The Trip (2010–…): Season 4, Episode 3 - Episode #4.3 - full transcript
Get a move on!
Hurry, though.
- Come on, Granddad.
- Keep up!
Keep moving.
You okay?
You all right?
Katherine.
Katherine?
Oh, husband that I love,
why do you choose to give in
to such wild grief?
- Katherine!
- Farewell.
And do not fail
in your love for our son.
Ah.
- Morning.
- Said we'd leave at dawn.
- Look at that view.
- Yeah.
Rosy-fingered Dawn.
What Homer used to call it,
whenever he mentioned morning.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Rosy-fingered Dawn.
Ooh!
- Rosie fingered Dawn.
- Oh, I see.
- Yes.
- Yes.
Rosie and Dawn presumably live
on the island of Lesbos.
- Shut your face. Yes.
- Yes.
And I was up at the crack of Dawn.
- Ooh lucky old Dawn, oh.
- There's another one for you there.
So, how far did you run?
Er, 5K. Five kilometres.
That's not bad. More than three miles.
You seem quite out of breath, though.
It's very hilly.
And it's high upward. Very high.
Yeah. Did I tell you about the time
I was in New Mexico at 10,000 feet?
Yes, I'm going to get changed.
- Will you get me a cappuccino?
- Yeah.
You have to take more oxygen
to keep your red blood cell up,
that's the only way you can
avoid altitude sickness.
♪ I saw my problems
and I seen the light
♪ We got a lovin' thing
♪ We gotta treat it right
♪ There ain't no danger
we can go too far
♪ We start believin' now…
Are you singing Grease
because we're in Greece?
♪ Grease is the word
♪ They think our love
is just a growin' pain… ♪
You know that Grease
is not about the country Greece?
When I'm in Greece,
I hear the word "Greece",
I think Grease.
Yes, but it's not the same thing…
- It's a homophone. It's a homophone.
- No, no, no.
How dare you?
How dare you?
I'm not a homophone.
- I'm a heterosexualphone.
- I'm a hetero…
I'm not… I'm a human being.
- Erm, good evening.
- I'm not a homophone.
Erm, look, for me, Steve,
Greece is the word, yes.
It's the word that you heard.
It's got a groove, it's got a meaning.
Greece is the time,
it's the place, it's the motion.
Well, Greece is the way we're feeling.
Talk more about that. Expand on that.
Erm, do you know who wrote Grease?
Steve Coogan,
did you know who wrote Grease?
- No, I don't know.
- It was Barry Gibb.
I know who a lot of the writers
from ancient Greece are,
but I know that's not as important
to you as who wrote the song Grease.
It was written by Barry Gibb,
because Robert Stigwood,
the Bee Gees manager,
was producing the musical.
Now, the original stage musical,
of course,
it didn't have the song Grease.
Robbie said to Barry,
"We're enjoying such great such success
"with Saturday Night Fever
"and the old records."
- The Tragedy of…
- Do you know who wrote that…
Do you know who wrote
there's a friend to everyone,
there is a friend to no one?
Yes, Aristotle.
Now, let me tell you this…
- Only because I told you.
- No, I knew it already.
My God, Miss Jones.
You know more about, er,
these irrelevant things
like who wrote the song Grease
and these… These trivialities,
than anything to do with ancient Greece,
other than what I've spoon-fed you
over the last few days.
♪ Grease is the time
it's the place, it's the motion
♪ And Grease is the way we are feeling ♪
Here, we're very near Thermopylae,
where the Spartans fought the Persians.
- Yes. Wow!
- Did you know that?
- Thermopylae…
- Thermopylae was the Greek god
of board games.
You know, the Greeks thought
Delphi was the centre of the world,
literally the centre
of the Greek world.
- The navel, as it were?
- Yes, I think so.
And they had a… A cave.
Had a woman in a cave
sitting on a tripod,
with, erm, smoke coming up
underneath her.
And they believed
that it was the Goddess…
They'd have a prophet there
to interpret, because she would then…
The smoke would come up,
and she'd start going…
And, er, they'd have a prophet
to interpret what she was saying.
And the people believed
that it was Apollo
sending his words up in smoke
through her vagina
and out of her mouth.
And she was the priestess Pythia.
- What?
- Aren't you gonna make a joke about it?
No.
If I did, it wouldn't be
one of my pithier comments.
Ah, I knew there was something
lurking in there somewhere.
Probably where the phrase,
"Blowing smoke up your arse" comes from.
It was her vagina, not her arse.
I hope you know
the difference by now, Rob.
God help your wife.
I bet she doesn't know
which way to turn.
Now, this here is the stone
that Zeus dropped to signify
the centre of the world.
The navel of the world
just there.
Looks more like a clitoris though,
doesn't it?
It does though,
it looks more like a giant clit…
That's almost certainly deliberate.
It is a shrine to the female, to…
To Gaia, Mother Earth, the creative.
And, er, until, of course,
Apollo came along,
claimed all the credit for himself,
surprise, surprise.
- It was ever thus, the patriarchy, er…
- It's a lovely spot.
- … claiming credit…
- Very peaceful.
- Very spiritual, isn't it?
- Yeah.
Michelin-starred
Varoulko Seaside
in Piraeus, Athens,
is widely regarded
as Greece's top seafood restaurant.
Well, it's very nice, isn't it?
This is, er,
not what I expected of Athens.
I was thinking hot and dusty,
- not wet and cool.
- Well, this is exactly
what I expected of Athens
because lots of boats
because it was a naval power.
The Athenian navy defeated the Persians
in the Battle of Salamis.
- The Battle of Salamis?
- Yeah.
So are you gonna do something
about two guys with salamis
hitting each other on the head?
- Yeah.
- Or the fact that salami's
- a bit like cocks?
- Yeah, no,
- no, I wasn't gonna go there, but…
- Really?
Well, the Battle of Salamis…
a great Greek army, a bit gay.
Yeah, but the Battle of, erm,
Marathon not far from here,
that wasn't a naval battle, was it?
I didn't say all the battles
were naval.
And that's where we get
the marathon from.
- Yes.
- Because the guy, the soldier, came,
he ran from the battle at Marathon
all the way back to Athens.
And then, you won't know this…
- Yeah.
- … he dropped dead.
