.
- Come on...
- Would you read Article 1, Section 2?
- This is silly.
It is the owner's manual,
we should read it.
"Representatives and direct taxes shall
be apportioned among...
...the states of this union,
according to their numbers...
...which is determined by adding
the whole number of persons. "
It says, "which shall be determined
by the whole number of persons. "
"The whole number of persons. "
Not what some statistician got off
of a computer. It says so right there.
- Actually, that's not what it says.
- What do you mean?
Mandy left out a few words,
didn't she, Mr. Willis?
Yes.
Mr. Willis teaches eighth-grade social
studies. He knows the article.
It says, "determined by adding
the whole number of free persons...
...and three-fifths of all other persons. "
- They meant you, Mr. Willis, right?
- Yes.
You want to enact a law
limiting the ability...
...of those people who need to be
counted most, to be counted at all.
Their only refuge is the argument that
Article 1, Section 2 is not arcane.
I can report to the chairman
of my committee, but I don't think he...
...nor the leadership, is going
to allow us to change our vote.
You are talking about tying up
an appropriations...
We don't need you to tell us.
And waiting till the final hour...
This is the fourth time
we've arranged this...
I will.
- What, sir?
- I think we should drop it.
- Joe...
- That's my choice, right?
The chairman recommends...
I saw what he recommended,
but it's still my choice, right?
- Absolutely, sir, it is your choice.
- Well, then I change my mind.
We should drop the census amendment.
Let the appropriation bill pass, as is.
Until the court rules on
whether sampling is constitutional.
Well, then....
Excellent.
- You snuck one in the back door, Toby.
- I go through whatever door is open.
- We're going to have to revisit this.
- Yes.
- Do you need help finding the way out?
- No, thank you. I think I can manage.
Thank you, gentlemen.
Thank you.
Go tell Leo.
- Mr. Willis.
- You can call me Joe.
If you don't mind,
what changed your mind?
- What do you mean?
- Well, I know it wasn't expediency.
- I wonder what changed your mind.
- You did.
- I thought you made a strong argument.
- Thank you.
I smile because here,
the merits of an argument...
...generally take a back seat
to political tactics.
I would imagine.
- It worked on me.
- I was taking advantage of you.
- I know.
- I didn't mention some things.
First, it is partisan.
Second, I'm not wild
about the precedent.
You mean...
What's to stop us from saying:
"We don't need elections,
we'll just use polling data.
A sampling of people will decide
who runs the country"?
- I thought about that.
- And?
It's okay by me...
...as long as it's not the same people
who decide what's on television.
Toby, I'm not nearly
as smart as my wife was.
I went to night school
because I went to work pretty young.
I tried to understand the things
Janice brought home from the office...
...but I wasn't in her league.
I never understood what she wanted
with a dummy like me.
I think the problems we're going
to face in the new century...
...are far beyond the wisdom
of Solomon, let alone me.
But I think the right place to start
is to say:
"Fair is fair. This is who we are.
These are our numbers. "
I'm sorry I never got
to know your wife.
- She would have liked you.
- Thank you.
I've got a roll call.
Nothing to it. They call your name,
you vote yea.
Well, this is my first,
and likely my only, vote...
...in the House of Representatives.
- Good luck, congressman.
- Thank you.
- You wanted to read these with dinner.
- Thanks.
- And the Tokyo Exchange?
- Sure.
- The call from the secretary?
- Yes.
- You'll take it in the dining room?
- Wherever I am.
- No need to adopt a tone.
- I'm not.
- Anything else, sir?
- I want to go home.
- There's that tone again.
- Sir?
- Good night, sir.
- Good night.
I heard it's done.
The amendment stays in committee.
Appropriations will pass.
- Good. I'm headed to the residence.
- I needed to speak to you.
I should've told you earlier, but...
I moved out of the house.
- Jenny's asking me for a divorce.
- You're kidding me.
- Leo, you're kidding.
- No.
What happened?
Nothing happened, Mr. President...
Don't tell me nothing happened.
I know you, I know Jenny.
- Married couples like you don't...
- It's not like that.
- I want to talk to Jenny.
- Feel free.
- I don't understand. You were happy.
- Jenny wasn't happy.
Because you weren't spending
enough time with her?
- Yes, but that's not...
- Marriage needs attention.
It can't run on autopilot.
