The Trip (2010–…): Season 4, Episode 2 - Episode #4.2 - full transcript
Good morning.
- Morning.
- Morning.
So, here's the basket with breads.
- Thank you.
- Scrambled eggs for you.
Yes, please. Thank you very much.
- Thank you. Enjoy your breakfast.
- We will.
- Thank you.
- Look.
- Archbishop egg.
- Yeah.
I got five hours of sleep last night.
- Congratulations.
- Tossing and turning.
And it's not enough, I would say.
Five is fine. I could survive on five.
I think you think you can function…
I'm reading a book about sleep.
You need, a minimum,
of eight to nine hours' sleep.
You know what's going on
while you sleep?
You're not talking,
and your eyes are closed.
Neural pathways. Lots and lots
of stuff going on in the brain
that is essential
for healthy development.
You know, when a woman feels
her baby moving,
and she says, "Oh, he's busy,"
- that is a reaction to a dream…
- Oh, yeah?
… that the baby is having.
Did you know that?
When my dog dreams, it goes…
That's what…
That's what a baby's doing…
- All right.
- … in the womb.
It's the electric things
in the baby's head.
- What's it having a dream about?
- We don't know,
but he's dreaming.
And then, when a child is born,
- it…
- Johnny Mathis.
♪ A ray of hope
♪ Flickers in the sky ♪
I didn't know Johnny Mathis
was from Northern Ireland.
A ray of hope flickers in the sky.
Why don't I go and see
if they've got any spare rooms,
have a little sleep.
- Hour, two hours, just enough.
- All right.
Okay.
But, you know, we've got a long journey.
- Excuse me?
- Yes.
- Hello.
- Hello.
Do you have any, erm, rooms
just for a couple of hours
just so we could have a sleep?
Yes. One room?
- No, two rooms.
- Two rooms.
Yes, of course. I'll get the keys.
- Thank you. Brilliant.
- Welcome.
Thank you very much.
- Oh, it's beautiful.
- Yes, it is.
It was built by Muhammad Ali,
who was born in Cavalla,
and became King of Egypt
after he fought against Napoleon
with British.
So, here's the first room.
- Right. I'll take that one.
- Here's your key.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
It's funny. We were staying in Turkey,
in Assos, which, of course,
is a Greek town,
and then, here we are in Greece
staying in an Ottoman hotel.
Yes. It was
originally built as a school.
- Oh, really? Didn't know that.
- Yes. Yes.
And here is the hammam area
and the spa area that you can use.
- Great, great.
- And here is your key.
Oh, thank you.
And, if you need anything,
you can let us know.
Right back at ya.
- Thank you. Bye.
- Bye-bye.
Fuck, fuck. Fuckity fuck.
Too high, too high, too high.
That's like… Bloody hell!
Ow!
Oh, sorry.
Sorry.
This is not me.
All right? Did you sleep all right?
I didn't get a single minute.
I shouldn't have had coffee,
should I, with my…
Earlier on. Did you?
Uh, no, just caught up
with a bit of work.
But I'm fine.
Was that you, making all that noise
in the massage parlour?
- Could you hear me?
- Yeah.
- Very… Very clearly.
- It was horrible.
I had a man. Did you have a man?
No, of course not a man.
What'd you get a man for?
I had like a…
I didn't ask for a man,
I just had a man.
Brought back memories of the one
I had in Mallorca with Sally,
where the two of us
were gonna have a massage.
She went in first,
came out saying, "Oh, it was wonderful".
She was really firm.
I thought, "Lovely".
I went in.
Huge bloke. Huge.
He turns the lights down,
and then, there's a click.
And I hear this…
That's quite nice.
And then it went…
♪ That's all I wanted
♪ Something special, something sacred
♪ In your life
♪ Just for one moment
♪ To be warm and naked
♪ At your side
♪ I will be your father figure
♪ Put your tiny hand in mine
♪ I will be your preacher teacher
♪ Everything you have is mine ♪
I came out much more tense
than I went in.
That's beautifully sung, by the way.
That's actually, uh, very consistent
with the Greek idea
of the highest form of love,
which is the love
of a much more mature man
for an adolescent boy.
♪ I will be your father figure
♪ Put your tiny hand in mine
♪ I will be your preacher teacher
♪ Till the end of time ♪
- Do your George Michael.
- Erm…
Right, where are we going?
Better than yours, you must admit?
Oh, it was certainly different.
Where are we going?
Uh, so we start in Cavalla,
and then we're gonna drive
all the way around here,
past Mount Olympus,
home of the Greek Gods,
all the way to Pelion.
Uh, with a small diversion here
to Aristotle's birthplace.
That's a hell of a journey.
- Well…
- Who plans these?
Is this the Observer. I mean, seriously,
when we did the lakes,
it was pretty brief.
Italy was a bit longer,
Spain, we both agreed, was too far.
- Erm…
- This is…
Look, if we went by water to there…
Wouldn't you rather go by water?
- It would technically…
- That's gonna take us hours.
Yeah, I know. All right, okay.
Fair enough. Erm, I concede that point.
- I'm gonna call Emma.
- My chest has got…
- See if she's…
- … bare bits of exposed flesh on it,
and it's chafing against my…
On to answer phone. Unbelievable.
Hello.
I just tried to call the office,
it went to answer phone.
I mean, I've told you about this before.
There should be someone
manning the phones from 9:30 a.m.
It's unprofessional. People will think
I'm just some one-man band
in a bloody…
Running my office from a phone box.
It's 8:45.
You're two hours ahead in Greece.
Oh, right.
Okay, well, forget that. Okay, look,
the thing is,
the journey that I'd planned,
Rob's pointed out
that if we cut across by a boat,
then we would save a lot of time,
and it would be more like an odyssey,
so can you sort something out for us?
- Yes.
- Good. We're gonna leave now,
so you better get on it.
"Stagira is the birthplace of Aristotle.
"Stagira was besieged and destroyed
in 348 BC by Philip of Macedon.
"The inhabitants were enslaved.
Later, Philip rebuilt the city
"as a reward for Aristotle
being tutor to his son, Alexander".
