The Thick of It (2005–2012): Season 2, Episode 0 - Spinners and Losers - full transcript
Peter Mannion's speech on immigration, leaking the PM's policy, did not have the effect Tucker desired and now the PM is resigning, leaving the way clear for the Nutters and their leader ...
No, Derek, I'm not presuming anything.
It's up to the PM. I'll go wherever he wants.
I'm going to have to go. Bye-bye.
- Good morning.
- Morning, Minister.
- Are you just offto your 8:30 with Malcolm?
- Yep, yep.
- First one?
- Into the lion's den, viper's pit.
The belly ofthe beast,
the lair ofthe white worm.
- The eye ofthe snake.
- Hmm.
- Not all departments get asked to the 8:30.
- That's true.
It's an honour to be in there
with the big hitters.
Always best to be inside the tent, pissing out.
Ifyou were doing this
over at Environment and Rural Affairs
at 8:30 you'd be very much outside the tent.
- Probably at Coffee Republic.
- Covered in piss.
Good luck. You'll be fine.
You don't need good luck.
- Yeah.
- What about the...piss?
- It's a figure ofspeech.
- I'd better go.
- See you later, Robyn.
- OK.
- I'm sure there's a way of...
- Robyn!
Robyn, sorry. Could you try and pick up any
signals you can from Malcolm about the erm...
about the reshuffle?
- I've really got to go. I don't want to be late.
- God, don't be late.
Apparently, they shout at the last one in.
Ifanyone shouts at you,
they'll have to answer to me.
I'll box his ears.
Box his ears? Ifthat was flirting,
that was absolutely crap. Box his ears?
How long is it since you've had sex?
That is between me
and my internet service provider.
- Anyway, about this...
- You've gone red, Glenn.
You have. Look, you've gone red.
- I have not gone red. That's red.
- Yeah!
Look, he can hardly walk properly.
- Morning, morning, morning!
- (All) Morning.
OK. I want to have a bit ofa think
about some ofour presentational issues
with regard to yesterday.
There seems to have been a problem last night
with Liam on Newsnight.
I want to know why did we have a minister
on who did not appear to know their lines.
- It's not his fault. We grilled him beforehand.
- Grilled?
- He's got a new baby.
- I don't care.
I don't care ifhe's tired. He looked like
he didn't know what he was talking about.
Now, I know he doesn't,
but he's got to appear as ifhe does, right?
And that is your job, and your job.
And yours and yours and yours and yours
and yours and yours and yours.
With all due respect to ministers,
give them the lines. Right?
Give them all the lines to say?
This is the delightful Robyn.
She's just with us today.
She's standing in for Terri at the Department
ofSocial Affairs. So be gentle with her.
No remarks about
the Department ofStuffed Anuses,
or the Department ofStupid Announcements
or the Department ofSod All.
- Right, next.
- Reshuffle?
Yes, there is a pending reshuffle. I can see we're
not going to get anything past you.
There was a young girl from DOSA
who helped herselfto a samosa.
Argh! Next time I'll come up with something.
Just a bit offun.
Yes, the reshuffle.
No, yes, definitely, we don't know anything.
I don't know anything,
so we can't say anything.
But even ifwe did, we wouldn't.
But we don't, so we both can't and won't.
Last Cabinet before reshuffle.
How do you think I should...
Should I go in there with all guns blazing, new
policy ideas, and do a big ha cha cha cha cha?
- Or should I be more hmmm, like Buddha?
- You don't have to do either.
You could just sort ofnod quietly,
nod wisely every so often,
and then just have a policy
in your back pocket, just in case...
What's the policy I've got in my back pocket?
Tripling the number ofquiet carriages
on Intercity trains.
Oh, wow! What a big, exciting hard-on
moment that's going to be!
- That's not bad. Did you just think ofthat?
- Like that.
Hugh.
- After Cabinet, you are going to...?
- Talk to Tucker?
- About the reshuffle?
- Yeah.
I'll slip it in during the conversation. Much as
you're intending to do with Robyn, I suspect.
- Right, next?
- Julius Nicholson? I got it yesterday.
He was looking at the MOD
taking over UK security from the Home Office.
That was flown by one ofNicholson's mob.
I'm spending halfofmy time now dealing with
this rubbish that Nicholson's putting out.
There's a Sunday piece about you and him
not getting along. Have you got a line?
Julius Nicholson is a hugely respected adviser.
He now has a wide-ranging brief
and his blue-sky vision and helicopter thinking
will enable this Government to go, in his own
phrase, ''beyond delivery, and beyond that''.
That's the line, OK?
Ifhe does stick his baldy head round your door
with some stupid idea,
about policemen's helmets should be yellow,
or let's set up a department to count the moon,
just treat him like someone
with Alzheimer's disease, you know?
Just say, ''Oh, yeah, that's lovely.
We must talk about that later,'' OK?
In no way, shape or form...
(Knock at door)
- Come the fuck in, or fuck the fuck off.
- I'll come the fuck in, then.
It's just something that Nicholson's flown.
A kind ofbrain exercise, like
''What would it be like ifmen had tits?''
Mark Mardell? That's pretty good, actually.
All right, then. See you, then.
- Hugh?
- I thought you would want to know.
- What?
- Terri's dad.
- Yeah?
- No news at the moment.
- You've come to talk about the reshuffle.
- Yeah, I have.
- Yeah?
- In terms ofshuffley stuff, how is Neil?
- I mean, is his heart...
- Have you not heard?
No.
(Heavy sigh) He's paralysed.
Oh, no.
- Neil's on wheels.
- You're kidding.
- He's a vegetable.
- Oh, my God.
Yeah.
That means you could have his department.
Oh, you are kidding. Fuck you very much.
You're looking for mouth-to-mouth
in the reshuffle. I don't know anything.
The PM is still working it out
on the back ofa Coldplay CD as we speak.
- Are you in, sir?
- Ah! MrJulius Nicholson.
- Nice to see you again.
- What proposals have you got for us today?
- How about a ban on sand castles?
- I wanted to find out
ifyou're coming to my FSG briefing
this afternoon.
- FSG briefing?
- Forward Strategy Group.
Well, you know, Julius,
I'm just going to have to send one ofthe boys.
I have got so much work to do here,
what with this MOD...
Well, as the minister said to the prince,
don't be surprised ifwe abolish you.
I'll leave it with you.
That was a bit erm...
- Are you all right?
- I'm fucking all right.
- I can fucking look after myself.
- Under the spotlight now.
Just watch your own back, what with the
missus dripping poison into the big guy's ear.
- What missus?
- The prime minister's missus.
Oh, what? You don't know?
She doesn't like the cut ofyour jib, son.
She...? She's hardly seen my jib.
I just had a conversation with her
at the New Year's party, that's all.
