The Sopranos (1999–2007): Season 1, Episode 6 - Pax Soprana - full transcript

[SAW BUZZES]

VIN:
So...

...you know, usual girl stuff.

She picks up the dry-cleaning
and shops.

Dr. Melfi has excellent taste, she
only shops at the fancy-schmancy deli.

The kind with the Italian name
but they don't have meatballs.

All right, what else?

What am I supposed to be looking for?
What's up with this cooz?

TONY:
It's none of your fucking business.

You're on a strict need-to-know,
lieutenant.

I should knock you out for
what you did to her date.

What? I scared your goomar's date
a little. What's the big deal?

- This guy still come around?
- No.

He's not her type. He's a coward.
He nearly pissed himself.

Anything else?
I don't want to be here all day.

Yesterday she got off
at 9 and she went to bed early.

That's it?

That's it.

Here, buy yourself an iron.

Ready?

Decaf, right?

So how was your college trip
with your daughter?

I tell you, my life is like an
episode of Provolone-something.

What's going on?

My wife. All we do is fight.

And she's jealous of you.

Is that something that you feel or
has it been discussed with Carmela?

She didn't know you were a girl.

You know, a woman.
Excuse me, a doctor.

Woman doctor.

- Why did you take so long to tell her?
- I didn't.

You spilled the beans
when you called.

Let me ask you a different question.
Why a female? Why a female doctor?

She asked the same frigging question,
and I sometimes wonder myself.

- And?
- I'll tell you what I told her.

It was between two Jewish guys and
a paisan. So I picked the paisan.

What's the one thing your mother,
wife and daughter have in common?

They all break my balls.

I know what you mean.
They're all Italian, so what?

So maybe by coming clean with me,
you're dialoguing with them.

Let me ask you a question.

Why do you have me as a patient?

Most legit people I know
wouldn't make eye contact with me.

But you...

...you didn't flinch.

[KNOCKING]

SAMMY: Water's warm, come on in.
MIKEY: Hey, Sammy. How are you?

- I was just gonna make some coffee.
- Yeah?

How's Junior?

Sit the fuck down! Down!

[SCREAMS]

That's how Junior is, Sammy.

I'm with little Jimmy Altieri.

Yeah, you paying Jimmy for this game?
Huh, Sammy?

No.

Are you paying someone for this game?

Now the party's over.

Junior Soprano is the new boss...

...and he ain't respecting
old arrangements.

MR. CAPRI:
Hey, you're lucky.

You stayed slender. You could
buy it right off the rack.

JUNIOR:
I want something special.

The boys are having
a little time for me.

MIKEY: You're wearing the suit
to the dinner, eh?

These guys today want to be buried
in a jogging outfit.

So how's your...
What's your oldest boy's name?

- Rafael. "Ralphie."
- Yeah.

- Good kid.
- Yeah.

He lost his son, you know.

What do you mean, "lost"?

Dead.

Morto.

Just a fucking kid! A baby!

What are we talking about here?
You lost your grandson?

MR. CAPRI: What are you gonna do with
these fucking animals...

...these drug dealers?

He used to run around breaking balls.

Dominic.

My namesake.

Did you know about this?

What'd I say about this poison?
These kids shouldn't touch it!

I read the paper every day about
these poor pricks overdosing.

He didn't overdose, he killed himself.

Fourteen years old.

- Jesus!
- Was this at Patterson Falls?

Holy shit, that was your grandson?

- What?
MIKEY: He took a designer drug.

Goes to the Falls, takes a header
right off the fence.

They said the current bashed his head
on rocks for days before he came up.

And meanwhile, this piece of shit...

...he gets to walk the streets and
sell more of this stuff to young kids.

Oh, really?

What's this motherless fuck's name?

- Even the coffee's old in here.
- How much can you complain?

Eventually, you've got a broken hip.

I want to give you a macchinetta.
It's the only way to get good coffee.

What are you wearing?

You smell like a French putain.

It's Canoe. Johnny wore Canoe.

Morning, Livia.

- Oh, good morning.
- Morning.

- Yeah, hi.
- New arrival?

Go ahead, keep moving, fella.

I'm happy for you, Junior.

I know how long you waited
to be made boss.

