The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 5, Episode 10 - $pringfield (Or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Legalized Gambling) - full transcript
In order to revitalize its economy, Springfield decides to legalize gambling. As a consequence, Marge becomes addicted to using slot machines, while Mr. Burns develops a Howard Hughes complex.
The News On Parade
Corporation presents...
News On Parade...
Corporation News.
Bringing you the world of current events.!
New gadgets.!
And Hollywood.!
Look.! It's Amos
from radio's Amos and Andy.
Hello, everybody!
Springfield.: City on the grow.!
It's a proud day as Springfield is declared...
one of America's
400 fastest growing cities.!
And why not?
Business is booming.!
Half the country wears
Springfield galoshes.
And say hello to the state's
first aqua-car factory.
Keep 'em coming, boys.!
The city's even in the celebrity business.
Everyone knows...
Professor 'Rubber Mouth'
hails from Springfield.
Bravo.!
Everybody's chipping in.
Even this fella has
Springfield's can-do spirit.!
So, watch out, Utica.
Springfield is a city on the... grow.
The way people act around here...
you'd think the streets
were paved with gold.
They are.
Got any spare change,
man?
Yes! And you ain't gettin' it!
Everybody wants somethin' for nothin'.
I'm old.! Gimme, gimme, gimme.!
Huh? Hey!
There's something you don't see
in a toilet every day.
Anybody lose their glasses?
Last chance.
Whoo-hoo!
The sum of the square roots
of any two sides of an isosceles triangle...
is equal to the square root
of the remaining side.
That's a right triangle, ya idiot!
- D'oh!
Thank you so much for visiting our plant,
Dr. Kissinger.
It was fun.
- We'll let you know if your glasses turn up.
Uh, yes. Well, I'm sure I left them in the car.
No one must know
I dropped them in the toilet.
Not I, the man who drafted
the Paris Peace Accords.
Mm-hmm. Mmm.
- Mm. Huh.
Mmm. Hmm.
Sir, bad news from Accounting.
The economy's hit us pretty hard.
Tough times, huh?
I've lived through 1 2 recessions...
eight panics and five years
of McKinleynomics.
I'll survive this.
- Even so, sir. We could stand to lay off
a few employees.
Oh! Very well. Lay off...
him, him, him, him-- Hmm.
Better keep the egghead.
He just might come in handy.
Dad, you shouldn't wear glasses
that weren't prescribed for you.
Lisa, just because you're 1 0 feet tall
doesn't mean you can tell me what to do.
I'm Bart.
- Give me those.
And finally, Henry Kissinger
was hospitalized...
today after walking into a wall.
Now over to Kent Brockman
with some grim economic news.
Scott, things aren't as happy as they used...
to be down here at the
unemployment office.
Joblessness is no longer
just for philosophy majors.
Useful people are starting to feel the pinch.
I haven't been able to find a job in six years.
Huh. And what training do you have?
Five years of modern dance.
Six years of tap.
The economic slump began last spring...
when the government
closed Fort Springfield...
devastating the city's liquor
and prostitution industries.
Now, at the risk of being unpopular...
this reporter places the blame
for all this squarely on you, the viewers.
I propose that I use what's left
of the town treasury...
to move to a more prosperous
town and run for mayor.
And once elected, I will
send for the rest of you.
Boo!
Excuse me, Mr. Mayor?
The chair recognizes the little chick
with the gleam of hope in her eyes.
This piggy bank contains $1 5
I saved from my allowance.
It isn't much,
but I would like to help.
Aw, just what I need to tip the skycaps.
I'll tell you what made this town great!
Good, old-fashioned gumption!
There's nothing here
a little elbow grease won't fix!
So let's roll up our sleeves...
and--
People! People! Let's be
a little more realistic.
Now, I, uh, hesitate to bring this up...
but a number of cities
have rejuvenated their economies...
with, uh, legalized gambling.
There is an added bonus.
Some of the revenue...
can go to help
our underfunded public schools.
Well, I like the part about the gambling.
- What do you think, Reverend?
