The Sopranos (1999–2007): Season 5, Episode 1 - Two Tonys - full transcript
Some of the old guards are released from prison and want to get back in the action. Chris and Paulie are at each other's throats over matters of money and respect, and Tony decides to tell Dr. Melfi what's really on his mind.
AJ!
Jesus, Meadow, chill out!
Inevitably, Sukanya,
what goes in must comes out.
And these people now being released
from prison were jailed
during the big mafia
crackdowns of the 1980s?
Seems like yesterday, doesn't it?
For years we heard how law enforcement
broke the back of the mob.
Well, they've served their time.
"It's the old never-ending
battle against crime and corruption,"
- to quote Superman.
- What do you think is gonna happen
with this infusion of new blood?
We could be looking at a period
of potentially violent struggle.
- They gonna paint everythin' the worst.
- How long till dinner?
- Any familiar names? - In
New York, the only old-style boss
still in place is Carmine Lupertazzi.
He'll soon be rejoined by
Angelo Garepe, his former consigliere.
Also Philip Leotardo,
long-time Lupertazzi captain.
Can you help me here? Crush some ice?
- I'll be right there.
- New Jersey's a better case in point.
You've got Michele "Feech" La Manna,
released just this week,
a man greatly feared
- and respected in the '70s.
- Amen to that.
Similar situation with Anthony
Blundetto in that same
- Jersey crime family, the Sopranos.
- Oh!
- Let me see how he looks.
Still is as far as I know.
28 years old when he went away.
A rising star. Thought to
be the central suspect
in the car-bomb killing of Thomas
Gilardi and his driver.
That's the best picture
they could find? He was a fox.
Will you pipe down?
We're tryin' to watch.
It's my house, Tony.
- What are you watching?
- Go call your brother for dinner.
- Bobby!
- Be nice to have him back, huh?
- Your cousin?
- Missed the shit out of him.
The older you are, the more
you're entitled to eat.
Hi, sorry.
- Where the hell you been?
- Your mother didn't send anything?
She wasn't even home. Her and
Aunt Ro went out to dinner, I think.
Everybody sit!
Now please.
This is great of you, Aunt Jan,
keeping the Sunday dinner
tradition going.
Can you get the roast out of the oven?
- Canned clam chowder?
- Go sit, God damn it.
- Oh, shit.
- What?
My wedding ring.
- Goin' to strap on the bag, Ton'?
- Yeah.
Would you say this is an interesting
point in the history of the mafia?
I'd say we're looking at a great
year for crime reporters, Sukanya.
- Anthony!
- What?
I wanna say hello.
Wh... can you stop a minute?
- How was dinner?
- Fine.
- What'd you have?
- Roast beef.
Did your father pick up his
mail when he dropped you off?
No, he didn't come in. He was tired.
He said he just wanted to go to
bed. I'm trying to practice.
I see you didn't bring the power vac in
from the pool house like I asked.
Why does that even have to be done?
Grandpa's still gonna
have to lift it into his truck.
I don't want him to have to drag
it from all the way out back.
# It's so nice to have
a man around the house. #
You should've thought about that before.
What did you say?
Go out and get that vacuum, now!
What did I just say?! Go!
Mommy!
Oh my God. Mommy, help!
Mommy! Mom.
Mommy.
AJ, be quiet, don't move.
Mommy?
Mommy!
Go get Dad's gun!
It's all the way in the dining room!
Hey, go away! Go!
Hey! Get outta here!
Go!
How's the olive loaf?
You know what I like?
- I like the Gulden's Brown Mustard.
- Are you leaving?
Yeah, I got a overseas
call comin' at home.
Finish your sandwich, at least, first.
- Oh, yeah, yeah, no.
- Sheesh.
Could be the same one from Willow Drive.
God. The most densely
populated state in the country,
- and still this.
- Gone.
He went through your neighbor's
garbage, though, the Kalcheims?
It's been goin' on all over.
If my son had been alone...
You're not gonna put your trash cans out
until as close to pick-up
time as possible.
- You hear that?
- Put ammonia or bleach
in the container and on the lid. I
posted a notice for your neighbors.
If this had been a category two,
injury or serious property damage,
- we could set traps, but not for this.
- God.
You should've busted a cap
in his ass with Dad's rifle.
It's illegal to discharge firearms
within the borough limits.
- You're gonna call Dad, aren't you?
- No.
The great percentage
of them don't come back.
If he does... call us.
Oh, do you have bird feed back there?
Ah, duck food, yes, my husband's.
It's probably what attracted the animal.
See, the corn's gotten
damp and aromatic.
You might wanna tell
your husband to put it inside.
Right.
Setting up the equipment
is a complicated affair.
Video cameras with
built-in recorders...
- Then the car that he qualifi...
- Hello.
Mmm.
I'm Dr. Lowenstein.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa. Go back.
- What?
- Come on.
- You're kidding.
No, go back, please!
- Why don't you come in?
- I like Nolte.
- Why didn't you tell me last night?
- I'm sorry.
That's a long story, let's just skip it.
I'll try to think of a better one.
- What's bothering you?
- Global warming, acid rain,
the national debt? Never
even know what's goin' on.
Look at her nails, totally real.
- You weren't paying attention.
- Let's face it,
women are more devious than men.
One of my therapists was a woman.
Too bad you didn't get all
your talkin' done with her.
You expect a man to be
a tower of strength.
Then when it turns out he's got a few
weaknesses and some insecurities,
what do you do? You turn
around and you betray him!
So you feel that
your mother betrayed you?
Doggone, I hate this Freudian crap.
It's not your job to listen
to my problems anyway!
If you don't mind, I'd like to go.
- You're free to leave anytime you want.
- Good!
Goddamn shrink.
- Who was I kiddin'?
- What are you smiling at?
- I was a champion...
- Nothin', I don't know.
- You have this goofy look on your face.
- Come on.
Until Susan Lowenstein came along.
Her questions makin' me
as dizzy as her perfume.
- Jennifer Melfi?
- Yes?
So we open the fuckin' trunk,
this suffocatin'
Russian cocksucker pops up!
He's still alive!
We lead him through the snow.
This asshole's shiverin'...
he's wearin' fuckin' pajamas
and slippers in like 8? weather.
- Hey!
- Ho!
- Here he is.
- How you doin'?
- Fellas?
- The B?
- Hey, Ton'.
- Radio on the way in.
- Another incident at the airport.
- Fuckin' assholes.
I gotta make a couple calls.
Anyway, he starts runnin', the Russian.
Boom! I'm tellin' you the top of his
head came off like a fuckin' bad rug.
What a beating we had to give
this prick, ooh Madonn'.
- Where is he now?
- Who the fuck cares, right, Chrissie?
- Who the fuck knows?
- Poor bastard.
Never would've happened if Paulie
hadn't initially overreacted,
but it's one for the books.
What do you mean overreacted?
You choked him with the lamp,
Paulie, or we could've got
Silvio shcarole without havin'
to spend the night in the open.
You let him jab you with that shovel
was the problem. Lets his guard down.
We would've caught up to the prick
- if you didn't lose your fuckin' shoe!
- Wait, you lost your shoe?
You didn't tell us about that.
"Chrissie, please,
don't leave me out here."
You little cocksucker!
I covered your ass with Tony
about that whole thing,
and never a word of
fuckin' thanks, ever!
Always playin' that
blood-relation card.
- Tony's little favorite.
- Fuck you!
- What?
- Come on! Come on.