What did he shout just before he died?
He said, "I've got shooting pains
down my arm
"and sort of followed by
a crushing feeling
- "across my chest".
- No, no.
- Nike!
- What? Thank you very much.
- He shouted…
- Red mullet tartar
with bottarga powder and ouzo jellies.
- Thank you very much.
- An Athenian salad
from white grouper,
eggs and brioche crisp.
- Great. Thank you.
- Enjoy.
Thank you.
Er, he shouted Nike!
He had a sponsorship deal?
He wanted to thank the guys at Nike?
No, he shouted Nike
because Nike is the goddess of victory.
Yeah, there you go, Rob.
Goodbye, mullet,
- or as it's more commonly known…
- Mullet tartar.
There we go.
Have you ever run a marathon?
No, of course not, no.
- I have.
- Really?
If you died at the end of a marathon
I would gladly try and resuscitate you.
- You know, to the…
What are you doing,
waving goodbye to me?
No, I'm pressing your chest,
- to the rhythm of Staying Alive.
- That…
You don't do that. You don't…
That's patting someone on the back.
Arms together, elbows locked.
Push down. Thirty chest compressions.
Thirty.
And you count them.
One, two, three, four
- five, six, seven, eight…
- ♪ Staying alive, staying alive… ♪
… nine, ten. Do 30 of those.
♪ Steve's gonna die
Steve's gonna die… ♪
- Then two breaths.
- Yeah.
Pinch the nose, head back.
- Two breaths. Not your nose.
- What?
- The nose of the person…
- Sorry, sorry, sorry.
- Head back. Something under his neck.
- We've lost him.
What happened? We've lost him.
But I'm pinching my nose.
Not your nose, you idiot.
Well, it's 'cause you make
people laugh
while losing valuable seconds,
that would be good.
What if you found it funny
and you sprung back to life laughing?
Well, I'd…
I'd have to be conscious
for that to happen.
So, if I'm conscious,
then there's no need to resuscitate me.
- Doesn't make sense.
- I'm banging your chest…
- Can I break a rib?
- Two breaths, then 30 more.
One, two, three, four,
♪ Ah, ah, ah, ah
♪ Steve's gonna die, Steve's gonna die ♪
Yeah. And why…
Why do they say do it
to the beat of the Bee Gees? Why?
Because it's the
number of beats per minute it's…
- And how many beats per minute is it?
- One hundred and twenty.
- Yes.
- 'Cause that's the classic disco beat.
Yes, I know.
Then we've got a very dangerous area
because then it might be time
to try mouth-to-mouth,
and I would not be
comfortable with that.
I'm glad. I'm glad
you wouldn't be comfortable with it.
I would find it hard
to press my lips to yours.
I'm glad you wouldn't be comfortable
with it, 'cause I enjoy it more
when you don't enjoy it.
Marathon Man.
- Hoffman, Dustin Hoffman.
- Olivier.
- Very different actors.
- Olivier acts from the outside in.
He's not a method actor. Never was.
He likes to look in the mirror
and look like someone different.
And then make that
the basis of his character.
Whereas Dustin is…
Dustin would like that.
I think I'm quite like Dustin.
I'm a short actor like Dustin.
Yeah, well, that's Dustin Hoffman.
- Oh. Oh!
- Oh, yeah, Dustin.
Mrs Robinson,
are you trying to seduce me?
Are you trying to seduce me,
Mrs Robinson?
Mrs Robinson,
are you trying to seduce me?
Then, what did he choose next?
I'll tell you, Midnight Cowboy.
Why did he choose that?
John Schlesinger.
'Cause it was so different.
Who did he play?
- Ratso Rizzo.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Who was opposite him? Jon Voight.
- Jon Voight, yeah.
Jon Voight, the Trump supporter,
mad Trump supporter.
- We didn't know that then.
- Jon Voight says,
"Well, hell, I'm a hustler.
You didn't know that?"
Dustin says,
"Well, how am I supposed to know that?
You got to tell a person these things.
"I mean, I understand
a broad starts crying
"and I cut my heart out for her.
- "You need my friend O'Daniel."
- Can you do…
I haven't finished doing it yet.
You need my friend O'Daniel.
- He runs…
- Good. That's very good.
I still haven't finished.
You need my friend O'Daniel.
He runs the biggest…
Now I'm getting it wrong
'cause you jumped in my fricking way.
I'm walking here, I'm walking here.
Well, I'm talking here.
Let me finish this thing right now.
You need my friend O'Daniel.
He runs the biggest stable in the
whole goddamn metropolitan area.
It's crazy, a stud like you paying.
- And then there was Tootsie of course.
- I can do that.
Michael, nobody will employ you.
You play the tomato,
they went two days over
'cause you wouldn't sit down.
I'm a woman.
I don't like the way you speak to women.
If you say that again to me
I'm gonna knock your balls
right through the roof of your mouth.
- I'm not Dorothy Michaels.
- I'm not Dorothy Michaels.
I'm Michael Dorsey.
I'm an excellent driver.
Yeah, okay. Can you do…
Can you do
a Godzilla animation in a film?
- Kind of like the stop-frame animation.
- No.
I can. Watch.
- It's quite good, isn't it?
- I still prefer your Neil Kinnock.
- Erm…
- If I had to choose.
If I had to choose,
with a gun to my head.
And I can do dubbing in films
- where the voice doesn't match the…
- You've done this before.
I know. It's good, though. Watch.
- Are you gonna do it?
- Yeah. Erm…
Don't be ridiculous.
I've told you time and time again.
Every time you come here,
your voice doesn't suit you at all.
And when you lose your temper
it should be like this,
"Hey, you, you're a fool!"
Fair enough.
In the Marathon Man, of course,
you remember that story
about Dustin wanting to stay
in that scene where he says,
"Is it safe?" Remember?
- Is it safe?
- Is it safe?
- Is it safe?
- Dustin had to be
as if he'd been up all night.
So, I stayed up all night.
I went to Studio 54.
He came in all trashed,
and also sweating,
and Laurence Olivier said,
Why don't you try acting, dear boy?
Why don't you try acting?
Why don't you try…
Why don't you try acting, dear boy?
Why don't you try acting, dear boy?
Have you met my friend John Gielgud?
