The Thick of It (2005–2012): Season 3, Episode 1 - Episode #3.1 - full transcript

Ed!
Get Tom Rudd in. Now.

Were offering him Northern
Ireland, the lucky sod.

I think he's expecting
to be offered Transport.

Well, tell him he's taking the bus
to George Best airport, right?

He's making Paul Remington
a cabinet minister.

Rem-tard Remington.

I mean the guy is an epic...

Fuck-up.

He's so dense, that light
bends around him.

Come on, people!
Let's get going here.

I've got a to-do list
here, that's longer



than a fucking
Leonard Cohen song.

Rem-tard in Energy and Climate change.

Really?
I'm not getting that.

It's not on here. How did you get that?
About Remington.

Refresh the page!

Yeah...ah, ah yeah.

Oh, look, Fatty's staying put.
They're not moving Fatty!

Yeah, well, that's because they haven't got
five big blokes and a winch.

They couldn't really demote Fatty,
because he knows too much.

Doesn't know where the
Ryvita's kept, does he?

I've got this re-shuffle going on.

The Leamington Spa
bi-election coming up.

I've got more on my plate
than a spinster at a wedding.

That wasn't a reference to your
daughter, by the way, Andrew.



Well. That's Hugh gone then.

- That's so sad, isn't it...Hugh.
- Yeah.

You don't give a shit!

No, well, perhaps I don't.

Northern Ireland office - Tom Rudd.
Who's Tom Rudd? Tom Rudd?

Isn't he in Harry Potter?

Tom Rudd is army slang
for standing up buggery.

Doug, Doug - Dougy!

Look at you - cock the size
of the Pink Panther's tail.

Come and have a Kit Kat.

Uhm... I'm afraid I turned it down, Malcolm.

You know that 90% of household dust is
made of dead human skin?

That's what you are.

To me.

Doug Hays is a massive abortion.

Again, not a reference to your daughter.

We need somebody to plug
this DoSaC hole.

Anybody.
Fucking mammal with a head.

Have you two finished
emptying your desks yet?

Yes, don't worry Terri,
we're all ready to go.

I'm just trying to get
everything organized

for whenever whoever arrives.

They are gonna have
their own people.

It's gonna be very embarassing if your
handcream's still in the drawer.

Handcream?

Yeah, or whatever men have.
I don't know...

electric nose-hair trimmers...
Ex-Lax...

Awww, look at Glenn...
Your face.

On the scrapheap
at the tender age of 76

it's no life for you,
is it Glenn-nes.

Hey, do you want me
to call Dignitas?

I could call Indignitas.

They could come around and shove you out
of the window, dressed as a clown.

Sam, Sam...

Get me uhm...
Nicola Murray. Yeah.

If she says no, the only other
candidate is my left bollock

with a fucking smiley face
drawn on it.

Ladies and gentlemen...

May I introduce the
new Secretary of State ...

- Hello
-for the Dpt. of Social Affairs

... and Citizenship,
Nicola Murray.

- Thank you.
- Hello. Lovely to meet you.

- Hello, hi.
- I'm Glenn.

- Glenn Cullen.
- How lovely to meet you.

- These are just
Hugh's previous incumbents.

- Ken and Ollie?
- No, Glenn...

- Ollie Reeder.
- Right.

- Are you an Ollie or an Oliver?

- I'm whichever you prefer.

Well okay, Oliver. I like
the name Oliver.

- Well, Ollie. I don't know...
- Oh, you are an Ollie.

... don't know why I said that.

- Thank you.
- Good.

I'm the ideas man.

- Sorry... I've gotta...

Thank you.
Just need a ... one second.

Uhm.. Yes I know.
But they frog-marched me into it.

I didn't know...
I had no idea.

James, be fair! I left
seven fucking messages for you.

Your secretary, or whoever, is useless.

I don't think the school thing
is gonna be a problem.

It's not going to be a problem, cause
they have vetted me at Number 10.

And obviously nobody has
soiled themselves ... or shot me.

Great, well I'll take your warm
congratulations as implied.

Fucking arsehole.