Why doesn't she like me? What's not to like?
- You just didn't click.
- We were talking about the fucking Euro.
How are you supposed to click over the Euro?
Fucking impossible.
- Don't take it so personally.
- She doesn't like me as a person.
How else am I supposed to take it?
Definitely Hugh.
Robyn, can you send these back to archives?
They're not even highlighted.
I'm not going to plough through all that. I need
the last four months ofthe European Digest.
Is it cos you fancy me?
Is that what this is all about?
- Sorry?
- You're so rude. That's got to be the reason.
Other people knock and say ''hello'', ''good
morning'', ''thanks'' and ''nice top'' sometimes.
Well, no. For a start, I don't fancy you.
I don't know where you got that in your head,
but get it out.
IfI'm slightly polite to you on a semi-regular
basis, will that in any way bypass it?
That would definitely do it.
Well, thank you very much for the work
you do. Hi, by the way. How are you?
I'm really well.
You look lovely. Can I have the fucking Digest,
please? That would be terrific.
- All you had to do was ask me.
- Yeah, well, all I did do is ask.
Phwor!
A joke.
- Hello.
- Morning, Minister.
I need to have a word, Olly, and then
can you get me Terri on the phone, please?
- Where is Glenn?
- Please?
Nicholson hauled him in for a chat.
One ofhis bright ideas.
Inflatable churches for rural communities
or tattooing immigrants.
Apparently, the PM's wife doesn't like me.
Did you know this?
No. Erm... Why?
Two reasons.
Cut ofmy jib and insufficient clicking.
I'll be a footnote in political history because
I didn't have an anecdote about puppies.
We can brainstorm small talk ifyou want to.
Realistically, I'm not going to get promotion,
not while this prime minister's still in power.
Well, not while he's married to the same wife.
Knowing your lot, he'll leave her,
she'll marry his replacement.
I did mention your great quiet carriages thing
and he just...
- What does that mean?
- Fuck knows what it means.
But I don't think it means, ''Oh, Hugh, you're
fantastic. Here, become Home Secretary.''
And even ifit did mean that,
when he's in bed tonight with Mrs PM, flossing,
then she'll say, ''Abbot as Home Secretary?''
''The man is a social spastic
and very probably a registered nonce, darling.''
- Terri on line one, and there's her dad's name.
- Dad's name?
Hello.
Hello, how are you?
- I'm not great, actually.
- Yes, goodness me.
Please be sure to send my best
to...to...to your dad.
Thanks.
Look, I heard today
that the PM's wife doesn't like me.
- Did you know about this?
- Yes, I did.
- I know about the lack ofclick. Anything else?
- Hugh, my dad's dying.
Ofcourse. Thanks so much
for taking the time to talk to me, Terri.
It must be a... Well, obviously,
it's a very, very hard time for you.
It's just ironic that it happens to have coincided
with a hard time for me.
Because, you know,
I thought I was solid with the reshuffle.
But now, with the not clicking bombshell,
I need to give the impression that I'm not
budging, I'm staying exactly where I am,
I'm here for ever, you know, like Ken erm...
Ken Livingstone? Russell?
Hom?
- Barlow?
- Barlow!
- Like Ken Barlow. I'm solid.
- (Glenn) That fucking arse clamp, Nicholson!
Look, I don't want to say this too many times,
but the fact is Nicholson's shafted us.
He's cut us out ofthe 8:30 briefings.
- That's awful.
- I know.
But for now, this department is no longer
going to any ofMalcolm's 8:30 briefings, OK?
- Tomorrow morning, I just stay here?
- Yes, that's right.
- I don't want to alarm Hugh about this.
- Oh, God! This ges worse!
Listen to me, Robyn. He's got
quite enough on his mind at the moment.
So tomorrow morning, what you do is
you leave here at the same time, about 8:20,
and you fuck offand go and sit in a park.
- And not tell Hugh?
- Yes. It's only temporary.
- Oh, God!
- I'm going to sort it out, OK?
Won't it just be a bit demeaning?
Terri says there's a list
ofQuestion Time producers in her top drawer.
- Are you OK, Robyn?
- Erm... Yeah.
- Have you been touching her?
- Fuck off.
Yes, I've got the producers' names,
so thanks for that.
And is there anything else that I could do?
You know, photo opps or a little party?
Schmooze the broadsheets?
Tell them how I love running Social Affairs?
Yeah, that would work, wouldn't it?
Everyone loves a party.
Well, I don't, personally, but people do.
- Get your head round this. You go to a park.
- Which park?
- Just choose... Green Park.
- I don't like Green Park.
- Which park do you like?
- StJames's Park.
Go to StJames's Park, then. OK?
- I think we should tell the minister.
- Listen, Robyn, I really like you, but fuck off!
- Has he been touching you?
- Don't start.
Oh, God! I'm rubbish, apparently.
That's why Nicholson has banned us
from the 8:30 meetings,
and I've got to go and sit in StJames's Park
and pretend I'm in a meeting all morning.
I wouldn't worry.
There should be four or five ofyou out there.
This is another example ofthinking out ofthe
box by someone who's out ofhis fucking tree.
- I've got to go. I'll talk to you later. Bye.
- Ah, Malcolm Tucker!
Julius Nicholson! What can I do you for?
- I am keen to have a chat with Keith Percival.
- Yeah.
- That won't be possible.
- And I need the O'Rourke papers.
I'm afraid not. Anything else?
Look, Malcolm, you and I both know
my power flows directly from the PM.
Ifyou've got a problem...
Keith is so busy with real governmental work
that he doesn't have time to discuss with you
your ideas and theories.
The O'Rourke papers are not relevant to
anything we can actually action at this moment.
That's slightly funny, because when I played
tennis with the PM, which I do every Sunday,
he was saying
he was looking forward to seeing that paper.
He thinks your theories are interesting.
He tells me that, because I see him every day.
I also see him on a Sunday when I get together
with his family and I make fucking waffles.
But I cannot allow you to come in here
and interfere
with the actual process ofgovernment.
- Malcolm, that is my job! That's my job.
- That is what is happening.
- Well, you're doing it very fucking well.
- There are going to be big changes.
Get used to it.
We'll announce all this at the reshuffle.
With all due respect, Julius,
the reshuffle is the business ofthe PM alone,
which means that that is my business.
- It is my remit.
- No, Malcolm. Historically, yes.
- But now it's part ofmy remit.
- I'll tell you what we should do.
Why don't we just get our remits out,
slap them on the table
and see who's got the biggest fucking remit?
Malcolm,
we need to talk about accommodation.
- We need to talk about access...
- Why am I talking about accommodation?
It's a 21-man department, we can't fit upstairs,
this is ideal.
- 21 men in here?
- Not just in here, no.
This office will be perfectly useable,
for not only myself...
