The Tick (1994–1997): Season 3, Episode 8 - The Tick vs. Science - full transcript

[electricity crackles]

Mad scientists, those jittery geniuses

who for decades have
dazzled us with death rays.

And thrilled us with the
ever-present threat of total,

[motor hums]

and totally wacky annihilation.

Yes, mad scientists.

Some are angry. Some are insane.

Many are both.

But almost all of them have
come out from their castles,

and their subterranean
bunkers to converge here,



at the annual Mad Science Fair,

To show off the twisted fruits of
another year's misguided labor

to a world that shuns and fears them.

Well, it looks like the fiendish
Dr. Mung Mung has arrived,

with inimitable style.

Scratch it and you'll
pay dearly, valet person.

Dr. Mung Mung! Doctor!

What's that you pulled up in?

I call it the cat-bird's
seat, Brian Pin-head.

[chuckles]
Weird!

And what else are you bringing
to this year's competition?

Wonderments and atrocities, Brian Pin-head.

Mung Mung, you oily little sellout!

Wannabes, all of you!



Spit-shining your prosthetic limbs,

and white-washing your liver spots

for this wretched,
back-patting smarty party!

I take it you won't be attending?

Ze true mad scientist does
not make public appearances.

He does not wear ze
"Hello, my name is" badge!

He strikes from
below, like a viper.

Or on high, like a penny dropped
from the tallest building around!

He has only ze one purpose:

do bad things to good people mit science!

So Tick, what brings
superheroes to the fair?

We're guinea pigging
for our pal, J.J. Vatos.

He's going to switch our minds
with his new mind-switching machine!

[chuckles]
How cool is that?

Tick, Vatos told us not to talk about it!

Uh, Brian, we're not supposed to discuss
the full nature of the experiment.

It- it uh, it's kind of a, um--
Well, it's kind of a secret.

Well, can you tell us anything?

Uh, well, Arthur is dating J.J.'s daughter.

Tick!

Chromedome, I want you to
go down to that science fair.

What?! I just got finished
telling you about my boycott.

Chromedome, if what The Tick said is true,

then Vatos has finally broken
the mind-transfer barrier,

and he has a working device right there.

For the taking!

But Herr Chippendale, why?!

Look at my face,
Chromedome. What do you see?

Uh... I see, uh... a chair.

Exactly.

And who else in this room is, shall we say,

unsatisfied with the body
fate has seen fit to hand them?

Ja, ja.

Arthur: You know, I- I really
cannot believe you, Tick.

I am not dating Carmelita,
okay, we are just--

Tick: Oh you're just mad
because you haven't kissed her yet!

I don't wanna talk about this.

Come on man; make
the four-lipped butterfly!

Vatos: Okey-doke!
[chuckles]

Vitals look good! No signs of
central nervous system damage.

Looks like the transfer was a success!

Mm-hmm. That's great, Daddy. Really.

Pumpkin, you seem distracted.

Lab rat for your thoughts?

Aw, Daddy.

How long were you and Mom
dating before you kissed her?

Why, I asked her to marry
me two minutes after I met her!

Of course, those were the old days.
Everybody was worried about polio!

But then again, these are the nineties.

I say kiss the boy; he's probably just shy.

Good heavens!

This place is enormous!

Well, Vatos is in booth 41.

Check. Okay, here's 167...

166, 165...

one-sixty-fire!

To safety, chum!

Oh!

[screams]

Clear the area! Nobody panic!

I'm not panicking, I'm
exhibiting my new invention:

room temperature fire!

Huh?

Look! The marshmallows
aren't even toasting!

They remain a
comfortable 68 degree heat.

Egad, man, what's the point?!

[Arthur screams]
[licking sounds]

[licking continues]

Help!

Mung Mung: Don't worry, you have
nothing to fear from Tongue Tongue.

He's only tasting you.

But likewise, don't resists for
he can crush you quite easily.

The tongue is a very powerful muscle,
and Tongue Tongue is all tongue.

I am Dr. Mung Mung.

Now release the nice
moth-man Tongue Tongue.

Here is an individually-wrapped
slice of processed cheese.

[Tongue Tongue babbles happily]

Tick: There you are!
[Arthur shrieks]

Now, come on Arthur. We
can't fool around all day!

[stammers]
Licky... licky!

Well, the floor of the Mad
Science Fair is buzzing

with rumors about the
mind-transfer device

J.J. Vatos plans to unveil today.

I'm joined now by Dr. Emmett Peelie,

one of the early pioneers
of the mind-transfer field.

Professor Peelie, you bowed out of the
M-T race several years ago; why is that?

Well, Brian, I had a little setback.

Let's just say I was in Africa,

playing a game of musical-chairs
with my mind, and uh,

when the music stopped, I
was sitting in the "zebra" chair.

I see. Well, why couldn't
you just switch back?

Well, for one thing I hadn't
quite perfected my device.

[chuckles]
Also...

[sighs]

can't find my body!

[hooves thunder]

[zebra neighs]

So what are you working
on these days, Professor?

