The State (1993–2009): Season 3, Episode 5 - Episode #3.5 - full transcript

Oh, uh, hi.

Look, there's nothing
particularly funny going on

here at the old police precinct,

at least nothing funny
enough to start a show with.

Um... anything funny come in?

No, not really.

Oh, yeah, there's a kitten
stuck in a tree on 72nd Street.

Yeah, well, that's more
cute than it is funny.

Uh... oh, I got an idea.

Okay, since we're
on a comedy show,

let's pretend something
funny happens right... now.



♪ Boys and girls. ♪

♪ Action! Action! ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Boys and girls. ♪

♪ Action! Action!
Action! Action! ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Na, na-na, na-ah, mm. ♪

♪ Na, na-na, na-ah, mm. ♪

♪ Na, na-na, na-ah, mm. ♪

♪ Na, na-na, na-ah, mm. ♪

♪ Na, na-na, na-ah, mm. ♪

Hey.

Are you looking at my ass?

What the hell?



Are you some kind
of fairy or something?

Yes, I was looking at your
ass, and I prefer to say gay,

which I am.

Didn't you know that?

Everybody knows I'm gay.

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm new here.

Nice to meet ya. You too.

You're very handsome.

Thanks.

Oh, great, now I'm blushing.

Whew!

Yeah.

Yeah!

Hey, Dan.

Did you have fun at
the gay bars last night?

Yeah, I had a great time.

In fact, I met a very
attractive man there

and had sex with him.

Hey!

All right, way to go,

Dan the gay man.

Dan, get your openly
gay ass over here.

He's like a homosexual Fonzie.

Hi, Coach.

My wife was gonna
throw these out.

I figured you might want 'em.

Oh, that's very
sweet of you, Coach,

but I'm not a transvestite.

I'm just gay.

So let me get this straight.

You just prefer
having sex with men?

You got it, Coach.

Right on.

I'll catch you later, Dan.

Dan,

I'm not gay, but I was wondering

if you'd go to the prom with me.

Oh, I'm sorry.

It's not that I'm
not attracted to you,

because I am, a lot.

I'm nuts about men.

But I already have a date.

Ooh, who you going
to the prom with, Dan?

Yeah, Dan.

Here he comes now.

Yeah!

Vice Principal Morgan?

He's a hunkosaurus Rex.

Kelly, spit that
gum out right now.

Hi.

Hi.

Aww.

Until tonight, Dan.

I got to go to the bathroom.

I'll be right back.

All right, all right.

And now it's time to announce
the prom king and queen.

Ah, it's no big surprise.

You all know him.

He's very popular

and openly gay: Dan

and his lover, Vice
Principal Morgan.

That's right. That's
absolutely right.

Has anyone seen Dan?

Anybody know where Dan is?

We know he's not in the closet.

Oh, my goodness.

I'm not gonna lie to you.

I'm through with lies.

I don't like having
sex with men.

I told you I was gay

because I thought it
would make me popular,

and it did.

And I just can't
say how sorry I am.

You just got yourself

a week's worth of
detention, mister.

Spit that gum out.

No wonder he didn't
want the dresses.

Does that mean you
don't like my ass?

No, you've got a great ass.

We all have great asses,

each in our own way.

And if there's one
thing I've learned,

it's that we should appreciate
each other for what we are.

Now, if you'll excuse
me, I've got a girl to kiss.

Boo!

Go get married!

Hi, I'm Kerri.

As the only female
member of The State,

I receive lots of
letters asking me,

"What's it like being in
a group with ten guys?

"As a woman, do you
have as much creative input

as the men?"

Yes, I do.

The State is an ensemble,

and there are no distinctions
between men and women.

To show you what I mean,
I thought I would take you

through my typical
day here at The State.

Enjoy.

My day starts early: 4:30.

Eek!

But it gives me just enough
time to do my hair and nails.

Perfect.

After that, I go to each
State member's home,

where I wake him up

and cook him a
healthy breakfast.

Writing jokes takes
a lot of energy,

and my hungry boys
need their protein.

Ken usually drives me to work,
because as you can imagine,

I'm a terrible driver.

Once we get to the office,

it's time to start
writing jokes.

Well, I leave that to the guys.

My morning is spent on the phone

gabbing to my girlfriends
about my period.

Then it's lunchtime.

Yum.

A small salad, and
then I hit the shops.

Tabitha Soren and I usually
meet at our favorite shoe shop.

Shoes are my weakness.
That's what Tabby says.

Whoops, I'm needed on the set.

They need me to pick
out their costumes.

And today I get
to act in a skit.

I'm playing Joe's
girlfriend, and we get to kiss.

Tomorrow I'm playing a hooker.

I love the challenging
roles the guys write for me.

After a hot day
under the lights,

it's time to turn in,

so I tuck the guys
into their beds

and head home to unwind.

Tonight I rented
Sleepless in Seattle.

I always cry at Sleepless.

Then it's bedtime,
and, boy, am I pooped.

