The Tick (1994–1997): Season 3, Episode 6 - The Tick vs. Filth - full transcript
The Tick and Arthur gain a newfound respect for the Sewer Urchin, who shines beneath the streets of The City as a super villain unleashes an army of intelligent filth.
[grunts]
Then press on, noble crew.
That blockage won't move by itself,
and the sewers must flow.
Let nothing impede the waste
filtration of this great metropolis.
Her effluence must reach the virgin seas.
I think I see the problem.
Ah!
[gasps]
[creatures snarl]
So brave, Grace!
There's too many of them.
Back to the surface world!
It's happening again, isn't it?
Ugh. Yes, he's back.
And only one man can save us now.
Arthur: Check.
Ooh!
Tick: Ah ha ha! Chess!
The ancient contest of wits.
Two opponents, mano a mano.
Braino a braino.
And look: magnets for ease of travel!
Why, you could play chess on the moon!
Uh oh! Of course, I wouldn't do that.
Definitely checkmate. Yeah.
Butt out, Stinky!
Gyah!
Check and mate.
Oh, man!
Come on, one more game.
But... but...
What?!
I- I've got winsies.
Winsies. Ah, yeah.
Excuse me, Stinky,
but could you be any less articulate?
Yeah, but...
Please don't call me "Stinky" all the time.
Aww, sure, Stinky.
Oops! There I go again.
Maybe it's because...
you stink!
Now, Fledermaus, that's just
the loser in you lashing out.
Hey! Shut up!
Uh, excuse us,
but we bear grave tidings from below.
Ah, stalwart municipal
employees, not a problem.
I'm sure that I can-- Huh?
Mighty Sewer Urchin,
we need your help.
He's returned, and his filth
walks the sewers once again.
Uh oh. Bad news.
Very bad. Definitely trouble.
Yeah. Gotta go. Bye.
What? Who? Whose filth is walking?
Urchin, hey, wait up!
Well, it's been a rough day.
Tuna melts for everyone!
So, uh, Grace...
I like a woman who does dirty work.
Oh, you're so lucky!
Say, what's it like to spend time with...
the Sewer Urchin?
[scoffs]
What? Stinky?
He stinks!
Oh, wow!
Now come on, Urchin, what's this all about?
Of course, gotta save The City.
Well, that's our job too.
Oh. I dunno.
Very... very dangerous down there.
[Tick chuckles]
We're not afraid to get our hands dirty!
How bad can it be?
Okay... just try and keep up.
Course, this is my apartment.
Tick: Whoa!
Talk about living high on a low hog!
Urchin! This place is fantastic!
Yeah, be it ever so humble. Ah.
Please wipe your feet. Thank you.
Course, relax. Make yourselves at home.
Enjoy some cocktail weenies.
Just found them this morning.
Tick: I... no thanks.
Arthur: No, we just ate.
Tick: Wow! Did you find all this too?
Uh huh.
It- it's full of money!
Urchin, you're rich!
Yeah. Rich in spirit.
Here, you'd better put these on.
[chuckles]
Aren't you taking this
just a little too seriously?
You definitely don't understand, Tick.
What we're up against here isn't just evil.
It's filth!
Arthur: So, um, exactly who
are we dealing with here?
His name is Lou Salazar.
He was the most despicable civil servant
in the history of solid waste management.
Very bad.
The most corrupt Commissioner
of Sanitation The City's ever had.
[sarcastically]
Ooh, scary!
Yeah. Now he calls himself
Sovereign of the Sewers.
Lou Salazar, Sewer Czar.
Phew! Say that five times fast.
Urchin: No time, Tick.
[Tick chuckles]
[Tick mangles tongue-twister]
Hail Sewer Czar, Czar of the Sewers.
Bad news!
The dreaded Sewer Urchin
has caught wind of our plot.
Even now he combs the netherworld
in search of Your Eminence.
I think he's pretty mad at you.
I see.
No matter.
Yes, he brought me down once before.
My fall from the lofty post
of Sanitation Commissioner
was deep and hard.
But by tomorrow morning,
every faucet, every shower
nozzle, every water bubbler
will spew forth my glorious filth!
I will rise again,
and besmirch The City to its knees!
What are we?!
Filth!
Where do we come from?!
Filth!
