The Venture Bros. (2003–…): Season 3, Episode 4 - Home Is Where the Hate Is - full transcript
Dr. Venture receives an unorthodox introduction to his new Guild-assigned nemesis
QUIZBOY: All right, come on.
Come--
Damn it, White! How many times
do I have to tell you about refilling the roll?
Huh'?
[ Grunts ]
I can-- Am I too short? I can't reach it.
Oh, god!
[Whirring ]
And welcome...
[ Barking ]
You are not...
superhuman.
Whi--
White, White, White!
White, get in here!
Billy, I don't care how big it is...
I don't want to see
what you made in there.
White, I just remembered something.
- What?
- Everything.
It all came flooding back to me
like a tidal wave...
things that happened years ago.
I fell off the toilet, and suddenly
my hand started doing this weird st--
Wait a minute.
You! You were there, too!
Hello, Goldilocks?
This is Casper.
Little Nemo has fallen out of bed.
[ Up-tempo music plays]
Hello, and welcome to "Quizboys"!
[Cheers and applause]
I'm your host, the ever-popular Pete White.
Let's jump right in and meet
today's contestants, shall we'?
He's our reigning champion, who's won
over $40,000 in cash and prizes so far.
- Say hello to Master Billy Whalen.
- Hi, Mr. White.
So, what are you gonna
do with all that money, Billy?
Well, I'm hoping
to save it for college tuition.
Any idea where you want to go yet?
Yes, sir!
M.l.T.
I'm gonna be a superscientist
when I grow up...
just like my hero,
Rusty Venture.
PETE: Well, that's quite...
Barkeep!
Another Suffering Bastard.
Whoa!
[ Communicator beeps ]
Yello?
WOMAN: There you are.
How could you just leave like that...
without telling me where
you were going?
Look, you're not my mother.
You're my bodyguard.
How can I guard your body
if I can't be close to your body?
Good god.
Barkeep, where's that Suffering Bastard?!
- I'm looking at him.
- Oh, ha ha ha.
PETE: OK, contestants, pens down.
Time's up.
The question was, "Who was
the last king of the Plantagenet dynasty?"
Todd, your answer.
Richard III.
That's correct.
OK, Billy, you get this answer right...
you'll remain "Quizboys"
champion and return next week.
For all the marbles...
what's your answer?
That's right!
You win!
You're still...
Hey, he cheated!
That's not what he wrote!
Now, Todd, let's not be a sore loser.
I'm not!
That isn't what he wrote!
He's a cheater!
Cheater!
Cheater!
[Audience booing ]
Cheater.
Todd's the little cheater, I'll tell you that.
How's he gonna know what you wrote
if he wasn't peeking at your answers?
I'm done!
My life is over!
I'll never quiz again!
Forget M.l.T. now.
Aah!
I never asked for the answers.
I didn't want to cheat.
You did this to me.
Hey, hey. Let's not make me out
to be the bad guy here, huh?
- Us freaks have to stick together.
- Us freaks?
Yeah, like, fun.
A handsome TV guy like you...
you'll probably end up
with a talk show out of this.
No, Billy.
You see...
I'm a freak, too.
Well, some of us can't make
our heads smaller with makeup, OK?
Look, you said Rusty Venture
was your hero, right?
And how'?
Well, I happen to be
very good friends with him.
I am, and he told me that he's about
to start a huge new project.
And he needs a new head scientist
and a new lab assistant.
But-- but-- but
what about my schooling?
Experience is the best
teacher, Billy.
This is better than going
to 10 M.l.T.s.
The invisible hand of fate has
pushed us to this point, Billy.
Our destiny lies with Dr. Rusty Venture.
- You think he would have me?
- I told you I got an in.
We just need to get out to his lab,
and I'll take care of the rest.
Now, you got all that prize
money, right?
No, I don't.
The F.C.C. froze my assets.
Yeah, and I pissed away
most of my savings on blow...
but I've got a brand-new set of wheels,
and I think I just might know...
how we can earn
some gas money along the way.
[Tires squeal ]
IO.S.l. ♪
♪ ...little guy ♪
IO.S.l. ♪
♪ We'll tear a new hole in the sky ♪
♪ When it's time to start the war ♪
♪ You'll hear our mighty engines roar ♪
♪ A super army of super spies ♪
♪ Look out, kids
Look out, guy ♪
IO.S.l. ♪
♪ ...we'll make the children cry ♪
IO.S.l. ♪
♪ Here we come,
look up in the sky ♪
IO.S.l. ♪
♪ Mass destruction, bombs away ♪
[ Laughter and conversation ]
Well, well, well, well, well.
