The Vow (2020–…): Season 1, Episode 3 - At Cause - full transcript

Think about it.

Comfort is like an addiction.

The more we indulge
in this addiction,

the more we have to lose.

In the beginning,

it was my favorite
thing in the world,

and I loved it.

But it was just, like,
a feeling that I had.

It was like,
"You have to get out."

I think he has
interesting points,

and it got, you know,
it got me thinking about stuff.



He's trying to win
you over and keep you right now.

That day I allowed
myself to like question,

"What the fuck
is going on here?"

This is a group for women only.

Which I did approve.

I believe that
you are at the head of it.

I'm not at the head of it.

Questioning him
felt like I'd questioned

everything about myself.

Were you ever invited?

Well each time I was invited,

I can't speak of that.

Sarah tells me
that she is in this thing.

That it's called DOS,
and they branded me.



Okay.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah.

I said,
"It's important. Please call me back."

I can't
believe she went through that.

What the fuck?
Yeah. That's terrible.

Sarah?

Hi.

I want to talk about
the thing you texted me.

Sarah?

Sarah?

Yeah.

So, I...

You're having a panic attack,
Sarah.

You've having a panic attack,
yeah.

So sorry.

I, I understand.

No...

So,
this is my first year or two of curriculum.

It's uncomfortable
for me to see it now.

"Success is an internal state

"of clear,
honest knowledge of what I am,

"my value in the world,
and my responsibility

"for the way I
react to all things.

"There are no ultimate victims,

therefore I'll not
choose to be a victim."

That is a key foundational
piece for the rest of ESP.

Like,
why are you a victim to it?

Why,
why don't you get in there and change it?

All emotions are triggered

by the recognition of
the difference between

the way we want the world to be,

and the way the world is.

You will become aware that
you choose your emotional

and behavioral responses

in all situations.

This is what we refer
to as being "at cause."

When you're at cause,

everything that you feel,
you cause.

So,
no one else can make you feel any way.

I can change my state.

That is a huge,
beautiful shift to have,

that I can,
I can feel whatever I want, anytime.

Yes.

That's it. Yeah.

It took a
few years to crystallize

from helping me to,
"this is gonna be my business,"

um, 'cause I didn't start
making money right away.

The stripe path...
It was just a means,

it was a vehicle for me to
grow in a measurable way.

So, for example,
if you wanted to earn commission,

you were to enroll, on average,
one person a month

into minimum, a five-day.

I heard you're
one of the top sales people.

True story.

I went up the stripe
path very quickly.

Come on,
come on, come on, come on!

It's my competitive nature.

Barbara Bouchey was
the best salesperson in the company.

She invested in me.

Saw my sales. Nurtured them.

It's all marketing.

So, are you gonna be part of marketing,
or not?

She would even fly me to Albany

when I didn't have any
money to get trained with Keith.

Imagine if I
found a way to cure cancer.

I can't run up and
down the road and yell,

"I cured cancer!
I cured cancer!"

And the whole
world will rejoice.

- - I need credibility. Right?

You're going to tell someone
you're gonna better their life.

Right?

Who are you competing against?

Everyone in the universe.

You better be good.

- I keep drawing a blank.
- That's okay.

And I know I'm giving
you unbearable grief.

It's okay. - But...

if you could do it here,
you can do it in New York.

I know. I should
know this. Um...

All right. Who's
ready to have fun?

Yeah. Woo! All right. Okay.

So, in order to have fun,
we don't want anyone to get hurt.

No, it's... - Right?

No, not fun enough.

Who here is here to have fun?

- Fun? -

Come on. Fun?

There you... Okay.

- Okay.
- You should be trying to

- turn up their energy level.
- Okay.

When the audience gives
you the signal that they got it,

you move, you move, you move.

Okay, what's this?

Nine. Okay.

How could I... How
could I make this

into a representation of
the number six with one line?

What I was sold on

and what I sold
other people was that

they could be the best,
ideal version of themselves.