- You alright?
- Yes, it's all a bit crazy, you know.

Just feels like my head is made
entirely of smoke alarms.

It's all just a bit - ugh!

Yes, well it was all a bit of
a shock for us all, you know.

- In a good way, in a good way.
- Good.

Well like twins, or a tax rebate.

Yes, let me continue with the tour.

That's such a nice chair...

This was Glenn's office.

Is there a chance of getting
something like that?

Would you like me to have
it moved to your office?

- Great, you could you do that?

- Right.. Ollie... ?
- Ollie, that's right.

Glenn and Ollie, what
I need to know from you, really...

...is all the stuff that Terri's
not gonna tell me

- the stuff she's gonna keep from me.
- Oh, huge list.

- Where the bodies are buried.
- Exactly.

- Yes, the plague pits.

The big cardboard boxes full of
bits of old junior minister.

Just going to sort out
that policy digest.

- Lovely.

Urban renewal is a bit
of a running sore.

- In what way?

Well, it's very wooly and big.

Sounds like a mammoth.
(laughter)

Right... Okay, so uhm...

My big thing... Come in actually.
Come in to my office

with nowhere to sit
or put anything.

My primary focus is
social mobility.

- That's very much my big thing.
- Right.

And I suppose I'm telling you that really,
partly to get your take on it

and also so that you can
start spreading the news

and printing the posters.
And, you know.

Fire up the turbochargers,
set the phasers to equality.

- It's Murray time!
- Well, the thing is

and Ollie, please, correct me
here if I'm wrong

- I will certainly do that.

Social mobility - making people
richer, costs money

Yes, and we don't have
any of that.

If you speak to
Nick in the Treasury

he will tell you the same

with his annoying lisp.

What you're telling me that
I'm going to be a woman

with a computer and some pens.

Well, it's just the pen budget.

I mean I have about as
much real power

as those twats who sit
either side of Alan Sugar.

Well... Yes.

Secretary of State, we have some
clothes for you to look at

- for a press photograph later.
- Oh.

- We can do this later, maybe?
- Definately.

- You're a size 16?

- I'm 12.

I'm so sorry, I will get those changed.
Right away.

At the moment
I've got nobody at all.

Apart from Hugh's guys

who are just kind of
so fucking patronising

And cold. Seriously, one of them
looks exactly like

he works in menswear at Selfridges.

I don't know what
the fuck to say to him.

Secretary of State?

- Yes?
- Your fruit salad.

- Thank you.

Oh I've just had a couple
of press calls

Couple of the papers asking about
your husband and the PFI.

Already? My God.
They're so on it.

Could you brief me?

Yes, sorry... It's honestly nothing.

James works for Albany,
which is the company

that was awarded the PFI prison's
contract by this department.

I know that sounds bad,
but actually James wasn't at Albany

when the contracts were awarded
and I wasn't here, so

- Yeah, maybe.
- It's not a conflict of interest.

I think you could just run
that by Malcolm.

He's on his way in.

Not Malcolm... He's what now?
Coming in?

Yes, he'll be up in 25 seconds.

Okay... Fuck.
Right.

So Malcolm Tucker, Malcolm Tucker,
Malcolm Tucker!

Malcolm.... I'm not nervous,
you know, it's just...

Malcolm's sort of one of those
things that I'm aware of

without ever having really
come into to contact

...with. Like a rat.

No, he'd hate that.
He thinks of himself more as a sort of

thin white Mugabe.

Do you think?

Because if you are
worried about Malcolm

we have amassed a few tips

how to deal with him,
over the years.

We have worked out when he's
gonna give you a verbal colonic

and some avoidance manouvers.

Thai-kwan-spin!

Is this the No. 1 Ladies Detective Agency?

- Malcolm Tucker!
The real deal.

- Hello.
- The real deal. Good to see you.

You're looking great.

All right, Hinge and Bracket. Time
to go and hang up your lady cocks.

Nicola Murray. Here you are.
Secretary of State

for the Department of Social Affairs
and Citizenship.

Yep, I now have one the of the longest
job titles in the Western politics.

Thank god I don't have to wear
a lapel badge.

