The Venture Bros. (2003–…): Season 7, Episode 7 - The Unicorn in Captivity - full transcript

Gentlemen,
we are about to embark.

Come on!

I wanted to say something
all profound for posterity.

Save it, "Hobbit" Oppenheimer.

We don't even know
if it worked this time.

Well?

Seems like a apple.

Take a bite.

Uh, y-you.

I'm gonna run diagnostics,

make sure the genetic sequence
isn't compromised.



Yeah, make sure
there aren't any,

you know,
fly parts it in.

Seriously, double
and triple fly-check.

Diagnostics look clean.

- Hmm.
- Well?

It tastes like success!

Yes!

So who's gonna volunteer
to be our first human subject?

Whoa, what? Yeah, look, no way.
You're crazy.

We're nowhere near ready
for human testing.

White, go find Hank.
He'd do it for the free apple.

Doc, no!

This is literally the first
apple we haven't massacred.

We need to study it,
repeat the experiment,



analyze and reanalyze
all the data

and then, maybe, in a couple
of months, move up to mice.

Ahoy, chairmen!

If'n you're done fiddling

with your fancy
food processor,

we need your signature
on these here...

Aah!

Not ready
for human testing.

Congratulations, Captain!

You've just made
super science history!

Now, right this way, Captain.
Billy's just gonna...

He's done it!

Repeat, Venture has done it!
We are go for extraction.

Huh?
What the...

Mayday! Mayday!
I've been spotted.

Initiating evasive...

No! No way!
Absolutely...

I am not joining
some dumb team.

You're not joining a team.

You're just filling in
for one job.

I had to pull a lot of strings
to get you this gig.

Well, unpull them, then.
Push them back! Whatever!

I don't want it!

No, but you need it!

The Guild wants this thing
so bad,

they're offering
a full EMA level upgrade

if the heist is successful.

A heist? Sweet!
What's the score?

Classified, Gary.
I'm sorry.

It doesn't matter
because I'm not inter...

Don't you dare put that
empty milk carton back!

There's still some left!
It's a sip.

A sip? A sip?
Go get more milk.

Look, I'm just not
a team player, okay, honey?

The Monarch is
strictly a solo act!

Yes, I know, sweetness.

You're a precious unicorn,
beautiful and unique,

but can you at least just go
and meet with them

before you make up your mind,
please, for me?

Hi-o, guy-o!

Glad you could come
on such short notice.

Sashay on in here.
The meeting's started.

Well, hey, all.
Look at what the me dragged in.

Team, this here's Tiny Eagle's
replacement, the Mighty Monarch.

Mighty Monarch,
meet the team.

Dot Com,
hackstress extraordinaire.

Hey.

And to her lovely left
is Tunnel Vision,

our resident digger.

Hey there, chief.

That funny-looking fella
is called Presto Change-O.

Greetings!

And over here
you've got Ramburglar,

top-shelf smash-and-grab man.

'Sup?

Lastly, there's Driver X.

Ooh, he ain't much for words,

but his getaway driving's
poetry in motion.

Hey.

So, uh, I'm a little late
to this party, and my wi...

the councilwoman, uh,
was kind of hazy on the details.

Uh, what exactly is the job?

Oh, you're in for a treat,
june bug.

We're fixing to hit that there
Venture headquarters.

Listen, Doc,
I really need to talk to you

about this security breach.

Oh, pfft, later.

I want to get right to work
on my press release.

I mean,
this is it, Brock.

Telepor-freaking-tation.

Can you believe it?

Oh, this is
the kind of game-changer

I've been working for
my entire life.

Yeah, uh, got to make
a quick stop.

Huh, didn't know we had tenants
on this floor.

Or even this floor.

Welcome back, Mr. Samson.

Ohh.
Who's your little friend?

You want to meet her?

Heya, sexy.
A little later. What do you say?

Hmm? Yeah.

Well
Mm...

And now my erection
is completely gone, thank you.

What is all this?

Doc, it's, uh...
Uh, it's time we had the talk.

Now, at 21:00 sharp,

Tunnel V. will move
into position underground,

snug as a bug
next to ol' Doc Venture's lab.

With the subway as cover,

I can tunnel through
the foundation over there,

and no one will
even hear a peep.

At 21:20, I reach
the Ven-Tech ventilation access.