What the fuck?
That was a good story, damn it.
Tellin' you right now...
it's finished with us.
- Goodbye, Dr. Melfi.
- See you next week.
- Hello?
- Like the flowers?
And yeah, before you ask,
I am takin' the medication.
How are you, Anthony?
It's been a long time.
I'm great, actually. You?
Thank you for that
beautiful arrangement.
I see you haven't lost
your sense of humor.
You gotta have a sense
of humor in life, right?
- You taught me that.
- And how is life?
Good, good.
Well, I'm separated, me and Carmela.
- I'm sorry to hear that.
- Don't be,
Well, I always thought I saw
some good things there.
Two healthy kids, other than that...
look, the reason I called...
I'd like you to have dinner with me.
Since we're not in therapy no
more and I'm a bachelor again...
That's very thoughtful of you.
Unfortunately, because of
our prior clinical relationship,
- I just can't do it.
- What, eat?
- You must be a toothpick.
- You know what I mean.
See, I knew you were
gonna say somethin' like that.
I can't, Anthony, I'm sorry.
You know, I waited a respectable
period or whatever
- before makin' this call.
- Then you realize yourself
there's something not
quite right about us dating.
No, I'm not undeterred by this.
- We will talk again.
- Thank you for the flowers.
- And the detergent.
- And the detergent.
Of course, what's wrong with me?
I don't know, but we'll find out.
Leave it to Dr. Tony.
- What's the matter?
- The bear. Stay there!
Oh, right, lock the door.
What, do you think he's
gonna wipe his feet, too?
He'll smash through the glass.
Now where is that guy's card?
I don't know.
You've reached Fish and Game.
- If you know the extension...
- Unbelievable.
If not, press zero for directory.
Hello?!
For hunting and fishing
licenses, press two.
You get a letter from
my cousin in the can?
Yes, Officer Zmuida, hi. Yes, Mrs.
Soprano from North Caldwell?
- We had the bear in our yard.
- What the fuck?
- You're the guys with the pool?
- Yes, it came back.
- Was anybody hurt?
- No, thank God.
- Property damage?
- No property damage either I could see,
but I didn't really wanna go out there.
Oh, one of those Eastern black bears?
- We'll be up in about an hour.
- Yes, that'd be great,
- Okay, we'll be here.
- All right, see you then.
Jesus Christ, when did this happen?
The first time Sunday night,
and I saw it again just now.
AJ didn't even mention it to you
- when you two went to the game?
- No!
I have to warn the Cusamanos.
They keep Esterhaz
chained up along the side there.
That bear will rip him to pieces.
Cusamanos weren't home. Got the machine.
Well, I don't see Esterhaz.
Why didn't you call me
when this first happened?
I called the cops.
They called Fish and Game.
Are you tryin' to
prove you're independent?
This isn't "Little House on the
Prairie." Those things are dangerous.
The ranger, whatever, said it was your
duck food out there that attracted it.
I never heard of that happening before.
Trapper Joe over here.
Hmm.
We didn't find a spoor.
I was just tellin' the gentleman
the animal still doesn't meet
- the parameters for removal.
- Oh, Jeez.
So, when somebody's leg is gone...
Problem is it hasn't
really threatened anybody.
Sorry.
Whoa, whoa, hold on a minute.
You and your pal buy some new...
lanyards for your whistles.
Oh, we can't accept that.
And we don't have whistles.
Thanks, though.
Ranger Rick's a little light
in the timberlands, huh?
Everybody's always gay with you.
He's a good-looking guy, that's all.
I already put the ammonia on the cans,
I told you.
Look, I came here to
give you your money, but...
this bear thing, though, I'm... I'm...
I'm worried.
You and AJ here by yourselves.
What can we do? You want coffee?
Last time it had a weird taste.
The coffeemaker is shot.
The heating element
is corroded, I told you.
That's not the problem.
You don't need another one.
Last month, it was the
upstairs toilet. Basta.
He goes down the street
to Willow Drive, too,
maybe he'll stay down there.
All right, look,
you and AJ, you check
yourself into a hotel
until this thing blows over. Here's
1,200 extra on top of our agreement.
- I'm not going to a hotel.
- Why not?
I don't wanna break Anthony's routines.
He'll get a kick out
of it. It's an adventure.
God knows he loves room service.
Yeah, I'll give him room service...
the end of my foot.
What's with the attitude?
Well, he's an asshole, that's what.
- So what? It's his age.
- Yeah, thank you, I know.
But you buy him too much stuff,
I think because you feel
guilty about the separation.
Excuse me. It wasn't my idea.
There is more than one way
to ask for something.
- Could we please not?
- Spend $5,000 on a set of drums...
SAT tutor, coffeemaker, I gotta
fight you tooth and nail.
All I said was I wanna see statements
from the tutor or he doesn't get paid!
He's a college kid, Tony,
he's not set up for that.
You worried he's gonna
soak you for an extra pencil?
Oh, rimshot!
What I think, Tony, is you're
trying to make my life now
as hard on me financially as possible.
- Oh, it should be easy.
- Unbelievable.
What do you think,
you're the only Catholic here?
I'm old school. I don't believe
in this separation shit and divorce,
even if my wife was going
after some fucking immigrant!
Yet you are modern enough to
use a cell phone to call Italy
and every other fucking place
to threaten the guy's life.
Oh, that's right.
Certain people see him,
- he's a dead man.
- He had coffee here, Tony, that's all.
And now the coffeemaker sucks.
How do you like them apples?
You don't wanna stay at
a hotel, you suit yourself.
This is Anthony.
Could you call me
at 973-555-1299?
I'm thinking maybe I gotta come back,
you know, for therapy.
- Smells good, Feech.
- Yeah?
- You want a taste?
- Nah, I'll wait.
No offense, kid, but don't look to
me like you do a lot of waiting.
Just like his old man, huh?
Lotta changes since you went away, huh?
20 years, Madonn'.
Know what the biggest change for me
is? Broads shaving their bushes.
I went over to Silvio's, it's like
the Girl Scouts over there.
I think I'll let this simmer a bit.
Must be different in the
can now, not like the old days.
Fuckin' animals.
It's all about setting a precedent.
First day there, I walk in a mess,
I'm wearin' a puss, a fuckin' scowl.
I look around...
My nephew.
Right in the middle of my story!
There he is, the man, the legend,
Feech La Manna.
Hey, my God look at you!
You big galoot!
What'd you go straight
from the joint to Earl Scheib?
Look at this fucking tan.
You close the cellar
door when you came up?
It's like the Bowery Boys in here
with this house arrest here.
Code words and secret passages.
- He's in the middle of a story.
- When isn't he?
Hey.
It's day one, I'm in the mess,
I look around and I spot
the biggest, blackest motherfucker
that I can find.
Everybody's looking at me and
I walk right up to him and I say,
"What the fuck are you looking
at?" He says, "What?"
I said, "You heard me, motherfucker.
What the fuck are you looking at?!"
With that, I hit him! Bam!
Right across the fucking coconut!
He goes down, I'm on top of him.
Everybody around! He gets some shots in.
Everybody's going fucking crazy!
The screws, this guy, everybody!
"Motherfucker!"
From that time on,
nobody so much as
looks at me cross-eyed!
- Well, welcome home, huh?
- Cent'anni.
- Welcome home.
- Welcome home.
The reason I wanted to see
you, Junior, Tony too,
now that I'm out, I'd
like to get back in the game.
What'd you have in mind?
