The Sopranos (1999–2007): Season 2, Episode 13 - Funhouse - full transcript
Meadow's graduation is finally at hand and she decides on which college to attend. Tony is having something of a rough time with a severe bout of food poisoning. In his sick bed, he has interesting dreams about those around him. He also finds Pussy's wire so they go fishing along with Sylvio and Paulie. Pussy won't return. Tony is arrested at home when his mother Livia and her sister are stopped at the airport with stolen airline tickets. At Meadow's graduation, Tony has a final chat with David Scatino, the man whose gambling debts to Tony and Richie Aprile led to his ruin.
- Have some eggplant.
- I told you, I'm not hungry.
You won't even accept food
from your mother!
Will you please stick to the topic?
Oh, sure, sure.
You believe that uncle of yours.
I never conspired with him.
I wish you'd tell me
what you're talking about.
- Ask your brother.
- I'm here...
...to get you settled
now with Janice gone.
Barbara asked me here. Beyond that,
I got nothing to say to you!
You can't come live with us.
I'm sorry...
...but Tom won't allow it.
- Janice was right.
I won't go back to that place!
You're right. They won't
have you back at Green Grove.
- She was abusive to the staff!
- Maybe Tom and I should just...
No, no, no, no.
Don't listen to the manipulation.
You got your own life.
If you had a mother that had
one shred of gratitude in her.
- But you don't.
- She's learning from your wife.
That is outrageous!
Carmela asked you how many fucking
times to come live with us!
Well, he's gone.
Nice work, Ma.
Carmela's been so sweet to you.
I gotta hear this shit
all the fucking time!
What are you doing?
You're not gonna live with her.
There's two tickets.
Stay with Aunt Gemma in Tucson.
Take Aunt Quinn, the other miserabile.
That's all you get from me.
- My sister Quintina won't fly.
- Throw her out on the fucking tarmac!
To business.
- How we doing?
- All right.
Madonna.
- Missed a great meal too.
- Fantastic. Indian food.
- That envelope's just the first week.
- I love it!
- Patsy in?
- He's looking for you.
Fuck, they got
the fried zucchini flowers.
It's fantastic. It's stuffed
with the melted dry ricotta.
- Help yourself, you fat fuck.
- They good?
You too? Anybody else?
How about you?
Want some?
Tell Arthur to send out
two more plates.
- And some zuppa di mussels.
- You got it.
So telecommunications, once again,
fails to disappoint?
- What's this thing?
- Telephone calling cards.
You find a front man
to get a line of credit.
You buy a couple
of million units of time.
You become Acme Telephone
Card Company.
The business of selling
prepaid calling cards.
Immigrants especially, no offense,
always call home to wherever the fuck.
And it's expensive.
You sell thousands of these cards
to the greedy pricks.
Cards at a cut rate. But you bought
the bulk time on credit.
The carrier gets stiffed. He cuts off
service to the cardholders.
- But you already sold all your cards.
- That's fucking beautiful!
That's a good one.
Oh, Prince Rogaine!
There you go, some zuppa di mussels.
And Tony? The last dozen flowers.
Have these for
Meadow's graduation party.
Hey, those are some colleges
she got into, your kid.
Yeah, you must be very proud.
Holy Cross! I mean, Heather didn't
exactly walk away with lo cazzo.
Excuse me.
- I give Carmela all the credit.
- You had a hand in it too.
Cheers.
Things are good. What the fuck?
Richie Aprile is
in the Bermuda Triangle.
All my enemies are smoked.
- Oh, oh, oh!
- Hey, Patsy!
What the fuck?
Don't bring that in here.
Wait outside in the car.
What did I say? In the car.
You're still up.
Gifts for grad night. What's that?
Oh, it's a Vestimenta suit.
I got a price.
It looks fatter than a suit.
I hate how air gets trapped inside
the suit bag when you zip it up.
- Don't you hate that?
- What? What do you want?
Air in the bag.
The only thing to do
is unzip it a little.
Let the air out.
Holy shit!
- My suit's growing a fucking beard!
- Will you let me work?
Growing a beard
or a merkin or something.
- It's fucking alive! It's alive!
- Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Tony, what did you do?
It's for you.
Oh, my God!
Yeah. We're having a good week.
You look beautiful, Carm.
Come here.
You believe this shit? Fucking June.
My daughter graduates in a week.
Spring snow. Happened when
my parents got married. Won't last.
- So they here yet?
- Not yet.
Ton.
I'm sorry.
- When they make the diagnosis?
- About a month ago.
- The wife and kids know?
- No.
And there's nothing
they can do for you?
The various protocols
to date are ineffective.
What could I say?
You have my sympathy.
September 5th. That's how long
they've given him to live.
But instead of waiting until then,
he's gonna light himself on fire.
- Yeah.
- Is that balls of concrete or what?
- Very considerate.
- How many guys will do that for you?
Spare you all those fucking visits
to the hospital.
By the way, Patsy,
coat went over big. She loved it.
I'm Philly.
Sorry. Right.
Philly, yeah.
Thought you were your brother.
I just bought a sable off him.
I'm sorry I had to do that.
Fuck this.
They're never coming.
Where's Pussy?
Hey, Ton.
What if these doctors are wrong?
Carm.
Why don't I just fucking kill myself?
I never been so fucking depressed.
Tony?
It's all right. Go back to bed.
No, no, no, what? What now?
- It's all a big nothing.
- What is?
Life.
That is your mother talking.
Everything's black.
Well, you have a tendency
towards depression. Yes.
But listen to me, everything's gonna
be all right. I'm here, I'm with you.
The kids are safe in their beds.
They love you.
- Wait.
- What?
Wait, it's coming from here.
It's not my fucking head.
It's my stomach.
I'm nauseous! Oh, Jesus! Oh, fuck!
Oh, fuck, it's the chicken vindaloo!
Fucking motherfucking wogs!
