The State (1993–2009): Season 3, Episode 6 - Episode #3.6 - full transcript

Oh, d-dropped the
soap. I'll get it. I'll get it.

You'd better not be going
down there to look at our asses.

What? Of course I'm not!

Kevin. Kev.

Hi. I didn't really
drop the soap.

I've got it right here,

but I just came down to say hi

and that we're all getting
cleaned up for the show.

I'm not here to
look at their asses.

I work with these people
every day, you know.

I don't need to see their asses.



But I mean, it is a
little bit tempting.

M-maybe just once.

Okay, okay, okay.

Anyway, I was...

Did you find the soap?

Wh... not yet!

I've got it right here.

Anyway, I just wanted
to say enjoy the...

♪ Boys and girls. ♪

♪ Action! Action! ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Boys and girls. ♪

♪ Action! Action!
Action! Action! ♪

♪ ♪



♪ Na, na-na, na-ah, mm. ♪

♪ Na, na-na, na-ah, mm. ♪

♪ Na, na-na, na-ah, mm. ♪

♪ Na, na-na, na-ah, mm. ♪

♪ Na, na-na, na-ah, mm. ♪

♪ ♪

Aw, yeah.

I'm Levon.

And I'm Barry. Nanoo, nanoo.

And we've just entered...

The fourth planet
in the funky system...

Planet Groovy, aw, yeah.

This is one small
step for man...

One giant groove...

For all the foxy
people, aw, yeah.

The music has ceased, Levon.

I'm starvin' for the Marvin.

I need the Gaye in a bad way.

Barry, our groove support
systems have become...

Defunct.

Aw, no.

Oh, no.

Oh, God.

Barry, we have totally lost...

Our groove.

Ooh, this suit is itchy.

We look like a couple of
first-class nincompoops.

I just want to go home,

put on some dungarees
and a sweatshirt.

You mean your
lazy clothes. Yeah.

You want to go
antiquing this weekend?

We could drive up to
the vineyard. I'd love to.

We could get on 95
north. It's a straight shot...

Oh, no, no, no, they're
putting an HOV lane on 95.

You know, it's a
mess. Oh, that's terrific.

Well, you know who's
paying for that, don't you?

John Q. Taxpayer.
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

No!

Must fight.

Must get groovy.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Barry, call for help.

Emergency. Everything is uncool.

Send the mother ship.

♪ ♪

Now, Barry,

you must rub your
tush in that pudding.

That is the stupidest
thing I've ever heard.

Just do it, buddy.

Okay, but the cleaning
bill's going to you.

Ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha-ha.
Oh, you're bad. You are...

Barry, Levon.

Yes, Mother Ship?

Shut up and put your
asses in that puddin'.

Okay.

Ooh. Oh.

Ugh. Ah.

Awwwww,

yeah.

Barry, baby, we back,

with a knick-knack,
Cadillac, give this dog a bone.

Over and outta sight.

♪ ♪

Aw, yeah.

Kevin, have you still
not found the soap yet?

Not yet.

I hope you enjoyed
Barry and Levon.

I was Barry. No, you weren't.

No, I wasn't,

but I do have a big
role in this next sketch,

so if you think of
it, check out my ass.

All around this whole area...

In case of animals or something.

We roped it off in
case of animals...

Who are you people?

What are you doing?

We're camping.

In the middle of my living room?

No, I think we
should be over here,

closer to the freshwater supply.

Give me that!

Yeah, we got a week's
vacation; we figured we'd rough it,

you know, get away from it all.

Hey, great, these kind of
mushrooms aren't poisonous.

Look, you can't stay here!

Yes, we can. We have a permit.

Hey, but it'll only be a week.
We'll try not to get in the way.

Don't move.

Hey, what does that
one look like to you?

I don't know; it
looks like a cloud.

No, use your imagination.
It's a naked man.

He's got flowers over
his crotch... Where?

Here, look where I'm pointing.

You see?

Did you ever think that, like,

the stars that we're seeing

actually, like, blew up
millions of years ago?

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes,
yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

I got him! I got him!

I got him!

Oh, there's one of the locals.

Pfft.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God, don't let me go!

Oh, my God.

Ooh.

I have a very Eastern
concept of what God is.

Do you mean like Connecticut?

Yeah.

We're either gonna
have to get this fire lit

or turn down the
air-conditioning.

We're lost. We're not lost!

We just have to
keep going north.

We've passed this
couch three times already.

♪ Gonna make banana
fritters for the Lord. ♪

♪ Gonna make banana
fritters for the Lord. ♪

♪ Gonna make banana fritters, ♪

♪ 'cause I heard
Lord Jesus likes 'em. ♪

♪ Gonna make banana
fritters for the Lord. ♪

Excuse me.

Thanks.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I've never been in love.

I was in love once
with my cousin.

That's really weird.
Yeah, she's dead.

That's cool.

When we found the aluminum foil

in that old abandoned microwave?

I thought we were goners.

Well, vacation's over.

Did you have a nice time?

