The Unicorn (2019–…): Season 1, Episode 15 - Everyone's a Winner - full transcript

Let's go, Otters! All right.

Okay, run the... Ooh, Sahai is open.

Sahai is open.

Sahai is wide open! No!

That... (GRUNTS)

- Are we winning?
- We would be if they would pass to Sahai.

- Because she's open.
- She is open, Michelle.

Hey, Addie. Hi, honey. Good job.

Uh, she's the scorekeeper.

I know, but she gets
really nervous about it,

so we have to give her a
lot of positive feedback.



You're killing this, Addie!

Way to go, scorekeeping!
Oh, there's Wade.

Wade. Wade.

- Ah, hey.
- Hey, there.

Ah, excuse me. Sorry.

- Ah, squeeze in, squeeze in.
- Hey, hey.

Sorry. Sorry I'm late.
Oh, nice steal, Nat.

Wow, th-these seats are great.

Yeah, I got here early and saved them.

You know, it's one of the
perks of being unemployed.

What time did you get here?

- Uh, lunchtime.
- Oh.

Well, I think it's great that Forrest

is taking some time off from
his career to really let go



and see where the universe takes him.

Look, it's like I'm some kind
of kite, dancing on the wind.

Good for you, Forrest.
Is that a pajama shirt?

Ooh! Pass it! Hey!

Pass it! Hey! Pass to Sahai! She's open!

No! Don't shoot it. Pass to...

(GRUNTS) That is... not
what I wanted to happen.

Um, hello.

- Hello.
- It breaks my heart

to say this, but you're
gonna have to let me go.

- I'm-I'm sorry?
- You're sitting on my coat.

- Oh, I'm-I'm-I'm-I'm sorry.
- (CHUCKLES)

- Uh, I'm setting you free.
- Oh. Wow.

I wish my divorce had been that easy.

(BOTH LAUGH)

I'm, um, I'm Wade.

- Natalie's dad.
- Oh.

Which-which one's yours?

Uh, number eight, Jordyn.

I'm Heather.

- I'm Wade.
- I know.

(BOTH LAUGH)

When Nat cuts to the basket,
I want you to come around,

- fill in that space, and then when Bella cuts...
- BEN: Sorry.

...to the basket, I want you to
come around, fill in that space.

- Uh, hey, Coach V?
- Yes?

Ben Taylor, Sahai's dad.

Nice to meet you. Caitlyn,

I hope you're using that phone
to look up the word "hustle".

- Thank you.
- That's good advice.

- I can see you're busy.
- Yes.

Just want to let you know,
Sahai's a natural point guard.

Ah, thanks for the
information. Now, Natalie...

You've been playing her wing.

And you've been paying attention.

You played a little b-ball?

I was third city all-team.

Okay, whatever. Natalie, I
want to make sure that you...

So you'll move her to point?

No. Sir, please return to your seat.

Maybe I wasn't clear. I'm...

Return to your seat.

- I just want to offer...
- Re...

turn to your seat.

- Okay.
- Yeah.

- Fine.
- Yeah.

- Sahai's a...
- Return to your seat!

Yeah.

- Hey. Sorry. Okay. Go Otters.
- All right, hands up.

You know who you got on defense, right?

Yeah. We're just gonna
keep her at the wing.

Good game.

Well, I know we lost, but

at least it's not your fault.

Just you saying it isn't my fault

makes me think it is my fault.

Forrest?

- Excuse me, guys.
- Yeah.

Listen, why don't you guys head home?

I think I'm gonna stay and
watch the eighth graders' game.

- Really?
- It's not like I got to

get up for work in the morning, right?

Huh. Wow, that's great.
Yeah. Uh... (EXHALES)

I can't imagine not
wanting to jump out of bed

and just do things.

But, you know, you're outside the box,

and I admire the hell
out of it, Forrest.

- Yeah.
- Thank you.

Thanks for your support.

Ugh, well, that's the second hardest

- I've been screwed in a gym.
- I'm sorry?

- The reffing.
- Ah.

Yeah, that's, uh that's vivid.

(LAUGHS) Well, we'll get them next time.

Yeah, yeah. Maybe, uh,
maybe I'll see you here.

Maybe.

Okay, boomer, I'm ready.

Do you even know what that means?

It's a fart joke, right?

- No.
- Oh, well,

I saw you flirting with Jordyn's mom.

Do you love her?

She's, uh, she's funny.

Are you kidding? She's hilarious.