Once something has been approved
by the government, it's no longer immoral.
Yea!
- By building a casino...
I could tighten my stranglehold
on this dismal town!
Yea!
Yea!
Well, now.
Are there any objections?
Probably Marge is gonna have some.
Actually, I think it might
really help our economy.
Very well then.
Instead of fleeing this town...
I'll stay here and grow fat
off kickbacks and slush funds.
Yea!
This could be a whole new
beginning for Springfield.
And you know what the best part is?
We've really done
something for the children.
We're thrilled you've decided
to build your casino on our waterfront.
Oh, I'll never forget my carefree
boyhood days on this old boardwalk.
Why, you--
Master Burns!
I mean, carry on.
Me leg's gone gimpy!
Who'll provide for me little ones?
Oh-- What was I laughing at now?
Oh, yes.
That crippled Irishman.
Sir, the designers are here
with some prototypes for your casino.
Gentlemen, I give you Britannia!
Gambling with all the glitz and glamour
of the British Isles.
Best of all, the waitresses and showgirls
are all real Brits.
Fresh from the streets of Sussex they are!
Freshen your drink,
governor?
Get out.
- Okay. All right. Wait--
Now-- Now, dig this, man--
- Get out!
Wow.
Oh, let me just get my head together.
Now!
I'll need three ships and 50 stout men.
We'll sail round the horn and
return with spices and silk...
the likes of which ye have never seen.
We're building a casino!
- Arr.
Can you give me five minutes?
Idiots. I'll design it myself!.
I know what people like.
It's got to have sex appeal...
and a catchy name.
It's got to have sex appeal...
and a catchy name.
Mom, we're having
a geography pageant at school...
and I don't know which state to go as.
In honor of legalized gambling,
why not go as the state of Nevada?
No. Nevada makes my butt look big.
Then how 'bout going as Florida?
You enjoy orange juice.
Old people like you.
Dad, what do you think?
Shh! I'm trying to teach the baby to gamble.
Why?
- I got a job at Burns's casino.
As you know, it's been my lifelong dream
to become a blackjack dealer.
Your lifelong dream
was to be a contestant on The Gong Show.
And you did it in 1977.
Remember?
We got more gongs than the break-dancing
robot that caught on fire.
Hello. I'm retired
heavyweight boxer Gerry Cooney.
Welcome to Mr. Burns Casino.
If there's anything I can do to make...
your visit more enjoyable,
please let me know.
Yeah, great. See ya!
- Uh, don't forget to apply for...
our V.I.P. Platinum Club
for special discounts on--
Hey! I said bug off!.
-
Uh, let's see.
18, 27, 35--
Dealer bust! Looks like you all win again.
Yee-haw! Homer...
I want you to have my lucky hat.
I wore it the day Kennedy was shot...
and it always brings me good luck.
Why, thanks, Senator.
Oop! Looks like my shift is over.
Uh-oh!
Come on, lucky seven!
Papa needs a new pair of spats.
I want some of that sweet, sweet do-re-mi!
Fat City, here I come!
Please throw the dice now.
Please. Now.
Don't rush me!
I have arthritis.
Will the gentleman please roll the dice?
All right, all right,
smart guy.
Oh, for crying out loud,
I dropped one.
Oh! Now it's in my shoe!
Ow! Ow! Ooh!
Ow! Ooh! Ow! Ooh!
A round of applause please for Anastasia!
She loves show business.
So much nicer than the savagery
of the jungle, ja?
So much nicer than the savagery
of the jungle, ja?
Hey, tiger! Wake up!
Whoo-hoo! Jackpot.
Wait a minute!
Are you over 21?
Are you?
- I'm not authorized to answer that.
By the way,
your martinis suck!
Oh, yeah? What are you gonna do?
Start your own casino...
in your tree house and get
your little friends to come?
I'd like to see that!
Hi. Yeah, welcome.
Have a lucky day.! Mm-hmm.
Hi. Yeah, welcome.
Have a lucky day.! Mm-hmm.
Well, he certainly showed me.