- That's not an office.
- Yes, it is.
- It's a pantry.
- We will refit this out as a working office.
- Julius, it's a fucking pantry. Look.
- So what?
What we'll do is we kick through this, bang,
straight into the PM's private study.
What are people going to say when they come
in and they say, ''Where is Julius Nicholson?''
- I'm here.
- He's in the pantry.
- Here I am.
- They're going to ridicule you.
- They're not going to ridicule me.
- ''Where's the bankrupt in the cupboard?''
Why are you behaving like a complete prick?
I'm supposed to polish you up, burnish you up.
Then when you get your big break
and you're on fucking Call My Bluff...
Come back in here! Oi! Come back in here.
Julius! Get the fuck back in here!
Please!
Please, come back. Let's be civilised.
Let's be civilised about it.
Let's be civilised, come on. Let's be civilised
about it. Go over to your fucking pantry, right?
- This is a perfectly useable office space.
- Let's just cool it for one minute, OK?
Just fucking cool it,
shut up and fucking listen to me.
This is a Georgian door.
Do you know how long this has been here?
- No, I don't.
- Since the time ofElizabeth I, at least.
That does not open. Look at it. Try opening it.
This is the kind ofstuffyou like.
Character building, team building.
Try to open the door.
- Come on, Julius. It's my fucking pantry.
- It's not your pantry. It's my fucking pantry.
I was with Emma. We went for a drink.
That's still your opposition bit ofskirt, is it?
Yeah. Don't say ''bit ofskirt''.
It makes you sound like SidJames.
- Morning, Minister.
- Offto the 8:30?
Yep, into the house ofthe grass snakes.
- Grass snakes are actually quite benign.
- The cobras.
Can you try, really try,
to get the goss on the reshuffle?
I don't really care how desperate you look
at this point, so don't pussyfoot around.
- OK, I'll really give it a go this time.
- Thank you.
- Up all night doing invitations for my party?
- They're out. Don't worry.
I am desperate, but I don't want
to look desperate, like Glenn.
Oh, God, here we go again. Like Glenn, what?
I was just saying,
the last time you saw a snatch was...
- Basic Instinct.
- That's good.
That's the repartee I need with the PM's wife.
It's that final tsssss! That's the bit I'm missing.
Yeah, well, I think you could drop
the snatch material with the PM's wife.
OK, between the snatch and the Euro
there's some sort ofhappy medium.
Morning, morning, morning.
What's the story in Bala-fucking-mory?
Who can tell me the issues ofthe moment?
First to answer wins a big, massive boat.
Lisa says Nicholson is squelching his way
through the building, so we're on stand-by.
- Can't we just kill him, shoot him?
- Fire him at a wall from a cannon?
Just a wall two feet away.
I know. We force-feed him with a mixture
ofgarlic and Dettol in cuppa soup.
What about the old red-hot poker up the arse?
Edward II?
I'd like to nail him to a tree through the head,
and watch lice slowly crawl over his body,
eating offthe flesh in a slow and painful death.
But that rather bitter anomaly aside,
most ofthe responses to the Warwick report
press cuttings were pretty positive.
- Hello, Julius.
- Morning, Julius.
- I'll just do that. Right.
- Would you like a cup oftea?
Oh, no, no. I'm bouncing,
so what I'm going to suggest, ifI may...
- Cuppa soup?
- Not for me, no.
I'm hoping to go over the ASBOs.
Are there any ASBOs processed on this site?
Actioned or processed on this site?
No, this is the ministry.
Everything is done over at Richmond Terrace.
(Julius) Right. I'll just get my pen out.
- Richmond...House, is it?
- Terrace.
OK, so that... Well...
- We've been bouncing around about this.
- I'd like to have seen that.
We've got five Whitehall departments having
some sort ofimpact upon the ASBO process.
We've got Lord Chancellor's, DWP,
Department ofHealth.
We take those away. So...
out ofthe five, let's put three with you,
so out ofthe five, three are over there.
Glenn's got custody ofthree for the time being.
Two, four, six billion pounds there.
I take two away, so they come back to me.
I put that four billion
straight through to the Treasury.
We're left with the one.
That's a two billion pound figure which we
spread across the money-saving departments.
That means it's good news for Number Ten,
for the Treasury and for Hugh Abbot.
So, that's where we are. I will...
- I shall leave that with you.
- Interesting thought.
Within a few sort of...
I guess...months,
we'll have something concrete to put to you.
- See you later.
- Bye.
- Erm...yes.
- Where were we?
He really is... This is dangerous.
He is actually unhinged.
He's just relatively harmless. He's...
No, he's not harmless,
because this job's my livelihood.
My children's shoes depend now
on having a madman suggest, you know...
Do your children need two shoes each?
He is not getting anywhere near
my fucking pantry, I'll tell you that.
That door is staying
as open as a fat whore's bonehole.
Sorry I'm late. Traffic was a bitch.
No offence, Robyn.
How about the 8:30? How did that go?
- Very quick. It was in and out.
- Did you quiz him about the reshuffle?
I didn't get a chance.
- I did ask you specifically to do that.
- Hugh, entirely my fault.
Robyn, give me a print-out
and let me have a look at it.
Question Time's up the Swanee.
What the fuck do you have to do to get on TV?
Have sex with a pig? Soil yourself?
I don't know the minimum requirements.
- Terri, Terri, hi, how's it going?
- He's gone, Hugh.
Oh, dear.
Oh, I am so sorry, Terri. I really am.
That's... That's really... That's just... Blimey.
OK? Are you OK now?
(Shuffling papers)
(Sobbing)
Yeah. Yep.
Listen. What I was calling about,
we'll forget about that.
- There's no need to talk about that now.
- OK.
Right. Question Time's bitten the dust,
and I was going to ask you ifyou could ring
some ofyour broadsheet contacts
and make absolutely sure
that they're all coming to my party tonight.
I just wanted to take the opportunity
ofsaying I really am sorry
that it got awkward with Hugh.
- I don't like lying to the minister. I don't.
- I do understand, all this sneaking about.
It'll make people think we're having an affair.
Or something.
- You're joking?
- Well...
- They don't think we're having an affair?
- No, no, no.
God!
(Sigh)
- It's a grave matter, isn't it?
- Not a good day to bury bad news.
- (Sniggering) No, minister, it's not.
- Oh, fuck!
- Julius, what a surprise!
- What a surprise.
Thank goodness you didn't stumble on us
burning a load ofmoney on a bonfire.
Well done on the chat we had this morning.
The AIU are going to produce a paper
in the next 10 to 12 days.
- So raise yourselves a glass. Happi-ness.
- Brilliant.
Right, well, I'll see you at this Treasury bash,
I suppose.
- What?
- The Treasury bash. Horseguards Parade.