It's a pity we couldn't just make
an abbreviation of it, you know

like PFI.

Which I think stands for
Pretty Fucking Embarrassing.

If you're a bit sloppy
with the details.

Which clearly your
fucking husband is.

Okay, look.
James works for Albany, fine.

He wasn't even working there when
the contract was awarded.

- Don't worry... That was just me.
- Okay, right. fine.

That's the sort of thing
the press will throw at you.

I mean - you step out of line,
they'll be all over you.

Like a pidgeon on a chip.

Is that your chair?

Oh god, yeah. It's cool,
isn't it?

It's got lumbar support.

Bin it.

People don't like their politicians
to be comfortable.

They don't like you having expenses,
they don't like you being paid

they rather you lived in
a fucking cave.

Okay, fine. So...

What should I be sitting on?
Should I just get an upturned KFC bucket?

Just a fucking normal chair.
Right?

Not a fucking massive
vibrating throne!

Malcolm must be hating this.

All these bright fresh new
ministers to blood in.

and to plan a bi-election.

If it's any consolation to you

a little bit of you will always be
in this department

because she's nabbed your chair.

Hasn't she? She has got your chair,
and, in fact, your dandruff.

Hahaha. If I go, that chair
is coming with me.

You know those old men you see
who go to the park to read the paper?

That'll be you.

You could go in your chair.

They'll make you king of
all the tramps.

So uh... You have three kids, yeah?

- I've got four.
- Four?

Katie's sixteen, she's the eldest.
She's just left school.

Not going to college or university?

Uhm, she's a bit of a rebel.

What sort of a rebel?

What are we talking here?
Are we talking a pierced navel

or holidays at Pakistani
training camp?

It's chiefly heroin.

Although she has cut down since
getting pregnant

by that Nigerian people
smuggler, because

the track marks would have
affected her porn career.

- I'm sorry to disturb. Uhm.

- Morning Malcolm.
- Morning, Terri.

Just wanted to give you
a few things - here

that's change from
the fruit salad

this is this morning's papers.
Do excuse me.

I'm surprised that you
hadn't vetted me

I thought you'd know
about the kids.

It's just that you were a sort of
late-ish kind of appointment.

That didn't quite give
me the time to

to fuck the I's and
fist the T's

as Robert Robertson might say.

Sound to me like, she's only bringing
in one other person, so

I wonder whether she might keep
one of us on permanently.

Thank god I'm safe.

Geez- we know you're safe, Terri!

How do we know you're safe?

We know you're safe, because
you keep using the word 'safe'

like bloody Jim Bowen.

You've got DoSaC,
that's safe

do you want to go for
the Treasury, young lady.

Okay, Mrs. Walton.

What about these other kids?

What ages are they?

They're 11, 9 and 5.

Eleven?

-Mhm.

So it's a secondary school?

No, she's still at a primary -
state primary.

Lovely little school
with terrible SATs results,

but a really good kind of
broad demographic,

and steel band.

She will be going to secondary school,
what - in September?

Yeah, yeah.

So... uhm...

I can see where
this is going.

Uhm.. it's not
an issue.

Great! If it's not an issue I'll
just fucking toddle off then

I will go and have a nice relaxing
wee sleep under me duvet

I probably won't even have to tug myself off
cause I'm so fucking relaxed about that.

Cause I know that there is
no fucking issue here.

Right?

She's not going to
the comprehensive, Malcolm.

She's going to a local
independent school.

Jesus H. fucking... Corbett.

Do you honestly think-

Do you honestly believe that as a minister
you can get away with that?

You are saying that all your
local state schools

all the schools that this government
has drastically improved

are knife-addled
rape sheds

and that's not
a big story?

For fuck's sake!

Sort it, or abort it!

Let's get this clear.

My family is off limits.

Alright? This job is not going to get
anywhere near my husband

and my kids.
Just doesn't.

Of course it fucking does.

as per the wee bar code

and the serial number
under your right armpit

you are now built and owned
by the state

and you're under the spotlight
24 hours a day, darling!

You know what you are?

