The Thick of It (2005–2012): Season 1, Episode 3 - Episode #1.3 - full transcript
Not only is Hugh unsettled by the popularity of junior minister Dan Miller but his new Housing Bill is almost ready and it is discovered that he actually owns two houses - which would seem to be at odds with the spirit of the bill. Glenn suggests he tries to sell his flat in Notting Hill before the bill is read. Hugh hopes for some friendly publicity from the usually sympathetic journalist Angela Heaney but she is unimpressed by the dual ownership and it needs Tucker to deal with her.
It seemed like slow motion.
I had time to answer questions.
You looked the most relaxed I've seen.
Yeah, and did you see it when he...
Olly, did you see him
when I said your thing about,
in the opposition's case,
home is where the heartlessness is?
- Yeah.
- He looked almost hurt, I loved it.
- He didn't even get it.
- No, he got it, he flinched, he was hating it.
- He was fiddling with his catheter.
- Yeah.
It was a very satisfactory report stage debate.
- Only three amendments in the committee.
- How many did Doug's piece ofshit get?
(Terri) Oh, God, at least 200 or something.
He got fist-fucked in the Lords.
It was more amendment than ill.
- (Terri) Did you say we'd do a press release?
- Yes.
''"ollowing a successful report stage debate,
''Secretary ofState for Social Affairs,
Hugh Abbot, today announced,
'''I'm the fucking daddy'.''
(Laughter)
There was a smarmy piece in the Guardian,
though, did you see it?
Dan fucking Miller. ''Oh, all the work I've done
on the Standing Committee...''
Yeah, he's... My pie is extremely large,
you may have noticed.
- (Terri) He's brilliant.
- Pie for all my friends.
Yeah, my Jacuzzi is king-sized, and everybody
can park their arses on the bubble jets.
(Terri) Was that from something?
Dan Miller is a junior minister and he's not
done at all badly, he's just a bit green.
You're turning a bit green
yourselfthere, Minister.
What are you saying?
Are you saying I'm jealous ofDan...
- No, it's just a little...
- Do you know the invisible line?
- You just stepped over it.
Yeah, yeah.
- That's the problem with it being invisible.
- Again...
- I have just been invited to a...
- (Knock at door)
(Glenn) Just a moment...
(Olly) Danny boy!
(Terri) How lovely.
(Olly) Man ofthe hour.
- I've been...
- That is gorgeous. Shake your little hand.
- Lovely to see you.
- Mm!
- Well done, you did so bloody well.
- Thank you.
- You're looking well.
- It was fantastic.
Could you do GMTV for me tomorrow?
- I would love to do GMTV for you.
- Great.
- Dan...
- Thank you.
- Nice and early.
- I don't mind.
- Thanks, that's fantastic.
- How you feeling, good?
Well the debate did go very, very well
and the ill is going through, so...
- Um, I've got some stuffI need to...
- "ine, fine. Carry on.
- I have been invited...
- How are you, Glenn?
Good, thank you. Actually, you were very
heavy-handed with the backbenchers.
- There's no need for it in this day and age.
- Listen, Glenn.
You know as well as I do,
ifyou're going to make an omelette,
you're going to have to have some
frank and honest discussion with the eggs.
- And that's all I was doing.
- (Phone)
- Hello Malcolm.
- (Loudly Dan. How y lou doing.?
(Dan) How y are lou, lou terrier.?
Listen, I'm just calling because, erm...
You're gathering
a lot of veryinfluential admirers.
Oh, am I really?
You're irresistible,
you know that, don't you? You are.
I have a sort offeeling you're pulling my pisser.
I wouldn't pull your pisser, pal,
I know where it's fucking been.
(Dan laughs)
oh, hang on, listen I've got to go,
I've got Tom on the otherline.
OK, but, er, we'll talk soon.
Thanks for the DVDs, by the way.
Oh, hey, listen, Malcolm,
before you go, can you...
Did you get bumped
for someone more important?
- He's always doing that.
- I've got to go.
- I've got squash with Pete from the Treasury.
- (All) Ooh!
- Pete from the Treasury?
- He cut us a fair bit ofslack,
- so I offered a game to smooth things over.
- Good luck.
- I've got an appointment myself.
- Cool.
Yes, it's just supper with the prime minister.
Just the two ofus, it should be fun.
- Oh, that's very impressive.
- No it isn't, it's just what we do, it's normal.
Well, enjoy that, anyway, so...
- Can you phone me about GMTV later?
- (Terri) Yes. See you. Well done.
- Thanks. Thank you.
- Well done.
- Well done you, well done everyone.
- ye-bye.
(Terri) "antastic.
I'm not complacent, Tom.
Yeah I know we did take a hit over
the focus group thing, but it wasn't a big hit.
Oh, yeah? Says who?
Oh the prime minister told you that, huh?
Well, get you.
Look I can only cook with what I've been
given.
You know, it's like Ready Steady Cook.
You give me Hugh Abbot,
I'll give you bangers and mash.
ut ifyou give me Gerry from the Home Office,
well, then I can raise it to fucking risotto
and scallops, do you know what I mean?
Yeah, yeah, OK, OK, bye.
Sam?
Can you get me Terri Coverley
and Glenn Cullen,
make them an appointment to come over?
I think I've got to shout at some people now.
Oh, actually, get me John at Culture on the
phone. Think I'll have a bit ofa shout now.
- Is this tie all right?
- It's fine.
- I don't want to come across as some sort of...
- Sales rep.
- What, do I look like a bloody sales rep?
- No, no, no, no, it's fine.
What are those?
They're little hippos, aren't they?
I don't know what they are, actually, I think
they're unidentified amusing creatures.
I hate this, being called in for a bollocking from
Tucker, just cause he's been twatted by the PM.
All he'll do is spread us all over the office a bit
and then we'll be off.
Yes, and we've got every reason
to be very happy bunnies.
Day three ofthe report stage
and it's all gone like a dream.
A good dream, not one ofthose ones
where you can't move your legs.
- Absolutely. Now...
- Are you sure about this tie?
It's good, it's funny.
- "unny? "ucking hell.
- Terri...
- This is political breakthrough.
- No...
- I don't want laughs offmy clothes.
- Not funny ha ha...
- Maybe I should go without the tie.
- It's not a laugh, it's fine.
"uck yes, wish me luck,
I'm going to go without the tie.
- Right.
- I meant to ask you,
did you stay in the flat last night?
Yeah, for about a minute and a half.
Kate rang and Alicia had an ear infection.
It's obviously a life and death situation,
an infected ear. Huge crisis.
Hold the front page, shuttle disaster.
So I had to drive 20 miles through the night, so
that I could be ten feet away from Alicia's ear,
which, it turns out, wasn't infected anyway.
And Malcolm's been on at me about the flat,
he thinks there could be some problems
with the Housing ill.