It's Paul Webster, US Economics Secretary
ofState. He's unexpectedly coming over.
The Treasury
are hosting a bash for him this evening.
Don't tell me you've not been invited.
Yes, no, I have. It's just that I'm actually
bashing myselftonight.
So you...you've got your own bash here?
- Uh...yeah.
- Yeah.
Ah! Back up, everybody, put the brakes on.
We've got a bash happening here tonight
and at the Treasury?
Yes. It sounds complicated
but I like to maximise my face.
OK, well, how many have you invited?
Erm... All in,
I think we've invited about 150 people.
- How many replies have you had?
- About, I'd say, maybe halfa side ofA4.
Figures, figures, figures.
- 12?
- 12?
We're expecting
to do quite a lot ofbusiness on the door.
I bet you're feeling a bit argh!
No, no, I'm pretty relaxed about it.
I'm feeling sort ofhmm...
- Well, it's quite a healthy turnout.
- Healthy turnout?
This is an ill turnout!
I don't recognise any ofthese people:
this kebab shop owner,
some child like a butcher's apprentice,
and who's she, this Myra Hindley woman?
Look, will you stop whingeing?
When this Prime Minister
and Imelda fucking Marcos have gone,
some ofthese hacks will cease to be pond life.
Just go in and ingratiate yourself, all right?
Anorak. The PM told Geoffto get a life,
but he's waiting for the Treasury to clear it.
Ka-tsss!
AndJulius Nicholson says, ''I'm sorry, but
I think you'll find you're sitting in my seat.''
And this was to God,
as I mentioned in the setup.
Anyway, have a lovely time.
A fiver ifyou set offthe sprinklers.
Put Hugh in a room ofpeople, he just clicks.
Sounds like West Side Story.
(Clicking fingers)
- So who do you work for?
- Online Telegraph.
I update the subscription-only pages
on the website.
- It's a bit dull, really.
- I'm sorry, who are you?
I'm not a journalist.
I'm just one ofOlly's mates.
- Right.
- Erm...
Angela, hello.
- Very nice to see you. Thanks for coming.
- So, what about the demotion?
Sorry, what demotion is that?
Everyone knows that you're not sending anyone
to Tucker's 8:30s any more.
Sorry, you're saying that we're not sending
anyone to the 8:30s any more?
Yes. That's what I'm saying.
Yes, yes, we...
Glenn, the 8:30s?
Well, just because erm...
we're not going...to the 8:30s any more,
doesn't mean to say
it isn't normal interdepartmental practice.
There just isn't enough room
to get everybody there,
and it has to occur on a rotational basis.
- Are you getting all this?
- Yes, thanks. It'll be on the website.
Why didn't you tell me, Glenn? What
possible reason did you have? You saw me.
- I was swinging like a colostomy bag.
- Oh, Hugh, grow up.
Stuffhappens in this department every day.
I can't tell you everything.
Since when, Glenn,
does the Secretary ofState for Social Affairs
have to find out from the fucking press
that every morning at 8:30 I'm being fisted
up to the gallbladder by a bald man?
- Oh, yes...
- Good night. Thanks for coming.
Right, guys. Thanks very much for staying on.
- Julius Nicholson, right?
- Yep.
Blue sky thinker? Ex-business guru?
- Dog rapist?
- Quite possibly.
He's being a nuisance to me.
He also has got plans
to squeeze your department so hard
you'll be lucky ifyou're left with one bollock
between the three ofyou.
So all I am doing here
is asking you formally
ifyou will join me in a little bit ofa circle jerk.
- Circle jerk? What...?
- A lot ofguys in a circle all...you know.
Well, I assume you don't mean literally.
Do you? Presumably?
Tony Mack in the lobby, you know him, right?
Call him. Now.
Tell him that you're getting it that Nicholson
is going to get Foreign Sec in the reshuffle.
Tony, hi. How's it dangling? Yeah?
I want to run something past you. I wonder
ifyou're hearing what I've been hearing,
that Nicholson's
going to be getting Foreign Sec?
Hugh, who is your top mate
in the Commentariat?
- Colin Sykes.
- Colin Sykes?
- That's your top mate?
- Yeah.
- Call him up.
- Hi, Colin, yes, it's Hugh Abbot. How are you?
Got a decent backhand yet, have you?
Hugh. Hugh Abbot.
We played tennis together. Yeah. Yeah!
Probably bollocks, but that's what we thought
whenJim was up for Home Secretary.
Next thing, he's given up the Colombian
marching powder and taken the sacraments.
Foreign Secretary
is exactly where he should be.
- He's a smart guy.
- (Mobile ringing)
Cath. Yeah, Cath,
I don't know where that's come from.
- At one point, I called him a dog rapist.
- Stonewall them!
I'll talk to the boss, right?
And now I'm going to phone
the prime minister ofGreat Britain.
All right, boss? I'm sorry to interrupt you, but
we're getting hit on the blind side down here.
Julius Nicholson. Our phones are white hot.
Stuffabout him becoming Foreign Sec.
Is that...? Am I out ofthe loop here?
The person that's most likely to be getting his
mates to put this around is Julius Nicholson.
You put so much hope in them.
They always let you down.
I think maybe Julius needs
to have his wings clipped a bit, you know.
Do you want to do it?
I think you're right.
I think it's better that I just have a little chat.
I'll see you in the morning. Night.
Fucking brilliant.
Eight missed messages.
Sleep lightly.
- He's incredible.
- Colin Sykes didn't know who I was.
- I don't know who Colin Sykes is.
- Swings and roundabouts.
- Who am I?
- We'll find out tomorrow, won't we?
Morning, morning, morning.
What's the story in Bala-fucking-mory?
Reshuffle.
You win a year's supply ofcondoms.
Which in your case is four.
Anything?
Fatty's just been in. He just managed
to squeeze past the policeman.
Ifyou were promoted, good for you.
Ifit was a relegation, hard cheese.
Ifhe dumps me,
I'm going to find that wife ofhis.
I'll click her
right through the fucking head. Boom!
(Phone ringing)
How do you like this jib, darling? Bang!
- That noise is the phone.
- I know. I'm in denial.
But ifyou don't know whether or not you were
promoted, you were fucking relegated.
Great. OK, bye-bye.
He wants me to go in.
I just hope it isn't farmers.
I don't want to have to pretend
to be nice to farmers.
- Knock it out the park.
- Yeah. Good luck.
Welcome back to Robyn
from the all-new, totally revamped
Department ofSocial Affairs and Citizenship.
I've got no fucking idea what that means,
but it spells SAC!
Thank you. Thank you very much.
No autographs, please.
(Malcolm) SAC are being turfed out
oftheir tatty old building,
to be replaced by Julius Nicholson
and his Advanced Implementation Unit.