If it isn't Mr. McGee and
his little friend the Hulk.
Didn't notice you ladies
out there in the battlefield, as usual.
That's because we're doing
real spy work, Shore Leave.
Oh, that's right, I forgot.
You're too busy chasing some
phantom costume terrorist organization...
to help us fight
the real enemies of freedom--
Sphinx.
ALL: Yo S.l.!
We'll prove the Guild is still around,
and we'll take them down without you.
- Just you wait!
- I won't hold my breath.
Let's hit the showers, fellas!
Whoo!
ALL: Yo S.l.! Yo S.l.! Yo S.l.!
Oh, Hunter,
Wayland Flowers called.
He wants his madame back.
Boom!
Oh, yeah?
Well, the Village People called...
and they want you to go fucking
kill yourselves, you pansy bastards!
Place has gone to hell in a ham sandwich
since they eighty-sixed the dress code.
Those fellas razzing you?
You want me to say something to them?
- No, we got it covered, Red.
- Ha ha.
Adios, muchachos.
Oh, you hear they're
gonna ban smoking in here soon?
Hmm, let the swines try it.
Colonel Gathers, this just came in
over the telex for you guys.
We got one.
I've only heard about these.
I didn't know they were real.
Oh, this is as real as it gets, Billy.
No lightning rounds, no bonus
questions, no mercy.
You're going down, Whalen.
Don't even think about pulling
any of that cheating crap in here.
Yeah. Yeah, you know what they do
if they catch you cheating, don't you?
They take one of your hands--
your buzzer hand.
W-White-- White,
I can't do this.
Oh, yes, you can, fella.
I've seen a lot of quiz boys come and go,
and you are by far the best I've ever seen.
You were put on this Earth
for one purpose, Billy, to quiz.
Now, I robbed you of that
purpose once, and I'm sorry.
Will you let me make it up to you?
ANNOUNCER: Stage moms,
clear the arena.
Ladies and gentlemen,
quiz boys and girls...
Welcome to the quiz doom.
"Jeopardy!" rules apply--
answers in the form of a question.
You have five seconds after buzzing.
Winner take all.
And first question:
in 1215...
[ Buzzer]
Billy Whalen.
- What is the Magna Carta?
- Correct!
[Cheers and applause]
[ Buzzer]
[ Buzzer]
[ Engine roars]
[Cash register dings]
Cows on my side.
That's 6-2, me.
Monster!
I'll catch you yet.
Show yourselves, you cowards!
This is a farm belt.
Let's see some action on this side!
- Cows on my side.
- Unconscionable bastards.
Oh! Oh! Cemetery!
You lose all your cows.
Damn it, this side's cursed.
Your turn to drive, you lurid golem.
This is it, Billy.
Our new life is calling.
Mr. White, how can I ever begin to repay
you for-- what-- what's going on?
...touch me, don't touch me,
don't touch me!
Ya-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na!
Aah!
Aah!
It's OK, H.E.L.P.eR.
She's gone now.
- What's goin' on, Rust?
- What the hell are you doing here?
"All staffed up.
"Try back in a few months.
"Never much good at science any--"
Who does he think he is?
My life is over.
I have no prospects.
And my boyhood hero
is a total dick.
All right, just don't you worry, fella.
The pink pilgrim's gotten you this far.
I'm not gonna leave you hanging
when the chips are down.
In fact, I've already lined up another quiz.
This doesn't look
like the usual quiz crowd.
Yeah, well, I guess
we're close to the border...
but the game's still the same.
You get in there and work
the old magic, huh?
Listos, a pelear!
[ Growling, barking ]
Aah!
I didn't know, Billy, I swear.
QUIZBOY: I'm finished with this, finished.
Just give me my 40% and let me off.
Uh, there is no money.
L-I bet our whole wad, and, well,
let's be honest here, Billy, you did lose.
I was disqualified
because you jumped in the ring.
To get your hand.
Stop the moped.
Stop this thing right now.
Billy, there's coyotes out here.
You want to lose your other hand?
It would be safer than spending
one more minute with you.
You brought me nothing but
trouble since I met you.
I never want to see you again.
[ Engine revs]
Oh, by the way,
I talked to the other quiz boys.
Managers get 15%!
[ Engine turns over]
Son, you look like you could
use a hand.
DR. VENTURE: Yello?
Rust, it's White.
Let me in, I--
DR. VENTURE: Venture residence.
Hey, Rust, let me in.
I need to see Bro--
DR. VENTURE:
Whom shall I say is calling?
Come on, Rust, don't be a dick.