You having a flat in Notting Hill
and living within commuting distance?
It is empty quite a lot ofthe time,
and with the key worker stuff...
ut, I mean, I need...
I need to have a place in London.
Everybody else important has got
a huge fuck-offgrace and favour pad.
Why haven't I got one?
I think I can sort this out for you
ifyou leave it to me.
You know, we do what we said, yes?
- The sale, but not a sale.
- Yeah, right, whatever.
Well, er, I'll see you later then,
we're offthis way.
- OK.
- Enjoy your supper.
- Enjoy your bollocking.
- (Laughs)
"or God's sake, I'm not going to kiss him.
- Evening, Minister, ifyou'd step this way.
- Thank you.
Excuses, excuses,
take your failure like a man, Olly.
All right, but next time I want a rematch
and I'm going to take you down, motherfucker.
- I'm gonna take you down.
- Where are you from?
Lincolnshire, with all the windmills
and the potatoes and the shit.
(Glenn) Are they...
(Hugh) An item?
You need me to suck up to you, as a politician.
He's made a pretty good job of, erm...made
a pretty good job ofshagging Angela Heaney.
- He could be bi.
- A lot ofthem are, you know.
It's just interesting,
seeing the dynamics play within the staff.
- There we are, look.
- He's a cheeky...
- (Hugh) He's seen us.
- See you...
- I'm going back into the office.
- (Dan) The minister's ducking.
He's actually ducked.
So what time does
this Daily Mail hack get here?
- Ten minutes. It's Angela Heaney.
- So she left the Standard?
- That's right.
- Go on, ask me some questions.
OK, I'll be Angela and ask you some questions...
My God, that's uncanny.
Mind you, your tits are a bit bigger than hers.
Is it true that although this Housing ill went
through Parliament with incredible ease...
Actually, can you just do it as yourself?
Sorry, it's just slightly unsettling.
Right, erm... That you'll find
a lot ofdifficulty in the real world...
On the contrary, this ill is going to do
an extraordinary amount ofgood
for an extraordinarily large number ofpeople.
Ordinary people, but ordinary people who
deserve a bit ofthe extraordinary in their lives.
(Laughs) Perfect, that's brilliant.
- It's a piece ofpiss.
- There you are, you see.
Go on ask me something hard.
Where's the Nazi gold, you donkey shagger?
I'm very pleased you asked that, Angela,
because let me just say
that this ill is going to do
an extraordinary amount ofgood...
(Dan) I'm not gonna...
- Oh, hello.
- You've showered off, have you?
- Good morning. Showered off, yes.
- Yes, thanks, Glenn.
- Have you been playing...
- An early morning game ofsquash, yeah.
Very good, I love... Squash is a fabulous game.
- Do you play?
- A lot ofluck...
- I don't any more, I used to play...
- What, club level?
- Yeah.
- Were you on a ladder?
No.
- Anyway...
- Time for us to go and meet Angela now.
Thanks.
I hope she doesn't bounce me offthe walls.
Anyway, great to have talked to you guys, and...
- Did you know Angela was in the building?
- Er, yes.
Will she be jealous?
Hi, Tom. What can we do for you?
Well, I didn't know
what he was doing with his flat.
I told him, that fucking flat....
Well, they're not running with this?
No, well, I know he's got an interview now
with, erm...Angela Heaney,
you know, that twat bubble from the Standard.
"uck, she's just gone to the Mail.
I'm onto it.
I wish you'd ask me a bit more about the ill
because it is an extraordinary triumph.
- I am asking you about the ill.
- Good, good.
Specifically about the
empty house management orders....
How do they square with the fact
that you have a second empty property
- that you won't sell?
- It's not technically empty.
I would have stayed there recently,
but my daughter was seriously ill.
- I've spoken to an Asian...
- She's seven.
I've spoken to an Asian family who say they've
put in four separate offers on your flat,
had them all rejected with no explanation.
Right, OK.
Get out ofthe way.
- Is it because they're Asian?
- No. No, God, no.
- Where the fuck is he?
- (Olly) The goldfish bowl.
"uck!
No, no, I'm very glad you brought that up,
because that...that gives me the opportunity to...
Sorry...I...
Er...just mucking about. Erm...
I have always maintained very clearly...
Hi, Angela. Sorry,
can I just borrow the minister for one moment?
Sure. Sorry, be right back with you.
(Inaudible shouting)
(Inaudible shouting)
- You're a fucking prick!
- Angela, can I get you a fresh cup ofcoffee?
- No, I'm fine thanks.
- Um, would you like some tea?
- Nope, nope.
- ..the fuck...
- No biscuits or anything?
- No.
- Do let me know ifyou need anything else.
- I will. Thanks very much.
Get back in there and wrap this bullshit up.
Ah. Hah!
- it ofa disagreement.
- limey.
Yeah. Erm...could you...
I'm just curious, could you hear?
ecause we were actually...
We can be quite brutal to each other,
because we're actually very, very good friends.
Right.
- You haven't accepted any offers?
- No!
- Jesus.
- That wasn't the point.
The whole deal was, we put the flat
on the market so ifthe press ask,
we say, ''"uck off, he's selling it,''
they go away and Hugh has a place in town.
Why is your girlfriend hitting us with this?
- She's not my girlfriend, so I've no idea.
- You won't mind ifI kill her, then, will you?
It'd solve a lot ofissues for me.
Hey, hey, ifyou could sweet-talk
that sour-faced bitch into dropping it....
IfI could talk that sour-faced bitch
into anything,
I would have had a better four months.
- I'll just have to kill the both ofyou then.
- Yeah, well.
That's a joke, by the way, not a very nice one,
which masks a lot ofnegative feelings
about this fucking department.
- (Phone)
- Oh, Jesus.
Tom Davies. Tom? Hello, how are you? Yes.
No, he was already there when I got there,
he was talking to her.
What is happening? What the hell was that?
That was supposed to be a nice interview.
- What on earth did you say to her?
- I think I denied being a racist. I hope so.
You didn't say you have lots ofblack friends...
Ofcourse not. Well, I haven't got any.
- What did you say about the offers?
- I said I wasn't...
someone else was handling the sale
and I wasn't aware ofany offers.
Hugh?
Did you mention me by name?
Erm, possibly... I don't think...
I may, in between denying racism,
possibly have, yes.
Thank you, thank you very much,
thanks a fucking bunch.
- OK.
- OK, so what's the line on this then?
- I don't know, what is the line on this?
- Jesus!
- I don't know, don't look at me.
- We need a line on this.
- OK, we got movement, we got a break.
- What? What? What?
- The flat's sold....
- What?
To the Asian family,
for 40 grand below the asking price.
- ut it's OK.
- What is it?
- Malcolm?
- Yeah?
- We're too late.
- What?
All the papers have got it,
the Express has been making offers on it,
- at the asking price and also 30,000 more,
- Jesus.