Hi, Homie.!
Hey, Marge, after your big tantrum
against legalized gambling...
I bet it feels pretty weird to be in a casino.
I was for the casino!
- Strike three, Marge!
I remember that meeting,
and I have a photographic memory.
Legalized gambling is a bad idea.
You can build a casino over my dead body.
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
For you. It's the president.
- Y'ello?
And then I said to the president-- Get this--
Marge? Marge?
Hmm.
Hmm, I wonder if they have
a lost and found.
Oh, what the hey!
Mmm!
Hmm.
Hey, how's it goin'?
Hey! Good to see you. Tell your friends.
Lookin' lucky! Hey, what's happenin'?
Love the jacket.
Lookin' lucky! Hey, what's happenin'?
Love the jacket.
Behold the box of mystery!
The cat goes in-- right here--
Twenty-one?
Do that card-counting thing again.
Come on. Do it again.
Definitely have to leave the table.
No! Please, please,
please, please, please.
Gotta watch Wapner.
Leave the table. Yeah, leave the table.
No!
-
Sir, you haven't slept
since the casino opened five days ago.
I've discovered the perfect business.
People swarm in,
empty their pockets and scuttle off!.
Nothing can stop me now!
Except microscopic germs.
But we won't let that
happen, will we, Smithers?
Uh-- No, sir.
Whoa! A baby on the
table! That's good luck!
Yea!
Snake eyes. Sorry.
- Boo!
Garsh, it must be excitin'
to live in the casino.
Ja.
- You know, we are having a party tonight.
Whoa, Marge!
You gotta watch out.
Your little boy Bart
could have been eaten by that pony!
Oh, my God!
Barney, thank you.
I would never have forgiven myself.
Now, you stay put,
young lady.
Oh!
Man, that's classic compulsive behavior.
Wow! Free beer!
Buddy, those are my quarters!
Hey, this guy's paying off!.
I don't wanna hit a sore spot,
but can we talk about herpes?
' Herpes, herpes, bo-berpes '
' Banana-fana, fo-ferpes Herpes, oh '
Hey, that spot on Gorbachev's head--
Herpes! Trust me.
Anybody here have herpes? Huh? Huh?
-
You people are the worst audience
I've ever seen.
Well, you're the worst comedian
we've ever seen!
Oh, great! Well, we'll just sit here
silently for the next 90 minutes.
Fine with us.
-
They're all covered with filthy germs!
Aren't they, Smithers?
Why, what do you mean, sir?
Freemasons run the country!
- Ew!
Marge, you waited for me!
Okay, Marge. Let's go.
- I'll catch up to you.
Marge, I'm taking the car.
- I'll walk.
This late? Through the bad neighborhood?
- Yeah.
Marge--
- Go home! You're bad luck!
Wait! I see what's happening here.
You're just mad because everyone
in this town loves gambling except for you!
Well, that's just sad.
-
Um--
- What?
Excuse me, ma'am.
Don't you think you've gambled enough?
No!
Okay. We're required by law to ask
every 7 5 hours. Get her another free drink.
Do you get the feeling
this family is disintegrating?
I mean, we haven't had a meal with Mom
all week.
And she hasn't even started my costume
for the geography pageant.
Pipe down, Sister!
I gotta book a new act for tonight.
Turns out that Liza Minnelli impersonator
was really Liza Minnelli.
There's nothing to eat for breakfast!
- You gotta improvise, Lisa.
Cloves, Tom Collins mix,
frozen pie crust--
Mmm!
Maybe Mom just doesn't
realize we miss her.
We could go down to the casino
and let her know.
Aw, come on, Lisa.
There's no reason to--
Let's go see Mom.
Marge, we need to talk.
You're spending too much
time at the casino,
and I think you may have a problem.
I won $60 last night.
Whoo-hoo!
Problem solved!
Smithers,
I've designed a new plane.
I call it the Spruce Moose,
and it will carry 200 passengers...
from New York's Idlewild Airport
to the Belgian Congo in 1 7 minutes!
That's quite a nice model, sir.