DR. VENTURE: [Laughing]
[ Sighs 1
COMPUTER: Please do not be alarmed.
We are about to engage...
the nozzle.
Please do not move while
the nozzle is engaging.
Moving will disrupt calibration of...
the nozzle.
Please wait while we calibrate...
the nozzle.
Please do not look away from...
the nozzle.
The nozzle is now calibrating.
The nozzle is still calibrating.
The nozzle has completed calibration.
Thank you.
There's our pink-cheeked
junior G-man.
What was that thing?
I have no idea.
Standard, uh...
How do you like your new body buddies?
Amazing. You-- you totally fixed
everything, but I-I'm still a little confused.
I mean, why me?
You fit the profile.
Deformed, disgraced.
An extra-intelligent superfreak
shunned by an unforgiving world.
Yeah, that sounds like a profile
for, like, suicide.
Or an international supervillain.
We've been investigating
a university professor...
we believe is secretly a major recruiter...
for a global underground
crime syndicate.
Drumroll.
The Guild of Calamitous Intent.
From the old Rusty Venture TV show?
[Groans]
You see? You see?!
Well, that's just a dramatiz-iz-iza--
Dramatization.
Yeah, the real Guild is still out there
operating in secret-- we think.
And this professor is the key.
Check out his cuff links.
So-- so, you, what, you want me
to assassinate this guy or something?
No. We want you to ace his class.
Congratulations, lad.
You're now a fully matriculated
student of State University.
Oh. I-l kind
of wanted to go to M.l.T.
And I wanted to be born
with big, beautiful tits!
Make some lemonade with this, will ya?
Ah, young Mr. Whalen.
Do find a seat quickly, Quizboy.
I was starting to teach your
more punctual peers.
Sorry, Professor Fantomos.
I had trouble finding the building.
Yes, yes.
It's a great big, new world for you.
And, Mr. Quizboy, I heard you
were recently exonerated...
but allow me to impress one
thing upon you--
we do not tolerate
cheating at State University.
The punishment is severe.
Professor Fantomos,
you're needed in the office.
Ah, well, if you'll excuse me, class.
Stevie, would you please take
over the lecture for me?
Kessler's, chapter four.
And, students, I expect those
papers on my desk...
at the start of the next class.
OK, guys. uh, page 72.
Urn, we're learning...
♪ Suddenly,
I'm not so different ♪
♪ Suddenly,
I'm not so all alone ♪
♪ Suddenly, I'm-- ♪
Hmm, wonder if it's the same Stevie.
Oh! Ge--
HUNTER: Get a hold of yourself
and stop hyperventilating!
This is a small car god damn it.
Just keep your cool
and don't blow the mission.
We're getting excellent intel out of you.
What intel?
I've-- I've been here for a day.
I haven't done any spying yet.
Sure, you have.
That new eye of yours--
actually a 3-D laser matrix
holographic camera.
And this little pud puller
stores all the data.
What?
You guys wired me?
Are you kidding?
You're a walking wire, and right now...
you need to walk back in there
and do your god-given duty.
There are no free hands
in this business, son.
Ehm--
I'm sorry, Sheila...
but if I extend the deadline
for one student...
I'd have to extend it
for all of them.
Well, thank you, anyway,
Professor Fantomos.
Mr. Whalen, thank you for coming.
Professor Fantomos,
if this is about my paper, I'm really sorry.
We'll get to that, but first I wanted
to see how you were holding up...
and extend my deepest
condolences about Stevie.
Oh, I'm the one who should be sorry.
I understand he was your lab
assistant for some time?
Yes, he was
quite a clever boy--
regrettable, which brings us
to the other reason I asked you here.
My paper.
You see--
I'll be needing a new lab assistant,
and I'd like him to be you.
Me? Oh-- oh-- oh,
I-l don't think I'm ready.
Nonsense! I read your paper.
It was brilliant, perfect.
Frankly, I think my class
may be beneath you.
And this ingenious contraption
you've built--
based on a Mike Sariamo design,
is it not?
He was a student of mine, you know.
Ah, the brightest mind I've ever
taught-- until now.
There's something you should
know, William.
Like you, I was born...
different.
Yes, my family rejected me...
the last son in a long line
of costumed adventurers.
Clearly, I couldn't take
on the mantle of my forebears...
with this body, so I instead
turned to science.
What nature, in her caprice,
left unfinished...
science had the power
to make whole again.
And now that I've acquired this,
my work here is nearly complete.
You see, I've recently become
the beneficiary...
of a rather generous grant from the Guild...
of collegiate investors.
Oh, I-|-- what?
Oh.