You should totally ask her out.

- Really? You would be okay with that?
- Yeah.

Jordyn is so cool. We could be sisters.

Or you could just be friends

whose parents go out for
a casual cup of coffee.

Could we get bunk
beds? That'd be so cool.

(GASPS) Jordyn, Jordyn, wait up.

(SIGHS)

Oh, God, why. Yeah?

Sorry if we got off on
the wrong foot earlier.

- Uh-huh.
- I get it.

I know you see all these
awful, pushy parents...

- Uh-huh.
- ... but I'm not that guy.

You're kind of acting like that guy.

- No. No, no, no, no.
- Hmm.

You see, the thing is,
I'm not just a parent.

- Mm-hmm.
- I'm a coach, too.

Oh, so you want to
teach my science class?

Since you've experienced gravity,

you're probably an expert
at that, too, right?

Dad, can we go? I have homework.

Perhaps I could teach
you the finer points...

- Okay, thank you for your time.
- Thank you.

- Motion offense with a natural point guard.
- Benjamin! Benjamin.

- Coach Vanessa!
- I cannot pull you.

- Hey. Morning.
- Hi.

Good morning, Wade. Um,
Addie, your ride's here. Oh!

You still need to brush your teeth.

Shoot, uh, we're running a
little behind 'cause Forrest

kind of blew up our whole
schedules with his unemployment.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

FORREST: I prefer to call
it a spiritual journey.

- Yes.
- (STAMMERS) That's right.

Thank you for that.
It's his, it's a spiritu...

Uh, how, uh, how are you doing?

Good, so good.

Just giving him space
and just being supportive.

Which means you want
to scream into a pillow?

(QUIETLY): It's just so hard.

But I know it's what he needs

and... (GROANS)

He'll come around, right?

- I-I think so.
- Yeah.

- Yeah.
- Wade.

Oh, oh, hey, buddy. How you doing?

I couldn't be better, man. I
couldn't. I had a breakthrough.

Oh, thank God.

I bought a boat.

- You bought a boat?
- (SCREAMS)

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

A 1200 piece, 1-to-72-scale,

top of the line Golden Hind.

Uh...

Golden Hind. It's a model ship.

It's a model ship.

Oh, yes, of course,

because who doesn't want a Golden Hind?

Not this guy. Not...

No, this guy... does doesn't.

Yeah.

And I support you. Honey.

Addie!

Light a fire under it!

Sahai, come on down, girl.

So Forrest said

he always wanted a Golden Hind?

Yeah. It's a ship.

Ooh, that's less bad than
I pictured. (CHUCKLES)

So he's just gonna sit
around building a model,

and Dr. Delia's okay with that?

Uh, no, she is actively
not okay with it.

Maybe you should build a boat.
Yeah, better use of your time

than picking fights with little
girls' basketball coaches.

BEN: I feel terrible.

You know how it is at soccer, Wade.

The last thing that you want to be

is the dad that yells at the coach.

- Yeah.
- MICHELLE: So don't yell at the coach.

But she's so wrong.

Could you tell my wife, please, Wade?

Uh, she's got a point.

- Thank you, Wade.
- What?

- What?
- Well... No, I'm out, I'm out, I'm out.

Sahai, we got to go.

- Judas!
- Come over any time.

ANNOUNCER: And three-time Academy
Award nominee Saoirse Ronan in...

- The Mill on the Floss.
- Oh, my God, her again?

Don't you hate her?

- Uh, no. No, uh...
- (SIGHS)

... sometimes I have a hard
time saying her first name.

Mm. Ser-shah.

MAN: Shh!

(CHUCKLING): You're allowed
to talk during the trailers.

(CHUCKLES)

(QUIETLY): Oh, hey, look,
the, uh, the movie's starting.

Yeah, I'd sure be shocked if
Saoirse loses her virginity

- in that one.
- MAN: Shh!

Has Saorise Ronan ever done a movie

where she didn't lose her virginity?

Brooklyn? Loss her virginity.

Lady Bird? Loss her virginity.

You know, this, uh, popcorn
is really, really fresh.

Why don't you have some? Like a lot.

Have you ever seen On Chesil Beac?

- Saoirse Ronan's in it.
- MAN: Shh!

- (WHISPERS): Loses her virginity.
- Huh.

WOMAN: Please be quiet. Please!

It's still the opening
credits! I can talk.

(QUIETLY): You know, maybe you
just want to lower your voice,

just, like, just a little.