- Haven't been accepted.
- We've got to stall.
This is madness, I just own a flat,
I haven't raped somebody.
- Yeah. They're calling the scandal "latgate.
- Scandal?
That's crap. It's a crap name for a scandal.
They should call it Notting Hill Gate-gate.
Can we at least stop calling it a scandal?
Are you joking? Are you joking, now?
- On my way to stall.
- Yeah, get stalling.
Ohh.
Maybe we can just blame it all on Terri.
That is an option, isn't it?
- It's a flat.
- It is a second home.
In a borough with thousands ofhomeless
people, which you have kept empty for ages.
Have you not read your own Housing ill?
I only kept it empty for a little while
to see my bloody family.
Obviously, on reflection, I should have filled it
with prostitutes and rent boys
and crack cocaine pimp tattoo freaks.
Thanks to Dan Miller and his like,
the Housing ill is a success,
but this is burying the whole thing.
Well, what do you want me to do? Resign?
No, no, no, that is... I'm not going over this.
- The way out ofthis is for you to...
- This is madness, this desire for perfection.
I am not perfect, I am just a person, right,
I need to sleep, I need to eat,
occasionally I need to take a dump.
So what's next?
Do we put that on the evening news,
on the front page?
''Minister In Disgusting Defecation Outburst?''
Molly Sugden at Number Ten.
''Enjoy your shit, Mr Abbot?''
They should just clone ministers,
so we're born at 55
with no past and no flats and no genitals.
Just a world ofrobots in a sort of...
It's like a futuristic film, and you'd enjoy that,
you'd be in your little space station
surrounded by obedient androids,
like that fucking brushed aluminium
Dan Miller cyberprick.
It is possible
to have a good resignation, you know?
A good resignation? Oh, I'm looking forward
to how you're going to sell this to me.
Look, people really like it
when you go just a bit early,
you know, steely-jawed,
faraway look in your eyes,
before they get to sitting round in pubs
saying ''That fucker's got to go.''
You surprise them.
''limey, he's gone, I didn't expect that.
''Resigned? You don't see that much any more.
''Old school, respect, I rather liked the guy,
he was hounded out by the fucking press.''
How about that, huh?
What a way to go, yeah?
It's probably going to be...
it's going to be Hugh that has to go this time.
Yeah. (Laughs)
Yeah, it is, it's very sad, very sad.
OK, Tom, yes, indeed, yes, indeed.
Er, two minutes. Two minutes.
That's Tom, he's finishing with the prime
minister. I'm going to go and join him.
- You might as well stay here.
- Yeah.
- I'll try and make it quick.
- Sure it wouldn't help ifI went in?
No, no, I mean
we're going to be talking about you.
- It would be awkward, yes?
- Yeah. Ofcourse.
- Very awkward.
- Yup.
You just relax,
help yourselfto a paper or something.
It'll be fine in the end, we'll just
get another doomed middle-aged man in
on Monday morning, come through the door,
stride about a bit,
spunk offand I'll have to mop up the mess.
It'll be business as usual.
The whole heat could come out ofthis situation
ifI went.
It's not come to
any kind ofresignation yet, surely?
Do you know what pisses me off
After 37 years, without a moment's thought,
he's prepared to drop me right in it.
He just panicked.
Ifanyone's going to resign, I should.
No, no, that's decent ofyou, but I'll go.
You should stay, you know,
any fucker can sit at the end ofa corridor
behind a pot plant.
ut you're the man who stands behind his desk
making sure the pen works.
So maybe you should go? Yeah.
- Now, hang on.
- Yeah, you've convinced me.
- I think it would be better.
- No, I'm just saying, in the scheme ofthings.
- I'm not saying I should go.
- You just said you should.
- I'm talking academically.
- You said... That wasn't academic talk.
- It absolutely was academic.
- It wasn't.
- I'll write it down...
- That's real virtual talk.
- I'm having an academic discussion.
- No. I'm having a real discussion with you.
- We can reset for a real discussion...
- Resign now,
and I'll put the letter on Hugh's desk.
Well I could very easily say the same thing. I...
- I'm not doing that.
- Why the fuck not?
Hugh's my friend. I won't do that for him.
I'll stay and stand behind him.
I'm just the counter man in McDonald's.
You're the clown running the shop.
You're the one who they want to see
strung up from a lamppost by his fucking wig.
- What does that make me?
- Ronald McDonald.
Well, fuck off.
- I'm not going, mate.
- No, neither am I.
So, what did the PM say?
There's going to be an inquiry.
(Sighs)
Oh, yes, oh, yes.
- Thank you, you're a fucking star.
- No problem.
Sam. Yeah, ofcourse.
Hugh, Hugh. It's the prime minister. Could
you...
Whoo!
(Sighs)
- Mmm.
- Hello.
Oh! Hello.
- Is everything all right, Minister?
- Mmm.
- These weren't special biscuits, were they?
- No, no.
- Good.
- How are you?
Well I've been better to be honest, but there's
going to be an inquiry so, fingers crossed.
- Right, well we're all rooting for you.
- Oh! Thank you very much.
Can I get you a chair?
Would you like to sit down?
- Yes, please.
- OK.
- y the biscuits.
- Thank you.
All right?
Erm, can I get you some more biscuits
or a coffee?
- Yes, please.
- OK.
(Phone)
- Olly Reeder.
- What?
- Put me on the speakerphone.
- It's the minister.
- Thel're going to have an inquiry.
- Where are you?
I'm still at Number Ten,
they're going to have an inquiry.
- Yes!
- Great.
Who are thelgoing to have.?
I don't know, I don't know
whether we get any say in it.
ut, I mean, Lord Hibbert's very nice.
I was with him at the "A Cup semifinal last year
and we were both trying to make out
we had a clue what was going on.
We've talked before about
the ideal person to head an inquiry.
It was a tie between
Eamonn Holmes and Alan enett.
(Glenn) I tell lou w yho'd be good,
Lord Monckton.
- Lord Monckton?
- (Glenn) Yeah.
Oh, Lord Monckton certainly
is in the frame here at Number Ten.
- (Glenn) Uh-huh.?
- Yeah. I'm with the PM's people now.
- Hugh?
- Oh, Malcolm's just joined us.
Right Hugh, good news.
The PM's asking the Right Honourable Lord
Monckton ofCheshunt to head the inquiry.
- Good, it is Monckton.
- (Glenn) Yes! Hugh!
All right, fuck off.
You've got a department to run.
- Thanks, Malcolm.
- Yeah, yeah.
Thanks, yeah.
Look at this one.
''PM Just Can't Kick The Abbot.''
- Dreadful picture. You look like a sales rep.
- They've Photoshopped that.
Surprising they haven't got anything better
to write about after, what? "our, five days now?