- Oh, I'm so very sorry.
- Oh, I'm so very sorry.
Do you know what he said when they…
John Gielgud… When they
decriminalised homosexuality…
Decriminalised it?
Yes, they have.
It's, Rob, fill your boots, mate.
Er, in 1967, they decriminalised it.
He went to London,
lent out of the taxi to the policemen,
"Arrest us, officer, we're poofs".
Is it safe?
I don't know.
- Is it safe?
- Yes, it's safe.
Yes, it's safe.
Yes, it's very, very safe.
Are you going to be both parts?
- Is it safe?
- It's safe. It's safe, yeah.
Does this hurt?
You have a cavity at the back.
This is where you got it wrong.
The whole point is
he doesn't go… Does he?
- All right.
- That's what makes it scary.
He does it ever so gently.
Like… He's like a dentist.
And that's why it's a head…
Because he's so…
Now, try it again, Steve.
I want you for this part.
You have a slight cavity there.
Just…
And then you get the oil of cloves.
- Yes, simple oil of cloves.
- But you do it very caringly.
- Very caringly.
- Simple oil of cloves.
It makes it so much better.
It's not safe, it's not safe.
It's very dangerous. Very dangerous.
What are you doing? You're drilling?
Yeah.
I'm light-headed.
Seriously.
Yeah, that was
actually quite good.
It was. I'll do it again.
And then, from deep inside
Dustin's mouth comes this…
- Oh.
- Comes this, comes this.
You have to get me out of here.
I'm a tiny tooth. I can't get out
of Dustin Hoffman's mouth.
Oh, my God! I'm a molar…
- Erm…
- … and I can't get out
of Dustin's mouth.
Who do you think you are?
Sitting there,
doing the silly man in a box,
and I've never
heard of this man in a box.
- Why are you doing that?
- Who are you?
- A man who's been dubbed afterwards.
- Oh.
Somebody get me
out of his mouth. I'm a molar.
- I need to get out of his mouth.
- Ugh. He thinks
he's some sort of wise guy,
that he's not.
I just don't know why you're dubbed.
I don't know.
Why are you a small man in a box?
It's a funny notion. I'm not…
- I'm a small tooth in a mouth.
- It's a funny notion that…
It's a funny notion that someone
might walk round
in real life being dubbed.
- In this instance…
- It makes sense.
In this instance…
- Why is this more…
- Because we're in a dental setting.
And a man's trapped in a box
why in the dentist?
A tooth is trapped in a mouth.
And the tooth talks?
Well, this is where your claim for logic
falls to the ground, Mr Rob Brydon.
There's no possible way
of offering an explanation for that.
Case dismissed.
Thank you. Ooh.
For you,
we have Orzo pasta with shrimps,
with a sweet wine from Limnos.
And for you, grilled apple jack
on risotto with shitake mushrooms.
- Thank you.
- Thank you very much.
- That's lovely.
- Mmm!
- Good?
- Mmm.
- High priestess of Delphi.
- Pythia.
She, er, said of Socrates
that he was the wisest man alive.
Socrates, of course,
was forced to kill himself.
Yeah. Imagine that,
to be actually forced…
You're gonna die…
- Yeah.
- … but you got to do it yourself.
- All right?
- Yeah, yeah. Mmm.
Choose your technique.
Choose your method.
- What would yours be?
- Erm, well…
Welcome
Steve Coogan on to the show.
- He killed himself by drinking hemlock.
- Yes, that's right.
But tonight,
on our very special Parkinson…
Steve Coogan on the show with us,
and he's gonna take his own life.
I know a lot of you
are very excited about this tonight,
but, Steve, which method
are you gonna choose?
He was tried and found guilty
of corrupting the youth of Athens.
Very appropriate for you tonight, Steve.
Which method are you gonna choose?
We have a lot of suggestions
from our viewers.
I wasn't corrupting
the youth, er, Michael,
I was simply encouraging young people
to question received wisdom,
to question the establishment,
to question…
- You've been found guilty…
- The misinformation
that is spoon-fed to them
by a media
that's controlled by five billionaires.
Instead of just lapping it up
like morons,
and regurgitating
the same distorted shit
that is fed to them by people
who try to propagate a system…
- Steve Coogan is with us.
- … that preserves…
- And if you've just tuned in…
- … a small amount of money
- in the hands of a few people…
- Steve, shut up.
- He's gonna be taking…
- Not letting them…
Steve, put a lid on it.
If you just joined us,
Steve Coogan is with us.
The wonderful Steve Coogan.
The Alan Partridge DVD now in the shops.
We said we'd mention that, and we have.
Er, Steve is gonna be taking
his own life on the show tonight.
So, Steve, let's look at some
of the methods you might go for.
What do you favour?
Seneca was forced by Nero
to kill himself,
and he slashed his wrists.
But it took so long to die,
he just got in a hot bath,
and his wife wanted to join him.
If you want your wife to come
and supervise…
Estranged wife, of course. But, erm,
I dare say she'd like to see it
just to be 100% sure,
we could arrange,
and have her here if you like.
What do you think
people in this restaurant think?
Because you've been doing that voice
for quite a few minutes now.
They think Michael Parkinson's
looking very well.
They don't, because they heard you
talking normally
before you started doing
the Michael voice.
- They must think…
- They probably thought the same
as when you tried
to do Laurence Olivier.
I only did it for about a minute,
you've been doing it for ages.
Somebody help me.
I can't get out of the mouth
of Dustin Hoffman.
I'm really stuck in here.
I'm a tiny tooth.
Who do you think you are?
You come in here
doing these stupid voices.
No one even cares who you are.
If you did a film about Socrates,
you'd had to have an Olivier.
A proper classically trained actor.
- You would not…
- I could do it.
No.
The BAFTA nominations
for Best Actor are,
Bradley Cooper, Christian Bale,
Rami Malek, Viggo Mortensen
and Steve Coogan, all right?
- That…
- Have you memorised it?
- Aw.
- No, I just remember the names.
So, Rob… Rob, Rob, Rob.
So, your contention
that I'm not a good actor
just evaporates in that one sentence.
I think you're a very, very good actor,
but you're never gonna play Socrates.
I've got as much
a claim to play Socrates
as any actor of my generation
once I get a little older,
like the actors of my generation.
