The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 5, Episode 12 - Bart Gets Famous - full transcript
Bart becomes an overnight sensation as the "I didn't do it" boy on Krusty the Clown's show.
Ah, the morning horoscope.
'Today will be a day
like every other day.' D'oh!
It just gets worse and worse.
Bart, I've asked you not
to whistle that annoying tune.
Jawohl, mein Mommandant.
- Why are you so happy?
Yeah. You kids gotta go to school.
I gotta go to work.
The only one who has it easy is Marge.
We're having a field trip today.
Ah, Lise, won't it be great
to cast off the shackles...
of the soul-crushing hellhole
that is Springfield Elementary?
Oh! I'm sorry. I forgot.
Your class isn't going.
You're right, Bart.
School is for losers.
'And that's how I cured
all disease, ended war...
and reunited the entire cast
ofTV's Facts of Life...
including longtime holdout Tootie.'
Ohh.! Sounds like another
Pulitzer for me to polish.
Hush, field trip boy!
Impaled on my Nobel Peace Prize.
How ironic.
Yo! Lise! Lise!
Come back, Lise! Come back!
- Why?
I'm so much happier here.
And now, Principal Skinner will tell us...
where we'll be going
on this year's field trip.
Thank you, Edna, everyone.
Now, class, I wonder who among you
can tell me what this is?
Oh! Not the box factory again, Seymour.
This may well prove fascinating.
I know.
I'll just do like Lisa...
and escape into fantasy.
Class, instead of going
to the box factory today...
we'll be going to the... box factory.
Damn TV!
You've ruined my imagination...
just like you've ruined my ability to--
to, um-- uh--
Oh, well.
' Fifty-six boxes of bottles
of beer on the wall '
' Fifty-six boxes of bottles of beer '
'You take one down and pass it around '
'Fifty-fve boxes ofbottles
ofbeer on the wall '
Ho!
The story ofhow
two brothers and fve other men...
parlayed a small business loan
into a thriving paper goods concern...
is a long and interesting one.
And here it is.
It all began...
with the fling of Form 637 / A--
the application for
a small business or farm--
Many interesting and important things
have been put into boxes over the years.
Textiles, other boxes,
even children's candy.
Do any of these boxes have candy in 'em?
No.
- Will they ever?
No. We only make boxes to ship nails.
Any other questions?
When will we be able to
see a finished box, sir?
Oh, we don't assemble them here.
That's done in Flint, Michigan.
Any of your workers had
their hands cut off by machinery?
No.
And then the hand started crawling around
and tried to strangle everybody?
No, that has never happened.
- Any popped eyeballs?
I'm not sure what kind
of factory you're thinking of.
We just make boxes here.
This room is the most
popular part of our tour.
It's just like the other rooms.
Yes, but with one important difference.
Oh. We took that out.
Yes, it is just like the other rooms.
What's that building over there?
- That's just a TVstudio...
where they film Krusty the Clown
and other non-box-related programs.
Since it has nothing to do with boxes,
I'll just shut these blinds.
- Oh, man.
Now, here's my office.
If you'll direct your eyes to the floor,
you'll see a yellow line.
Follow it. It will lead you
around my desk and back out the door.
Mm-hmm.
Mmm. Mm-hmm.
I gotta get out of here. Aha!
The perfect escape.
Hmm.
Oh!
Ah! Do you work here, little boy?
Yeah.
- Well, then, go right in, sir.
Yeah.
- Well, then, go right in, sir.
Bart!
-
I'll handle this.
Simpson, I'm giving you until
the count of three to come out.
One! Two! Three!
I've done all I can do.
- We'd better call his parents.
- Just a minute!
Don't hang up!
-
No answer at home.
I'll call his father.
- Just a minute! Don't hang up!
Y'ello? You'll have to speak up.
I'm wearing a towel.
Somebody need a script?
Action!
- Ay, ay, ay.!: No me gusta.!
I'm sorry.
I'm really not comfortable with this, Ethan.
What's the matter, luv?
It's just-- It's-It's the same,
old, tired gags, isn't it?
I mean, let's give the audience some credit.
How about a giant mousetrap?
