The Sopranos (1999–2007): Season 1, Episode 5 - College - full transcript
While visiting colleges with Meadow, Tony spots a snitch. Carmela, meanwhile, discovers something about Dr. Melfi.
[BELLS RINGING]
How'd it go?
They've got a 48 to 52 male/female
ratio, which is great.
A strong liberal arts program
and the Olin Arts Center for music.
The usual programs abroad
are China, India...
You're just applying.
Already you're leaving?
It's an option, Dad. Junior year.
What'll you study in India?
How not to get diarrhea?
They don't require SAT scores,
but mine are high.
Socially, I don't know.
I heard there's a saying:
"Bates is the world's most expensive
form of contraception."
What kind of talk is that?
The girls at the other
colleges put out?
Oh, my God.
It's pretty, huh?
Yeah.
Two to go. Colby up.
Dad, how come you
didn't finish college?
I had a semester and a half
at Seton Hall.
Yeah, and?
My parents
didn't stress college.
They were working-class people.
How come they were
anti-education?
They weren't "anti."
You can't lay it all off on them.
I got into trouble
when I was a kid.
- I heard.
- You did?
FEMALE VOICE ON RADIO: In Waterville,
dine at the Stone House.
Serving the freshest
Maine lobsters.
Come see our new salad bar,
featuring a wonderful...
[CHANGES RADIO STATIONS]
[TURNS OFF RADIO]
Are you in the Mafia?
Am I in the what?
Whatever, organized crime?
That's crap. Who told you that?
I've lived in the house
all my life.
I've seen police come,
I've seen you go out at 3 a.m.
You never seen Doc Cusamano
go out at 3 a.m. on a call?
The Cusamano kids
ever find $50,000...
...and a.45 while hunting
for Easter eggs?
In the waste management business,
everybody assumes you're mobbed up.
It's a stereotype, and it's offensive.
You're the last person I want
to perpetuate it.
Fine.
There is no Mafia.
All right, look...
...Med, you're a grown woman.
Almost.
Some of my money...
...comes from illegal gambling
and whatnot.
How does that make you feel?
At least you don't keep
denying it like Mom.
Kids in school think it's neat.
Seen The Godfather, right?
Casino we like. Sharon Stone,
'70s clothes, pills.
I'm not asking about those bums.
I'm asking about you.
Sometimes I wish you were
like other dads.
But then like, Mr. Scangarelo,
for example.
An advertising executive
for big tobacco. Or lawyers? Ugh.
- So many dads are full of shit.
- I'm not?
You finally told the truth about this.
Look, Med, part of my income
comes from legitimate businesses.
The stock market...
Look, Dad, please.
Don't start mealy-mouthing.
[TURNS ON RADIO]
How's my sweetheart?
IRINA:
I'm so pissed, I can hardly see.
You getting the flu?
No. That's my cousin, Svetlana.
The amputee?
Two months she's only in America,
and she's already getting married.
You knew the deal. I got two kids.
We talked about this.
Yes, and a wife whenever you want.
What do I have in my life?
Am I glad I called.
Fuck you, then! Hang up!
How are the whirlpool jets?
Don't throw up in my face
things you buy me.
Her prosthetic leg fell off
in a Gap store...
...and he carries her
out like a knight...
...in a white satin armor.
I gotta go, my daughter's coming.
Jesus!
How you feeling?
Better, actually. Fever just broke.
I miss you two.
- How's the interviews going?
- Good, real good.
Did she like Bates?
Anything to get her
off of this Berkeley kick.
What the fuck?
Tony?
Yeah. Yeah.
Look, I'll call you from the motel.
[CAR STARTS]
Meadow! Come on!
[CAR STARTS]
[ENGINE SQUEALS]
- Come on, get in.
- Okay, okay, what's the rush?
Jesus, Dad!
What's going on?
I think I saw an old friend.
You know that guy?
Maybe not. Probably not.
Then what?
Dad, slow down!
[CAR HONKS]
- Jesus, what's with you?!
- It's all right.
DRIVER:
Fucking maniac!
- What's going on?
- Just fooling around.
[CHUCKLING]
Colby! Turn!
Colby! Turn left, it's left!
Dad!
That's because you're talking.
This gets us to Colby anyhow.
Dad, that's our motel.
Our motel's right there.
[TIRES SQUEALING]
- Did you know that guy?
- It wasn't him.
[PHONE RINGS]
Bada-bing.
Take this number down.
Now? It's pouring.
207-555-0185.
Bonjour. Room service est arrivé.
Why, thank you, kind sir.
[THUNDER]
What? You said poached eggs.
You're not eating,
after all that work?
My eyes were bigger than my stomach.
Why don't you go over to Jason's,
play Nintendo.
Nope, no kisses. Cooties.
I'll be back in an hour.
Okay.
Oh, motherfucker.
Motherfucking shit.
[PHONE RINGS]
I'm not sure, but I think
I saw Fabian Petrulio.
- Refresh my memory.
- Before your time?
Made guy, flipped 10 years ago.
He got busted for peddling H.
Took out a lot of people.
People from our outfit.
My old man was sick. He never
recovered when he heard.
You saw this guy?
I'm saying I think I did,
but I'm not sure.
Up in Maine? What the fuck?
He was in the witness-protection
program. Then they kicked him out.
He goes to colleges and gets paid...
...to talk about what
a big Mafioso he was.
Piece of shit.
We partied, but Jackie Aprile
knew him good.
They did time in Lewisburg.
You know that bust
in his rec room with Sinatra?
Febbie made it
in a prison workshop.
That was Frank? I always
thought it was Shaquille.
Fucker needs to practice on lips.
I know. Anyway, run these
plates for me.
Go ahead.
"Maine, DX66920," call you back
tonight at 10, all right?
MEADOW: What's wrong with the phone
in your room?
Nothing. Just taking a walk, saw it,
figured I'd call Christopher.
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.
Everything okay?
They got a leak in the roof,
all right?
[GIGGLING]
[DOORBELL RINGS]
- Who is it?
