The Unicorn (2019–…): Season 1, Episode 6 - Three Men Out - full transcript

- Knock, knock.
- Hey, Delia.

Okay, girls. Ready to go in five.

Thank you so much for
lending us the sleeping bag.

Oh, sure. No problem.

That is so nice of Mei and her family

to invite the girls to the lake.

- Right?
- Yeah. So...

do you need any help with anything?

Like, I know this is your first time

packing the girls without Jill, so...

We're good. They actually
packed themselves.



- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.

Let's see now.

Oh, oh, okay. All right.

Grace has about six skirts,
four pants for two days

and no warm layers.

She also forgot sunscreen,
but, don't worry,

because she's pretty good
to go on body glitter.

- Body glitter could be used for sunscreen.
- Okay.

You, uh, tell yourself that.

And let's see,

Natalie's is full of cookies,

but she does have a bathing suit

and a Nintendo Switch.

Okay, girls, you're repacking!



What? Why?

All set?

- Yeah.
- I took out all the cookies,

so I hope you're happy
when I starve to death.

Don't tell Delia.

There's Mei's mom.

All right, girls, uh, I want
you to have a fun weekend,

and I'm gonna miss you.

It's only two nights.

And, I mean, you can call us anytime.

Okay.

Did you pack your desk lamp?

You made me bring a book.

- Is it too heavy?
- No, no, no. It's just awkward.

- You got this?
- Yeah, I got it.

- How am I on the right?
- Plenty of room on the left.

Just cut it, cut it, cut
it, cut it. Oh! That's...

That's less visible than it looks.

That's gonna buff right out.

- Your back okay?
- It's fine.

I just thought I heard a dad noise.

What you heard was a manly grunt.

Shut up, Wade.

- Not saying a word.
- So this is it, huh?

Your big weekend and you're
building beds for the kids?

Come on, man. Two nights, no kids.

You could do whatever you want.

You could walk around
this place with no pants.

But you're gonna spend the whole weekend

alone with the dogs, huh?

Actually, no.

For your information,

I went on MashNote and I
am going out with someone.

- Oh.
- Tonight.

- Ho, ho, empty house, hot date.
- Yeah.

All right.

- What's her name?
- Her name's Alicia.

Alicia.

- Just an average, ordinary name.
- Uh-huh, what's she do?

She edits an in-house magazine

for a company that imports coffee.

Ooh, "in-house magazine".

You, you know, uh, if
I'm telling you the truth,

I was ready to give up on dating online.

The dates are all the same.

Same kind of people,
same kind of places,

same kind of small talk, but,
uh, Alicia seems different.

Check this out, she picked

a very cool place for
our date, Frame-a-Frame.

You know the place where you can
design your own picture frames.

Sexy change of pace.

Uh-huh.

- Frame-a-Frame.
- Whoa, so sexy.

Uh, Alicia?

No, Julie.

You're not Carl, are you?

- I'm Carl.
- Oh.

- Oh.
- Yeah.

Hi.

I'm Alicia. Wade?

Yes, yes. Ah, so happy we
got that straightened out.

That was crazy.

Want to build a frame?

- Great, let's do it.
- Yeah.

Wait...

Is this a hat?

Oh, it's okay, I saw
someone do it on YouTube.

Hey, no running with the cat.

So, uh, Wade's kids are away.

He must be so lonely.

He ain't lonely right now.

He's actually out on a date.

Good for him.

But I got to say, I
don't miss dating at all.

Come on, baby, we used to have fun.

Remember how they used to
call me Captain Cristal?

I remember you used to
call you Captain Cristal.

Whatever, I was king of the club.

Yes, you were.

And now you're king of the dishwasher.

You don't think I still have it?

I still have it. The
captain is still alive

in here.

Oh, the school sent a
letter. Lice is back.

Good thing I washed my hat.

Friday nights ain't
what they used to be.

- So lice is back.
- Yeah, so I hear.

Oh, you know, uh, Wade's
got a hot date tonight.

Hot date, empty house.

- Those were the days.
- Oh, yeah.

But, I mean, this is way better, though.

- You know?
- Yeah.

- Dad. I lost my place.
- Yeah?

I'm so sorry, sweetie.

Now I got to start all over again.

Oh... good.

Storm approaching.

'Cause of the clouds. That's cute.

Seems we're not the first people

to think about meeting
here on their first date.

Oh, I'm sorry, is that bad?

No. No, no, no, it's-it's fine.

So, um, what made you Mash me?

Well, I liked that you
said that you were tired

- of the same old conversations...
- Mm-hmm.