Where are we going?!
Filth!
We're filth! We're filth!
We come from filth, we're going to filth!
[chanting continues]
[grunts]
Arthur: Oh, man!
It smells like Sewer
Urchin squared down here!
Yes, but apart from the unholy stench
I think we can certainly function
as well in the sewer as we do up--
[screams]
Arthur: Tick!
Tick! Quick, get outta there!
Oh come on, Urchin, it's not that bad!
Hey, just like soda pop! Huh?
Tick!
Ah! Lobsters! Lobsters!
Tick, don't move.
Ahh! Help!
What happened?! What was that?
What is it with the lobsters?
Sewer lobsters, Tick.
I thought there were
alligators in the sewer.
I mean, I was ready for alligators!
Ah, no. That's definitely
a myth. We got lobsters.
You can always chase them off with
a little melted butter and some lemon.
We'd better keep moving.
Sewer Czar probably know we're here by now.
[playful gibberish]
Oops. Getting dumber!
The mixture's off.
Needs more activated sludge.
This batch is no better than
my earliest experiments in filth.
Back then I thought stupid
filth would cut the mustard.
But the Sewer Urchin thwarted my invasion,
and showed me the error of my ways!
I realized I needed filth of intelligence
to wage my war on the surface world.
I needed... smart filth!
Hello. Who am I?
You're filth.
Got it!
Okay, we're back in business.
[cackles]
Excellent!
By dawn, I'll have enough
smart filth to flood The City!
Hail, Sewer Czar!
Sewer Urchin is getting closer,
and he has two topsiders with him.
Topsiders? Good.
That'll slow him down.
Now take a detachment of filth
and finish off our prickly sewer friend.
Arthur: Ah, T-tick, you know...
[chuckles]
You know Sewer Urchin might be right!
We're heroes, sure we are, but m-maybe
we're not so s-super in the sewer.
We're sworn to protect The City.
And we're just going to have to face it;
that includes the sewers.
Besides, I think we've
weathered the worst of it.
Oh, hey, look! Somebody lost their wallet.
Ah! Tick, no!
Eh?
Wallet angler!
[both scream in terror]
[Urchin screams]
[angler roars]
Yeah. Wallet angler.
Uses a living wallet for bait.
Very dangerous.
[Tick blubbers]
Okay, now listen guys...
if you want to get out
of here in one piece,
stick close to me, and do what I do.
Tick, don't do what you do.
[gasps]
Man, you are so cool down here!
Oh yeah. Down here I'm
considered the apotheosis of cool.
Did you just say "apotheosis?"
We're filth! We're filth!
We come from filth, we're going to filth!
We're filth! We're filth!
We come from filth, we're going to filth!
[chanting continues]
Okay, troops! This is the big one.
Once the Urchin is out of the picture,
we're backing up and overflowing!
Soon the topsiders world
will be ours, and ours alone!
Uh, excuse me, uh, Lou.
Eh, I don't want to
step out of line here,
but seriously, have you
given this much thought?
Excuse me?!
I mean, I think what he
means is those people up there
are the primary generators of filth!
Without them, there'd be no us.
[all mumble in ascent]
It's, uh, pretty much a
symbiotic relationship, Lou.
Listen, you jerks!
[exclaims angrily]
The entire history of humanity
has been one long battle against filth!
I've been there. Oh, I know!
"Oh, clean! Clean! We like clean!"
"Clean it up! Wipe it off! Rinse it out!"
All they want to do is get rid of us.
So why shouldn't we get rid of them?!
Eh, you've got a point there, Lou.
We're filth: we come from filth.
Let's go to filth.
We're filth! We're filth!
We come from filth, we're going to filth!
We're filth! We're filth!
We come from filth, we're going to filth!
We're filth! We're filth!
[sniffs]
What is it? What is it?!
I don't like the smell of this.
I don't like the smell
of anything down here!
What is it?!
[rat squeaks]
Shh!
We're surrounded by filth.
And they're closing in.
Here: take some soap.
Uh, Tick?
Why are we taking a bath in the sewer?
You heard the man! Just lather up.
Arthur: You know, I liked
my life about two hours ago.
Warm. Dry. A cup of coffee at the diner.
A few games of chess.
We're playing a game of chess now, Arthur.
And it's their move.