You're a fucking
human dart-board.

and Eric fucking Bristow's on the oche
flinging a million darts

made of human shit
right at you.

Can you take that?
Can you?

Okay, look. You -
the all-swearing eye -

You didn't even know how
many kids I had.

You had to ask me.

So who on Earth in the press is
gonna even know or care?

Do you remeber
The Big Breakfast?

- Remember that program?
- Yes!

Remeber how Chris Evans started that?
D'you remember it was a big success?

And then they had that guy
Johnny Vaughan - remember him?

Everybody loved him. Fuck knows why
but they loved him.

Do you know what
this is here?

This here -
is fucking series 10.

of The Big Breakfast.

And you know
what you are?

You're the fucking
dinner lady

that they have asked to come
to present the show.

The reason I didn't know
about you and your children

is 'cause you were so low

down
on the list

of candidates for this job

I didn't even have the chance
to look into you.

So low.

Waaaaay waaay waaay
way way way

... low.

You are now being scrutinized for
what you wear, what you say.

For your hair,
your shoes

your fucking earrings,
your fucking cleavage

and your dress - which
by the way

is way too loud.

- Too loud?
- Yeah! I'm getting fucking tinnitus here.

Look.

Your crooked husband -
I can make go away.

But your crooked husband combined
with you being worried about

your underaged daughter coming
home up the duff

from some truanting bastard -
I cannot.

She goes to the comp - okay?

Oh, God.

You Glenn, yes
and or Ollie.

Terri!
Just a quick update really.

- How did it go?
- It was all very positive

we sort of know where
we all stand now

the PFI thing you know about
- not a problem, Malcolm's fine.

Second little thing I've
just apprised Malcolm of

is that my eleven year-old daughter
will be going to a private school.

- Oh, for fuck's sake!

- Sorry...
- It's a personal issue

I'm not Education Secretary, so

Nor will you be!

Secretary of State - with respect -

this is political suicide.

- Thank you very much
for your support, Glenn.

I was just hoping there might be
a way round this.

I'm sorry, there is no way around it,
it's horrible,

It's a bit like Dover.

You know, if you wanna
go to France

you've got to go through it.

Well you don't have to go through
Dover to get to France

you can go through Weymouth,
go through Portsmouth, there's plenty-

I don't want to go to Dover.

I don't want to go to
fucking Dover or France!

I just want my daughter to
be happy at school.

Great, well that's good,
that's excellent.

That's a super message to send out,
show's you've got principles

Yes, that's what I think.

For fuck's sake Ollie,
there is no point

telling her just what she
wants to hear, is there?

Also, Terri?

Er, yes, I'm sorry, but personal
issues are not my brief.

Okay, thank you
for that.

The chair -
the lumbar chair

has to go in skip,
Malcolm insisted.

Oh, okay.

Not now, cause I've got
work to do

but if you could get somebody...
Apparently, if you have a nice chair

it turns you into
Saddam Hussein.

This entire building
smells of coleslaw.

Ah, so -
first cabinet meeting.

How do you feel?

Anxious, nervous,
worried?

Well she probably wasn't until you said
"anxious, nervous, worried?"

like you're an advert
for Tamazipan.

If I'm sick all over the Foreign Secretary
- would that look bad?

No - Geoffrey Howe shat himself on
his first morning.

Ollie, please!

Well I find that kind of tomfoolery
very tiresome.

Sorry - Terri,
what's the driver's name?

It always makes you look more human
if you know their name

and I am human, so...

It's Elvis.

Seriously, what's
his name.

No, it's Elvis.

He's from the Ukraine,
you see.

And nobody can pronouce
the real name

so they call him Elvis on
account of the - uhuhuh.

What?

Take a peek.

Hey, what's wrong with you?

You look like you've shat
a Lego garage or something.

Jim Lane's daughter is standing as an
independent in Leamington Spa.

(Angry noises)
Shit. Fuck!

This is going to split
our vote.

Do you think we're
in trouble?

Maybe we should have chosen
her over Liam Bentley.

No. She thinks just because her
dead fat-ass dad was the MP

that give her the right to be
our candidate.