- Mom, what's going on?
- Your father is sick.
- Oh, my God, Daddy! What happened?
- He went to an Indian restaurant.
That is so racist!
Who's letting those big ones?
There better be Coke left
in that fridge is all I can say.
How'd it go?
- Was Sundeep there?
- Yeah.
My whole cut.
Here.
- What's the matter?
- What's the matter?
I know. Tony's your best friend.
President Franklin is my best friend,
and he's in there.
Look, some cooperators,
when they get their new identity...
...they do pretty fucking good.
One snitch became
garbage commissioner...
...of a good-sized city in Florida.
- You all right?
- Yeah. It's all out of there.
Here.
Here. Small sips.
Wondered about that chicken.
Probably a fucking cocker spaniel.
Stop it, Tony. Here, lie back.
Well, you feel a little hot.
Fucking goddess with the six arms.
No wonder.
Here.
Sip. I said sip, Tony.
What?
So do you still like your coat?
I love my coat.
Where are you going?
I don't know.
- What are you looking for?
- Somebody's looking for me.
Who?
I don't know.
"Our true enemy has yet
to reveal himself. "
Three hearts and a seven. Queen bets.
- Here.
- Make it a dime.
Tony, are you up yet?
How are you feeling?
Had fucked-up dreams last night.
Fever dreams.
I shot this guy.
He's a friend of mine.
Now in real life, he does
some things that annoy me.
Every Christmas, he sends reports of
what his nieces and nephews have done.
Who got into West Point.
Who got a hole in one.
And he hums.
TV commercials.
Drives me fucking crazy.
But he's one of my best guys.
A terrific earner.
So why the fuck would I do that?
I was filled with...
- Anger.
- Yeah, right. You know everything.
You've never dealt with your anger.
Look at the cost.
You are the biggest threat
to yourself.
But that's what being human is.
But some people are more
self-destructive than others.
- You gonna make me eat something now?
- Maybe.
- If you keep this up.
- No.
I'm dying!
I'm gonna cover you
with this blanket, okay?
- I don't want you to see me like this.
- Oh, please.
I'm fucking freezing!
Your teeth are chattering.
Want to go back into bed?
You might as well just leave me here.
Motherfucking fucking...
I think you have food poisoning.
- Fucking dreams. Jesus Christ!
- Oh, it's all right. It's all right.
- Where is he?
- Who?
Pussy.
Hey! What are you doing here?
Finalize the menu.
Oh, shit! I completely forgot!
Tony had food poisoning all night,
the poor guy.
Oh, hey! It's not from my place!
Was he at Vesuvio last night?
Yeah, but I got an "A" rating. It's...
Of course. Nobody's saying.
- Is that Artie?
- Hey, Ton!
Send him up!
Go to sleep. You don't make
any sense when you talk.
Send him up!
Oh, jeez! You picked up
a bad one somewhere, huh?
Somewhere?
Out of consideration, I should dump
those fucking mussels you gave me...
...before you cause an outbreak!
- Whoa!
I handpick all the shellfish myself!
You smelling them as you pick them
or are you staring off into space?
Worrying about paying your fucking
rent or whatever you worry about!
- That's a serious allegation.
- Nobody's gonna fucking sue you!
This is what I'm saying!
- Tony, you ate mussels?
- Prince Edward Island.
- Top of the line!
- After a whole Indian dinner?
You ate at an Indian restaurant?
There you go.
No, it was the mussels!
They came up undigested!
Then how could they be the cause?
It's where my body shut down!
Self-protection!
You know what they cook with
in Indian restaurants? Ghee.
It's clarified butter.
You get a rancid hit of that...
God! I mean, you can imagine.
When Indira Gandhi got assassinated...
...I was watching when they
broadcast the cremation.
They doused the body
and the funeral pyre...
...in clarified butter
just to get it burning.
- You call Pussy? He had mussels too.
- "Call Pussy. " Some concern, maybe?
I am! I feel very bad for him!
Sal!
It's Arthur Bucco.
What the fuck?
- Hello.
- Hey, man, it's Artie.
Yeah, I know. What's up?
Listen, I'm at the Sopranos' house.
Tony's green around the gills.
Flu, I think.
But maybe he ate something
didn't agree with him.
- What, food poisoning?
- No. What, salmonella?
No!
But he had a reaction.
You guys ate at an Indian restaurant.
It would help if we knew.
You have any symptoms?
No.
Well, once during the night,
I did have a slight touch of diarrhea.
- But that's all. It passed.
- Nothing.
Touch of diarrhea.
- You motherfucker.
- A touch! Nothing! Right, Puss?
Not what Tony has.
Like from bad shellfish or anything.
Am I gonna get sick now?
No!
Did you guys eat the same thing
at the Indian restaurant?
Well, we both had the pappadams,
but different courses.
Both had the pappadams,
different entrees.
Stop talking about food.
Okay, Puss.
Yeah, I'm sorry to bother you.
Okay, thanks a lot. Okay.
I'm sorry, Tony,
but I feel vindicated.
I can't get off the boardwalk.
I'm gonna call Dr. Cusamano.
This is worrying me now.
Poor son of a bitch.
- Oh, what, you gotta go again?
- Oh, just let me die!
Come on.
Come on, up, up, up!
- Where we headed?
- This way.
Ladies and gentlemen,
soon we'll begin...
...general boarding of Flight 129
with nonstop service to Tucson.
We'd like to board
our first-class passengers...
...and those with young children
and those requiring assistance.
- You can't understand a word they say.
- Aw, go on!
Livia Soprano?
Oh, Pussy.
Come on in.
So.
Who's your friend?
Pussy?
- I'm confused.
- Isn't Pussy your friend?
But that's the friend that was almost
carried off by the ducks, right?
The worst part of this is, it's one
of those times I know I'm dreaming.
Let's look at it.
When you say "Pussy,"
you mean my friend Pussy...
...or, you know, pussy?