PHIL: Father Phil.
Just a second. Oh, Jesus.
[THUNDER]
- Oh, my God. Look at you!
- I hope I'm not barging in.
No. I was watching TV.
I was at the clothing drive.
I thought you were in Maine.
Your Moschino peddle-pusher
suit, it flew out of there.
Good, good, good!
Anyway, Jean Cusamano
said you were ill.
Yes, I was.
The flu that was going around.
- Yipes!
- Yeah, I still have a little fever.
I also have a confession to make, Carm.
[CARMELA COUGHS]
I have a jones for your baked ziti.
I have some in the freezer.
I can reheat it.
It's so much better that way.
- The mozzarella gets nice and chewy.
- I like that.
I was having some Fernet.
Would you like something?
Some wine, if it's open.
So how's Med and Tony's trip going?
I should know? He doesn't have time
to talk to me for two minutes.
Stop staring.
Why are you doing that?
It's an exciting time.
I can't tell you how proud I am.
A real student at Casa Soprano.
And she looks like a model
out of Italian Vogue.
Italian, Italian, Italian.
Thank you.
You're up to something.
How'd you get so cynical?
[KIDS LAUGHING]
That stuff we talked about.
How's that sitting with you?
Not like I wasn't 90% sure already.
What about your brother?
Does he know?
I think so.
There was a time when Italian people
didn't have a lot of options.
You mean like Mario Cuomo?
Sorry.
I put food on the table.
My father was in it,
my uncle was in it.
Maybe I was too lazy
to think for myself.
Considered myself a rebel.
Being a rebel in my family would
have been selling patio furniture.
In college, nothing interested you?
I barely got in.
Well, I kind of liked history.
Yeah?
Napoleon, The Roman Empire.
The Potsdam Conference,
that stuff.
The Potsdam Conference?
- Potsdamned if I know now.
- Oh, my God.
I have something to tell you.
Yeah?
You're not?
No. Jesus.
A couple of weeks ago, me and some
friends, we were doing speed.
- We did a lot for a while.
- You what?
It was just between homework and SATs
and the general pressure of life...
We needed something.
- That crap'll kill you!
- I know.
I ought to slap you.
Where'd you get it?
If I knew I'd get a lecture,
I wouldn't have told.
Reality check! What do you think
I'd say? Where did you get it?
I'm not telling.
Especially after this reaction.
Why did you tell me?
You were honest with me today.
I won't do it again.
It got too scary.
Jesus, right under my nose.
You'd think you'd know.
No, Dad. You won't.
Well, I'm glad you told me.
In spite of everything.
I'm glad too. I'm glad we have
that kind of relationship.
[FIRE CRACKLES]
Tony hates building fires.
We have this beautiful fireplace
with logs from when Lincoln split them.
Fear of fire is good
to keep out of hell.
Well, maybe there is hope for him.
I got something for you.
It's what we were talking about.
The chapter on Buddhism
is spectacular.
But I don't want you
going over to them.
Fat chance. I could never just
sit on the floor and think of nothing.
- Thank you.
- Sure.
You'll see how Islam has gotten
a bad rap in current culture...
Boy, this Chianti, though,
is beyond reproach.
Word up.
- Dad.
- I thought you fell in.
This is Carrie and Lucinda.
They go to Colby.
Why not hang out with them?
Dad.
What better way to
learn about the college?
Yeah, maybe.
No, that'd be cool.
Please excuse him.
No, really, we love
to dish the school.
- Go ahead.
- Okay.
No drinking. Girls, you see
that she sticks to Cokes.
I'll come back in an hour and a half.
Be good.
[PHONE RINGS]
TONY: What have you got?
- Wet shoes.
Don't want to work in the rain,
try out for the Yankees.
The car is registered
to Fredrick Peters...
...38 Washington Street,
Waterville, Maine.
It's off Route 201.
I looked it up.
Fredrick Peters, Fabian Petrulio.
Good match, huh?
I guess, I don't know.
T, what are you going to do?
I don't know. I got Meadow here.
Jesus.
CHRIS: If you want, I'll fly up
and take care of it.
Ah, you're a good kid.
You stay put.
Call Pussy or Paulie.
- They can but I can't?
- Don't be sensitive.
They had a friend die in prison
due to him.
I'll let them know.
I gotta do my homework
and positively I.D. this guy.
I thought it was him.
I haven't seen him in 12 years.
I'll call you around midnight.
Sit tight.
You think I'm a schnorrer?
A who?
Yiddish. Means somebody who always
shows up in time for free grub.
No, you're here a lot.
But you're a man, you like to eat.
I can't get over you
with that Yiddish.
My neighborhood in Yonkers was mixed
Jewish and Italian, you know?
A heady brew.
What does that mean, "heady"?
You know, melting pot. Vigor.
[PHONE RINGS]
Hello.
MELFI:
I'm calling for Tony Soprano.
Cajun stuffed olives?
CARMELA:
Who can I say is calling?
This is Dr. Melfi.
His nurse?
No, is this Mrs. Soprano?
CARMELA:
That's right, and you are?
Jennifer Melfi. Dr. Melfi?
Jennifer, lovely name.
He's not home.
Could I impose on you to tell him...
...I need to reschedule Monday's
appointment? I'm down with the flu.
Does he have your number?
Let me give it to you.
I lost my pencil, up his ass.
I'll tell him you called.
Why does he have to lie?
Why couldn't he tell me
his therapist is a woman?
Maybe he did tell you,
and you didn't hear him.
Why wouldn't he tell me,
unless he's screwing her?
Carmela, please.
I thought he was changing.
I thought therapy would help clear up
the fucking freak show in his head.
I'm sure you're wrong
about them.
Therapy is a start.
It's a good start.
But, yes, it doesn't fix the soul.
He'll need help
from other sources to repair that.
Then you talk to him!
You help him!
But, well, there you go.
I mean, will he listen?
He must be a very unhappy man.
He's unhappy?!
Sleep is my number one... Ah, shit!