How many times are we
limited of not seeing the curvy line

because we think it must be,
should be, is,

believe it to be straight.

Throw the curtain away

from the little guy in
"The Wizard of Oz." Right?

We were taught that this is...

It is manipulative,
but it's a good manipulation.

You first have
to establish for them

how valuable their dream is.

I need to solicit what you need

to even say,
"This is how much it costs."

That's what this is about.

How much is it worth

to know the little guy
in your life?

How much do drop-ins, uh, cost?

What's the price
of what we offer?

Let's say 20 bucks a week.

Now, if you were able to take

as many of those
two-hour classes a week...

Like, unlimited classes.

How much would you pay to be
able to take as many as you want?

What's the price
of not having it?

And what I believe from
what you've told me, Mr. Jones,

is that not only do
you have dreams,

but you're the sort of person,
it sounds like,

you have a real passion
toward your dreams,

and that your dreams
are important to you.

I can't imagine that
you would sell them

for $10 a day. Sell 'em away.

It's not a question of if we can be
a hundred-million-dollar business.

It's a question of the how.

And how long do you wanna take,
and how do you wanna take it,

and how do you
wanna do it. Not if.

I was excited about
making an actual living.

I mean, up until this point, I was bringing
in thousands of dollars to the company.

No, I hear you.

Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

This is Nancy and her daughters,

Lauren and Michelle.

There's a Jewish term...

Do you know what mishpachah is?

Mishpachah means family.

And when you meet someone,
it's like, mishpachah.

- So, hi. -

Uh,
is everybody staying for stimulus response,

or we're doing two?

I think I met Lauren in Albany.

Thank you.

She was the head of education,
and I loved having her teach,

because she'd do
it in a very cool way.

At the time I met her,

Nancy had talked
her up to me a fair bit.

You know,
how much I'd love her, you know,

we're both
interested in theater...

I think we have a couple of, um,

NXIVM's top-10 most
sexy men in our cast.

She was just
over a year older than me.

My mom and her mom
are both therapists.

We were so similar.

When I came to Albany,
we'd go get our nails done

before intensives. We'd shop.

Yay!

It's equivalent
of my therapist and superior.

And best friend. It's a
very bizarre combination.

And that's who I EM-ed with.
That's who I trusted the most.

Most EMs lead back to a memory,

and it's looking at the belief
system that causes reactions.

All the facilitator has to do
is fill in missing information

of logic that you didn't
have when you were a kid.

The camera's gonna focus
onscreen. I'm gonna turn this mic on.

Today what we're gonna do is
learn how to explore meaning,

but before we can learn
how to explore meaning,

we have to have a
good understanding

of the surface structure
versus the deep structure.

Like, you know, this cup.

Definition of a cup is...

You can use it to carry,
contain, to hold things.

Meaning of it may be
this is my favorite cup.

It's a very special cup.
It's my... You know,

I don't feel okay if I
don't have the cup.

You're interacting with
things not as they are,

but as you imbue them.

I used EM with a
number of other people,

which I didn't find nearly
as efficient as Lauren.

Lauren was, I think,
375 U.S. for an EM.

Which is like,
three times what everyone else charges.

But Lauren was like,
sort of the... the queen of it.

Um...

You have to understand that

somebody comes to you for an EM,

what they say is,
"Can you help me?"

But then when you start
to get close to the issue,

they do everything to
keep you from helping them.

Especially with acting.

It's really hard on
the self-esteem.

If you get a part,
you don't know why.

If you don't get a part,
you don't, you don't know why.

And when you feel that,
you make it mean something

that it doesn't mean.

You need to EM that.

And that's why I
became such a good enroller.

Because I'd use the tools,

and get an EM,
and then I'd be like,

"Okay, well,
some people are gonna reject me.

"And that's... that's okay.

They're not rejecting me.
They're rejecting the tools. I'm fine."

So I became very
bulletproof in that way.