Oh!
That's where I come in!

The vents are laser-shielded
and too small

for any old dum-dum,

so I just presto change-o
into a snake

and slither into the lab.

Presto plugs
this transmitter

into Venture's
security mainframe,

and voilà,
his whole system is my bitch.

Once Dot shuts off the alarms
and opens the doors,

I grab the goods,
load them into Presto.

After I presto change-o
into a human hand truck,

Ooh! A man truck.

We haul them out
the loading dock, south exit.

Where Driver X will be waiting
to whisk y'all

to the safe house
for champagne and revelry.

Questions?

New guy.
How'd I guess?

Yeah, uh, where am I
while all this is happening?

Oh, you're our eyes in the sky,
pretty bird.

Aerial reconnaissance.

You'll be making a big old
loop-de-loop all around

that there Ven-Tech.

- So I'm a lookout?
- Now he gets it.

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Wait a minute!

If anyone should be taking lead
on this thing,

it's the Mighty Monarch.

I've got decades
of hot skinny on Venture.

I know how he thinks,
how he takes his coffee.

I... I can tell you
his Sleep Number!

Sure.
That sounds super useful.

It's 25!
He's soft.

I say we scrap this whole plan
and start from the top.

You don't arch a Venture

by sneaking around
in his crawl space.

You hit him high,
and you hit him hard!

Copycat, you have, like,
a Copy-copter

for the initial aerial assault?

Told you we should've
just bought a drone.

Looky here now, songbird.

I'm the leader
of this here band,

and I say we ain't changing
the set list

an hour before showtime.

An hour before...
Wait. What?!

Oh, yes, sir.

Curtain goes up at 21:00 sharp,
tonightsville.

So you've licked
teleportation, huh?

Well, give yourself
a fat pat on the back.

That's what we
in the supersecret biz

call a game-changer.

Right?
I was just telling Brock...

- That's why you have to kill it.
- What?

Decommission it.
Scrap it for parts.

Torch all your files and never,
ever speak of it again.

Uh, why would I do that?

Okay, let's say
you grace the world

with this technological
brain fart of yours.

Have you given any thought
to what happens next?

Pfft, you mean after
they slap a Nobel on me?

I retire to Spanakopita
on a pile of money and women.

What happens to FedEx
when grandma could just zap

her famous fruitcake
to her kiddies in Kalamazoo?

How about the auto industry,
the airlines, big oil?!

Global economy would go ass
over teakettle, that's what.

Some extremely powerful people
ain't gonna like that,

and they're gonna
come a-gunning for you.

Isn't it kind of your job
to protect me?

We kind of are, Doc.
From yourself.

Shut it down
and hand it over,

or we'll shut it down
and get real handsy about it.

Ugh, this is crazy.
It's a free country.

Mm-hmm.
Is it, now?

What, are you gonna
torture me now?

Brock, what the "F"?

- It ain't like that, Doc.
- More like group therapy.

But wait a minute!
Where are you going, Brock?!

What's gonna happen to me?

Hello? Brock?

Judas!

Greetings, Dr. Venture.

We've been watching you
for some time.

And you are...?

Oh, we've gone by many names
throughout the centuries.

- The Knights Templar.
- The Illuminati.

The Rothschild/Bilderberg
Super Sentinels.

We... Well, we kind of
secretly control the world.

Until now we've been happy
to remain in shadows

insomuch as your business
has not interfered with ours,

but this teleporter of yours,
it's really a game-changer.

What is this,
some kind of threat?

No, Dr. Venture,
an invitation.

As we said,
we've been watching you,

and we think you have what
it takes to become one of us.

Think of it...
power beyond your imagining,

untold riches,
your every desire fulfilled.

And all you need do is give up
one little invention.

Ugh.

You don't have to
make your mind up now.

As it happens, we're convening
in secret this very night,

and we'd very much like
to meet you...

in the flesh, as it were.

Come.
See what we can offer you.

Then decide.

Otra vez.

Come on.
Más fuerte.

Mucho mejor.
Tiempo fuera, Manolo.

Hey. How's your
super-heist meeting?

Super fucked! This heist
is going down tonight.

Tonight? I thought it was
just a meet-and-greet.

So did I!
Like a get-to-know-ya.

- A go-see.
- Exactly!