[filth growl]
[Arthur screams]
Back to back! And keep your suds up!
Okay... um...
Spoon?
[filth growl menacingly]
[Urchin exclaims]
[soap fizzes]
Ahh!
Oh, gross!
[Arthur panics]
[filth scream in terror]
Was that it? Was that the big fight?
Are we done yet?!
Now can we go home?
Not yet. This is only the beginning.
You incompetent goons!
But they had all this foamy white stuff!
Yeah, it was
sweet-smelling and... fresh!
Rats! He's got soap...
Soap, huh?
Well, we hated it.
Of course you hated it! You're filth!
You come from filth you're going to filth!
Y'know, that's just what we were
talking about on the way back.
What exactly does that mean?
Why do we have to go to filth?
Yeah! Why couldn't we go to the Bahamas?
Right! Yeah. See, I mean,
that's what we were thinking!
Ah bup bup bup bup!
Y'know, it's okay to start thinking.
But you've gotta know when to stop!
I'll just have to deal
with Sewer Urchin myself!
Ah, there you are
you lavender menace!
[Arthur whimpers]
Soapy.
Definitely too soapy.
And too wet.
Lou: Wet?!
[cackles]
I'll show you the meaning of wet!
Uh oh.
[all scream]
[Tick & Arthur gurgle]
[Tick gasps, screams]
I don't like the smell of this either.
Methane gas.
Very bad. Very--
[flame roars]
Very flammable!
Gotta go. Bye.
[Tick & Arthur shriek]
Ow!
Tick: Urchin! Look out!
Arthur: Look out!
Tick: Urchin, no!
[Arthur screams]
[both scream]
Children of the depths!
The Sewer Urchin is no more.
That's too bad. He seemed
like a nice enough fella.
Filth! My hour has come around at last!
Now slouch upwards to victory!
[laughs maniacally]
Lou: The City will be mine at last!
Y'know, I'm not sure I like
where this guy is coming from.
Yeah, I'm starting to think
that Lou is just out for Lou!
[Arthur & Tick's screams grow louder]
Ah, if it isn't the Sewer
Urchin's little sidekicks.
It's so nice of you to drop in!
Just in time to see your world destroyed.
Oh yeah?!
Not if we have anything to say about it!
[chuckles]
Topsiders!
Arthur, we may be out of our
element, but we're not out of our league!
I'm with you, Tick.
Lou: Come on! Get it in gear!
Let's go! Step it up!
Tick: Spoon!
Ah!
Sultan of sludge!
I'm putting an end to your pipe dreams.
You're too late.
My filthy minions are already on their way!
[hums to himself]
[scats]
[shrieks in horror]
Your people are doomed.
Urchin: Ahem!
I don't think so.
You?!
Urchin! You're okay!
[Urchin exclaims]
Hey, sorry man. You okay?
[drain slurps]
No!
Don't just stand there, you stupid jerks!
Crush these intruders!
Come on! What are you waiting for?
Well, it's occurred to us that perhaps
Sewer Urchin's solid waste
management philosophy
might be more compatible
with our long-term interests
than the scheme you've put forward.
Yeah, Lou; you stink!
They're right, Lou.
It's people like you who
give filth a bad name!
Hey, guys? Nice work.
Hey, Tick. Arthur.
[chuckles]
Hey, Stinky!
How's it stinkin'?
[sniffs]
Whoa!
You all stink!
Listen, Die Fledermaus...
Ow!
We spent all night learning
an important lesson.
You can't judge a sewer
by its manhole cover.
No, sir, people can be very different
under the surface than they might seem.
Quiet, mild-mannered souls
just might turn out to be
roaring lions of two-fisted cool!
And roaring lions of two-fisted cool
just might have some
crippling lobster problems.
Listen, man,
it's all crazy down
there under the surface!
A lost wallet could bite you in half!
A bar of soap could save your life!
Egad!
A disgusting mound of muck
just might have some
very compelling ideas!
Do you dig my ditch?!
Oh, yeah. Definitely yeah.
Hey Arthur, Hogarth Lemny writes:
Dear Tick, what would you
do if bees took over the world?
Egad, Hogarth!
When the bees implement
their world-wide fascist regime
I will be the first to go
down into the honey mines!