Whatever seems to be
dominating your thoughts.
I got pussy on the brain.
I always do.
I want to fuck you.
I always did. "Do. "
I said that the first time we met.
- I find you immensely attractive.
- Thought I repulsed you.
You make an effort to repulse me.
But you like that.
You just said you find me attractive.
You're the one that's fucked up.
Anthony, Anthony.
What are we gonna do with you?
What's he smiling at?
No, he's gritting his teeth.
He's freezing.
Tony.
Hey, guy. Not feeling too good, huh?
- I'm dying!
- Oh, no.
You got a case of E. Coli or
campylobacter. But you'll be fine.
- Let me die!
- Should we maybe go to the hospital?
- Nothing we'd do.
- Pump his stomach?
Not with this.
He should suck ice chips. It's good
for the fever. Keeps him hydrated.
- Anyhoo...
- Fucking ragheads!
I don't think so, Tony.
Those spices kill microbial agents.
Very smart.
That fucking Artie Bucco then!
Meadow's graduation is tomorrow.
Hey, Ton!
How's it going?
- You didn't get sick?
- Nah.
- How much you weigh?
- Eight pounds.
- Lost a lot of weight.
- Swimming.
The best exercise.
Works every muscle group.
Get the fuck out of here.
You never exercised once.
Anyway, I'm $4 a pound.
You know I've been working
with the government, right?
Don't say it.
Come on, Ton.
Sooner or later, you gotta face facts.
- I don't want to hear it.
- You're gonna hear it.
- Fuck.
- You passed me over for promotion.
You knew.
- How much shit you give them?
- A lot.
Jesus, Puss.
- Fuck of a way for it all to end, huh?
- Yeah.
Yeah.
These guys, on either side of me?
- They're asleep.
- Don't say that.
It's not fucking funny.
I want to see you flopping
around down there!
No way, Tony!
- Get your ass back in bed!
- Cramps are gone. I gotta go out.
- Help me with this.
- Tony, you are out of your mind!
I brought consomm?. I wasn't
even sure you could handle it.
God help you if your head is in that
bowl for graduation. I won't!
- Tony!
- Hi, Ang. How you doing?
- Good, good. How are you?
- Madonna, my poor ass.
- Is the man at home?
- He's still sleeping. I'll get him.
Give me a minute, Ang!
Hey, Tony! How you feeling?
- Better.
- Good. You look better.
Than I thought you would.
Artie called.
Hopalong, how you doing?
- Can't complain.
- Want some coffee?
I got a call about a boat, Sea Ray 50.
I want you guys' opinion on it.
What, now?
The owner's got two offers. I gotta
decide this morning. Cuban guy.
- Oh, yeah. Okay.
- Just throw some clothes on. Come on.
Okay.
Oh, Jesus.
Round 12.
You know, I could use
that cup of coffee.
Yeah, right.
We don't need to see this.
I promised Gab I'd get
10 bags of garden mulch...
...before I did anything today.
See? And you're sitting there?
Shame on you.
How long's he taking?
I'm looking forward
to the graduation party.
Who's ready to go buy a boat?
Might as well tell you now.
I bought the most
beautiful boat today.
- Cool. The 50-footer?
- The very same.
I might as well tell you.
I decided on Columbia.
Oh!
You want?
It's a little early in the day, no?
Sea legs.
Yeah, what the fuck.
Sure you want to go out today, T?
Just getting over the trots.
Time and tide wait for no man, right?
Got a decent displacement
for its size.
- Puts out about 700 horsepower.
- Beautiful.
I've been waiting 40 minutes.
The Cuban's with the harbor master.
But we're free to give it a spin.
Come on, Puss.
Rides nice.
Let's go down below,
check out the mahogany.
Come on.
Look at this.
Take a seat, Puss.
Should we test the anchor?
See how she holds?
Later.
Yeah, right.
Why you making me do this, you fat
fucking miserable piece of shit?
What, Tony?
When did they flip you?
Tell me. Don't lie.
Flip?
Who? What?
They had me, Tony.
I was going away for pushing H.
- How long?
- Thirty to life. I had no choice.
How long? How much do they know?
A year and a half. No. Less.
A year and a fucking half
you been gossiping?
Motherfucker!
Let me explain.
I fed them bullshit. Nothing!
Whatchamacallit, disinformation.
So I could live!
Keep earning on any
subsistence level whatsoever.
I would do nothing, Tony,
to put you in harm's way! All of you!
That how they heard
about the Bevilaqua hit?
- Because you did nothing.
- On my mother's eyes, that wasn't me!
- Little things! Picayune shit!
- Be specific.
- They know about the calling cards.
- I'm not in that. But what else?
That's it. That is, recently.
What, not recently?
I'm thinking.
That fucking noise!
Where are you going?
The other shit amounted to nothing.
I've been careful!
I'm mind-fucking these donkeys
like you wouldn't believe!
Webistics?
Oh, Jesus Christ.
But mostly I talked up
the Scatino bust-out.
Nothing federal that'll link you.
They need serial numbers.
I'm telling you. This disinformation
shit is an effective technique!
It's a frigging ace!
What's the matter with you?
It's this fucking swell.
I'm sick.
You don't see me all fucked up.
- Don't yell at me!
- I'll fucking yell at you!
We got any good tequila?
You know that acupuncturist
down in Puerto Rico?
Twenty-six.
I tell you, this broad's ass
was the second coming.
Never wore panties.
Brushed her teeth with this.
Every night she'd drink me
under the fucking table.
I'd eat her out
while I was down there.
Hey, Puss.
She even really exist?
Fucked up.
Not in the face, okay?
You'll give me that? Huh?
- Keep my eyes?
- You were like a brother to me.
To all of us.
Yeah.
I'm starting to feel it now too.
My inner ear balance is off.
What?
Jesus Christ.
I gotta sit down.
I feel like I can't stand.