No no no. This isn't
tsarist Russia.

It's not the fucking Dimblebys.

What do we do?

We send everyone up there.

To support Liam Bentley,
including the Prime Minister.

You want to send Tom
up there?

Yeah, fuck it, he'll be alright, as
long as he doesn't do the smile.

You hit the phones, right?

I'll be with you in two shakes
of a crying baby.

Wow.

Black widow.

Malcolm.

Congratulations, first cabinet.
I heard you wowed them.

The meeting's literally just finished,
how would you know that?

PM texted me - he's
very impressed.

You could be nominated for
best newcomer.

Really?

No.

You knew Jim Lyn,
didn't you?

The dead fucker.
God rest him.

Yeah, I did a bit
back home.

Very sad - all those weeks
on life support.

Nice chair.

Sad? Lying on you back, getting fed
nutrients through a tube?

It's my idea of a fucking
holiday.

How would you like to
go to Leamington?

When?

This morning.

It's never too soon
to go to Leamington.

I've just taken over a department,
I have a hell of a ...

You've been asked by the PM

specifically to pop
along to Leamington

and do some photo ops
with Liam Bentley.

Supporting him, yeah?

I don't really have any
choice, do I?

Of course you have
a choice.

You can decide exactly
how you say "yes".

You can do it with a voice.

Have fun with it.

Yes.

In my own voice.

I look forward to
toasting your success.

Have a lovely time in
Leamington, yeah?

Can I go?

Of course you can
fucking go.

Jesus.

Never easy.
Never fucking easy.

- Yeah, hi.
- Hey.

Um, yeah.

- Glenn.
- Glenn ...

What do you think of
Glenn?

Huh. Well it's sort of like asking
what I think of skirting boards

I mean I assume that we need them
but I'm not really sure why.

I'm finding him
very old-school.

Well, yes.
He's ancient school, really.

Glenn - he used to get his packed
lunch nicked by Plato

he's an old ...

So I'd like you to come up to
Leamington with me.

Oh great, yeah.
Well, it's a...

it's my favourite of
the spa towns.

Apart from all
the other, so.

Okay, lovely. So if you could
just get

uhm, Terri in.
Please.

Sure!

- Terri!
- Yeah?

You're on.

What?

What were you and Bravo Two Zero
talking about in there?

- Who?
- Her, you know.

Her in there.
Bravo Two Zero.

Well, I don't know what
that means, Glenn.

Yes you do - no,
I don't mean that, I mean

Juliet Bravo.

You've completely lost me,
Glenn. I really ...

Juliet Bravo! She was a
lady policeman.

A lady policeman? Did the last 30
years not happen to you?

- What?
- Have you been asleep

in a box of full of straw
like a Blue Peter tortoise?

Lady policeman.

I've asked Ollie to come up
to Leamington with me.

- Ollie?
- Yeah.

I can't really connect
with Glenn.

You think I shouldn't have
asked Ollie?

No no - I didn't say that.

You sort of did with
your face.

No no, Ollie has got
plenty of good points.

It's just he's ...

well he's a little bit morally bankrupt
and massively self-centred.

And a tiny bit dangerously
unreliable.

But he has got a lot of good points,
as I say.

Great - well
thank you.

Can you just sent
Glenn in for me?

Glenn!

Nicola would like
to see you.

- Hi Glenn, take a seat.
-Thank you.

You ever worked in
retail, Glenn?

No, never have.

Oh, just...

Uhm, so what do you
think of

Terri - do you
trust her?

No.

Right - cause she just told me she
sort of prefers you to Ollie.

When I say I don't
trust her -

What I mean is I don't
trust her around money.

Really?

Blimey, what - she
steals?

No no no no - I'm
not saying anything like that.

Cause actually - I got very little
change from my fruit salad.

No no no - let me just
row back a little bit here.

Perhaps, uhm...

all the way to the boathouse.

Actually, I do
trust Terri.

Okay.

Your chair's gone.

Oh yes, yeah...
I had to

bin it - Malcolm insisted.

But it was my chair.

Oh right, I...
It was

It was decadent, Glenn.