Just don't let certain people
take advantage of you...

...like they did to Johnny.

What certain people?
Nobody got over on Johnny.

Nobody's gonna get over on me.

How's your Jewish friend?

Hesh? What about him?

- Whoever heard of a Jew riding horses?
- He owns a horse farm.

He's Tony's friend, not mine.

- What have you got against him?
- Who, me? Nothing.

Johnny liked him.

And my son thinks every word that
comes out of his mouth is pure gold.

Are you telling me that since
I'm the new boss, I should tax Hesh?

Boy, Anthony must've really gotten
under your collar. Admit it.

You want to crack his coglioni
for putting you in here.

- What are you talking about?
- Yeah.

And I'm playing shortstop
for the Mets.

All right, watch the balls!

[IRINA MOANS]

IRINA:
What is the matter?

Tony's cannoli doesn't
want to stand up?

Tony's cannoli's tired.

But I can make it happen, baby.

I know.

Just, maybe...

So how's your job?

What?

Since when do you care?

Can't I be nice?

All right...

...forget it.

You don't want to talk? Fine.

Here, go with somebody
who gives a fuck.

I'm not a fucking whore!

Stick your money up your ass!

- I don't know what's wrong...
- There's nothing wrong with me!

Just wanted to talk, that's all!

Talking with you,
I might as well be a fucking dildo!

If you were a dildo,
we wouldn't be fighting.

What does that mean,
you fucking refugee?

What does that mean?

Come here.

Want to fight me? Knock you out!
You fucking communist cunt!

TONY:
Hey, hey, hey!

[YELLS IN RUSSIAN]

TONY:
Yeah, same to you!

You fucking burned me!

How you doing?

What do you got, Andrea?

CHRIS: Clabby?
GEORGIE: Hearts.

Jump in, the water's warm.

Child's play. Pound a point.

- Hesh is outside.
- Tell him to come in.

He says he needs a word with you.

What the fuck?
You eat more queens than Lancelot.

What's up?

- Let's walk.
- That serious?

- You spoke to your uncle lately?
- Junior?

Yeah.

No. I don't know. Why, what's up?

- Your father was a fair man.
- What's that got to do with Junior?

Junior's not so fair.

Sometimes I wish you'd just get
to the point. What'd he do?

He's taxing me, Tony.

He's taxing you?
When did this happen?

Today.

Did you tell him you
operate without tax?

That my father loved you
and respected you?

That 10 cents of every dollar
in his kick is from you?

My uncle's boss of the family
10 minutes, already I got agita!

What'd you say?

It's a reasonable request
but an unreasonable figure.

What do you mean,
reasonable request?

He's the boss now, Tony.

He calls the tune, we dance to it.
That's the way it's done.

You can either respect that
or change the rules.

Tony, I came over here to tell you
with all this bullshit going on...

...I can't stay in this area.

Where you gonna go?

Come on.
I consider my royalty checks.

I wrote six gold records.

No, a couple of black kids did.

You just gave yourself a cowriting
credit. Come on, Heshie.

I know you. You leave this,
you're gonna kill yourself.

How much does he want?

500 large. Plus, two points
monthly on my shy.

All right.

Do me a favor, sit tight for now.
Let me think about it for a while.

[TONY SNORES]

["WHAT TIME IS IT?" PLAYS]

[LIP SYNCS]

IRINA:
How was that, baby?

The best.

You are the best.

Come here.

IRINA'S VOICE:
Tony, I love your cannoli.

You okay?

Yeah, I'm okay.

Go back to sleep.

Sure you're all right?

So, what do you want New York to do?

Junior can't know that we talked.

He's gotta think that Hesh came
to you on his own, by himself.

You are still running things.

The arrangement, whatever it is,
can't be insulting to my uncle.

Hesh has got to pay something.

I just haven't decided what.

I gotta get back. We'll talk later.

How's the veal?

It's like rubber.

Yeah?

Tastes all right to me.

Want something else?

[WAITER SINGS IN ITALIAN]

Don't look at me.

Compliments of Johnny Sack.

Why don't you spend the rest
of our anniversary with him?

I was over there for 10
frigging minutes, Carmela.

- Don't do this.
- All right, Tony.

At least I know where I stand.