Well, OK, well, I'd love to help you,
professor...
but I don't know if I can handle
the extra work.
Nonsense!
The university bylaws clearly
stipulate that the roommate...
of a suicide is automatically
granted a 4.0 for the semester.
You've got a free ride...
Mr. Whalen, that I might have
you all to myself.
The invisible hand of fate
has brought us together, Quizboy.
We freaks-- if you'll pardon
the crude vernacular...
must work in tandem.
I don't think he's your guy.
Of course he is.
All the intel points to it, damn it.
Again with the intel.
You saw what he said.
He's not in the Guild of Calamitous Intent.
It's like a businessman's club
or something.
That's what they said about
the Bilderberg group, son...
and then whammo!
Berlin Wall comes tumbling down.
- No, it hasn't.
- Oh, it will, kiddo.
It was decided at the last meeting.
Billy, you got to do
the lab-assistant gig.
- You're our only hope now.
- What do you mean, "now"?
Well, look, I didn't
want to tell you this...
but Stevie was our other
man on the inside.
Code name-- Pussyface.
Is that why he killed himself?
Open your eyes, kid.
Your real one.
Fantomos killed him because
he was getting too close-- we think.
And you expect me to take his place?
No way, José!
Relax, he's not gonna kill you.
How can you be so sure?
Because he's crazy about you.
He loved your paper.
I never wrote my paper.
I spent the night explaining the dead Stevie
in the closet to the campus police.
That's why we wrote it for you.
Well, Stephen Hawking did.
We called in a favor.
That's cheating.
Cheating is what the spy
business is all about, boy chick.
Why, if we don't keep our eyes
on our neighbor's paper...
the baddies get the bomb,
and the whole world goes kablooey.
You keep thinking you're here
on the G.l. bill or something, kid.
You are not here to write essays!
You're not even in college!
You are in the office of secret intelligence,
you damn, dirty, little crybaby freak!
' “Yaw.
' QM
Oh, watch the balls!
HUNTER: Get him!
Ah, there you are.
Come at once.
The reactor's all fired up and ready.
I need you to monitor the experiment.
Wait, I don't think
I'm qualified to do that.
L-I cheated.
Don't you think
I know that, William?
- You do?
- Of course.
You did what any of us
who were born different...
need to do to get
a leg up on everyone else...
particularly when we're born
without proper ones.
And what of it?
Those quiz-show simpletons have
no right to keep a genius...
from his dreams over petty money.
Quiz show?
No, that's not what I was--
Could you be a dear and get that for me?
Oh, sure, Professor.
What are you doing?
Being born again,
my little friend.
These mechanical husks
are more than mere prosthetics.
They're muscle-growth accelerators...
incubators for my
glorious new normal limbs.
You're gonna grow new arms and legs?
Precisely, my prodigiously
perspicacious protégé.
Only the tremendous power
I require to do so...
was always beyond my grasp.
That is, until the Guild provided
the atomic get-up-and-go.
Now, fire it up, my boy.
[ Laughs]
It's-- it's working.
I feel it.
Unspeakable power courses through
my every fibrous sinew.
I feel as if I could take over the world!
More power!
Yes!
They're becoming more than normal--
better, stronger...
dare I say superhuman?
More power, William!
[ Electricity crackles ]
[ Groans ]
Something's amiss.
Check the core wall
displacement sequencer.
I-I-I don't know what that is.
Of course you do.
You wrote a paper on it.
No, Professor Fantomos, I didn't.
I didn't write it.
I cheated!
Oh, bother.
Ohh!
Aah!
Aaahh!
Aaaahhh!
He died for my sin.
BROCK: Billy, don't worry, we're here!
Bad news.
SGT. HAINE: The most asinine...
slop-happiest piece of espionage
I've ever seen!
Look at me when
I'm talking to you, Samson!
Don't you want to wait
till Hunter gets here?
You're gonna strain your voice
yelling twice.
Colonel Gathers has been
transferred to Guam...
effective 0700 this morning.
Your windmill-chasing days
are over, Sancho Panza.
You got a new assignment.
Aw, come on.
This is rookie stuff.
- Dismissed, Samson!
- What about the kid?
What, do you want to adopt him?!
I said take it on the arches.
Psi-Ops needs guinea pigs
for their memory-wipe project, OK?
So, unlike you, he still works here.
[ Slow guitar music starts ]
[ Music ends ]
PETE: Billy?
Billy, you OK, fella?
White.
Brock.
Dr. Venture, where--
It's OK, Pally.
You just took a little fall is all.
You're safe now.
Oh, I was having
the weirdest--
you sons of bitches!