- How much further is it?
- Uh, it's just around…
It's just to the top of this road.
Stone in my sandal again.
Come on.
What do you mean "come on"?
This is it.
This is the shrine to Aristotle.
Well, they imported his ashes back here,
especially to leave them here as a…
His hometown, you know.
It's not a lot to look at, is it?
You can see why they don't charge.
There'd be uproar.
Legoland costs a fortune,
but you get a lot for your money.
- Where will they put your ashes?
- Whoa!
I'd like my ashes to be
in the National Museum of Wales.
- Hello.
- Hi, Steve.
- Hey. How you doing?
- Hi. It's all sorted.
Oh, brilliant.
Drive down to a hotel called Danai Beach
which is where you'll have lunch.
And then, they have a boat
that can take you to Pelion.
- Hi, Emma.
- Brilliant.
- Oh, hi, Rob. How are you?
- Yeah, good, good.
Hey, good news. You're gonna land near
the village where they shot Mamma Mia!
Wonderful.
- I thought you'd like that.
- Why'd you tell him that?
Mamma Mia! 3, the Odyssey.
What's gonna happen to the Range Rover?
Someone from the hotel will drive
the Range Rover around for you,
and it will be waiting
when you get there, okay?
- Good. Thank you.
- Fantastic.
- Hey, you're an angel.
- You're a goddess.
Yes, ditto. So, bye. Bye.
Bye.
She is worth her weight in gold.
And she's like Goddess Athena
coming down from the heavens
- to help little Odysseus.
- Yep.
How you have hung on to her
all these years is a mystery.
Uh, it's not a mystery.
It's called cash, Rob.
I pay her 20,000 quid over the odds.
- But you get what you pay for.
- Mmm.
You know, you want to drive around
in a, uh, Nissan Primera,
fill your boots.
If you wanna drive around
in a Range Rover,
you gotta dish out the shekels.
Or get them to lend it to you.
Or do that, yeah.
- Mr Coogan.
- Yes, that's right.
- Hello. Welcome to Danai Beach Hotel.
- Thank you.
I'm gonna take your keys,
and I'm gonna meet you
across at the beach.
I didn't picture Macedonia like this.
I imagined it to be quite rugged.
I didn't think
it would be verdant and soft.
Well…
Excuse me.
- Starter, sir.
- Thank you.
- Oh, lovely.
- As a starter, we have
the mussels on smoked pine needles
with parmesan cheese, green asparagus,
a little bit of citrus
and espresso powder.
- Enjoy.
- Thank you, Mr Tim.
- My pleasure.
- Thank you.
Espresso powder dust,
that's, er, an ingredient
I wasn't expecting,
but it's also piqued my curiosity.
Let's have a little.
Mmm!
- Oh, that's, uh…
- Mmm.
- That's complex.
- That is absolutely divine.
People talk about Alexander the Great,
but overlook
all the psychotic tendencies he had.
With his mother,
he conspired to kill his father.
And then, after that,
he went on a killing spree,
rounding up all his half-siblings,
and cousins who might have
a legitimate claim to the throne,
and just ruthlessly
and horribly murdered them.
He was a gangster,
an old-fashioned gangster.
But we call him Alexander the Great.
They call me
great, but I'm actually just a gangster.
I'm gonna commit atrocious crimes.
I'm doing Marlon Brando.
I'm glad you flagged that up.
I'm gonna commit atrocious crimes.
I'm gonna behave despicably.
You need to make him more…
Give it more weight
when you speak like that.
Why don't you think…
You don't look like…
What are you doing? Let me hear.
It's like… He speaks like he has…
His cheeks were full of cotton wool.
- But they were full of cotton wool.
- I know.
But they weren't.
They were full of those things
that dentists used to shove
in the side of your mouth.
- Dental swab, a dental swab.
- A swab.
They don't use them any more
for some reason.
- Don't know why.
- They don't need them
because dentistry has advanced.
Dentistry has advanced.
We made a lot of
great strides in dentistry.
I know. Dentistry has advanced
quite a lot, actually.
That's… You know what?
I'd like to hire you, Aristotle,
to, uh, to educate my son.
I'd like you to teach him
a lot about philosophy.
I'm very flattered by the offer,
but I must say, I'm finding it very hard
to forget what you did to Stagira,
which was a smashing spot.
Well, you know what?
I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.
If you don't teach my son,
I'll rip your head out
and shove it down
your god damn fucking neck,
you two-bit dick sucking,
motherfucking asshole. Okay?
But he's essentially being a gangster.
Maybe in the East End of London.
It could be Ray Winstone.
- I want you to come and teach my boy.
- Ray Winstone, yeah.
I want you to teach him
post-Socratean philosophy.
- Ah. Good.
- All right?
- Yeah.
- Excellent. Crikey. Erm… Yes, um…
I don't know.
Is that Bob Hoskins or, or, erm…
- Ray Winstone?
- I think you're doing a generic
- cockney gangster.
- Ray, Ray…
How would you distinguish Ray Winstone?
When I bet, I bet sensibly.
- It's a bit deeper.
- A bit deeper, like that?
If you're gonna be teaching my boy,
Aristotle, right,
I don't want some
airy, fairy nonce coming here…
Thank you. Lovely.
- Very nice.
- Wonderful.
- Compliments to the chef. Very nice.
- I will, certainly.
Mr Tim.
- Thank you. Is that your Christian name?
- Yes, it is.
- Yes? Good, good.
- Ah.
- Mr Steve, Mr Rob.
- Nice to meet you.
- Hello.
- He won't know who Basil Brush is.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
Now, you listen to me,
I want to make sure
it's not just airy, fairy thinking.
It's not a great Ray Winstone.
- I lost a part to him, you know?
- What's…
- Seriously…
- Why would you…
That's what I thought.
I had a phone call.
"Go in, audition for Beowulf".
I said, "Which part?"
- They said, "Beowulf".
- Really?
I said, "You're not serious".
I said, "Surely his friend".
And my vanity got the better of me
because I thought…
Do you know what I found
myself thinking? Yeah.
"These people are seeing me
- "a little differently".