You know me, I'm an entrepreneur.
Get my shy going,
sports book, whatever you say.
As long as you don't
step on anybody's toes.
Me? I'm Fred Astaire.
What's this Feech tells me,
you got a bear up there at the house?
What, it's on fucking CNN?
No, it's just that your
wife's up there, and the kids...
your ex-wife, whatever.
It's just that wild animals,
they're dangerous. People talk.
What people? Who?
I don't know.
What am I supposed to do, go up there
personally and set fucking bear traps?
We're separated, for Christ's sake.
So, where's the dinner at?
Oh, I forget the name. It's in the car.
Who's gonna be there?
What are you, on the school paper? Guys.
It's business.
- You got any cash?
- Some.
Hand me my bag.
- That's all you got?
- It's like $400.
I'm low man tonight, I
gotta pay for everybody.
You know, this is fucking
ridiculous, Christopher.
Why should you get stuck all the
time? You should make Paulie pay.
What, I make the
rules now? Guy's a captain.
I know, but when he was in jail...
All's I'm saying is if you get
the extra responsibilities,
you should get the benefits, too.
You're right.
I'll say hello to the guys from you.
Benny, hi! Come on in.
Tony sent me. He says he wants
somebody stationed in the yard.
- He's worried the bear might come back.
- What?
- No, I don't want this.
- We'll switch off,
- me and Paulie Germani.
- This is silly, I'm gonna call him.
Actually, it's not that silly, Mrs. S.
If it was my family, I'd wanna know
there was a male at the house, too.
What can you do about it
if it does come back?
Tony said you should unlock the closet,
- give me the "shkupit" he called it.
- Oh, for God's sake.
We'll call the Fish and Game, too.
It's just... I'll have
the weapon in case.
He's just worried about you, that's all.
And Anthony.
Okay, I don't know.
You're very nice to do this.
Nice got nothing to do with it.
Stay inside. You don't have to sit
out there like a fistful of dollars.
Tony said not in the house. I
got my little Sony in the car.
You want something to eat?
We were just about to sit down.
Nah, I'm good. I just
stopped at Tio Pepe's.
This freaking olive oil.
The food's drenched.
That's the reason it happened.
As far as fucking bears are concerned?
I say get rid of them all.
They had their turn,
and now we got ours.
That's why dinosaurs
don't exist no more.
- Wasn't it a meteor?
- They're all meat eaters.
- Meteor, meteor.
- Take it easy.
Gentlemen, whenever you're ready.
- All right, are we set?
- Yeah, sure.
What are you doing, you ready?
I gotta make a pit stop.
Eh, you forgetting something?
You get it. I got the last one.
Here, baby, have some more cheesecake.
The other thing with bears is: if you're
ever chased by one, run downhill.
- For some reason, they can't do that.
- It's the moss.
They attack when you're
having your period, too.
No, no, that's jungle cats.
- So can we go?
- Hold your horses.
- What's goin' on, we ready or what?
- Yeah.
- Fine, I'll get it.
- Gimme the fucking thing.
- I said I'll get it.
- Enough. It's done.
- $860.00.
- What?
You heard me. That's
what you owe from last night.
You said, you got it.
I only got like $100 on me, anyways.
Then get the rest by tonight
or you start paying points.
I'm thinking of going
for the acupuncture.
- What, your shoulder again?
- Those long drives.
- It's already tender.
- Next time, we get you out there.
After 18 years in the can,
I'm just happy to be outside.
What, they don't have a golf
course at Leavenworth?
Still a smart ass, this one.
Carmine, you all right?
You barely touched your egg salad.
Too much gherkins. You smell that?
- What?
- Burning hair.
I smell cut grass.
- Any word on your cousin getting out?
- Who's your cousin again?
- Tony Blundetto.
- Oh, yeah, good guy.
Right, right. He was
my best buddy inside.
- So you gonna give him a party?
- When he get home, get him laid.
What's the matter, Carmine?
- Carmine?
- Jesus Christ!
- Call an ambulance.
- Yes, sir.
Is he breathing?
- Get that egg salad out of his mouth.
- Hurry up!
- Lupertazzi residence.
- Carmine, it's John.
Hey, John boy, how's the weather?
Look, I got some bad news.
Your dad's had a stroke.
- Oh my God, how bad?
- There's some paralysis.
It's too early to tell yet.
They're doing everything they can.
- Is my mom there?
- I just called her, she's on her way.
We're over at St. Vincent's.
Anything, John, anything he needs.
I'm on the next plane.
Sad, this shit, huh?
I wonder if I can smoke in here.
You know, I haven't forgotten
our arrangement last year,
you leaving me in the lurch like that.
It was the right thing to do, John.
Taking out a boss? Come on.
- Even still.
- What do you want, an apology?
Fucking Whitman Sampler, what?
Boy, imagine if his
fucking speech is affected.
Poor bastard.
When you're up at the house,
who comes to visit? Anybody?
Mostly Rosalie Aprile, Sil's wife.
Who calls on the phone?
Most of the calls seem
to be for Anthony.
So...?
Look, the real reason I'm here
is to confront you
in a positive way about
taking our relationship
in that other direction.
Why did you have to be underhanded?
I don't find that appealing, frankly.
I was gonna ask you out
for coffee or something,
but I didn't think you'd go.
I'll pay for the hour,
that goes without saying.
Forget that.
I was listening to
that guy on TV, Dr. Phil?
And he was talking about
a similar situation
and he said that you could,
if you wanted to.
There's no set rules. It's
basically about malpractice,
- and you probably couldn't get sued.
- That's not the point.
Look, I was thinking about
all kinds of moves...
"Buy her a piece of jewelry.
Pay the guy to close down the restaurant
where she eats lunch and
hire a mandolin player."
This is the place where we've been
most honest with each other.
And that's the way I always liked it.
So that being said,
if you don't like me personally,
or the cut of my jib,
or my face, or whatever,
then the matter will end here
and I will never ask you again.
You can be honest.
I like you, Anthony.
And, no, you have a very nice face.
- Working on the weight, too.
- Good.
Explain to me, okay,
why this is a matter
of such importance to you.
There must be plenty of women out there.
You're different from what's out there,
not to mention being
drop-dead beautiful.
My training teaches me
to go fairly quickly
to the idea that what you really
want is to come back to therapy.
Jesus Christ Almighty,
come on, will you?!
Your marriage of 20-something
years has collapsed,
no doubt there are issues
with your children.
Why can't I do something that's
just for me for a change?
It would be for you.
All right, well, I want you.
And not just for the smart
things you say. I-I-I want...
I want your skin. I want your mouth.
I want your eyes.
You project all these qualities onto me.
You don't know me.
This is what happens
between doctor and patient.
Don't do that.
Outta respect for this office.
You know, forget about the way
that Tony Soprano
makes his way in the world,
that's just to feed his children.
There's two Tony Sopranos.
You've never seen the other one.
That's the one I wanna show to you.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- I... I wonder if I could use the WC?
- Of course, come on in.
- Yeah, okay.
- Is it cold out?
Yeah, a little, but I got a fleece.
I know him, he'll just keep
coming back and coming back.
How to let him down easy, I...
- Think it's worth telling the police?
- What?
Jesus, Elliot.
I don't want to paint
in somber tones here,
but the man is a sociopath,
unpracticed in not
getting what he wants.
And now, since the therapy is kaput,
what use are you to him except for sex?
Thank you, Elliot.
Your depth of feeling is
really quite extraordinary here.