It's not your prom date we're
talking about, it's your family!
I tried to squeeze in as much time
as I could...
...between my wine-tasting club
and running your White House.
You can't blame this on me.
I'm not blaming you, sir.
I'm not blaming anyone for it.
- It just happened. Things happen.
- When did it happen?
- Two weeks ago.
- You're just now telling me?
I know how you feel about Jenny.
I thought you might feel responsible...
...and you'd turn that guilt into
an inappropriate anger toward me.
I can't imagine
what made me think all that.
- Fix this.
- It's not that simple.
It is that simple.
You're the man, fix it.
- Mr. President...
- Fix it.
- Good night, sir.
- Good night, Leo.
So, your friend couldn't come?
By friend, of course, you mean....
- Your special friend.
- Does she...?
- My special friend.
- What friend?
- His friend that Zoey can't know about.
- The hooker.
Not a hooker, she's a call girl.
How do you know about it?
- Mallory told me.
- How does Mallory know about that?
- I told her.
- You told our boss's daughter that?
At the time, I thought
she was a schoolteacher.
- So you were telling a stranger you...
- Accidentally slept with a call girl.
- Mallory, does your father know?
- No.
Zoey, does your father know?
- Not yet.
- So this is gonna be a thing.
Zoey and I have decided that it's time
we start collecting IOUs.
- She didn't bring my grasshopper.
- No?
- Maybe she felt stupid ordering it.
- It's a perfectly...
- I'll get it.
- I will.
I wanna see them make it.
- Could you hold these?
- What?
Just stuff. My panic button.
- Ruins the line of my outfit.
- Got it.
- A grasshopper?
- Straight up.
Make sure it's thick and green.
- What's a panic button?
- You don't wanna know.
The president is very protective.
- Having a good time?
- Yeah, I appreciate it.
- Seems like you're not.
- He's having a good time.
Think they know I'm not in college?
- Who?
- These people.
- You're twice as smart.
- But I'm not in college.
Relax.
- You say that with a sense of urgency.
- I just want...
- You relax.
- I'm not being urgent.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- What's your name?
- What?
I said, what's your name?
- You're kidding, right?
- He's just asking for your name.
Wait. Why don't we guess your name?
- All right?
- Sure.
I bet we can guess it.
There wasn't urgency in my voice.
I asked if he was having a good time.
Maybe if you'd stop pestering him...
Excuse me a second.
- It's Cassandra.
- Cassandra?
We were gonna guess!
- You okay, Zoey?
- You called her Zoey.
Let's go.
What's up, Sammy?
Excuse me. We're trying
to buy a girl a drink, man.
She's 19 years old, man.
- Check out Superfly.
- Hey.
- Let's go.
- Why don't you go, all right?
You don't know who this is. Be cool.
- Be cool?
- I'm just saying...
- I know, you want me to be cool.
- Can I buy you a round?
Like LL Cool J. Like Ice T.
Ice Cube. Ice Tray, man.
Why must you mock a natural...?
I'm not mocking it, Josh. I'm saying
maybe if you left him alone...
- Josh?
- I don't know.
Why don't you do some hip-hop?
Dr. Huffy Puffy Dred, man...
- Let us by, please?
- What are you doing with this girl?
- You look to be Dr. Faggot.
- What the hell's going on?
- Who are you?
- Kiss my ass. Zoey?
- I'm fine.
- Kiss your what?
- Charlie?
- It's fine.
You wanna go?
- Right now.
- How's everybody doing?
Oh, good, more fairy boys.
- Excuse me?
- I said more fairy boys!
This is too good to be true.
I recognize him.
She looks familiar too.
You don't realize
you're having a bad night.
Really? Who's giving it to us?
Federal agents!
Right here.
Shut up.
I'll blow your head off.
Everybody stand back.
- I ain't done with you, Sammy.
- My name is Charlie Young, jackass.
If that's blow in your pocket,
you're spending spring break in prison.
Now I'm having a good time.
Well, my work here is done.
- What happened?
- They told you what happened.
- Did you do anything to provoke them?
- Like what?
- Were you flirting?
- Dad.
- You flirt with guys.
- Yes, Dad, I am 19 years old.
I was not flirting.
Even if I was, it wasn't
justification for their behavior.
- What then?
- I went to get a drink.
- Why were you drinking?
- It was for C.J.
