The Tick (1994–1997): Season 3, Episode 9 - The Tick vs. Prehistory - full transcript

[apes chatter]

[engine hums, recedes]

[machine beeps]

[ape vocalizes agitatedly]

Well, huh, that's the last of it.

We're dust free!

Ah, cleaning day.

Every citadel of justice should
have its spans as spic as we do!

Yes, and Tick, this time let's try to keep
it that way for more than five minutes.

Five minutes; check!

Oh, I just remembered,
Speak's been soaking all morning!



The apartment lies clean.

Soft underbelly exposed.

Vulnerable. Who can tell
where dirty will strike next?

[ape whines]

Arthur! Monkey outta nowhere!

[ape chitters]

[lamp shatters]

No, monkey-man, no!

Arthur: Wha... wha... What did you...

[Arthur screams]

[ape shrieks]

Don't move, Arthur! It's got a timer.

Must be some kind of... monkey bomb!

Gotta think quickly, before she blows.



Now, which button to push?!

Tick, don't touch!

The red one! Of course!

[Arthur's scream fades]

So, this is what Kingdom come is like.

Arthur: What?

These... these footprints.

I've seen them before.

In... in the natural history museum.

Oh, come on...
mega... mega... mega...

Tick: Sounds big!

Mega... megatherium!

The giant sloth!

But... but Tick!

Those animals have
been extinct for millions of--

[Arthur screams wordlessly]

Good heavens, Arthur! He
means to peel you like a grape!

Stop tasting me!

Let me make this plain, herbivore!

Arthur is neither vegetable nor fruit!

[Tick groans]

[machine fizzles]

A giant sloth!

That's impossible, except it...

Tick, we're... we're
millions of years in the past!

It's not a monkey bomb;
it's a time machine!

Well, it was a time machine, chum.

It got smashed by mega mega mega.

[shrieks]

Tick, without that machine we're
stranded here in prehistory forever!

[laughs crazily]
We're gonna devolve and die, Tick.

Before we've even been born!

Well, look at us!

We'll never see our friends again!

You! You're the one who did this to us!

I wanna go home!

You put me back where you found me, now!

[apes scream agitatedly]

Come on, Arthur, they're
just little monkey people.

Besides, I'm sure we'll have
this baby working again in no time.

Arthur: Dear Dot, I
hope you get this letter.

The Tick and I are trapped
at the dawn of humanity.

We live with a tribe of australopithecines.

They're the missing link
between man and ape.

Which means they don't know anything.

I tried to show them how to make fire,

but it just made them uncomfortable.

Being stuck here doesn't seem
to bother Tick the way it does me.

He still goes on patrol every day.

Saber-tooth tiger, you face The Tick!

The world's first superhero!

Arthur: And at night he
spins yarns around the fire.

And so this crazy guy wanted
to carve his name into the moon!

[apes hoot]

Oh, yes, and dig this:

he had a chair for a head!

[grunts in confusion]

Oh, ah, a chair.

Uh... hmm. Chaaaair!

It's like, uh...

Well, y'know, it's like a, uh...

a little tree you sit on!

Ah, yeah, it's like a...

Uh...

[grunts like an ape]

[apes howl with laughter]

Arthur: Every night I sit
and dream of going home.

Where all my friends are. Where it's clean.

Dot, I haven't taken a bath in six months.

Anyway, I should probably go now.

Today's my birthday!

I think I'll celebrate by
inventing agriculture.

[Tick grunts loudly]

Tick! Argh!

It took me months to chisel that letter!

[Tick grunts]

Arthur: Oh, would
you stop grunting?!

We're civilized human
beings, Tick. We don't grunt!

[Tick grunts, clears throat]

Sorry. But listen, Arthur,

I have a surprise for you!

[grunts excitedly]

You are gonna love it!

Tick... wh... what is this?

Good, now Arthur,

I know you've been feeling
just a little down lately

and I wanted to do something
special for your birthday!

So I invented music!

Hit it, boys!

[apes pound out crude rhythm]

♫ For he's a jolly good fellow, ♫

♫ for he's a jolly good fellow. ♫

♫ For he's a jolly good fellow, ♫

♫ which nobody can deny! ♫

[Tick chuckles]
What do you think, Arthur?!