I think you look old enough.
I just don't think you've got the…
Of course I have.
I think you know deep down.
I think you know deep down.
I mean, I will say, love,
casting… You know, casting Coogan.
I mean, I'm glad of the work.
Of course I am.
I'm playing a spear carrier,
and it's a lot of fun.
- But putting the comic…
- You are being yourself now, aren't you?
- Yes.
- The real Rob as the spear carrier?
- The real me.
- Right. If I was playing Socrates,
yes, it's likely
you'll be a spear carrier.
He's on his fucking mobile telephone,
his device all the time.
He's got his assistant
coming back and forth,
bringing him heaven knows what.
I mean, there are the different women
that he's approaching.
Very inappropriate.
Some of them young enough
to be not just his daughter,
but his granddaughter.
And please don't get me started
on his cars.
If I have to feign interest in his
fucking Aston Martin one more time…
Excuse me.
Could you move out of the way, please?
- Mr Coogan's coming through.
- Can all background artists
please move over to the side?
Good on you, Steve. I thought
you did that last scene ever so well.
- Hello. Eh, what's your name?
- Godfrey Manning.
Oh, really? Oh. Have you been
in the theatre a long time?
Yes. I started out with Joan Littlewood,
- I did several years at the National…
- Marvellous.
- Lot of touring.
- I've got to go now.
But it's great to have you here,
and, er…
And I hope
you enjoy, er, working with me.
Thank you, Steve. Good on you, mate.
And I loved Stan & Ollie.
What an absolute arse of a man.
The conceit of the man.
Can you keep it down, please?
Mr Coogan wants to run his lines.
He wants to run his lines?
I mean, I arrive on set,
I know my lines.
- Because you have one line.
- And here it is.
- Yes, My Lord.
- Yes.
And I say it with conviction.
You walked round your apartment
all night, didn't you?
- Yes.
- You walked round the hostel all night?
Yes, My Lord. It's not a hostel,
- it's a retirement home.
- Yes, My Lord.
Yes, My Lord. Yes, My Lord.
Well, that's the thing,
he doesn't know his lines.
You see, in his line of work,
he has them fed
into an earpiece, you see?
So, he has no training…
He's not even done theatre
like Brydon's done.
I mean, say what you like about Brydon,
he's worked at the Vic,
he's worked in the West End.
He's done it.
Oh, no, Coogan did do theatre.
- Yes.
- When was it? '96? '97?
- When was it?
- It's curious, isn't it,
you've done all that theatre,
and yet…
And yet, something's not…
Isn't quite…
Ah. Yeah.
Oh, well.
Yeah, but keep at it. Keep at it.
- Yeah.
- Thank you very much.
You're welcome, sir.
So, it's your first visit
in our hotel, sir?
- Er, first visit to this hotel, yes.
- Yeah.
But I've been to Athens
a couple of times before.
- Hello.
- Hello. How are you?
Nice to hear your voice.
Hey, Greg. How are you doing?
I'm doing good.
How are you?
Er, good, good. Yeah, great.
How's Rob?
Is he keeping you on your toes?
He's a very…
He's a very funny man.
Really does make me laugh.
Yes, he's very funny.
What… What can I do for you?
Is there any news
on the Damien Chazelle film?
Yes. Er, it's a no,
I'm afraid, from them.
You know what? They loved you.
They thought what you did
was absolutely fantastic.
I cried, and, er, I did the whole…
I mean, I did the whole bit.
Yeah. No, the crying was great.
They mentioned that.
They loved it.
Listen, I've had an idea.
Why don't you at the end of this,
which is Ithaca,
why don't you come out,
and you and I could have
a few days together?
Nice.
I wouldn't say it's nice,
I would say it's spectacular.
Have you read this?
Very good. Surprisingly moving.
Yes. Yes, I have.
You see Plato,
tell him he's a very good writer.
I will.
Come on. Time waits for no man.
Parthenon will be rammed.
The best thing about Socrates
was that he wasn't sentimental.
He had three sons,
but at his trial, he said,
"I'm not going to produce them here.
Beseech you to acquit me,"
which is in stark contrast
to the indulgent sentimentality
that we have these days.
He said, erm,
"Anyone who stages these pathetic scenes
"should be more likely to be condemned
than if he kept perfectly quiet".
"And now, it is time to be off.
"I to die, you to live.
"But which of us
has the happier prospect
"no one can know but God."
The jailer tells Socrates
it's time to take the hemlock.
"I have come to know during this time
"that you are the noblest, the gentlest,
"and the bravest of all the men
that have ever come here".
Socrates tells his friends
to get the hemlock.
Crito brings him the poison.
His friends began to cry.
Socrates began to walk round,
waiting for his legs to gain weight,
to become heavy.
He walked in a small circle.
Then, he came back and he lay down.
Lie down.
That's it. He covered his face.
The poison man checked his legs.
Ow!
- Can you feel that?
- No.
When it reaches Socrates' heart,
he shall die.
Crito, I think we should
offer up a cock to Asclepius.
See that it's done. Don't forget.
And those were his last words.
Very… Very poor last words,
I would say, for the greatest
philosopher of all time.
- Yes.
- Don't you think?
- Yes, I do.
- You got yours ready?
"Well, last words are for fools
who haven't said enough".
Karl Marx
"This is no way to live,"
Groucho Marx.
Beethoven said,
"Friends, applaud
for the comedy is finished".
That would work for you, wouldn't it?
Anyway, back to Socrates.
Lie down. Cover your face.
Beethoven wasn't really known
for comedy, though, was he?
Lie down.
Cover your face. Right.
The poison man pulled
the jersey off his face.
And Socrates' eyes were fixed
on the skies. Mouth agape.
The poison man
very gently shut the eyes,
closed the mouth, didn't touch the lips.
Nothing to worry about.
The bell's ringing. Brilliant.
"This, Echecrates,
was the end of our comrade,
"who was, we may fairly say,
"of all those
whom we knew in our time,
"the bravest, and also the wisest,
"and the most just".
That's it.
Quite moving, I think,
for people who've been watching.
We could take that round to schools.
I'd like to see you in something…
In something with a lot of weight to it.