Oh, you know...

lion repellent, lion alarm, lion-proofing.

Well, she kissed me once!
[chuckles]

Yes, we were in Mexico. Right on the cheek!

Tick, just leave me alone.

Your target area,
however, will be the lips!

Oh, here you are, boys!

We gotta get backstage;
I'm presenting next.

Hi Arthur!

Oh, heh. Hi, Carmelita.

Kiss her! C'mon Arthur!

Shh! Stop it!

Fellow scientists,

have you ever needed an extra pair of
strong, masterful hands around the lab?

Or an extra body to
handle the heavy lifting?

Well sure! We all have.

Then let me present...

Can o' Man!

A man in a can!

Hup! Hup! Hup! Hup!

He does whatever you want.

He can bench press about 240 pounds,

and after about an hour he disappears into

a cloud of fragrant potpourri!

[applause]

Uh, say, Professor Vatos, you've uh,

tested this thing, right?

Oh sure!

I tried it out on a couple of
lab rats like five minutes ago!

Rats?! What, that's it?

You're gonna go from lab
rats straight to humans?

Shouldn't you throw a few
monkeys in there, or something?

Oh yes! Oh, right there!

Right there. Oh, that's
great. That's great!

He also comes in sandalwood and pine!

Okay, let's go boys!

Couldn't we run a few
more tests, Doctor? I mean I--

Don't worry, Arthur, Dad's a genius.

Well, um, good luck.

Kiss her. Kiss her!

Come on, man!

Vatos: Go on, Lita, kiss the boy!

Huh. Maybe next time.

Oh, hey!

Oh hi! How you doing?

[clears throat]

The first step toward world
peace is understanding.

As the saying goes, you
can't really understand a man

until you've walked a
mile in his moccasins.

Now, imagine how well you
could understand a person

if you were to walk the
same distance in his feet!

That's what mind-transfer is all about.

Bah. Warm, fuzzy nice-nice.

What good is science if no one gets hurt?!

Okay, here goes nothing!

[electricity crackles]

Tick's voice: Egad! Arthur!

It's me in here; I made it!

I'm an Arthur-naut!

[stammers in Arthur's voice]

[crowd applauds loudly]

Thank you. Thank you!

Vatos: Uh oh!

Daddy!

You should all be ashamed of yourselves!

What with your world peace,

and your moccasin-walking,

and your potpourri!

You're not mad scientists!

You're a bunch of hippies!

Tick: Stop right there, Chromedome!

[Chromedome screams]

Tick: Man, how dumb are you?

Trying to be all villain-y right
under the nose of the mighty Tick!

[chuckling]
Ja, ja. You've sure got me!

But you're not exactly
yourself, now, are you?

Tick: Oof! Oh!

That's new.

Arthur! My body is a weapon; use it!

Arthur: Oh... right!

Go, go fancy horse!
Giddy-up! Giddy-up!

I don't think so!

Ah!

I'll stop him!

With Can o' Man!

[explosion]

Hup! Hup! Hup! Hup! Hup! Hup!

[Tick struggles]

Arthur, how do you get
anywhere with these wings?!

Arthur: I fly, Tick!

Tick: Oh yeah.
[exclaims]

[panting]

[Tick gibbers with exertion]

Arthur! Leap man. Leap!

Arthur: Alright, alright!

[Arthur screams]

[scream grows louder]

Daddy!

I'm okay, Pumpkin, but we've
gotta get my device back.

Tick: Phew! Boy, you're a fragile
little thing, aren't you Arthur?!

Arthur: Yeah, I know! So
stop banging me around!

Tick: And you get a little
gassy when you're under stress.

Arthur: Alright, alright.

Let's just split up and find
Chromedome, okay Tick?

Tick: Okay, me!

[panting]

Oof!

[Carmelita grunts]

Hand it over, Chromedome!

Heh heh. You lack your
father's flair for pacifism.

Alright, you win Miss
Vatos, here is the device.

[Carmelita gasps]

Arthur: Chromedome!

[Carmelita grunts]

Where is it?!

Carmelita: No! No! No!
Tick-- Arthur, it's me!

It's Carmelita!

Tick: Carmelita! You've got it!

Chromedome: Eh? Oh.
[clears throat]

[imitating Carmelita]
Oh, yes, well I, yes.

There you are, Pumpkin.

And you have my device!

Attagirl!

Chromedome: Mung Mung,
curb your pink abomination!

Tick: Yeesh! Yeah, put that
thing away, wiggy tongue-man.

[Tongue Tongue babbles wordlessly]

Tongue Tongue tastes something sour.

Well, I guess we should find Arthur
and get you boys back in the right bodies.

Tick: Yeah, he's probably out
joyriding in my sleek, blue chassis.

One detail eludes me, Miss Vatos.

Eh, just how did you dispose of
the nefarious Chromedome?

[Chromedome as Carmelita]
Uh, a girl's got to have her secrets.

Yes... secrets. The mother's
milk of an evil genius.

