The Tick (1994–1997): Season 3, Episode 5 - Devil in Diapers - full transcript
An old enemy hides in the Tick and Arthur's apartment while working on a super-weapon.
Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.
[sirens wail]
[grunts with exertion]
Taxi! Taxi!
Go. Go! Go! Go! Go!
Alright, that'll be $4.50, buddy.
[droning]
But I've already paid the fare.
You've already paid the fare.
And I gave you an excellent tip!
You are a perfect
passenger in all respects.
TV: In the future,
one out of every six people
will be Abraham Lincoln.
Where's our bucket of
golden delicious fishes?
Hey, we ordered an hour ago!
[knocks on door]
Ahh, bucket of fishes!
Eh, huh?
[baby gurgles]
Oh, whoa... phew.
O-kay?
Tick: Uh, Arthur...
did we order a baby?
What? I can't hear you!
Huh, comes with instructions.
Please take care of my dear, sweet child.
I know that you are good, kind men
who can protect him from a cruel world
filled with... bad things!
Signed, the baby's mother.
Oh ho ho!
[coos at baby]
[knocks on the door]
Oh, Arthur! Bucket of fishes!
Ahoy sir or madam, I'm
Clammy from Bucket of Fishes.
Your wish is our fish.
Okay, that's one bucket
of fish and a side of...
[gasps]
Old bald guy in diapers!
Yes, isn't he the cutest little thing?
[whimpers]
Tick! Mr. Mental!
[babbles wordlessly]
Baby...
Cute, cute baby.
[dreamily]
Take the money.
[dreamily]
Take the fish.
[chuckles]
Arthur, we're a daddy!
Hah! I've hypnotized those dupes
into believing I'm an adorable little baby!
Now I have only to
assemble the device and...
[screams in anguish]
[Mr. Mental cries]
[baby fusses]
Oh, is baby hungry?
Want some nummers?
Yes, you just park your
diaper right here, little man.
Papa's got a brand-new bag... of fish!
Yes, now we've got all the
protein we need right here.
All we've got to do is just goosh it up!
[Tick chuckles]
Hello?
Minda, it's me!
Ugh, Mel... why are you calling me?
I have told you a
thousand times I have had it
with all that crime. I am
tired of being arrested.
After all, babies are just little people!
Uh... minus the teeth.
[blender whirs]
Minda: I don't want to
dominate the world anymore.
I've got a real job.
Can it, Minda, I'm in big trouble here!
I'm hiding out at The Tick's apartment,
and I need your help, now!
The Tick?! Have you lost your mind?
You don't understand! He's the
only one who can protect me from the--
Tick: No no no!
[chuckles]
Not for baby!
[baby sobs]
Ah, what you need is fresh
fauna from the sea floor,
mashed into a tasty paste.
Yum yum!
Whoosh! Here comes
the dump truck, backing up!
[motor revving sounds]
[various dump truck noises]
Tick: And we're dumping!
[more truck sound effects]
I don't want your crummy food.
Or your freaky love!
Arthur: Mr. Mental! Mr. Mental!
[sighs]
[babbles]
Mister... mister... mister... muh...
[gasps]
[grumbles]
Nincompoop!
Now, I know you're
angry. It's only natural.
Let's just review the down-side.
Mr. Mental did escape, and
he did steal the prototype.
And the blueprint for
your greatest invention.
Up-side? You're Julius Pendecker!
You're a genius!
And I'll betcha there's plenty
more where that came from, mister!
[rages wordlessly]
I know what you're thinking:
power up the robots, storm The City.
Burn it to its foundations
until we find that--
Glorified spoon-bender!
But, that spells public relations disaster.
[grumbles unhappily]
So, why don't you relax and let me
and the boys handle this one quietly.
[pigeons coo]
Tick: Ah, man, what a beautiful day!
Everything seems so much brighter through
the corrective lenses of fatherhood!
Tick, there's something
about this... kid that isn't right.
I-- I had it once.
It began with an "M."
[babbles in thought]
Tick: What are you talking about, man?
We've got abnormal psychic
activity coming from the park.
Getting stronger...
I just don't know about this baby, Tick.