Why do you always gotta
be so dramatic?

Oh, here we go.

All right, I'm sorry, okay?
I'm sorry.

You don't even know what
you're apologizing for.

It's our anniversary, Tony.

Ours. Not yours, mine and
Johnny-fucking-Sack's.

Ours.

I thought we could get a room
at the Plaza like last year or...

I don't know. I don't...

I'm sorry, Carmela.

I just got a lot on my mind
and I'm not thinking straight.

Hey...

...I'm sorry.

Should I call the Plaza?

Come on.

No, let's go home.

Hey, come here.

Carm, what do you want me to say?

Tell me. I'm lost at sea here!

You've changed, Tony.
And I resent it.

It's destroying what little
self-esteem I have left.

Sometimes I think you skeeve me.

I skeeve you?

You're the mother of my children.
How could I?

You see what I'm talking about?
There.

"You're the mother of my children."
I'm just someone you procreated with.

You know it could be the Prozac.

Ginny Torrelli's been on it for years,
and she'd hump a fire hydrant.

Dr. Melfi said it had
different side effects.

Oh. She told you that?

[CARMELA STOMPS UP STAIRS]

Before we start today's session...

...we need to address the coffee.

It's not appropriate
of me to take gifts.

- It's a cup of coffee.
- Let's just make a rule, okay?

No gifts.

- Does this mean I can't drink mine?
- No.

[PHONE RINGS]

Oh, I'm sorry.

I usually have my answering service on,
but I have a car emergency.

Yes?

What does that mean, "diagnostic"?

I just want to know what's
wrong with my car.

No. No, don't do anything.

No, I want to get a second opinion.

I'll take my chances. Thank you.

I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.

It's all right.

So how's it going?

Good.

Real good.

I think I may flush the medication,
you know?

See if the changes I'm feeling
are for real.

Why would you do that?
The Prozac seems to be working.

That might be the problem.

- It might be working overtime.
- What do you mean?

- I'm having a...
- Reaction?

You know, a side effect
from the stuff.

We talked about that.

Some people get insomnia.

Others, a stomachache or headaches.

But it usually passes.

But are there any other side effects
that you know of?

Some people experience
a diminished libido.

They have a hard time getting
or maintaining...

- Bingo!
- I see.

You know, not all impotence
is a result of the medication.

- There's something wrong with me?
- Have you had a prostate exam?

I don't even let anybody
wag their finger in my face.

[LAUGHS]

I'm sorry, I shouldn't have laughed.

Don't apologize.

- Oh, boy.
- You got a nice laugh.

- All right, let's be serious.
- Hey. I'm serious.

You know that depression is also
a leading factor in impotence.

In the morning or at night
do you ever have an erection?

You could set your clock to it.

Okay, so we know it's not
a physical problem.

- Put that in after the credenza.
- Yes, ma'am.

What's going on?

Yeah, I bought some furniture.

Let's just move into Roche Bobois,
save the delivery charge.

Fine, I'll send it back.

No. But you've been spending
like a drunken sailor.

I said I'll send it back.

Mother of Christ,
I didn't say that, did I?

Jesus!

You shouldn't be telling my uncle
how to run things.

You think I got the balls to tell
your uncle how he should run things?

I shouldn't expect to see
the Statue of Liberty again if I did.

All right, look, Tony...

...Hesh isn't only a friend of
you guys, he's a friend of ours.

Somebody has to step in
so he doesn't get fucked.

I never said, "fucked."

You should've come to me first,
airing your dirty laundry in public.

How would it look if I went
to you after I spoke to him?

Now he's got a point.

Bottom line is...

...what are we gonna do?

You have a suggestion?

If there are any flies on you,
they're paying fucking rent.

500's a little steep
for back taxes, no?

The 2 percent of his action,
that's up to you. It affects Tony...

...as much as Hesh.

I'm not out to hurt anyone.

God forbid I get in the way
of someone earning.

One and a half on the shy business
and 300 on the back tax.

250.

Hold on to your cock when you
negotiate with these desert people.

250.

All right.

[URINATES]

[WATER RUNS]

Mr. Soprano.

You want sex?

No.

Go back to sleep.

[HELICOPTER WHIRS]

TONY: You know, you have a nice body.
You should make it work for you more.