You bet. I feel like a new man.

So what are you
doing, taking souvenirs?

No, better news:
we quit our jobs,

and we're building a cabin.

We got a permit.

Is this the nature commune?

Yeah, come on in and
say good-bye to society!

All right. Could
you shut the door?

You're lettin' all
the heat out, man.

♪ Gonna boil up a
hot dog for the Lord. ♪

♪ Gonna boil up a hot dog, ♪

♪ 'cause I heard
Lord Jesus likes 'em. ♪

♪ Gonna boil up a
hot dog for the Lord. ♪

For the Lord!

♪ Gonna order up some
moo shu for the Lord. ♪

Afraid to walk
the streets alone?

I'm not. I'm Barney McMacken.

And at the McMacken
School of Self Defense,

I'll teach you how
to handle the streets

the way that tells crooks,

"You don't even want
to come near me."

You'll learn all my
special methods,

like the volatile
caveman technique.

Also, the Joan Baez fan routine.

Kumbaya, my Lord. ♪

♪ Kumbaya! ♪

So don't delay.

Classes also start this month

for the old "Where did all
these leeches come from?" spiel.

Leeches!

Ah!

So sign up

with the McMacken
School of Self Defense today

and learn to out-scare
the scaries away.

Hold your horses.

Hold your horses.

Hi.

Sorry to bother you so late.

Our car broke down
a mile up the road.

We saw your lighthouse;
we were wondering

if we could use your phone.

You boys got caught
in the nor'easter.

I'm old Lighthouse Jeffers,

always willing to
help a friend in need.

Make yourself comfortable.
Phone's over there.

Thanks.

Whew.

Well, where you
boys comin' from?

New York.

Albany?

Uh, no, New York City.

Oh, sure, sure, New York City.

Got a lot of S&M bars
down there, don't they?

S-sorry?

S&M bars, you know,
sadomasochism?

Got a lot of them bars
down there, don't they?

Yeah, I... I guess they do.

I reckon a fella can't
swing a dead cat

without hittin' a
sadomasochism bar down there.

Hmm. Hmm.

It's gonna be a while, guys.

The tow truck's on another job.

I was just talking
to your friends here

about sadomasochism.

Really? Yep.

Yep, I reckon a fella
could take a train

down to New York City,

find himself half a dozen clubs

that cater to the S&M crowd

where he could
get a good spanking

from a dominatrix.

Maybe a scrotal clamping.

Eh?

Hmm.

Is there, like, a
hotel we could go to?

Oh, it's 30 miles to
town. You'd never make it.

That's how they got
old Festus Wilkins.

W-who got who?

Festus Wilkins,
they got him good.

Hmm.

Hmm.

Hmm.

Anyway, do you have to be a
member for them S&M clubs?

I suppose you boys are
all probably members.

Well, we usually go to
sports bar type places.

S&M sports?

No, like, bars where they
show, like, football on TV.

Well, takes all kinds, I guess.

Would you boys like to
see something unusual?

We should probably
wait by the car

in case someone shows up.

We don't want to
trouble you any more.

All right.

Well, suit yourself.

If you need anything,

you know where I am.

Can't miss me. I'm
in the lighthouse!

Get it?

You're the guy
in the lighthouse.

Well, listen, thanks
for all your help.

Good night, now.
Good night, boys.

Have fun at the sports bars.

Well, takes all kinds, I
guess. Takes all kinds.

You fellas call for a tow?

Yeah, uh-huh. Oh, thank God.

Sorry it took me so long.

I know you were
stranded up there

at old Lighthouse Jeffers'.

His bulb ain't
burni" too bright.

You know what I mean, eh?

I mean he's crazy.

But takes all kinds.

Takes all kinds, yep.

Hmm.

Hmm.

Hmm.

Hi, we're The State.

You know, we've been on
the air for over a year now,

and we realize that many of you

still don't really
know who we are,

so I thought, tonight,

we could all come
out and say our names

and then, to make
it more interesting,

a little something
personal about ourselves.

I'll start.

I'm Michael Ian Black,

but my real name's
Michael Schwartz,

which I changed because
I'm ashamed of being Jewish.

You see how that
works? Okay, Ken.

Hi, I'm Ken Marino.

And now say something
personal about yourself.

No.

Okay.

Ken's feeling a little shy about
saying something personal,

and I don't want to push him,
because you'll hit me, right?

Yeah. Okay.

Anybody want to
go? I'll go. I'll go.

I'm Joe Lo Truglio,
founder of jeet kune do,

way of the fist,

and I fled to this
country from Hong Kong

after killing a man.

Now, see?

That's personal.

Of course, that's
not your story.

It's Bruce Lee's story.

Tom, you've got a lot
of problems to talk about.

For example, you are on...

Speed.

Oh, I was gonna say probation.

Whatever, whatever. Whatever.

Ben, would you like to go? Nope.

Okay, well, just to
keep things moving,

I'll say one more personal
thing about myself.

Oftentimes during sex, I
cannot maintain an erection.

That's true.