On to the broadcast schedule for today.
Colin did Today, which was lovely.
Sweet FA for The World At One,
please, as usual.
You know the lines. Most women ever.
It's up to the PM. I'll go wherever he wants.
I'm going to have to go. Bye-bye.
- Good morning.
- Morning, Minister.
- Are you just offto your 8:30 with Malcolm?
- Yep, yep.
- First one?
- Into the lion's den, viper's pit.
The belly ofthe beast,
the lair ofthe white worm.
- The eye ofthe snake.
- Hmm.
- Not all departments get asked to the 8:30.
- That's true.
It's an honour to be in there
with the big hitters.
Always best to be inside the tent, pissing out.
Ifyou were doing this
over at Environment and Rural Affairs
at 8:30 you'd be very much outside the tent.
- Probably at Coffee Republic.
- Covered in piss.
Good luck. You'll be fine.
You don't need good luck.
- Yeah.
- What about the...piss?
- It's a figure ofspeech.
- I'd better go.
- See you later, Robyn.
- OK.
- I'm sure there's a way of...
- Robyn!
Robyn, sorry. Could you try and pick up any
signals you can from Malcolm about the erm...
about the reshuffle?
- I've really got to go. I don't want to be late.
- God, don't be late.
Apparently, they shout at the last one in.
Ifanyone shouts at you,
they'll have to answer to me.
I'll box his ears.
Box his ears? Ifthat was flirting,
that was absolutely crap. Box his ears?
How long is it since you've had sex?
That is between me
and my internet service provider.
- Anyway, about this...
- You've gone red, Glenn.
You have. Look, you've gone red.
- I have not gone red. That's red.
- Yeah!
Look, he can hardly walk properly.
- Morning, morning, morning!
- (All) Morning.
OK. I want to have a bit ofa think
about some ofour presentational issues
with regard to yesterday.
There seems to have been a problem last night
with Liam on Newsnight.
I want to know why did we have a minister
on who did not appear to know their lines.
- It's not his fault. We grilled him beforehand.
- Grilled?
- He's got a new baby.
- I don't care.
I don't care ifhe's tired. He looked like
he didn't know what he was talking about.
Now, I know he doesn't,
but he's got to appear as ifhe does, right?
And that is your job, and your job.
And yours and yours and yours and yours
and yours and yours and yours.
With all due respect to ministers,
give them the lines. Right?
Give them all the lines to say?
This is the delightful Robyn.
She's just with us today.
She's standing in for Terri at the Department
ofSocial Affairs. So be gentle with her.
No remarks about
the Department ofStuffed Anuses,
or the Department ofStupid Announcements
or the Department ofSod All.
- Right, next.
- Reshuffle?
Yes, there is a pending reshuffle. I can see we're
not going to get anything past you.
There was a young girl from DOSA
who helped herselfto a samosa.
Argh! Next time I'll come up with something.
Just a bit offun.
Yes, the reshuffle.
No, yes, definitely, we don't know anything.
I don't know anything,
so we can't say anything.
But even ifwe did, we wouldn't.
But we don't, so we both can't and won't.
Last Cabinet before reshuffle.
How do you think I should...
Should I go in there with all guns blazing, new
policy ideas, and do a big ha cha cha cha cha?
- Or should I be more hmmm, like Buddha?
- You don't have to do either.
You could just sort ofnod quietly,
nod wisely every so often,
and then just have a policy
in your back pocket, just in case...
What's the policy I've got in my back pocket?
Tripling the number ofquiet carriages
on Intercity trains.
Oh, wow! What a big, exciting hard-on
moment that's going to be!
- That's not bad. Did you just think ofthat?
- Like that.
Hugh.
- After Cabinet, you are going to...?
- Talk to Tucker?
- About the reshuffle?
- Yeah.
I'll slip it in during the conversation. Much as
you're intending to do with Robyn, I suspect.
- Right, next?
- Julius Nicholson? I got it yesterday.
He was looking at the MOD
taking over UK security from the Home Office.
That was flown by one ofNicholson's mob.
I'm spending halfofmy time now dealing with
this rubbish that Nicholson's putting out.
There's a Sunday piece about you and him
not getting along. Have you got a line?
Julius Nicholson is a hugely respected adviser.
He now has a wide-ranging brief
and his blue-sky vision and helicopter thinking
will enable this Government to go, in his own
phrase, ''beyond delivery, and beyond that''.
That's the line, OK?
Ifhe does stick his baldy head round your door
with some stupid idea,
about policemen's helmets should be yellow,
or let's set up a department to count the moon,
just treat him like someone
with Alzheimer's disease, you know?
Just say, ''Oh, yeah, that's lovely.
We must talk about that later,'' OK?
In no way, shape or form...
(Knock at door)
- Come the fuck in, or fuck the fuck off.
- I'll come the fuck in, then.
It's just something that Nicholson's flown.
A kind ofbrain exercise, like
''What would it be like ifmen had tits?''
Mark Mardell? That's pretty good, actually.
All right, then. See you, then.
- Hugh?
- I thought you would want to know.
- What?
- Terri's dad.
- Yeah?
- No news at the moment.
- You've come to talk about the reshuffle.
- Yeah, I have.
- Yeah?
- In terms ofshuffley stuff, how is Neil?
- I mean, is his heart...
- Have you not heard?
No.
(Heavy sigh) He's paralysed.
Oh, no.
- Neil's on wheels.
- You're kidding.
- He's a vegetable.
- Oh, my God.
Yeah.
That means you could have his department.
Oh, you are kidding. Fuck you very much.
You're looking for mouth-to-mouth
in the reshuffle. I don't know anything.
The PM is still working it out
on the back ofa Coldplay CD as we speak.
- Are you in, sir?
- Ah! MrJulius Nicholson.
- Nice to see you again.
- What proposals have you got for us today?
- How about a ban on sand castles?
- I wanted to find out
ifyou're coming to my FSG briefing
this afternoon.
- FSG briefing?
- Forward Strategy Group.
Well, you know, Julius,
I'm just going to have to send one ofthe boys.
I have got so much work to do here,
what with this MOD...
Well, as the minister said to the prince,
don't be surprised ifwe abolish you.
I'll leave it with you.
That was a bit erm...
- Are you all right?
- I'm fucking all right.
- I can fucking look after myself.
- Under the spotlight now.
Just watch your own back, what with the
missus dripping poison into the big guy's ear.
- What missus?
- The prime minister's missus.
Oh, what? You don't know?
She doesn't like the cut ofyour jib, son.
She...? She's hardly seen my jib.
I just had a conversation with her
at the New Year's party, that's all.
Why doesn't she like me? What's not to like?
- You just didn't click.
- We were talking about the fucking Euro.
How are you supposed to click over the Euro?
Fucking impossible.