All you could come up with
was this weak borscht
about professional ethics,
because you are worried
about how this thug
will handle rejection.
You know, at first
I did find him a little sexy...
dangerous, alpha male...
but as year followed year,
the ugliness I saw, I heard...
You kept him a long time, though.
There's a mutual sympathy
there of some kind, I guess.
Maybe it's just the Italian thing.
- Sil said you were looking for me?
- Sit down.
This about the Easter baskets?
I don't even know what that is,
and, to tell you the truth,
I don't wanna know.
Now what's this shit
between you and Paulie?
- You chiseled him out of a dinner?
- I chiseled him?
- He said that?
- I asked you a question.
Can I say something in my own defense?
It's not right that I have
to pay all the time.
I've been paying for fucking years.
You done? Good.
You pay till I tell you
you don't have to pay no more.
And don't give me that face.
You know how many tabs, how many
dinners I picked up over the years?
I got Richie Aprile,
fat fucking Jerry Anastasia.
Those guys killed me at Benihana's.
And forget it, if they want a steak.
I put a new wing on Peter Luger's.
Brandy, cigars, champagne.
Could've bought a fucking plane.
I hear you, Ton', but
that was before inflation...
Whatever.
It's tradition.
It's like in
ancient times, the samurais,
they had these pages...
young boys that did their errands,
washed their clothes, shit like that.
It's a sign of respect.
Why don't you cheer up?
One day, some kid'll be
paying for your dinners.
Atlantic City loves
its oldies on Oldies 98.3.
So the Pope says,
"Just-a one-a more thing:
She gotta have-a
big-a tits."
Oh, man!
That was good!
You okay, Ton'? You're being
like a little quiet.
Yeah, yeah. I'm
just... I'm full, that's all.
Calm before the storm. Get him near
those crap tables and look out.
Jesus, I'm stuffed. I can't remember
the last time I ate this much.
Sure youse don't want no dessert?
- Not for me.
- I'm good.
Thank you.
- Thanks.
- Enjoy it, girls.
I been enjoying looking
at youse the whole night.
- Get some fucking glasses.
- We gotta go.
All right, I'll see
you over at the $100 table.
- Yeah.
- Right.
Ton', you sure you're all right?
You got a big moose on.
It's a fucking broad, believe that?
Really? You mean...?
- It's the real deal, I think.
- No shit, huh?
See? The thing is,
we got this platonic thing going.
We have had for many years.
She thinks that's
what it is, but it's not,
and no amount of convincing
will change her mind.
- So she was a... friend.
- Yeah.
They're wrapping up a
lobster roll for me to take to Ginny.
- We'll see you's over there.
- Yeah.
- Anything else, gentlemen?
- We're good.
My friend here'll
take the check, though.
Have a wonderful evening.
1184.
Oh... babe.
I gotta play that number.
Hmm, I'm gonna go wash up.
I'll tell you, after a meal like that,
what I could use is a nice piece of ass.
Who knows, maybe I'll call down,
have them send one up to the room.
Why don't you just fuck yourself?
Save a little money.
- What's your problem?!
- Stop trying to bait me.
- You know what my fucking problem is!
- No, why don't you tell me?
You want me to tell you? Fine!
Steaks, 3 Ib. -lobsters,
the shrimp fucking cocktails
you made everybody get.
Then on top of everything else, you send
those skanks a bottle of Cristal?
I was being a gentleman.
You oughtta try it some time.
Not to mention the Lyonnaise fucking
potatoes you didn't even touch.
- What?! I lost my appetite.
- Fuck you!
- Excuse me?
- You fucking heard me!
I'm telling you, I don't give a fuck
anymore who you're related to.
Go ahead, Paulie. Go for it.
Your big fucking moment.
- You little fuck...
- Excuse me, gentlemen.
Was there a problem with the service?
- What are you talking about?
- You left me $16, sir.
- Perhaps you miscounted.
- There's 1200 bucks in there.
That's correct, and the bill was $1184.
Assuming you don't tip
on tax or alcohol, 15%...
I'm tapped out.
You think this job is easy? I have kids.
Then go back inside before you get hurt.
- I have a goddamn family to support.
- Fuck off.
Yeah, right. Go piss
it away at blackjack,
- fucking assholes!
- Oh!
What do you gotta say now?
Chrissie, he's fucked up.
Don't they have medicine they're
supposed to take, these assholes?
I don't know.
He'll say we hit him with a brick.
He's still going, this asshole.
That's my money, Paulie!
How's he doing?
I love him so much and I can't do shit.
We're all praying for him.
You know, you were another son to him.
- Yeah?
- You get some sleep?
Yeah, a little, you know.
- Fucked up, huh?
- What are you gonna do?
I'm not too worried about the cops.
Nobody knows us down there.
The reason I called.
Let's bury the hatchet, you and me.
All this bullshit with us.
I know, I know, it's stupid.
Life's too short, Chrissie.
You can't waste it
fighting with your friends.
Look what could've happened last night.
One of us could've got hurt
or even killed for Christ's sake.
- I know.
- You're special to me, you know.
- Always have been.
- You, too, Paulie... to me.
We'll split the tab.
I'm sorry, Paulie.
I apologize too, kid.
I'll talk to you later.
When you say that, you make me feel...
less than.
Next week, everyone.
Good luck.
- I'm going outta town next week.
- Okay.
Good night.
Anthony.
- Hello.
- Hey.
A friend of mine had these.
I'll see you next week.
Like I was saying, a friend of mine
had these and couldn't use them.
I figured, well...
maybe we could.
Tickets, Bermuda, lodging
at the Elbow Beach Hotel.
I turned down a wonderful
dinner invitation,
and you think I'll go away with you?
Well, the guy couldn't use them and...
you know, he gave them to me. What do
you want me to do, throw them away?
Come on, I'm breaking
out the big guns here.
You're turning me into half a stalker.
Listen, Anthony, I'm...
I'm not going to go out with you, okay?
And it's not because you're unattractive
or I don't think I
would have a good time,
it's just something I'm not going to do.
And I would like you
to respect my decision,
and just try to feel that
I know what's right for me.
Okay?
But it's not just the...
psychiatric ethics stuff, is it?
I wanna preserve the option for you
that you could always
come back to our work,
if you wish.
And that we could pick
up where we've left off.
I don't think you get this, I want you!
And that's very flattering to me.
I'm not interested in flattering you.
- I know you're not.
- All right, then what is it?
Okay, what is it? Just...
help me understand it, okay?
You know, Anthony, during therapy I...
I never judged you or your behavior.
It's not the place
of a therapist to do so.
All right, I get all this. Go, go.
In a personal relationship,
I don't think I could sit silent.
About what?
Our values are...
- just very different.
- You don't like my values?
- Honestly?
- Yeah.
No.
Okay. Like what?
- It's getting late, I...
- No, no, no. Come on.
It's okay, it's okay.
Well...
you're not a truthful person.
You're not respectful of women.
You're not really respectful of people.
- I don't love people?
- Maybe you love them, I don't know.
You take what you want
from them by force
or the threat of force.
I couldn't live like that.
- I couldn't bear witness to violence...
- Fuck you!
You're a fucking cunt!
Oh.
How come Benny's not outside?
He just got here, he's going out.
Where is he?
He's in your office on
the phone with his girlfriend.
Hey, Ton', how's it going?
You can take the
night off. I'll spell you.
No, no, no, Ton', that's all
right, it's okay, really.