... and the same old dating scene.

Yeah, and I-I like how you said

you're laid back and love to travel.

I don't think that was me.

Oh, I'm sorry, you said
you work hard and play hard.

Nope.

Looking for a partner in crime?

- Some other guy.
- Alicia?

Dwayne! What are you doing here?

You know me... work hard, play hard.

I think maybe you've been here before.

- Oh.
- I'm picking up that frame

- we made the other day.
- That got so crazy.

- Right?
- Wow.

Uh, maybe you guys should catch up.

Are you sure you don't mind?

Mind? No. What, are you kidding me?

I've got all this glitter and glue.

Oh, thanks, man.

Yeah. You're welcome, man.

- Hey!
- Ah!

- You look fantastic.
- So do you. This is wild.

This is crazy.

Hey, babe, you asleep?

Mm.

I mean, like, all the way asleep?

Mm!

It's cool.

My back is messed up anyway.

Psst. What're you doing?

I'm listening to a podcast about murder.

Should I be concerned?

I'm a woman. We listen
to podcasts about murder.

Oh, yeah. Totally.

I wonder what Wade's doing right now.

The world's his oyster at his feet.

- Lousy date, huh?
- Yeah.

I'm gonna take a break from
the dating apps for a while.

- Over one bad date?
- It's a whole thing.

I mean, they make it
so cold and artificial.

It's kind of like when the zoos
put the giant pandas in a cage

- and try and make them mate.
- Yes.

That doesn't work. Everybody
standing around watching them.

It's just too much pressure.

That's why we're running out of pandas.

I miss the good old days.

Back when I would just go
to a bar with my buddies

and meet women and dance and have fun.

- Hmm.
- Hey, you know that old bar,

- the Wildwood Tavern?
- Yeah, sure.

- Mm-hmm.
- You guys want to go?

Guys' night out. Be
a little spontaneous.

You know I would love to more
than anything in the world,

but I promised Delia we'd catch up
on Handmaid's Tale tonight,

and that is not a show where you
want to betray a woman's trust.

- All right, well, Ben? How about you?
- Huh?

You're always talking about how
you used to be Captain Cristal.

- Hey. Hey.
- The king of the club. Huh?

Come on. I want to meet him.

I would love for you to
meet the captain, I would.

But I can't leave Michelle
with no notice and four kids.

Plus two of them are having
other kids over for sleepovers.

Two. Damn, Noah's is a girl.

It's right there on that weird line.

Yeah, no, I totally understand.

You're good men. Do family stuff.

Sorry, man.

- You sure you're gonna be all right?
- Yeah.

Yeah.

You know what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna do what the
ancients did, the pioneers.

I am gonna go out and I am going

to meet people in the real world.

- Okay.
- What?

And on my way back,

I'm gonna pick up my picture frame.

'Cause I worked really hard on it.

- Hi.
- Hi.

I'll take a... Kentucky Rooster, neat.

You got it. You want the
password for the Wi-Fi?

Don't need it. Uh, tonight,

I'm just gonna do the real world.

Cool.

Cool.

Is this seat taken?

Uh, please. No. Uh, help yourself.

Thank you.

Uh...

Wi-Fi password's WILDWOOD19, all caps.

Thank you.

- Dad!
- Hey!

Are you in a tent?

Yeah, but it's indoors.

Uh... Yeah, o-okay.

I-Is the chupacabra real?

No, it isn't, and it
only lives in Mexico.

So it is real?

Grace, stop messing with your sister.

Are-are you doing okay, Dad?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm-I'm good.

I'm good. Don't worry about me.

Wait, where are you?

Is that a bar?

Yes, it is.

Ooh! Show us drunk people.

No. I'm not gonna do that.

- Miss you, Dad.
- Good night, Dad.

Good night. I love you.

Funny kids.

I made them myself.

You doing okay?

Yeah, I'm good, they're
just gone for the weekend.

Although it does feel a little strange,

to be at loose ends on a...

You were asking me about my drink.

I was.

Hit me.

All right.

Boom. What did I miss?

One of the Marthas said,

"You'll never get out of Gilead alive.

You're going on the
Wall", and then June said,

"I'm not going on the Wall.
You're going on the Wall".

Oh, my God.

Oh, this show makes me so scared
for everybody all the time.

What? That can't be right.

Oh, crap.

- What is it?
- Look what Wade's doing.

Scrabble.

He's at a bar.

He's supposed to be having a fun night.

Instead he's sitting there
playing Scrabble on his phone.

And he completely left
a triple word score open.

Yeah, this is a cry for help.