I mean he's adorable and everything, but...
Y'know I can't help feeling
that there's something wrong.
I just don't know if I'm
ready to be a... a co-parent.
[gasps]
You people are sick!
[Tick chatters to baby]
Okay, men.
Each of you has been
equipped with an experimental
Pendecker Series 4
Holograph-Projector Belt.
When activated, it will cloak
you in a three-dimensional image.
In other words, people will
see what we want them to see.
Cool! What do we get to be?
Rampaging thunder lizards?
Giant metal insects?
Yeah, or uh... Dracula?
Set your belts for dingo!
[Tick screams]
[dingo growls]
Dingos!
Dingos!
[men struggle]
[struggle continues]
[dingos yelp]
Dingo: All right, Mel,
let's not make a scene!
You know what we want!
Talking dingos!
[Tick grunts]
Fight, son! Daddy's coming!
[belt crackles]
[Tick babbles in surprise]
Uh, Chuck... we gotta
belt malfunction here.
I'm busy right now!
Come on, Mental! Give us the device!
[Arthur screams]
Easy, boy! Nice doggy!
Dingo, sorry!
Nobody mauls The Tick's sidekick!
And nobody touches The Tick's baby!
Ever!
[commando screams]
Chuck: Pull out! Back to the lab!
That's right, dingo-man dingos!
You messed with the wrong family!
Tick! The baby! The baby's gone!
Baby!
Minda. Minda!
[phone rings]
Captain Sanity's Superhero Sanitarium.
What's your problem?
Oh, I'm sorry. Captain Sanity
is out of the office right now.
Minda.
Minda!
Oh, Mel. Quit the theatrics!
I told you never to call me here.
Minda.
You will go down to The City Cab Company.
There you will ask
for their lost and found.
You will retrieve the silver briefcase.
I am trying to work here, Mel.
Minda!
I command you to see what I've seen!
To know what I know!
Ugh, all right. Make it quick.
I've been held prisoner in Julius
Pendecker's underground lab for months!
His revenge for my daring
theft of his Thinking Cap!
Using my powerful mind as
the lab rat for his experiments,
he created an extraordinary device,
which – when combined with
my extraordinary psychic abilities –
produces mentoplasm!
[phone rings]
Captain Sanity's Superhero Sanitarium.
Certainly. Let me check his appointments.
What? You put me on hold?!
[sighs]
Tick & Arthur: Baby? Baby!
Tick, I'm sure he just wandered off.
We'll split up. I'll take to the air.
Yeah...
All right... that's Bi-Polar Bear...
with a hyphen, or just one word?
Fine! Tuesday, 10 o'clock.
Will you let me finish?!
Mentoplasm!
The substance of psychic energy.
Thought made flesh.
And I wrought it with my own mind!
It was a slave to my will!
Just as I was a slave to Pendecker's.
I broke out last night, Minda,
and took the device with me.
Now I need it to get out of this mess!
I can't play baby for much longer, baby.
Oh, alright.
I'll pick your thing up after work.
But that's it, Mel; no
more letters, no more calls,
no more disembodied
heads popping up at the office!
Baby? Oh, shh... no no no.
Don't be frightened.
It's me, Arthur.
Ah!
Mental: Listen, you doughy wretch!
When I feel like some
strained peaches, I'll call you.
Until then, stay outta my way!
[screams in terror]
Arthur? Arthur, you found him!
Good co-dad!
[whimpers]
Tick: Oh ho ho! Whoo!
Hiding upset baby's little tummy, huh?
Mental: Gah, this can't be happening!
Welp! Off with the old, on with the new!
Mental: Oh, this is humiliating!
[knocks at the door]
Here ya go, Mel.
Uh, the baby's name is Mel?!
Well how do you...
Hey... who are you?
Oh, yeah... well, uh...
I'm the baby's, uh, mother.
So, you'll be wanting
to take little Mel back?
Oh, haha, no no no no no no no no!
You can keep him as long as you want!
I just wanted to bring
Mel his, umm, favorite toy.
Oho! Baby's first steps!
Arthur! Quick, get the camera!
Yeah, don't say thanks or anything, Mel!