- Yeah.
- Seeing, yeah.
- They're seeing the Tom Cruise,
- the hero, they're seeing that in me.
- Yeah.
I went in, and I couldn't do it
with a straight face…
Because it's heroic lines.
I find heroic lines hard.
So, the line in this was something like,
"The sea was crimsoned with the blood
- "of our vanquished foes".
- Yeah.
Now, imagine me saying that.
You could hear Ray saying it.
The sea was red
with the blood of our vanquished foes.
- Yeah?
- I saw him do Henry VIII once,
which I thought was…
I mean, he's a great actor,
but I thought that was odd.
He gave him the cockney accent,
didn't he?
- Yeah.
- Yeah, he was Henry VIII
with a cockney accent. It was like,
I really fancy that Anne Boleyn,
but I've got this old trout on me back,
Catherine of Aragon.
Don't know what to do about it.
- Sire.
- I'm thinking of getting her.
I wanna bag her. I wanna bed her.
Sire, might I interrupt.
Your new palace, Hampton Court,
is ready, sir.
We've had the Jacuzzi put in.
Would you like to inspect it?
Fucking Pope's saying
I can't get a fucking divorce.
I'm saying, what about if I say,
"Well, I'm in charge.
"I'm the head of the Church".
How about that?
What would you think about that then?
How about I went around
all your monasteries
and fucking knocked
the shit out of them?
I mean, every single fucking one.
So, I fucking level them.
How about that, Mr fucking Pope?
Was everybody cockney in it
or were the
supporting characters normal?
- They seemed to be…
- They were just very normal?
Your Royal Highness, erm,
Anne Boleyn is waiting for you
in the antechamber, Your Royal Highness.
Shall I bring her through?
Yeah. Yeah, I've got a real boner, yeah.
I'm pleased to hear it,
Your Royal Highness.
And might I say, your…
One's royal boner is looking
- particularly majestic this morning.
- Cheers, cheers.
I really like her.
Take her to me chamber,
- or whatever you call it.
- Is sire speaking euphemistically?
What?
Why are you talking like a nonce?
Because I'm terrified of you, sir.
- Oh, all right.
- I'm not a nonce.
I'm not a nonce, sir. I'm not a nonce.
This is a room that has been put
around the court by Cromwell.
All right, all right. Whatever.
I really like Anne Boleyn.
She's nice. She likes you, sir.
She messes me around,
I'll chop her fucking head off.
Literally chop her fucking head off
- if she dicks me about.
- Sire.
I'll get a swordsman over from France.
- Oh, sire.
- She can kneel down,
- and he can do it across her.
- That speaks so clearly
of, of sire's class, sir.
To chop off milady's head
with a swordsman.
Yeah. Yeah, I like you,
you're a little bit, you know.
Oh, oh, sire.
Anyway, where's Anne Boleyn?
Where is she?
She's just readying herself, sire.
- She is sweet.
- Is there anyone else from the court
- you would like me to bring?
- She is very fucking tidy, Anne Boleyn.
Service.
- Erm…
- The second starter, gentlemen.
- Oh.
- We have langoustines
with fresh peas.
We have a little bit of yoghurt
mixed with mint,
and we have
some raspberries as well.
- Enjoy.
- Thank you.
Thank you, Mr Tim.
I just caught sight of my chin
in the reflective dome,
and, uh, it wasn't a flattering angle.
Right. Here we go.
Are you gonna put…
You put a bit
- of the strawberry on as well?
- Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.
Oh, goodness.
Nice. Lovely.
- It's great.
- Mmm.
I'll tell you where
Alexander the Great gets a mention,
is in, erm… You might not know this.
The Man Who Would Be King,
when they discover Sean Connery,
they think he is the son
of Alexander the Great.
- Oh, really?
- Because Alexander the Great said,
"One day, I will send you my son".
So, they spent…
Spends the whole of the film
pretending to be the son
of Alexander the Great.
Come, the son of Alexander the Great.
Please come, be our king.
I will rule you in a fair and even way.
Alexander has sent his son…
- Yes, that's right.
- … as the prophet's predicted.
Yes, that is correct.
And a man with a Scottish accent
to rule over us.
It is, uh… My father felt
that a Scottish accent
would lend an air of authority to it.
There's a man at the gate
who says he is a friend of yours.
Yeah, I told… I said… Oi!
I told him that I'm with you.
He is legitimate.
This is my friend, Michael.
Okay, let him in.
Yeah, thank you, actually.
You should have let me in
a lot earlier, actually.
I am the man who would be king…
No, Sean,
I am the man who would be king.
I am the man who would be king.
I!
- You are the friend of the man.
- I!
I am the man who would be bloody king!
I am the man who would be king.
I am the man who would be king.
- I… Am the man… Who would be king.
- I… Am the man… Who would be king.
I am the man who would be king.
Oh, here we go.
Hello.
I don't like seeing my chin
in this dome.
Dessert.
Gentlemen, we have the almond crumble
with yuzu cream, fresh citrus,
and blood orange on top of that.
- Enjoy.
- Thank you.
- Thank you very much.
- My pleasure.
Come on, service.
Who would you be
if you could be a Greek God?
Which God would you be?
- I have been cast as a Greek God.
- When?
I played Hades in Percy Jackson
and the Lightning Thief.
Yes, in Percy Jackson
and the Lightning Thief. Yes.
- They made more of those films.
- Hmm. Mmm.
What happened to Hades?
They just didn't invite me back.
Oh, hold on.
Hello, Joe. Joe?
- Hey, Dad. How are you?
- Good, good.
What's going on?
Erm, granddad's in the hospital again.
- What?
- Yeah.
Erm, so, yeah, I've been to see him.
He seems okay.
Okay. So,
it's the same thing as before?
Yeah, yeah, same thing as before.
It's, uh…
It's all routine.
They're doing some tests.
- Your check, sir.
- Oh, thank you very much.
- Did you like the dessert?
- Yeah, it's lovely.
I can't eat citrus
so I had to leave it. Thank you.
Erm, I'm glad you're there.
- I'm at Mum's, actually.