- I love it!
Action!
- Ay, ay, ay.!: No me gusta.!
Ay, es grande.!
What do you mean,
you lost him?
He might have fallen into
one of these machines!
Oh, my God!
That's his lucky red hat!
He's a box!
My boy's a box!
Damn you!
A box!
'
I said I wanted a Danish.!
- I'm sorry.
All the Danishes are gone.
- They're not gone.
You're gone!
- Uh-oh.
'Tragic news tonight.
120 dead...
in a tidal wave in Kuala La-la--'
'Pur--' 'Kuala Lum-pur--'
France.
- Yoink!
Yoink?
Ah, heck.
Now, where am I gonna get a Danish?
Here's a Danish, Krusty.
- Gimme, gimme, gimme!
Now, that's Danish.
Where'd you get it?
I stole it from Kent Brockman.
Great! Uh, he didn't touch it, did he?
No.
Good job, kid.
What's your name?
I'm Bart Simpson.
I saved you from jail.
Oh, I--
I reunited you with your estranged father.
Uh, I don't, uh--
I saved your career, man!
Remember your comeback special?
Yeah, well, what have
you done for me lately?
I got you that Danish.
- And I'll never forget it.
Hey, kid.
Wow! A big clown hankie.
It's a towel, you yutz.!
I want you to wash it.
You're my new assistant.
Cool!
Yeah, I know I'm on.
But I don't care.
I don't read the news until I get my Danish.
Go ahead.
Try to find a replacement. Aah!
A powerful tidal wave in Kuala Lumpur
has killed 1 20 people.
Ay, chihuahua.!
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Marge, I have some horrible,
bone-chilling news!
What is it?
- Hi, Homer.
Oh, nothing.
- Hey.
That's my lucky red hat sittin' on top...
of a double-corrugated,
eight-fold, 1 4-gauge box.
Oh, it sounds like you really
learned something on your field trip.
Think you'd be interested in
a career as a box maker?
Well, that'll always be the dream.
But for now, I got a job
in the show business.
From now on, I'll be helping
Krusty the Clown after school.
Mmm, I don't know, Bart.
You're only 1 0.
I've got a weekend job helping the poor,
and I'm only eight.
That's not a job. It's a waste of time.
What can poor people pay you?
Nothin'!
What satisfaction do you get
from helping them? None!
Who wants to help poor people anyway?
Nobody!
So, anyway, can I, Mom?
Can I take the job?
- Well--
Why not?
I remember my first after-school job.
I was in a band.
Hello, everybody.
I'm Archie Bell, and I'm also The Drells.
We got a new song called 'Tighten Up,'
and this is the music you tighten up with.
Hey, whatsa matter, you? You crazy kid,
you chasing away my business.
Buzz off, Giuseppe.
- Pepe, go for the face!
Help! Aah!
Yes, Son.
You can have an electric guitar...
just like your old man.
Dad, I'm asking if I can get a job.
Gig, Son. When you're a musician,
a job is called a gig.
Wow. Being in show
business is like a dream.
We're really lucky, aren't we?
I wish I was dead.
- Don't listen to him, kid.
This is a dream factory.
The birthplace of magic and enchantment.
Now I need you to go clean out my toilet.
Right in here, boy.
If it-- Ooh!
I don't know what I was thinking last night.
This'll take you a couple hours.
I'm tellin' ya.
I do work on the Krusty Show.
Look at the credits.
- Bye-bye, kids!
I'm Kent Brockman.
On the 1 1:00 news tonight...
a certain kind of soft drink
has been found to be lethal.
We won't tell you which
one until after sports...
and the weather with Funny Sonny Storm.
There's my name, right there--
Bart Simpson.
Looks more like 'Brad Storch.'
No, it says, 'Betty.' 'Betty Symington.'
That's for taking credit
for other people's work.
Oh!
It's okay, Son. Who cares
what a bunch of fourth-graders think?
You're doing what you want to do
with your life. Nothin' else matters.
Thanks, Dad.
That's great advice.
Yep. Well, that's what
got me where I am today.
Oh.
- There, there.
Would you sign my picture, Krusty?