I'll take over, okay, for tonight.
Okay, well... night, Mrs. S.
Good night, Benny, thank you.
- You want coffee?
- No.
Jesus, Meadow, chill out!
Inevitably, Sukanya,
what goes in must comes out.
And these people now being released
from prison were jailed
during the big mafia
crackdowns of the 1980s?
Seems like yesterday, doesn't it?
For years we heard how law enforcement
broke the back of the mob.
Well, they've served their time.
"It's the old never-ending
battle against crime and corruption,"
- to quote Superman.
- What do you think is gonna happen
with this infusion of new blood?
We could be looking at a period
of potentially violent struggle.
- They gonna paint everythin' the worst.
- How long till dinner?
- Any familiar names? - In
New York, the only old-style boss
still in place is Carmine Lupertazzi.
He'll soon be rejoined by
Angelo Garepe, his former consigliere.
Also Philip Leotardo,
long-time Lupertazzi captain.
Can you help me here? Crush some ice?
- I'll be right there.
- New Jersey's a better case in point.
You've got Michele "Feech" La Manna,
released just this week,
a man greatly feared
- and respected in the '70s.
- Amen to that.
Similar situation with Anthony
Blundetto in that same
- Jersey crime family, the Sopranos.
- Oh!
- Let me see how he looks.
Still is as far as I know.
28 years old when he went away.
A rising star. Thought to
be the central suspect
in the car-bomb killing of Thomas
Gilardi and his driver.
That's the best picture
they could find? He was a fox.
Will you pipe down?
We're tryin' to watch.
It's my house, Tony.
- What are you watching?
- Go call your brother for dinner.
- Bobby!
- Be nice to have him back, huh?
- Your cousin?
- Missed the shit out of him.
The older you are, the more
you're entitled to eat.
Hi, sorry.
- Where the hell you been?
- Your mother didn't send anything?
She wasn't even home. Her and
Aunt Ro went out to dinner, I think.
Everybody sit!
Now please.
This is great of you, Aunt Jan,
keeping the Sunday dinner
tradition going.
Can you get the roast out of the oven?
- Canned clam chowder?
- Go sit, God damn it.
- Oh, shit.
- What?
My wedding ring.
- Goin' to strap on the bag, Ton'?
- Yeah.
Would you say this is an interesting
point in the history of the mafia?
I'd say we're looking at a great
year for crime reporters, Sukanya.
- Anthony!
- What?
I wanna say hello.
Wh... can you stop a minute?
- How was dinner?
- Fine.
- What'd you have?
- Roast beef.
Did your father pick up his
mail when he dropped you off?
No, he didn't come in. He was tired.
He said he just wanted to go to
bed. I'm trying to practice.
I see you didn't bring the power vac in
from the pool house like I asked.
Why does that even have to be done?
Grandpa's still gonna
have to lift it into his truck.
I don't want him to have to drag
it from all the way out back.
# It's so nice to have
a man around the house. #
You should've thought about that before.
What did you say?
Go out and get that vacuum, now!
What did I just say?! Go!
Mommy!
Oh my God. Mommy, help!
Mommy! Mom.
Mommy.
AJ, be quiet, don't move.
Mommy?
Mommy!
Go get Dad's gun!
It's all the way in the dining room!
Hey, go away! Go!
Hey! Get outta here!
Go!
How's the olive loaf?
You know what I like?
- I like the Gulden's Brown Mustard.
- Are you leaving?
Yeah, I got a overseas
call comin' at home.
Finish your sandwich, at least, first.
- Oh, yeah, yeah, no.
- Sheesh.
Could be the same one from Willow Drive.
God. The most densely
populated state in the country,
- and still this.
- Gone.
He went through your neighbor's
garbage, though, the Kalcheims?
It's been goin' on all over.
If my son had been alone...
You're not gonna put your trash cans out
until as close to pick-up
time as possible.
- You hear that?
- Put ammonia or bleach
in the container and on the lid. I
posted a notice for your neighbors.
If this had been a category two,
injury or serious property damage,
- we could set traps, but not for this.
- God.
You should've busted a cap
in his ass with Dad's rifle.
It's illegal to discharge firearms
within the borough limits.
- You're gonna call Dad, aren't you?
- No.
The great percentage
of them don't come back.
If he does... call us.
Oh, do you have bird feed back there?
Ah, duck food, yes, my husband's.
It's probably what attracted the animal.
See, the corn's gotten
damp and aromatic.
You might wanna tell
your husband to put it inside.
Right.
Setting up the equipment
is a complicated affair.
Video cameras with
built-in recorders...
- Then the car that he qualifi...
- Hello.
Mmm.
I'm Dr. Lowenstein.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa. Go back.
- What?
- Come on.
- You're kidding.
No, go back, please!
- Why don't you come in?
- I like Nolte.
- Why didn't you tell me last night?
- I'm sorry.
That's a long story, let's just skip it.
I'll try to think of a better one.
- What's bothering you?
- Global warming, acid rain,
the national debt? Never
even know what's goin' on.
Look at her nails, totally real.
- You weren't paying attention.
- Let's face it,
women are more devious than men.
One of my therapists was a woman.
Too bad you didn't get all
your talkin' done with her.
You expect a man to be
a tower of strength.
Then when it turns out he's got a few
weaknesses and some insecurities,
what do you do? You turn
around and you betray him!
So you feel that
your mother betrayed you?
Doggone, I hate this Freudian crap.
It's not your job to listen
to my problems anyway!
If you don't mind, I'd like to go.
- You're free to leave anytime you want.
- Good!
Goddamn shrink.
- Who was I kiddin'?
- What are you smiling at?
- I was a champion...
- Nothin', I don't know.
- You have this goofy look on your face.
- Come on.
Until Susan Lowenstein came along.
Her questions makin' me
as dizzy as her perfume.
- Jennifer Melfi?
- Yes?
So we open the fuckin' trunk,
this suffocatin'
Russian cocksucker pops up!
He's still alive!
We lead him through the snow.
This asshole's shiverin'...
he's wearin' fuckin' pajamas
and slippers in like 8? weather.
- Hey!
- Ho!
- Here he is.
- How you doin'?
- Fellas?
- The B?
- Hey, Ton'.
- Radio on the way in.
- Another incident at the airport.
- Fuckin' assholes.
I gotta make a couple calls.
Anyway, he starts runnin', the Russian.
Boom! I'm tellin' you the top of his
head came off like a fuckin' bad rug.
What a beating we had to give
this prick, ooh Madonn'.
- Where is he now?
- Who the fuck cares, right, Chrissie?
- Who the fuck knows?
- Poor bastard.
Never would've happened if Paulie
hadn't initially overreacted,
but it's one for the books.
What do you mean overreacted?
You choked him with the lamp,
Paulie, or we could've got
Silvio shcarole without havin'
to spend the night in the open.
You let him jab you with that shovel
was the problem. Lets his guard down.
We would've caught up to the prick
- if you didn't lose your fuckin' shoe!
- Wait, you lost your shoe?
You didn't tell us about that.
"Chrissie, please,
don't leave me out here."
You little cocksucker!
I covered your ass with Tony
about that whole thing,
and never a word of
fuckin' thanks, ever!
Always playin' that
blood-relation card.
- Tony's little favorite.
- Fuck you!
- What?
- Come on! Come on.
What the fuck?
That was a good story, damn it.
Tellin' you right now...
it's finished with us.
- Goodbye, Dr. Melfi.