It was a chair
gone mad.

Do you know where
it's gone?

Skip.

Skip.

I'm sorry - for your loss.

I paid 600 pounds
for that chair.

How's her hair?

Terri, you'll be delighted to know
that the Secretary of State is now

checking her hair
in my glasses.

You're on TV live.

What now?

You're on now -
apparently.

Why are you
squatting down?

Ah - there she is.

Malcolm - Nicola
will be there in a minute.

No, you're in the shot
actually, Ollie.

Why I'm in shot?

* Nicola Murray! *

Hi everybody,
well - uhm

I'm very pleased
to see

a number of familiar
faces here - Hello!

Isn't see good
with the people?

Yeah, she is.

But then - so is Kate Thornton

and she's wanted
for war crimes.

Ladies and gentlemen

let's take a look at Liam
Bentley's election poster.

Mrs Murray, do you feel
your husband's involvement

in the PFI's prisons contract
compromises your position?

Well, I'm just here to support
Liam Bentley

You don't think there's
a conflict of interest?

No - I really don't.

- Excellent.
- She's handling this very well, Malcolm.

You think?

Will you resign,
minister?

Oh shut up,
you twat!

... and I think they're
interested also in

greater opportunities
for social ...

Looking terrific, Ollie.

What? Sorry?

A little bit edgy.

Can you please make sure

Nicola's right in the middle.

She doesn't look
important enough

could you just -
move her over.

- Could you move for a second. ?
- Right here?

Perfect!

- Perfect, that looks terrific.
- No no no ...

No!
Jesus - Terri!

The letters!

That's great there.

What does is say,
Terri?

- It says Liam...
- No it doesn't

- ... Bentley.
- Not there it fucking doesn't!

- Back where you were -
please, stay

This is obviously
the hot spot.

Well okay, if you cropped in then ...

Well of course if you crop!

Malcolm!

You tried.

You really tried.

Did your best,
mate.

Very happy with it.

You both did
your best.

Thanks.

Big smile!

Hi darling! Did you see
mummy on the telly?

I know,
did I look funny?

It did, good boy.

It said "I am bent".

Have you uhm...

Yes.

You wanker, Olly.

Yeah, is this now official
nuisance calling?

Great - someone's just sent
me a Youtube clip

which is me, in front of
the "I am bent" sign

randomly intercut with
bits from Family Guy.

It's not even funny! Why do people
fucking do that on Youtube!

Look - let's learn and grow
from this experience.

We can make a blacklist
of words

you should never
stand in front of.

In case the press get
to do something like this.

- Peacock.
- Peacock, sure.

Shuttlecock. Spatchcock.

- Anything cock, really.
- The cock words, yeah.

You remember that
folk singer - Tim Hardin.

Well you'd be able to get
"I'm hard."

Out of that.

Coarsefishing - that could be
arsefish if you crop that.

And walkie-talkie could be
cropped to say

alkie - twice.

There are no
walkie-talkie

why would I stand in front
of a walkie-talkie sign?

Malkie-Malkie.

Well you know, Howard,
she's not bent

either in the sense of
being corrupt or being gay.

And by the way, that's an
incredibly homophobic

headline, you massive poof.

You've got egg on your
face, Howard.

You over-easy
piss-bag.

Oh hey, Yoko Ono and
the two remaining Beatles

piss off.

Right - any chance we could just
skip over the usual abuse bit

and move on to the part where
we sort this out.

Yeah.

You need to make
a decision.

Are you still going ahead
with the private school

because if you are, we need
to draft a statement

saying that your husband
is leaving his job.

Are you taking the piss?

You're expecting me
to choose between

fucking up my
daughter's life

and fucking up
my husband's life?

Yeah.

So I just have to choose
between them.

Like they're on some fucking
cosmic dessert trolley.

Listen darling, I can't fight on
two fronts, you know?

If the press run with both
of these stories

you're fucking dead.

You set this up,
didn't you?

What?

To put me in
my place?

Or get back at me

for ignoring your advice?

Or some other weird
perceived slight

that doesn't in any way merit

this massive fucking out-of-proportion
Israeli-style response.