That's why you get an
EM with somebody else

and not with yourself,
because you trust them enough

to take you through a process
where you're gonna confront that fear

and come out with more
information and not have it at the end.

But if it were up to you,
you'd never face it.

Mm-hmm.

No, Lauren!

Smile for the camera.

I met Nippy in,

was it 2006?

It was like, who is this guy?

I mean, he was super cute,
but I was like,

what's his, what's his deal?

Action.

Who are you supposed to be?

Hmm.

And both of us

drove each other crazy,
respectively.

And rolling.

And then we
went to V-Week together.

Mark.

V-Week is like
the best adult summer camp

you've ever experienced.

V-Week is the trailer
of Vanguard's dream.

It's at the YMCA resort

in the Adirondacks.

You just descend upon the
whole camp and take over.

And we spent the
whole week together.

Dancing together, or singing.

We were talking about these
deep concepts and philosophy.

You say it better than I do,
of course.

What's civilization?

People working together

based on principle,

to improve the nature
of existence itself.

You know,
support the mission. Build community.

This is a mistake.

Celebrate Keith.

Celebrate his birthday.

All of it is in,
in tribute to Vanguard.

It's all for you for your birthday.

So, happy birthday.

And then one time,
everyone else was, like,

hunkering down to
practice their EMs,

and I kind of
escaped to the beach,

and Nippy and I, um,

were trying to reenact that
scene from "Dirty Dancing"

where she jumps,
and he catches her like this.

We were doing it over
and over again in the water.

And that's when
the history began.

That's when the magic started.

Oh, my gosh.

Nancy was there,
and Lauren was my maid of honor,

and my officiant.

Probably half of the
people were from ESP.

Together, you
represent a special and integral balance

of ethics and humanity,
empathy and discipline,

character and compassion.

Mark and Bonnie had gotten
married a couple years prior,

and Keith wrote their vows,

and I got permission we
could use them for ours.

I vow that there
will be no trial of life,

or test of circumstance through
which I will surrender this love

to the convenience
of anger or fear.

This I promise you
to my last breath.

I choose you, Nippy,
to be my husband.

Mazel tov!

We had Allison Mack singing.

I felt
like I was finding it all.

Meaning family...

belonging...

community.

I remember saying to them,
"I wanna bring this to Vancouver."

And, and I even told Nancy that,
that when I met her,

and she was like, "Well,
a lot of people say that,

so, we'll see."

She dared me. I took the dare.

Double-dog dare.

- Oh, my God!
- Ready? Ready?

- Yeah.
- Here we go.

And then we
opened the actual center,

and that was a very self-defining and,
and beautiful moment,

because there was a group of
us from Vancouver that were, like,

very dedicated young ESP-ians.

A lot of young people

who were in film and, film and
television industry. A lot of actors.

Oh, shit, it's video.

- Hi, Nicki. - Hi.

Cut. And action.
Let's start again.

I feel like the biggest
limitation is that

we judge ourselves.

We're all
sort of in the same boat,

struggling with our self-esteem,

and body issues,
and meaning and purpose.

I'm Kristin, as you know.

Um, I'm excited to work with you guys,
and...

I don't know what else to say.

- Say hi to Sarah.
- Hi, Sarah.

How are we contributing

as a society, to

the myth of celebrity.

'Cause a lot of things... people
seem to be rather caught up in it.

Allie Mack.

When we first started,

she was living the
life in Vancouver.

She was a VIP,
as they called her.

Come on up.

Before we had the center,

y ou know,
we were all going to Tacoma every weekend,

or flying to Albany.

It's quite far.

How it feels having a center?

I think the most
extraordinary thing is,

people feel they
have a home now.

We were like nomads.

We have
worked really hard for this.

For this moment, for this day.

And I don't think that, uh...

I don't think I would be who
I am without Mark in my life.

I know that for sure.

I'd like to say something
about Proctor Edmondson.

Um, Sarah is, um,

such a shining example
of somebody who,

who has a vision in her mind,

and will pursue it
relentlessly. Relentlessly.