[Arthur sobs]

Robotic Voice: Australopithecine
tribal formation located.

Excellent! They're perfect.

Seize them!

[sobbing]

Happy birthday, Arthur!

[apes scream]

[robots clanking]

Tick!

[Tick struggles]

[apes howl in terror]

Unhand me, metallic miscreant!

[robot jolts]

Robot: Oh!

Man's voice: Forget that big ape,
bring the rest back to the hotel.

And hurry up! We're already falling behind!

[Tick sobs loudly]

Where are you taking my tribe?!

Man's voice: Welcome, time-
tourists, to the grand opening of

the Great Time prehistoric resort hotel.

You have traveled all the way back

from the year 101,996 AD

to the dawn of humanity.

Explore the harsh
terrain where it all began!

Or, simply relax amid the heady
romance of the way we were.

At the tar pits, you can
see how fossils are made!

Whoops! Bye-bye for now!

For the wildlife enthusiast,

we offer a rare treat.

Observe the mighty beasts
of yore in their natural habitats.

And then eat them in
our elegant dining rooms!

Cooked to perfection,
and served by our

newly-acquired tribe of
australopithecine waiters.

They're not savvy; they're savage!

Who are you, and what
do you want with us?!

Clean glasses!

Napkins!

Oh! Ice cubes!

Fresh iced tea!

Get your filthy paws off
that beverage, you dirty ape!

Sorry about the mess.

Our iced tea is just that good!

[Tick breathing heavily]

Hang on, tribe!

Hold tight, birthday boy!

I'm comin' for ya!

[screams]

[thuds]

[groans]

Sneaky hole!

Alright you hairy sub-humans, listen up!

This morning my entire
staff of waiters quit on me!

They got tired of commuting 3.6 million
years to work every morning, I guess.

Oh, and of course the tips were lousy.

[grunts]
Ch-air.

Hey, dirtball, cut the monkey jumbo!

Um, excuse me. Hello, ah.

I'm from the late 20th century,

and I, I, I speak English.

Oh, look at me, look at me!

I have speech! Aren't I special?

Listen, pal, the guests at my hotel

are from 3.6 million years in the future!

They've got class.

There's no time for sniffling!

We're in peak season right
now; every room is booked!

You'll work sixteen-hour shifts,

or suffer the consequences!

You can't do this to them!

They're gentle creatures.

They can't stand up to the
rigors of the hospitality industry!

Silence, tea-thief!

Bellbots! Delouse these
unevolved small-heads,

and get them ready to serve!

Well, it'll take more than a
game of hot-foot with Mother Earth

to keep The Tick from friends in need!

Hut!

[shouts in pain]

Arthur: Dear Dot,

I hope you got my rock.

I'm writing you from the restaurant
where I work with the rest of the tribe.

I guess the Pleistocene
epoch is a popular vacation spot

for people from the
distant, distant future.

We started yesterday.

First, they hosed us down.

Then, they gave us the
previous waiters' uniforms.

The restaurant was packed
with the future of humanity.

And boy, were they hungry!

Okay, okay. Three medium-rare
glyptodons in the shell,

leg of blue tethyrian in plum sauce,

um, and Kenny?

You're having the spystar
cenotherian stew, right?

Oh, and some more bread sticks.

Uh, waiter, what are
your specials for tonight?

[grunts]

Excuse me, waiter?

Could we have some
fresh-ground pepper on our salads?

[howls angrily]

Okay, okay! Easy on the pepper!

[grunts sadly]

No, no, no!

Salad fork on the left!

Hey, cut it out!

What?!

Let me try to put a little sense
into your big, future-head!

These guys are australopithecines!

They're like one day out of the tree, okay?

They don't know salad, they don't
know fork, and they don't know left!

Well if you're so blasted
evolved, then you teach them!

Or there's going to be a
new dish on tonight's menu!

[Tick moans tiredly]

Hang in... there, little... buddies!

The Tick... is... gonna take...

a nap!

[snores]

[roars]

[continues snoring]

[bears growls]

Wha? Huh? Hmm.

Oh, good morning nature,

red in tooth and claw...

The ancient cave bear
battling its natural enemy:

the robot!