- Don't take it so personally.
- She doesn't like me as a person.
How else am I supposed to take it?
Definitely Hugh.
Robyn, can you send these back to archives?
They're not even highlighted.
I'm not going to plough through all that. I need
the last four months ofthe European Digest.
Is it cos you fancy me?
Is that what this is all about?
- Sorry?
- You're so rude. That's got to be the reason.
Other people knock and say ''hello'', ''good
morning'', ''thanks'' and ''nice top'' sometimes.
Well, no. For a start, I don't fancy you.
I don't know where you got that in your head,
but get it out.
IfI'm slightly polite to you on a semi-regular
basis, will that in any way bypass it?
That would definitely do it.
Well, thank you very much for the work
you do. Hi, by the way. How are you?
I'm really well.
You look lovely. Can I have the fucking Digest,
please? That would be terrific.
- All you had to do was ask me.
- Yeah, well, all I did do is ask.
Phwor!
A joke.
- Hello.
- Morning, Minister.
I need to have a word, Olly, and then
can you get me Terri on the phone, please?
- Where is Glenn?
- Please?
Nicholson hauled him in for a chat.
One ofhis bright ideas.
Inflatable churches for rural communities
or tattooing immigrants.
Apparently, the PM's wife doesn't like me.
Did you know this?
No. Erm... Why?
Two reasons.
Cut ofmy jib and insufficient clicking.
I'll be a footnote in political history because
I didn't have an anecdote about puppies.
We can brainstorm small talk ifyou want to.
Realistically, I'm not going to get promotion,
not while this prime minister's still in power.
Well, not while he's married to the same wife.
Knowing your lot, he'll leave her,
she'll marry his replacement.
I did mention your great quiet carriages thing
and he just...
- What does that mean?
- Fuck knows what it means.
But I don't think it means, ''Oh, Hugh, you're
fantastic. Here, become Home Secretary.''
And even ifit did mean that,
when he's in bed tonight with Mrs PM, flossing,
then she'll say, ''Abbot as Home Secretary?''
''The man is a social spastic
and very probably a registered nonce, darling.''
- Terri on line one, and there's her dad's name.
- Dad's name?
Hello.
Hello, how are you?
- I'm not great, actually.
- Yes, goodness me.
Please be sure to send my best
to...to...to your dad.
Thanks.
Look, I heard today
that the PM's wife doesn't like me.
- Did you know about this?
- Yes, I did.
- I know about the lack ofclick. Anything else?
- Hugh, my dad's dying.
Ofcourse. Thanks so much
for taking the time to talk to me, Terri.
It must be a... Well, obviously,
it's a very, very hard time for you.
It's just ironic that it happens to have coincided
with a hard time for me.
Because, you know,
I thought I was solid with the reshuffle.
But now, with the not clicking bombshell,
I need to give the impression that I'm not
budging, I'm staying exactly where I am,
I'm here for ever, you know, like Ken erm...
Ken Livingstone? Russell?
Hom?
- Barlow?
- Barlow!
- Like Ken Barlow. I'm solid.
- (Glenn) That fucking arse clamp, Nicholson!
Look, I don't want to say this too many times,
but the fact is Nicholson's shafted us.
He's cut us out ofthe 8:30 briefings.
- That's awful.
- I know.
But for now, this department is no longer
going to any ofMalcolm's 8:30 briefings, OK?
- Tomorrow morning, I just stay here?
- Yes, that's right.
- I don't want to alarm Hugh about this.
- Oh, God! This ges worse!
Listen to me, Robyn. He's got
quite enough on his mind at the moment.
So tomorrow morning, what you do is
you leave here at the same time, about 8:20,
and you fuck offand go and sit in a park.
- And not tell Hugh?
- Yes. It's only temporary.
- Oh, God!
- I'm going to sort it out, OK?
Won't it just be a bit demeaning?
Terri says there's a list
ofQuestion Time producers in her top drawer.
- Are you OK, Robyn?
- Erm... Yeah.
- Have you been touching her?
- Fuck off.
Yes, I've got the producers' names,
so thanks for that.
And is there anything else that I could do?
You know, photo opps or a little party?
Schmooze the broadsheets?
Tell them how I love running Social Affairs?
Yeah, that would work, wouldn't it?
Everyone loves a party.
Well, I don't, personally, but people do.
- Get your head round this. You go to a park.
- Which park?
- Just choose... Green Park.
- I don't like Green Park.
- Which park do you like?
- StJames's Park.
Go to StJames's Park, then. OK?
- I think we should tell the minister.
- Listen, Robyn, I really like you, but fuck off!
- Has he been touching you?
- Don't start.
Oh, God! I'm rubbish, apparently.
That's why Nicholson has banned us
from the 8:30 meetings,
and I've got to go and sit in StJames's Park
and pretend I'm in a meeting all morning.
I wouldn't worry.
There should be four or five ofyou out there.
This is another example ofthinking out ofthe
box by someone who's out ofhis fucking tree.
- I've got to go. I'll talk to you later. Bye.
- Ah, Malcolm Tucker!
Julius Nicholson! What can I do you for?
- I am keen to have a chat with Keith Percival.
- Yeah.
- That won't be possible.
- And I need the O'Rourke papers.
I'm afraid not. Anything else?
Look, Malcolm, you and I both know
my power flows directly from the PM.
Ifyou've got a problem...
Keith is so busy with real governmental work
that he doesn't have time to discuss with you
your ideas and theories.
The O'Rourke papers are not relevant to
anything we can actually action at this moment.
That's slightly funny, because when I played
tennis with the PM, which I do every Sunday,
he was saying
he was looking forward to seeing that paper.
He thinks your theories are interesting.
He tells me that, because I see him every day.
I also see him on a Sunday when I get together
with his family and I make fucking waffles.
But I cannot allow you to come in here
and interfere
with the actual process ofgovernment.
- Malcolm, that is my job! That's my job.
- That is what is happening.
- Well, you're doing it very fucking well.
- There are going to be big changes.
Get used to it.
We'll announce all this at the reshuffle.
With all due respect, Julius,
the reshuffle is the business ofthe PM alone,
which means that that is my business.
- It is my remit.
- No, Malcolm. Historically, yes.
- But now it's part ofmy remit.
- I'll tell you what we should do.
Why don't we just get our remits out,
slap them on the table
and see who's got the biggest fucking remit?
Malcolm,
we need to talk about accommodation.
- We need to talk about access...
- Why am I talking about accommodation?
It's a 21-man department, we can't fit upstairs,
this is ideal.
- 21 men in here?
- Not just in here, no.
This office will be perfectly useable,
for not only myself...
- That's not an office.
- Yes, it is.
- It's a pantry.
- We will refit this out as a working office.
- Julius, it's a fucking pantry. Look.