- See you next week.
- Hello?
- Like the flowers?
And yeah, before you ask,
I am takin' the medication.
How are you, Anthony?
It's been a long time.
I'm great, actually. You?
Thank you for that
beautiful arrangement.
I see you haven't lost
your sense of humor.
You gotta have a sense
of humor in life, right?
- You taught me that.
- And how is life?
Good, good.
Well, I'm separated, me and Carmela.
- I'm sorry to hear that.
- Don't be,
Well, I always thought I saw
some good things there.
Two healthy kids, other than that...
look, the reason I called...
I'd like you to have dinner with me.
Since we're not in therapy no
more and I'm a bachelor again...
That's very thoughtful of you.
Unfortunately, because of
our prior clinical relationship,
- I just can't do it.
- What, eat?
- You must be a toothpick.
- You know what I mean.
See, I knew you were
gonna say somethin' like that.
I can't, Anthony, I'm sorry.
You know, I waited a respectable
period or whatever
- before makin' this call.
- Then you realize yourself
there's something not
quite right about us dating.
No, I'm not undeterred by this.
- We will talk again.
- Thank you for the flowers.
- And the detergent.
- And the detergent.
Of course, what's wrong with me?
I don't know, but we'll find out.
Leave it to Dr. Tony.
- What's the matter?
- The bear. Stay there!
Oh, right, lock the door.
What, do you think he's
gonna wipe his feet, too?
He'll smash through the glass.
Now where is that guy's card?
I don't know.
You've reached Fish and Game.
- If you know the extension...
- Unbelievable.
If not, press zero for directory.
Hello?!
For hunting and fishing
licenses, press two.
You get a letter from
my cousin in the can?
Yes, Officer Zmuida, hi. Yes, Mrs.
Soprano from North Caldwell?
- We had the bear in our yard.
- What the fuck?
- You're the guys with the pool?
- Yes, it came back.
- Was anybody hurt?
- No, thank God.
- Property damage?
- No property damage either I could see,
but I didn't really wanna go out there.
Oh, one of those Eastern black bears?
- We'll be up in about an hour.
- Yes, that'd be great,
- Okay, we'll be here.
- All right, see you then.
Jesus Christ, when did this happen?
The first time Sunday night,
and I saw it again just now.
AJ didn't even mention it to you
- when you two went to the game?
- No!
I have to warn the Cusamanos.
They keep Esterhaz
chained up along the side there.
That bear will rip him to pieces.
Cusamanos weren't home. Got the machine.
Well, I don't see Esterhaz.
Why didn't you call me
when this first happened?
I called the cops.
They called Fish and Game.
Are you tryin' to
prove you're independent?
This isn't "Little House on the
Prairie." Those things are dangerous.
The ranger, whatever, said it was your
duck food out there that attracted it.
I never heard of that happening before.
Trapper Joe over here.
Hmm.
We didn't find a spoor.
I was just tellin' the gentleman
the animal still doesn't meet
- the parameters for removal.
- Oh, Jeez.
So, when somebody's leg is gone...
Problem is it hasn't
really threatened anybody.
Sorry.
Whoa, whoa, hold on a minute.
You and your pal buy some new...
lanyards for your whistles.
Oh, we can't accept that.
And we don't have whistles.
Thanks, though.
Ranger Rick's a little light
in the timberlands, huh?
Everybody's always gay with you.
He's a good-looking guy, that's all.
I already put the ammonia on the cans,
I told you.
Look, I came here to
give you your money, but...
this bear thing, though, I'm... I'm...
I'm worried.
You and AJ here by yourselves.
What can we do? You want coffee?
Last time it had a weird taste.
The coffeemaker is shot.
The heating element
is corroded, I told you.
That's not the problem.
You don't need another one.
Last month, it was the
upstairs toilet. Basta.
He goes down the street
to Willow Drive, too,
maybe he'll stay down there.
All right, look,
you and AJ, you check
yourself into a hotel
until this thing blows over. Here's
1,200 extra on top of our agreement.
- I'm not going to a hotel.
- Why not?
I don't wanna break Anthony's routines.
He'll get a kick out
of it. It's an adventure.
God knows he loves room service.
Yeah, I'll give him room service...
the end of my foot.
What's with the attitude?
Well, he's an asshole, that's what.
- So what? It's his age.
- Yeah, thank you, I know.
But you buy him too much stuff,
I think because you feel
guilty about the separation.
Excuse me. It wasn't my idea.
There is more than one way
to ask for something.
- Could we please not?
- Spend $5,000 on a set of drums...
SAT tutor, coffeemaker, I gotta
fight you tooth and nail.
All I said was I wanna see statements
from the tutor or he doesn't get paid!
He's a college kid, Tony,
he's not set up for that.
You worried he's gonna
soak you for an extra pencil?
Oh, rimshot!
What I think, Tony, is you're
trying to make my life now
as hard on me financially as possible.
- Oh, it should be easy.
- Unbelievable.
What do you think,
you're the only Catholic here?
I'm old school. I don't believe
in this separation shit and divorce,
even if my wife was going
after some fucking immigrant!
Yet you are modern enough to
use a cell phone to call Italy
and every other fucking place
to threaten the guy's life.
Oh, that's right.
Certain people see him,
- he's a dead man.
- He had coffee here, Tony, that's all.
And now the coffeemaker sucks.
How do you like them apples?
You don't wanna stay at
a hotel, you suit yourself.
This is Anthony.
Could you call me
at 973-555-1299?
I'm thinking maybe I gotta come back,
you know, for therapy.
- Smells good, Feech.
- Yeah?
- You want a taste?
- Nah, I'll wait.
No offense, kid, but don't look to
me like you do a lot of waiting.
Just like his old man, huh?
Lotta changes since you went away, huh?
20 years, Madonn'.
Know what the biggest change for me
is? Broads shaving their bushes.
I went over to Silvio's, it's like
the Girl Scouts over there.
I think I'll let this simmer a bit.
Must be different in the
can now, not like the old days.
Fuckin' animals.
It's all about setting a precedent.
First day there, I walk in a mess,
I'm wearin' a puss, a fuckin' scowl.
I look around...
My nephew.
Right in the middle of my story!
There he is, the man, the legend,
Feech La Manna.
Hey, my God look at you!
You big galoot!
What'd you go straight
from the joint to Earl Scheib?
Look at this fucking tan.
You close the cellar
door when you came up?
It's like the Bowery Boys in here
with this house arrest here.
Code words and secret passages.
- He's in the middle of a story.
- When isn't he?
Hey.
It's day one, I'm in the mess,
I look around and I spot
the biggest, blackest motherfucker
that I can find.
Everybody's looking at me and
I walk right up to him and I say,
"What the fuck are you looking
at?" He says, "What?"
I said, "You heard me, motherfucker.
What the fuck are you looking at?!"
With that, I hit him! Bam!
Right across the fucking coconut!
He goes down, I'm on top of him.
Everybody around! He gets some shots in.
Everybody's going fucking crazy!
The screws, this guy, everybody!
"Motherfucker!"
From that time on,
nobody so much as
looks at me cross-eyed!
- Well, welcome home, huh?
- Cent'anni.
- Welcome home.
- Welcome home.
The reason I wanted to see
you, Junior, Tony too,
now that I'm out, I'd
like to get back in the game.
What'd you have in mind?
You know me, I'm an entrepreneur.
Get my shy going,
sports book, whatever you say.
As long as you don't
step on anybody's toes.