- Okay.
Philip's moved out.
He's… He's left her, so…
- Philip?
- Yeah, Philip, her partner.
- Her boyfriend.
- Oh, yeah.
He's lived with her for two years.
Yeah. Yeah, I think I met him. Yeah.
Very good evening to you.
And welcome to this very special
Greek edition of Guess the Bill,
coming to you from the beautiful
Greek island of beach,
here in the northernmost part
of southern Greece.
And joining us to play tonight
is our returning champion
from Pedantry in the north of England
is Steven Coogan.
- Steve, good evening.
- Oh, hello.
Erm, if you need me to come back,
just let me know.
I'll jump on a plane. All right?
- Okay. I love you.
- Love you, too, Dad.
- Okay.
- Bye-bye.
And the wonderful
thing about you, Steve,
is you never pick another person up
on what they're doing.
No, it would, literally, never occur.
Oh! Here he is…
… the man himself, Steven.
On this beautiful beachside setting,
would you like the play Guess the Bill?
Not really, no.
All right. It's €307.
Really gives you an idea of
what it would be like to be a refugee.
Yeah.
Oh, well done.
The route to the hotel does take in
an ABBA village from Mamma Mia!
We should go and stop there for a bit.
- Really?
- Yes, really.
♪ Knowing me, knowing you
♪ There is nothing we can do
♪ Knowing me, knowing you
♪ We just have to face it
♪ This time we're through
♪ Breaking up is never easy
♪ I know, but I have to go
♪ Knowing me, knowing you
It's the best I can do ♪
Stick to the melody
if you're gonna do it.
I'm just, kind of… I'm going.
I'm syncopating.
- ♪ Knowing me, knowing you
- ♪ A-ha
♪ There is nothing we can do ♪
That is gorgeous though. Yeah?
Yep.
Just imagine, Colin Firth
may well have sat at this table.
- I'm serious.
- I believe you.
- Ah.
- Sorry.
- Beautiful bay.
- Yes, yes.
Is that the Mamma Mia! bay
where they did Dancing Queen?
Yes, yes. We have many memories.
I was saying to my friend
I'm sure this place was here
a long time before Mamma Mia!
Oh, my grandfather stay here.
Your… So two generations before.
Thank you. Did, erm, Meryl Streep
come to the restaurant?
- Every night.
- Every night?
This table, yes.
- This? Seriously this table?
- Yes, yes!
- This table!
- Yes, yes.
Have you got any, erm, photos of it
or anything like that?
- Yes, photos.
- Photos.
- Oh, yes.
- Lovely. Okay. Do you want to see
- the photos of Mamma Mia!?
- Why don't you go inside and see,
and then you can tell me
about it afterwards.
Fuck!
Oh, wow! Oh.
- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, fantastic.
- Many memories, yes.
- Meryl Streep there.
- Yes, yes.
- Oh, there you are with her.
- Yes, with my mother, yes.
You gotta go and see that.
They've got a shrine.
They've got up pictures of all the cast,
and there's a picture of Meryl Streep
with her arms around the owners.
I had my photo taken in front of it.
You had… You had your photo taken
with a photo of Meryl Streep?
Yeah.
Not just a photo of Meryl Streep,
a photo of Meryl Streep
in the restaurant
where they did Mamma Mia!
That's the bit there,
you know, when they jump off the jetty,
- and she bombs.
- Yeah.
She does the bomb.
You're very familiar with bombing,
aren't you?
I'm…
Good, good. It's hurtful,
it's spiky, and it undermines.
And it's an accessible pun… Moreover.
Pierce Brosnan sat at this table
as well. There's a picture of him here.
Big deal. I've been in a film
with Pierce Brosnan.
- I know you have.
- A film about Greek mythology.
I went to the Acropolis
with Pierce Brosnan.
Did Pierce Brosnan
take you up the Acropolis?
I don't know how that works
as a sexual innuendo,
but if you like, yes, he did.
- Did he?
- Yeah.
- Good Lord.
- Erm… And, erm…
I did and I can't say
it was a very
enjoyable experience, it wasn't.
I went up
the Acropolis with Steve Coogan
to promote
Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief.
Lightning Thief.
Teach me how to do it, Steve.
- The name's Bond. James Bond.
- The name's Bond. James Bond.
007. License to kill.
- License to kill. My name's Bond.
- Quite well spoken. No.
You're not letting me finish.
- Just let me do it.
- You never do finish.
- Let me…
- That's the reason. If I don't get in
- when there's a slight sliver…
- But there wasn't.
You haven't heard me do
one single phrase
as Pierce Brosnan uninterrupted.
- I have over the years.
- Just a phrase.
No, but now.
Listen, you asked me how to do it.
- Okay.
- You want to know how to do it?
Be quiet.
Listen to how I do it, then repeat it.
Don't start doing it
before I finish speaking.
- Beep.
- Okay.
Linguaphone. Pierce Brosnan,
- lesson one.
- You're doing it again.
- Beep.
- You're doing it again.
Listen and repeat.
Are you going to keep
talking over it or not?
Is that a no?
Okay, yes, it's a no?
- Hey, Chloe, it's Daddy.
- Hi.
Hi. How are you?
- Good.
- Good. What are you up to?
Just watching some stuff on my iPad.
Why don't you come back to LA?
You can move in with me.
Maybe.
Come on. We have a good time, don't we?
- Everybody loves you around here.
- Do they?
Let me have a quick word with Charlie,
and then, I'll speak to Mum.
Where is Charlie Farley?
Charlie isn't here.
He's sleeping right now.
All right, then, let me speak
straight to mummy then, darling,
and I'll talk to you again tomorrow.
She's not here.
She's not there as well? Where is she?
Erm, the theatre.
Mummy's at the theatre?
What's she gone to see at the theatre?
I don't know.
And who did she go with?
I don't know that either.
But you know she's gone to the theatre?
- Yes.
- Ah.
Oh, all right.
Uh, well, in that case,
I'll have to speak to her tomorrow.
I've just got to sort…
Sort some stuff out here first.
Yeah.
Uh, but, yeah, keep a… Keep a…
Yeah.