- Sure, kid. Get in line.
Okay, kids, open your books to page 60--
-
Yes, Krusty?
- Bart, I need to get your fingerprints
on a candlestick.
Meet me in the conservatory chop-chop.
Don't worry. Everything's
gonna be all right.
Oh!
I wish I was dead.
Aah! There's cheese in this sandwich!
Surely you know I'm lactose intolerant!
Sorry.
- Sorry?
Do you know how sick this is going
to make me?
Oh, boy.
Come stand next to the bathroom door.
I want to yell at you some more.
Why, you little rapscallion--
Oh, show business sucks. I'm outta here.
-
The most hideous child
I have ever witnessed.!
Bart! I need to use you in a sketch.
You want me to be on the show?
- It's just one line.
Mel's supposed to say it, but he's dead.
- Dead?
Or sick.
I don't know. I forget.
Anyway, all you gotta do is say,
'I am waiting for a bus.'
Then I hit you with pies for five minutes.
Got that?
'I am waiting for a bus.'
- Makes me laugh. Let's go.
I am waiting for a-- Whoa!
Ooh!
- Aah!
I didn't do it.
-
Oh, man. It's a miracle
we got through that one.
Remind me never to let you
on stage again, kid.
Some people got it,
some people don't.
And you, my young friend,
do not have--
Hold on. I wanna finish
this thought outside.
It's that kid!
-
It's the 'I didn't do it' guy!
He's mine! I own him
and all the subsidiary rights!
Why, this rickety ladder
in front of this door...
is the perfect place
for this priceless Ming vase.
Eh? Eh?
I didn't do it.
Thank you.
Thank you.
And now,
the 'I didn't do it' dancers!
Don't move, dude.
This is totally a gun.
- I didn't do it.
- And then the boy says the thing--
- Honey!
Joe, how could you?
I, uh, didn't do it.
Help! Help!
This is the third time
that this building has burned down...
because someone has been smokin' in bed.
I didn't do it.
Help me!
This biography of Bart
came out awfully quickly.
It's not even about him.
- Sure it is. Look at the cover.
But inside,
it's mostly about Ross Perot...
and the last two chapters are excerpts
from the Oliver North trial.
Ah, Oliver North.
He was just poured into that uniform.
I didn't do it.
I didn't do it.
Hey, proper.
I have to pay to see my own grandson!
That's the democrats for ya!
See the boy-- five dollars.
Or call him 2 4 hours a day on BartChat.
BartChat.
Are you Bart?
- Sure, I am.
I didn't do nothin'.
- Uh, isn't it, 'I didn't do it'?
Yeah, whatever.
Um, I never thought I'd say this,
but shouldn't we be learning something?
Say the line, Bart.
I didn't do it.
Yea!
Come on, Lisa.
Say somethin' funny.
Like what?
- Oh, somethin' stupid like Bart would say.
Bucka bucka, or woozle wozzle.
Somethin' like that.
Forget it, Dad.
If I ever become famous...
I want it to be for something worthwhile,
not because of some obnoxious fad.
Obnoxious fad?
- Ah, don't worry, Son.
You know, they said
the same thing about Urkel.
That little snot boy.
I'd like to smack that kid!
What the hell are you reading books for?
I'm doing the Conan O'Brien show...
and I wanna have
some intelligent stuff to talk about.
Don't forget to say,
'I didn't do it.'
Dad, there's more to me
than just a catchphrase.
How do you figure, boy?
- Watch the Conan O'Brien show. You'll see.
All right. But after Leno,
I'm all laughed out, you know.
You know, Conan, I have a lot to say.
I'm not just a one-line wonder.
Did you know...
that a section of rain forest the size
of Kansas is burned every single--
Just do the line.
- I didn't do it.
Great material.
We'll be right back.
- '
Sit perfectly still. Only I may dance.
-
'Just do the line.' 'Just do the line.'
What's gonna happen to me?
And now, it's time for Match Game 2034...
with Billy Crystal...
Hey!
- Farrah Fawcett-Majors- O'Neal-Varney...
- the 'I didn't do it'boy...
- ventriloquist Loni Anderson...