Wow. (LAUGHS)

You're one of those.

N-No...

Uh, jujube?

You know what? I love Saoirse Ronan,

but she does lose her virginity a lot.

(WHOOPS) This is great!

What big fun we have.

And you know what else would be big fun?

Mixing up the positions.

Lot of great ball handlers out there.

Whoop-whoop!

What's up, guys?

- Hey, guys.
- Sorry we're late.

Yeah, I lost my battleship.

- What?
- Yeah. The Hind.

I got a text that it was
delivered, went outside... gone.

Yeah. We've been looking everywhere.

Sounds like porch pirates.

Porch pirates?

Yeah, they steal packages.

And some of them just drive up

- right behind delivery vans.
- FORREST: No.

It's kind of ironic that
pirates stole your ship.

FORREST: Yeah. But all brilliant
puns aside, this will not stand.

BEN: Ooh, ooh, ooh, yeah!
Yeah! Take that shot, Sahai!

Take it! Put it up!

- Pass the ball! Pass the ball, Sahai!
- Put it up!

- Pass it!
- Take the shot!

Pass the ball, Sahai,

- Pass the ball!
- Come on, come on!

- BEN: Shoot it! Shoot it!
- VANESSA: Pass it!

- Pass it!
- Yes!

Why is Heather Weidlinger
giving us the stink eye?

- Are you sure it's at us?
- Oh, yeah.

(EXHALES) It's not us. It's me.

I told you the movie did
not go well last night.

Your movie date was
with Heather Weidlinger?

You banged Heather Weidlinger?

Worse. He shushed her.

I didn't bang her,
and I didn't shush her.

She was shushed. I
mean, shushing happened.

Why didn't you tell us that you went
out with Heather Weidlinger?

Because I am a grown man,

- perfectly capable of making his own decisions.
- Mm-mm.

Well, clearly, you're not.

You do not go out with a woman

with a child in your child's school.

Yeah. Now you're gonna be stuck
seeing her forever, always, now.

Till the end of days. Oh...

God. This is why we always say

don't go out with
anybody from the school.

You've never said that.

Yes, well, I didn't think
it needed to be said!

I mean, and Heather Weidlinger?

What do you even see in her?

Uh, she's funny, and
she seemed outrageous.

Yeah. Then you realize

she's really mean and very obnoxious.

Plus, she's the queen bee
of the sixth grade moms.

And she scares me.

I'm scared I'm-a push her
down a flight of stairs.

You are brave. You are really brave.

If I just broke up
with Heather Weidlinger,

I would not show my face at school.

Oh, come on. Come on.
What's she gonna do, huh?

She gonna push me into
a locker? Call me a nerd?

You got to date her again.

- You got to sleep with her.
- What?

Yes. You do.

No. That's wrong. I know. I know.

Because it's panic thinking.
Ugh. Okay. Undo. Undo.

(CLICKING TONGUE)

Sorry.

(BOTH SIGHING)

Bella, you're in for Sahai.

- Sahai! Out.
- BEN: You got to be kidding me!

Hey! This is your first warning.

You got one point guard
and she's on the bench!

- You shaving points?
- Mark, get this guy out of here!

What?! You said it was my first warning!

That's 'cause I only give one warning.

Then don't call it the first warning.

That implies more warnings.

All right. All right. Hey,
I'll see y'all at the house.

Okay, let's go, Otters! Let's go!

Come on, Sahai. Do what we worked on.

Oh, hey, honey.

- Huh, this is interesting.
- Hey.

There's a job fair downtown today

at the convention center.
I was thinking maybe I should go.

I'm always looking for new
pediatrician opportunities.

Maybe you want to go
with me, I don't know?

Oh, no. No, thanks, I got way
too much on my plate right now.

I, uh, just got an alert
that my packages showed up.

Oh, good.

More models?

No. No, alarm system.

I didn't tell you about this?

I got one of those camera doorbells,

motion-activated lights.

- Mm.
- Yeah.

No pirate's gonna plunder our porch.

Yeah. (SIGHS)

FORREST: It's not there!

What?

It's not, it's not there!

- What, what?
- The... aw!

(GROANS)

(INHALES, EXHALES)

I know, uh, I know the last time I said

this wouldn't stand, but...

this really won't stand!

Okay.

Ooh. Wow, look at that.

Free parking at the convention center.

Can't beat that.

- You sure you don't want to...
- (DOOR SLAMS)

- No?
- FORREST: It's not gonna stand!