- Model?
Mom.!
- Huh? What? Lisa, what's up?
I just had a bad dream.
- Oh, sure.
You just lie down and tell me all about it.
Well, I know it's absurd, but I dreamed...
the bogeyman was after
me, and he's hiding--
Bogeyman!
You nail the windows shut.
I'll get the gun.
Bart, I don't want to alarm you...
but there may be a bogeyman
or bogeymen in the house.
Hmm.
What happened here?
- Oh, nothing, Marge.
Just a little incident
involving the bogeyman!
None of this would have
happened if you had...
been here to keep me from acting stupid!
Oh, I'm sorry. I have been spending
too much time at the casino.
I'll be around more from now on.
Does this mean you'll help me
with my costume?
Oh, sure, honey.
I promise.
Thanks, Mom.
- Mmm.
Aw, just like on TV.
Hi. You from the casino?
I'm from a casino.
- Good enough. Let's go.
I'm afraid Robert Goulet
hasn't arrived yet, sir.
Hmm. Very well.
Begin the thawing ofJim Nabors.
Are you sure this is the casino?
I think I should call my manager.
Your manager says for you to shut up!
Vera said that?
Huh.
Dad! Mom said she'd be home
to help me with my costume.
And she's not!
And the geography pageant is tonight!
Lisa, your mom still loves you.
It's just that she has a career now.
She's a slot jockey.
But if I don't show up in a rubber suit
shaped like the state of Florida...
I'll be the laughingstock
of the whole school.
Oh, it's always something,
isn't it?
First I have to drive
your pregnant mother to the hospital...
so she can give birth to you,
and now this!
Ow, ow, ow, ow.
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow,
ow, ow, ow!
Dad!
- Oh, yeah. The costume.
Hello, 'Floreda'!
I'm not a state!
I'm a monster!
No, Lisa. The only monster here
is the gambling monster...
that has enslaved your mother!
I call him Gamblor!
And it's time to snatch your mother
from his neon claws!
Marge! Where are you?
Damn this casino!
Double stars! Everybody wins!
Yea!
Hey!
Seven. Lucky seven!
- Yea!
Yeah-- Ooh!
- He can't talk now.
Marge?
Hey!
- Smithers...
I don't want that unpredictable lunatic
working in my casino.
Fine. We'll transfer him
to the nuclear plant, sir.
Oh, my beloved plant.
How I miss her.
Bah! To hell with this!
Get my razor! Draw a bath!
And get these Kleenex boxes off my feet!
- Certainly, sir.
And, uh, the jars of urine?
- Oh, we'll hang on to those.
Now, to the plant!
We'll take the Spruce Moose!
Hop in!
- But, sir--
I said hop in.
Homer, what is it?
Slow down.
Yer getta ferda redda oura.
Think before you say each word.
You broke a promise to your child.
- What?
You promised Lisa
to help her with her costume.
You made her cry.
Then I cried.
Then Maggie laughed.
She's such a little trouper.
Lisa's costume!
Homer, I didn't realize.
I'm so sorry.
Marge, I want you to admit
you have a gambling problem.
You know,
you're right, Homer.
Maybe I should get some professional help.
No, no! That's too expensive.
Just don't do it anymore.
'Jingle bells Batman smells '
' Robin laid an egg '
' Batmobile lost its wheel
and TheJoker got away, hey '
Thank you!
Thank you very much.
Ow!
- Oh, I'm sorry, kid.
And special awards
go to the two students...
who obviously had no help
from their parents:
Lisa Simpson and Ralph Wiggum.
I'm Idaho!
- Yes, of course you are.
You know, Marge,
for the first time in our marriage...
I can finally look down my nose at you.
You have a gambling problem!
That's true.
Will you forgive me?
Oh, sure!
Remember when I got caught stealing
all those watches from Sears?
Well, that's nothing,
because you have a gambling problem!
And remember when I let
that escaped lunatic in the house...
'cause he was dressed like Santa Claus?
Well, you have a gambling problem!
Homer, when you forgive someone
you can't throw it back at them like that.