Why go into it?
[MAN AND WOMAN LAUGHING]
[WATER GURGLES]
DAUGHTER: Mommy!
WIFE: Yes, bear?
DAUGHTER:
Would you put me to bed? I'm scared.
WIFE:
Sure, honey, hold on.
PETERS: I thought she was sleeping.
WIFE: Well, she woke up.
Daddy's gonna come too.
We'll both put you to bed.
- Hurry, Daddy.
PETERS: Yeah, yeah.
[TOY SQUEAKS]
[DOG BARKS]
[CAR STARTS]
PHIL: These red pepper flakes
make all the difference.
Spicy.
As good as Willem Dafoe was, I cannot
picture that Jesus looked like him.
Could you pass the cheese?
Not that he didn't do well...
...but the story's confusing.
He gets down off the cross?
Originally, Bobby D.
was to have that role.
Really?
Different picture.
Oh, totally.
"You talking to me, Pilate?
You must be talking to me.
I don't see nobody else here...
...except Barabbas, here."
You know what's remarkable?
If you take everything Jesus
ever said, add it up...
...it amounts
to two hours of talk.
No!
I heard the same thing
about the Beatles.
Except if you add up all their
songs, it comes to 10 hours.
Yes.
It wasn't just what Christ said,
it was his deeds.
See, that's my question.
I understand what he did, but a lot
of what he said, I don't get.
Like, "The sun rises on the just
and the unjust alike?" Why?
Because, Christ was saying
that we're all...
Whores will go to Heaven
before the righteous?
That's not right.
Father, we got
some major contradictions here.
It's about love.
See it that way.
What does that mean?
It means...
...hopefully someday
we will learn to tolerate...
...accept and forgive
those that are different.
Change through love.
Well.
I better get going.
Where you going?
You just got here.
It's getting late.
Well, it's pouring rain out.
I know you love the DVD player.
I got Remains of the Day.
See, do I know you?
Anything with Emma Thompson.
I didn't know you looked.
What?
To take in through the eyes
a beautiful woman...
...is that different than a sunset?
A Douglas fir?
Or any of God's handiwork?
[BELL RINGS]
- Hey, Fred.
- Tanky, what do you say?
You gonna give away
homemade cheese this year?
For what they get for cream,
I don't know.
Tank, anybody been looking for me
or asking any questions about me?
Big guy, New York sounding?
Is there a problem?
No. Dipshit hit me with his boat
while I was tubing on Caribou Lake.
Claims it was my fault.
If he shows up,
do you want me to call?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind.
Do that, thanks.
No one's asking for you, Fred.
All right, Vitus. Thanks.
TONY:
Hello, rat.
Please leave me alone.
Why won't you show me your book?
This is my private time.
You're invading it.
Oh, is that so?
EMMA: I'm invading your private time?
ANTHONY: Yes.
EMMA: What's in that book?
Come on, let me see.
Or are you protecting me,
is that what you're doing?
Would I be shocked?
Would it ruin my character?
Let me see it.
[PRIES FINGERS]
Father, turn it off.
I can't handle it.
What? What is it?
Oh, Father, I'm a terrible person.
Oh, no. You're a wonderful woman.
It's been building in me.
I need to get it out.
There's so much in me, I...
- I want to...
- Carmela, if I can help, please.
How?
How long since you last confessed?
I, uh...
If you'd like, I can do this.
You mean here? Now?
The whole world is God's house.
He hears and sees everything.
Forgive me, Father,
for I have sinned.
It has been four weeks since my last
confession... What am I talking about?
That's a lie.
I haven't truly confessed
in 20 years.
Go on.
I have forsaken...
...what is right for what is easy.
Allowing what I know is evil
in my house.
Allowing my children...
...oh, my God, my sweet children,
to be a part of it.
Because I wanted things for them.
Wanted a better life. Good schools.
I wanted this house.
I wanted money in my hands,
money to buy anything I ever wanted.
I'm so ashamed.
My husband...
I think he has committed
horrible acts.
I think he has...
You know all about him, Father Phil.
I've said nothing.
I've done nothing about it.
I got a bad feeling.
It's a matter of time
before God compensates me...
...with outrage for my sins.
All right, come on.
[MEADOW GROANS]
TONY:
Oh, tequila breath.
Sorry, Dad.
It's all right.
Just hang on to me.
TONY: Throw up on that dress,
I'll have to tell Mom.
MEADOW: This guy was giving me
tequila shooters.
Oh, God, everything is spinning.
- You're not mad, are you?
- A little bit.
WOMAN: Where are the keys?
MAN: I gave them to you.
TONY:
Supposed to be.
- I love you, Dad.
- I know.
You must truly repent.
Genuinely and honestly.
In the future you must renounce these
actions, and God will absolve you.
I don't know, Father.
I'll try.
But I still love him.
I believe he can be a good man.
Then you help change him
into a better man.
Then you will have done good
in God's eyes.
You should take Communion.
Yeah.
CARMELA:
Why do you have that?
PHIL: Unfortunately I had to say Mass
for someone in intensive care.
Lord, I am not worthy to receive Thee.
- But just say the word...
- And I will be healed.
This is the body of Christ.
It was broken for you.
This is the blood of Christ.
It was shed for you.
[GULPS]
Accept the spirit of Christ,
our Lord and Savior.
Amen.
In the name of the Father, the Son
and the Holy Spirit. Amen.
Dad?
CHRIS: I booked a seat on a Boston
flight. Tomorrow, 4:00.
- Best I could get.
- Don't come.
I'll make sure you're gone
before it happens.
- We won't ever meet.
- This is my thing.
I am your soldier. This is my duty
like we're always talking about.
The way this went down...
...this is my call.
I'll vouch for this myself.
Clipping a rat puts me
a cunt-hair away from being made.
He might've recognized me
at the gas station. He could lam.
[DOOR OPENS]
You stay put.
End of discussion.
Why are you using the pay phone?
These walls are like paper.
- Please don't lie to me.
