The Venture Bros. (2003–…): Season 7, Episode 8 - The Terminus Mandate - full transcript

Why aren't you guys in costume?

Uh, because we're having
a secret sit-down

in a public place, maybe?

I thought we were going
for intimidating villainy,

so I got all...

All right.
I'll go change.

Oh, I ordered the stuffed
peppers, so save me one.

She didn't exist
until she was 25.

Her name... Teresa Didae.

Her friends would call her Terri
if she had any.

Let's just say that Teresa
has too many dark secrets



to have friends
to call her Terri.

It's because she killed
her husbands, isn't it?

All of them.

She walks into their life
as Miss Perfect,

treats them like gods.

Then she gets a ring, and they
get a closed-coffin funeral.

That's fine. Now go back to the
"treats them like gods" part.

She's mastered
the art of seduction...

finds a rich man
and gives him the works.

Oh! What's "the works"?
Specifically.

Like, uh, say no orifice
is off limits?

Or are we
on different pages here?

Different pages here.
I'm on the obituaries.

You're on, like,
the Penthouse Forum.



So, you found me
the perfect black widow.

Well, I just need
her Web address so I can, uh...

Oh!

My God, "Web address," and she's
a black widow. You get it?

There's nothing to get
but killed.

She'll love you
and leave you... dead.

I hope you can stop her.

What?

I'm not gonna stop her.

I'm gonna ask her out.

Hmm.
That's interesting.

Where're all the bad guys at?

I can't see any. Can someone
point out the supervillains?

Blind Rage.
Please have a seat.

Don't.
I see perfectly.

With my radar, I know
where the big guy is seated,

how much wine is in that glass,

and that your breasts are
spilling from your brassiere.

Is it your monthlies?
Oh, I'm just kidding.

I'd be able to smell it
if you were.

Heightened senses.

So, how's the Council of,
uh... what is it? Five?

Guild Council is doing fine,
thank you.

Let's stop pretending
we like each other

and just get this over with.

Fine. The Peril Partnership had
a little deal with the Wale,

and we haven't been seeing
any of our kickbacks.

So we are not happy.

Your deal
with Wide Wale is not a deal

with
the Guild of Calamitous Intent.

If you'd care to make an offer
to us, we're listening.

You pay us to pretend
to be scared of you has-beens

and keep out of your territory.

If you don't,
the Partners drop a shitstorm

of costumed villainy
on your doorstep.

I'll extend your offer
to the Guild.

We're done here.

On your way out,
take some of those free mints.

Your breath is appalling.

Okay, but when the Guild
gets blamed for it,

don't come crawling to me.

Unless you want a night
that you're never gonna forget.

Red, it's not worth it.

Hey, you kicked ass
on those stuffed peppers, boss.

Delish!

Uh, was that him?

- What did I miss?
- Everything.

I'm calling a Council meeting.
Do you want to cater it?

I had nothing to change into.

That's it?

We pay them off and look like

we are afraid of their bluster
and short pants?

Why make a thing of it?
It's pocket change.

It's a mistake.

This is
just the beginning with them.

It's the end.
We've voted,

and the Peril Partnership
gets their money to go away.

- Solved.
- I'll make the drop.

It's on my way home.

Good.
Next business.

Okay, since we can't find 13
members for the Council of 13,

I've gone back to
the original charter,

and I found this.
Okay, I'm quoting.

"The Council, constituting the
superannuated, thus appointed,

are reborn
as the governing body."

Okay, I'll be your huckleberry.
What does that mean?

I think what she's saying is,
we're super-awesome.

I didn't hear no talk

- about no 13 anything.
- Well, there isn't any.

The 13 was
the Sovereign's little flourish.

But it does mean that all of us

can no longer be
active villains.

So we're good guys now?

Ooh, may I be Captain Handsome?

Watch and Ward are handing out

your final arch.

Your last hurrah of sorts.

We really did our research here.

Satisfaction guaranteed.

There it is. Have fun.
Get it out of your blood.

Enjoy yourselves.
At our next meeting,

we retire as villains
or resign from the Council.

Adjourned.

Oh, my God, she's perfect.

Maybe she drops her hand-bra
in the next one.

We can't see the other pictures
unless she's a friend.

Friend her!
Wait. Romance her.

Is there an "add romance"
or a wink?

Can we wink and then bow?

Perhaps we should send her
a flower made of punctuation.

Too desperate, too stupid.

Just wait till
she answers your message.

Ugh. You really are serious
about this, aren't you?

What are you thinking?

That I haven't been with a woman
since Hank's graduation.

- Gross.
- You don't know the half of it.

Well, then go out there
and find a real woman

that won't kill you
and take your money.