You don't realise - I'm your
fucking fairy godfather, right?

Jesus - God
help me!

I'm your fairy
fucking godfather.

But I haven't got
a magic wand

that I can wave about

but I've got a fucking Blackberry
and a chiv.

You've got a decision to make,

You make it -
talk to you later.

Malcolm!

Sorry - could we just carry on
talking about that thing?

Was it you who positioned
me there?

Do you know what the first
sign of madness is?

Paranoia.

Have you seen that film -
A Beautiful Mind

the one with that
Russell Crowe?

The one with
the maths guy

he thinks the CIA are
working away in a shed

at the bottom of his garden.

That's you.

No. I am not
the mad one here.

You are the mad one.

You're Russell Crowe.

Oh no no no.
You are Russell Crowe.

And you need to fucking
listen to me, Russell

you fucking antipodean, fucking
kangaroo-loving fruitcake.

See this poster stuff

that's fucking
small fry

that's fucking whitebait,
Russ, me old cobber.

The really horrible stuff

that's all still about to
happen to you - right?

Right, you're coming in here so
we can carry this on?

- What, now?
- If you can spare the time!

Uh, no.

I - no. I can't...

I don't use lifts,
I'm claustrophobic.

You're - what?

Not hugely -
I can be in rooms

you've seen that - I just
don't do lifts - that's all.

But this lift is - I mean it's
fucking huge!

I mean this is bigger
than some rooms

this is bigger than
some people's flats.

It's about not being able
to get out.

Oh, well that's great.

That's fucking great.

That's another fucking thing
right there.

Not only you've got a fucking
bent husband

and a fucking daughter that
gets taken to school

in a fucking sedan chair.

you're also fucking
mental!

Jesus Christ,
see you

you are a fucking omni-shambles,
that's what you are.

You're like that coffee machine,
you know

from bean to cup,
you fuck up.

He so is Russell Crowe.

- Who?

Nicola, I did want to tell you
that I

I did try to get a message through
to Ollie ...

- I know.
- I have been doing this

a long time now,
by which I mean, you know

in an experienced, firm-hand-on-
the-tiller sort of way.

Not in a clapped-out-
over-the-hill kind of way.

- Yeah I know.
- I've learned to look out

for these sort of things

I have developed a kind of
sonar for them now

like a bat.

Glenn, do you want to...

would you want to maybe
stay on

I could use that sonar.

Batty man.

Right.

Uh, forgive me...

I think that's

Jamaican slang for
"homosexual".

Yes, I was thinking that
as I said it

I'm really sorry -
I didn't.

No no no no.

I'm on my way down -

see you by
the front door, Elvis.

Have you decided?

Oh, shit.

Yes, Malcolm,
you know I have.

I decided the minute you told me
I had to decide.

I'm gonna change
Ella's schools.

Good for you.

Listen - I'm gonna try and get
your social mobility thing moving.

I talked to the chancellor

I'm gonna really keep banging
away at it, you know.

Like Charles Hawtry
on a sleeping guardsman.

Okay.

I mean she's ...
she's very bright, so

- Yeah?
- They say if you're very bright

then it sort of doesn't matter
what school you go to.

That's true.

That is very true.

Hey!

See you later -
state educator.

It's a highly expensive lumbar
support chair, for God's sake.

Oh, don't be ridiculous.

I mean that's paper recycling, it's
not gonna be there, is it?

I'm gonna call you in the morning
and if you're not there

you're in big trouble.

Glenn.

See this...

Dickensian hysteric
who's just gone home?

Here's what you do,
right?

You make like The Great Oz, yeah?

You make a big noise

to impress Nicola.

But secretly, you're wanking
behind the curtain to me all the time.

You want me to
pass information to you?

Don't kill yourself though -

well not over this,
you know.

I just want you to make
her feel good - you know?

You can be a friend of
Dorothy's, can't you?

Then we'll all get some fucking
peace around here!

Right!

I'm away
to wipe my arse

on pictures
of Nick Robinson.

I'm getting good
at giving him a quiff.

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