[laughs gleefully]
Tick: Hey, Arthur, baby
learned how to lock the door!
Hmm...
[mumbles to himself]
Chuck: With all due respect, sir
I don't think your holographic
belts are ready for field use.
I mean, look at me.
I'm stuck on dingo!
[grumbles wordlessly]
As long as The Tick thinks Mental's a baby,
he'll fight with the rage of ten mothers!
Babies?! Well, fine, two
can play the baby game.
[cackles]
[mumbles quietly]
Pendecker over radio: Don't blow it!
Roger, I'm in position.
Uh, baby.
Mel, honey, whatcha doing in there?
[power tools whine]
[knocks at door]
Hang on!
Daddy'll be right back.
Butt out, moth man!
[gibbers in terror]
[grumbles]
Please take care of my baby, Julius.
Arthur, look! Another baby!
What are the odds?!
[laughs menacingly]
Mah... mih... mis... miss...
Mister!
Mister Ma...
Mister Mena...
Mister Mah... Moo... Men...
Mister Mental!
Close enough.
We're double-daddies now!
[baby grumbles angrily]
[gasps]
Hey Mel, look! You've
got a brand-new brother.
[babies hiss and grunt]
Boys! Boys!
Uh uh!
Looks like my two little
men have a lesson to learn.
[groans painfully]
Mel, Julius...
we all at one time or
another want... stuff.
But there's only so much
stuff to go around in this world,
so sometimes two people,
well, they want the same... stuff.
That's when two people have to
do something we call "sharing."
[gibbers angrily]
Pick a language and use it!
[Mental cackles]
It started with an...
M? Uh, M, yes.
Tick: Hey, hey. Don't you walk away
when I'm talking to you, young man.
I am not a young man!
I am 41 years of age,
and I am tired of being
treated like a baby!
You will treat me like a supervillain!
[babbles angrily]
Man, they grow up so fast!
Tick! It's Mr. Mental!
Behold: the power of the mind made flesh!
[cackles maniacally]
Well, that explains a few things.
[laughing continues]
Unappealing!
[screams]
Ah, now there's a thought!
My ceiling!
Now nothing can stand between me
and the brute force of my glorious mind!
[mumbles painfully]
Dingo! Dingo!
[gibberish]
[loud footfalls]
[Tick grunts]
Tick!
Arthur! It's time to cut the cord!
What?!
[laughs evilly]
Cut cord... right!
[hurried gibberish]
Mine! Dingo!
Pull up! Pull up.
[both grunting]
Gotcha!
Urgh! This hurts me...
more than it hurts you!
[grunts]
Sir! May I suggest a strategic withdrawal?!
[angry gibberish]
Cut... the cord!
Look at me while I'm talking to you!
What?!
Tick: Alright, Arthur!
Bite, lad! Bite that bad string!
Mental: Whoa!
Pendecker: Mental!
You'll pay for this!
You'll pay!
Tick: Ugh!
Eww!
Well, Mel Mental...
I can forgive you for
trying to take over the world,
but not for stealing my heart!
[Mental grunts]
Days from now, Arthur and I will look
around our empty apartment and wonder,
"Where's baby? Where's
our little bundle of joy?!"
And he'll be in prison!
How could you do this to us?
You've made a mockery of
everything this family stands for!
Tick, get a grip!
He's Mr. Mental, he wasn't really a baby.
Everybody was a baby once, Arthur.
Oh sure, maybe not today.
Or even yesterday. But once!
Babies, chum.
Tiny, dimpled, fleshy
little mirrors of our us-ness!
That we parents hurl into the future,
like leathery footballs of hope!
And you gotta get a
good spiral on that baby,
or evil will make an interception!
Ready? Break!
1, 3, 13, 26!
Hike!
Go deep Arthur! Go deeper!
11-year-old Beth Fury writes:
Dear Tick, Why do parents
always tell us what to do
but never ask how we feel?
Grown-ups, Beth Fury,
are a strange breed.
Their brains weigh close to three pounds.
And that's not three
pounds of cheery delight; no!
That's three pounds of
day job and time clock-ery.