- Go back to bed.
Lying down made me throw up.
[PHONE RINGS]
Hello.
Oh, hi, honey.
Oh, yeah. Was it fun?
Oh, good.
You want to sleep over there?
Okay. Love you.
That was A.J.
- He's sleeping over.
- I see.
- At a friend's house.
- Oh.
The Pucillos. I don't know
if you know them.
No.
Oh.
Oh.
- I...
- What?
Are you all right?
Father Phil?
Are you all right?
[VOMITS]
[PHONE RINGS]
Hello?
Hello?
[DIAL TONE]
Ow! Don't!
You want to stop and get a beer?
TONY:
You need this thing?
I'll pick you up in a little while.
Knock 'em dead.
- Aren't you coming in?
- I left my watch at the motel.
I'll catch up to you later.
Grab me a student paper.
[TIRES SCREECH]
[CLEARS THROAT]
[PHIL GROANS]
You should have some coffee.
- Last night...
- Yeah.
We didn't do anything out of line.
There's nothing to apologize about.
- Right.
- That's right.
I should get dressed. Get going.
Anthony Jr. will be home soon.
Oh, my God. My car's been out there
all night in plain sight.
We didn't do anything wrong.
Is there a commandment
against eating ziti?
Take a shower, get dressed.
Don't forget your
sacrament kit, whatever.
[DOOR OPENS]
AJ:
I'm home!
Carmela.
I don't know where to begin.
It's not that I don't have desire
for you in my heart.
Madonna, Father, please.
Last night was one of the most
difficult tests from God ever.
What are you talking about?
We're friends.
- What's that look?
- What, I look some way?
I was just thinking about when
we watched Casablanca last week.
That new print is great, huh?
"Of all the lousy gin joints in the
world, why'd you have to pick mine?"
Of all the finocchi priests,
why did I get the one who's straight?
Carmela.
Come on, it's a joke.
I would have done it myself,
but some people came along.
Anyway, listen.
It's a gray Town Car, new model.
Pick him up on the Colby campus.
Where on the Colby campus?
His kid's applying,
the fucking admissions office.
- Oh.
- You follow him.
Outside of town, you pull
up alongside, boom! 12-gauge.
- Fuck that.
- Do it...
...or you'll never
get another bag off me.
No, no, no. Fuck that.
Fuck that!
Want the cops to know who
burnt the Historical House?
Fuck you, fuckwad!
We were volunteer firemen
together, asshole! I know!
[TIRES SQUEALING]
Yeah, is Dougy in?
[TWIG SNAPS]
[BIRDS CHIRPING]
[TWIG SNAPS]
[TWIG SNAPS]
[PETERS GROANS]
- Good morning, rat.
- Who are you? What is this?
Don't make me laugh. You fuck!
Teddy, there must be something...
It's Tony.
Know how much trouble you're in?
You took an oath and you broke it.
I could have killed you
outside the motel.
Your daughter was drunk.
I was in the parking lot.
I didn't do it because of her.
I told myself:
"It's just a coincidence...
- ...he's taking her to college."
- With wiseguys...
...the hustle never ends.
If you'd shot me, your life
would have been over.
Please. I'm begging you.
Jimmy says hello from hell!
[GROANS]
[GRUNTS]
[BIRDS CHIRPING]
[PHONE RINGS]
[DUCKS QUACKING]
Where've you been?
The motel didn't have the watch.
I went to the restaurant.
I had to wait
for them to open.
The restaurant had your watch?
I took it off in the bathroom
while I washed my hands.
You ready?
You'll be late for Bowdoin.
What's up with that?
Oh, the restaurant.
I tried the back door
and there were puddles.
It was dumb, I know.
Your hand is bleeding!
You saw that man, didn't you?
I cut it on a screen door.
What man?
The man you said you didn't know.
What do you think happened?
I don't know. A fight?
You're making it a big deal,
and you don't know!
You were on the pay phone
again at 1 a.m!
I was on the pay phone at 1 a.m?
Excuse me, Miss Cuervo Añejo.
You can't remember what happened.
You were seeing pink elephants!
I warned you not to drink.
Dad, you're being honest
with me, right?
You're gonna hurt my feelings.
We have that kind of relationship.
That's right. We do or we don't.
It takes two to tango.
- Dad...
- What?
Nothing.
I love you.
I love you too.
- Where's my paper?
- I forgot.
She forgot.
Miss Soprano. Come on in.
Shall we talk about your future?
[DOOR OPENS]
[MUSIC PLAYS THROUGH WALKMAN]
STUDENT:
He's our most famous alumnus.
Oh, here they are.
The two Ivy Leaguers!
How was it?
Want to eat?
It was good. I gotta call Hunter.
TONY:
Hey.
- Gee, she spared me no boring detail.
MEADOW: I'll be back!
What a trip. I'm beat.
What, New England?
It's so gorgeous.
You still sound nasal,
but you look better.
Any cold pasta?
There was some ziti,
but it got eaten.
The whole tray? From last Sunday?
Monsignor Jughead was here.
If you are referring
to Father Intintola, yes, he was.
- He spent the night here.
- Yeah, right.
Okay.
The priest spent the night here?
What happened?
- Nothing.
- Where was Anthony?
Sleeping over at Jason's.
The priest spent the night here,
nothing happened.
- You're telling me this because?
- You might hear something.
His car was out front all night.
You know what? This is too fucked-up
for me even to think about.
What'd you guys do for 12 hours,
play "Name That Pope"?
- He gave me Communion.
- I'll bet he gave you Communion.
Excuse me?
The guy spends the night here,
and all he does is slip you a wafer?
- That's verging on sacrilege.
- I didn't mean to verge.
- Do you think I'm lying?
- It sounds...
Would I have told you if we did? Do
I look like the frigging Thorn Bird?
He's a fag. That's it.
Otherwise, I gotta question
what I'm hearing.
Tony, you are a sketch.
Oh, by the way,
your therapist called.
Jennifer?
Carm!