Ooh!
- Spike Lee...
and the always lovely
and vivacious head of Kitty Carlisle.
Hi, everybody! Let's start the game!
Aah!
Bart, it's time to get ready for the show.
No!
Where's that little punk?
We go on in 1 0 minutes.
Oh, the tension.
Somebody, walk on my back.
Huh?
Ow! Oh-- Ow!
One at a time!
No Teamsters!
Honey, I know you feel a little silly...
saying the same four words
over and over, but you shouldn't.
You're making people happy,
and that's a very hard thing to do.
You're right, Mom.
I shouldn't let this bother me.
I'm in television now.
It's my job to be repetitive.
My job.
My job.
Repetitiveness is my job.
I am gonna go out there tonight
and give the best performance of my life.
The best performance of your life?
The best performance of my life.
Where is that lousy little pisher?
Bart!
'
- And now, boys and girls...
here he is, the boy that says
the words you've been longing to hear...
like the salivating dogs that you are,
Bart Simpson!
I didn't do it.
I didn't do it.
-
Woozle wozzle?
What the--
-
That's what passes for entertainment
these days? Woozle wozzle?
Ladies and gentlemen, the Clown Show...
has been put on hiatus for retooling.
What happened?
- Oh, don't worry about that.
You're just finished, that's all.
Finished?
- It happens all the time.
That's show business for you.
One day, you're the most
important guy who ever lived.
The next day, you're some schmo
working in a box factory.
I heard that!
Boy, show business is
kind of cruel, isn't it?
And that was 'Kung Fu Fighting.'
Say, speaking of one-trick ponies, whatever
happened to that 'I didn't do it' kid?
Boy, did that get old fast. Whoa!
You know, if you wanna last
in this business, you gotta stay fresh.
I saved these for you, Bart.
You'll always have them
to remind you of the time...
when you were the whole world's
special little guy.
Thanks, Mom.
And now you can go back
to just being you...
instead of a one-dimensional character
with a silly catchphrase.
D'oh!
- Ay, caramba.!
Hidilly-ho!
-
Ha-ha!
- Excellent.
If anyone wants me,
I'll be in my room.
What kind of catchphrase is that?
'Today will be a day
like every other day.' D'oh!
It just gets worse and worse.
Bart, I've asked you not
to whistle that annoying tune.
Jawohl, mein Mommandant.
- Why are you so happy?
Yeah. You kids gotta go to school.
I gotta go to work.
The only one who has it easy is Marge.
We're having a field trip today.
Ah, Lise, won't it be great
to cast off the shackles...
of the soul-crushing hellhole
that is Springfield Elementary?
Oh! I'm sorry. I forgot.
Your class isn't going.
You're right, Bart.
School is for losers.
'And that's how I cured
all disease, ended war...
and reunited the entire cast
ofTV's Facts of Life...
including longtime holdout Tootie.'
Ohh.! Sounds like another
Pulitzer for me to polish.
Hush, field trip boy!
Impaled on my Nobel Peace Prize.
How ironic.
Yo! Lise! Lise!
Come back, Lise! Come back!
- Why?
I'm so much happier here.
And now, Principal Skinner will tell us...
where we'll be going
on this year's field trip.
Thank you, Edna, everyone.
Now, class, I wonder who among you
can tell me what this is?
Oh! Not the box factory again, Seymour.
This may well prove fascinating.
I know.
I'll just do like Lisa...
and escape into fantasy.
Class, instead of going
to the box factory today...
we'll be going to the... box factory.
Damn TV!
You've ruined my imagination...
just like you've ruined my ability to--
to, um-- uh--
Oh, well.
' Fifty-six boxes of bottles
of beer on the wall '
' Fifty-six boxes of bottles of beer '
'You take one down and pass it around '
'Fifty-fve boxes ofbottles
ofbeer on the wall '
Ho!
The story ofhow
two brothers and fve other men...
parlayed a small business loan
into a thriving paper goods concern...
is a long and interesting one.
And here it is.
It all began...
with the fling of Form 637 / A--
the application for
a small business or farm--
Many interesting and important things
have been put into boxes over the years.