Keep the bed warm for me.
- Morning.
- Morning.
So, here's the basket with breads.
- Thank you.
- Scrambled eggs for you.
Yes, please. Thank you very much.
- Thank you. Enjoy your breakfast.
- We will.
- Thank you.
- Look.
- Archbishop egg.
- Yeah.
I got five hours of sleep last night.
- Congratulations.
- Tossing and turning.
And it's not enough, I would say.
Five is fine. I could survive on five.
I think you think you can function…
I'm reading a book about sleep.
You need, a minimum,
of eight to nine hours' sleep.
You know what's going on
while you sleep?
You're not talking,
and your eyes are closed.
Neural pathways. Lots and lots
of stuff going on in the brain
that is essential
for healthy development.
You know, when a woman feels
her baby moving,
and she says, "Oh, he's busy,"
- that is a reaction to a dream…
- Oh, yeah?
… that the baby is having.
Did you know that?
When my dog dreams, it goes…
That's what…
That's what a baby's doing…
- All right.
- … in the womb.
It's the electric things
in the baby's head.
- What's it having a dream about?
- We don't know,
but he's dreaming.
And then, when a child is born,
- it…
- Johnny Mathis.
♪ A ray of hope
♪ Flickers in the sky ♪
I didn't know Johnny Mathis
was from Northern Ireland.
A ray of hope flickers in the sky.
Why don't I go and see
if they've got any spare rooms,
have a little sleep.
- Hour, two hours, just enough.
- All right.
Okay.
But, you know, we've got a long journey.
- Excuse me?
- Yes.
- Hello.
- Hello.
Do you have any, erm, rooms
just for a couple of hours
just so we could have a sleep?
Yes. One room?
- No, two rooms.
- Two rooms.
Yes, of course. I'll get the keys.
- Thank you. Brilliant.
- Welcome.
Thank you very much.
- Oh, it's beautiful.
- Yes, it is.
It was built by Muhammad Ali,
who was born in Cavalla,
and became King of Egypt
after he fought against Napoleon
with British.
So, here's the first room.
- Right. I'll take that one.
- Here's your key.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
It's funny. We were staying in Turkey,
in Assos, which, of course,
is a Greek town,
and then, here we are in Greece
staying in an Ottoman hotel.
Yes. It was
originally built as a school.
- Oh, really? Didn't know that.
- Yes. Yes.
And here is the hammam area
and the spa area that you can use.
- Great, great.
- And here is your key.
Oh, thank you.
And, if you need anything,
you can let us know.
Right back at ya.
- Thank you. Bye.
- Bye-bye.
Fuck, fuck. Fuckity fuck.
Too high, too high, too high.
That's like… Bloody hell!
Ow!
Oh, sorry.
Sorry.
This is not me.
All right? Did you sleep all right?
I didn't get a single minute.
I shouldn't have had coffee,
should I, with my…
Earlier on. Did you?
Uh, no, just caught up
with a bit of work.
But I'm fine.
Was that you, making all that noise
in the massage parlour?
- Could you hear me?
- Yeah.
- Very… Very clearly.
- It was horrible.
I had a man. Did you have a man?
No, of course not a man.
What'd you get a man for?
I had like a…
I didn't ask for a man,
I just had a man.
Brought back memories of the one
I had in Mallorca with Sally,
where the two of us
were gonna have a massage.
She went in first,
came out saying, "Oh, it was wonderful".
She was really firm.
I thought, "Lovely".
I went in.
Huge bloke. Huge.
He turns the lights down,
and then, there's a click.
And I hear this…
That's quite nice.
And then it went…
♪ That's all I wanted
♪ Something special, something sacred
♪ In your life
♪ Just for one moment
♪ To be warm and naked
♪ At your side
♪ I will be your father figure
♪ Put your tiny hand in mine
♪ I will be your preacher teacher
♪ Everything you have is mine ♪
I came out much more tense
than I went in.
That's beautifully sung, by the way.
That's actually, uh, very consistent
with the Greek idea
of the highest form of love,
which is the love
of a much more mature man
for an adolescent boy.
♪ I will be your father figure
♪ Put your tiny hand in mine
♪ I will be your preacher teacher
♪ Till the end of time ♪
- Do your George Michael.
- Erm…
Right, where are we going?
Better than yours, you must admit?
Oh, it was certainly different.
Where are we going?
Uh, so we start in Cavalla,
and then we're gonna drive
all the way around here,
past Mount Olympus,
home of the Greek Gods,
all the way to Pelion.
Uh, with a small diversion here
to Aristotle's birthplace.
That's a hell of a journey.
- Well…
- Who plans these?
Is this the Observer. I mean, seriously,
when we did the lakes,
it was pretty brief.
Italy was a bit longer,
Spain, we both agreed, was too far.
- Erm…
- This is…
Look, if we went by water to there…
Wouldn't you rather go by water?
- It would technically…
- That's gonna take us hours.
Yeah, I know. All right, okay.
Fair enough. Erm, I concede that point.
- I'm gonna call Emma.
- My chest has got…
- See if she's…
- … bare bits of exposed flesh on it,
and it's chafing against my…
On to answer phone. Unbelievable.
Hello.
I just tried to call the office,
it went to answer phone.
I mean, I've told you about this before.
There should be someone
manning the phones from 9:30 a.m.
It's unprofessional. People will think
I'm just some one-man band
in a bloody…
Running my office from a phone box.
It's 8:45.
You're two hours ahead in Greece.
Oh, right.
Okay, well, forget that. Okay, look,
the thing is,
the journey that I'd planned,
Rob's pointed out
that if we cut across by a boat,
then we would save a lot of time,
and it would be more like an odyssey,
so can you sort something out for us?
- Yes.
- Good. We're gonna leave now,
so you better get on it.
"Stagira is the birthplace of Aristotle.
"Stagira was besieged and destroyed
in 348 BC by Philip of Macedon.
"The inhabitants were enslaved.
Later, Philip rebuilt the city
"as a reward for Aristotle
being tutor to his son, Alexander".
- How much further is it?