So I turn off the lights

and get ready to do
it all again tomorrow.

Good night.

So as you can see, in
The State, I'm not "the girl."

I'm just Kerri.

Kerri, I can't zip this.

Oh, okay, sweetheart,
I'll be right there.

I love you, Kerri.

I love you too, honey.

A woman's work is never done.

Enjoy the show.

I knew a ride share
across country

might come with some surprises.

The biggest one
was named George.

Want to know something?

The second I saw you,
I couldn't help but think,

"Now, there's the kind of
girl I'd call a real lemon."

Let's go.

It was at that moment
I first felt truly alive.

Wait.

Wait!

You know, they ought to make
a stained-glass portrait of me

with a halo for driving
you cross-country.

I mean, I knew I was
bringing the dishes on this trip.

I didn't know about the garbage.

At first, I had big misgivings.

I wasn't going to fall
sucker to another Don Juan.

You know, you're pretty lousy.

Give me the fits.

See?

See, fits.

Eww.

He was really warming up.

He was getting to know me
more and more intimately.

Now, is that your family

or some sort of
escape-from-the-kennel shot?

Because I swear,

they are the most canine
bunch of lookin' mother...

I don't even want
to talk about it.

Oh.

Forgot I was with you.

Forgot I was with you.

Oh, you baked for the trip, huh?

That's terrific.

I mean, I'd rather eat
the tail end off a skunk.

You know, a little
stanky skunky?

The trip was nearing an
end, and I couldn't bear it.

My Romeo, my Romeo.

I don't like you so much.

For one, you're stinky,

and for two, you
don't smell so nice.

Yeah, I'm with you, pal.

I'm with you.

Hey, I want to make a toast.

Here's to you.

Inevitably, our wonderful
trip had to come to an end,

and fate took its
natural course.

Say, want to hear my
impression of a walrus?

The walrus is you.

Not a very funny day here
at the old police precinct.

We're in one of our moods.

Maybe you should
just move along.

Move along. Nothin' to see here.

Go to something else.

All right, Polar Bears,

all right,

here's to another subzero swim.

Membership is up 20% this year.

Congress is made
up of the Senate

and the House of
Representatives.

Hey, put Charlie
next to the fire.

Warm him up a bit.

You can put Charlie next
to the fire all you want,

but it's not gonna get
his heart pumping again.

He's dead.

Sure, sure, but I was thinking,

we all got pretty hungry
swimming around out there,

and Virgil forgot
to call the caterers

for our usual hot buffet.

I was going to,

but my phone melted
when I was welding.

Hey.

Well, I was thinking,
if nobody minded,

we could heat up Charlie
and make our own buffet.

What do you say?

Yahoo!

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Are you suggesting
that we eat Charlie

because Virgil forgot
to call the caterers?

No, we're suggesting
we eat Charlie

because we're hungry.

Stan was blaming Virgil.

I was welding, I tell you,

welding my phone.

Yahoo!

Yippee, eee...

Polar Bears in favor
of eating Charlie?

Aye.

Hold on a second.
What about his family?

We're not that hungry.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Pete Rose.

Hey.

Pete rose, what?

Let's eat.

Okay.

Stop.

I will not let you desecrate

the body of our
good friend Charlie.

Yeah.

I agree with him,
but I don't know why.

All right, Polar
Bears, I have an idea.

Instead of eating Charlie,
let's give him a proper burial.

Whoo-hoo.

At sea.

Whoo-hoo.

And then let's wash my car.

Boo.

Pete Rose.

Are you butt-ugly
with nasty-ass taste?

Do you like pancakes?

Then come on down

to Betty's No Good Clothes
Store & Pancake House.

Heinous dresses
for big fat hoggies.

Cheap, tacky, ill-fitting
suits that were never in style.

Sticky tight clothes
for old people.

And pancakes, mmm.

And while you're here,
why don't you check out

our grubby, snotty
little kid's department,

where you'll find awful,
itchy kid's polyester jumpsuits

that'll get the crap
knocked out of 'em at school

and pancakes.

So put a bag on your head
and hop on the ugly bus

to Betty's No Good Clothes
Store & Pancake House.

Terrible, terrible
clothes and pancakes.

Betty's No Good Clothes
Shop & Pancake House!

Hi.

You caught us on
a pretty funny day

here at the police precinct.

I think some antics
are gonna ensue.

Just watch.

And last on this
morning's agenda,

the cleaning staff has
asked that we not throw

our cigarette
butts in the urinals.

Oh, one more thing,
one more thing.

Uh, there is a new weapon
out on the streets, a ray gun.

If you are shot with this,
you will be killed instantly,

so let's be careful out there.

Whoa, whoa, Sarge,
can you expand on that?

Well, hey, look, guys,

I don't care where you
put your cigarette butts,

but the cleaning
ladies, they got to...

Sarge, the ray guns,

what happens if you
get shot with them?

Oh, that.