Me? I'm Fred Astaire.
What's this Feech tells me,
you got a bear up there at the house?
What, it's on fucking CNN?
No, it's just that your
wife's up there, and the kids...
your ex-wife, whatever.
It's just that wild animals,
they're dangerous. People talk.
What people? Who?
I don't know.
What am I supposed to do, go up there
personally and set fucking bear traps?
We're separated, for Christ's sake.
So, where's the dinner at?
Oh, I forget the name. It's in the car.
Who's gonna be there?
What are you, on the school paper? Guys.
It's business.
- You got any cash?
- Some.
Hand me my bag.
- That's all you got?
- It's like $400.
I'm low man tonight, I
gotta pay for everybody.
You know, this is fucking
ridiculous, Christopher.
Why should you get stuck all the
time? You should make Paulie pay.
What, I make the
rules now? Guy's a captain.
I know, but when he was in jail...
All's I'm saying is if you get
the extra responsibilities,
you should get the benefits, too.
You're right.
I'll say hello to the guys from you.
Benny, hi! Come on in.
Tony sent me. He says he wants
somebody stationed in the yard.
- He's worried the bear might come back.
- What?
- No, I don't want this.
- We'll switch off,
- me and Paulie Germani.
- This is silly, I'm gonna call him.
Actually, it's not that silly, Mrs. S.
If it was my family, I'd wanna know
there was a male at the house, too.
What can you do about it
if it does come back?
Tony said you should unlock the closet,
- give me the "shkupit" he called it.
- Oh, for God's sake.
We'll call the Fish and Game, too.
It's just... I'll have
the weapon in case.
He's just worried about you, that's all.
And Anthony.
Okay, I don't know.
You're very nice to do this.
Nice got nothing to do with it.
Stay inside. You don't have to sit
out there like a fistful of dollars.
Tony said not in the house. I
got my little Sony in the car.
You want something to eat?
We were just about to sit down.
Nah, I'm good. I just
stopped at Tio Pepe's.
This freaking olive oil.
The food's drenched.
That's the reason it happened.
As far as fucking bears are concerned?
I say get rid of them all.
They had their turn,
and now we got ours.
That's why dinosaurs
don't exist no more.
- Wasn't it a meteor?
- They're all meat eaters.
- Meteor, meteor.
- Take it easy.
Gentlemen, whenever you're ready.
- All right, are we set?
- Yeah, sure.
What are you doing, you ready?
I gotta make a pit stop.
Eh, you forgetting something?
You get it. I got the last one.
Here, baby, have some more cheesecake.
The other thing with bears is: if you're
ever chased by one, run downhill.
- For some reason, they can't do that.
- It's the moss.
They attack when you're
having your period, too.
No, no, that's jungle cats.
- So can we go?
- Hold your horses.
- What's goin' on, we ready or what?
- Yeah.
- Fine, I'll get it.
- Gimme the fucking thing.
- I said I'll get it.
- Enough. It's done.
- $860.00.
- What?
You heard me. That's
what you owe from last night.
You said, you got it.
I only got like $100 on me, anyways.
Then get the rest by tonight
or you start paying points.
I'm thinking of going
for the acupuncture.
- What, your shoulder again?
- Those long drives.
- It's already tender.
- Next time, we get you out there.
After 18 years in the can,
I'm just happy to be outside.
What, they don't have a golf
course at Leavenworth?
Still a smart ass, this one.
Carmine, you all right?
You barely touched your egg salad.
Too much gherkins. You smell that?
- What?
- Burning hair.
I smell cut grass.
- Any word on your cousin getting out?
- Who's your cousin again?
- Tony Blundetto.
- Oh, yeah, good guy.
Right, right. He was
my best buddy inside.
- So you gonna give him a party?
- When he get home, get him laid.
What's the matter, Carmine?
- Carmine?
- Jesus Christ!
- Call an ambulance.
- Yes, sir.
Is he breathing?
- Get that egg salad out of his mouth.
- Hurry up!
- Lupertazzi residence.
- Carmine, it's John.
Hey, John boy, how's the weather?
Look, I got some bad news.
Your dad's had a stroke.
- Oh my God, how bad?
- There's some paralysis.
It's too early to tell yet.
They're doing everything they can.
- Is my mom there?
- I just called her, she's on her way.
We're over at St. Vincent's.
Anything, John, anything he needs.
I'm on the next plane.
Sad, this shit, huh?
I wonder if I can smoke in here.
You know, I haven't forgotten
our arrangement last year,
you leaving me in the lurch like that.
It was the right thing to do, John.
Taking out a boss? Come on.
- Even still.
- What do you want, an apology?
Fucking Whitman Sampler, what?
Boy, imagine if his
fucking speech is affected.
Poor bastard.
When you're up at the house,
who comes to visit? Anybody?
Mostly Rosalie Aprile, Sil's wife.
Who calls on the phone?
Most of the calls seem
to be for Anthony.
So...?
Look, the real reason I'm here
is to confront you
in a positive way about
taking our relationship
in that other direction.
Why did you have to be underhanded?
I don't find that appealing, frankly.
I was gonna ask you out
for coffee or something,
but I didn't think you'd go.
I'll pay for the hour,
that goes without saying.
Forget that.
I was listening to
that guy on TV, Dr. Phil?
And he was talking about
a similar situation
and he said that you could,
if you wanted to.
There's no set rules. It's
basically about malpractice,
- and you probably couldn't get sued.
- That's not the point.
Look, I was thinking about
all kinds of moves...
"Buy her a piece of jewelry.
Pay the guy to close down the restaurant
where she eats lunch and
hire a mandolin player."
This is the place where we've been
most honest with each other.
And that's the way I always liked it.
So that being said,
if you don't like me personally,
or the cut of my jib,
or my face, or whatever,
then the matter will end here
and I will never ask you again.
You can be honest.
I like you, Anthony.
And, no, you have a very nice face.
- Working on the weight, too.
- Good.
Explain to me, okay,
why this is a matter
of such importance to you.
There must be plenty of women out there.
You're different from what's out there,
not to mention being
drop-dead beautiful.
My training teaches me
to go fairly quickly
to the idea that what you really
want is to come back to therapy.
Jesus Christ Almighty,
come on, will you?!
Your marriage of 20-something
years has collapsed,
no doubt there are issues
with your children.
Why can't I do something that's
just for me for a change?
It would be for you.
All right, well, I want you.
And not just for the smart
things you say. I-I-I want...
I want your skin. I want your mouth.
I want your eyes.
You project all these qualities onto me.
You don't know me.
This is what happens
between doctor and patient.
Don't do that.
Outta respect for this office.
You know, forget about the way
that Tony Soprano
makes his way in the world,
that's just to feed his children.
There's two Tony Sopranos.
You've never seen the other one.
That's the one I wanna show to you.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- I... I wonder if I could use the WC?
- Of course, come on in.
- Yeah, okay.
- Is it cold out?
Yeah, a little, but I got a fleece.
I know him, he'll just keep
coming back and coming back.
How to let him down easy, I...
- Think it's worth telling the police?
- What?
Jesus, Elliot.
I don't want to paint
in somber tones here,
but the man is a sociopath,
unpracticed in not
getting what he wants.
And now, since the therapy is kaput,
what use are you to him except for sex?
Thank you, Elliot.
Your depth of feeling is
really quite extraordinary here.
All you could come up with
was this weak borscht
about professional ethics,
because you are worried
about how this thug
will handle rejection.