I will be the first to carry their
squirming larvae in my teeth!
To smear royal jelly
on their chosen queen!
And why?! Good heavens.
On account of the stinging!
Then press on, noble crew.
That blockage won't move by itself,
and the sewers must flow.
Let nothing impede the waste
filtration of this great metropolis.
Her effluence must reach the virgin seas.
I think I see the problem.
Ah!
[gasps]
[creatures snarl]
So brave, Grace!
There's too many of them.
Back to the surface world!
It's happening again, isn't it?
Ugh. Yes, he's back.
And only one man can save us now.
Arthur: Check.
Ooh!
Tick: Ah ha ha! Chess!
The ancient contest of wits.
Two opponents, mano a mano.
Braino a braino.
And look: magnets for ease of travel!
Why, you could play chess on the moon!
Uh oh! Of course, I wouldn't do that.
Definitely checkmate. Yeah.
Butt out, Stinky!
Gyah!
Check and mate.
Oh, man!
Come on, one more game.
But... but...
What?!
I- I've got winsies.
Winsies. Ah, yeah.
Excuse me, Stinky,
but could you be any less articulate?
Yeah, but...
Please don't call me "Stinky" all the time.
Aww, sure, Stinky.
Oops! There I go again.
Maybe it's because...
you stink!
Now, Fledermaus, that's just
the loser in you lashing out.
Hey! Shut up!
Uh, excuse us,
but we bear grave tidings from below.
Ah, stalwart municipal
employees, not a problem.
I'm sure that I can-- Huh?
Mighty Sewer Urchin,
we need your help.
He's returned, and his filth
walks the sewers once again.
Uh oh. Bad news.
Very bad. Definitely trouble.
Yeah. Gotta go. Bye.
What? Who? Whose filth is walking?
Urchin, hey, wait up!
Well, it's been a rough day.
Tuna melts for everyone!
So, uh, Grace...
I like a woman who does dirty work.
Oh, you're so lucky!
Say, what's it like to spend time with...
the Sewer Urchin?
[scoffs]
What? Stinky?
He stinks!
Oh, wow!
Now come on, Urchin, what's this all about?
Of course, gotta save The City.
Well, that's our job too.
Oh. I dunno.
Very... very dangerous down there.
[Tick chuckles]
We're not afraid to get our hands dirty!
How bad can it be?
Okay... just try and keep up.
Course, this is my apartment.
Tick: Whoa!
Talk about living high on a low hog!
Urchin! This place is fantastic!
Yeah, be it ever so humble. Ah.
Please wipe your feet. Thank you.
Course, relax. Make yourselves at home.
Enjoy some cocktail weenies.
Just found them this morning.
Tick: I... no thanks.
Arthur: No, we just ate.
Tick: Wow! Did you find all this too?
Uh huh.
It- it's full of money!
Urchin, you're rich!
Yeah. Rich in spirit.
Here, you'd better put these on.
[chuckles]
Aren't you taking this
just a little too seriously?
You definitely don't understand, Tick.
What we're up against here isn't just evil.
It's filth!
Arthur: So, um, exactly who
are we dealing with here?
His name is Lou Salazar.
He was the most despicable civil servant
in the history of solid waste management.
Very bad.
The most corrupt Commissioner
of Sanitation The City's ever had.
[sarcastically]
Ooh, scary!
Yeah. Now he calls himself
Sovereign of the Sewers.
Lou Salazar, Sewer Czar.
Phew! Say that five times fast.
Urchin: No time, Tick.
[Tick chuckles]
[Tick mangles tongue-twister]
Hail Sewer Czar, Czar of the Sewers.
Bad news!
The dreaded Sewer Urchin
has caught wind of our plot.
Even now he combs the netherworld
in search of Your Eminence.
I think he's pretty mad at you.
I see.
No matter.
Yes, he brought me down once before.
My fall from the lofty post
of Sanitation Commissioner
was deep and hard.
But by tomorrow morning,
every faucet, every shower
nozzle, every water bubbler
will spew forth my glorious filth!
I will rise again,
and besmirch The City to its knees!
What are we?!
Filth!
Where do we come from?!
Filth!
Where are we going?!
Filth!
We're filth! We're filth!
We come from filth, we're going to filth!
[chanting continues]
[grunts]
Arthur: Oh, man!