I can tell you that I would want
to be in the trenches with her

in every single endeavor.

So...

I'm all verklempt now.

Extraordinary,
extraordinary human being.

And somebody
who I respect deeply.

So, thank you.

This is it.

Here's Sarah,
one of our center owners. How does it feel?

I am so excited. Vancouver!

There's people signing
applications in my office.

It's a dream come true.

How many people did you enroll?

Um, directly and indirectly,
over 2,000.

People made jokes.

And they'd be like, "Oh,
you go do your cult thing,"

or, "How's your cult?"

One more time. Okay, ready? Go!

I would joke, "Well,
if this is a cult,

"as in a group of people that
have a similar mindset or beliefs,

"it's a cult of happy,
successful people, so...

What's the problem?"

Like egg yolks.

- His tail is right here.
- Is that his tail?

Lauren, I made her godmother,

because she didn't
have kids of her own,

and we wanted Troy to grow
up in the ESP community.

Can you see him?

And we helped each other, and...

- - Oh! That's so sweet.

Oop, he's running away.

And I felt
like I could tell her anything.

All right, we're gonna go.

Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

They gave me my green sash
just after I'd given birth to Troy.

Troy was three months old.

You were supposed to get
promoted every six months,

but for two and a half years,
I didn't get another stripe.

And we were getting pressure
from all sides to move to Albany.

I mean,
we have the best culture here,

we have the most
advanced society here.

This is like the Rome of the modern world,
Albany.

- - Clifton Park in particular.

I never wanted to move there.

But at the same time,
I didn't want to stagnate.

- - Good, babe.

And Nippy never really
settled into Vancouver,

and he wasn't
particularly happy there.

Boom! So focused.

And he would say, "Well, you know,
like, I'm the, I'm head of SOP."

Keith wants me there.

SOP is the Society
of Protectors,

w hich was a
workshop for the men,

about commitment and honor,

and how to be... be a leader.

Masculinity is a tool.

This is not to say all
masculinity is great.

We abuse our power,
we trample on women,

we even trample on each other.

We need a group. We
need hundreds of thousands.

Millions of men
as a voice of honor

so that we can do
more in the world.

So we don't have a President...

United States presidential
election like the last one.

So we don't have
media like we have.

So we don't have politicians,

and things like
that like we have.

And are those people bad?

No,
but they've been trained badly.

Nippy, SOP spoke to his values

very specifically.

Yeah... this is...

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But that doesn't...

I mean, I...

And, uh...

Then DOS came around.

Lauren came to
Vancouver to do a five-day.

She said,
"I want to tell you about something."

She said it was incredibly cool,

it was incredibly
helpful in her life.

"You know, this, this is gonna
help you in your relationship.

"This is like why you're
stuck in the stripe path.

"This is exactly what you need.

This is what you
need to be strong."

She couldn't tell me anything
else until I gave her collateral.

And she's like, "It should be
something you feel nauseated about."

I'm like, "Like what?"

She's like, "Oh, I don't know. Like,
a confession about something bad you did.

"Something that I'll hold forever
to make sure that you never

break your vow of secrecy."

And I felt weird about it,

but Lauren,
as the head of education,

Nancy's daughter,
my best friend,

all these things in my life,

she's telling me that
there's something

that's helped her more
than anything else.

Like, I'm definitely intrigued.

And collateral was
a term that was used

as part of the vernacular.

Commitment has
to be collateralized.

I don't say, "Oh, you know, oh,
yeah, I give you my word on that."

"Oh,
yeah. I give you my word on that. Eh."

No. If I give you my word,

it's collateralized

by my whole self-image.

The more you
collateralize your word,

the stronger your word becomes.

Your word is your bond.

No excuses.

I'm like, "Well, I don't,
I don't have a lot of secrets.

I don't have, like,
a dark, sordid past."

She said, "Just make it up."

She videotaped me... I
knew I was being filmed,

but we were pretending
that I didn't know that.