Is that okay, Tony? That I sit?
Get the weights.
You won't forget to go
to CompWorld to get the gift?
I could've got her one
with a smaller screen for free.
Don't snap at me, okay?
Don't press your luck
with this diarrhea.
- Can't shake it.
- Well, whose fault is that?
- Hello.
- Put Anthony on.
Don't call here.
I am at Newark Airport.
We've been held here...
...since 9:00 this morning.
She's still at the airport.
- Tough shit.
- Go get Anthony. I need a lawyer.
I'm in airport security.
She's at airport security.
I can't do it. I can't call.
I don't know what to do.
They say that Anthony gave me
a stolen ticket.
They're gonna call the FBI.
Here. You better... I don't know.
The fun never stops.
- What?
- Anthony, the tickets are stolen.
What the fuck? What did you say?
Did you?
Someone will pick you up, but I
don't know what you're talking about.
Okay?
Jesus Christ. How fucking hard
is it to get on an airplane?
- What do you want?
- Agent Harris.
Anthony Soprano, we have a warrant
to search your house...
...property and family vehicle.
- What are you looking for?
- Stolen airline tickets...
...constituting mail fraud, wire
fraud and any other federal violation.
- Let's see your warrant.
- You can also see the tickets.
We found them in your Suburban.
- You have the right to remain silent.
- Talk to my lawyer.
- You have the right to an attorney.
- What are you, a fucking parrot?
We're entitled to search
the rest of the domicile.
Let's go.
Michael, over here.
Our daughter
is graduating high school.
You can't wait a few days
to persecute him? To persecute us?
Jerry, get the door.
I'm gonna keep trying Mink, all right?
I don't trust that secretary.
- Oh, my God!
- Med, it's all right.
- I'll be home soon. Don't worry.
- I'm graduating tomorrow!
- Let's get out of here.
- Yeah, we should go.
You guys need another picture
of me for your wallets?
Other hand.
Tony Soprano, weak in the knees.
Can't stand the heat?
I got food poisoning.
You think this bothers me,
you fuckhead?
This way.
I gotta tell you, Frank.
I'd forget about any deli trays
coming your way in the future.
Meadow, are you sleeping?
Yes.
I want to talk to you.
God, am I so not going to miss this.
You have to see
that your father means well.
He's given his life for you,
for your brother...
...for us.
All I'm saying...
How you reacted downstairs, and now
you're sitting up here by yourself?
I know it embarrassed you but...
If you ever want to talk...
This is who Dad is.
My friends don't judge me.
And fuck them if they do.
I'll cut them off.
I knew I was giving her a bad ticket.
That voice... That voice...
It's done, Tony. Over.
My advice now is to put it behind you.
If 23 tickets is all they have...
...they don't have bupkes.
And they know it.
I know it's a small thing, but see,
that's the fucking point.
One more minute.
If I could've just said:
"Yes, Ma. Okay, Ma. I hear you, Ma. "
One more fucking minute,
I wouldn't be in this spot.
I beat a homicide
and now I fucked up, Neal.
I blew an easy one.
I blew everything!
- Tony...
- No fucking "Tony. "
We got fucking federal charges.
We got the FAA.
Before this is over, they'll pin that
Egypt Air thing on me and you know it!
We got predicates up the ass.
The fucking RICO case.
Thirty to life.
Don't think about that now, Anthony.
You'll make bail.
There's no capital crimes.
Get on with life.
My mother. My fucking,
goddamn idiot of a mother.
It's like she was never married
to Johnny Soprano.
Is there something else
bothering you, Anthony?
That's not enough?
Fucking demented old bat!
You're so angry with your mother
and the airline tickets.
And I'm not saying
that it's not serious.
But a year ago your mother
colluded to have you killed.
Yet you never say "boo" about that.
Even when I try to elicit.
If she tried to have you
killed a year ago...
...believe me, in your childhood...
...she's inflicted serious psychic
injuries that are still there.
Poor me.
The gangster, tough guy.
But did he protect you kids
from this borderline mother?
What the hell was going on there?
What is this?
Little snacks for thought
for me to take home?
I haven't pushed you enough
to confront these things.
Somewhere along the line,
I became frightened of you.
Frightened?
Maybe I should've seen that
in the beginning.
Maybe, baby.
Rage, Anthony...
...is a big, loud, flaming
self-distraction...
...from feelings that are
even more frightening.
What feelings might those be?
Sadness.
You go off on a racist rant
about Indian food...
...your "demented old bat" of a mother.
- What else has happened?
- Nothing.
After two years treating you,
I've learned things.
And I pick up sorrow coming from you.
I had a dream I fucked
your brains out. Right on that desk.
- You loved it.
- You threw that at me like a rock.
Sadness, Anthony, stay with that.
Mommy tried to kill you
and you gave her airline tickets.
- Fuck you.
- Now you're really in trouble.
I'm gonna beat this shit,
you kidding me?
And with that...
Anthony?
Scott Richard Sipronowski.
Meadow Mariangela Soprano.
Jonathan Tiffin.
Anthony Tomasello.
It's fucking graduation day, so I
might as well take this opportunity.
I'm proposing to you
to get your button.
I fucking deserve it.
Got no spleen, Gene.
Congratulations.
Thank you, thank you.
You look beautiful.
What the fuck?
That's right. Get an education.
That's what I always said.
Excuse us. Carmela sees you,
she's gonna cut you a new asshole.
I'm leaving.
It's great to see
your kid graduate, huh?
The youth. That's what's important.
- What we do is small potatoes.
- And Eric. State College, right?
He got accepted at Georgetown.
It's a little money pinch.
- I heard you and Charlene split up...
- Christine.
I'm getting the fuck out of here.
I got a job on a ranch out West.
What? Don't make me fucking laugh!
Hey, I lived in New Mexico
until I was 11.
- Hey, you ever try riding?
- No.
The airlines are running specials
nonstop into Nevada.