I know you did, erm,
Night at the Museum,
but I mean, something that isn't…
I'm paying you a compliment.
Hurry, though.
- Come on, Granddad.
- Keep up!
Keep moving.
You okay?
You all right?
Katherine.
Katherine?
Oh, husband that I love,
why do you choose to give in
to such wild grief?
- Katherine!
- Farewell.
And do not fail
in your love for our son.
Ah.
- Morning.
- Said we'd leave at dawn.
- Look at that view.
- Yeah.
Rosy-fingered Dawn.
What Homer used to call it,
whenever he mentioned morning.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Rosy-fingered Dawn.
Ooh!
- Rosie fingered Dawn.
- Oh, I see.
- Yes.
- Yes.
Rosie and Dawn presumably live
on the island of Lesbos.
- Shut your face. Yes.
- Yes.
And I was up at the crack of Dawn.
- Ooh lucky old Dawn, oh.
- There's another one for you there.
So, how far did you run?
Er, 5K. Five kilometres.
That's not bad. More than three miles.
You seem quite out of breath, though.
It's very hilly.
And it's high upward. Very high.
Yeah. Did I tell you about the time
I was in New Mexico at 10,000 feet?
Yes, I'm going to get changed.
- Will you get me a cappuccino?
- Yeah.
You have to take more oxygen
to keep your red blood cell up,
that's the only way you can
avoid altitude sickness.
♪ I saw my problems
and I seen the light
♪ We got a lovin' thing
♪ We gotta treat it right
♪ There ain't no danger
we can go too far
♪ We start believin' now…
Are you singing Grease
because we're in Greece?
♪ Grease is the word
♪ They think our love
is just a growin' pain… ♪
You know that Grease
is not about the country Greece?
When I'm in Greece,
I hear the word "Greece",
I think Grease.
Yes, but it's not the same thing…
- It's a homophone. It's a homophone.
- No, no, no.
How dare you?
How dare you?
I'm not a homophone.
- I'm a heterosexualphone.
- I'm a hetero…
I'm not… I'm a human being.
- Erm, good evening.
- I'm not a homophone.
Erm, look, for me, Steve,
Greece is the word, yes.
It's the word that you heard.
It's got a groove, it's got a meaning.
Greece is the time,
it's the place, it's the motion.
Well, Greece is the way we're feeling.
Talk more about that. Expand on that.
Erm, do you know who wrote Grease?
Steve Coogan,
did you know who wrote Grease?
- No, I don't know.
- It was Barry Gibb.
I know who a lot of the writers
from ancient Greece are,
but I know that's not as important
to you as who wrote the song Grease.
It was written by Barry Gibb,
because Robert Stigwood,
the Bee Gees manager,
was producing the musical.
Now, the original stage musical,
of course,
it didn't have the song Grease.
Robbie said to Barry,
"We're enjoying such great such success
"with Saturday Night Fever
"and the old records."
- The Tragedy of…
- Do you know who wrote that…
Do you know who wrote
there's a friend to everyone,
there is a friend to no one?
Yes, Aristotle.
Now, let me tell you this…
- Only because I told you.
- No, I knew it already.
My God, Miss Jones.
You know more about, er,
these irrelevant things
like who wrote the song Grease
and these… These trivialities,
than anything to do with ancient Greece,
other than what I've spoon-fed you
over the last few days.
♪ Grease is the time
it's the place, it's the motion
♪ And Grease is the way we are feeling ♪
Here, we're very near Thermopylae,
where the Spartans fought the Persians.
- Yes. Wow!
- Did you know that?
- Thermopylae…
- Thermopylae was the Greek god
of board games.
You know, the Greeks thought
Delphi was the centre of the world,
literally the centre
of the Greek world.
- The navel, as it were?
- Yes, I think so.
And they had a… A cave.
Had a woman in a cave
sitting on a tripod,
with, erm, smoke coming up
underneath her.
And they believed
that it was the Goddess…
They'd have a prophet there
to interpret, because she would then…
The smoke would come up,
and she'd start going…
And, er, they'd have a prophet
to interpret what she was saying.
And the people believed
that it was Apollo
sending his words up in smoke
through her vagina
and out of her mouth.
And she was the priestess Pythia.
- What?
- Aren't you gonna make a joke about it?
No.
If I did, it wouldn't be
one of my pithier comments.
Ah, I knew there was something
lurking in there somewhere.
Probably where the phrase,
"Blowing smoke up your arse" comes from.
It was her vagina, not her arse.
I hope you know
the difference by now, Rob.
God help your wife.
I bet she doesn't know
which way to turn.
Now, this here is the stone
that Zeus dropped to signify
the centre of the world.
The navel of the world
just there.
Looks more like a clitoris though,
doesn't it?
It does though,
it looks more like a giant clit…
That's almost certainly deliberate.
It is a shrine to the female, to…
To Gaia, Mother Earth, the creative.
And, er, until, of course,
Apollo came along,
claimed all the credit for himself,
surprise, surprise.
- It was ever thus, the patriarchy, er…
- It's a lovely spot.
- … claiming credit…
- Very peaceful.
- Very spiritual, isn't it?
- Yeah.
Michelin-starred
Varoulko Seaside
in Piraeus, Athens,
is widely regarded
as Greece's top seafood restaurant.
Well, it's very nice, isn't it?
This is, er,
not what I expected of Athens.
I was thinking hot and dusty,
- not wet and cool.
- Well, this is exactly
what I expected of Athens
because lots of boats
because it was a naval power.
The Athenian navy defeated the Persians
in the Battle of Salamis.
- The Battle of Salamis?
- Yeah.
So are you gonna do something
about two guys with salamis
hitting each other on the head?
- Yeah.
- Or the fact that salami's
- a bit like cocks?
- Yeah, no,
- no, I wasn't gonna go there, but…
- Really?
Well, the Battle of Salamis…
a great Greek army, a bit gay.
Yeah, but the Battle of, erm,
Marathon not far from here,
that wasn't a naval battle, was it?
I didn't say all the battles
were naval.
And that's where we get
the marathon from.
- Yes.
- Because the guy, the soldier, came,
he ran from the battle at Marathon
all the way back to Athens.
And then, you won't know this…
- Yeah.
- … he dropped dead.
What did he shout just before he died?