Oh, really?

Yeah, you reveal too much.

You don't want other men
looking at me?

No, when you're not with me,
you do what you want.

But I'm saying maybe you could
wear a nice businesslike outfit.

I think I could get into that.

- You want me to dress like a man?
- No.

I don't want you to dress like a man.

I'm just saying maybe wear something
a little more professional.

Like you're in business.

- Well, fuck you, Tony. I'm no whore.
- No.

That's not what I mean, not like
you're in the whore business...

Oh, forget it.

Come here.

Is everyone in my life
bananas or what?

Get over here!

- Come...
- Go jerk off!

Yeah. Go jerk off.

Look at this. She burned me.

That's not good.

What led up to that?

Carmela can be pretty violent.

This added problem
that I've been having...

...I just thought we needed
to spice things up a little bit.

If it's not the Prozac, then maybe
I just need a little jump-start.

I suggested that maybe she dress
a little different.

- Something titillating?
- Yeah.

Maybe it'd help.

So I suggested to her...

...not demanded...

...suggested...

...you know, maybe dress
a little sexier.

- But Carmela can be very sensitive.
- Maybe she felt it degraded her.

Not all women are into sexy lingerie.

It's not about dressing like that.

Then what are we talking about?

Some women are sexier when
they dress simple.

You know, understated.

And I don't mean...

Fuck it, I don't know what I mean.

Like you.

How like me?

You play it down.

Now, it's obvious you got
a killer body under there.

Don't get me wrong.

- All right.
- Not only do you play it down...

...but you're gentle.

Not loud.

Sweet-sounding.

Like a mandolin.

Anthony.

Unfortunately,
we have to stop now.

I think it's important
that we talk about this.

Do you think you could come back
later this afternoon?

No.

Till Tuesday.

Okay?

Yeah, all right.

See you Tuesday.

[CLATTERING]

[DOG BARKS]

[CAR STARTS]

[BREATHES DEEPLY]

MELFI: It's the oddest thing.
I've had this problem for weeks.

But this morning, I get in
and it starts right up.

And then again at the deli.

Looks fine.

Are you sure?
I was told I need a new starter.

Lady...

...as much as I might wish to rob you,
I won't try to replace a new starter.

- What do you mean, "new"?
- New.

It has everything but
the price tag hanging from it.

RUSTY IRISH:
I didn't do nothing!

MIKEY: Poor kid committed suicide
up here because of you.

- You fucking know me!
- I know you.

Listen, big boy. Listen to me,
I'm gonna give you a break.

I'm gonna give you a break.
When I toss you over...

...when I toss you over, if you fly,
I won't shoot you down. Deal?

No!

No!

Well, my goodness.

What happened here?

Some sad shit.

Motherfucker said he didn't
want to live no more.

Jumped.

How much you give him?

I thought I was the only one Junior
could make look like that.

All right, let me hear it.

Rusty Irish.

What about him?

Took a header off the Falls.

It's the closest that junkie
ever got to a bath.

I got news for you. That
junkie was my biggest earner.

He moved more cards than 10 guys
put together. And another thing:

He should've checked with me
before he did a favor for Capri.

You're losing me.

Irish sold Capri's grandson that shit.

- You created a Frankenstein in Junior.
- I created?

We agreed to let Junior have his day.

"Let him be the lightning rod,
and when somebody goes down...

...he's not a young man with a family."
We agreed.

We agreed, but who expected
to get raped?

When Jackie was boss, it all
evened out at the end of the day.

But your uncle, Madonna,
does he eat alone!

RAYMOND:
He doesn't even pass the salt.

What about Sammy Grigio's card game?
Mikey beat him up. That ain't right.

Even a broken clock is right
twice a day.

Junior had a position.
That game wasn't paying anybody.

The minute Sammy Grigio used Jimmy's
name, it should've been end of story.

That's right.

- What do you want me to do?
LARRY: We made our bed, we sleep in it.

How long will we kick upstairs
without it hurting?

Something, anything should
trickle down over here, no?

All we want you to do is talk to him.

After all, he's your uncle. Come on.

That's right.

LIVIA: Who is it?
- It's me, Ma.

- Who?
- Anthony.