- Uh, it's just around…
It's just to the top of this road.
Stone in my sandal again.
Come on.
What do you mean "come on"?
This is it.
This is the shrine to Aristotle.
Well, they imported his ashes back here,
especially to leave them here as a…
His hometown, you know.
It's not a lot to look at, is it?
You can see why they don't charge.
There'd be uproar.
Legoland costs a fortune,
but you get a lot for your money.
- Where will they put your ashes?
- Whoa!
I'd like my ashes to be
in the National Museum of Wales.
- Hello.
- Hi, Steve.
- Hey. How you doing?
- Hi. It's all sorted.
Oh, brilliant.
Drive down to a hotel called Danai Beach
which is where you'll have lunch.
And then, they have a boat
that can take you to Pelion.
- Hi, Emma.
- Brilliant.
- Oh, hi, Rob. How are you?
- Yeah, good, good.
Hey, good news. You're gonna land near
the village where they shot Mamma Mia!
Wonderful.
- I thought you'd like that.
- Why'd you tell him that?
Mamma Mia! 3, the Odyssey.
What's gonna happen to the Range Rover?
Someone from the hotel will drive
the Range Rover around for you,
and it will be waiting
when you get there, okay?
- Good. Thank you.
- Fantastic.
- Hey, you're an angel.
- You're a goddess.
Yes, ditto. So, bye. Bye.
Bye.
She is worth her weight in gold.
And she's like Goddess Athena
coming down from the heavens
- to help little Odysseus.
- Yep.
How you have hung on to her
all these years is a mystery.
Uh, it's not a mystery.
It's called cash, Rob.
I pay her 20,000 quid over the odds.
- But you get what you pay for.
- Mmm.
You know, you want to drive around
in a, uh, Nissan Primera,
fill your boots.
If you wanna drive around
in a Range Rover,
you gotta dish out the shekels.
Or get them to lend it to you.
Or do that, yeah.
- Mr Coogan.
- Yes, that's right.
- Hello. Welcome to Danai Beach Hotel.
- Thank you.
I'm gonna take your keys,
and I'm gonna meet you
across at the beach.
I didn't picture Macedonia like this.
I imagined it to be quite rugged.
I didn't think
it would be verdant and soft.
Well…
Excuse me.
- Starter, sir.
- Thank you.
- Oh, lovely.
- As a starter, we have
the mussels on smoked pine needles
with parmesan cheese, green asparagus,
a little bit of citrus
and espresso powder.
- Enjoy.
- Thank you, Mr Tim.
- My pleasure.
- Thank you.
Espresso powder dust,
that's, er, an ingredient
I wasn't expecting,
but it's also piqued my curiosity.
Let's have a little.
Mmm!
- Oh, that's, uh…
- Mmm.
- That's complex.
- That is absolutely divine.
People talk about Alexander the Great,
but overlook
all the psychotic tendencies he had.
With his mother,
he conspired to kill his father.
And then, after that,
he went on a killing spree,
rounding up all his half-siblings,
and cousins who might have
a legitimate claim to the throne,
and just ruthlessly
and horribly murdered them.
He was a gangster,
an old-fashioned gangster.
But we call him Alexander the Great.
They call me
great, but I'm actually just a gangster.
I'm gonna commit atrocious crimes.
I'm doing Marlon Brando.
I'm glad you flagged that up.
I'm gonna commit atrocious crimes.
I'm gonna behave despicably.
You need to make him more…
Give it more weight
when you speak like that.
Why don't you think…
You don't look like…
What are you doing? Let me hear.
It's like… He speaks like he has…
His cheeks were full of cotton wool.
- But they were full of cotton wool.
- I know.
But they weren't.
They were full of those things
that dentists used to shove
in the side of your mouth.
- Dental swab, a dental swab.
- A swab.
They don't use them any more
for some reason.
- Don't know why.
- They don't need them
because dentistry has advanced.
Dentistry has advanced.
We made a lot of
great strides in dentistry.
I know. Dentistry has advanced
quite a lot, actually.
That's… You know what?
I'd like to hire you, Aristotle,
to, uh, to educate my son.
I'd like you to teach him
a lot about philosophy.
I'm very flattered by the offer,
but I must say, I'm finding it very hard
to forget what you did to Stagira,
which was a smashing spot.
Well, you know what?
I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.
If you don't teach my son,
I'll rip your head out
and shove it down
your god damn fucking neck,
you two-bit dick sucking,
motherfucking asshole. Okay?
But he's essentially being a gangster.
Maybe in the East End of London.
It could be Ray Winstone.
- I want you to come and teach my boy.
- Ray Winstone, yeah.
I want you to teach him
post-Socratean philosophy.
- Ah. Good.
- All right?
- Yeah.
- Excellent. Crikey. Erm… Yes, um…
I don't know.
Is that Bob Hoskins or, or, erm…
- Ray Winstone?
- I think you're doing a generic
- cockney gangster.
- Ray, Ray…
How would you distinguish Ray Winstone?
When I bet, I bet sensibly.
- It's a bit deeper.
- A bit deeper, like that?
If you're gonna be teaching my boy,
Aristotle, right,
I don't want some
airy, fairy nonce coming here…
Thank you. Lovely.
- Very nice.
- Wonderful.
- Compliments to the chef. Very nice.
- I will, certainly.
Mr Tim.
- Thank you. Is that your Christian name?
- Yes, it is.
- Yes? Good, good.
- Ah.
- Mr Steve, Mr Rob.
- Nice to meet you.
- Hello.
- He won't know who Basil Brush is.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
Now, you listen to me,
I want to make sure
it's not just airy, fairy thinking.
It's not a great Ray Winstone.
- I lost a part to him, you know?
- What's…
- Seriously…
- Why would you…
That's what I thought.
I had a phone call.
"Go in, audition for Beowulf".
I said, "Which part?"
- They said, "Beowulf".
- Really?
I said, "You're not serious".
I said, "Surely his friend".
And my vanity got the better of me
because I thought…
Do you know what I found
myself thinking? Yeah.
"These people are seeing me
- "a little differently".
- Yeah.
- Seeing, yeah.