Three pounds of the terror and anguish
that is the permanent
emergency of child-rearing!
Think how they feel!
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.
[sirens wail]
[grunts with exertion]
Taxi! Taxi!
Go. Go! Go! Go! Go!
Alright, that'll be $4.50, buddy.
[droning]
But I've already paid the fare.
You've already paid the fare.
And I gave you an excellent tip!
You are a perfect
passenger in all respects.
TV: In the future,
one out of every six people
will be Abraham Lincoln.
Where's our bucket of
golden delicious fishes?
Hey, we ordered an hour ago!
[knocks on door]
Ahh, bucket of fishes!
Eh, huh?
[baby gurgles]
Oh, whoa... phew.
O-kay?
Tick: Uh, Arthur...
did we order a baby?
What? I can't hear you!
Huh, comes with instructions.
Please take care of my dear, sweet child.
I know that you are good, kind men
who can protect him from a cruel world
filled with... bad things!
Signed, the baby's mother.
Oh ho ho!
[coos at baby]
[knocks on the door]
Oh, Arthur! Bucket of fishes!
Ahoy sir or madam, I'm
Clammy from Bucket of Fishes.
Your wish is our fish.
Okay, that's one bucket
of fish and a side of...
[gasps]
Old bald guy in diapers!
Yes, isn't he the cutest little thing?
[whimpers]
Tick! Mr. Mental!
[babbles wordlessly]
Baby...
Cute, cute baby.
[dreamily]
Take the money.
[dreamily]
Take the fish.
[chuckles]
Arthur, we're a daddy!
Hah! I've hypnotized those dupes
into believing I'm an adorable little baby!
Now I have only to
assemble the device and...
[screams in anguish]
[Mr. Mental cries]
[baby fusses]
Oh, is baby hungry?
Want some nummers?
Yes, you just park your
diaper right here, little man.
Papa's got a brand-new bag... of fish!
Yes, now we've got all the
protein we need right here.
All we've got to do is just goosh it up!
[Tick chuckles]
Hello?
Minda, it's me!
Ugh, Mel... why are you calling me?
I have told you a
thousand times I have had it
with all that crime. I am
tired of being arrested.
After all, babies are just little people!
Uh... minus the teeth.
[blender whirs]
Minda: I don't want to
dominate the world anymore.
I've got a real job.
Can it, Minda, I'm in big trouble here!
I'm hiding out at The Tick's apartment,
and I need your help, now!
The Tick?! Have you lost your mind?
You don't understand! He's the
only one who can protect me from the--
Tick: No no no!
[chuckles]
Not for baby!
[baby sobs]
Ah, what you need is fresh
fauna from the sea floor,
mashed into a tasty paste.
Yum yum!
Whoosh! Here comes
the dump truck, backing up!
[motor revving sounds]
[various dump truck noises]
Tick: And we're dumping!
[more truck sound effects]
I don't want your crummy food.
Or your freaky love!
Arthur: Mr. Mental! Mr. Mental!
[sighs]
[babbles]
Mister... mister... mister... muh...
[gasps]
[grumbles]
Nincompoop!
Now, I know you're
angry. It's only natural.
Let's just review the down-side.
Mr. Mental did escape, and
he did steal the prototype.
And the blueprint for
your greatest invention.
Up-side? You're Julius Pendecker!
You're a genius!
And I'll betcha there's plenty
more where that came from, mister!
[rages wordlessly]
I know what you're thinking:
power up the robots, storm The City.
Burn it to its foundations
until we find that--
Glorified spoon-bender!
But, that spells public relations disaster.
[grumbles unhappily]
So, why don't you relax and let me
and the boys handle this one quietly.
[pigeons coo]
Tick: Ah, man, what a beautiful day!
Everything seems so much brighter through
the corrective lenses of fatherhood!
Tick, there's something
about this... kid that isn't right.
I-- I had it once.
It began with an "M."
[babbles in thought]
Tick: What are you talking about, man?
We've got abnormal psychic
activity coming from the park.
Getting stronger...
I just don't know about this baby, Tick.
I mean he's adorable and everything, but...
Y'know I can't help feeling
that there's something wrong.