Until Monckton reports,
they're going to stay on this. They want blood.
- (Phone)
- Oh, hang on.
Good morning, Malcolm.
I want you, Terri and Olly over here right now.
Not Hugh,
do not bring Hugh to Downing Street.
- Put him on for me for a minute.
- Yes, hang on.
- It's Malcolm. He wants to speak to you.
- Go on.
Right Hugh, I've seen Monckton's report.
It's not good.
- OK.
- He's talked to that driver you got rid of.
Oh my God. I never liked him,
I told Glenn I didn't liked him.
The driver. He was a smirky bastard.
He told them he heard lou and Glenn talking about
putting lourflat on the market
but not accepting anl offers.
In passing,
it was just mentioned in passing, just words.
It's not as though we were
plotting like Guy "awkes,
concocting our evil master plan
to not sell a two-bedroom flat.
I didn't know Glenn had gone ahead.
I'm just tired, Malcolm, is that a crime now?
"eeling shattered?
That is not going to be the headline,
the headline is going to be, you have lied.
Right, look, I w yant lourguls overhere,
but not lou, understand.? Not lou.
Would it help ifI was there?
Or will you all be talking about me?
We'll all be talking about you.
Right, I'll ring for a cab.
It's quicker than calling one ofthe cars up. OK?
- (All) OK.
- Right, well let's get going.
- Yeah.
- Ah, Hugh, bye.
- OK. Yep.
- Yep. See you later.
- OK.
- Probably, anyway.
(Hugh whistles)
Hugh. I mean, with the other two,
it's just another day, isn't it?
- I know, I know.
- I want you to know I'm on your side.
You know? I wouldn't...
- We'll ride again.
- OK.
Department ofSocial Affairs. Department
offucking, shocking, shitty, charlatan shits.
That's what...
"eet offthe furniture, you Oxbridge twat.
You're not in a punt now.
Yeah.
Yes! I am king
ofremembering my own password.
- (Knock at door)
- Yep?
- Hello, Dan.
- Hi Hugh. Is Olly about? I need him...
- No, he's with Tucker. Well, they all are.
- Is something up?
No, they're just talking about...
A directive came from one ofthe think-tanks
about how the press secretaries should
minute meetings with lobbyists and, erm...
- Right.
- So they're just talking about how fucked I am.
Oh, the report?
Yeah. It's like Monkton
sat in front ofthe word processor
and let the righteous anger
ofthe independent judiciary flow out.
It's such a something and nothing issue
to get crucified over.
- Isn't it?
- It's just a flat.
Precisely, just because I'm not some
brushed aluminium cyberprick like, er...
- Like, er...
- Like Olly.
Yeah. ut, anyway,
- I've missed my ideal resigning point.
- Yes.
With every day I delay,
it's another year before I can get back again.
- Mm.
- IfI had resigned the day I was appointed,
I'd actually be prime minister by now.
The line is that we don't throw a good man out
to the wolves over one single little fuck-up.
- So Hugh's staying?
- Yeah.
- We tell the wolves to fuck off.
- Not exactly.
- They need a blood sacrifice.
- Indeed they do, they want a head on a plate.
We've got to give them head,
is that what you're saying?
You're clever aren't you? Very, very clever.
How much does your head weigh?
I don't know. Eight pounds?
Maybe more.
- Mm.
- It's not my head. I've only got halfa head.
I'm a half-head.
- One ofyou's got to decide.
- Jesus Christ.
Which ofyou will do the decent thing?
We've been through this.
Apparently I'm Ronald fucking McDonald.
Hang on, why are you not included in this?
Why is it one ofus two?
IfI've got to resign, then you've got to resign.
- ''IfI've got to resign...''
- I answer to you on matters ofpolicy.
In which case, he's got to go,
because I answer to him.
- So we've all got to go now, eh?
- Well, I am going nowhere.
I didn't do anything, I did nothing.
- I am as clean as a whistle.
- Oh, Terri, grow up.
Don't give me that pile offucking bollocks.
Just because you're a civil servant,
don't think your shit doesn't smell.
- I know things about you.
- What?
- What do you know?
- Yeah, we know things.
- Oh, knob off. You know bugger all.
- (Terri) What?
All you know is how to suck up
to the new kid on the block.
- (Camply) ''Oooh, what a lovely backhand.''
- "uck off.
- ''Oooh, my stroke is so hard.''
- You're so fucking repressed!
- I was just playing squash.
- Glenn, what do you know?
- What do you think you know?
- I know.
- What is it?
- I'm going to go and see Tucker.
- I'm going to resign.
- You don't need to.
- Yeah, I know.
- Then don't, Hugh.
No, I've been thinking,
it will be very, very good.
The report isn't out for three days
and, er...I can leave before it with dignity.
I'll be seen as an honourable man.
I'll be in government in two years
with a clean slate and a fresh tie.
And I'll be shot ofthis fucking department.
It takes four days to get a memo through.
Social Affairs. What the fuck
does that actually mean? It's so vague.
You know, ''Hello, I'm Hugh Abbot,
the Minister for, I don't know, stuff.''
Look at these civil servants here. You wouldn't
get these dweebs at the "oreign Office.
This place is packed to the gills with dreck....
No offence.
Well, I accept it.
On behalfofthe PM, I accept your resignation.
As you've worked out, it's probably for the best.
- Can I help?
- Just going to see Mr Tucker.
- He has someone with him.
- It won't take long, it's quite urgent.
- I'm sorry, you'll have to wait.
- Right.
- (Sighs)
- Can I get you a biscuit?
No, thank you.
You won't regret this, Dan.
Trust me, you won't.
- Yeah, let's hope not.
- (Laughs)
- Hey, you must be gutted.
- Yeah. Yeah.
- Hi.
- Dan.
- Oh, you're seeing Malcolm, are you?
- Yep.
- Thank you.
- Thank you, Susan. That was fine.
Malcolm, I've made a decision.
Do you know, what I said about memos
in the department,
I mean, that's sortable, we can just sort it,
you know, it's just an admin thing...
- Don't worry, we understand.
- (Glenn) No one's...
- Lovely new memo on urban renewal.
- Oh, good.
You see, here's a memo
and it's only taken me a day to get...
to get to me, so things are looking up already.
Dan really did himself
some favours there, you know.
Would you like to hear what our leader thinks?
This is the PM's reply to his resignation letter.
''You are a dazzlingly bright, talented,
committed and honourable new force
in ritish politics.
''I am immensely sorry to lose you,
''but I predict you will one day
find yourselfin very high office indeed.''
Well that's just easy, though.
Resigning's just...that's cheap and lazy.
(Glenn) Yeah.
(Terri) He's a little shit anyway, Dan Miller.
- (Olly) I never liked him.
- I never liked him, I never ever liked him.
(Olly) It's really late, let's...
- Come on, Glenn, time to go home.