Well, if you get shot,

every molecule in your
body will become excited,

and you will be disintegrated.

Sarge, what do you
mean when you say

every molecule in my
body's gonna be excited?

Ahh.

Imagine a hot air
popcorn popper.

The unpopped kernels sit
in the bottom of the popper.

Hot air is applied, causing them

to move about
excitedly until they pop.

Sarge, my honey and I
still use a hot oil popper.

Does the metaphor still work?

Yes, the metaphor is the same.

How much oil should
I use in that scenario?

1/8 of an inch, in the
kind of pot you'd use

to make a stew in.

Sarge, I like stew.

I love stew.

What about goulash?

I like goulash.

That may be, but
you can't pop goulash.

Me?

Not you, Papa Goulash.

Now, does everybody understand
the popcorn/ray gun metaphor?

Yes.

Sarge, I think all
of my molecules

are getting excited.

Mine too, Sarge. Mine too.

Mine too.

Who feels like a cigarette?

Great.

To the urinals.

Papa Goulash,

a little morgue music.

Doug, we're not gonna arrest ya.

Shoplifting's okay.

Hey, everybody.

Due to illness, for the
next several seconds,

the part of Doug, usually
played by Michael Showalter,

will be played by Louie.

Hello.

Doug, it's your dad.

He wants to talk to you.

Whatever.

I am outta here.

You wanted to talk to me, Dad?

Yeah, Doug, come on in.

What's that thing in your nose?

It's a nose ring, Dad.

What are you gonna do,

cut off my nose
ring to spite my face?

I'm Doug.

Forget it. You don't understand.

I'm outta here.

Hey, cut me some slack, G.

I do understand,

and when you have a son,
then you'll understand too.

Why don't you think about
that for a minute, huh?

Hey, you guys want
to see my greenhouse?

Yeah. Let's go.

Me, a dad.

Me, a dad.

Me, a dad.

Hi, Dad.

Hi, Grandpa.

You wanted to talk to me?

Yeah, Dave, I do.

Where were you last night, Dave?

Under the bridge,

carving my name
in my girlfriend's arm.

It's called young love, warden.

You wouldn't understand.

Forget it. I'm takin' off.

I remember a shy
little boy named Doug

who said something very similar.

Hey, hey, Dave, it's okay.

Tattoos are cool.

Your mom and I did
the same thing, see?

Me and Grandma too.

Oh, just because
we all have tattoos,

now it's like Tango and Cash.

This buddy movie doesn't
have a happy ending, Dad.

And the special effects suck.

Forget it.

I'm takin' off.

Hey, whippersnapper,
not so fast.

You're Dave, and I'm
Doug, and I'm also your dad,

but I'm still Doug,

and I know it's
hard being a kid.

I'm Dave, Dad, not
Doug. Right, Dad's dad?

Let him go, Doug.

Dave's Dave.

Hey, I'm Doug, Dave's dad,

and I know how
to raise Dave, Dad.

Oh, here we go again,
Doug, Doug, Dave,

and I'm the goose every time.

Make the goose
clean the goose's room.

Goose, do this; goose, do that.

Hey, hey, you're not the goose.

The goose 'tis I.

'Tis Doug whose downy
feathers have 'ere been ruffled.

Forget it. I'm outta here.

No way, Dad, it's your house.

I'm outta here.

He's right, Doug. Dave
should be outta here.

Fine, go.

Oh, I get it.

Throw me to the wolves,

and I'll be an orphan
like Oliver Twist

but without the Twist.

Just Oliver.

You wouldn't understand.

I'm Oliver.

Hey, Dave, could you just
pick one exit line and stick to it?

He's right. It'll catch
on much faster.

I'm working on it.

Sheesh.

Come on, guys, let's go.

Dave, I think we're gonna
hang here with your dad, Doug,

and Doug's dad, Don, if you dig.

Whatever.

I'm making a beelii-iiine

for the doooooooo-ooo-oooor,

door.

You guys want to
crank-call Neil Young?

Yeah.

I'm outta here.

So did you think about it?

Yeah, and you're right.

Dads do understand.

See? I told you so.

Oh, I get it.

So I guess that means
you're always right

and I'm always wrong.

Dads are Dads, and
Dougs are Dougs,

and never the twain shall meet.

Forget it. I'm outta heeere.

Hey, son, how's Doug?

I don't know, Rumpelstiltskin.

How's Geezerville?

Forget it.

I'm splittiiiin'.

Jell-O shots, guys?

Yeah.

Hi, Kerri and I wrote a skit
called Froggie Jamboree,

and the rest of The
State didn't like it,

and they sort of got
sick of us asking to do it,

so we said, "Could we
do it under the credits?"

And they said, you know,

"Do whatever the
hell you want to do."

So without further
ado, the credits

and Froggie Jamboree.

♪ ♪

Vans are leaving.

All the vans are leaving.

Everybody, it's a wrap.

Let's go home, everybody.

Good-night, Papa Goulash.