It smells like Sewer
Urchin squared down here!
Yes, but apart from the unholy stench
I think we can certainly function
as well in the sewer as we do up--
[screams]
Arthur: Tick!
Tick! Quick, get outta there!
Oh come on, Urchin, it's not that bad!
Hey, just like soda pop! Huh?
Tick!
Ah! Lobsters! Lobsters!
Tick, don't move.
Ahh! Help!
What happened?! What was that?
What is it with the lobsters?
Sewer lobsters, Tick.
I thought there were
alligators in the sewer.
I mean, I was ready for alligators!
Ah, no. That's definitely
a myth. We got lobsters.
You can always chase them off with
a little melted butter and some lemon.
We'd better keep moving.
Sewer Czar probably know we're here by now.
[playful gibberish]
Oops. Getting dumber!
The mixture's off.
Needs more activated sludge.
This batch is no better than
my earliest experiments in filth.
Back then I thought stupid
filth would cut the mustard.
But the Sewer Urchin thwarted my invasion,
and showed me the error of my ways!
I realized I needed filth of intelligence
to wage my war on the surface world.
I needed... smart filth!
Hello. Who am I?
You're filth.
Got it!
Okay, we're back in business.
[cackles]
Excellent!
By dawn, I'll have enough
smart filth to flood The City!
Hail, Sewer Czar!
Sewer Urchin is getting closer,
and he has two topsiders with him.
Topsiders? Good.
That'll slow him down.
Now take a detachment of filth
and finish off our prickly sewer friend.
Arthur: Ah, T-tick, you know...
[chuckles]
You know Sewer Urchin might be right!
We're heroes, sure we are, but m-maybe
we're not so s-super in the sewer.
We're sworn to protect The City.
And we're just going to have to face it;
that includes the sewers.
Besides, I think we've
weathered the worst of it.
Oh, hey, look! Somebody lost their wallet.
Ah! Tick, no!
Eh?
Wallet angler!
[both scream in terror]
[Urchin screams]
[angler roars]
Yeah. Wallet angler.
Uses a living wallet for bait.
Very dangerous.
[Tick blubbers]
Okay, now listen guys...
if you want to get out
of here in one piece,
stick close to me, and do what I do.
Tick, don't do what you do.
[gasps]
Man, you are so cool down here!
Oh yeah. Down here I'm
considered the apotheosis of cool.
Did you just say "apotheosis?"
We're filth! We're filth!
We come from filth, we're going to filth!
We're filth! We're filth!
We come from filth, we're going to filth!
[chanting continues]
Okay, troops! This is the big one.
Once the Urchin is out of the picture,
we're backing up and overflowing!
Soon the topsiders world
will be ours, and ours alone!
Uh, excuse me, uh, Lou.
Eh, I don't want to
step out of line here,
but seriously, have you
given this much thought?
Excuse me?!
I mean, I think what he
means is those people up there
are the primary generators of filth!
Without them, there'd be no us.
[all mumble in ascent]
It's, uh, pretty much a
symbiotic relationship, Lou.
Listen, you jerks!
[exclaims angrily]
The entire history of humanity
has been one long battle against filth!
I've been there. Oh, I know!
"Oh, clean! Clean! We like clean!"
"Clean it up! Wipe it off! Rinse it out!"
All they want to do is get rid of us.
So why shouldn't we get rid of them?!
Eh, you've got a point there, Lou.
We're filth: we come from filth.
Let's go to filth.
We're filth! We're filth!
We come from filth, we're going to filth!
We're filth! We're filth!
We come from filth, we're going to filth!
We're filth! We're filth!
[sniffs]
What is it? What is it?!
I don't like the smell of this.
I don't like the smell
of anything down here!
What is it?!
[rat squeaks]
Shh!
We're surrounded by filth.
And they're closing in.
Here: take some soap.
Uh, Tick?
Why are we taking a bath in the sewer?
You heard the man! Just lather up.
Arthur: You know, I liked
my life about two hours ago.
Warm. Dry. A cup of coffee at the diner.
A few games of chess.
We're playing a game of chess now, Arthur.
And it's their move.
[filth growl]
[Arthur screams]
Back to back! And keep your suds up!
Okay... um...
Spoon?