I just don't know if I'm
ready to be a... a co-parent.
[gasps]
You people are sick!
[Tick chatters to baby]
Okay, men.
Each of you has been
equipped with an experimental
Pendecker Series 4
Holograph-Projector Belt.
When activated, it will cloak
you in a three-dimensional image.
In other words, people will
see what we want them to see.
Cool! What do we get to be?
Rampaging thunder lizards?
Giant metal insects?
Yeah, or uh... Dracula?
Set your belts for dingo!
[Tick screams]
[dingo growls]
Dingos!
Dingos!
[men struggle]
[struggle continues]
[dingos yelp]
Dingo: All right, Mel,
let's not make a scene!
You know what we want!
Talking dingos!
[Tick grunts]
Fight, son! Daddy's coming!
[belt crackles]
[Tick babbles in surprise]
Uh, Chuck... we gotta
belt malfunction here.
I'm busy right now!
Come on, Mental! Give us the device!
[Arthur screams]
Easy, boy! Nice doggy!
Dingo, sorry!
Nobody mauls The Tick's sidekick!
And nobody touches The Tick's baby!
Ever!
[commando screams]
Chuck: Pull out! Back to the lab!
That's right, dingo-man dingos!
You messed with the wrong family!
Tick! The baby! The baby's gone!
Baby!
Minda. Minda!
[phone rings]
Captain Sanity's Superhero Sanitarium.
What's your problem?
Oh, I'm sorry. Captain Sanity
is out of the office right now.
Minda.
Minda!
Oh, Mel. Quit the theatrics!
I told you never to call me here.
Minda.
You will go down to The City Cab Company.
There you will ask
for their lost and found.
You will retrieve the silver briefcase.
I am trying to work here, Mel.
Minda!
I command you to see what I've seen!
To know what I know!
Ugh, all right. Make it quick.
I've been held prisoner in Julius
Pendecker's underground lab for months!
His revenge for my daring
theft of his Thinking Cap!
Using my powerful mind as
the lab rat for his experiments,
he created an extraordinary device,
which – when combined with
my extraordinary psychic abilities –
produces mentoplasm!
[phone rings]
Captain Sanity's Superhero Sanitarium.
Certainly. Let me check his appointments.
What? You put me on hold?!
[sighs]
Tick & Arthur: Baby? Baby!
Tick, I'm sure he just wandered off.
We'll split up. I'll take to the air.
Yeah...
All right... that's Bi-Polar Bear...
with a hyphen, or just one word?
Fine! Tuesday, 10 o'clock.
Will you let me finish?!
Mentoplasm!
The substance of psychic energy.
Thought made flesh.
And I wrought it with my own mind!
It was a slave to my will!
Just as I was a slave to Pendecker's.
I broke out last night, Minda,
and took the device with me.
Now I need it to get out of this mess!
I can't play baby for much longer, baby.
Oh, alright.
I'll pick your thing up after work.
But that's it, Mel; no
more letters, no more calls,
no more disembodied
heads popping up at the office!
Baby? Oh, shh... no no no.
Don't be frightened.
It's me, Arthur.
Ah!
Mental: Listen, you doughy wretch!
When I feel like some
strained peaches, I'll call you.
Until then, stay outta my way!
[screams in terror]
Arthur? Arthur, you found him!
Good co-dad!
[whimpers]
Tick: Oh ho ho! Whoo!
Hiding upset baby's little tummy, huh?
Mental: Gah, this can't be happening!
Welp! Off with the old, on with the new!
Mental: Oh, this is humiliating!
[knocks at the door]
Here ya go, Mel.
Uh, the baby's name is Mel?!
Well how do you...
Hey... who are you?
Oh, yeah... well, uh...
I'm the baby's, uh, mother.
So, you'll be wanting
to take little Mel back?
Oh, haha, no no no no no no no no!
You can keep him as long as you want!
I just wanted to bring
Mel his, umm, favorite toy.
Oho! Baby's first steps!
Arthur! Quick, get the camera!
Yeah, don't say thanks or anything, Mel!
[laughs gleefully]
Tick: Hey, Arthur, baby
learned how to lock the door!