Aw, what a gyp.
Mmm.
- Remember when I--
Homer!
- Oh, yeah. I forgot already.
Corporation presents...
News On Parade...
Corporation News.
Bringing you the world of current events.!
New gadgets.!
And Hollywood.!
Look.! It's Amos
from radio's Amos and Andy.
Hello, everybody!
Springfield.: City on the grow.!
It's a proud day as Springfield is declared...
one of America's
400 fastest growing cities.!
And why not?
Business is booming.!
Half the country wears
Springfield galoshes.
And say hello to the state's
first aqua-car factory.
Keep 'em coming, boys.!
The city's even in the celebrity business.
Everyone knows...
Professor 'Rubber Mouth'
hails from Springfield.
Bravo.!
Everybody's chipping in.
Even this fella has
Springfield's can-do spirit.!
So, watch out, Utica.
Springfield is a city on the... grow.
The way people act around here...
you'd think the streets
were paved with gold.
They are.
Got any spare change,
man?
Yes! And you ain't gettin' it!
Everybody wants somethin' for nothin'.
I'm old.! Gimme, gimme, gimme.!
Huh? Hey!
There's something you don't see
in a toilet every day.
Anybody lose their glasses?
Last chance.
Whoo-hoo!
The sum of the square roots
of any two sides of an isosceles triangle...
is equal to the square root
of the remaining side.
That's a right triangle, ya idiot!
- D'oh!
Thank you so much for visiting our plant,
Dr. Kissinger.
It was fun.
- We'll let you know if your glasses turn up.
Uh, yes. Well, I'm sure I left them in the car.
No one must know
I dropped them in the toilet.
Not I, the man who drafted
the Paris Peace Accords.
Mm-hmm. Mmm.
- Mm. Huh.
Mmm. Hmm.
Sir, bad news from Accounting.
The economy's hit us pretty hard.
Tough times, huh?
I've lived through 1 2 recessions...
eight panics and five years
of McKinleynomics.
I'll survive this.
- Even so, sir. We could stand to lay off
a few employees.
Oh! Very well. Lay off...
him, him, him, him-- Hmm.
Better keep the egghead.
He just might come in handy.
Dad, you shouldn't wear glasses
that weren't prescribed for you.
Lisa, just because you're 1 0 feet tall
doesn't mean you can tell me what to do.
I'm Bart.
- Give me those.
And finally, Henry Kissinger
was hospitalized...
today after walking into a wall.
Now over to Kent Brockman
with some grim economic news.
Scott, things aren't as happy as they used...
to be down here at the
unemployment office.
Joblessness is no longer
just for philosophy majors.
Useful people are starting to feel the pinch.
I haven't been able to find a job in six years.
Huh. And what training do you have?
Five years of modern dance.
Six years of tap.
The economic slump began last spring...
when the government
closed Fort Springfield...
devastating the city's liquor
and prostitution industries.
Now, at the risk of being unpopular...
this reporter places the blame
for all this squarely on you, the viewers.
I propose that I use what's left
of the town treasury...
to move to a more prosperous
town and run for mayor.
And once elected, I will
send for the rest of you.
Boo!
Excuse me, Mr. Mayor?
The chair recognizes the little chick
with the gleam of hope in her eyes.
This piggy bank contains $1 5
I saved from my allowance.
It isn't much,
but I would like to help.
Aw, just what I need to tip the skycaps.
I'll tell you what made this town great!
Good, old-fashioned gumption!
There's nothing here
a little elbow grease won't fix!
So let's roll up our sleeves...
and--
People! People! Let's be
a little more realistic.
Now, I, uh, hesitate to bring this up...
but a number of cities
have rejuvenated their economies...
with, uh, legalized gambling.
There is an added bonus.
Some of the revenue...
can go to help
our underfunded public schools.
Well, I like the part about the gambling.
- What do you think, Reverend?
Once something has been approved
by the government, it's no longer immoral.
Yea!
- By building a casino...
I could tighten my stranglehold
on this dismal town!