Fly right into Vegas.
Half-hour's drive.
You should come hang out. New day.
Vegas, huh?
All right, Davey.
Take care of yourself. Drive safe.
I'm so proud of you. My little baby.
Sal knew it was today. I told him.
He's so self-centered.
There you go, sweetheart.
Give me that face.
- I told you, I'm not hungry.
You won't even accept food
from your mother!
Will you please stick to the topic?
Oh, sure, sure.
You believe that uncle of yours.
I never conspired with him.
I wish you'd tell me
what you're talking about.
- Ask your brother.
- I'm here...
...to get you settled
now with Janice gone.
Barbara asked me here. Beyond that,
I got nothing to say to you!
You can't come live with us.
I'm sorry...
...but Tom won't allow it.
- Janice was right.
I won't go back to that place!
You're right. They won't
have you back at Green Grove.
- She was abusive to the staff!
- Maybe Tom and I should just...
No, no, no, no.
Don't listen to the manipulation.
You got your own life.
If you had a mother that had
one shred of gratitude in her.
- But you don't.
- She's learning from your wife.
That is outrageous!
Carmela asked you how many fucking
times to come live with us!
Well, he's gone.
Nice work, Ma.
Carmela's been so sweet to you.
I gotta hear this shit
all the fucking time!
What are you doing?
You're not gonna live with her.
There's two tickets.
Stay with Aunt Gemma in Tucson.
Take Aunt Quinn, the other miserabile.
That's all you get from me.
- My sister Quintina won't fly.
- Throw her out on the fucking tarmac!
To business.
- How we doing?
- All right.
Madonna.
- Missed a great meal too.
- Fantastic. Indian food.
- That envelope's just the first week.
- I love it!
- Patsy in?
- He's looking for you.
Fuck, they got
the fried zucchini flowers.
It's fantastic. It's stuffed
with the melted dry ricotta.
- Help yourself, you fat fuck.
- They good?
You too? Anybody else?
How about you?
Want some?
Tell Arthur to send out
two more plates.
- And some zuppa di mussels.
- You got it.
So telecommunications, once again,
fails to disappoint?
- What's this thing?
- Telephone calling cards.
You find a front man
to get a line of credit.
You buy a couple
of million units of time.
You become Acme Telephone
Card Company.
The business of selling
prepaid calling cards.
Immigrants especially, no offense,
always call home to wherever the fuck.
And it's expensive.
You sell thousands of these cards
to the greedy pricks.
Cards at a cut rate. But you bought
the bulk time on credit.
The carrier gets stiffed. He cuts off
service to the cardholders.
- But you already sold all your cards.
- That's fucking beautiful!
That's a good one.
Oh, Prince Rogaine!
There you go, some zuppa di mussels.
And Tony? The last dozen flowers.
Have these for
Meadow's graduation party.
Hey, those are some colleges
she got into, your kid.
Yeah, you must be very proud.
Holy Cross! I mean, Heather didn't
exactly walk away with lo cazzo.
Excuse me.
- I give Carmela all the credit.
- You had a hand in it too.
Cheers.
Things are good. What the fuck?
Richie Aprile is
in the Bermuda Triangle.
All my enemies are smoked.
- Oh, oh, oh!
- Hey, Patsy!
What the fuck?
Don't bring that in here.
Wait outside in the car.
What did I say? In the car.
You're still up.
Gifts for grad night. What's that?
Oh, it's a Vestimenta suit.
I got a price.
It looks fatter than a suit.
I hate how air gets trapped inside
the suit bag when you zip it up.
- Don't you hate that?
- What? What do you want?
Air in the bag.
The only thing to do
is unzip it a little.
Let the air out.
Holy shit!
- My suit's growing a fucking beard!
- Will you let me work?
Growing a beard
or a merkin or something.
- It's fucking alive! It's alive!
- Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Tony, what did you do?
It's for you.
Oh, my God!
Yeah. We're having a good week.
You look beautiful, Carm.
Come here.
You believe this shit? Fucking June.
My daughter graduates in a week.
Spring snow. Happened when
my parents got married. Won't last.
- So they here yet?
- Not yet.
Ton.
I'm sorry.
- When they make the diagnosis?
- About a month ago.
- The wife and kids know?
- No.
And there's nothing
they can do for you?
The various protocols
to date are ineffective.
What could I say?
You have my sympathy.
September 5th. That's how long
they've given him to live.
But instead of waiting until then,
he's gonna light himself on fire.
- Yeah.
- Is that balls of concrete or what?
- Very considerate.
- How many guys will do that for you?
Spare you all those fucking visits
to the hospital.
By the way, Patsy,
coat went over big. She loved it.
I'm Philly.
Sorry. Right.
Philly, yeah.
Thought you were your brother.
I just bought a sable off him.
I'm sorry I had to do that.
Fuck this.
They're never coming.
Where's Pussy?
Hey, Ton.
What if these doctors are wrong?
Carm.
Why don't I just fucking kill myself?
I never been so fucking depressed.
Tony?
It's all right. Go back to bed.
No, no, no, what? What now?
- It's all a big nothing.
- What is?
Life.
That is your mother talking.
Everything's black.
Well, you have a tendency
towards depression. Yes.
But listen to me, everything's gonna
be all right. I'm here, I'm with you.
The kids are safe in their beds.
They love you.
- Wait.
- What?
Wait, it's coming from here.
It's not my fucking head.
It's my stomach.
I'm nauseous! Oh, Jesus! Oh, fuck!
Oh, fuck, it's the chicken vindaloo!
Fucking motherfucking wogs!
- Mom, what's going on?
- Your father is sick.
- Oh, my God, Daddy! What happened?
- He went to an Indian restaurant.
That is so racist!
Who's letting those big ones?
There better be Coke left
in that fridge is all I can say.
How'd it go?
- Was Sundeep there?
- Yeah.
My whole cut.
Here.