Chromedome: What are you saying, Mung Mung?

Arthur: I'll tell you what he's saying!

That's Chromedome!

[babbles]

Carmelita: He switched bodies with me!

Tick: Hey! That's dirty pool!

[all mutter angrily]

[Chromedome hisses]

Chromedome: Oh, will you?

Go ahead, Arthur, hit me if you can!

Hit your beloved Carmelita!

Arthur: Ngh... I can't!

Carmelita: I can!

Lita! Wow, you're... you're great!

Lita: Oh, well. It wasn't any--

Vatos: C'mon, Pumpkin!

Kiss him!

Tick: Arthur, make your
move, man! Kiss the girl!

Kiss the... Yee!

Chromedome: Very well,
then. Let me invite you all...

to a swap-meeting of the minds!

[Chromedome cackles]

[all exclaim]

Chromedome: Well,
zat worked out nicely!

[cackles]

[crash in distance]

Well, it sounds like
Chromedome has returned.

[Chromddome laughs gleefully]

No! The Tick?!

Chromedome: No, no, Herr Chippendale!
Put your heart back in your chest.

It's just your loyal Chromedome.

And I've got the device, too.

Chromedome! You gave me quite a start.

Chromedome: I'll say! You jumped
right out of your slippers, hehe!

I feel like a million bucks!

[Chromedome laughs]
I ran here in eight minutes flat!

Und I picked up a dump truck. Hoo hoo!

This is some kind of body, here.

Hmm... yes. Not
conventionally handsome, but...

Arthur: Ugh... I can taste the floor!

I can taste everything!

[groans]

Tick: Quickly! No time to lose!

Eh, who are we?

J.J. Vatos here.

I'm Carmelita, in Can o' Man!

Peelie: I want my zebra back!

Oh. Oh! That feels good!

And I remain as always, Dr. Mung Mung.

Tick: You switched with yourself?

Lucky duck!

[Tongue Tongue gurgles sadly]

Oh, gentle Tongue Tongue.

[groans]

He weeps, for he has
but one small tongue

with which to taste an entire world.

Curse you, Vatos! You brought this upon us.

Don't look at me! I brought Can o' Man.

Arthur: Listen, everybody, we've gotta stop
Chromedome before he gets to Chairface!

If that villain gets control
of the Vatos machine--

Tick: Then nobody'll be able to look
at themselves in the mirror ever again!

Come on, people, giddy-up!

[crackling]

[Chairface laughs]
Well, this is really quite a coup!

Chromedome: Oh, ja.
But, uh, Herr Chippendale?

Now I... now I got your body.

Chairface: And what's wrong with that?

I'm a fit man of half your age.

Chromedome: Ja, but...
you've got a chair for your head!

I mean, you're really a freak!

How am I even talking?!

Chairface: Come now, Chromedome.
Now you can have any body you--

[moans admiringly]

This is, oh... This is wonderful!

[cackles gleefully]

[cackling continues]

Tick: How you doing up there, Arthur?

Arthur: I can taste your back.

[Tick screams]

[Chairface laughs]

Chromedome: Please, Chairface!

You're hurting me!

Chairface: Well, then. Sit this one out!

[Chromedome screams]

Tick: Spoon!

Body pirate, you face The Tick!

[Chairface chuckles]
No; I face a zebra.

You face The Tick!

Arthur: That's it! You hand over
the Vatos machine right now, or I'll--

Oh, man...

[Chairface chuckles]

Well, well. Aren't you a monstrosity?

But do cheer up! You're just in time
to see all your hopes for a normal life...

destroyed!

You... you jerk!

[Tongue Tongue moans sadly]

Chromedome: Chairface,
you double-crossing fiend!

Chairface: I'm sure you'll all be
happy in your new bodies, hmm?

Chromedome: No! You can't do it!

Chairface: Chromedome, let go!

Tick: Chum, maneuver 11-Z!

Chairface: Chromedome, please,
you're making a fool of yourself.

[Tick clears throat]

Hey, handsome!

Chairface: Huh?

Vatos: Gimme that, you twisted creep!

Learn some manners!

Chairface: No!

Chairface: Oh, why?
Why, why, why?

Vatos: Okay, now, how we doing?

Peelie: Listen, I'm not in
love with the zebra or anything,

but in about five minutes I'm
going to potpourri, so could you...

Oops, hehe. Sorry about that!

Now, who else isn't in the right body?

Arthur: I'm me. I'm me! I--

Carmelita! We made it!

Mwah!

[Tick exclaims in disgust]

Egad, man! What are you doing?!

[whimpers]

I hate today...

Hey Arthur, Wyse Corky writes:

Dear Tick, how many stars
are there in the universe?

Well, I'm told by preeminent
counting experts that there are as many

stars in the universe as there
are grains of sand on a beach!

This may seem confusing at first,

But not when you
consider the many works

of that even-handed
minx we call symmetry!

Look around, Wyse Corky, all
kinds of things are symmetrical!

Horses, prom dresses,
hydrogen molecules.

Why, even you!

Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.