The Sylvester & Tweety Mysteries (1995–2001): Season 1, Episode 9 - The Maltese Canary - full transcript

This is the city. San Francisco.

Home of Chinatown, trolley
cars and me, Sam Spade.

Famous film noir detective
and notary public.

I'm honing my skills for the Venezuelan

tiddlywinks competition.

Lucky for me, it's a slow week here.

'Sam, I've gotta see you right away.
It's urgent.'

'Spade, we're coming for you.'

'Mr. Spade, I have an offer for
you that you can't refuse.'

Ahh, they can wait.

'Um, Sam Spade?'



'I understand you need
a temp detective'

'while you're at that
tiddlywinks contest.'

'Well, I'm your man.
Uh, woman, Granny.'

Granny?

♪ Sylvester and Tweety

San Francisco, the place
Tony Bennett left his heart.

I got a hankering for a
little canary heart myself.

I knew we should have
sprung for business class.

Whee!

Ha, ha!

Honestly, boys, you shouldn't
shed on people's bags.

'Really, now. I know
all about film noir'

but this is overdoing it.

And I thought notary publics were neat.



Well, if I'm gonna cover Sam's
cases, I'd better straighten up.

Oh, boy, dinner is dangling.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Bad kitty. Now you go down
there and bring back Tweety.

Over the lips and past the gums.

Look out stomach, here it comes.

Phew! Talk about deus ex machina.

Sam, my darling, you must help me.

I-I believe you've mistaken
me for someone else.

Oops. Sorry. I'm Miss, uh, Smith..

...a chance acquaintance of Mr. Spade.

Oh, I'm Granny.

I'm filling in for Sam
while he's out of town.

Can I help?

The reason I'm here is I've lost

a most valuable, uh, knickknack.

That's it. Where did
you find that bird?

Why, that's Tweety.

- I've had him for years.
- Oh?

He looks surprisingly similar
to the one I've, uh, misplaced.

- Where is he?
- Well, actually..

I've recently, uh,
misplaced him myself.

I see.

Exact change, please.

Joel Ferrett. What are you doing here?

Not that I ever saw you
before in my life.

May I help you, Mr. Ferrett?

I'm looking for Mr. Spade.

I've, uh, misplaced a
rather valuable.. Huh!

That's it, the Maltese canary.

Wow! For a temp, you're
really on the case.

The Maltese canary?

And now a San Francisco Tweet.

Ooh, I hate gravity.

Here's the deal, Granny.

You find my bird, we split the reward.

I thought we were splitting
the canary cash.

Sit down, Miss Jones.

Miss Jones? You told me
your name was Smith.

Well, actually, I'm a hyphenate.

My name is Jingleheimer-Schmidt.

Sylvester, any luck finding Tweety?

- Tweety.
- The bird.

- Get your paws off my bird.
- It flies.

Do you have any idea how much
the Maltese canary is worth?

Neither do I, But it's at
least a kazillion dollars.

'I tell you what, I'll go halfsies.'

Hold it. You promised me halfsies.

Hey, there's enough for everyone.

'That bird is worthless.'

'It's the jewels underneath
that ugly yellow pain'

'that I'm after. All I
have to do is scrape.'

[all gasp]

Did somebody say..

"Scrape?"

- The Dough Guy.
- The Dough Guy?

- He-he-he-he.
- It's the Dough Guy.

You can call me Mr. Greenstreak.

And I believe this bird is mine, ha.

Kindly unhand that canary, sir.

Hey, watch the feathers.

Ow!

Got it.

Huh?

Thud

Huh?

I am stuck.

- Follow that bird.
- I saw him fly in here.

He's in here someplace. Wait a second.

- I meant to say here or w...
- Check over here.

Wait a second. I'm in charge here.

If anyone can find
Tweety, you can, kitty.

I'll stall these clowns
till you get back.

My dear lady, don't open that window.
The bird might get out.

Oh! When a cat's got to
go, a cat's got to go.

Anyone care for some tea?

I can't see a thing in
this ponderous pea-soup'

'p-p-precipitation.'