- (Glenn) Coming.
(Hugh) I thought Dan was good.
(Olly) See you.
(Terri) Night.
(Glenn) Good night, Hugh.
(Hugh) Oh, God.
(Sighs)
Actually, can I stay on your sofa tonight?
- Yep.
- Thanks.
I had time to answer questions.
You looked the most relaxed I've seen.
Yeah, and did you see it when he...
Olly, did you see him
when I said your thing about,
in the opposition's case,
home is where the heartlessness is?
- Yeah.
- He looked almost hurt, I loved it.
- He didn't even get it.
- No, he got it, he flinched, he was hating it.
- He was fiddling with his catheter.
- Yeah.
It was a very satisfactory report stage debate.
- Only three amendments in the committee.
- How many did Doug's piece ofshit get?
(Terri) Oh, God, at least 200 or something.
He got fist-fucked in the Lords.
It was more amendment than ill.
- (Terri) Did you say we'd do a press release?
- Yes.
''"ollowing a successful report stage debate,
''Secretary ofState for Social Affairs,
Hugh Abbot, today announced,
'''I'm the fucking daddy'.''
(Laughter)
There was a smarmy piece in the Guardian,
though, did you see it?
Dan fucking Miller. ''Oh, all the work I've done
on the Standing Committee...''
Yeah, he's... My pie is extremely large,
you may have noticed.
- (Terri) He's brilliant.
- Pie for all my friends.
Yeah, my Jacuzzi is king-sized, and everybody
can park their arses on the bubble jets.
(Terri) Was that from something?
Dan Miller is a junior minister and he's not
done at all badly, he's just a bit green.
You're turning a bit green
yourselfthere, Minister.
What are you saying?
Are you saying I'm jealous ofDan...
- No, it's just a little...
- Do you know the invisible line?
- You just stepped over it.
Yeah, yeah.
- That's the problem with it being invisible.
- Again...
- I have just been invited to a...
- (Knock at door)
(Glenn) Just a moment...
(Olly) Danny boy!
(Terri) How lovely.
(Olly) Man ofthe hour.
- I've been...
- That is gorgeous. Shake your little hand.
- Lovely to see you.
- Mm!
- Well done, you did so bloody well.
- Thank you.
- You're looking well.
- It was fantastic.
Could you do GMTV for me tomorrow?
- I would love to do GMTV for you.
- Great.
- Dan...
- Thank you.
- Nice and early.
- I don't mind.
- Thanks, that's fantastic.
- How you feeling, good?
Well the debate did go very, very well
and the ill is going through, so...
- Um, I've got some stuffI need to...
- "ine, fine. Carry on.
- I have been invited...
- How are you, Glenn?
Good, thank you. Actually, you were very
heavy-handed with the backbenchers.
- There's no need for it in this day and age.
- Listen, Glenn.
You know as well as I do,
ifyou're going to make an omelette,
you're going to have to have some
frank and honest discussion with the eggs.
- And that's all I was doing.
- (Phone)
- Hello Malcolm.
- (Loudly Dan. How y lou doing.?
(Dan) How y are lou, lou terrier.?
Listen, I'm just calling because, erm...
You're gathering
a lot of veryinfluential admirers.
Oh, am I really?
You're irresistible,
you know that, don't you? You are.
I have a sort offeeling you're pulling my pisser.
I wouldn't pull your pisser, pal,
I know where it's fucking been.
(Dan laughs)
oh, hang on, listen I've got to go,
I've got Tom on the otherline.
OK, but, er, we'll talk soon.
Thanks for the DVDs, by the way.
Oh, hey, listen, Malcolm,
before you go, can you...
Did you get bumped
for someone more important?
- He's always doing that.
- I've got to go.
- I've got squash with Pete from the Treasury.
- (All) Ooh!
- Pete from the Treasury?
- He cut us a fair bit ofslack,
- so I offered a game to smooth things over.
- Good luck.
- I've got an appointment myself.
- Cool.
Yes, it's just supper with the prime minister.
Just the two ofus, it should be fun.
- Oh, that's very impressive.
- No it isn't, it's just what we do, it's normal.
Well, enjoy that, anyway, so...
- Can you phone me about GMTV later?
- (Terri) Yes. See you. Well done.
- Thanks. Thank you.
- Well done.
- Well done you, well done everyone.
- ye-bye.
(Terri) "antastic.
I'm not complacent, Tom.
Yeah I know we did take a hit over
the focus group thing, but it wasn't a big hit.
Oh, yeah? Says who?
Oh the prime minister told you that, huh?
Well, get you.
Look I can only cook with what I've been
given.
You know, it's like Ready Steady Cook.
You give me Hugh Abbot,
I'll give you bangers and mash.
ut ifyou give me Gerry from the Home Office,
well, then I can raise it to fucking risotto
and scallops, do you know what I mean?
Yeah, yeah, OK, OK, bye.
Sam?
Can you get me Terri Coverley
and Glenn Cullen,
make them an appointment to come over?
I think I've got to shout at some people now.
Oh, actually, get me John at Culture on the
phone. Think I'll have a bit ofa shout now.
- Is this tie all right?
- It's fine.
- I don't want to come across as some sort of...
- Sales rep.
- What, do I look like a bloody sales rep?
- No, no, no, no, it's fine.
What are those?
They're little hippos, aren't they?
I don't know what they are, actually, I think
they're unidentified amusing creatures.
I hate this, being called in for a bollocking from
Tucker, just cause he's been twatted by the PM.
All he'll do is spread us all over the office a bit
and then we'll be off.
Yes, and we've got every reason
to be very happy bunnies.
Day three ofthe report stage
and it's all gone like a dream.
A good dream, not one ofthose ones
where you can't move your legs.
- Absolutely. Now...
- Are you sure about this tie?
It's good, it's funny.
- "unny? "ucking hell.
- Terri...
- This is political breakthrough.
- No...
- I don't want laughs offmy clothes.
- Not funny ha ha...
- Maybe I should go without the tie.
- It's not a laugh, it's fine.
"uck yes, wish me luck,
I'm going to go without the tie.
- Right.
- I meant to ask you,
did you stay in the flat last night?
Yeah, for about a minute and a half.
Kate rang and Alicia had an ear infection.
It's obviously a life and death situation,
an infected ear. Huge crisis.
Hold the front page, shuttle disaster.
So I had to drive 20 miles through the night, so
that I could be ten feet away from Alicia's ear,
which, it turns out, wasn't infected anyway.
And Malcolm's been on at me about the flat,
he thinks there could be some problems
with the Housing ill.
You having a flat in Notting Hill
and living within commuting distance?
It is empty quite a lot ofthe time,
and with the key worker stuff...
ut, I mean, I need...
I need to have a place in London.
Everybody else important has got
a huge fuck-offgrace and favour pad.
Why haven't I got one?