I thought you'd think it was weird
if I saw a woman psychiatrist.
Carm, come on! It's just therapy,
that's all! We just talk!
How'd it go?
They've got a 48 to 52 male/female
ratio, which is great.
A strong liberal arts program
and the Olin Arts Center for music.
The usual programs abroad
are China, India...
You're just applying.
Already you're leaving?
It's an option, Dad. Junior year.
What'll you study in India?
How not to get diarrhea?
They don't require SAT scores,
but mine are high.
Socially, I don't know.
I heard there's a saying:
"Bates is the world's most expensive
form of contraception."
What kind of talk is that?
The girls at the other
colleges put out?
Oh, my God.
It's pretty, huh?
Yeah.
Two to go. Colby up.
Dad, how come you
didn't finish college?
I had a semester and a half
at Seton Hall.
Yeah, and?
My parents
didn't stress college.
They were working-class people.
How come they were
anti-education?
They weren't "anti."
You can't lay it all off on them.
I got into trouble
when I was a kid.
- I heard.
- You did?
FEMALE VOICE ON RADIO: In Waterville,
dine at the Stone House.
Serving the freshest
Maine lobsters.
Come see our new salad bar,
featuring a wonderful...
[CHANGES RADIO STATIONS]
[TURNS OFF RADIO]
Are you in the Mafia?
Am I in the what?
Whatever, organized crime?
That's crap. Who told you that?
I've lived in the house
all my life.
I've seen police come,
I've seen you go out at 3 a.m.
You never seen Doc Cusamano
go out at 3 a.m. on a call?
The Cusamano kids
ever find $50,000...
...and a.45 while hunting
for Easter eggs?
In the waste management business,
everybody assumes you're mobbed up.
It's a stereotype, and it's offensive.
You're the last person I want
to perpetuate it.
Fine.
There is no Mafia.
All right, look...
...Med, you're a grown woman.
Almost.
Some of my money...
...comes from illegal gambling
and whatnot.
How does that make you feel?
At least you don't keep
denying it like Mom.
Kids in school think it's neat.
Seen The Godfather, right?
Casino we like. Sharon Stone,
'70s clothes, pills.
I'm not asking about those bums.
I'm asking about you.
Sometimes I wish you were
like other dads.
But then like, Mr. Scangarelo,
for example.
An advertising executive
for big tobacco. Or lawyers? Ugh.
- So many dads are full of shit.
- I'm not?
You finally told the truth about this.
Look, Med, part of my income
comes from legitimate businesses.
The stock market...
Look, Dad, please.
Don't start mealy-mouthing.
[TURNS ON RADIO]
How's my sweetheart?
IRINA:
I'm so pissed, I can hardly see.
You getting the flu?
No. That's my cousin, Svetlana.
The amputee?
Two months she's only in America,
and she's already getting married.
You knew the deal. I got two kids.
We talked about this.
Yes, and a wife whenever you want.
What do I have in my life?
Am I glad I called.
Fuck you, then! Hang up!
How are the whirlpool jets?
Don't throw up in my face
things you buy me.
Her prosthetic leg fell off
in a Gap store...
...and he carries her
out like a knight...
...in a white satin armor.
I gotta go, my daughter's coming.
Jesus!
How you feeling?
Better, actually. Fever just broke.
I miss you two.
- How's the interviews going?
- Good, real good.
Did she like Bates?
Anything to get her
off of this Berkeley kick.
What the fuck?
Tony?
Yeah. Yeah.
Look, I'll call you from the motel.
[CAR STARTS]
Meadow! Come on!
[CAR STARTS]
[ENGINE SQUEALS]
- Come on, get in.
- Okay, okay, what's the rush?
Jesus, Dad!
What's going on?
I think I saw an old friend.
You know that guy?
Maybe not. Probably not.
Then what?
Dad, slow down!
[CAR HONKS]
- Jesus, what's with you?!
- It's all right.
DRIVER:
Fucking maniac!
- What's going on?
- Just fooling around.
[CHUCKLING]
Colby! Turn!
Colby! Turn left, it's left!
Dad!
That's because you're talking.
This gets us to Colby anyhow.
Dad, that's our motel.
Our motel's right there.
[TIRES SQUEALING]
- Did you know that guy?
- It wasn't him.
[PHONE RINGS]
Bada-bing.
Take this number down.
Now? It's pouring.
207-555-0185.
Bonjour. Room service est arrivé.
Why, thank you, kind sir.
[THUNDER]
What? You said poached eggs.
You're not eating,
after all that work?
My eyes were bigger than my stomach.
Why don't you go over to Jason's,
play Nintendo.
Nope, no kisses. Cooties.
I'll be back in an hour.
Okay.
Oh, motherfucker.
Motherfucking shit.
[PHONE RINGS]
I'm not sure, but I think
I saw Fabian Petrulio.
- Refresh my memory.
- Before your time?
Made guy, flipped 10 years ago.
He got busted for peddling H.
Took out a lot of people.
People from our outfit.
My old man was sick. He never
recovered when he heard.
You saw this guy?
I'm saying I think I did,
but I'm not sure.
Up in Maine? What the fuck?
He was in the witness-protection
program. Then they kicked him out.
He goes to colleges and gets paid...
...to talk about what
a big Mafioso he was.
Piece of shit.
We partied, but Jackie Aprile
knew him good.
They did time in Lewisburg.
You know that bust
in his rec room with Sinatra?
Febbie made it
in a prison workshop.
That was Frank? I always
thought it was Shaquille.
Fucker needs to practice on lips.
I know. Anyway, run these
plates for me.
Go ahead.
"Maine, DX66920," call you back
tonight at 10, all right?
MEADOW: What's wrong with the phone
in your room?
Nothing. Just taking a walk, saw it,
figured I'd call Christopher.
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.
Everything okay?
They got a leak in the roof,
all right?
[GIGGLING]
[DOORBELL RINGS]
- Who is it?
PHIL: Father Phil.
Just a second. Oh, Jesus.