Open the door.

I thought it was the Activities lady.
She's a real pain in the ass.

Playing bingo, Livia?

Oh, not tonight, honey.

You know, she's a degenerate gambler.

Milly. Milly?

My son.

Handsome.

TONY:
So how's it going?

Oh, what can I say?

Hey, this is great!

You only need that broken reading lamp
you had by the phone at home.

And I got it downstairs.
I can bring it.

[WATER RUNS]

Listen!

Oh, she's driving me crazy!

- Who?
- Next door!

There it is again.

That's enough water!
How much water does she need?

She runs the water all day.
Water, water, water!

I'm living next door to Gunga Din!

I went to Ferrara's.
I got you biscotti.

- Almonds?
- Yeah.

All right. Leave them there.

I'll take them downstairs
later for my coffee.

Uncle Jun been by?

Oh, once in a while.
It makes him uncomfortable here.

He's got a lot on his mind. More
responsibilities means more headaches.

Better men than him had to work hard.

Yeah?

He'll be all right.

If he remembers who his friends are.

I'd hate to see him mess up.
He's been waiting a long time.

What do you mean?

It's not a business that
forgives bad decisions.

And I hate to see him making
wrong moves, you know.

- Especially at the beginning.
- Why you telling me? Tell him.

Ma, you got his ear.

He listens to you.

I don't know that world.

No, of course not.

But if anything, you know,
were to come up, that's all.

I don't want to get involved.

If you have something to say to
your uncle, bring it up to him.

- Oh, I wish the Lord would take me.
- Come on, Ma.

There's plenty of nice gents
that want a date with you.

Look. I'm going downstairs.

I'm going downstairs before that
che brutta Activities lady finds me.

You want coffee?

- Yeah, all right.
- Bring the cookies!

PHIL: Carmela, I don't want to sound
like religion is a cure-all...

...but if Tony got more
involved with the Church...

...it may help to expedite things
in his therapy.

What's killing me is that
this is a self-inflicted wound.

I pushed for it.

I could deal with the goomars.
I knew I was better than them.

As stupid as it sounds, I viewed them
as a form of masturbation for him.

I couldn't give him what
he needed all the time.

You're a man.
You know that thirst.

I was too busy with the house
and the kids to quench it.

But this psychiatrist...

...you know, she's not just a goomar.

Now I feel like he's really cheating
and I'm the one who's thirsty.

I'm not gonna stay in a marriage
that's made...

Let's not even think about that.

Divorce is for those who never intended
on dying married in the first place.

You know, Carm, we reap what we sow.

What do you mean?

You admit to accepting
his dalliances in the past.

Schifosas.
They meant nothing.

But you said it was like they were
"lightening the workload"...

...providing a wife's duty
when you were too busy.

You practically welcomed it.

Now, I want you to pray...

...to our Holy Mother, ask her
for guidance and forgiveness...

...so that you can get through
this as a couple.

You're not without sin
in this, Carmela.

So she's out of control.

She spends money like we're
the Sopranos of Park Avenue.

But you've noticed her.
Which may have been the point.

Look, before we run out of time...

...I'd like to discuss what happened
when we were here last week.

How's your car?

Did you steal my car
and have it fixed?

- We had an agreement, no gifts.
- I didn't want you to get robbed.

It was you.

You had no right to steal my car.

I've been scared to death.

- Why?
- Why?

It's a violation of my privacy.
What else have you done?

Answer me.

I love you.

- Anthony.
- I'm in love with you.

I'm sorry. It's just the way it is.

- Okay. Let me talk.
- No.

It's not the Prozac.

I dream about you.

I think about you all the time.

I can't get excited about
other women.

There's nothing else to say.

I love you.

Let me start here.

I know this may be very hard
for you to swallow.

But you're only feeling this way
because we've made such progress.

- What?
- I've been gentle. That's my job.

I listen. That's what I do best.

I've been a broad, generic,
sympathetic woman to you...

...because that's what
this work calls for.

You've made me all of the things
you feel are missing in your wife.

And in your mother.

You're making me out to be
some fucking mama's boy.

I'm a man.

And you're a woman.

End of story.

And this crap about Freud and...

...every boy wanting to have sex with
his mother, that's not gonna fly here.