- So what?
What we'll do is we kick through this, bang,
straight into the PM's private study.
What are people going to say when they come
in and they say, ''Where is Julius Nicholson?''
- I'm here.
- He's in the pantry.
- Here I am.
- They're going to ridicule you.
- They're not going to ridicule me.
- ''Where's the bankrupt in the cupboard?''
Why are you behaving like a complete prick?
I'm supposed to polish you up, burnish you up.
Then when you get your big break
and you're on fucking Call My Bluff...
Come back in here! Oi! Come back in here.
Julius! Get the fuck back in here!
Please!
Please, come back. Let's be civilised.
Let's be civilised about it.
Let's be civilised, come on. Let's be civilised
about it. Go over to your fucking pantry, right?
- This is a perfectly useable office space.
- Let's just cool it for one minute, OK?
Just fucking cool it,
shut up and fucking listen to me.
This is a Georgian door.
Do you know how long this has been here?
- No, I don't.
- Since the time ofElizabeth I, at least.
That does not open. Look at it. Try opening it.
This is the kind ofstuffyou like.
Character building, team building.
Try to open the door.
- Come on, Julius. It's my fucking pantry.
- It's not your pantry. It's my fucking pantry.
I was with Emma. We went for a drink.
That's still your opposition bit ofskirt, is it?
Yeah. Don't say ''bit ofskirt''.
It makes you sound like SidJames.
- Morning, Minister.
- Offto the 8:30?
Yep, into the house ofthe grass snakes.
- Grass snakes are actually quite benign.
- The cobras.
Can you try, really try,
to get the goss on the reshuffle?
I don't really care how desperate you look
at this point, so don't pussyfoot around.
- OK, I'll really give it a go this time.
- Thank you.
- Up all night doing invitations for my party?
- They're out. Don't worry.
I am desperate, but I don't want
to look desperate, like Glenn.
Oh, God, here we go again. Like Glenn, what?
I was just saying,
the last time you saw a snatch was...
- Basic Instinct.
- That's good.
That's the repartee I need with the PM's wife.
It's that final tsssss! That's the bit I'm missing.
Yeah, well, I think you could drop
the snatch material with the PM's wife.
OK, between the snatch and the Euro
there's some sort ofhappy medium.
Morning, morning, morning.
What's the story in Bala-fucking-mory?
Who can tell me the issues ofthe moment?
First to answer wins a big, massive boat.
Lisa says Nicholson is squelching his way
through the building, so we're on stand-by.
- Can't we just kill him, shoot him?
- Fire him at a wall from a cannon?
Just a wall two feet away.
I know. We force-feed him with a mixture
ofgarlic and Dettol in cuppa soup.
What about the old red-hot poker up the arse?
Edward II?
I'd like to nail him to a tree through the head,
and watch lice slowly crawl over his body,
eating offthe flesh in a slow and painful death.
But that rather bitter anomaly aside,
most ofthe responses to the Warwick report
press cuttings were pretty positive.
- Hello, Julius.
- Morning, Julius.
- I'll just do that. Right.
- Would you like a cup oftea?
Oh, no, no. I'm bouncing,
so what I'm going to suggest, ifI may...
- Cuppa soup?
- Not for me, no.
I'm hoping to go over the ASBOs.
Are there any ASBOs processed on this site?
Actioned or processed on this site?
No, this is the ministry.
Everything is done over at Richmond Terrace.
(Julius) Right. I'll just get my pen out.
- Richmond...House, is it?
- Terrace.
OK, so that... Well...
- We've been bouncing around about this.
- I'd like to have seen that.
We've got five Whitehall departments having
some sort ofimpact upon the ASBO process.
We've got Lord Chancellor's, DWP,
Department ofHealth.
We take those away. So...
out ofthe five, let's put three with you,
so out ofthe five, three are over there.
Glenn's got custody ofthree for the time being.
Two, four, six billion pounds there.
I take two away, so they come back to me.
I put that four billion
straight through to the Treasury.
We're left with the one.
That's a two billion pound figure which we
spread across the money-saving departments.
That means it's good news for Number Ten,
for the Treasury and for Hugh Abbot.
So, that's where we are. I will...
- I shall leave that with you.
- Interesting thought.
Within a few sort of...
I guess...months,
we'll have something concrete to put to you.
- See you later.
- Bye.
- Erm...yes.
- Where were we?
He really is... This is dangerous.
He is actually unhinged.
He's just relatively harmless. He's...
No, he's not harmless,
because this job's my livelihood.
My children's shoes depend now
on having a madman suggest, you know...
Do your children need two shoes each?
He is not getting anywhere near
my fucking pantry, I'll tell you that.
That door is staying
as open as a fat whore's bonehole.
Sorry I'm late. Traffic was a bitch.
No offence, Robyn.
How about the 8:30? How did that go?
- Very quick. It was in and out.
- Did you quiz him about the reshuffle?
I didn't get a chance.
- I did ask you specifically to do that.
- Hugh, entirely my fault.
Robyn, give me a print-out
and let me have a look at it.
Question Time's up the Swanee.
What the fuck do you have to do to get on TV?
Have sex with a pig? Soil yourself?
I don't know the minimum requirements.
- Terri, Terri, hi, how's it going?
- He's gone, Hugh.
Oh, dear.
Oh, I am so sorry, Terri. I really am.
That's... That's really... That's just... Blimey.
OK? Are you OK now?
(Shuffling papers)
(Sobbing)
Yeah. Yep.
Listen. What I was calling about,
we'll forget about that.
- There's no need to talk about that now.
- OK.
Right. Question Time's bitten the dust,
and I was going to ask you ifyou could ring
some ofyour broadsheet contacts
and make absolutely sure
that they're all coming to my party tonight.
I just wanted to take the opportunity
ofsaying I really am sorry
that it got awkward with Hugh.
- I don't like lying to the minister. I don't.
- I do understand, all this sneaking about.
It'll make people think we're having an affair.
Or something.
- You're joking?
- Well...
- They don't think we're having an affair?
- No, no, no.
God!
(Sigh)
- It's a grave matter, isn't it?
- Not a good day to bury bad news.
- (Sniggering) No, minister, it's not.
- Oh, fuck!
- Julius, what a surprise!
- What a surprise.
Thank goodness you didn't stumble on us
burning a load ofmoney on a bonfire.
Well done on the chat we had this morning.
The AIU are going to produce a paper
in the next 10 to 12 days.
- So raise yourselves a glass. Happi-ness.
- Brilliant.
Right, well, I'll see you at this Treasury bash,
I suppose.
- What?
- The Treasury bash. Horseguards Parade.
It's Paul Webster, US Economics Secretary
ofState. He's unexpectedly coming over.
The Treasury
are hosting a bash for him this evening.