And I shit-talked my husband,

my mom, my dad, and my brother.

Saying things like,
"Nippy's a terrible husband.

Like, he beats our son."

Awful things that
have no basis in reality.

Aah!

She gets real excited.

Mm-hmm.

You know how
Freemasons are out there,

changing the world. You
don't know who they are.

They're this force
for good in the world.

It's the same thing,
but for women.

It's similar to SOP.

Something happens bad to you,

don't you want a
bunch of tough people

who can take on the burden,

carry the log, do it with you?

Every time we prove
ourselves against comfort,

hmm,
we're just... We're tougher.

And I was like, "Well,
that sounds pretty cool."

And she said,
"It's a vow of obedience,

and a lifetime commitment."

And what made sense
to me already is that

Lauren and I have
already talked about being

old-age bubbes in
matching velour track suits

going for walks in the sea
wall in Florida or, like, whatever,

and teaching trainings. Like,
we're doing this for the rest of our lives.

So it's a like a heightened
level of a coaching relationship.

Which makes sense
as she goes into...

"And we call it master-slave."

So what I knew about this
point was that Lauren had sisters.

She was part of a pod.

I knew there were other
sisters under Lauren.

She said,
"One day you'll have slaves.

And you'll have six slaves,
and then you'll be a grandmaster."

I'm like... Now keep in mind,

every step along the
way is totally weird,

just like sashes are weird.

But then Lauren explains it,

and it's, like,
a little less weird.

It's like,
it's more of a... a metaphor.

It's an exercise.

I said, "Okay. This is bizarre,
but I'm in."

And then she said, "Okay,
if you're in, then you need to give

more collateral to
solidify your agreement."

She's like, "Yeah. Let's...
Let's just do a nude photo."

Just for me to have.
So I know you're in."

So she has the photo.

She sends it off, and I'm in.

From that point forward,
Lauren was my master.

I had to be accountable
to her all the time.

I had daily contact with
her a few times a day.

Before this, months would go
by when I hadn't heard from her.

It felt...

I felt special to be,

to be coached and
mentored closely by her.

I said, "Well, it's Lauren,
and I love her,

and I get to spend
time with her."

And I knew I was part of a pod
but I didn't know who they were yet,

'cause I hadn't met them.

I basically was in for six weeks

when Lauren asked
me to go to Albany

for an initiation ceremony.

I got on the phone with
her about something,

and I asked how she was doing. She's like,
"I'm great.

"I've lost a lot of weight since
you were here last thanks to DOS,

and I'm,
I'm down at my goal weight."

And I said, "What is your goal
weight?" It was like 103 or 104.

Lauren lost 20
pounds in six weeks.

So we get there, and, um,

as a part of the
initiation ceremony,

you get a tattoo that,
like, all the sisters have,

and that we'll all know that we have it,
and it's really cool.

And that night,
Nippy drops me off.

I told him I had a
meeting with Lauren.

And Lauren,
she was like, "Oh, my God,

I'm so excited. This
is actually happening."

And like she was all, "Aah! Oh!"

You know. And she
brings me upstairs. We hug.

She brings me to her guest room,

and says,
"Take off your clothes,

and I'll be right... I'll
be back in a little bit."

Then she came back,
gave me a blindfold.

I could feel, like,
there were other people around me.

And then she said,

"Okay,
sisters. Take off your blindfolds."

And we took our blindfolds off
and I saw who I was sitting with.

Now, I'm sitting buck naked,

cross-legged on a sheepskin rug

with four other
women who I know,

and I've known... some of
them I've known for, for years.

And we're all like, "Oh,
my God. This is so weird."

And she's like, "Guys,
it's just your bodies.

You have to get
over your issues."

So we're like, you know.

We piled into her car,
put blindfolds on again,

drove somewhere where
it's supposed to be top secret.

But I cheated and looked out
of the bottom of my bandanna,

and saw that we were
at Allison Mack's house.

So now I know Allie's involved.

And at that point,

for the first time,
Lauren showed us her brand.