Textiles, other boxes,
even children's candy.
Do any of these boxes have candy in 'em?
No.
- Will they ever?
No. We only make boxes to ship nails.
Any other questions?
When will we be able to
see a finished box, sir?
Oh, we don't assemble them here.
That's done in Flint, Michigan.
Any of your workers had
their hands cut off by machinery?
No.
And then the hand started crawling around
and tried to strangle everybody?
No, that has never happened.
- Any popped eyeballs?
I'm not sure what kind
of factory you're thinking of.
We just make boxes here.
This room is the most
popular part of our tour.
It's just like the other rooms.
Yes, but with one important difference.
Oh. We took that out.
Yes, it is just like the other rooms.
What's that building over there?
- That's just a TVstudio...
where they film Krusty the Clown
and other non-box-related programs.
Since it has nothing to do with boxes,
I'll just shut these blinds.
- Oh, man.
Now, here's my office.
If you'll direct your eyes to the floor,
you'll see a yellow line.
Follow it. It will lead you
around my desk and back out the door.
Mm-hmm.
Mmm. Mm-hmm.
I gotta get out of here. Aha!
The perfect escape.
Hmm.
Oh!
Ah! Do you work here, little boy?
Yeah.
- Well, then, go right in, sir.
Yeah.
- Well, then, go right in, sir.
Bart!
-
I'll handle this.
Simpson, I'm giving you until
the count of three to come out.
One! Two! Three!
I've done all I can do.
- We'd better call his parents.
- Just a minute!
Don't hang up!
-
No answer at home.
I'll call his father.
- Just a minute! Don't hang up!
Y'ello? You'll have to speak up.
I'm wearing a towel.
Somebody need a script?
Action!
- Ay, ay, ay.!: No me gusta.!
I'm sorry.
I'm really not comfortable with this, Ethan.
What's the matter, luv?
It's just-- It's-It's the same,
old, tired gags, isn't it?
I mean, let's give the audience some credit.
How about a giant mousetrap?
- I love it!
Action!
- Ay, ay, ay.!: No me gusta.!
Ay, es grande.!
What do you mean,
you lost him?
He might have fallen into
one of these machines!
Oh, my God!
That's his lucky red hat!
He's a box!
My boy's a box!
Damn you!
A box!
'
I said I wanted a Danish.!
- I'm sorry.
All the Danishes are gone.
- They're not gone.
You're gone!
- Uh-oh.
'Tragic news tonight.
120 dead...
in a tidal wave in Kuala La-la--'
'Pur--' 'Kuala Lum-pur--'
France.
- Yoink!
Yoink?
Ah, heck.
Now, where am I gonna get a Danish?
Here's a Danish, Krusty.
- Gimme, gimme, gimme!
Now, that's Danish.
Where'd you get it?
I stole it from Kent Brockman.
Great! Uh, he didn't touch it, did he?
No.
Good job, kid.
What's your name?
I'm Bart Simpson.
I saved you from jail.
Oh, I--
I reunited you with your estranged father.
Uh, I don't, uh--
I saved your career, man!
Remember your comeback special?
Yeah, well, what have
you done for me lately?
I got you that Danish.
- And I'll never forget it.
Hey, kid.
Wow! A big clown hankie.
It's a towel, you yutz.!
I want you to wash it.
You're my new assistant.
Cool!
Yeah, I know I'm on.
But I don't care.
I don't read the news until I get my Danish.
Go ahead.
Try to find a replacement. Aah!
A powerful tidal wave in Kuala Lumpur
has killed 1 20 people.
Ay, chihuahua.!
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Marge, I have some horrible,
bone-chilling news!
What is it?
- Hi, Homer.
Oh, nothing.
- Hey.
That's my lucky red hat sittin' on top...
of a double-corrugated,
eight-fold, 1 4-gauge box.
Oh, it sounds like you really
learned something on your field trip.
Think you'd be interested in
a career as a box maker?
Well, that'll always be the dream.
But for now, I got a job
in the show business.
From now on, I'll be helping
Krusty the Clown after school.
Mmm, I don't know, Bart.
You're only 1 0.