Hmm...
[mumbles to himself]
Chuck: With all due respect, sir
I don't think your holographic
belts are ready for field use.
I mean, look at me.
I'm stuck on dingo!
[grumbles wordlessly]
As long as The Tick thinks Mental's a baby,
he'll fight with the rage of ten mothers!
Babies?! Well, fine, two
can play the baby game.
[cackles]
[mumbles quietly]
Pendecker over radio: Don't blow it!
Roger, I'm in position.
Uh, baby.
Mel, honey, whatcha doing in there?
[power tools whine]
[knocks at door]
Hang on!
Daddy'll be right back.
Butt out, moth man!
[gibbers in terror]
[grumbles]
Please take care of my baby, Julius.
Arthur, look! Another baby!
What are the odds?!
[laughs menacingly]
Mah... mih... mis... miss...
Mister!
Mister Ma...
Mister Mena...
Mister Mah... Moo... Men...
Mister Mental!
Close enough.
We're double-daddies now!
[baby grumbles angrily]
[gasps]
Hey Mel, look! You've
got a brand-new brother.
[babies hiss and grunt]
Boys! Boys!
Uh uh!
Looks like my two little
men have a lesson to learn.
[groans painfully]
Mel, Julius...
we all at one time or
another want... stuff.
But there's only so much
stuff to go around in this world,
so sometimes two people,
well, they want the same... stuff.
That's when two people have to
do something we call "sharing."
[gibbers angrily]
Pick a language and use it!
[Mental cackles]
It started with an...
M? Uh, M, yes.
Tick: Hey, hey. Don't you walk away
when I'm talking to you, young man.
I am not a young man!
I am 41 years of age,
and I am tired of being
treated like a baby!
You will treat me like a supervillain!
[babbles angrily]
Man, they grow up so fast!
Tick! It's Mr. Mental!
Behold: the power of the mind made flesh!
[cackles maniacally]
Well, that explains a few things.
[laughing continues]
Unappealing!
[screams]
Ah, now there's a thought!
My ceiling!
Now nothing can stand between me
and the brute force of my glorious mind!
[mumbles painfully]
Dingo! Dingo!
[gibberish]
[loud footfalls]
[Tick grunts]
Tick!
Arthur! It's time to cut the cord!
What?!
[laughs evilly]
Cut cord... right!
[hurried gibberish]
Mine! Dingo!
Pull up! Pull up.
[both grunting]
Gotcha!
Urgh! This hurts me...
more than it hurts you!
[grunts]
Sir! May I suggest a strategic withdrawal?!
[angry gibberish]
Cut... the cord!
Look at me while I'm talking to you!
What?!
Tick: Alright, Arthur!
Bite, lad! Bite that bad string!
Mental: Whoa!
Pendecker: Mental!
You'll pay for this!
You'll pay!
Tick: Ugh!
Eww!
Well, Mel Mental...
I can forgive you for
trying to take over the world,
but not for stealing my heart!
[Mental grunts]
Days from now, Arthur and I will look
around our empty apartment and wonder,
"Where's baby? Where's
our little bundle of joy?!"
And he'll be in prison!
How could you do this to us?
You've made a mockery of
everything this family stands for!
Tick, get a grip!
He's Mr. Mental, he wasn't really a baby.
Everybody was a baby once, Arthur.
Oh sure, maybe not today.
Or even yesterday. But once!
Babies, chum.
Tiny, dimpled, fleshy
little mirrors of our us-ness!
That we parents hurl into the future,
like leathery footballs of hope!
And you gotta get a
good spiral on that baby,
or evil will make an interception!
Ready? Break!
1, 3, 13, 26!
Hike!
Go deep Arthur! Go deeper!
11-year-old Beth Fury writes:
Dear Tick, Why do parents
always tell us what to do
but never ask how we feel?
Grown-ups, Beth Fury,
are a strange breed.
Their brains weigh close to three pounds.
And that's not three
pounds of cheery delight; no!
That's three pounds of
day job and time clock-ery.
Three pounds of the terror and anguish
that is the permanent
emergency of child-rearing!
Think how they feel!