- What's the matter?
- What's the matter?
I know. Tony's your best friend.
President Franklin is my best friend,
and he's in there.
Look, some cooperators,
when they get their new identity...
...they do pretty fucking good.
One snitch became
garbage commissioner...
...of a good-sized city in Florida.
- You all right?
- Yeah. It's all out of there.
Here.
Here. Small sips.
Wondered about that chicken.
Probably a fucking cocker spaniel.
Stop it, Tony. Here, lie back.
Well, you feel a little hot.
Fucking goddess with the six arms.
No wonder.
Here.
Sip. I said sip, Tony.
What?
So do you still like your coat?
I love my coat.
Where are you going?
I don't know.
- What are you looking for?
- Somebody's looking for me.
Who?
I don't know.
"Our true enemy has yet
to reveal himself. "
Three hearts and a seven. Queen bets.
- Here.
- Make it a dime.
Tony, are you up yet?
How are you feeling?
Had fucked-up dreams last night.
Fever dreams.
I shot this guy.
He's a friend of mine.
Now in real life, he does
some things that annoy me.
Every Christmas, he sends reports of
what his nieces and nephews have done.
Who got into West Point.
Who got a hole in one.
And he hums.
TV commercials.
Drives me fucking crazy.
But he's one of my best guys.
A terrific earner.
So why the fuck would I do that?
I was filled with...
- Anger.
- Yeah, right. You know everything.
You've never dealt with your anger.
Look at the cost.
You are the biggest threat
to yourself.
But that's what being human is.
But some people are more
self-destructive than others.
- You gonna make me eat something now?
- Maybe.
- If you keep this up.
- No.
I'm dying!
I'm gonna cover you
with this blanket, okay?
- I don't want you to see me like this.
- Oh, please.
I'm fucking freezing!
Your teeth are chattering.
Want to go back into bed?
You might as well just leave me here.
Motherfucking fucking...
I think you have food poisoning.
- Fucking dreams. Jesus Christ!
- Oh, it's all right. It's all right.
- Where is he?
- Who?
Pussy.
Hey! What are you doing here?
Finalize the menu.
Oh, shit! I completely forgot!
Tony had food poisoning all night,
the poor guy.
Oh, hey! It's not from my place!
Was he at Vesuvio last night?
Yeah, but I got an "A" rating. It's...
Of course. Nobody's saying.
- Is that Artie?
- Hey, Ton!
Send him up!
Go to sleep. You don't make
any sense when you talk.
Send him up!
Oh, jeez! You picked up
a bad one somewhere, huh?
Somewhere?
Out of consideration, I should dump
those fucking mussels you gave me...
...before you cause an outbreak!
- Whoa!
I handpick all the shellfish myself!
You smelling them as you pick them
or are you staring off into space?
Worrying about paying your fucking
rent or whatever you worry about!
- That's a serious allegation.
- Nobody's gonna fucking sue you!
This is what I'm saying!
- Tony, you ate mussels?
- Prince Edward Island.
- Top of the line!
- After a whole Indian dinner?
You ate at an Indian restaurant?
There you go.
No, it was the mussels!
They came up undigested!
Then how could they be the cause?
It's where my body shut down!
Self-protection!
You know what they cook with
in Indian restaurants? Ghee.
It's clarified butter.
You get a rancid hit of that...
God! I mean, you can imagine.
When Indira Gandhi got assassinated...
...I was watching when they
broadcast the cremation.
They doused the body
and the funeral pyre...
...in clarified butter
just to get it burning.
- You call Pussy? He had mussels too.
- "Call Pussy. " Some concern, maybe?
I am! I feel very bad for him!
Sal!
It's Arthur Bucco.
What the fuck?
- Hello.
- Hey, man, it's Artie.
Yeah, I know. What's up?
Listen, I'm at the Sopranos' house.
Tony's green around the gills.
Flu, I think.
But maybe he ate something
didn't agree with him.
- What, food poisoning?
- No. What, salmonella?
No!
But he had a reaction.
You guys ate at an Indian restaurant.
It would help if we knew.
You have any symptoms?
No.
Well, once during the night,
I did have a slight touch of diarrhea.
- But that's all. It passed.
- Nothing.
Touch of diarrhea.
- You motherfucker.
- A touch! Nothing! Right, Puss?
Not what Tony has.
Like from bad shellfish or anything.
Am I gonna get sick now?
No!
Did you guys eat the same thing
at the Indian restaurant?
Well, we both had the pappadams,
but different courses.
Both had the pappadams,
different entrees.
Stop talking about food.
Okay, Puss.
Yeah, I'm sorry to bother you.
Okay, thanks a lot. Okay.
I'm sorry, Tony,
but I feel vindicated.
I can't get off the boardwalk.
I'm gonna call Dr. Cusamano.
This is worrying me now.
Poor son of a bitch.
- Oh, what, you gotta go again?
- Oh, just let me die!
Come on.
Come on, up, up, up!
- Where we headed?
- This way.
Ladies and gentlemen,
soon we'll begin...
...general boarding of Flight 129
with nonstop service to Tucson.
We'd like to board
our first-class passengers...
...and those with young children
and those requiring assistance.
- You can't understand a word they say.
- Aw, go on!
Livia Soprano?
Oh, Pussy.
Come on in.
So.
Who's your friend?
Pussy?
- I'm confused.
- Isn't Pussy your friend?
But that's the friend that was almost
carried off by the ducks, right?
The worst part of this is, it's one
of those times I know I'm dreaming.
Let's look at it.
When you say "Pussy,"
you mean my friend Pussy...
...or, you know, pussy?
Whatever seems to be
dominating your thoughts.
I got pussy on the brain.
I always do.
I want to fuck you.
I always did. "Do. "
I said that the first time we met.
- I find you immensely attractive.
- Thought I repulsed you.
You make an effort to repulse me.
But you like that.
You just said you find me attractive.