Don't tell me you've not been invited.
Yes, no, I have. It's just that I'm actually
bashing myselftonight.
So you...you've got your own bash here?
- Uh...yeah.
- Yeah.
Ah! Back up, everybody, put the brakes on.
We've got a bash happening here tonight
and at the Treasury?
Yes. It sounds complicated
but I like to maximise my face.
OK, well, how many have you invited?
Erm... All in,
I think we've invited about 150 people.
- How many replies have you had?
- About, I'd say, maybe halfa side ofA4.
Figures, figures, figures.
- 12?
- 12?
We're expecting
to do quite a lot ofbusiness on the door.
I bet you're feeling a bit argh!
No, no, I'm pretty relaxed about it.
I'm feeling sort ofhmm...
- Well, it's quite a healthy turnout.
- Healthy turnout?
This is an ill turnout!
I don't recognise any ofthese people:
this kebab shop owner,
some child like a butcher's apprentice,
and who's she, this Myra Hindley woman?
Look, will you stop whingeing?
When this Prime Minister
and Imelda fucking Marcos have gone,
some ofthese hacks will cease to be pond life.
Just go in and ingratiate yourself, all right?
Anorak. The PM told Geoffto get a life,
but he's waiting for the Treasury to clear it.
Ka-tsss!
AndJulius Nicholson says, ''I'm sorry, but
I think you'll find you're sitting in my seat.''
And this was to God,
as I mentioned in the setup.
Anyway, have a lovely time.
A fiver ifyou set offthe sprinklers.
Put Hugh in a room ofpeople, he just clicks.
Sounds like West Side Story.
(Clicking fingers)
- So who do you work for?
- Online Telegraph.
I update the subscription-only pages
on the website.
- It's a bit dull, really.
- I'm sorry, who are you?
I'm not a journalist.
I'm just one ofOlly's mates.
- Right.
- Erm...
Angela, hello.
- Very nice to see you. Thanks for coming.
- So, what about the demotion?
Sorry, what demotion is that?
Everyone knows that you're not sending anyone
to Tucker's 8:30s any more.
Sorry, you're saying that we're not sending
anyone to the 8:30s any more?
Yes. That's what I'm saying.
Yes, yes, we...
Glenn, the 8:30s?
Well, just because erm...
we're not going...to the 8:30s any more,
doesn't mean to say
it isn't normal interdepartmental practice.
There just isn't enough room
to get everybody there,
and it has to occur on a rotational basis.
- Are you getting all this?
- Yes, thanks. It'll be on the website.
Why didn't you tell me, Glenn? What
possible reason did you have? You saw me.
- I was swinging like a colostomy bag.
- Oh, Hugh, grow up.
Stuffhappens in this department every day.
I can't tell you everything.
Since when, Glenn,
does the Secretary ofState for Social Affairs
have to find out from the fucking press
that every morning at 8:30 I'm being fisted
up to the gallbladder by a bald man?
- Oh, yes...
- Good night. Thanks for coming.
Right, guys. Thanks very much for staying on.
- Julius Nicholson, right?
- Yep.
Blue sky thinker? Ex-business guru?
- Dog rapist?
- Quite possibly.
He's being a nuisance to me.
He also has got plans
to squeeze your department so hard
you'll be lucky ifyou're left with one bollock
between the three ofyou.
So all I am doing here
is asking you formally
ifyou will join me in a little bit ofa circle jerk.
- Circle jerk? What...?
- A lot ofguys in a circle all...you know.
Well, I assume you don't mean literally.
Do you? Presumably?
Tony Mack in the lobby, you know him, right?
Call him. Now.
Tell him that you're getting it that Nicholson
is going to get Foreign Sec in the reshuffle.
Tony, hi. How's it dangling? Yeah?
I want to run something past you. I wonder
ifyou're hearing what I've been hearing,
that Nicholson's
going to be getting Foreign Sec?
Hugh, who is your top mate
in the Commentariat?
- Colin Sykes.
- Colin Sykes?
- That's your top mate?
- Yeah.
- Call him up.
- Hi, Colin, yes, it's Hugh Abbot. How are you?
Got a decent backhand yet, have you?
Hugh. Hugh Abbot.
We played tennis together. Yeah. Yeah!
Probably bollocks, but that's what we thought
whenJim was up for Home Secretary.
Next thing, he's given up the Colombian
marching powder and taken the sacraments.
Foreign Secretary
is exactly where he should be.
- He's a smart guy.
- (Mobile ringing)
Cath. Yeah, Cath,
I don't know where that's come from.
- At one point, I called him a dog rapist.
- Stonewall them!
I'll talk to the boss, right?
And now I'm going to phone
the prime minister ofGreat Britain.
All right, boss? I'm sorry to interrupt you, but
we're getting hit on the blind side down here.
Julius Nicholson. Our phones are white hot.
Stuffabout him becoming Foreign Sec.
Is that...? Am I out ofthe loop here?
The person that's most likely to be getting his
mates to put this around is Julius Nicholson.
You put so much hope in them.
They always let you down.
I think maybe Julius needs
to have his wings clipped a bit, you know.
Do you want to do it?
I think you're right.
I think it's better that I just have a little chat.
I'll see you in the morning. Night.
Fucking brilliant.
Eight missed messages.
Sleep lightly.
- He's incredible.
- Colin Sykes didn't know who I was.
- I don't know who Colin Sykes is.
- Swings and roundabouts.
- Who am I?
- We'll find out tomorrow, won't we?
Morning, morning, morning.
What's the story in Bala-fucking-mory?
Reshuffle.
You win a year's supply ofcondoms.
Which in your case is four.
Anything?
Fatty's just been in. He just managed
to squeeze past the policeman.
Ifyou were promoted, good for you.
Ifit was a relegation, hard cheese.
Ifhe dumps me,
I'm going to find that wife ofhis.
I'll click her
right through the fucking head. Boom!
(Phone ringing)
How do you like this jib, darling? Bang!
- That noise is the phone.
- I know. I'm in denial.
But ifyou don't know whether or not you were
promoted, you were fucking relegated.
Great. OK, bye-bye.
He wants me to go in.
I just hope it isn't farmers.
I don't want to have to pretend
to be nice to farmers.
- Knock it out the park.
- Yeah. Good luck.
Welcome back to Robyn
from the all-new, totally revamped
Department ofSocial Affairs and Citizenship.
I've got no fucking idea what that means,
but it spells SAC!
Thank you. Thank you very much.
No autographs, please.
(Malcolm) SAC are being turfed out
oftheir tatty old building,
to be replaced by Julius Nicholson
and his Advanced Implementation Unit.
On to the broadcast schedule for today.
Colin did Today, which was lovely.
Sweet FA for The World At One,
please, as usual.
You know the lines. Most women ever.