'Tonight's dessert is canary custard.'

Ooh, look. Ghirardelli Square.

Ooh, look. The Transamerica tower.

Fisherman's Wharf.

Aha!

Oh, look, family. Here's a local.
Take our picture, mister.

Cheese.

Don't worry, pussies
always land on their feet.

Usually.

No cats allowed on Alcatraz.

That Charles de Gaulle
was some party animal.

Huh?

I say, shouldn't someone be
out looking for the canary?

Not yet.

You haven't seen my Jersey shore slides

of Boutros Boutros-Ghali.

Oof! I'm getting too old for this.

Give me a P. Give me a U.
Give me a D-D-Y.

Well, now, how about
a little Pearl Jam?

Stop it. Stop it.

Let me out of here.

We can't get out.

The fat guy's blocking the door.

That's Dough Guy, Miss
Whatever-Your-Name-Is.

And have you considered using
the fire escape? Heh, heh.

'Let me try the jaws of dough.'

What?

Hm. "Paloma." That means pigeon.

Surely a fellow feathered friend
would offer refuge to a brother.

Ahh, ahh.. Ach.. Tweety!

I got you now, you insidious,
sniveling s-songbird.

I suppose you find my tail
amusing, huh, pussycat?

Your tail? Whoops. Heh, heh.

You see, I was looking for a canary.

What are you, the exterminator?

I can't have canaries in a fog factory.
They gum up the works.

Tourists need fog. They expect it.

Hey, you listenin'?

Huh?

Oh, now look what you done.

Hmm? Ah!

Ha! Yes!

Now what? I never got this far before.

Lose my job for me, will you?

No. No.

Oh, come now.

If you don't lose that spare tire

we'll have to make another door.

Goodness, Sylvester.
What took you so long?

Give me the bird.

He's got the bird.

Crash

- It's mine.
- Give it to me.

'Unwrap it, for heaven's sake.'

Don't worry, Tweety. You're safe here.

I'd like a second opinion.

Will someone please tell
me why you're so anxious

to get my bird?

Ahh, the legend of the Maltese canary.

I'd read it verbatim but
my set of encyclopedias

is in my back pocket and my
hands are in the front room.

Something tells me we're not reading

"The Bridges of Madison County."

1539, Lord Viscera, the knight

presented the king of Malta
with a jeweled canary

to replace the live one
his cat, uh, misplaced.

The bird remained in
Malta until the 1800s

when the castle's treasure
got stolen by pirates.

Argh.. Yee-ow!

The bird was, uh, misplaced.

Except for a few
undocumented garage sales

it was not seen again
until the early '50s.

And now it's time to
play You Bet Your Bird.

Say the secret word and you win.

And today's secret word is..

Ha!

Concussion.

The show was canceled
shortly thereafter

and the bird never seen
again, heh, heh, until now.

I-I-I've devoted my life
to finding that bird.

And eating. Heh, heh.

I heard that.

What makes you think
it's the same bird?

Because there is only
one Maltese canary

heh, heh, and it's mine.

- It's mine.
- I found it first.

- No, you didn't.
- I did so too.

- Annoying little man.
- It's mine, it's mine.

'You're stepping on me.'

I just remembered my
orthodontist's appointment.

- 'The canary!'
- 'It's getting away.'

- Somebody stop it.
- Stop it.

Only one Maltese canary you say?

And they're having a sale.

It's here. I know it is.

There they are, officers.

I'm innocent, I say.
Get your hands off me.

Let me go. I'm innocent, I tell you.

They may be criminals but you
gotta admire their taste in art.

Sorry to startle you, sweetheart

but this is the only way in.

There's a fat guy blocking the door.

- That's Dough Guy.
- H-he was just leaving.

- How was the championship?
- Beautiful, sweetheart.

- I won again.
- 'Isn't that lovely!'

Okay, officers, let her rip.

This is the stuff dreams are made of.

That bird is out there somewhere

and I'm going to find it
if it's the last thing I..

Hey, isn't that..

Suffering cellulite. He was a big..

Somebody had to take
the fall, tweetheart.