I didn't say that.

I want to make sure
we understand each other.

Yeah, we understand each other.

You don't love me.

You don't want me
to come back anymore.

It's quite the opposite.

This is all a byproduct of progress.

Has someone been following me?

Okay, forget it.

I'll see you next week.

[CROWD CHEERING]

All right, let's go!

- Listen, Uncle Junior...
- You could've made the pros.

You could've done it.
You had a swing like Joe D.

- You're crazy.
- What?

You think I'm shitting you?

- I could barely hit.250.
- Because you didn't want it.

Too busy chasing skirt.
Chasing skirt, your average was.500.

- Yeah, what happened?
- What did you want to talk about?

Octavian.

- You know, Augustus.
- You fucking with me?

No. Octavian became Augustus.

Forget about that.

Bottom line: Augustus was a Caesar.
And everybody loved him, right?

- You know why?
- I don't know that I give a fuck.

Everybody loved him because
he never ate alone. Capisci?

It was the longest time of peace
in Rome's history.

He was a fair leader and all
his people loved him for that.

Is this the one that
they stabbed in the back?

No, that was Julius.
Talking about Augustus.

He shared his wealth and
all his people loved him.

You said that three times.

I heard it. His people loved him.
What's your point?

Remember when you told me
about the bull and his son?

They're looking out
at a bunch of cows.

The son says, "Dad, why don't we
run down and fuck one of these cows?"

What did the dad say?

The father says, "Son, why don't we
walk down there and fuck them all?"

I told you that?
"Why don't we fuck them all."

That's funny.

Okay, I get your point.

Why all of this fucking
Augustus-Octavian shit?

I don't know.

Are you okay? You've been
acting mezzo morto lately.

I ain't seen you like that for years.

I'm okay. It's just bullshit stuff.
Don't worry about it.

- Are you sure?
- Yeah, yeah. I'm okay.

[WHINNIES]

TONY: Junior took your 250 and
split it amongst the top five guys.

So he doesn't look greedy.

HESH: Smart move.
TONY: Yeah.

Your uncle may be another
Harry Truman.

- What's that mean?
- Truman had a big job thrust on him.

He didn't want it, but in the end
he made some pretty wise decisions.

Your uncle may be the right man.

I fucking hope so.

I'll tell you, I don't want the job.

Let Junior die from the stress.

That's what gave Jackie the cancer,
God rest his soul.

"Boss." Fuck it, who needs it?

[WHINNYING]

It's nice here.

I can't stand the smell.
The shit, flies all over.

But I could watch them for hours.
There's a kind of beauty to it.

I envy them.

- I wouldn't go that far.
- I would.

They got no bills, no headaches,
no family cazzi running around.

One horse likes another one,
they fuck. That's it.

No problems. No hundred questions.
No guilt.

I don't know what I'm talking about.

So Junior split my money
and spread it around?

- Yeah.
- Five bosses, 50 a pop.

Not a bad day's pay.

Still, I wish it wasn't your money.

You know, it makes me feel terrible.

What?

You old fucking Jew.

Here's my share.
I don't want to profit off you.

Never entered my mind.

Dr. Melfi, there's nothing there,
you know.

You don't have to explain
nothing, Tony.

In psychiatry, apparently what you're
feeling is not what you're feeling.

And what you're not feeling
is your real agenda.

- You're gonna stick with it, right?
- I don't know.

I think you should.

You do?

I was jealous.

- I should've...
- Wait, let me finish, Tony.

I've been thinking a lot about this.

I was jealous of her ability
to help you.

To be a sort of salvation to you.

I talked to Father Phil and...

...I want to be that woman
in your life.

Carm, you're not just in my life...

...you are my life.

Come here.

[TAPS GLASS]

I'm no good at speeches.

LARRY: Owe him a dime,
you'll hear some great speeches.

Shit. Shut up, let me talk.

Go ahead. I was only kidding.

I'd like everybody
to raise their glasses.

TONY:
Okay.

Taught me as much as anybody,
except for maybe my father.

Even if he wasn't my uncle...

...I'd be standing here saying:

"To our new boss."

Salute.

[CAMERA CLICKS]

To Junior.

Junior.

To Junior.

Salute.