- I'm gonna up your protection.
- No.
- Starting tomorrow.
- I start college in a month.
- Some friends will walk you to class.
- I don't want this.
- I am entitled to this part of my life.
- You're getting it.
- I'm entitled to a...
- Oh, please.
- Don't "Oh, please" me.
- The Secret Service...
- They should worry about you getting shot.
- They are worried.
But not compared
to how terrified we are of you.
You scare the Secret Service,
and you scare me.
My getting killed
is not the nightmare scenario.
The nightmare is you getting kidnapped.
You go to a bar
and you go to the restroom...
...somebody comes up from behind,
and whisks you out the door.
You're so scared, you don't notice...
...the two dead agents on the ground.
You're whisked away in a car.
It's a big party with lots of noise.
It's a half-hour before
someone says, "Where's Zoey?"
15 minutes later they call.
It's another hour before
they shut down the airports.
And now we're off!
You're tied to a chair in a shack
in Uganda.
I'm told I have 72 hours to get Israel
to free 460 terrorist prisoners.
So, I'm pleading with Ben Yahbin,
who says, "Sorry, Mr. President...
...Israel simply does not
negotiate with terrorists. "
Now we've got a new problem.
This country no longer has a president.
It has a scared father
whose little girl...
...is in a shack in Uganda
with a gun to her head!
Do you get it?!
Yes.
I'm sorry I yelled. Forgive me.
I want you to have freedom,
your youth...
...and have everyday experiences
with girls your own age.
But don't forget,
this is a privilege...
...and an experience
to be cherished beyond measure.
And proper protection and security,
though at times, it's a drag...
...is never too high a price to pay.
You're right. I'm sorry.
It's all right, sweetheart.
It's all right.
Good night.
Good night, sweetheart.
- I love you.
- I love you too.
Don't get up.
Good evening, Mr. President.
Hi.
Before, when I was being an idiot,
there was something I forgot to say.
What?
I'm sorry.
Thank you.
I'd like unanimous consent
to revise and extend my remarks.
Without objection.
I don't know what the hell
was wrong with me.
Anything I can do to help....
Anything.
Thanks.
I could have taken
the two on the left.
- They were mine.
- Which?
- The guys on the left.
- As you face the bar?
Yeah. No, no.
Say you're me,
facing the bar...
Sandwiches.
Thanks. Defending virtue
is hungry work.
I'll be at my desk.
- Donna.
- Yes?
How much was lunch?
- $12.95.
- I gave you $20.
Yes, as it turned out,
you gave me more money...
...than I needed to buy what
you asked for.
However, I can't trust you
to spend the change wisely.
I've invested it for you.
- Nice. A little parable.
- I want my money back.
- So those are my guys.
- There's the one guy...
Facing the other way.
Neither one of you could have
taken two guys.
- Josh.
- Yes, sir.
What were you doing taking
my daughter out to a bar?
- You told me to.
- I told you to take Charlie.
When Zoey said she was going,
I assumed you'd go have malteds.
- Malteds, sir?
- Yes.
What is this, Our Town?
Anyway, thank you for doing
whatever it was you did.
I didn't do anything.
For what it's worth,
Charlie didn't blink...
...before he put his body
between danger and Zoey.
Charlie.
Sam, you come too, please.
I once played the stage manager
in a production of Our Town.
- Charlie, you a good poker player?
- No, sir.
Excellent. Take a seat.
- Is Josh being punished?
- No.
- May I ask why not?
- Because I said so.
- Good evening.
- Good evening.
Good work, you two.
You bought us some time.
I understand you all had
an interesting evening.
- So did I.
- What happened?
- I met an unusual man.
- C.J., deal.
He didn't come with a political agenda,
with his mind made up.
He wanted to do what he thought
was best.
Didn't mind saying, "I don't know. "
I said "I don't know" to Sam.
I'm a better person for it.
I know everything about the census.
- You can ask me anything.
- How many people live in the U.S.?
There is some material
we haven't covered yet.
- Come on, Toby.
- I wanna watch this.
- We won it 40 votes ago.
- I just wanna hear this one.
Mr. Widen.
Mr. Widen of Pennsylvania votes yea.
Mr. Wilder.
Mr. Wilder of South Carolina votes yea.
Mr. Willis.
Mr. Willis of Ohio votes yea.
Mr. Zantowski....