You're the one that's fucked up.
Anthony, Anthony.
What are we gonna do with you?
What's he smiling at?
No, he's gritting his teeth.
He's freezing.
Tony.
Hey, guy. Not feeling too good, huh?
- I'm dying!
- Oh, no.
You got a case of E. Coli or
campylobacter. But you'll be fine.
- Let me die!
- Should we maybe go to the hospital?
- Nothing we'd do.
- Pump his stomach?
Not with this.
He should suck ice chips. It's good
for the fever. Keeps him hydrated.
- Anyhoo...
- Fucking ragheads!
I don't think so, Tony.
Those spices kill microbial agents.
Very smart.
That fucking Artie Bucco then!
Meadow's graduation is tomorrow.
Hey, Ton!
How's it going?
- You didn't get sick?
- Nah.
- How much you weigh?
- Eight pounds.
- Lost a lot of weight.
- Swimming.
The best exercise.
Works every muscle group.
Get the fuck out of here.
You never exercised once.
Anyway, I'm $4 a pound.
You know I've been working
with the government, right?
Don't say it.
Come on, Ton.
Sooner or later, you gotta face facts.
- I don't want to hear it.
- You're gonna hear it.
- Fuck.
- You passed me over for promotion.
You knew.
- How much shit you give them?
- A lot.
Jesus, Puss.
- Fuck of a way for it all to end, huh?
- Yeah.
Yeah.
These guys, on either side of me?
- They're asleep.
- Don't say that.
It's not fucking funny.
I want to see you flopping
around down there!
No way, Tony!
- Get your ass back in bed!
- Cramps are gone. I gotta go out.
- Help me with this.
- Tony, you are out of your mind!
I brought consomm?. I wasn't
even sure you could handle it.
God help you if your head is in that
bowl for graduation. I won't!
- Tony!
- Hi, Ang. How you doing?
- Good, good. How are you?
- Madonna, my poor ass.
- Is the man at home?
- He's still sleeping. I'll get him.
Give me a minute, Ang!
Hey, Tony! How you feeling?
- Better.
- Good. You look better.
Than I thought you would.
Artie called.
Hopalong, how you doing?
- Can't complain.
- Want some coffee?
I got a call about a boat, Sea Ray 50.
I want you guys' opinion on it.
What, now?
The owner's got two offers. I gotta
decide this morning. Cuban guy.
- Oh, yeah. Okay.
- Just throw some clothes on. Come on.
Okay.
Oh, Jesus.
Round 12.
You know, I could use
that cup of coffee.
Yeah, right.
We don't need to see this.
I promised Gab I'd get
10 bags of garden mulch...
...before I did anything today.
See? And you're sitting there?
Shame on you.
How long's he taking?
I'm looking forward
to the graduation party.
Who's ready to go buy a boat?
Might as well tell you now.
I bought the most
beautiful boat today.
- Cool. The 50-footer?
- The very same.
I might as well tell you.
I decided on Columbia.
Oh!
You want?
It's a little early in the day, no?
Sea legs.
Yeah, what the fuck.
Sure you want to go out today, T?
Just getting over the trots.
Time and tide wait for no man, right?
Got a decent displacement
for its size.
- Puts out about 700 horsepower.
- Beautiful.
I've been waiting 40 minutes.
The Cuban's with the harbor master.
But we're free to give it a spin.
Come on, Puss.
Rides nice.
Let's go down below,
check out the mahogany.
Come on.
Look at this.
Take a seat, Puss.
Should we test the anchor?
See how she holds?
Later.
Yeah, right.
Why you making me do this, you fat
fucking miserable piece of shit?
What, Tony?
When did they flip you?
Tell me. Don't lie.
Flip?
Who? What?
They had me, Tony.
I was going away for pushing H.
- How long?
- Thirty to life. I had no choice.
How long? How much do they know?
A year and a half. No. Less.
A year and a fucking half
you been gossiping?
Motherfucker!
Let me explain.
I fed them bullshit. Nothing!
Whatchamacallit, disinformation.
So I could live!
Keep earning on any
subsistence level whatsoever.
I would do nothing, Tony,
to put you in harm's way! All of you!
That how they heard
about the Bevilaqua hit?
- Because you did nothing.
- On my mother's eyes, that wasn't me!
- Little things! Picayune shit!
- Be specific.
- They know about the calling cards.
- I'm not in that. But what else?
That's it. That is, recently.
What, not recently?
I'm thinking.
That fucking noise!
Where are you going?
The other shit amounted to nothing.
I've been careful!
I'm mind-fucking these donkeys
like you wouldn't believe!
Webistics?
Oh, Jesus Christ.
But mostly I talked up
the Scatino bust-out.
Nothing federal that'll link you.
They need serial numbers.
I'm telling you. This disinformation
shit is an effective technique!
It's a frigging ace!
What's the matter with you?
It's this fucking swell.
I'm sick.
You don't see me all fucked up.
- Don't yell at me!
- I'll fucking yell at you!
We got any good tequila?
You know that acupuncturist
down in Puerto Rico?
Twenty-six.
I tell you, this broad's ass
was the second coming.
Never wore panties.
Brushed her teeth with this.
Every night she'd drink me
under the fucking table.
I'd eat her out
while I was down there.
Hey, Puss.
She even really exist?
Fucked up.
Not in the face, okay?
You'll give me that? Huh?
- Keep my eyes?
- You were like a brother to me.
To all of us.
Yeah.
I'm starting to feel it now too.
My inner ear balance is off.
What?
Jesus Christ.
I gotta sit down.
I feel like I can't stand.
Is that okay, Tony? That I sit?
Get the weights.
You won't forget to go
to CompWorld to get the gift?
I could've got her one
with a smaller screen for free.
Don't snap at me, okay?
Don't press your luck
with this diarrhea.
- Can't shake it.
- Well, whose fault is that?
- Hello.
- Put Anthony on.