I've got a weekend job helping the poor,
and I'm only eight.
That's not a job. It's a waste of time.
What can poor people pay you?
Nothin'!
What satisfaction do you get
from helping them? None!
Who wants to help poor people anyway?
Nobody!
So, anyway, can I, Mom?
Can I take the job?
- Well--
Why not?
I remember my first after-school job.
I was in a band.
Hello, everybody.
I'm Archie Bell, and I'm also The Drells.
We got a new song called 'Tighten Up,'
and this is the music you tighten up with.
Hey, whatsa matter, you? You crazy kid,
you chasing away my business.
Buzz off, Giuseppe.
- Pepe, go for the face!
Help! Aah!
Yes, Son.
You can have an electric guitar...
just like your old man.
Dad, I'm asking if I can get a job.
Gig, Son. When you're a musician,
a job is called a gig.
Wow. Being in show
business is like a dream.
We're really lucky, aren't we?
I wish I was dead.
- Don't listen to him, kid.
This is a dream factory.
The birthplace of magic and enchantment.
Now I need you to go clean out my toilet.
Right in here, boy.
If it-- Ooh!
I don't know what I was thinking last night.
This'll take you a couple hours.
I'm tellin' ya.
I do work on the Krusty Show.
Look at the credits.
- Bye-bye, kids!
I'm Kent Brockman.
On the 1 1:00 news tonight...
a certain kind of soft drink
has been found to be lethal.
We won't tell you which
one until after sports...
and the weather with Funny Sonny Storm.
There's my name, right there--
Bart Simpson.
Looks more like 'Brad Storch.'
No, it says, 'Betty.' 'Betty Symington.'
That's for taking credit
for other people's work.
Oh!
It's okay, Son. Who cares
what a bunch of fourth-graders think?
You're doing what you want to do
with your life. Nothin' else matters.
Thanks, Dad.
That's great advice.
Yep. Well, that's what
got me where I am today.
Oh.
- There, there.
Would you sign my picture, Krusty?
- Sure, kid. Get in line.
Okay, kids, open your books to page 60--
-
Yes, Krusty?
- Bart, I need to get your fingerprints
on a candlestick.
Meet me in the conservatory chop-chop.
Don't worry. Everything's
gonna be all right.
Oh!
I wish I was dead.
Aah! There's cheese in this sandwich!
Surely you know I'm lactose intolerant!
Sorry.
- Sorry?
Do you know how sick this is going
to make me?
Oh, boy.
Come stand next to the bathroom door.
I want to yell at you some more.
Why, you little rapscallion--
Oh, show business sucks. I'm outta here.
-
The most hideous child
I have ever witnessed.!
Bart! I need to use you in a sketch.
You want me to be on the show?
- It's just one line.
Mel's supposed to say it, but he's dead.
- Dead?
Or sick.
I don't know. I forget.
Anyway, all you gotta do is say,
'I am waiting for a bus.'
Then I hit you with pies for five minutes.
Got that?
'I am waiting for a bus.'
- Makes me laugh. Let's go.
I am waiting for a-- Whoa!
Ooh!
- Aah!
I didn't do it.
-
Oh, man. It's a miracle
we got through that one.
Remind me never to let you
on stage again, kid.
Some people got it,
some people don't.
And you, my young friend,
do not have--
Hold on. I wanna finish
this thought outside.
It's that kid!
-
It's the 'I didn't do it' guy!
He's mine! I own him
and all the subsidiary rights!
Why, this rickety ladder
in front of this door...
is the perfect place
for this priceless Ming vase.
Eh? Eh?
I didn't do it.
Thank you.
Thank you.
And now,
the 'I didn't do it' dancers!
Don't move, dude.
This is totally a gun.
- I didn't do it.
- And then the boy says the thing--
- Honey!
Joe, how could you?
I, uh, didn't do it.
Help! Help!
This is the third time
that this building has burned down...
because someone has been smokin' in bed.
I didn't do it.
Help me!
This biography of Bart
came out awfully quickly.
It's not even about him.
- Sure it is. Look at the cover.
But inside,
it's mostly about Ross Perot...
and the last two chapters are excerpts
from the Oliver North trial.