He said, "I've got shooting pains
down my arm
"and sort of followed by
a crushing feeling
- "across my chest".
- No, no.
- Nike!
- What? Thank you very much.
- He shouted…
- Red mullet tartar
with bottarga powder and ouzo jellies.
- Thank you very much.
- An Athenian salad
from white grouper,
eggs and brioche crisp.
- Great. Thank you.
- Enjoy.
Thank you.
Er, he shouted Nike!
He had a sponsorship deal?
He wanted to thank the guys at Nike?
No, he shouted Nike
because Nike is the goddess of victory.
Yeah, there you go, Rob.
Goodbye, mullet,
- or as it's more commonly known…
- Mullet tartar.
There we go.
Have you ever run a marathon?
No, of course not, no.
- I have.
- Really?
If you died at the end of a marathon
I would gladly try and resuscitate you.
- You know, to the…
What are you doing,
waving goodbye to me?
No, I'm pressing your chest,
- to the rhythm of Staying Alive.
- That…
You don't do that. You don't…
That's patting someone on the back.
Arms together, elbows locked.
Push down. Thirty chest compressions.
Thirty.
And you count them.
One, two, three, four
- five, six, seven, eight…
- ♪ Staying alive, staying alive… ♪
… nine, ten. Do 30 of those.
♪ Steve's gonna die
Steve's gonna die… ♪
- Then two breaths.
- Yeah.
Pinch the nose, head back.
- Two breaths. Not your nose.
- What?
- The nose of the person…
- Sorry, sorry, sorry.
- Head back. Something under his neck.
- We've lost him.
What happened? We've lost him.
But I'm pinching my nose.
Not your nose, you idiot.
Well, it's 'cause you make
people laugh
while losing valuable seconds,
that would be good.
What if you found it funny
and you sprung back to life laughing?
Well, I'd…
I'd have to be conscious
for that to happen.
So, if I'm conscious,
then there's no need to resuscitate me.
- Doesn't make sense.
- I'm banging your chest…
- Can I break a rib?
- Two breaths, then 30 more.
One, two, three, four,
♪ Ah, ah, ah, ah
♪ Steve's gonna die, Steve's gonna die ♪
Yeah. And why…
Why do they say do it
to the beat of the Bee Gees? Why?
Because it's the
number of beats per minute it's…
- And how many beats per minute is it?
- One hundred and twenty.
- Yes.
- 'Cause that's the classic disco beat.
Yes, I know.
Then we've got a very dangerous area
because then it might be time
to try mouth-to-mouth,
and I would not be
comfortable with that.
I'm glad. I'm glad
you wouldn't be comfortable with it.
I would find it hard
to press my lips to yours.
I'm glad you wouldn't be comfortable
with it, 'cause I enjoy it more
when you don't enjoy it.
Marathon Man.
- Hoffman, Dustin Hoffman.
- Olivier.
- Very different actors.
- Olivier acts from the outside in.
He's not a method actor. Never was.
He likes to look in the mirror
and look like someone different.
And then make that
the basis of his character.
Whereas Dustin is…
Dustin would like that.
I think I'm quite like Dustin.
I'm a short actor like Dustin.
Yeah, well, that's Dustin Hoffman.
- Oh. Oh!
- Oh, yeah, Dustin.
Mrs Robinson,
are you trying to seduce me?
Are you trying to seduce me,
Mrs Robinson?
Mrs Robinson,
are you trying to seduce me?
Then, what did he choose next?
I'll tell you, Midnight Cowboy.
Why did he choose that?
John Schlesinger.
'Cause it was so different.
Who did he play?
- Ratso Rizzo.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Who was opposite him? Jon Voight.
- Jon Voight, yeah.
Jon Voight, the Trump supporter,
mad Trump supporter.
- We didn't know that then.
- Jon Voight says,
"Well, hell, I'm a hustler.
You didn't know that?"
Dustin says,
"Well, how am I supposed to know that?
You got to tell a person these things.
"I mean, I understand
a broad starts crying
"and I cut my heart out for her.
- "You need my friend O'Daniel."
- Can you do…
I haven't finished doing it yet.
You need my friend O'Daniel.
- He runs…
- Good. That's very good.
I still haven't finished.
You need my friend O'Daniel.
He runs the biggest…
Now I'm getting it wrong
'cause you jumped in my fricking way.
I'm walking here, I'm walking here.
Well, I'm talking here.
Let me finish this thing right now.
You need my friend O'Daniel.
He runs the biggest stable in the
whole goddamn metropolitan area.
It's crazy, a stud like you paying.
- And then there was Tootsie of course.
- I can do that.
Michael, nobody will employ you.
You play the tomato,
they went two days over
'cause you wouldn't sit down.
I'm a woman.
I don't like the way you speak to women.
If you say that again to me
I'm gonna knock your balls
right through the roof of your mouth.
- I'm not Dorothy Michaels.
- I'm not Dorothy Michaels.
I'm Michael Dorsey.
I'm an excellent driver.
Yeah, okay. Can you do…
Can you do
a Godzilla animation in a film?
- Kind of like the stop-frame animation.
- No.
I can. Watch.
- It's quite good, isn't it?
- I still prefer your Neil Kinnock.
- Erm…
- If I had to choose.
If I had to choose,
with a gun to my head.
And I can do dubbing in films
- where the voice doesn't match the…
- You've done this before.
I know. It's good, though. Watch.
- Are you gonna do it?
- Yeah. Erm…
Don't be ridiculous.
I've told you time and time again.
Every time you come here,
your voice doesn't suit you at all.
And when you lose your temper
it should be like this,
"Hey, you, you're a fool!"
Fair enough.
In the Marathon Man, of course,
you remember that story
about Dustin wanting to stay
in that scene where he says,
"Is it safe?" Remember?
- Is it safe?
- Is it safe?
- Is it safe?
- Dustin had to be
as if he'd been up all night.
So, I stayed up all night.
I went to Studio 54.
He came in all trashed,
and also sweating,
and Laurence Olivier said,
Why don't you try acting, dear boy?
Why don't you try acting?
Why don't you try…
Why don't you try acting, dear boy?
Why don't you try acting, dear boy?
Have you met my friend John Gielgud?
- Oh, I'm so very sorry.