Brock, this is a woman that
seduces rich men for a living.

Oh, think about how amazing
that woman is in bed.

- Ugh, gross.
- Not gross!

I'm a man.
I need to be touched.

I would like to be touched
by an amazing-looking woman

who wants only to please me.

I don't want to be laughed at,
denied,

or even feel like
the pathetic man I clearly am!

He does make
some solid points, Brock.

Okay, let's, uh,
figure this out.

Gentlemen, the spider
has taken the fly.

Mad?
Why would I be mad?

Because you'll never be
my Number 2 again?

Or that you made
this decision without me

and just dropped it in my lap
like a hot, stupid idea?

Mad? That's crazy!

I'm so happy for you.

This is my career, sweetie.
This is what it requires.

Do you want me to quit?
Join you and Gary?

I want it to be
like it was 20 minutes ago,

- before you did this!
- Yeah, well

- that's not gonna happen.
- This... This... No!

- Sweetie, come on.
- No!

- We can work through it.
- No.

You know, he's not gonna
commit suicide or anything.

What?
Why would you even say that?

Oh, he wouldn't. He wouldn't go
out and cheat on you or drink...

Gary, stop whatever that is.

- You're making it worse.
- I was comforting you.

All right, fine.
Next topic.

So, who's your final arch?

Here, you read it.

Uh, if you have to arch Venture,
he's gonna go mental.

Just saying.

"Dr. Mrs. The Monarch.

It was as Lady Au Pair when you
had your most humbling defeat.

You were inches away
from possessing the..."

Faith Diamond.
52.8 carats.

Worth an estimated $300 million.

And it's all ours.

Will you stop opening
the cash bags?

What? We would never take
any money for ourselves, Mum.

That ain't right!
Accusing us?

Ri-damn-diculous.

Don't say "I do" so quickly.

Novia! Funny. I don't remember
getting your RSVP.

Lady Au Pair
and her two Moppets.

Always a bridesmaid,
never a bride.

I'm more of a career girl.

Well, then I guess you won't
want to catch...

my bouquet!

Oh, you heard about it?

Yes, all of our old archrivals.

Who do you think?

It's you.

Wait! No, no, that's exactly
what we should do!

I know you were kidding,
but I'm not.

Old-school!
That's right!

Like men.

Midnight,
Central Park, Bow Bridge.

Oh, I'll be there.

Ha!
You got to be kiddin' me.

Those two set
the Wayback Machine

all the way back
to when I started out.

So, who's the unlucky good guy?

Curtis Sliwa
of the Guardian Angels.

Sliwa? We made peace with
that guy a long time ago.

He's part of my friggin'
Thursday night poker game even.

No, he's good people.

But he's got to take
a fall on your fists.

I don't need him doin'
that karate shit on me.

- Ah, you serious?
- Of course I'm serious!

Go slap Sliwa around
and then, uh...

take him to Keens
for some chops.

What's wrong with you?
Get out of here!

Okay...

"Dr. Z, we have
only one word for you.

That word is 'Johnny. ""

Of course it is.

Good times, good times.

You will never escape, Johnny!

It's Buddy!
He followed us!

Silence the animal!

Don't you shoot at my dog.

Hold it, Johnny.

Stupid dog is interfering
with my spectacular plans!

Look, it is Anubis.
The god himself.

And he is displeased!

No, no, you fools!
Come back!

It's the dog stuck in a mask!

How idiotic can you be?!

Gosh, mister. Your henchmen
are terrible at their job.

I know, right?
They're bunglers!

And they will be executed!

Hard line.
One bungle, you're out.

Zero-bungle tolerance.

Well, you gonna read it?

Oh, as if you don't know already

who it's gonna be.

Oh, look who they chose
for Radical Left.

It's Right Wing.

Mm-hmm.
Real shocker there.

Looks like I'm gonna have to
vanquish you again.

Oh, take your best shot!

This time, don't absorb me.

Again.

Go on, then.
How bad could it be?

What if it's Commander Ruin?

He punched me in the tummy once,
and I vomited on his boots.

Instantly coughed up
a Reuben sandwich on his boots.

He never forgave me.

I'm hoping it's the guy
from "Home Improvement."

Not the main guy,
but... but the handyman.

Al.
I hope it's Al.

Did you arch
the "Home Improvement" guy?

I did not. But I hope it's him
because he would never hurt us.

He wouldn't.
He seems n-nice.

Maybe it would be prudent
to wait till after dinner?

Dinner and another episode
of "Downton Abbey."

Oh, here comes
the 70-year-old errand boy.

Listen to those steps.