It's not a tattoo.

And I just was
really freaked out.

It's a fucking medical
procedure without anesthetic.

And the first person
lay down on the table,

and they started to
draw a line in her flesh

with a cauterizing iron.

And her flesh started to
burn and smoke and sizzle.

W e had to hold her down.

We were crying, we were shaking,
we were holding each other.

One of my other sisters and I
were looking at each other, like...

"What the fuck? Like,
where the fuck are we?

How did we get here?"

I don't want to do this.

I was just thinking,
"How the fuck am I gonna get out?

How the fuck am I
gonna get out of here?"

I was even thinking about
texting Nippy and saying like,

"Hey. I think I'm at
Allison Mack's house.

I'm naked. Help me."

Each person took 30 minutes.

So I had two hours of watching
other people get branded.

And they weren't doing
well. They were squirming,

they were crying, they were twitching,
they were sweating.

And at one point, Lauren pulled
me aside and said, "You're green.

You need,
you need to show them how to do this."

Everything in my body was going,

"Don't do this. Don't
do this. Get the fuck out.

This is not a good thing to do."

The other part of me is going,

"I'm a fucking pussy.
I gotta be strong."

I am feeling the most
fear I've ever felt in my life.

I sat down before
my turn. I'm like,

"Lauren,
I don't want this thing on my body."

"But what's the worst
part? What does it mean?"

What does it mean to be afraid?

And she was literally
EMing me just before I got branded.

What's
the worst thing that can happen?

- I
- disassociated out of my body.

And I lay on the table,

and I just, like,
triggered a state of love.

And I just thought about my son.

Then I thought about the moment
when I was actually giving birth to him.

And all the other women were like,
"Oh, my God.

Sarah didn't even move."

Then I open my eyes,

and there's Lauren
staring at me lovingly.

I came out of that,
being, like...

"Holy fuck. I did it."

I can do anything.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

- - No.

I was, I was dying to tell him,
and I remember just,

he had, like,
you know, I said, like,

"I had a great meeting,"
or something.

"Oh, yeah?" Like,
he wasn't engaged.

And I wanted to tell him,
like, "I'm so strong."

Like, "You'd never be
able to do what I just did."

Lauren told me to start

making a list of people
that I wanted to do this with.

Like, at this point,
I already had one slave,

and I'm like saying to Lauren,
"What do I do with her?"

And I found out, like, her other
slaves were doing errands for her,

and like helping her around the house,
and like,

whatever needed to
be done. Foot rubs.

And then at some point, she said,
"Yeah, we need new collateral."

I was like, "What?"

It was like,
"We need new collateral every month,

to strengthen your
word every month."

She's like, "You know,
like the deed to your home."

I'm like, "What do you mean,
the deed to your home?"

Like, "That's not how it works."

She's like, "You take the,

"you know, the paperwork,

and you go to a lawyer
and get it notarized."

I had a lot of questions.

Like, who holds my collateral?

Everything was,
"You don't need to know.

- - That's your control issues."

- - It's
not what I signed up for.

The whole "not
what I signed up for"

doesn't hold weight,
though, because

I am at cause. I chose...
Everything that happened

in this situation with DOS,
I chose.

I, I chose to be involved.

I chose to be committed.

I chose to make a vow
of obedience to her.

So now I've gotta do
whatever she asks.

Lauren started sending
me screen shots of women

in my organization in
Vancouver through Facebook.

Like, "What about this
girl? What about this girl?"

All beautiful, skinny girls.

Like it became, enroll,
enroll, enroll, enroll.

- - Recruit, recruit, recruit.

...Slaves
to get slaves to get slaves.

...Check in
every day with who's on your list.

Have they given
collateral for first,

or have they given
collateral for second?

Most of the other masters,
when recruiting, were just like,

"Let's just go in the bathroom
and like I'll take a photo of your tits."

There were so many
things that were not okay,

in a very short period of time.

I'm putting things together.