I think I can sort this out for you
ifyou leave it to me.
You know, we do what we said, yes?
- The sale, but not a sale.
- Yeah, right, whatever.
Well, er, I'll see you later then,
we're offthis way.
- OK.
- Enjoy your supper.
- Enjoy your bollocking.
- (Laughs)
"or God's sake, I'm not going to kiss him.
- Evening, Minister, ifyou'd step this way.
- Thank you.
Excuses, excuses,
take your failure like a man, Olly.
All right, but next time I want a rematch
and I'm going to take you down, motherfucker.
- I'm gonna take you down.
- Where are you from?
Lincolnshire, with all the windmills
and the potatoes and the shit.
(Glenn) Are they...
(Hugh) An item?
You need me to suck up to you, as a politician.
He's made a pretty good job of, erm...made
a pretty good job ofshagging Angela Heaney.
- He could be bi.
- A lot ofthem are, you know.
It's just interesting,
seeing the dynamics play within the staff.
- There we are, look.
- He's a cheeky...
- (Hugh) He's seen us.
- See you...
- I'm going back into the office.
- (Dan) The minister's ducking.
He's actually ducked.
So what time does
this Daily Mail hack get here?
- Ten minutes. It's Angela Heaney.
- So she left the Standard?
- That's right.
- Go on, ask me some questions.
OK, I'll be Angela and ask you some questions...
My God, that's uncanny.
Mind you, your tits are a bit bigger than hers.
Is it true that although this Housing ill went
through Parliament with incredible ease...
Actually, can you just do it as yourself?
Sorry, it's just slightly unsettling.
Right, erm... That you'll find
a lot ofdifficulty in the real world...
On the contrary, this ill is going to do
an extraordinary amount ofgood
for an extraordinarily large number ofpeople.
Ordinary people, but ordinary people who
deserve a bit ofthe extraordinary in their lives.
(Laughs) Perfect, that's brilliant.
- It's a piece ofpiss.
- There you are, you see.
Go on ask me something hard.
Where's the Nazi gold, you donkey shagger?
I'm very pleased you asked that, Angela,
because let me just say
that this ill is going to do
an extraordinary amount ofgood...
(Dan) I'm not gonna...
- Oh, hello.
- You've showered off, have you?
- Good morning. Showered off, yes.
- Yes, thanks, Glenn.
- Have you been playing...
- An early morning game ofsquash, yeah.
Very good, I love... Squash is a fabulous game.
- Do you play?
- A lot ofluck...
- I don't any more, I used to play...
- What, club level?
- Yeah.
- Were you on a ladder?
No.
- Anyway...
- Time for us to go and meet Angela now.
Thanks.
I hope she doesn't bounce me offthe walls.
Anyway, great to have talked to you guys, and...
- Did you know Angela was in the building?
- Er, yes.
Will she be jealous?
Hi, Tom. What can we do for you?
Well, I didn't know
what he was doing with his flat.
I told him, that fucking flat....
Well, they're not running with this?
No, well, I know he's got an interview now
with, erm...Angela Heaney,
you know, that twat bubble from the Standard.
"uck, she's just gone to the Mail.
I'm onto it.
I wish you'd ask me a bit more about the ill
because it is an extraordinary triumph.
- I am asking you about the ill.
- Good, good.
Specifically about the
empty house management orders....
How do they square with the fact
that you have a second empty property
- that you won't sell?
- It's not technically empty.
I would have stayed there recently,
but my daughter was seriously ill.
- I've spoken to an Asian...
- She's seven.
I've spoken to an Asian family who say they've
put in four separate offers on your flat,
had them all rejected with no explanation.
Right, OK.
Get out ofthe way.
- Is it because they're Asian?
- No. No, God, no.
- Where the fuck is he?
- (Olly) The goldfish bowl.
"uck!
No, no, I'm very glad you brought that up,
because that...that gives me the opportunity to...
Sorry...I...
Er...just mucking about. Erm...
I have always maintained very clearly...
Hi, Angela. Sorry,
can I just borrow the minister for one moment?
Sure. Sorry, be right back with you.
(Inaudible shouting)
(Inaudible shouting)
- You're a fucking prick!
- Angela, can I get you a fresh cup ofcoffee?
- No, I'm fine thanks.
- Um, would you like some tea?
- Nope, nope.
- ..the fuck...
- No biscuits or anything?
- No.
- Do let me know ifyou need anything else.
- I will. Thanks very much.
Get back in there and wrap this bullshit up.
Ah. Hah!
- it ofa disagreement.
- limey.
Yeah. Erm...could you...
I'm just curious, could you hear?
ecause we were actually...
We can be quite brutal to each other,
because we're actually very, very good friends.
Right.
- You haven't accepted any offers?
- No!
- Jesus.
- That wasn't the point.
The whole deal was, we put the flat
on the market so ifthe press ask,
we say, ''"uck off, he's selling it,''
they go away and Hugh has a place in town.
Why is your girlfriend hitting us with this?
- She's not my girlfriend, so I've no idea.
- You won't mind ifI kill her, then, will you?
It'd solve a lot ofissues for me.
Hey, hey, ifyou could sweet-talk
that sour-faced bitch into dropping it....
IfI could talk that sour-faced bitch
into anything,
I would have had a better four months.
- I'll just have to kill the both ofyou then.
- Yeah, well.
That's a joke, by the way, not a very nice one,
which masks a lot ofnegative feelings
about this fucking department.
- (Phone)
- Oh, Jesus.
Tom Davies. Tom? Hello, how are you? Yes.
No, he was already there when I got there,
he was talking to her.
What is happening? What the hell was that?
That was supposed to be a nice interview.
- What on earth did you say to her?
- I think I denied being a racist. I hope so.
You didn't say you have lots ofblack friends...
Ofcourse not. Well, I haven't got any.
- What did you say about the offers?
- I said I wasn't...
someone else was handling the sale
and I wasn't aware ofany offers.
Hugh?
Did you mention me by name?
Erm, possibly... I don't think...
I may, in between denying racism,
possibly have, yes.
Thank you, thank you very much,
thanks a fucking bunch.
- OK.
- OK, so what's the line on this then?
- I don't know, what is the line on this?
- Jesus!
- I don't know, don't look at me.
- We need a line on this.
- OK, we got movement, we got a break.
- What? What? What?
- The flat's sold....
- What?
To the Asian family,
for 40 grand below the asking price.
- ut it's OK.
- What is it?
- Malcolm?
- Yeah?
- We're too late.
- What?
All the papers have got it,
the Express has been making offers on it,
- at the asking price and also 30,000 more,
- Jesus.
- Haven't been accepted.
- We've got to stall.
This is madness, I just own a flat,
I haven't raped somebody.
- Yeah. They're calling the scandal "latgate.
- Scandal?
That's crap. It's a crap name for a scandal.