Hey, you got to slow down,

or you're gonna bust
a hip there, old man.

Better all be there or...

The simplest
murder ever committed.

Almost too easy.

Professor Plum in the ballroom
with the candlestick!

Oh, you got lucky!

Best out of five.

Set up the board again.

Okay, we are on.

Let's move, people!

Oh, Mr. Venture.

So nice to meet you.

I lean in for the kiss
but don't because?

Vial of hydrofluoric acid
between teeth and gums.

Death occurs within 18 hours.
Keep moving!

Right. So, I don't take her hand
because of a concealed blade?

Or a false fingernail
filled with batrachotoxin.

Right. Then I immediately offer
her a dip in the hot tub.

Care for a dip in my hot tub?

No way to conceal weapons,
water dilutes poison.

Plus, I get to see the goods
as a bonus.

Oh, Mr. Venture.
It's so chilly out.

Let's just sit down and chat.

Okay.
Now I lead her to the couch.

Okay, I come in here
and go, "Gee, Pop,

can you sign
this last will and testament?

I've been asking for ages."

And I say something like,

"Oh, I'm so devil-may-care
with my billions of dollars.

But don't worry, son.

I have a huge life-insurance
policy, so you'll be fine.

Don't worry about the will."

Ah, thank you.

You just ingested
a lethal dose of tetrodotoxin

that I would've slipped
into your drink.

Nice one, Dean.

All right,
let's run it again, people!

We're really gonna
go through with this?

It's the only way.

Drop 'em and measure!

Ah. Are we, uh, measuring
from the top or...

From the base.

Let's try to keep
a little dignity.

Oh, you're up.
Goody.

We can start
your history lesson.

Long before there were

loud-mouthed buff guys
in spandex,

there was the Gentleman Villain.

His favorite sinister act
was this...

tying someone to a train track.

It's simple, inexpensive,
personal, and deadly.

But it gives you a little hope.

Maybe you'll escape.

God damn it!

Lesson's not over, sonny!

Now, the Gentleman Villain had
these old-school time bombs...

three sticks of dynamite
wired to an alarm clock.

And what was so poetic
about that is that they ticked.

You could hear them.
Tick, tick, tick.

Nowadays, they're just digital.

No sound, no peril.

Oh? Oh, ho, ho!

Do you hear that?

There's the ticking.

The train is coming.

Is it on this track?

Tick, tick, tick.

Maybe it's on the other track.

Tick, tick, tick!

Not bad for an old man, huh?

I'm gonna get going
and let you try to escape.

And if you do,
tell the Peril Partnership

that the Guild
isn't scared of punks.

If you don't?
Eh... sorry.

And what is
the purpose of your visit?

Professional menace?

Nothing complicated.

I'll probably just
chase him around,

unless you have a biplane
or a werewolf costume

- or something fun.
- Mm-hmm.

And what is
your relation to John?

Why must you keep
calling him "John"?

He is Johnny,
the pesky son of my archenemy.

And since he is dead,
Johnny is all I have.

Oh, well, we love John, too.

Unfortunately,
it's not visiting hours.

If you'd like to write him
a note, we could give it to him.

Uh, all right.

"I... will... get... you... Johnny."

That is so sweet.

Oh, and you came all this way.

Why don't you wait over there?

I'll talk to his counselors and
see what they can do for you.

Oh, you're very kind.

I will spare your life!

Oh, Lady Violet,
you are a delicious bitch,

- and you have my heart.
- Indeed.

I confess I have fantasized
about double-teaming her.

As if we have any other option
besides double-teaming her.

One more episode before
we open the envelope?

I think it prudent.

No way Matthew is really dead.

According
to Guild Colossurveillance,

she should be
around here somewhere.

Dude, that's where
the Ventures live!

Your husband is gonna die.

Please, Gary, don't tell him.
I don't want to deal.

He's going through
so much right now.

Oh, my God, right?
Seriously.

Everything I knew about myself
has changed in, like, a year.

You know, screw it.
I need to embrace change.

You want to cut off my ponytail?

Not this.
The real one.

Really? I so will.
I hate that thing.

- You look like... Steven Seagal.
- Brad Pitt!

Tell me about... Or no.
Or that.

- Not as much, though.
- Oh, my God, that's her.

That's... That's Novia.

Shit, she looks great.

Um, let's not do this.

Follow me.

Excuse me!

Ma'am, were you Novia?

Tim-Tom?

Tim-Tom Moppet?

You're... big now?

I didn't know that could happen.

- Does that happen to...
- I didn't grow.

I'm not a Moppet, biologically.
I'm a henchman.

Or a sidekick now, but,
you know, not with Lady Au Pair.