Okay.

So, they're teaching
us about Marie Curie

discovering radium like it's supposed to

inspire girls to get into science.

And then she dies from radium.

Well, maybe you don't
want to overthink it.

It's like Amelia Earhart.

She makes you want to be a woman pilot

and then dies in a crash.

Well, in her defense, all
we know is she vanished.

So her plane is still
up there somewhere?

Uh, yeah.
Yeah, that's, that's a good point.

- (CHUCKLES)
- WADE: Hey, uh...

Natalie, instead of
forcing more stuff in,

why don't you just take it out?

Fine. I've got nothing
else better to do.

(CHUCKLES)

Do you have any idea what's
going on with Natalie?

I'll tell you, but you have to promise

not to get upset first.

Well, one, that depends
on what you tell me,

and two, upset is a feeling,

and I can't promise
not to have a feeling.

Okay, we don't have time for this.

Jordyn is having a
laser tag birthday party,

and Natalie is the only
girl on the team not invited.

What, Heather's daughter?

- Number eight?
- Mm-hmm.

(SIGHS) You don't think this has
anything to do with me, do you?

Well, everyone is
saying you shushed her.

What? I didn't shush her.

Other people shushed her.

To take it out on a
12-year-old little girl...

Hey. Come over here, Natalie.

You want to,
you want to talk about Jordyn's party?

No.

Jordyn is stupid, parties are stupid,

and lasers are stupid.

And all because you asked out her mom.

- You told him to.
- Because I'm stupid.

Should I go talk to her now?

Give her time.

MICHELLE: I can't believe
you're making me do this.

Why's Sahai on the bench?

I don't know.

You could ask the coach yourself
if you hadn't been banned

- from the gym.
- Point me at the game.

- Aw! Why are they in a zone defense?
- I don't know.

Point me at the game!

I will turn you off, Benjamin,

if you keep talking to me like that.

Please point me at the game.

- Okay.
- WADE: Otters, come on!

Let's go, now,

let's go!

What are you looking at?

My booty.

Your booty looks a lot
like your front porch.

DELIA: Yeah. Forrest drove
to a home security store

and bought a wireless camera,
so that he can watch our porch

for when packages come.

Yep. And I support you.

Ah, well, uh, it looks like you,
you have some packages there.

Yeah. And when they come to try
and take them, I will see them.

On that.

And then what?

Then...

I, uh, I'll have the video.

And then what?

Then comes... justice?

Yeah. Let's not over-examine the plan.

Yeah.

(GASPS)

DELIA: Oh, God, there's Heather. Great.

I should go talk to her.
No. I should just leave.

- That's what I'll do.
- N-No. No, don't.

You're not going anywhere, okay?
This is, this is ridiculous.

I'm gonna, I'm gonna
go straighten this out.

- No, it's Heather.
- I got it.

- Oh. Oh, he's there. He's there.
- (GASPS)

Oh! Oh, he's taking the packages.

No, he's not. No, he's not.

Attention, this is the homeowner.

Drop the packages and go away.

I am inside the house.

I know judo. I'm inside and I know judo.

All right, I'm putting on
my shoes. You asked for it.

- No, you're not. No.
- This is it.

Forrest, you're not gonna
make it all the way...

Just get reimbursed by the company.

That's how it's done.

I support you!

- Okay. Can you get Addie?
- I got Addie.

Thank you.

Hey, uh, Heather. Do you,
uh, do you have a minute?

- Oh, I'm sorry, was I talking too loud?
- (CHUCKLES)

Look, I don't mind if you tell
people that I'm a jerk, but...

Done.

Okay, all right, but do you really have

to take it out on my kid?

- What are you talking about?
- Oh, come on.

Y-You didn't invite
Natalie to Jordyn's party.

- Yeah.
- (LAUGHS SOFTLY) Oh, are you saying

that I'm the sort of person
who, because you shushed me...

Well, no, well, I didn't shush you.

Okay. Now you're cutting me off.

- Because you just said that I shushed you. I...
- Whoa.

You really are a jerk.

Oh, come on. This isn't high school.

No, it's not. It's middle school.

(SCOFFS)

BEN: Come on, man.

She can't bounce pass.

You know who can bounce pass? Sahai.

Sahai Taylor, num... oh,
baby, put the phone down.

- Put the phone down.
- VANESSA: Is that your husband on that phone?

I don't know what you're talking about.

You know what? He a
little bit of a jackass.