They should call it Notting Hill Gate-gate.
Can we at least stop calling it a scandal?
Are you joking? Are you joking, now?
- On my way to stall.
- Yeah, get stalling.
Ohh.
Maybe we can just blame it all on Terri.
That is an option, isn't it?
- It's a flat.
- It is a second home.
In a borough with thousands ofhomeless
people, which you have kept empty for ages.
Have you not read your own Housing ill?
I only kept it empty for a little while
to see my bloody family.
Obviously, on reflection, I should have filled it
with prostitutes and rent boys
and crack cocaine pimp tattoo freaks.
Thanks to Dan Miller and his like,
the Housing ill is a success,
but this is burying the whole thing.
Well, what do you want me to do? Resign?
No, no, no, that is... I'm not going over this.
- The way out ofthis is for you to...
- This is madness, this desire for perfection.
I am not perfect, I am just a person, right,
I need to sleep, I need to eat,
occasionally I need to take a dump.
So what's next?
Do we put that on the evening news,
on the front page?
''Minister In Disgusting Defecation Outburst?''
Molly Sugden at Number Ten.
''Enjoy your shit, Mr Abbot?''
They should just clone ministers,
so we're born at 55
with no past and no flats and no genitals.
Just a world ofrobots in a sort of...
It's like a futuristic film, and you'd enjoy that,
you'd be in your little space station
surrounded by obedient androids,
like that fucking brushed aluminium
Dan Miller cyberprick.
It is possible
to have a good resignation, you know?
A good resignation? Oh, I'm looking forward
to how you're going to sell this to me.
Look, people really like it
when you go just a bit early,
you know, steely-jawed,
faraway look in your eyes,
before they get to sitting round in pubs
saying ''That fucker's got to go.''
You surprise them.
''limey, he's gone, I didn't expect that.
''Resigned? You don't see that much any more.
''Old school, respect, I rather liked the guy,
he was hounded out by the fucking press.''
How about that, huh?
What a way to go, yeah?
It's probably going to be...
it's going to be Hugh that has to go this time.
Yeah. (Laughs)
Yeah, it is, it's very sad, very sad.
OK, Tom, yes, indeed, yes, indeed.
Er, two minutes. Two minutes.
That's Tom, he's finishing with the prime
minister. I'm going to go and join him.
- You might as well stay here.
- Yeah.
- I'll try and make it quick.
- Sure it wouldn't help ifI went in?
No, no, I mean
we're going to be talking about you.
- It would be awkward, yes?
- Yeah. Ofcourse.
- Very awkward.
- Yup.
You just relax,
help yourselfto a paper or something.
It'll be fine in the end, we'll just
get another doomed middle-aged man in
on Monday morning, come through the door,
stride about a bit,
spunk offand I'll have to mop up the mess.
It'll be business as usual.
The whole heat could come out ofthis situation
ifI went.
It's not come to
any kind ofresignation yet, surely?
Do you know what pisses me off
After 37 years, without a moment's thought,
he's prepared to drop me right in it.
He just panicked.
Ifanyone's going to resign, I should.
No, no, that's decent ofyou, but I'll go.
You should stay, you know,
any fucker can sit at the end ofa corridor
behind a pot plant.
ut you're the man who stands behind his desk
making sure the pen works.
So maybe you should go? Yeah.
- Now, hang on.
- Yeah, you've convinced me.
- I think it would be better.
- No, I'm just saying, in the scheme ofthings.
- I'm not saying I should go.
- You just said you should.
- I'm talking academically.
- You said... That wasn't academic talk.
- It absolutely was academic.
- It wasn't.
- I'll write it down...
- That's real virtual talk.
- I'm having an academic discussion.
- No. I'm having a real discussion with you.
- We can reset for a real discussion...
- Resign now,
and I'll put the letter on Hugh's desk.
Well I could very easily say the same thing. I...
- I'm not doing that.
- Why the fuck not?
Hugh's my friend. I won't do that for him.
I'll stay and stand behind him.
I'm just the counter man in McDonald's.
You're the clown running the shop.
You're the one who they want to see
strung up from a lamppost by his fucking wig.
- What does that make me?
- Ronald McDonald.
Well, fuck off.
- I'm not going, mate.
- No, neither am I.
So, what did the PM say?
There's going to be an inquiry.
(Sighs)
Oh, yes, oh, yes.
- Thank you, you're a fucking star.
- No problem.
Sam. Yeah, ofcourse.
Hugh, Hugh. It's the prime minister. Could
you...
Whoo!
(Sighs)
- Mmm.
- Hello.
Oh! Hello.
- Is everything all right, Minister?
- Mmm.
- These weren't special biscuits, were they?
- No, no.
- Good.
- How are you?
Well I've been better to be honest, but there's
going to be an inquiry so, fingers crossed.
- Right, well we're all rooting for you.
- Oh! Thank you very much.
Can I get you a chair?
Would you like to sit down?
- Yes, please.
- OK.
- y the biscuits.
- Thank you.
All right?
Erm, can I get you some more biscuits
or a coffee?
- Yes, please.
- OK.
(Phone)
- Olly Reeder.
- What?
- Put me on the speakerphone.
- It's the minister.
- Thel're going to have an inquiry.
- Where are you?
I'm still at Number Ten,
they're going to have an inquiry.
- Yes!
- Great.
Who are thelgoing to have.?
I don't know, I don't know
whether we get any say in it.
ut, I mean, Lord Hibbert's very nice.
I was with him at the "A Cup semifinal last year
and we were both trying to make out
we had a clue what was going on.
We've talked before about
the ideal person to head an inquiry.
It was a tie between
Eamonn Holmes and Alan enett.
(Glenn) I tell lou w yho'd be good,
Lord Monckton.
- Lord Monckton?
- (Glenn) Yeah.
Oh, Lord Monckton certainly
is in the frame here at Number Ten.
- (Glenn) Uh-huh.?
- Yeah. I'm with the PM's people now.
- Hugh?
- Oh, Malcolm's just joined us.
Right Hugh, good news.
The PM's asking the Right Honourable Lord
Monckton ofCheshunt to head the inquiry.
- Good, it is Monckton.
- (Glenn) Yes! Hugh!
All right, fuck off.
You've got a department to run.
- Thanks, Malcolm.
- Yeah, yeah.
Thanks, yeah.
Look at this one.
''PM Just Can't Kick The Abbot.''
- Dreadful picture. You look like a sales rep.
- They've Photoshopped that.
Surprising they haven't got anything better
to write about after, what? "our, five days now?
Until Monckton reports,
they're going to stay on this. They want blood.
- (Phone)
- Oh, hang on.
Good morning, Malcolm.
I want you, Terri and Olly over here right now.
Not Hugh,
do not bring Hugh to Downing Street.
- Put him on for me for a minute.
- Yes, hang on.