- With her husband...
- Sheila?

Ta-da!

So, Novia...

Terri, I mean.

Wow!
So

Wow.
Uh, forget it.

Forget it.
This is too weird.

My... God. Sheila.

Uh... hi!

All right, I know this looks
stupid, because it is.

It's, like, the dumbest thing
in the world,

but I'm supposed to
arch you tonight.

But now I can't
because you look great

and I am dressed
like a stupid nanny.

- No, no, no. You look beautiful.
- My husband is dealing

with all this crap
I gave him tonight.

- I just sprung it on him.
- No!

And I was just thinking
about myself, and now...

I'm supposed to be arching you,
and you look really good,

and you've made so many
better life decisions...

So, I talked to my wife,

and, uh, she was fine
with you moving in.

So was Ro-Boy.

Thanks, man.

You're all right.

I love you, Johnny.

- Yeah, no, uh, that's cool.
- In the platonic sense, I mean.

Not literally.

Not even platonically, really,
since Plato was all about

showing naked young boys
a good time.

You know, classical Greece.
I...

It was totally cool back...

Hey, maybe we shouldn't... mm,
rush into this kind of stuff.

Maybe you just...
I don't know...

maybe loan me
a couple bucks instead?

Yes. Uh, perhaps
that would be better.

Mm, oh.

Oh! Thanks for
the mask thing, man. I mean...

Oh, no! Look!

- Anubis! Aah!
- Oh!

Oh, you can run, Johnny,
but you will never get away!

Right? Yeah.
We, uh...

We did that.

Yeah.

Good times.

Oh, you want me to go run
and hide or something?

Oh, oh! Please do.

Just one more time.

Mm!

Oh, just do it already!

We've lived long enough.

Yes.
This is how we should go.

Go ahead.
I'm ready.

"Red Mantle and Dragoon.

We regretfully inform you

that all of your archenemies
are deceased."

We won!

We outlived all of those
good-guy pieces of crap.

They couldn't best us!

Boy, that guy
from "Home Improvement"

really dodged a bullet tonight,
eh?

I'm telling you, we so
would've kicked AI's fat ass.

I still can't believe you agreed

to come in the middle
of the night.

Wait.

Is this a booty call?

This is a booty call, isn't it?

Uh, slow down.

Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow.

You are the most honest man
I've ever met.

- You're completely fearless.
- Do you like it?

I have no idea what I'm doing.

I'm so hopped up
on this atropine, theophylline,

and antivenom
that Brock gave me.

- Whoo!
- Uh-huh.

And is Brock
the man behind those bushes

with a rifle trained on me?

Hi, Brock!
Yeah, he's my bodyguard.

And this is my body.

Well, it's a very nice body.

Hey, I want to ask you something

before all these pills I took
make me pass out.

Do I have a chance here?

I don't know
what people told you about me,

but I doubt it's true.

Well, I heard that you have

a lot of skeletons
in your closet.

Yeah, well, okay,
that one might be true.

Tonight proved that.

- Lots of s-skeletons...
- I ran into a...

well, an old friend,
right out in fro...

I didn't do that!

It really wasn't so bad.

I mean, you didn't vomit
till she was gone,

and she couldn't
see you do it, at least.

Gary, I cried.

Then my archnemesis hugged me.
Hugged me.

Meanwhile, at stately Wayne
Manor, my husband is home alone,

wondering if our partnership
is completely over.

A-And it just might be.

Well, when you put it that way.

- You done back there?
- Yep, and here it is...

your past,
that smells like L.A. looks.

I never got over the wet look.
Guilty.

Oh, I've got something else
for you.

- What's this?
- I lifted her wallet.

Little Miss Fancy
got herself arched.

You are a baller!

With perspicacious design

and calamitous intent,

do you hereby resign
your individual animus

and accept the collective odium
of the Guild Council?

I do, and I look forward
to hating with all of you.

Yeah, sure, man.
We're ready!

Oh, dear, yes.
Very much so.

With no reservations, I accept.

I regretfully decline.

I still got a lot
of unresolved grudges.

And let's face it.
All this?

This ain't me.

Of course. The Council
understands your position.

Would you consider something
like a diplomatic appointment?

I ain't going nowhere,
Madam Councilwoman.

- We'll talk.
- Councilman Limb?

It is my honor
to become a full member

of this most worthy Council.

I would like
to add that, last night,

I was mighty in my victory.

Like an inch mightier.
Seriously.

This Council has my loyalty,

and I swear I shall defend
its honor with my life.

And what say you,
Dr. Mrs. The Monarch?

Uh, I...

I-I

Uh, I...

Madam Councilman?

Gross.