Delia,

my love,

my life...

... I don't want to do it,
but Wade needs me right now.

- Yeah. You're right.
- What?

- Really? I am?
- Yeah. I mean,

he's your friend and he's clearly alone

and a little lost at sea, and...

Oh, okay. I guess
you're already leaving.

Don't wait up. Mwah. Love you.

Forrest is on his way there now.

But he can't wingman alone.

Baby, Wade needs Captain Cristal.

Okay.

Really?

- You sure?
- Yeah, go. Have fun.

To be clear, Captain Cristal
is going to a bar full of women.

And this doesn't worry you at all?

You threw your back out making a bed.

Not making a bed. Moving a bed.

Go.

All right.

Last chance. I'm going.

Putting on my shiny shoes.

Full speed ahead.

You sure are going slow for somebody

moving full speed ahead.

Okay, cereal.

- Try "jovial".
- Oh. Whoa, that's a nice one.

It's a double word score.

- Yeah.
- And they said being an English major at Duke

was a waste.

Do you want another?
You want to call it?

I, uh... Think I'm gonna cash out.

I should warn you,

we do add 20% for groups over six.

I just squeezed under by five.

It's your lucky day.

Yes.

Unhand that man's credit card!

- Ah, your wingmen have arrived.
- Oh.

- What are you guys doing here?
- Huh?

Oh, so I'm happy that you came.

- Oh, wow.
- Come on, man.

We may be happily married
men, but that doesn't mean

we can't enjoy hooking a brother up.

- Oh, man.
- Yeah, man, we're gonna give you a night

you'll never forget. You're
gonna leave this place

with, conservatively speaking
now, 20 phone numbers.

Uh, I don't know that there are
that many women in this bar,

but I appreciate the attitude.

Okay, first off, we got to make
you the center of attention.

Lesson one: don't face the bar.

Man.

Face the honeys.

- Okay. Okay.
- All right?

Okay, lesson two: elbows out...

... legs wide.

Give them the full man-spread.

Watch this. Hey, now. Hey, ladies.

You having a good evening?

It is. It's beautiful out, right?

Okay. I catch you later.

Ha, ha, ha.

Yeah. Just knocking the rust off.

- You know how it is. Vroom, vroom.
- Yeah.

- Right. Yeah.
- Just getting it started.

You know how it goes.

- Totally.
- Yeah.

Michelle thinks I lost my game.

- Man, I got plenty of game left.
- Please.

- Plenty.
- I'm-a need several drinks, please.

Yeah, watch this. All
right? I'll give it a shot.

How about this?

- Hey! Oh.
- Oh, God.

That was just way too
loud. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

- That was way too loud.
- No, buddy.

It's okay. You know, you
just gave it your best shot.

- I did. I did.
- Yeah. Yeah.

That was my best shot.

- It's okay.
- Wow.

And speaking of shots.

Ha, ha, ha.

Are y'all ready for the captain?

- I'm ready for the captain.
- Bottom's up.

Ahoy!

Thanks for inviting us over.

Well, I thought if the guys
can have a guys' night,

- we could have a girls' night.
- Yeah.

Addie, honey, do you want to go upstairs

and hang out with Sahai?

Oh, she's good.

What is she listening to?

Thomas Hardy's Jude the Obscure.

- Wow.
- I know.

She's only 12, but she
listens at a tenth-grade level.

I'm sorry, Wade. It's-it's
just no use, you know?

Looks like the captain
went down with his ship.

No, no. Come on, man.

Why you saying that?

You know, when I told Michelle
I was going out, she said "Go".

Just like that.

She wasn't even worried.

She should've been like,

"Baby, I can't have you out there

with all those hungry women.

You the sexiest man alive".

That seems a little unrealistic.

I know, I know, and I
would never do anything,

but still.

- Yeah.
- You know what I mean?

I do. I know what you mean.

So... I got good news and bad news.

Good news is a hot woman
followed me into the men's room.

Bad news is it was the ladies' room.

See, man, that's it, guys,
I'm-I'm calling it a night.

Michelle was right.

I'm not the king of the club anymore.

Just the king of the dishwasher.

What is going on with you two, huh?

You're supposed to be my wingmen.

What, you're just giving up? Really?

I mean, I've got one

Saturday night to go out
and raise a little hell.

Come on, man, I want to
party with the captain.

Bring him out. Bring him out, Ben.

Bring him out. Bring him out.

Oh, yeah. Come on. Oh, there it comes.

- It's coming.
- Oh, it's coming.

- Oh, oh, oh.
- Ooh.

- You're right.
- Yeah.