No, it's all happening
like now,

and I'm supposed
to fly and shit,

and I don't have my wings!

Check your back, dude.

No, smartass,
these are my cape wings.

They're for showing,
not for going.

I need the good wings,
the Glengarry wings.

They're in the, uh,
basement, cave, whatever.

- Find them!
- All right, all right! Hold on.

Aerial reconnaissance.

Dicks.

Yeah, Copycat's place
is pretty rad, though.

It's got these fancy
guest soaps that smell like

an Italian gigolo
smoking a grapefruit cigarette.

Hey, bug boy!

What, you curling
your eyebrows in there?

Giddyap!

Just a minute!

- Okay, I found them.
- Great.

Now get them over here fast.

And make up a good cover story,
will you?

These people already look at me
like I'm a Johnny Stupid.

Just a little further, Doc.

Oh, did you say something?

Because I don't speak
to traitors.

It's for your own good.

Oh, sure!
That's what the Nazis said!

No, they didn't.

Well, I... I thought you
were about to say

you were only
following orders.

All right.
You can take it off now.

Get a load of this guy.

I don't know if you should
trust him with your car.

I'm not.

Huh. So hard finding
good help these days.

Uh...

Your hosts
are all waiting inside.

- May I take your coat, sir?
- What?

Oh, uh, sure.
Uh, thanks.

Oh.

I think I'm overdressed.

All right, team. This ain't
no dress rehearsal now.

Curtain's fixing to go up.
Y'all on your marks?

We've, uh,
reached the entry point there.

We're, uh, ready to drill
on Dot's signal.

I'm all set up out here.

All systems online
and ready to go.

Sergeant Sloppy is about
to start his nightly rounds,

and I've got a northbound
"A" train approaching

in five, four, three, two...

Okay, go.

You've got 60 seconds.

Swell, swell.
Right on schedule.

Hey, Mighty Monarch,
how we looking topside?

Uh, everything looks great
from up here,

where I am currently flying.

Oh. Hmm.

You don't see that every day.

Oh, hi!

Are, uh...
Are you one of the guys

I spoke to earlier
on the, uh...

Ah.

- Thinking of joining?
- Hmm?

I haven't
made up my mind yet.

Ohh! You mean joining
the, uh orgy?

Perhaps a bit
of liquid courage?

Ah!
Capital idea, Jeeves.

Oh, uh, is it an open bar?

But of course, sir.

Ah! Swell.

Don't suppose you know how to
make a Red Mocho Kooler, do you?

Whatever you desire.

Oh!
These are amazing.

Yes.

The orphan sashimi
is positively decadent.

I'm sorry?
Orphan...

Sashimi.
Extra virgin, of course.

Our chef insists on only
the very cleanest orphans.

Bah, ugh!

Ooh, swell party, hmm?

Having a good time?

Well, apparently,
I just ate part of a small child

and then washed it down
with penis, so...

Hey, if that's
what you're into.

What? No!
Actually, I'm a little lost.

Are you a member
of this, uh...

Pseudo-religious
capitalist crony club?

God, no.

Just an anonymous
working girl

here to service
the masters of the universe.

Oh. Ohh.

This gig was a lot easier
before they inducted the guy

who invented Viagra,
I'll tell you.

That's him over there next
to big oil and big tobacco.

They're the ones
double-teaming Patty.

Uh, do I know you?

No.
You don't want to do that here.

Uh, then perhaps we should
go somewhere more private.

May I borrow her?

Meet me by the tapestries
in 20 minutes.

Presto change-o, I'm in!

Good!

Find the mainframe and get
that transmitter plugged in.

Ooh!
Someone's coming!

It's Samson!
What do I do?

Dude, what?!
He's not supposed to be here!

Oh, good Lord.
This ain't good.

Ah, that's it.
Let me at him.

Hold your position, Ramburglar.

You bust in before
I've hacked the system,

you'll trigger
a total lockdown.

Monarch, plan B.

Plan B?
What... What plan B?

God, did you pay, like,
no attention at the meeting?

Proceed to
the Venture penthouse

and create a diversion

to draw Samson away
from the lab stat!

- Okay!
- Uh! I'm here, I'm here.

- Subway took forever.
- Oh, thank God!

- You got my wings, Mr. Late?
- Yeah, yeah, here.