[THUNDER]
- Oh, my God. Look at you!
- I hope I'm not barging in.
No. I was watching TV.
I was at the clothing drive.
I thought you were in Maine.
Your Moschino peddle-pusher
suit, it flew out of there.
Good, good, good!
Anyway, Jean Cusamano
said you were ill.
Yes, I was.
The flu that was going around.
- Yipes!
- Yeah, I still have a little fever.
I also have a confession to make, Carm.
[CARMELA COUGHS]
I have a jones for your baked ziti.
I have some in the freezer.
I can reheat it.
It's so much better that way.
- The mozzarella gets nice and chewy.
- I like that.
I was having some Fernet.
Would you like something?
Some wine, if it's open.
So how's Med and Tony's trip going?
I should know? He doesn't have time
to talk to me for two minutes.
Stop staring.
Why are you doing that?
It's an exciting time.
I can't tell you how proud I am.
A real student at Casa Soprano.
And she looks like a model
out of Italian Vogue.
Italian, Italian, Italian.
Thank you.
You're up to something.
How'd you get so cynical?
[KIDS LAUGHING]
That stuff we talked about.
How's that sitting with you?
Not like I wasn't 90% sure already.
What about your brother?
Does he know?
I think so.
There was a time when Italian people
didn't have a lot of options.
You mean like Mario Cuomo?
Sorry.
I put food on the table.
My father was in it,
my uncle was in it.
Maybe I was too lazy
to think for myself.
Considered myself a rebel.
Being a rebel in my family would
have been selling patio furniture.
In college, nothing interested you?
I barely got in.
Well, I kind of liked history.
Yeah?
Napoleon, The Roman Empire.
The Potsdam Conference,
that stuff.
The Potsdam Conference?
- Potsdamned if I know now.
- Oh, my God.
I have something to tell you.
Yeah?
You're not?
No. Jesus.
A couple of weeks ago, me and some
friends, we were doing speed.
- We did a lot for a while.
- You what?
It was just between homework and SATs
and the general pressure of life...
We needed something.
- That crap'll kill you!
- I know.
I ought to slap you.
Where'd you get it?
If I knew I'd get a lecture,
I wouldn't have told.
Reality check! What do you think
I'd say? Where did you get it?
I'm not telling.
Especially after this reaction.
Why did you tell me?
You were honest with me today.
I won't do it again.
It got too scary.
Jesus, right under my nose.
You'd think you'd know.
No, Dad. You won't.
Well, I'm glad you told me.
In spite of everything.
I'm glad too. I'm glad we have
that kind of relationship.
[FIRE CRACKLES]
Tony hates building fires.
We have this beautiful fireplace
with logs from when Lincoln split them.
Fear of fire is good
to keep out of hell.
Well, maybe there is hope for him.
I got something for you.
It's what we were talking about.
The chapter on Buddhism
is spectacular.
But I don't want you
going over to them.
Fat chance. I could never just
sit on the floor and think of nothing.
- Thank you.
- Sure.
You'll see how Islam has gotten
a bad rap in current culture...
Boy, this Chianti, though,
is beyond reproach.
Word up.
- Dad.
- I thought you fell in.
This is Carrie and Lucinda.
They go to Colby.
Why not hang out with them?
Dad.
What better way to
learn about the college?
Yeah, maybe.
No, that'd be cool.
Please excuse him.
No, really, we love
to dish the school.
- Go ahead.
- Okay.
No drinking. Girls, you see
that she sticks to Cokes.
I'll come back in an hour and a half.
Be good.
[PHONE RINGS]
TONY: What have you got?
- Wet shoes.
Don't want to work in the rain,
try out for the Yankees.
The car is registered
to Fredrick Peters...
...38 Washington Street,
Waterville, Maine.
It's off Route 201.
I looked it up.
Fredrick Peters, Fabian Petrulio.
Good match, huh?
I guess, I don't know.
T, what are you going to do?
I don't know. I got Meadow here.
Jesus.
CHRIS: If you want, I'll fly up
and take care of it.
Ah, you're a good kid.
You stay put.
Call Pussy or Paulie.
- They can but I can't?
- Don't be sensitive.
They had a friend die in prison
due to him.
I'll let them know.
I gotta do my homework
and positively I.D. this guy.
I thought it was him.
I haven't seen him in 12 years.
I'll call you around midnight.
Sit tight.
You think I'm a schnorrer?
A who?
Yiddish. Means somebody who always
shows up in time for free grub.
No, you're here a lot.
But you're a man, you like to eat.
I can't get over you
with that Yiddish.
My neighborhood in Yonkers was mixed
Jewish and Italian, you know?
A heady brew.
What does that mean, "heady"?
You know, melting pot. Vigor.
[PHONE RINGS]
Hello.
MELFI:
I'm calling for Tony Soprano.
Cajun stuffed olives?
CARMELA:
Who can I say is calling?
This is Dr. Melfi.
His nurse?
No, is this Mrs. Soprano?
CARMELA:
That's right, and you are?
Jennifer Melfi. Dr. Melfi?
Jennifer, lovely name.
He's not home.
Could I impose on you to tell him...
...I need to reschedule Monday's
appointment? I'm down with the flu.
Does he have your number?
Let me give it to you.
I lost my pencil, up his ass.
I'll tell him you called.
Why does he have to lie?
Why couldn't he tell me
his therapist is a woman?
Maybe he did tell you,
and you didn't hear him.
Why wouldn't he tell me,
unless he's screwing her?
Carmela, please.
I thought he was changing.
I thought therapy would help clear up
the fucking freak show in his head.
I'm sure you're wrong
about them.
Therapy is a start.
It's a good start.
But, yes, it doesn't fix the soul.
He'll need help
from other sources to repair that.
Then you talk to him!
You help him!
But, well, there you go.
I mean, will he listen?
He must be a very unhappy man.
He's unhappy?!
Sleep is my number one... Ah, shit!
Why go into it?
[MAN AND WOMAN LAUGHING]
[WATER GURGLES]
DAUGHTER: Mommy!