- You are right, Wade.
- Yes.

Forrest, we came out tonight

to show the women of the world
how great of a guy Wade is.

- He's a great guy.
- Great guy.

And to send him home with some digits.

Yeah! Does anybody say
digits anymore, though?

No, people don't, but
Captain Cristal does.

- Okay.
- Yes, he, yes, he does.

And if I got any game left...

I'm leaving it on the field tonight.

- Yes.
- Yeah.

- On the field. Forrest!
- All right.

- Yup.
- Can you give me an air horn?

Uh, excuse me,

ladies and gentlemen,

the captain has an announcement to make!

Cristal for everyone!

Whoa... yeah!

Yeah!

You do have Cristal, right?

- Yes. It's $400 a bottle.
- Okay.

- Prosecco for everyone... !
- Oh, oh.

... at this table and-and this table.

Okay,

we'll get it for you guys.

- All right?
- For you guys.

Did he really call
himself Captain Cristal?

Well, yeah, his dad was in the Navy

and he's really into
Star Trek: The Next Generation.

I've never told anybody this...

Hmm?

... but Data, he gave me feelings.

Anyway, it worked. Obviously.

Wait, I don't even know that kid.

So-so you belong to a gym?

Wade, don't you lift heavy things

at that business that you own?

I don't lift them, my employees do.

Ooh, the jobs creator.

Check this out.

So we're getting frozen
yogurt once, right,

and the tap snaps off the wall

and frozen yogurt just comes
shooting out everywhere.

Oh, my God. What did you do?

I screamed like a little baby girl.

But Wade, here, leaped
into action and shut it off.

- Wow.
- I'm no hero,

or anything, I was just there
at the right time, you know?

But it was quick. It was like, ah!

- Oh!
- That's what you did.

- Stopped it.
- That's what he did.

Hey, Forrest, man, snap a picture off.

- Come on, ladies.
- Oh, what a great idea.

Yeah, that's great.

Wade, you squeeze in
between Gretchen and Denise.

Oh, wow, Gretchen, Denise.

The rest of y'all, y'all come with me.

This is going on the captain's Gram.

Everybody say, "Captain!"

Captain!

Would you look at that.

Wade looks like he's having fun.

That's nice.

Where are that woman's hands?

Wait, which woman?

The one that's draped
all over my husband.

Michelle, come on. He's
in a bar with women in it.

You're being silly.

You're right.

- He's just being there for Wade.
- Mm-hmm.

- I'm going down there.
- Wait, what?

Can you watch the kids?

A-All of them?

My mom lets me drink Cokes at night.

Wait until I'm gone
before you start lying.

Nice try.

You designed the Carolina
Panthers' stadium?

Yes, he did.

- No, I didn't. I'm a landscape architect.
- Yes.

Uh, I planted most of the
hedges on the south end.

Most, he planted most on the
south end, that's the good end.

- Uh, you look like you can use another drink.
- Aw.

You're so sweet.

Oh, no. Oh, what've I done?

Wh-What's wrong?

I just made out with that woman.

When? I've-I've been
standing here the whole time.

That was a mistake, okay?

Denise, that-that was a
mistake, do you hear me?

God, I must've been giving out signals

or something. I love Delia.

- Yes, you do.
- You know,

I'm not good enough for
her to murder in a podcast.

She's...

- She's my whole world, man.
- Forrest,

if you need to go home,
that is totally cool.

If I still have a home to go
to, I would like to go there now.

- Go. Go.
- Okay. I will. Here I go.

Hey.

- What's up with Forrest?
- He's going home to save his marriage.

Oh, man. What'd I miss?

Literally nothing.

Oh, mama.

Hi.

I think you might be in my spot.

- What's up, baby? You want to sit down?
- I can't stay.

I have ice cream in the car.

Is it chocolate?

Double chocolate.

- One second.
- Go.

- You sure?
- Yup. I'm gonna go home, too.

- I mean, you got to leave with some digits.
- I don't need any digits.

All I wanted was to have
a great weekend, and I did.

I got to meet the captain.

Ah.

All right, look here, I got
something to handle, but, um...

- Here, man. Tip big. I got a reputation.
- Okay.

You sure you're okay not
closing down the place?

Hell yes! I'm leaving with
the hottest woman in here.

Mm!

Thank you for everything.

- Lena.
- Lena.

- Get home safe.
- Yeah.

- Who's the captain now?
- You are!

What got into you?

Me? That's just how I do.

Yes you can have a Coke!

Don't mess with the best.

Oh, hi, Linda.

Hi. Did you have a good night?