Dude, can I use
Copycat's bathroom?

Yeah, whatever. Wait.
What... What the fuck is this?

It's your wings. That was
gonna be my cover story.

Your cover story is
I shit myself?

Hey, you make a lie
embarrassing enough,

and nobody questions it.

Eh, all right.

Samson's going
for the teleporters.

We ain't got time for this
flying fuck-up to make his move.

I've got an idea.

H.E.L.P.eR.
Heya, buddy.

I didn't see you...
Ah, geez, did Doc paint you?

Nice work, Presto.
I'm in.

- H.E.L.P.eR.?
- Uh...

Dot, do something!

Oh, good Lord.

Dottie, what in the "H"
did you do?

I'm not doing that!

It's some kind of
emergency evac or something!

I can't stop it.

Aha! I got one!

Good for you, toy man.
Now you're gonna get dead.

- Who needs a refill?
- Yeah!

Rejiggered that
old emergency evac

to send the goods
exactly where we want them.

Swell hacking, Mac.

Our little old decoy team

must be in a whole heap
of hot water.

That was the plan, my man.

Not a good time!

Dude, dude, you got to abort!
Abort!

Copycat has got
another heist team!

You're being set up!
You're decoys!

You're

You're breaking up.
Wait! What? Aah!

Oh! Ah!

Owie.

Enh! Aah!

Ow!

What? No way.

"The Unicorn is in Captivity
and No Longer Dead,"

Late 15th century.

A truly exquisite piece.

And such an apt metaphor.

Because, let me guess,
I'm the unicorn,

and now I'm your prisoner.

No, you're looking
at it all wrong.

Look at that little unicorn,
the beatific smile.

He's happy now.

He gets to live
in a beautiful garden.

Yeah, in a cage.

A protective barrier.

No one's hunting him anymore,

nor can he hurt anyone
with that horn of his.

Yeah, well,
if it's all the same to you,

this little unicorn

would rather take his chances
in the wilderness

with his sweet-ass teleporter.

Oh, I'm afraid that's not

one of your options,
Dr. Venture.

No doubt you've read
"The Lady or the Tiger"?

Well, not word for word, but...

Behind door number one,
the lady.

I believe you two
have already met.

Give up your teleporter
and join us,

and she's all yours,

as is anything else
you could ever desire.

Behind door number two,
meet Tiger.

Tiger has desires, too.

Wha... What?

Please tell me
this is another metaphor.

Cold, hard truth,
Dr. Venture.

In this world,
it's fuck or be fucked.

So which will it be?

Just go, Rambo.
We got one of them.

No, job was for both.

You're gonna drill
this boy's knees

till he tells us
where the other one went.

Oh, you are good, Monarch.

Aah!

Oh, dang, I'm hit!

Aah! Uh, uh!

- Oh, God.
- Oh, he's coming to! Grab it!

I... How?!

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Ahhh.
Amateurs.

I need backup.

Hostiles have taken the package,
and I'm in pursuit.

Come on out of there
right now, Monarch,

and I promise
I'll only wound you.

Just come out of there!

There really is no way out!

Copycat 3 to Copycat Prime,
the package is secure.

Aah!

How in the...?
This is just bananagans!

Listen, you guys don't know me,
but you got to trust me.

You guys...
What the fuck?!

- Dude, who the hell are you?
- I'm... I'm with the Monarch!

You guys
got to get out of here!

This whole thing
is a setup!

- What did you do to Driver X?
- What? I didn't...

There wasn't even
a guy in there.

Start...
Start the truck, Chief.

Samson is right on our tails.
I think

Aah! Aaaah!

You're Driver X now, fatty.

Take this!
I'll slow him down!

Presto change-o!

Oh, stop!

Stupid!

Aaah!

Whoa! W-T-F?!

Aaaaah!

Geez!

Copycat 3 to Copycat Base,

got a big old mayday
on my hands here.

Holy mackerel, the engine
is shot, literal like.

Abort-a-rooney time.

Well, now doesn't that
just put a turd in your soup?

Come on!

Aah!

Aaah!

- 'Sup?
- Hey.

Move, move,
move, move, move, move!

Ah!

You were right!

Oh, this is the best decision
I ever made.

I'm the king of the world!

Ahh.

Get a nerd laid,

and they think
they're masters of the universe.

Ooh!