PETE: Come on!
Oh, hey, hey!
Whoa!
Whoa! Easy!
Come--
Damn it, White! How many times
do I have to tell you about refilling the roll?
Huh'?
[ Grunts ]
I can-- Am I too short? I can't reach it.
Oh, god!
[Whirring ]
And welcome...
[ Barking ]
You are not...
superhuman.
Whi--
White, White, White!
White, get in here!
Billy, I don't care how big it is...
I don't want to see
what you made in there.
White, I just remembered something.
- What?
- Everything.
It all came flooding back to me
like a tidal wave...
things that happened years ago.
I fell off the toilet, and suddenly
my hand started doing this weird st--
Wait a minute.
You! You were there, too!
Hello, Goldilocks?
This is Casper.
Little Nemo has fallen out of bed.
[ Up-tempo music plays]
Hello, and welcome to "Quizboys"!
[Cheers and applause]
I'm your host, the ever-popular Pete White.
Let's jump right in and meet
today's contestants, shall we'?
He's our reigning champion, who's won
over $40,000 in cash and prizes so far.
- Say hello to Master Billy Whalen.
- Hi, Mr. White.
So, what are you gonna
do with all that money, Billy?
Well, I'm hoping
to save it for college tuition.
Any idea where you want to go yet?
Yes, sir!
M.l.T.
I'm gonna be a superscientist
when I grow up...
just like my hero,
Rusty Venture.
PETE: Well, that's quite...
Barkeep!
Another Suffering Bastard.
Whoa!
[ Communicator beeps ]
Yello?
WOMAN: There you are.
How could you just leave like that...
without telling me where
you were going?
Look, you're not my mother.
You're my bodyguard.
How can I guard your body
if I can't be close to your body?
Good god.
Barkeep, where's that Suffering Bastard?!
- I'm looking at him.
- Oh, ha ha ha.
PETE: OK, contestants, pens down.
Time's up.
The question was, "Who was
the last king of the Plantagenet dynasty?"
Todd, your answer.
Richard III.
That's correct.
OK, Billy, you get this answer right...
you'll remain "Quizboys"
champion and return next week.
For all the marbles...
what's your answer?
That's right!
You win!
You're still...
Hey, he cheated!
That's not what he wrote!
Now, Todd, let's not be a sore loser.
I'm not!
That isn't what he wrote!
He's a cheater!
Cheater!
Cheater!
[Audience booing ]
Cheater.
Todd's the little cheater, I'll tell you that.
How's he gonna know what you wrote
if he wasn't peeking at your answers?
I'm done!
My life is over!
I'll never quiz again!
Forget M.l.T. now.
Aah!
I never asked for the answers.
I didn't want to cheat.
You did this to me.
Hey, hey. Let's not make me out
to be the bad guy here, huh?
- Us freaks have to stick together.
- Us freaks?
Yeah, like, fun.
A handsome TV guy like you...
you'll probably end up
with a talk show out of this.
No, Billy.
You see...
I'm a freak, too.
Well, some of us can't make
our heads smaller with makeup, OK?
Look, you said Rusty Venture
was your hero, right?
And how'?
Well, I happen to be
very good friends with him.
I am, and he told me that he's about
to start a huge new project.
And he needs a new head scientist
and a new lab assistant.
But-- but-- but
what about my schooling?
Experience is the best
teacher, Billy.
This is better than going
to 10 M.l.T.s.
The invisible hand of fate has
pushed us to this point, Billy.
Our destiny lies with Dr. Rusty Venture.
- You think he would have me?
- I told you I got an in.
We just need to get out to his lab,
and I'll take care of the rest.
Now, you got all that prize
money, right?
No, I don't.
The F.C.C. froze my assets.
Yeah, and I pissed away
most of my savings on blow...
but I've got a brand-new set of wheels,
and I think I just might know...
how we can earn
some gas money along the way.
[Tires squeal ]
IO.S.l. ♪
♪ ...little guy ♪
IO.S.l. ♪
♪ We'll tear a new hole in the sky ♪
♪ When it's time to start the war ♪
♪ You'll hear our mighty engines roar ♪
♪ A super army of super spies ♪
♪ Look out, kids
Look out, guy ♪
IO.S.l. ♪
♪ ...we'll make the children cry ♪
IO.S.l. ♪
♪ Here we come,
look up in the sky ♪
IO.S.l. ♪
♪ Mass destruction, bombs away ♪
[ Laughter and conversation ]
Well, well, well, well, well.
If it isn't Mr. McGee and
his little friend the Hulk.