- BEN: What? Put the phone up.
- Excuse me?

Put the phone up, Michelle.

Hey, Coach V, you got something
to say, you say it to me.

You a little bit of a jackass!

- I'm a jackass?
- You don't call my husband a jackass.

- I call my husband a jackass.
- Mark.

- BEN: What?
- Come take this phone out of here.

No... You know what,
Mark? I'll take him out.

BEN: T... That's right, baby.

- 'Cause I'm not going anywhere.
- I'm done.

Talk to my butt.

Baby. No, we in this together. Wait.

I mean, she was acting
like I was the crazy one,

but I've checked the mail.
There is no invitation here.

Nobody sends invitations
through the mail.

I checked my e-mail, too.

Did you check your spam folder?

No. Why would I do that?

It's full of spam.

Oh, really? Okay.

Have a look.

Look, there it is.

- Natalie, you were invited.
- What?

Oh, my God, that's so cool.

Oh, man.

Oh, I'm-I'm the world's biggest jerk.

Dad, t-the party's just starting.

Could you please take me? Please?

(SIGHS) Yeah.

- (GASPS) Yes.
- Yeah, yeah, of course I can take you.

I'm gonna go change.

Yay.

- Forrest?
- No, turn it off!

- What? (SHOUTS)
- Turn it off!

Sweet mother of God!

- (WHISPERS): Turn it off.
- Oh, my God.

What, are you trying to kill me?

What are you doing?

I'm-I'm, you know, I'm exacting
my revenge and so forth.

Oh, on what? The porch pirates?

Well, anything sounds stupid
if you make it sound stupid.

- (GROANS)
- I put packagesout on the porch,

and when they come for
them, I'll be ready.

With your fireplace broom?

(SIGHS) I thought it was...

I tried to reach for
the poker, obviously,

and it-it was dark in here.

Look, look, Deels.

- Huh?
- I know this seems crazy.

But it's given me a purpose.

I've just been

on this losing streak for a while,

and I just want to, I want
to put up a win, you know?

Well, do you know what
I see when I look at you?

Angry man with a tiny broom?

No. I see the biggest
winner I've ever known.

- Aw.
- And I know that you want to take time off

and I've been really supportive, but...

I know. I need to get out of the house

and start looking for a job.

- Oh, you really thrive in structure.
- Yeah, I do.

You really do.

I mean, look at...
T-This is after a week.

- Look.
- (MOANS) Yeah.

I love you, but...

you can still chase
pirates in your downtime.

Who needs pirates when I
got a wench like you at home?

- Mm. No.
- Hmm.

Not sure I care for that.

No, I could tell.

No. But you know what we're gonna do?

We're gonna call it a night.

And I'm gonna go get those packages.

- Thank you.
- Okay.

(EXHALES)

- (ALARM SOUNDING)
- Oh, God!

- Oh, my God! So loud.
- Sorry.

I know. I didn't know it
was gonna be this loud.

So I-I jumped to conclusions

about you, and that's inexcusable,

and it was very stupid,

- and for that I feel very...
- (SHUSHES)

Okay. Okay, but really,

- I'm-I'm very...
- (SHUSHES)

Hey. How was it?

Excruciating.

- But I took my medicine, and it's done.
- Dad.

Dad, Dad, Dad. You have to come in

and sign a waiver so I can play.

- NATALIE: Come on, Dad, hurry up!
- (SIGHS)

I can't believe I'm doing this.

I have nothing to apologize for.

Do you want to watch your
little girl's basketball games?

Or do you want to sit home and
yell about how right you are?

(SIGHS)

Hey, Coach?

It's 7:00 p.m. Can't I just go drink?

I want to apologize. I was out of line.

It's just hard for me to stay silent.

So this is you staying silent?

I just know my daughter's a point guard.

She is.

She's a natural.

But she hogs the ball

and she shoots too much.

She's a classic coach's kid.

Eh, that's not...

That's, uh... That's...

That's exactly what she is.

I know. And I'm never gonna
let her play point guard

until she learns how to play team ball.

- That's smart.
- I know.

And she's never gonna
learn how to play team ball

until her father sits down and shuts up.

(SIGHS)

As a coach, that's exactly what I'd say.

About someone else's kid.

I'm sorry, Vanessa.

Thank you.

Coach, do you have a second?

My daughter Caitlyn plays
center on a club team...

Hey, man. Let the woman do her job.

And drink.

(CHUCKLES)

Get lost. Get lost!