- Oh, I'm so very sorry.
Do you know what he said when they…
John Gielgud… When they
decriminalised homosexuality…
Decriminalised it?
Yes, they have.
It's, Rob, fill your boots, mate.
Er, in 1967, they decriminalised it.
He went to London,
lent out of the taxi to the policemen,
"Arrest us, officer, we're poofs".
Is it safe?
I don't know.
- Is it safe?
- Yes, it's safe.
Yes, it's safe.
Yes, it's very, very safe.
Are you going to be both parts?
- Is it safe?
- It's safe. It's safe, yeah.
Does this hurt?
You have a cavity at the back.
This is where you got it wrong.
The whole point is
he doesn't go… Does he?
- All right.
- That's what makes it scary.
He does it ever so gently.
Like… He's like a dentist.
And that's why it's a head…
Because he's so…
Now, try it again, Steve.
I want you for this part.
You have a slight cavity there.
Just…
And then you get the oil of cloves.
- Yes, simple oil of cloves.
- But you do it very caringly.
- Very caringly.
- Simple oil of cloves.
It makes it so much better.
It's not safe, it's not safe.
It's very dangerous. Very dangerous.
What are you doing? You're drilling?
Yeah.
I'm light-headed.
Seriously.
Yeah, that was
actually quite good.
It was. I'll do it again.
And then, from deep inside
Dustin's mouth comes this…
- Oh.
- Comes this, comes this.
You have to get me out of here.
I'm a tiny tooth. I can't get out
of Dustin Hoffman's mouth.
Oh, my God! I'm a molar…
- Erm…
- … and I can't get out
of Dustin's mouth.
Who do you think you are?
Sitting there,
doing the silly man in a box,
and I've never
heard of this man in a box.
- Why are you doing that?
- Who are you?
- A man who's been dubbed afterwards.
- Oh.
Somebody get me
out of his mouth. I'm a molar.
- I need to get out of his mouth.
- Ugh. He thinks
he's some sort of wise guy,
that he's not.
I just don't know why you're dubbed.
I don't know.
Why are you a small man in a box?
It's a funny notion. I'm not…
- I'm a small tooth in a mouth.
- It's a funny notion that…
It's a funny notion that someone
might walk round
in real life being dubbed.
- In this instance…
- It makes sense.
In this instance…
- Why is this more…
- Because we're in a dental setting.
And a man's trapped in a box
why in the dentist?
A tooth is trapped in a mouth.
And the tooth talks?
Well, this is where your claim for logic
falls to the ground, Mr Rob Brydon.
There's no possible way
of offering an explanation for that.
Case dismissed.
Thank you. Ooh.
For you,
we have Orzo pasta with shrimps,
with a sweet wine from Limnos.
And for you, grilled apple jack
on risotto with shitake mushrooms.
- Thank you.
- Thank you very much.
- That's lovely.
- Mmm!
- Good?
- Mmm.
- High priestess of Delphi.
- Pythia.
She, er, said of Socrates
that he was the wisest man alive.
Socrates, of course,
was forced to kill himself.
Yeah. Imagine that,
to be actually forced…
You're gonna die…
- Yeah.
- … but you got to do it yourself.
- All right?
- Yeah, yeah. Mmm.
Choose your technique.
Choose your method.
- What would yours be?
- Erm, well…
Welcome
Steve Coogan on to the show.
- He killed himself by drinking hemlock.
- Yes, that's right.
But tonight,
on our very special Parkinson…
Steve Coogan on the show with us,
and he's gonna take his own life.
I know a lot of you
are very excited about this tonight,
but, Steve, which method
are you gonna choose?
He was tried and found guilty
of corrupting the youth of Athens.
Very appropriate for you tonight, Steve.
Which method are you gonna choose?
We have a lot of suggestions
from our viewers.
I wasn't corrupting
the youth, er, Michael,
I was simply encouraging young people
to question received wisdom,
to question the establishment,
to question…
- You've been found guilty…
- The misinformation
that is spoon-fed to them
by a media
that's controlled by five billionaires.
Instead of just lapping it up
like morons,
and regurgitating
the same distorted shit
that is fed to them by people
who try to propagate a system…
- Steve Coogan is with us.
- … that preserves…
- And if you've just tuned in…
- … a small amount of money
- in the hands of a few people…
- Steve, shut up.
- He's gonna be taking…
- Not letting them…
Steve, put a lid on it.
If you just joined us,
Steve Coogan is with us.
The wonderful Steve Coogan.
The Alan Partridge DVD now in the shops.
We said we'd mention that, and we have.
Er, Steve is gonna be taking
his own life on the show tonight.
So, Steve, let's look at some
of the methods you might go for.
What do you favour?
Seneca was forced by Nero
to kill himself,
and he slashed his wrists.
But it took so long to die,
he just got in a hot bath,
and his wife wanted to join him.
If you want your wife to come
and supervise…
Estranged wife, of course. But, erm,
I dare say she'd like to see it
just to be 100% sure,
we could arrange,
and have her here if you like.
What do you think
people in this restaurant think?
Because you've been doing that voice
for quite a few minutes now.
They think Michael Parkinson's
looking very well.
They don't, because they heard you
talking normally
before you started doing
the Michael voice.
- They must think…
- They probably thought the same
as when you tried
to do Laurence Olivier.
I only did it for about a minute,
you've been doing it for ages.
Somebody help me.
I can't get out of the mouth
of Dustin Hoffman.
I'm really stuck in here.
I'm a tiny tooth.
Who do you think you are?
You come in here
doing these stupid voices.
No one even cares who you are.
If you did a film about Socrates,
you'd had to have an Olivier.
A proper classically trained actor.
- You would not…
- I could do it.
No.
The BAFTA nominations
for Best Actor are,
Bradley Cooper, Christian Bale,
Rami Malek, Viggo Mortensen
and Steve Coogan, all right?
- That…
- Have you memorised it?
- Aw.
- No, I just remember the names.
So, Rob… Rob, Rob, Rob.
So, your contention
that I'm not a good actor
just evaporates in that one sentence.
I think you're a very, very good actor,
but you're never gonna play Socrates.
I've got as much
a claim to play Socrates
as any actor of my generation
once I get a little older,
like the actors of my generation.
I think you look old enough.