- They're seeing the Tom Cruise,
- the hero, they're seeing that in me.
- Yeah.
I went in, and I couldn't do it
with a straight face…
Because it's heroic lines.
I find heroic lines hard.
So, the line in this was something like,
"The sea was crimsoned with the blood
- "of our vanquished foes".
- Yeah.
Now, imagine me saying that.
You could hear Ray saying it.
The sea was red
with the blood of our vanquished foes.
- Yeah?
- I saw him do Henry VIII once,
which I thought was…
I mean, he's a great actor,
but I thought that was odd.
He gave him the cockney accent,
didn't he?
- Yeah.
- Yeah, he was Henry VIII
with a cockney accent. It was like,
I really fancy that Anne Boleyn,
but I've got this old trout on me back,
Catherine of Aragon.
Don't know what to do about it.
- Sire.
- I'm thinking of getting her.
I wanna bag her. I wanna bed her.
Sire, might I interrupt.
Your new palace, Hampton Court,
is ready, sir.
We've had the Jacuzzi put in.
Would you like to inspect it?
Fucking Pope's saying
I can't get a fucking divorce.
I'm saying, what about if I say,
"Well, I'm in charge.
"I'm the head of the Church".
How about that?
What would you think about that then?
How about I went around
all your monasteries
and fucking knocked
the shit out of them?
I mean, every single fucking one.
So, I fucking level them.
How about that, Mr fucking Pope?
Was everybody cockney in it
or were the
supporting characters normal?
- They seemed to be…
- They were just very normal?
Your Royal Highness, erm,
Anne Boleyn is waiting for you
in the antechamber, Your Royal Highness.
Shall I bring her through?
Yeah. Yeah, I've got a real boner, yeah.
I'm pleased to hear it,
Your Royal Highness.
And might I say, your…
One's royal boner is looking
- particularly majestic this morning.
- Cheers, cheers.
I really like her.
Take her to me chamber,
- or whatever you call it.
- Is sire speaking euphemistically?
What?
Why are you talking like a nonce?
Because I'm terrified of you, sir.
- Oh, all right.
- I'm not a nonce.
I'm not a nonce, sir. I'm not a nonce.
This is a room that has been put
around the court by Cromwell.
All right, all right. Whatever.
I really like Anne Boleyn.
She's nice. She likes you, sir.
She messes me around,
I'll chop her fucking head off.
Literally chop her fucking head off
- if she dicks me about.
- Sire.
I'll get a swordsman over from France.
- Oh, sire.
- She can kneel down,
- and he can do it across her.
- That speaks so clearly
of, of sire's class, sir.
To chop off milady's head
with a swordsman.
Yeah. Yeah, I like you,
you're a little bit, you know.
Oh, oh, sire.
Anyway, where's Anne Boleyn?
Where is she?
She's just readying herself, sire.
- She is sweet.
- Is there anyone else from the court
- you would like me to bring?
- She is very fucking tidy, Anne Boleyn.
Service.
- Erm…
- The second starter, gentlemen.
- Oh.
- We have langoustines
with fresh peas.
We have a little bit of yoghurt
mixed with mint,
and we have
some raspberries as well.
- Enjoy.
- Thank you.
Thank you, Mr Tim.
I just caught sight of my chin
in the reflective dome,
and, uh, it wasn't a flattering angle.
Right. Here we go.
Are you gonna put…
You put a bit
- of the strawberry on as well?
- Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.
Oh, goodness.
Nice. Lovely.
- It's great.
- Mmm.
I'll tell you where
Alexander the Great gets a mention,
is in, erm… You might not know this.
The Man Who Would Be King,
when they discover Sean Connery,
they think he is the son
of Alexander the Great.
- Oh, really?
- Because Alexander the Great said,
"One day, I will send you my son".
So, they spent…
Spends the whole of the film
pretending to be the son
of Alexander the Great.
Come, the son of Alexander the Great.
Please come, be our king.
I will rule you in a fair and even way.
Alexander has sent his son…
- Yes, that's right.
- … as the prophet's predicted.
Yes, that is correct.
And a man with a Scottish accent
to rule over us.
It is, uh… My father felt
that a Scottish accent
would lend an air of authority to it.
There's a man at the gate
who says he is a friend of yours.
Yeah, I told… I said… Oi!
I told him that I'm with you.
He is legitimate.
This is my friend, Michael.
Okay, let him in.
Yeah, thank you, actually.
You should have let me in
a lot earlier, actually.
I am the man who would be king…
No, Sean,
I am the man who would be king.
I am the man who would be king.
I!
- You are the friend of the man.
- I!
I am the man who would be bloody king!
I am the man who would be king.
I am the man who would be king.
- I… Am the man… Who would be king.
- I… Am the man… Who would be king.
I am the man who would be king.
Oh, here we go.
Hello.
I don't like seeing my chin
in this dome.
Dessert.
Gentlemen, we have the almond crumble
with yuzu cream, fresh citrus,
and blood orange on top of that.
- Enjoy.
- Thank you.
- Thank you very much.
- My pleasure.
Come on, service.
Who would you be
if you could be a Greek God?
Which God would you be?
- I have been cast as a Greek God.
- When?
I played Hades in Percy Jackson
and the Lightning Thief.
Yes, in Percy Jackson
and the Lightning Thief. Yes.
- They made more of those films.
- Hmm. Mmm.
What happened to Hades?
They just didn't invite me back.
Oh, hold on.
Hello, Joe. Joe?
- Hey, Dad. How are you?
- Good, good.
What's going on?
Erm, granddad's in the hospital again.
- What?
- Yeah.
Erm, so, yeah, I've been to see him.
He seems okay.
Okay. So,
it's the same thing as before?
Yeah, yeah, same thing as before.
It's, uh…
It's all routine.
They're doing some tests.
- Your check, sir.
- Oh, thank you very much.
- Did you like the dessert?
- Yeah, it's lovely.
I can't eat citrus
so I had to leave it. Thank you.
Erm, I'm glad you're there.
- I'm at Mum's, actually.
- Okay.
Philip's moved out.