Yea!
Yea!
Well, now.
Are there any objections?
Probably Marge is gonna have some.
Actually, I think it might
really help our economy.
Very well then.
Instead of fleeing this town...
I'll stay here and grow fat
off kickbacks and slush funds.
Yea!
This could be a whole new
beginning for Springfield.
And you know what the best part is?
We've really done
something for the children.
We're thrilled you've decided
to build your casino on our waterfront.
Oh, I'll never forget my carefree
boyhood days on this old boardwalk.
Why, you--
Master Burns!
I mean, carry on.
Me leg's gone gimpy!
Who'll provide for me little ones?
Oh-- What was I laughing at now?
Oh, yes.
That crippled Irishman.
Sir, the designers are here
with some prototypes for your casino.
Gentlemen, I give you Britannia!
Gambling with all the glitz and glamour
of the British Isles.
Best of all, the waitresses and showgirls
are all real Brits.
Fresh from the streets of Sussex they are!
Freshen your drink,
governor?
Get out.
- Okay. All right. Wait--
Now-- Now, dig this, man--
- Get out!
Wow.
Oh, let me just get my head together.
Now!
I'll need three ships and 50 stout men.
We'll sail round the horn and
return with spices and silk...
the likes of which ye have never seen.
We're building a casino!
- Arr.
Can you give me five minutes?
Idiots. I'll design it myself!.
I know what people like.
It's got to have sex appeal...
and a catchy name.
It's got to have sex appeal...
and a catchy name.
Mom, we're having
a geography pageant at school...
and I don't know which state to go as.
In honor of legalized gambling,
why not go as the state of Nevada?
No. Nevada makes my butt look big.
Then how 'bout going as Florida?
You enjoy orange juice.
Old people like you.
Dad, what do you think?
Shh! I'm trying to teach the baby to gamble.
Why?
- I got a job at Burns's casino.
As you know, it's been my lifelong dream
to become a blackjack dealer.
Your lifelong dream
was to be a contestant on The Gong Show.
And you did it in 1977.
Remember?
We got more gongs than the break-dancing
robot that caught on fire.
Hello. I'm retired
heavyweight boxer Gerry Cooney.
Welcome to Mr. Burns Casino.
If there's anything I can do to make...
your visit more enjoyable,
please let me know.
Yeah, great. See ya!
- Uh, don't forget to apply for...
our V.I.P. Platinum Club
for special discounts on--
Hey! I said bug off!.
-
Uh, let's see.
18, 27, 35--
Dealer bust! Looks like you all win again.
Yee-haw! Homer...
I want you to have my lucky hat.
I wore it the day Kennedy was shot...
and it always brings me good luck.
Why, thanks, Senator.
Oop! Looks like my shift is over.
Uh-oh!
Come on, lucky seven!
Papa needs a new pair of spats.
I want some of that sweet, sweet do-re-mi!
Fat City, here I come!
Please throw the dice now.
Please. Now.
Don't rush me!
I have arthritis.
Will the gentleman please roll the dice?
All right, all right,
smart guy.
Oh, for crying out loud,
I dropped one.
Oh! Now it's in my shoe!
Ow! Ow! Ooh!
Ow! Ooh! Ow! Ooh!
A round of applause please for Anastasia!
She loves show business.
So much nicer than the savagery
of the jungle, ja?
So much nicer than the savagery
of the jungle, ja?
Hey, tiger! Wake up!
Whoo-hoo! Jackpot.
Wait a minute!
Are you over 21?
Are you?
- I'm not authorized to answer that.
By the way,
your martinis suck!
Oh, yeah? What are you gonna do?
Start your own casino...
in your tree house and get
your little friends to come?
I'd like to see that!
Hi. Yeah, welcome.
Have a lucky day.! Mm-hmm.
Hi. Yeah, welcome.
Have a lucky day.! Mm-hmm.
Well, he certainly showed me.
Hi, Homie.!
Hey, Marge, after your big tantrum
against legalized gambling...
I bet it feels pretty weird to be in a casino.
I was for the casino!