I just don't think you've got the…
Of course I have.
I think you know deep down.
I think you know deep down.
I mean, I will say, love,
casting… You know, casting Coogan.
I mean, I'm glad of the work.
Of course I am.
I'm playing a spear carrier,
and it's a lot of fun.
- But putting the comic…
- You are being yourself now, aren't you?
- Yes.
- The real Rob as the spear carrier?
- The real me.
- Right. If I was playing Socrates,
yes, it's likely
you'll be a spear carrier.
He's on his fucking mobile telephone,
his device all the time.
He's got his assistant
coming back and forth,
bringing him heaven knows what.
I mean, there are the different women
that he's approaching.
Very inappropriate.
Some of them young enough
to be not just his daughter,
but his granddaughter.
And please don't get me started
on his cars.
If I have to feign interest in his
fucking Aston Martin one more time…
Excuse me.
Could you move out of the way, please?
- Mr Coogan's coming through.
- Can all background artists
please move over to the side?
Good on you, Steve. I thought
you did that last scene ever so well.
- Hello. Eh, what's your name?
- Godfrey Manning.
Oh, really? Oh. Have you been
in the theatre a long time?
Yes. I started out with Joan Littlewood,
- I did several years at the National…
- Marvellous.
- Lot of touring.
- I've got to go now.
But it's great to have you here,
and, er…
And I hope
you enjoy, er, working with me.
Thank you, Steve. Good on you, mate.
And I loved Stan & Ollie.
What an absolute arse of a man.
The conceit of the man.
Can you keep it down, please?
Mr Coogan wants to run his lines.
He wants to run his lines?
I mean, I arrive on set,
I know my lines.
- Because you have one line.
- And here it is.
- Yes, My Lord.
- Yes.
And I say it with conviction.
You walked round your apartment
all night, didn't you?
- Yes.
- You walked round the hostel all night?
Yes, My Lord. It's not a hostel,
- it's a retirement home.
- Yes, My Lord.
Yes, My Lord. Yes, My Lord.
Well, that's the thing,
he doesn't know his lines.
You see, in his line of work,
he has them fed
into an earpiece, you see?
So, he has no training…
He's not even done theatre
like Brydon's done.
I mean, say what you like about Brydon,
he's worked at the Vic,
he's worked in the West End.
He's done it.
Oh, no, Coogan did do theatre.
- Yes.
- When was it? '96? '97?
- When was it?
- It's curious, isn't it,
you've done all that theatre,
and yet…
And yet, something's not…
Isn't quite…
Ah. Yeah.
Oh, well.
Yeah, but keep at it. Keep at it.
- Yeah.
- Thank you very much.
You're welcome, sir.
So, it's your first visit
in our hotel, sir?
- Er, first visit to this hotel, yes.
- Yeah.
But I've been to Athens
a couple of times before.
- Hello.
- Hello. How are you?
Nice to hear your voice.
Hey, Greg. How are you doing?
I'm doing good.
How are you?
Er, good, good. Yeah, great.
How's Rob?
Is he keeping you on your toes?
He's a very…
He's a very funny man.
Really does make me laugh.
Yes, he's very funny.
What… What can I do for you?
Is there any news
on the Damien Chazelle film?
Yes. Er, it's a no,
I'm afraid, from them.
You know what? They loved you.
They thought what you did
was absolutely fantastic.
I cried, and, er, I did the whole…
I mean, I did the whole bit.
Yeah. No, the crying was great.
They mentioned that.
They loved it.
Listen, I've had an idea.
Why don't you at the end of this,
which is Ithaca,
why don't you come out,
and you and I could have
a few days together?
Nice.
I wouldn't say it's nice,
I would say it's spectacular.
Have you read this?
Very good. Surprisingly moving.
Yes. Yes, I have.
You see Plato,
tell him he's a very good writer.
I will.
Come on. Time waits for no man.
Parthenon will be rammed.
The best thing about Socrates
was that he wasn't sentimental.
He had three sons,
but at his trial, he said,
"I'm not going to produce them here.
Beseech you to acquit me,"
which is in stark contrast
to the indulgent sentimentality
that we have these days.
He said, erm,
"Anyone who stages these pathetic scenes
"should be more likely to be condemned
than if he kept perfectly quiet".
"And now, it is time to be off.
"I to die, you to live.
"But which of us
has the happier prospect
"no one can know but God."
The jailer tells Socrates
it's time to take the hemlock.
"I have come to know during this time
"that you are the noblest, the gentlest,
"and the bravest of all the men
that have ever come here".
Socrates tells his friends
to get the hemlock.
Crito brings him the poison.
His friends began to cry.
Socrates began to walk round,
waiting for his legs to gain weight,
to become heavy.
He walked in a small circle.
Then, he came back and he lay down.
Lie down.
That's it. He covered his face.
The poison man checked his legs.
Ow!
- Can you feel that?
- No.
When it reaches Socrates' heart,
he shall die.
Crito, I think we should
offer up a cock to Asclepius.
See that it's done. Don't forget.
And those were his last words.
Very… Very poor last words,
I would say, for the greatest
philosopher of all time.
- Yes.
- Don't you think?
- Yes, I do.
- You got yours ready?
"Well, last words are for fools
who haven't said enough".
Karl Marx
"This is no way to live,"
Groucho Marx.
Beethoven said,
"Friends, applaud
for the comedy is finished".
That would work for you, wouldn't it?
Anyway, back to Socrates.
Lie down. Cover your face.
Beethoven wasn't really known
for comedy, though, was he?
Lie down.
Cover your face. Right.
The poison man pulled
the jersey off his face.
And Socrates' eyes were fixed
on the skies. Mouth agape.
The poison man
very gently shut the eyes,
closed the mouth, didn't touch the lips.
Nothing to worry about.
The bell's ringing. Brilliant.
"This, Echecrates,
was the end of our comrade,
"who was, we may fairly say,
"of all those
whom we knew in our time,
"the bravest, and also the wisest,
"and the most just".
That's it.
Quite moving, I think,
for people who've been watching.
We could take that round to schools.
I'd like to see you in something…
In something with a lot of weight to it.
I know you did, erm,
Night at the Museum,
but I mean, something that isn't…
I'm paying you a compliment.