WIFE: Yes, bear?
DAUGHTER:
Would you put me to bed? I'm scared.
WIFE:
Sure, honey, hold on.
PETERS: I thought she was sleeping.
WIFE: Well, she woke up.
Daddy's gonna come too.
We'll both put you to bed.
- Hurry, Daddy.
PETERS: Yeah, yeah.
[TOY SQUEAKS]
[DOG BARKS]
[CAR STARTS]
PHIL: These red pepper flakes
make all the difference.
Spicy.
As good as Willem Dafoe was, I cannot
picture that Jesus looked like him.
Could you pass the cheese?
Not that he didn't do well...
...but the story's confusing.
He gets down off the cross?
Originally, Bobby D.
was to have that role.
Really?
Different picture.
Oh, totally.
"You talking to me, Pilate?
You must be talking to me.
I don't see nobody else here...
...except Barabbas, here."
You know what's remarkable?
If you take everything Jesus
ever said, add it up...
...it amounts
to two hours of talk.
No!
I heard the same thing
about the Beatles.
Except if you add up all their
songs, it comes to 10 hours.
Yes.
It wasn't just what Christ said,
it was his deeds.
See, that's my question.
I understand what he did, but a lot
of what he said, I don't get.
Like, "The sun rises on the just
and the unjust alike?" Why?
Because, Christ was saying
that we're all...
Whores will go to Heaven
before the righteous?
That's not right.
Father, we got
some major contradictions here.
It's about love.
See it that way.
What does that mean?
It means...
...hopefully someday
we will learn to tolerate...
...accept and forgive
those that are different.
Change through love.
Well.
I better get going.
Where you going?
You just got here.
It's getting late.
Well, it's pouring rain out.
I know you love the DVD player.
I got Remains of the Day.
See, do I know you?
Anything with Emma Thompson.
I didn't know you looked.
What?
To take in through the eyes
a beautiful woman...
...is that different than a sunset?
A Douglas fir?
Or any of God's handiwork?
[BELL RINGS]
- Hey, Fred.
- Tanky, what do you say?
You gonna give away
homemade cheese this year?
For what they get for cream,
I don't know.
Tank, anybody been looking for me
or asking any questions about me?
Big guy, New York sounding?
Is there a problem?
No. Dipshit hit me with his boat
while I was tubing on Caribou Lake.
Claims it was my fault.
If he shows up,
do you want me to call?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind.
Do that, thanks.
No one's asking for you, Fred.
All right, Vitus. Thanks.
TONY:
Hello, rat.
Please leave me alone.
Why won't you show me your book?
This is my private time.
You're invading it.
Oh, is that so?
EMMA: I'm invading your private time?
ANTHONY: Yes.
EMMA: What's in that book?
Come on, let me see.
Or are you protecting me,
is that what you're doing?
Would I be shocked?
Would it ruin my character?
Let me see it.
[PRIES FINGERS]
Father, turn it off.
I can't handle it.
What? What is it?
Oh, Father, I'm a terrible person.
Oh, no. You're a wonderful woman.
It's been building in me.
I need to get it out.
There's so much in me, I...
- I want to...
- Carmela, if I can help, please.
How?
How long since you last confessed?
I, uh...
If you'd like, I can do this.
You mean here? Now?
The whole world is God's house.
He hears and sees everything.
Forgive me, Father,
for I have sinned.
It has been four weeks since my last
confession... What am I talking about?
That's a lie.
I haven't truly confessed
in 20 years.
Go on.
I have forsaken...
...what is right for what is easy.
Allowing what I know is evil
in my house.
Allowing my children...
...oh, my God, my sweet children,
to be a part of it.
Because I wanted things for them.
Wanted a better life. Good schools.
I wanted this house.
I wanted money in my hands,
money to buy anything I ever wanted.
I'm so ashamed.
My husband...
I think he has committed
horrible acts.
I think he has...
You know all about him, Father Phil.
I've said nothing.
I've done nothing about it.
I got a bad feeling.
It's a matter of time
before God compensates me...
...with outrage for my sins.
All right, come on.
[MEADOW GROANS]
TONY:
Oh, tequila breath.
Sorry, Dad.
It's all right.
Just hang on to me.
TONY: Throw up on that dress,
I'll have to tell Mom.
MEADOW: This guy was giving me
tequila shooters.
Oh, God, everything is spinning.
- You're not mad, are you?
- A little bit.
WOMAN: Where are the keys?
MAN: I gave them to you.
TONY:
Supposed to be.
- I love you, Dad.
- I know.
You must truly repent.
Genuinely and honestly.
In the future you must renounce these
actions, and God will absolve you.
I don't know, Father.
I'll try.
But I still love him.
I believe he can be a good man.
Then you help change him
into a better man.
Then you will have done good
in God's eyes.
You should take Communion.
Yeah.
CARMELA:
Why do you have that?
PHIL: Unfortunately I had to say Mass
for someone in intensive care.
Lord, I am not worthy to receive Thee.
- But just say the word...
- And I will be healed.
This is the body of Christ.
It was broken for you.
This is the blood of Christ.
It was shed for you.
[GULPS]
Accept the spirit of Christ,
our Lord and Savior.
Amen.
In the name of the Father, the Son
and the Holy Spirit. Amen.
Dad?
CHRIS: I booked a seat on a Boston
flight. Tomorrow, 4:00.
- Best I could get.
- Don't come.
I'll make sure you're gone
before it happens.
- We won't ever meet.
- This is my thing.
I am your soldier. This is my duty
like we're always talking about.
The way this went down...
...this is my call.
I'll vouch for this myself.
Clipping a rat puts me
a cunt-hair away from being made.
He might've recognized me
at the gas station. He could lam.
[DOOR OPENS]
You stay put.
End of discussion.
Why are you using the pay phone?
These walls are like paper.
- Please don't lie to me.
- Go back to bed.
Lying down made me throw up.
[PHONE RINGS]
Hello.
Oh, hi, honey.