Didn't notice you ladies
out there in the battlefield, as usual.
That's because we're doing
real spy work, Shore Leave.
Oh, that's right, I forgot.
You're too busy chasing some
phantom costume terrorist organization...
to help us fight
the real enemies of freedom--
Sphinx.
ALL: Yo S.l.!
We'll prove the Guild is still around,
and we'll take them down without you.
- Just you wait!
- I won't hold my breath.
Let's hit the showers, fellas!
Whoo!
ALL: Yo S.l.! Yo S.l.! Yo S.l.!
Oh, Hunter,
Wayland Flowers called.
He wants his madame back.
Boom!
Oh, yeah?
Well, the Village People called...
and they want you to go fucking
kill yourselves, you pansy bastards!
Place has gone to hell in a ham sandwich
since they eighty-sixed the dress code.
Those fellas razzing you?
You want me to say something to them?
- No, we got it covered, Red.
- Ha ha.
Adios, muchachos.
Oh, you hear they're
gonna ban smoking in here soon?
Hmm, let the swines try it.
Colonel Gathers, this just came in
over the telex for you guys.
We got one.
I've only heard about these.
I didn't know they were real.
Oh, this is as real as it gets, Billy.
No lightning rounds, no bonus
questions, no mercy.
You're going down, Whalen.
Don't even think about pulling
any of that cheating crap in here.
Yeah. Yeah, you know what they do
if they catch you cheating, don't you?
They take one of your hands--
your buzzer hand.
W-White-- White,
I can't do this.
Oh, yes, you can, fella.
I've seen a lot of quiz boys come and go,
and you are by far the best I've ever seen.
You were put on this Earth
for one purpose, Billy, to quiz.
Now, I robbed you of that
purpose once, and I'm sorry.
Will you let me make it up to you?
ANNOUNCER: Stage moms,
clear the arena.
Ladies and gentlemen,
quiz boys and girls...
Welcome to the quiz doom.
"Jeopardy!" rules apply--
answers in the form of a question.
You have five seconds after buzzing.
Winner take all.
And first question:
in 1215...
[ Buzzer]
Billy Whalen.
- What is the Magna Carta?
- Correct!
[Cheers and applause]
[ Buzzer]
[ Buzzer]
[ Engine roars]
[Cash register dings]
Cows on my side.
That's 6-2, me.
Monster!
I'll catch you yet.
Show yourselves, you cowards!
This is a farm belt.
Let's see some action on this side!
- Cows on my side.
- Unconscionable bastards.
Oh! Oh! Cemetery!
You lose all your cows.
Damn it, this side's cursed.
Your turn to drive, you lurid golem.
This is it, Billy.
Our new life is calling.
Mr. White, how can I ever begin to repay
you for-- what-- what's going on?
...touch me, don't touch me,
don't touch me!
Ya-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na!
Aah!
Aah!
It's OK, H.E.L.P.eR.
She's gone now.
- What's goin' on, Rust?
- What the hell are you doing here?
"All staffed up.
"Try back in a few months.
"Never much good at science any--"
Who does he think he is?
My life is over.
I have no prospects.
And my boyhood hero
is a total dick.
All right, just don't you worry, fella.
The pink pilgrim's gotten you this far.
I'm not gonna leave you hanging
when the chips are down.
In fact, I've already lined up another quiz.
This doesn't look
like the usual quiz crowd.
Yeah, well, I guess
we're close to the border...
but the game's still the same.
You get in there and work
the old magic, huh?
Listos, a pelear!
[ Growling, barking ]
Aah!
I didn't know, Billy, I swear.
QUIZBOY: I'm finished with this, finished.
Just give me my 40% and let me off.
Uh, there is no money.
L-I bet our whole wad, and, well,
let's be honest here, Billy, you did lose.
I was disqualified
because you jumped in the ring.
To get your hand.
Stop the moped.
Stop this thing right now.
Billy, there's coyotes out here.
You want to lose your other hand?
It would be safer than spending
one more minute with you.
You brought me nothing but
trouble since I met you.
I never want to see you again.
[ Engine revs]
Oh, by the way,
I talked to the other quiz boys.
Managers get 15%!
[ Engine turns over]
Son, you look like you could
use a hand.
DR. VENTURE: Yello?
Rust, it's White.
Let me in, I--
DR. VENTURE: Venture residence.
Hey, Rust, let me in.
I need to see Bro--
DR. VENTURE:
Whom shall I say is calling?
Come on, Rust, don't be a dick.
DR. VENTURE: [Laughing]
[ Sighs 1
COMPUTER: Please do not be alarmed.