Kerri, would you like to go?

I don't have
anything to talk about.

Well, you could talk about

how they took away your
baby when you were in rehab.

You mean our baby, Michael?

That's personal...

and something of a surprise.

Well, that's... that's about
enough for tonight, I think.

I think we've all learned
a great deal tonight

about... me.

And so...

They don't know
about your crabs.

Have we talked about
your hairpiece yet?

Or about how you stole
Captain Monterey Jack

from The Carol Burnett Show?

Why don't you want to
see our baby, Michael?

He looks a lot like you.

Enjoy the show!

He ran over a kid once
when he was drunk too!

He's got webbed feet.

Tell 'em about your
glass eye, Mike!

Teddy, what are
we doing over here?

Shh! Keep it down. I
don't want anyone to know.

Wh... know what?

Whoa.

Where'd you get those?

From my dad's bedroom.

Here, try one.

As you may know,
this type of scene

is not uncommon
to today's youth.

At this very moment,

children are pressuring
each other to try cigarettes,

alcohol, and drugs.

For many of these children,
this will be just the beginning

of a possible life of
crime or addiction.

Or worse, it could
eventually lead to death.

And much too often, it does.

It's really bad.

Really bad!

How was I? Nice work, everybody.

I thought you were great.

Hey! Hey!

There's a kid down
on South Street

trying to get his
friend drunk on booze.

I'm there. How's my tie look?

What about something like, uh,

these kids who
drink the booze...

So, guys, come on in.

Can I get you some coffee?

Sure. Yes, please.

So this is the new
place. What do you think?

Ah!

Oh, my God, what
a beautiful rug!

Oh, yeah.

We found it at an estate
sale. It's nice, isn't it?

Nice? It's incredible!

How dare you refer
to a rug like this

as just "nice"?

It's the most fabulous
rug I've ever seen!

You say you found the
rug at an estate sale.

Tell us everything about
it, about the whole day!

Well, we were just
out in the Hamptons...

Ah!

Enough of this malarkey!

Tell us about the rug!

Where were you
when you first beheld it?

Were you blinded?

Did its glory blind you?

Ah!

Coffee's ready.

Protect the rug!

You'll spill it on the rug!

I'm going to make love
to this floor covering

right here and right now!

I'm gonna write an opera for it!

Chip, lights off!

Then I couldn't see the
rug, you romantic fool.

Oh, baby. Oh, baby.
You're a nasty Persian, baby.

♪ I love the rug. ♪

Okay, you two, but
before you leave,

you have to see the
samovar we purchased

for the dining room last week.

Oh, my God, it's so tasteful!

It's a complement to any home!

And you thought they
wouldn't like the rug.

Ah!

Okay, here's the deal:
MTV asked us specifically

to please not do this
skit, but we really like it.

We think it'll be ten
times more popular

than the guy who
says, "I'm outta here."

So now, for your
viewing enjoyment,

a little something
we like to call

Porcupine Racetrack.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Porcupine, porcupine,
porcupine racetrack. ♪

♪ Porcupine, porcupine,
porcupine racetrack. ♪

♪ Porcupine, porcupine,
porcupine racetrack. ♪

♪ Watch them porcupines go. ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Go, you porcupines.
Go. Go. Go. ♪

♪ Go, you porcupines.
Don't be slow. ♪

♪ Go, you porcupines.
Go. Go. Go. ♪

♪ Or I'll lose lots of dough. ♪

♪ ♪

♪ It's a marvelous day ♪

♪ at the porcupine racetrack. ♪

♪ We'll watch them
little porkies run. ♪

♪ The sun, the track,
and porcupines... ♪

♪ A recipe for fun. ♪

Racing form, Mr. Johnson?

Why, thank you, Jimmy. Here.

Get yourself a licorice whip.

♪ ♪

♪ Have I got a
pick for you, boys. ♪

♪ This porcupine has to win. ♪

♪ He's strong and
fast and ready. ♪

♪ And loaded up with gin. ♪

♪ I'm puttin' my
dough on Lightning, ♪

♪ 'cause it says that
he's a sure thing. ♪

♪ And the odds
are five to four. ♪

♪ But, boy, I hope
that he's not slow, ♪

♪ or otherwise
then this here joe ♪

♪ will be back on skid row. ♪

♪ ♪

♪ I know that I'm a sinner, ♪

♪ but I really need a winner, ♪

♪ or the orphanage will close. ♪

♪ So, God, if you're above ♪

♪ and it's orphans
that you love, ♪

♪ then please help
the porcupine I chose. ♪

♪ I'm the slowest
porcupine in town, ♪

♪ but knowing that
don't get me down. ♪

♪ It's just that
they don't see. ♪

♪ So when they
blow that whistle, ♪

♪ I will move my
little bristles, ♪

♪ 'cause there's
nothin' stoppin' me. ♪

♪ At the porcupine, ♪

♪ porcupine ♪

♪ racetrack, ♪

♪ racetrack. ♪

♪ Ah-ah-ah. ♪