Oh, yeah. Was it fun?
Oh, good.
You want to sleep over there?
Okay. Love you.
That was A.J.
- He's sleeping over.
- I see.
- At a friend's house.
- Oh.
The Pucillos. I don't know
if you know them.
No.
Oh.
Oh.
- I...
- What?
Are you all right?
Father Phil?
Are you all right?
[VOMITS]
[PHONE RINGS]
Hello?
Hello?
[DIAL TONE]
Ow! Don't!
You want to stop and get a beer?
TONY:
You need this thing?
I'll pick you up in a little while.
Knock 'em dead.
- Aren't you coming in?
- I left my watch at the motel.
I'll catch up to you later.
Grab me a student paper.
[TIRES SCREECH]
[CLEARS THROAT]
[PHIL GROANS]
You should have some coffee.
- Last night...
- Yeah.
We didn't do anything out of line.
There's nothing to apologize about.
- Right.
- That's right.
I should get dressed. Get going.
Anthony Jr. will be home soon.
Oh, my God. My car's been out there
all night in plain sight.
We didn't do anything wrong.
Is there a commandment
against eating ziti?
Take a shower, get dressed.
Don't forget your
sacrament kit, whatever.
[DOOR OPENS]
AJ:
I'm home!
Carmela.
I don't know where to begin.
It's not that I don't have desire
for you in my heart.
Madonna, Father, please.
Last night was one of the most
difficult tests from God ever.
What are you talking about?
We're friends.
- What's that look?
- What, I look some way?
I was just thinking about when
we watched Casablanca last week.
That new print is great, huh?
"Of all the lousy gin joints in the
world, why'd you have to pick mine?"
Of all the finocchi priests,
why did I get the one who's straight?
Carmela.
Come on, it's a joke.
I would have done it myself,
but some people came along.
Anyway, listen.
It's a gray Town Car, new model.
Pick him up on the Colby campus.
Where on the Colby campus?
His kid's applying,
the fucking admissions office.
- Oh.
- You follow him.
Outside of town, you pull
up alongside, boom! 12-gauge.
- Fuck that.
- Do it...
...or you'll never
get another bag off me.
No, no, no. Fuck that.
Fuck that!
Want the cops to know who
burnt the Historical House?
Fuck you, fuckwad!
We were volunteer firemen
together, asshole! I know!
[TIRES SQUEALING]
Yeah, is Dougy in?
[TWIG SNAPS]
[BIRDS CHIRPING]
[TWIG SNAPS]
[TWIG SNAPS]
[PETERS GROANS]
- Good morning, rat.
- Who are you? What is this?
Don't make me laugh. You fuck!
Teddy, there must be something...
It's Tony.
Know how much trouble you're in?
You took an oath and you broke it.
I could have killed you
outside the motel.
Your daughter was drunk.
I was in the parking lot.
I didn't do it because of her.
I told myself:
"It's just a coincidence...
- ...he's taking her to college."
- With wiseguys...
...the hustle never ends.
If you'd shot me, your life
would have been over.
Please. I'm begging you.
Jimmy says hello from hell!
[GROANS]
[GRUNTS]
[BIRDS CHIRPING]
[PHONE RINGS]
[DUCKS QUACKING]
Where've you been?
The motel didn't have the watch.
I went to the restaurant.
I had to wait
for them to open.
The restaurant had your watch?
I took it off in the bathroom
while I washed my hands.
You ready?
You'll be late for Bowdoin.
What's up with that?
Oh, the restaurant.
I tried the back door
and there were puddles.
It was dumb, I know.
Your hand is bleeding!
You saw that man, didn't you?
I cut it on a screen door.
What man?
The man you said you didn't know.
What do you think happened?
I don't know. A fight?
You're making it a big deal,
and you don't know!
You were on the pay phone
again at 1 a.m!
I was on the pay phone at 1 a.m?
Excuse me, Miss Cuervo Añejo.
You can't remember what happened.
You were seeing pink elephants!
I warned you not to drink.
Dad, you're being honest
with me, right?
You're gonna hurt my feelings.
We have that kind of relationship.
That's right. We do or we don't.
It takes two to tango.
- Dad...
- What?
Nothing.
I love you.
I love you too.
- Where's my paper?
- I forgot.
She forgot.
Miss Soprano. Come on in.
Shall we talk about your future?
[DOOR OPENS]
[MUSIC PLAYS THROUGH WALKMAN]
STUDENT:
He's our most famous alumnus.
Oh, here they are.
The two Ivy Leaguers!
How was it?
Want to eat?
It was good. I gotta call Hunter.
TONY:
Hey.
- Gee, she spared me no boring detail.
MEADOW: I'll be back!
What a trip. I'm beat.
What, New England?
It's so gorgeous.
You still sound nasal,
but you look better.
Any cold pasta?
There was some ziti,
but it got eaten.
The whole tray? From last Sunday?
Monsignor Jughead was here.
If you are referring
to Father Intintola, yes, he was.
- He spent the night here.
- Yeah, right.
Okay.
The priest spent the night here?
What happened?
- Nothing.
- Where was Anthony?
Sleeping over at Jason's.
The priest spent the night here,
nothing happened.
- You're telling me this because?
- You might hear something.
His car was out front all night.
You know what? This is too fucked-up
for me even to think about.
What'd you guys do for 12 hours,
play "Name That Pope"?
- He gave me Communion.
- I'll bet he gave you Communion.
Excuse me?
The guy spends the night here,
and all he does is slip you a wafer?
- That's verging on sacrilege.
- I didn't mean to verge.
- Do you think I'm lying?
- It sounds...
Would I have told you if we did? Do
I look like the frigging Thorn Bird?
He's a fag. That's it.
Otherwise, I gotta question
what I'm hearing.
Tony, you are a sketch.
Oh, by the way,
your therapist called.
Jennifer?
Carm!
I thought you'd think it was weird
if I saw a woman psychiatrist.
Carm, come on! It's just therapy,
that's all! We just talk!