Don't call here.
I am at Newark Airport.
We've been held here...
...since 9:00 this morning.
She's still at the airport.
- Tough shit.
- Go get Anthony. I need a lawyer.
I'm in airport security.
She's at airport security.
I can't do it. I can't call.
I don't know what to do.
They say that Anthony gave me
a stolen ticket.
They're gonna call the FBI.
Here. You better... I don't know.
The fun never stops.
- What?
- Anthony, the tickets are stolen.
What the fuck? What did you say?
Did you?
Someone will pick you up, but I
don't know what you're talking about.
Okay?
Jesus Christ. How fucking hard
is it to get on an airplane?
- What do you want?
- Agent Harris.
Anthony Soprano, we have a warrant
to search your house...
...property and family vehicle.
- What are you looking for?
- Stolen airline tickets...
...constituting mail fraud, wire
fraud and any other federal violation.
- Let's see your warrant.
- You can also see the tickets.
We found them in your Suburban.
- You have the right to remain silent.
- Talk to my lawyer.
- You have the right to an attorney.
- What are you, a fucking parrot?
We're entitled to search
the rest of the domicile.
Let's go.
Michael, over here.
Our daughter
is graduating high school.
You can't wait a few days
to persecute him? To persecute us?
Jerry, get the door.
I'm gonna keep trying Mink, all right?
I don't trust that secretary.
- Oh, my God!
- Med, it's all right.
- I'll be home soon. Don't worry.
- I'm graduating tomorrow!
- Let's get out of here.
- Yeah, we should go.
You guys need another picture
of me for your wallets?
Other hand.
Tony Soprano, weak in the knees.
Can't stand the heat?
I got food poisoning.
You think this bothers me,
you fuckhead?
This way.
I gotta tell you, Frank.
I'd forget about any deli trays
coming your way in the future.
Meadow, are you sleeping?
Yes.
I want to talk to you.
God, am I so not going to miss this.
You have to see
that your father means well.
He's given his life for you,
for your brother...
...for us.
All I'm saying...
How you reacted downstairs, and now
you're sitting up here by yourself?
I know it embarrassed you but...
If you ever want to talk...
This is who Dad is.
My friends don't judge me.
And fuck them if they do.
I'll cut them off.
I knew I was giving her a bad ticket.
That voice... That voice...
It's done, Tony. Over.
My advice now is to put it behind you.
If 23 tickets is all they have...
...they don't have bupkes.
And they know it.
I know it's a small thing, but see,
that's the fucking point.
One more minute.
If I could've just said:
"Yes, Ma. Okay, Ma. I hear you, Ma. "
One more fucking minute,
I wouldn't be in this spot.
I beat a homicide
and now I fucked up, Neal.
I blew an easy one.
I blew everything!
- Tony...
- No fucking "Tony. "
We got fucking federal charges.
We got the FAA.
Before this is over, they'll pin that
Egypt Air thing on me and you know it!
We got predicates up the ass.
The fucking RICO case.
Thirty to life.
Don't think about that now, Anthony.
You'll make bail.
There's no capital crimes.
Get on with life.
My mother. My fucking,
goddamn idiot of a mother.
It's like she was never married
to Johnny Soprano.
Is there something else
bothering you, Anthony?
That's not enough?
Fucking demented old bat!
You're so angry with your mother
and the airline tickets.
And I'm not saying
that it's not serious.
But a year ago your mother
colluded to have you killed.
Yet you never say "boo" about that.
Even when I try to elicit.
If she tried to have you
killed a year ago...
...believe me, in your childhood...
...she's inflicted serious psychic
injuries that are still there.
Poor me.
The gangster, tough guy.
But did he protect you kids
from this borderline mother?
What the hell was going on there?
What is this?
Little snacks for thought
for me to take home?
I haven't pushed you enough
to confront these things.
Somewhere along the line,
I became frightened of you.
Frightened?
Maybe I should've seen that
in the beginning.
Maybe, baby.
Rage, Anthony...
...is a big, loud, flaming
self-distraction...
...from feelings that are
even more frightening.
What feelings might those be?
Sadness.
You go off on a racist rant
about Indian food...
...your "demented old bat" of a mother.
- What else has happened?
- Nothing.
After two years treating you,
I've learned things.
And I pick up sorrow coming from you.
I had a dream I fucked
your brains out. Right on that desk.
- You loved it.
- You threw that at me like a rock.
Sadness, Anthony, stay with that.
Mommy tried to kill you
and you gave her airline tickets.
- Fuck you.
- Now you're really in trouble.
I'm gonna beat this shit,
you kidding me?
And with that...
Anthony?
Scott Richard Sipronowski.
Meadow Mariangela Soprano.
Jonathan Tiffin.
Anthony Tomasello.
It's fucking graduation day, so I
might as well take this opportunity.
I'm proposing to you
to get your button.
I fucking deserve it.
Got no spleen, Gene.
Congratulations.
Thank you, thank you.
You look beautiful.
What the fuck?
That's right. Get an education.
That's what I always said.
Excuse us. Carmela sees you,
she's gonna cut you a new asshole.
I'm leaving.
It's great to see
your kid graduate, huh?
The youth. That's what's important.
- What we do is small potatoes.
- And Eric. State College, right?
He got accepted at Georgetown.
It's a little money pinch.
- I heard you and Charlene split up...
- Christine.
I'm getting the fuck out of here.
I got a job on a ranch out West.
What? Don't make me fucking laugh!
Hey, I lived in New Mexico
until I was 11.
- Hey, you ever try riding?
- No.
The airlines are running specials
nonstop into Nevada.
Fly right into Vegas.
Half-hour's drive.
You should come hang out. New day.
Vegas, huh?
All right, Davey.
Take care of yourself. Drive safe.
I'm so proud of you. My little baby.
Sal knew it was today. I told him.
He's so self-centered.
There you go, sweetheart.
Give me that face.