We are about to engage...
the nozzle.
Please do not move while
the nozzle is engaging.
Moving will disrupt calibration of...
the nozzle.
Please wait while we calibrate...
the nozzle.
Please do not look away from...
the nozzle.
The nozzle is now calibrating.
The nozzle is still calibrating.
The nozzle has completed calibration.
Thank you.
There's our pink-cheeked
junior G-man.
What was that thing?
I have no idea.
Standard, uh...
How do you like your new body buddies?
Amazing. You-- you totally fixed
everything, but I-I'm still a little confused.
I mean, why me?
You fit the profile.
Deformed, disgraced.
An extra-intelligent superfreak
shunned by an unforgiving world.
Yeah, that sounds like a profile
for, like, suicide.
Or an international supervillain.
We've been investigating
a university professor...
we believe is secretly a major recruiter...
for a global underground
crime syndicate.
Drumroll.
The Guild of Calamitous Intent.
From the old Rusty Venture TV show?
[Groans]
You see? You see?!
Well, that's just a dramatiz-iz-iza--
Dramatization.
Yeah, the real Guild is still out there
operating in secret-- we think.
And this professor is the key.
Check out his cuff links.
So-- so, you, what, you want me
to assassinate this guy or something?
No. We want you to ace his class.
Congratulations, lad.
You're now a fully matriculated
student of State University.
Oh. I-l kind
of wanted to go to M.l.T.
And I wanted to be born
with big, beautiful tits!
Make some lemonade with this, will ya?
Ah, young Mr. Whalen.
Do find a seat quickly, Quizboy.
I was starting to teach your
more punctual peers.
Sorry, Professor Fantomos.
I had trouble finding the building.
Yes, yes.
It's a great big, new world for you.
And, Mr. Quizboy, I heard you
were recently exonerated...
but allow me to impress one
thing upon you--
we do not tolerate
cheating at State University.
The punishment is severe.
Professor Fantomos,
you're needed in the office.
Ah, well, if you'll excuse me, class.
Stevie, would you please take
over the lecture for me?
Kessler's, chapter four.
And, students, I expect those
papers on my desk...
at the start of the next class.
OK, guys. uh, page 72.
Urn, we're learning...
♪ Suddenly,
I'm not so different ♪
♪ Suddenly,
I'm not so all alone ♪
♪ Suddenly, I'm-- ♪
Hmm, wonder if it's the same Stevie.
Oh! Ge--
HUNTER: Get a hold of yourself
and stop hyperventilating!
This is a small car god damn it.
Just keep your cool
and don't blow the mission.
We're getting excellent intel out of you.
What intel?
I've-- I've been here for a day.
I haven't done any spying yet.
Sure, you have.
That new eye of yours--
actually a 3-D laser matrix
holographic camera.
And this little pud puller
stores all the data.
What?
You guys wired me?
Are you kidding?
You're a walking wire, and right now...
you need to walk back in there
and do your god-given duty.
There are no free hands
in this business, son.
Ehm--
I'm sorry, Sheila...
but if I extend the deadline
for one student...
I'd have to extend it
for all of them.
Well, thank you, anyway,
Professor Fantomos.
Mr. Whalen, thank you for coming.
Professor Fantomos,
if this is about my paper, I'm really sorry.
We'll get to that, but first I wanted
to see how you were holding up...
and extend my deepest
condolences about Stevie.
Oh, I'm the one who should be sorry.
I understand he was your lab
assistant for some time?
Yes, he was
quite a clever boy--
regrettable, which brings us
to the other reason I asked you here.
My paper.
You see--
I'll be needing a new lab assistant,
and I'd like him to be you.
Me? Oh-- oh-- oh,
I-l don't think I'm ready.
Nonsense! I read your paper.
It was brilliant, perfect.
Frankly, I think my class
may be beneath you.
And this ingenious contraption
you've built--
based on a Mike Sariamo design,
is it not?
He was a student of mine, you know.
Ah, the brightest mind I've ever
taught-- until now.
There's something you should
know, William.
Like you, I was born...
different.
Yes, my family rejected me...
the last son in a long line
of costumed adventurers.
Clearly, I couldn't take
on the mantle of my forebears...
with this body, so I instead
turned to science.
What nature, in her caprice,
left unfinished...
science had the power
to make whole again.
And now that I've acquired this,
my work here is nearly complete.
You see, I've recently become
the beneficiary...
of a rather generous grant from the Guild...
of collegiate investors.
Oh, I-|-- what?
Oh.
Well, OK, well, I'd love to help you,
professor...
but I don't know if I can handle
the extra work.
Nonsense!