You know, at first
I did find him a little sexy...
dangerous, alpha male...
but as year followed year,
the ugliness I saw, I heard...
You kept him a long time, though.
There's a mutual sympathy
there of some kind, I guess.
Maybe it's just the Italian thing.
- Sil said you were looking for me?
- Sit down.
This about the Easter baskets?
I don't even know what that is,
and, to tell you the truth,
I don't wanna know.
Now what's this shit
between you and Paulie?
- You chiseled him out of a dinner?
- I chiseled him?
- He said that?
- I asked you a question.
Can I say something in my own defense?
It's not right that I have
to pay all the time.
I've been paying for fucking years.
You done? Good.
You pay till I tell you
you don't have to pay no more.
And don't give me that face.
You know how many tabs, how many
dinners I picked up over the years?
I got Richie Aprile,
fat fucking Jerry Anastasia.
Those guys killed me at Benihana's.
And forget it, if they want a steak.
I put a new wing on Peter Luger's.
Brandy, cigars, champagne.
Could've bought a fucking plane.
I hear you, Ton', but
that was before inflation...
Whatever.
It's tradition.
It's like in
ancient times, the samurais,
they had these pages...
young boys that did their errands,
washed their clothes, shit like that.
It's a sign of respect.
Why don't you cheer up?
One day, some kid'll be
paying for your dinners.
Atlantic City loves
its oldies on Oldies 98.3.
So the Pope says,
"Just-a one-a more thing:
She gotta have-a
big-a tits."
Oh, man!
That was good!
You okay, Ton'? You're being
like a little quiet.
Yeah, yeah. I'm
just... I'm full, that's all.
Calm before the storm. Get him near
those crap tables and look out.
Jesus, I'm stuffed. I can't remember
the last time I ate this much.
Sure youse don't want no dessert?
- Not for me.
- I'm good.
Thank you.
- Thanks.
- Enjoy it, girls.
I been enjoying looking
at youse the whole night.
- Get some fucking glasses.
- We gotta go.
All right, I'll see
you over at the $100 table.
- Yeah.
- Right.
Ton', you sure you're all right?
You got a big moose on.
It's a fucking broad, believe that?
Really? You mean...?
- It's the real deal, I think.
- No shit, huh?
See? The thing is,
we got this platonic thing going.
We have had for many years.
She thinks that's
what it is, but it's not,
and no amount of convincing
will change her mind.
- So she was a... friend.
- Yeah.
They're wrapping up a
lobster roll for me to take to Ginny.
- We'll see you's over there.
- Yeah.
- Anything else, gentlemen?
- We're good.
My friend here'll
take the check, though.
Have a wonderful evening.
1184.
Oh... babe.
I gotta play that number.
Hmm, I'm gonna go wash up.
I'll tell you, after a meal like that,
what I could use is a nice piece of ass.
Who knows, maybe I'll call down,
have them send one up to the room.
Why don't you just fuck yourself?
Save a little money.
- What's your problem?!
- Stop trying to bait me.
- You know what my fucking problem is!
- No, why don't you tell me?
You want me to tell you? Fine!
Steaks, 3 Ib. -lobsters,
the shrimp fucking cocktails
you made everybody get.
Then on top of everything else, you send
those skanks a bottle of Cristal?
I was being a gentleman.
You oughtta try it some time.
Not to mention the Lyonnaise fucking
potatoes you didn't even touch.
- What?! I lost my appetite.
- Fuck you!
- Excuse me?
- You fucking heard me!
I'm telling you, I don't give a fuck
anymore who you're related to.
Go ahead, Paulie. Go for it.
Your big fucking moment.
- You little fuck...
- Excuse me, gentlemen.
Was there a problem with the service?
- What are you talking about?
- You left me $16, sir.
- Perhaps you miscounted.
- There's 1200 bucks in there.
That's correct, and the bill was $1184.
Assuming you don't tip
on tax or alcohol, 15%...
I'm tapped out.
You think this job is easy? I have kids.
Then go back inside before you get hurt.
- I have a goddamn family to support.
- Fuck off.
Yeah, right. Go piss
it away at blackjack,
- fucking assholes!
- Oh!
What do you gotta say now?
Chrissie, he's fucked up.
Don't they have medicine they're
supposed to take, these assholes?
I don't know.
He'll say we hit him with a brick.
He's still going, this asshole.
That's my money, Paulie!
How's he doing?
I love him so much and I can't do shit.
We're all praying for him.
You know, you were another son to him.
- Yeah?
- You get some sleep?
Yeah, a little, you know.
- Fucked up, huh?
- What are you gonna do?
I'm not too worried about the cops.
Nobody knows us down there.
The reason I called.
Let's bury the hatchet, you and me.
All this bullshit with us.
I know, I know, it's stupid.
Life's too short, Chrissie.
You can't waste it
fighting with your friends.
Look what could've happened last night.
One of us could've got hurt
or even killed for Christ's sake.
- I know.
- You're special to me, you know.
- Always have been.
- You, too, Paulie... to me.
We'll split the tab.
I'm sorry, Paulie.
I apologize too, kid.
I'll talk to you later.
When you say that, you make me feel...
less than.
Next week, everyone.
Good luck.
- I'm going outta town next week.
- Okay.
Good night.
Anthony.
- Hello.
- Hey.
A friend of mine had these.
I'll see you next week.
Like I was saying, a friend of mine
had these and couldn't use them.
I figured, well...
maybe we could.
Tickets, Bermuda, lodging
at the Elbow Beach Hotel.
I turned down a wonderful
dinner invitation,
and you think I'll go away with you?
Well, the guy couldn't use them and...
you know, he gave them to me. What do
you want me to do, throw them away?
Come on, I'm breaking
out the big guns here.
You're turning me into half a stalker.
Listen, Anthony, I'm...
I'm not going to go out with you, okay?
And it's not because you're unattractive
or I don't think I
would have a good time,
it's just something I'm not going to do.
And I would like you
to respect my decision,
and just try to feel that
I know what's right for me.
Okay?
But it's not just the...
psychiatric ethics stuff, is it?
I wanna preserve the option for you
that you could always
come back to our work,
if you wish.
And that we could pick
up where we've left off.
I don't think you get this, I want you!
And that's very flattering to me.
I'm not interested in flattering you.
- I know you're not.
- All right, then what is it?
Okay, what is it? Just...
help me understand it, okay?
You know, Anthony, during therapy I...
I never judged you or your behavior.
It's not the place
of a therapist to do so.
All right, I get all this. Go, go.
In a personal relationship,
I don't think I could sit silent.
About what?
Our values are...
- just very different.
- You don't like my values?
- Honestly?
- Yeah.
No.
Okay. Like what?
- It's getting late, I...
- No, no, no. Come on.
It's okay, it's okay.
Well...
you're not a truthful person.
You're not respectful of women.
You're not really respectful of people.
- I don't love people?
- Maybe you love them, I don't know.
You take what you want
from them by force
or the threat of force.
I couldn't live like that.
- I couldn't bear witness to violence...
- Fuck you!
You're a fucking cunt!
Oh.
How come Benny's not outside?
He just got here, he's going out.
Where is he?
He's in your office on
the phone with his girlfriend.
Hey, Ton', how's it going?
You can take the
night off. I'll spell you.
No, no, no, Ton', that's all
right, it's okay, really.
I'll take over, okay, for tonight.
Okay, well... night, Mrs. S.
Good night, Benny, thank you.
- You want coffee?
- No.