He's… He's left her, so…
- Philip?
- Yeah, Philip, her partner.
- Her boyfriend.
- Oh, yeah.
He's lived with her for two years.
Yeah. Yeah, I think I met him. Yeah.
Very good evening to you.
And welcome to this very special
Greek edition of Guess the Bill,
coming to you from the beautiful
Greek island of beach,
here in the northernmost part
of southern Greece.
And joining us to play tonight
is our returning champion
from Pedantry in the north of England
is Steven Coogan.
- Steve, good evening.
- Oh, hello.
Erm, if you need me to come back,
just let me know.
I'll jump on a plane. All right?
- Okay. I love you.
- Love you, too, Dad.
- Okay.
- Bye-bye.
And the wonderful
thing about you, Steve,
is you never pick another person up
on what they're doing.
No, it would, literally, never occur.
Oh! Here he is…
… the man himself, Steven.
On this beautiful beachside setting,
would you like the play Guess the Bill?
Not really, no.
All right. It's €307.
Really gives you an idea of
what it would be like to be a refugee.
Yeah.
Oh, well done.
The route to the hotel does take in
an ABBA village from Mamma Mia!
We should go and stop there for a bit.
- Really?
- Yes, really.
♪ Knowing me, knowing you
♪ There is nothing we can do
♪ Knowing me, knowing you
♪ We just have to face it
♪ This time we're through
♪ Breaking up is never easy
♪ I know, but I have to go
♪ Knowing me, knowing you
It's the best I can do ♪
Stick to the melody
if you're gonna do it.
I'm just, kind of… I'm going.
I'm syncopating.
- ♪ Knowing me, knowing you
- ♪ A-ha
♪ There is nothing we can do ♪
That is gorgeous though. Yeah?
Yep.
Just imagine, Colin Firth
may well have sat at this table.
- I'm serious.
- I believe you.
- Ah.
- Sorry.
- Beautiful bay.
- Yes, yes.
Is that the Mamma Mia! bay
where they did Dancing Queen?
Yes, yes. We have many memories.
I was saying to my friend
I'm sure this place was here
a long time before Mamma Mia!
Oh, my grandfather stay here.
Your… So two generations before.
Thank you. Did, erm, Meryl Streep
come to the restaurant?
- Every night.
- Every night?
This table, yes.
- This? Seriously this table?
- Yes, yes!
- This table!
- Yes, yes.
Have you got any, erm, photos of it
or anything like that?
- Yes, photos.
- Photos.
- Oh, yes.
- Lovely. Okay. Do you want to see
- the photos of Mamma Mia!?
- Why don't you go inside and see,
and then you can tell me
about it afterwards.
Fuck!
Oh, wow! Oh.
- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, fantastic.
- Many memories, yes.
- Meryl Streep there.
- Yes, yes.
- Oh, there you are with her.
- Yes, with my mother, yes.
You gotta go and see that.
They've got a shrine.
They've got up pictures of all the cast,
and there's a picture of Meryl Streep
with her arms around the owners.
I had my photo taken in front of it.
You had… You had your photo taken
with a photo of Meryl Streep?
Yeah.
Not just a photo of Meryl Streep,
a photo of Meryl Streep
in the restaurant
where they did Mamma Mia!
That's the bit there,
you know, when they jump off the jetty,
- and she bombs.
- Yeah.
She does the bomb.
You're very familiar with bombing,
aren't you?
I'm…
Good, good. It's hurtful,
it's spiky, and it undermines.
And it's an accessible pun… Moreover.
Pierce Brosnan sat at this table
as well. There's a picture of him here.
Big deal. I've been in a film
with Pierce Brosnan.
- I know you have.
- A film about Greek mythology.
I went to the Acropolis
with Pierce Brosnan.
Did Pierce Brosnan
take you up the Acropolis?
I don't know how that works
as a sexual innuendo,
but if you like, yes, he did.
- Did he?
- Yeah.
- Good Lord.
- Erm… And, erm…
I did and I can't say
it was a very
enjoyable experience, it wasn't.
I went up
the Acropolis with Steve Coogan
to promote
Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief.
Lightning Thief.
Teach me how to do it, Steve.
- The name's Bond. James Bond.
- The name's Bond. James Bond.
007. License to kill.
- License to kill. My name's Bond.
- Quite well spoken. No.
You're not letting me finish.
- Just let me do it.
- You never do finish.
- Let me…
- That's the reason. If I don't get in
- when there's a slight sliver…
- But there wasn't.
You haven't heard me do
one single phrase
as Pierce Brosnan uninterrupted.
- I have over the years.
- Just a phrase.
No, but now.
Listen, you asked me how to do it.
- Okay.
- You want to know how to do it?
Be quiet.
Listen to how I do it, then repeat it.
Don't start doing it
before I finish speaking.
- Beep.
- Okay.
Linguaphone. Pierce Brosnan,
- lesson one.
- You're doing it again.
- Beep.
- You're doing it again.
Listen and repeat.
Are you going to keep
talking over it or not?
Is that a no?
Okay, yes, it's a no?
- Hey, Chloe, it's Daddy.
- Hi.
Hi. How are you?
- Good.
- Good. What are you up to?
Just watching some stuff on my iPad.
Why don't you come back to LA?
You can move in with me.
Maybe.
Come on. We have a good time, don't we?
- Everybody loves you around here.
- Do they?
Let me have a quick word with Charlie,
and then, I'll speak to Mum.
Where is Charlie Farley?
Charlie isn't here.
He's sleeping right now.
All right, then, let me speak
straight to mummy then, darling,
and I'll talk to you again tomorrow.
She's not here.
She's not there as well? Where is she?
Erm, the theatre.
Mummy's at the theatre?
What's she gone to see at the theatre?
I don't know.
And who did she go with?
I don't know that either.
But you know she's gone to the theatre?
- Yes.
- Ah.
Oh, all right.
Uh, well, in that case,
I'll have to speak to her tomorrow.
I've just got to sort…
Sort some stuff out here first.
Yeah.
Uh, but, yeah, keep a… Keep a…
Yeah.
Keep the bed warm for me.