The university bylaws clearly
stipulate that the roommate...
of a suicide is automatically
granted a 4.0 for the semester.
You've got a free ride...
Mr. Whalen, that I might have
you all to myself.
The invisible hand of fate
has brought us together, Quizboy.
We freaks-- if you'll pardon
the crude vernacular...
must work in tandem.
I don't think he's your guy.
Of course he is.
All the intel points to it, damn it.
Again with the intel.
You saw what he said.
He's not in the Guild of Calamitous Intent.
It's like a businessman's club
or something.
That's what they said about
the Bilderberg group, son...
and then whammo!
Berlin Wall comes tumbling down.
- No, it hasn't.
- Oh, it will, kiddo.
It was decided at the last meeting.
Billy, you got to do
the lab-assistant gig.
- You're our only hope now.
- What do you mean, "now"?
Well, look, I didn't
want to tell you this...
but Stevie was our other
man on the inside.
Code name-- Pussyface.
Is that why he killed himself?
Open your eyes, kid.
Your real one.
Fantomos killed him because
he was getting too close-- we think.
And you expect me to take his place?
No way, José!
Relax, he's not gonna kill you.
How can you be so sure?
Because he's crazy about you.
He loved your paper.
I never wrote my paper.
I spent the night explaining the dead Stevie
in the closet to the campus police.
That's why we wrote it for you.
Well, Stephen Hawking did.
We called in a favor.
That's cheating.
Cheating is what the spy
business is all about, boy chick.
Why, if we don't keep our eyes
on our neighbor's paper...
the baddies get the bomb,
and the whole world goes kablooey.
You keep thinking you're here
on the G.l. bill or something, kid.
You are not here to write essays!
You're not even in college!
You are in the office of secret intelligence,
you damn, dirty, little crybaby freak!
' “Yaw.
' QM
Oh, watch the balls!
HUNTER: Get him!
Ah, there you are.
Come at once.
The reactor's all fired up and ready.
I need you to monitor the experiment.
Wait, I don't think
I'm qualified to do that.
L-I cheated.
Don't you think
I know that, William?
- You do?
- Of course.
You did what any of us
who were born different...
need to do to get
a leg up on everyone else...
particularly when we're born
without proper ones.
And what of it?
Those quiz-show simpletons have
no right to keep a genius...
from his dreams over petty money.
Quiz show?
No, that's not what I was--
Could you be a dear and get that for me?
Oh, sure, Professor.
What are you doing?
Being born again,
my little friend.
These mechanical husks
are more than mere prosthetics.
They're muscle-growth accelerators...
incubators for my
glorious new normal limbs.
You're gonna grow new arms and legs?
Precisely, my prodigiously
perspicacious protégé.
Only the tremendous power
I require to do so...
was always beyond my grasp.
That is, until the Guild provided
the atomic get-up-and-go.
Now, fire it up, my boy.
[ Laughs]
It's-- it's working.
I feel it.
Unspeakable power courses through
my every fibrous sinew.
I feel as if I could take over the world!
More power!
Yes!
They're becoming more than normal--
better, stronger...
dare I say superhuman?
More power, William!
[ Electricity crackles ]
[ Groans ]
Something's amiss.
Check the core wall
displacement sequencer.
I-I-I don't know what that is.
Of course you do.
You wrote a paper on it.
No, Professor Fantomos, I didn't.
I didn't write it.
I cheated!
Oh, bother.
Ohh!
Aah!
Aaahh!
Aaaahhh!
He died for my sin.
BROCK: Billy, don't worry, we're here!
Bad news.
SGT. HAINE: The most asinine...
slop-happiest piece of espionage
I've ever seen!
Look at me when
I'm talking to you, Samson!
Don't you want to wait
till Hunter gets here?
You're gonna strain your voice
yelling twice.
Colonel Gathers has been
transferred to Guam...
effective 0700 this morning.
Your windmill-chasing days
are over, Sancho Panza.
You got a new assignment.
Aw, come on.
This is rookie stuff.
- Dismissed, Samson!
- What about the kid?
What, do you want to adopt him?!
I said take it on the arches.
Psi-Ops needs guinea pigs
for their memory-wipe project, OK?
So, unlike you, he still works here.
[ Slow guitar music starts ]
[ Music ends ]
PETE: Billy?
Billy, you OK, fella?
White.
Brock.
Dr. Venture, where--
It's OK, Pally.
You just took a little fall is all.
You're safe now.
Oh, I was having
the weirdest--
you sons of bitches!
PETE: Come on!
Oh, hey, hey!
Whoa!
Whoa! Easy!