- Strike three, Marge!
I remember that meeting,
and I have a photographic memory.
Legalized gambling is a bad idea.
You can build a casino over my dead body.
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
For you. It's the president.
- Y'ello?
And then I said to the president-- Get this--
Marge? Marge?
Hmm.
Hmm, I wonder if they have
a lost and found.
Oh, what the hey!
Mmm!
Hmm.
Hey, how's it goin'?
Hey! Good to see you. Tell your friends.
Lookin' lucky! Hey, what's happenin'?
Love the jacket.
Lookin' lucky! Hey, what's happenin'?
Love the jacket.
Behold the box of mystery!
The cat goes in-- right here--
Twenty-one?
Do that card-counting thing again.
Come on. Do it again.
Definitely have to leave the table.
No! Please, please,
please, please, please.
Gotta watch Wapner.
Leave the table. Yeah, leave the table.
No!
-
Sir, you haven't slept
since the casino opened five days ago.
I've discovered the perfect business.
People swarm in,
empty their pockets and scuttle off!.
Nothing can stop me now!
Except microscopic germs.
But we won't let that
happen, will we, Smithers?
Uh-- No, sir.
Whoa! A baby on the
table! That's good luck!
Yea!
Snake eyes. Sorry.
- Boo!
Garsh, it must be excitin'
to live in the casino.
Ja.
- You know, we are having a party tonight.
Whoa, Marge!
You gotta watch out.
Your little boy Bart
could have been eaten by that pony!
Oh, my God!
Barney, thank you.
I would never have forgiven myself.
Now, you stay put,
young lady.
Oh!
Man, that's classic compulsive behavior.
Wow! Free beer!
Buddy, those are my quarters!
Hey, this guy's paying off!.
I don't wanna hit a sore spot,
but can we talk about herpes?
' Herpes, herpes, bo-berpes '
' Banana-fana, fo-ferpes Herpes, oh '
Hey, that spot on Gorbachev's head--
Herpes! Trust me.
Anybody here have herpes? Huh? Huh?
-
You people are the worst audience
I've ever seen.
Well, you're the worst comedian
we've ever seen!
Oh, great! Well, we'll just sit here
silently for the next 90 minutes.
Fine with us.
-
They're all covered with filthy germs!
Aren't they, Smithers?
Why, what do you mean, sir?
Freemasons run the country!
- Ew!
Marge, you waited for me!
Okay, Marge. Let's go.
- I'll catch up to you.
Marge, I'm taking the car.
- I'll walk.
This late? Through the bad neighborhood?
- Yeah.
Marge--
- Go home! You're bad luck!
Wait! I see what's happening here.
You're just mad because everyone
in this town loves gambling except for you!
Well, that's just sad.
-
Um--
- What?
Excuse me, ma'am.
Don't you think you've gambled enough?
No!
Okay. We're required by law to ask
every 7 5 hours. Get her another free drink.
Do you get the feeling
this family is disintegrating?
I mean, we haven't had a meal with Mom
all week.
And she hasn't even started my costume
for the geography pageant.
Pipe down, Sister!
I gotta book a new act for tonight.
Turns out that Liza Minnelli impersonator
was really Liza Minnelli.
There's nothing to eat for breakfast!
- You gotta improvise, Lisa.
Cloves, Tom Collins mix,
frozen pie crust--
Mmm!
Maybe Mom just doesn't
realize we miss her.
We could go down to the casino
and let her know.
Aw, come on, Lisa.
There's no reason to--
Let's go see Mom.
Marge, we need to talk.
You're spending too much
time at the casino,
and I think you may have a problem.
I won $60 last night.
Whoo-hoo!
Problem solved!
Smithers,
I've designed a new plane.
I call it the Spruce Moose,
and it will carry 200 passengers...
from New York's Idlewild Airport
to the Belgian Congo in 1 7 minutes!
That's quite a nice model, sir.
- Model?
Mom.!
- Huh? What? Lisa, what's up?
I just had a bad dream.
- Oh, sure.