Robot: Ouch!

Hey, wait a minute!

That's one of the
robots who stole my tribe!

Well, I'll just get to the bottom of this!

Spoon!

[bear roars fiercely]

You won't be dining on
gears and pistons today!

[Tick shouts in pain]

Quit yanking my food chain!

[strains]

Okay, Sparky, now you're
gonna take me to my friends!

I admire your strength.

You c-c-could lift a lot of luggage.

I w-will help you.

Aha! A luxury hotel.

Now there's a little piece of
prehistory they don't teach you in school!

Better play along with their crazy game.

M-m-my friend here needs a job.

Can he lift a lot of luggage?

He can.

[grunts]

Shouldn't be hard to spot
a monkey in this barrel.

Of course, it's a pretty big barrel.

Attention time-tourists:

please avoid making eye
contact with your waiters.

And don't smile at them.

They take this as an act of hostility.

Excuse me, I'd like to register
a complaint about those waiters.

[ape grunts]

Yes, yes I know you miss your tubers,

but you see, that's what I'm saying!

You're being exploited.

The management of this hotel is your enemy.

You have nothing to lose but your chains!

You have nothing to gain but your freedom!

I say we strike a blow for human dignity!

I say evolution now!

[all grunt in confusion]

Oh... in other words, uh,

[grunts and screams]

[all grunt excitedly]

But, sir, that's exactly what sets
our hotel apart from other resorts!

Where else can you have your grubby,
primal ancestry take your drink orders?

Our waiter ate our
appetizers, and then bit my leg!

Well, they're... paid to be authentic.

Hello? This on?

Arthur, where are you?!

Can you hear me, monkey friends?

Tick on PA: Where are you?!
[whooping continues]

It's the big ape! Bellbots!

Seize him! Bind him with his own baggage!

[grunts like ape]

That's The Tick! He's
here, and he needs our help!

I regret this. You were the best.

Welcome to our luggage room.

This is where we send and receive
luggage from the distant future.

Pre-human, you embarrassed
me in front of a guest!

Well, now you'll be
my guest on a little trip.

Several little trips.

Has your leg ever had an itch to
visit the pyramids of ancient Egypt

while they were still fresh?

Or perhaps your arm
wants to take a vacation!

During the French Revolution!

[laughs]
You see?

I'm going to send you to
several different periods in time

one piece at a time!

[cackles]

A time machine!

Oh, okay. Here's the plan...

[ape-like chirps]

N-no, wait. Oh yeah!

[resumes grunting]

Now, how does this thing work?

Okay, let's go!

Now, which part of your
body should we start with?

How about the part you'd miss the least?

[angry howling]

Oh, this is really pathetic.

Bellbots, crush the
waitering staff, please.

Where is that beeping coming from?

Time for you to open up a new hotel,

at the beginning of the universe!

Monkey-bunny, I'll get you for this!

[robotic laughter]

Tick! Are you okay?

[gasps]
His head!

Men in plaid! Hi, uh, what time is it?

Oh about 10:30.

Jerry, I'm gonna need
a five iron on this one.

Oh, he's just no good without his head!

Whew! Hole in one.

Tick! Oh, thank goodness.

Now, let's get our tribe out of here,

and get ourselves back home!

[both snore]

[air crackles]

[frightened grunts]

Wait, wait! Calm down. Calm down.

[Arthur grunts and chirps]

[contented grunts]

Arthur! The clock, lad. The clock!

Do you see what time it is?

It's only been three minutes since we left!

Why, we've just spent six months

three and a half million years ago

in the time it takes to soft-boil an egg!

Arthur, the fourth dimension

is just one big, crazy do-not-enter

clam bake jungle of weird-ity!

And how does it work?

Never mind!

Tick? I think it's time to clean up.

Hey gang, Fiona Simmer writes:

Dear Tick, why are boys
always mean to girls?

Well, the body of the average
boy is a strange battleground.

A volcanic mess of snakes,
snails, and puppy-dog tails.

Meanness breeds like mosquito
larvae in their derelict kiddy-pool hearts!

I understand, Fiona: why, indeed?!

Girls of the world,
unite and take over!

Groovy all-female world now!