[filth growl menacingly]
[Urchin exclaims]
[soap fizzes]
Ahh!
Oh, gross!
[Arthur panics]
[filth scream in terror]
Was that it? Was that the big fight?
Are we done yet?!
Now can we go home?
Not yet. This is only the beginning.
You incompetent goons!
But they had all this foamy white stuff!
Yeah, it was
sweet-smelling and... fresh!
Rats! He's got soap...
Soap, huh?
Well, we hated it.
Of course you hated it! You're filth!
You come from filth you're going to filth!
Y'know, that's just what we were
talking about on the way back.
What exactly does that mean?
Why do we have to go to filth?
Yeah! Why couldn't we go to the Bahamas?
Right! Yeah. See, I mean,
that's what we were thinking!
Ah bup bup bup bup!
Y'know, it's okay to start thinking.
But you've gotta know when to stop!
I'll just have to deal
with Sewer Urchin myself!
Ah, there you are
you lavender menace!
[Arthur whimpers]
Soapy.
Definitely too soapy.
And too wet.
Lou: Wet?!
[cackles]
I'll show you the meaning of wet!
Uh oh.
[all scream]
[Tick & Arthur gurgle]
[Tick gasps, screams]
I don't like the smell of this either.
Methane gas.
Very bad. Very--
[flame roars]
Very flammable!
Gotta go. Bye.
[Tick & Arthur shriek]
Ow!
Tick: Urchin! Look out!
Arthur: Look out!
Tick: Urchin, no!
[Arthur screams]
[both scream]
Children of the depths!
The Sewer Urchin is no more.
That's too bad. He seemed
like a nice enough fella.
Filth! My hour has come around at last!
Now slouch upwards to victory!
[laughs maniacally]
Lou: The City will be mine at last!
Y'know, I'm not sure I like
where this guy is coming from.
Yeah, I'm starting to think
that Lou is just out for Lou!
[Arthur & Tick's screams grow louder]
Ah, if it isn't the Sewer
Urchin's little sidekicks.
It's so nice of you to drop in!
Just in time to see your world destroyed.
Oh yeah?!
Not if we have anything to say about it!
[chuckles]
Topsiders!
Arthur, we may be out of our
element, but we're not out of our league!
I'm with you, Tick.
Lou: Come on! Get it in gear!
Let's go! Step it up!
Tick: Spoon!
Ah!
Sultan of sludge!
I'm putting an end to your pipe dreams.
You're too late.
My filthy minions are already on their way!
[hums to himself]
[scats]
[shrieks in horror]
Your people are doomed.
Urchin: Ahem!
I don't think so.
You?!
Urchin! You're okay!
[Urchin exclaims]
Hey, sorry man. You okay?
[drain slurps]
No!
Don't just stand there, you stupid jerks!
Crush these intruders!
Come on! What are you waiting for?
Well, it's occurred to us that perhaps
Sewer Urchin's solid waste
management philosophy
might be more compatible
with our long-term interests
than the scheme you've put forward.
Yeah, Lou; you stink!
They're right, Lou.
It's people like you who
give filth a bad name!
Hey, guys? Nice work.
Hey, Tick. Arthur.
[chuckles]
Hey, Stinky!
How's it stinkin'?
[sniffs]
Whoa!
You all stink!
Listen, Die Fledermaus...
Ow!
We spent all night learning
an important lesson.
You can't judge a sewer
by its manhole cover.
No, sir, people can be very different
under the surface than they might seem.
Quiet, mild-mannered souls
just might turn out to be
roaring lions of two-fisted cool!
And roaring lions of two-fisted cool
just might have some
crippling lobster problems.
Listen, man,
it's all crazy down
there under the surface!
A lost wallet could bite you in half!
A bar of soap could save your life!
Egad!
A disgusting mound of muck
just might have some
very compelling ideas!
Do you dig my ditch?!
Oh, yeah. Definitely yeah.
Hey Arthur, Hogarth Lemny writes:
Dear Tick, what would you
do if bees took over the world?
Egad, Hogarth!
When the bees implement
their world-wide fascist regime
I will be the first to go
down into the honey mines!
I will be the first to carry their
squirming larvae in my teeth!
To smear royal jelly
on their chosen queen!
And why?! Good heavens.
On account of the stinging!