- It's Malcolm. He wants to speak to you.
- Go on.
Right Hugh, I've seen Monckton's report.
It's not good.
- OK.
- He's talked to that driver you got rid of.
Oh my God. I never liked him,
I told Glenn I didn't liked him.
The driver. He was a smirky bastard.
He told them he heard lou and Glenn talking about
putting lourflat on the market
but not accepting anl offers.
In passing,
it was just mentioned in passing, just words.
It's not as though we were
plotting like Guy "awkes,
concocting our evil master plan
to not sell a two-bedroom flat.
I didn't know Glenn had gone ahead.
I'm just tired, Malcolm, is that a crime now?
"eeling shattered?
That is not going to be the headline,
the headline is going to be, you have lied.
Right, look, I w yant lourguls overhere,
but not lou, understand.? Not lou.
Would it help ifI was there?
Or will you all be talking about me?
We'll all be talking about you.
Right, I'll ring for a cab.
It's quicker than calling one ofthe cars up. OK?
- (All) OK.
- Right, well let's get going.
- Yeah.
- Ah, Hugh, bye.
- OK. Yep.
- Yep. See you later.
- OK.
- Probably, anyway.
(Hugh whistles)
Hugh. I mean, with the other two,
it's just another day, isn't it?
- I know, I know.
- I want you to know I'm on your side.
You know? I wouldn't...
- We'll ride again.
- OK.
Department ofSocial Affairs. Department
offucking, shocking, shitty, charlatan shits.
That's what...
"eet offthe furniture, you Oxbridge twat.
You're not in a punt now.
Yeah.
Yes! I am king
ofremembering my own password.
- (Knock at door)
- Yep?
- Hello, Dan.
- Hi Hugh. Is Olly about? I need him...
- No, he's with Tucker. Well, they all are.
- Is something up?
No, they're just talking about...
A directive came from one ofthe think-tanks
about how the press secretaries should
minute meetings with lobbyists and, erm...
- Right.
- So they're just talking about how fucked I am.
Oh, the report?
Yeah. It's like Monkton
sat in front ofthe word processor
and let the righteous anger
ofthe independent judiciary flow out.
It's such a something and nothing issue
to get crucified over.
- Isn't it?
- It's just a flat.
Precisely, just because I'm not some
brushed aluminium cyberprick like, er...
- Like, er...
- Like Olly.
Yeah. ut, anyway,
- I've missed my ideal resigning point.
- Yes.
With every day I delay,
it's another year before I can get back again.
- Mm.
- IfI had resigned the day I was appointed,
I'd actually be prime minister by now.
The line is that we don't throw a good man out
to the wolves over one single little fuck-up.
- So Hugh's staying?
- Yeah.
- We tell the wolves to fuck off.
- Not exactly.
- They need a blood sacrifice.
- Indeed they do, they want a head on a plate.
We've got to give them head,
is that what you're saying?
You're clever aren't you? Very, very clever.
How much does your head weigh?
I don't know. Eight pounds?
Maybe more.
- Mm.
- It's not my head. I've only got halfa head.
I'm a half-head.
- One ofyou's got to decide.
- Jesus Christ.
Which ofyou will do the decent thing?
We've been through this.
Apparently I'm Ronald fucking McDonald.
Hang on, why are you not included in this?
Why is it one ofus two?
IfI've got to resign, then you've got to resign.
- ''IfI've got to resign...''
- I answer to you on matters ofpolicy.
In which case, he's got to go,
because I answer to him.
- So we've all got to go now, eh?
- Well, I am going nowhere.
I didn't do anything, I did nothing.
- I am as clean as a whistle.
- Oh, Terri, grow up.
Don't give me that pile offucking bollocks.
Just because you're a civil servant,
don't think your shit doesn't smell.
- I know things about you.
- What?
- What do you know?
- Yeah, we know things.
- Oh, knob off. You know bugger all.
- (Terri) What?
All you know is how to suck up
to the new kid on the block.
- (Camply) ''Oooh, what a lovely backhand.''
- "uck off.
- ''Oooh, my stroke is so hard.''
- You're so fucking repressed!
- I was just playing squash.
- Glenn, what do you know?
- What do you think you know?
- I know.
- What is it?
- I'm going to go and see Tucker.
- I'm going to resign.
- You don't need to.
- Yeah, I know.
- Then don't, Hugh.
No, I've been thinking,
it will be very, very good.
The report isn't out for three days
and, er...I can leave before it with dignity.
I'll be seen as an honourable man.
I'll be in government in two years
with a clean slate and a fresh tie.
And I'll be shot ofthis fucking department.
It takes four days to get a memo through.
Social Affairs. What the fuck
does that actually mean? It's so vague.
You know, ''Hello, I'm Hugh Abbot,
the Minister for, I don't know, stuff.''
Look at these civil servants here. You wouldn't
get these dweebs at the "oreign Office.
This place is packed to the gills with dreck....
No offence.
Well, I accept it.
On behalfofthe PM, I accept your resignation.
As you've worked out, it's probably for the best.
- Can I help?
- Just going to see Mr Tucker.
- He has someone with him.
- It won't take long, it's quite urgent.
- I'm sorry, you'll have to wait.
- Right.
- (Sighs)
- Can I get you a biscuit?
No, thank you.
You won't regret this, Dan.
Trust me, you won't.
- Yeah, let's hope not.
- (Laughs)
- Hey, you must be gutted.
- Yeah. Yeah.
- Hi.
- Dan.
- Oh, you're seeing Malcolm, are you?
- Yep.
- Thank you.
- Thank you, Susan. That was fine.
Malcolm, I've made a decision.
Do you know, what I said about memos
in the department,
I mean, that's sortable, we can just sort it,
you know, it's just an admin thing...
- Don't worry, we understand.
- (Glenn) No one's...
- Lovely new memo on urban renewal.
- Oh, good.
You see, here's a memo
and it's only taken me a day to get...
to get to me, so things are looking up already.
Dan really did himself
some favours there, you know.
Would you like to hear what our leader thinks?
This is the PM's reply to his resignation letter.
''You are a dazzlingly bright, talented,
committed and honourable new force
in ritish politics.
''I am immensely sorry to lose you,
''but I predict you will one day
find yourselfin very high office indeed.''
Well that's just easy, though.
Resigning's just...that's cheap and lazy.
(Glenn) Yeah.
(Terri) He's a little shit anyway, Dan Miller.
- (Olly) I never liked him.
- I never liked him, I never ever liked him.
(Olly) It's really late, let's...
- Come on, Glenn, time to go home.
- (Glenn) Coming.
(Hugh) I thought Dan was good.
(Olly) See you.
(Terri) Night.
(Glenn) Good night, Hugh.
(Hugh) Oh, God.
(Sighs)
Actually, can I stay on your sofa tonight?
- Yep.
- Thanks.