Ah, Oliver North.
He was just poured into that uniform.
I didn't do it.
I didn't do it.
Hey, proper.
I have to pay to see my own grandson!
That's the democrats for ya!
See the boy-- five dollars.
Or call him 2 4 hours a day on BartChat.
BartChat.
Are you Bart?
- Sure, I am.
I didn't do nothin'.
- Uh, isn't it, 'I didn't do it'?
Yeah, whatever.
Um, I never thought I'd say this,
but shouldn't we be learning something?
Say the line, Bart.
I didn't do it.
Yea!
Come on, Lisa.
Say somethin' funny.
Like what?
- Oh, somethin' stupid like Bart would say.
Bucka bucka, or woozle wozzle.
Somethin' like that.
Forget it, Dad.
If I ever become famous...
I want it to be for something worthwhile,
not because of some obnoxious fad.
Obnoxious fad?
- Ah, don't worry, Son.
You know, they said
the same thing about Urkel.
That little snot boy.
I'd like to smack that kid!
What the hell are you reading books for?
I'm doing the Conan O'Brien show...
and I wanna have
some intelligent stuff to talk about.
Don't forget to say,
'I didn't do it.'
Dad, there's more to me
than just a catchphrase.
How do you figure, boy?
- Watch the Conan O'Brien show. You'll see.
All right. But after Leno,
I'm all laughed out, you know.
You know, Conan, I have a lot to say.
I'm not just a one-line wonder.
Did you know...
that a section of rain forest the size
of Kansas is burned every single--
Just do the line.
- I didn't do it.
Great material.
We'll be right back.
- '
Sit perfectly still. Only I may dance.
-
'Just do the line.' 'Just do the line.'
What's gonna happen to me?
And now, it's time for Match Game 2034...
with Billy Crystal...
Hey!
- Farrah Fawcett-Majors- O'Neal-Varney...
- the 'I didn't do it'boy...
- ventriloquist Loni Anderson...
Ooh!
- Spike Lee...
and the always lovely
and vivacious head of Kitty Carlisle.
Hi, everybody! Let's start the game!
Aah!
Bart, it's time to get ready for the show.
No!
Where's that little punk?
We go on in 1 0 minutes.
Oh, the tension.
Somebody, walk on my back.
Huh?
Ow! Oh-- Ow!
One at a time!
No Teamsters!
Honey, I know you feel a little silly...
saying the same four words
over and over, but you shouldn't.
You're making people happy,
and that's a very hard thing to do.
You're right, Mom.
I shouldn't let this bother me.
I'm in television now.
It's my job to be repetitive.
My job.
My job.
Repetitiveness is my job.
I am gonna go out there tonight
and give the best performance of my life.
The best performance of your life?
The best performance of my life.
Where is that lousy little pisher?
Bart!
'
- And now, boys and girls...
here he is, the boy that says
the words you've been longing to hear...
like the salivating dogs that you are,
Bart Simpson!
I didn't do it.
I didn't do it.
-
Woozle wozzle?
What the--
-
That's what passes for entertainment
these days? Woozle wozzle?
Ladies and gentlemen, the Clown Show...
has been put on hiatus for retooling.
What happened?
- Oh, don't worry about that.
You're just finished, that's all.
Finished?
- It happens all the time.
That's show business for you.
One day, you're the most
important guy who ever lived.
The next day, you're some schmo
working in a box factory.
I heard that!
Boy, show business is
kind of cruel, isn't it?
And that was 'Kung Fu Fighting.'
Say, speaking of one-trick ponies, whatever
happened to that 'I didn't do it' kid?
Boy, did that get old fast. Whoa!
You know, if you wanna last
in this business, you gotta stay fresh.
I saved these for you, Bart.
You'll always have them
to remind you of the time...
when you were the whole world's
special little guy.
Thanks, Mom.
And now you can go back
to just being you...
instead of a one-dimensional character
with a silly catchphrase.
D'oh!
- Ay, caramba.!
Hidilly-ho!
-
Ha-ha!
- Excellent.
If anyone wants me,
I'll be in my room.
What kind of catchphrase is that?