The symbol was
not a symbol for the elements

or whatever
bullshit they told us.

I just looked in the mirror,

and saw, like, you know when a,
a picture pops up

and one of those, like, paintings with,
like, the thing emerges,

and you're like, "Oh, that's what
it is. It's a turtle," or whatever.

It was like, whoosh, "A.M."

I was like, "Oh, my God."

And I think it's a brand
of Allison Mack's initials.

And I knew that I was in
her home when I got branded,

so it seems like Allie
Mack's the top of this thing.

And I showed my slave.

And I said, "Do you wanna see
what you're supposed to get?"

And she was like, "Look."

You had to turn
your head to the side.

It's a brand of Keith's initials,
and Allison Mack's.

And I was like, "What the fuck?"

I wasn't brought in for Keith.

What, what holds us back

from being the most
awesome you that you can be?

- What do you think?
- Fear.

Fear. Correct,
yeah. What, what else?

I was brought
in as a recruitment tool.

Yeah.

Is that why?

Yeah.

Mark told me,
um, Sarah got branded.

And I was like, "What?" Like,
"What is going on?"

At first, I was kind of like,
"Sarah, what are you doing?"

I didn't nec... I didn't
think Keith was part of it.

In my mind,
I was blaming Bonnie.

But Bonnie had seen
Keith for who he really is.

And I've been out there peddling this
fuckin' shit for however many years?

Um, pissed and scared.

Mostly scared.

'Cause there's also
the component of like...

If this isn't true, like,
what I was doing,

but, like, how do I not... What,
what's real?

You know, they think it's
noble to not let the fear conduct

and inform their decisions.

I'm like, look,
if a bus is coming,

you need to get the
fuck outta the way.

Fear is not a bad thing.

It's a warning sign.

I'm not...

What if you're wrong?

Right.

Mm-hmm.

Mommy!

Okay.

Nippy?

And I think
it's good... I think it's good...

Our
relationships are the place where we

learn to be human.

In what capacity?

No.

'Cause ultimately I think I did.

I mean,
if I had known things sooner,

and didn't do anything,
yeah, obviously.

But, I... It just... The thing
happened underneath my nose.

I trusted Lauren. I
trusted this whole thing.

We're talking
about building strength.

Let's say you're 23,
24 right now.

And you're the kind of
person who wants to do good.

Where would you go?

You'd trust our
legal system for that?

Do you trust our
political system for that?

Responsibility exists
whether you see it or not.

Responsibility is the physics,

the interconnected-ness
of all things.

You can try to deny it,
but that's your stupidity.

Write an excuse.

Prove to me you're impotent.

Blame someone,

now you show me that,
that you've been dominated

and you're a victim.

I was the jackass.

And once you can
reconcile what you did,

how you did it,

the next step is
pretty clear. You fix it.

Let me get a butterfly kiss.

Oh, my God,
I didn't realize it's 4:28.

I gotta run. Okay.

I remember one of the
things that happened

when I was first in ESP,
I was driving

like in a situation like this,

and, like,
got a little road rage with someone,

and there was, like,
there was a coach

in the back.

And he was like, "Sarah...

"You're an ambassador
for humanity now.

"You're not allowed to express

that kind of emotion."

Oh, man. So complicated.

Mmm...

Been waiting to do
that for a long time.

Okay?

You okay?

I'm not okay.

I feel that. I feel it.

Everything feels like my fault right now.

I think it's like,
I feel like...

you know, 'cause all these
people came through us, you know?

We brought them in,
we had to take 'em out.

When I realized how many women

that I'd brought
to the community,

I mean that was a
whole different level of,

"What the fuck?"

I felt like
India was my little sister.

I believe India's in danger,

so I got in touch
with Catherine.

This is not anything
that my child would do.

It's easy for people to say

"This is all bad," or,
"This is all good."

I wanted to believe he was good.

And he would always ask,
"What do I want?"

That was when it
became about control.

This
organization has taken my child.

I will do whatever it
takes to get her back.