You just lie down and tell me all about it.
Well, I know it's absurd, but I dreamed...
the bogeyman was after
me, and he's hiding--
Bogeyman!
You nail the windows shut.
I'll get the gun.
Bart, I don't want to alarm you...
but there may be a bogeyman
or bogeymen in the house.
Hmm.
What happened here?
- Oh, nothing, Marge.
Just a little incident
involving the bogeyman!
None of this would have
happened if you had...
been here to keep me from acting stupid!
Oh, I'm sorry. I have been spending
too much time at the casino.
I'll be around more from now on.
Does this mean you'll help me
with my costume?
Oh, sure, honey.
I promise.
Thanks, Mom.
- Mmm.
Aw, just like on TV.
Hi. You from the casino?
I'm from a casino.
- Good enough. Let's go.
I'm afraid Robert Goulet
hasn't arrived yet, sir.
Hmm. Very well.
Begin the thawing ofJim Nabors.
Are you sure this is the casino?
I think I should call my manager.
Your manager says for you to shut up!
Vera said that?
Huh.
Dad! Mom said she'd be home
to help me with my costume.
And she's not!
And the geography pageant is tonight!
Lisa, your mom still loves you.
It's just that she has a career now.
She's a slot jockey.
But if I don't show up in a rubber suit
shaped like the state of Florida...
I'll be the laughingstock
of the whole school.
Oh, it's always something,
isn't it?
First I have to drive
your pregnant mother to the hospital...
so she can give birth to you,
and now this!
Ow, ow, ow, ow.
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow,
ow, ow, ow!
Dad!
- Oh, yeah. The costume.
Hello, 'Floreda'!
I'm not a state!
I'm a monster!
No, Lisa. The only monster here
is the gambling monster...
that has enslaved your mother!
I call him Gamblor!
And it's time to snatch your mother
from his neon claws!
Marge! Where are you?
Damn this casino!
Double stars! Everybody wins!
Yea!
Hey!
Seven. Lucky seven!
- Yea!
Yeah-- Ooh!
- He can't talk now.
Marge?
Hey!
- Smithers...
I don't want that unpredictable lunatic
working in my casino.
Fine. We'll transfer him
to the nuclear plant, sir.
Oh, my beloved plant.
How I miss her.
Bah! To hell with this!
Get my razor! Draw a bath!
And get these Kleenex boxes off my feet!
- Certainly, sir.
And, uh, the jars of urine?
- Oh, we'll hang on to those.
Now, to the plant!
We'll take the Spruce Moose!
Hop in!
- But, sir--
I said hop in.
Homer, what is it?
Slow down.
Yer getta ferda redda oura.
Think before you say each word.
You broke a promise to your child.
- What?
You promised Lisa
to help her with her costume.
You made her cry.
Then I cried.
Then Maggie laughed.
She's such a little trouper.
Lisa's costume!
Homer, I didn't realize.
I'm so sorry.
Marge, I want you to admit
you have a gambling problem.
You know,
you're right, Homer.
Maybe I should get some professional help.
No, no! That's too expensive.
Just don't do it anymore.
'Jingle bells Batman smells '
' Robin laid an egg '
' Batmobile lost its wheel
and TheJoker got away, hey '
Thank you!
Thank you very much.
Ow!
- Oh, I'm sorry, kid.
And special awards
go to the two students...
who obviously had no help
from their parents:
Lisa Simpson and Ralph Wiggum.
I'm Idaho!
- Yes, of course you are.
You know, Marge,
for the first time in our marriage...
I can finally look down my nose at you.
You have a gambling problem!
That's true.
Will you forgive me?
Oh, sure!
Remember when I got caught stealing
all those watches from Sears?
Well, that's nothing,
because you have a gambling problem!
And remember when I let
that escaped lunatic in the house...
'cause he was dressed like Santa Claus?
Well, you have a gambling problem!
Homer, when you forgive someone
you can't throw it back at them like that.
Aw, what a gyp.
Mmm.
- Remember when I--
Homer!
- Oh, yeah. I forgot already.