The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 4, Episode 20 - Whacking Day - full transcript

## The Simpsons ##

D'oh!

Children, we've just been tipped off
that Superintendent Chalmers...

is planning
a surprise inspection.

So, let's clean up this pigsty.

Whoa!

On another topic, the following students
have won mountain bikes.

Bart Simpson, Jimbo Jones...

Nelson Muntz.

I want you to keep filling
your shirt with crud till I get back.

Y-Yes, sir.



You may pick your bikes up
in utility basement "B."

Fools.

Oops. Still on.

Hey, what do you think
he meant by that "fools" remark?

Aw, who cares?
Time to get me a mountain bike.

Hey, what gives?
Where are the mountain bikes?

Sorry about the ruse, gentlemen.

You're being swept under the rug
for the superintendent's visit.

Enjoy.

How are we
gonna get out of here?

And when are we gonna get
our mountain bikes?

Would the world judge me harshly
if I threw away the key?

No, but the P.T.A.
would tear you a new arse.

Wise counsel, William.
But the potty-talk adds nothing.



Aye, sir. You bath-taking,
underpants-wearing lily hugger.

Superintendent Chalmers, welcome.

- Hello, Seymour.
- So, what's the word down
at One School Board Plaza?

We're dropping
the geography requirement.

The children weren't testing well.
It was proving to be an embarrassment.

Very good.
Back to the three "R's."

- Two "R's" come October.
- Hmm.

- What do you think of the banners?
- Transparent toadying.

They were the children's idea.
I tried to stop them.

It's always the children's fault,
isn't it, Seymour?

Yes. Yes, it is, sir.

Imagine-- a school out there
with no bullies.

Science geeks
not getting beat up.

Kids using
their lunch money for food.

I can't take it!

Hey, I think I can
squeeze through that vent.

- All right.
- All right, Bart. Do it, man.

Now, remember, little dude,
you're our only hope.

Ow!

- Got 'im!
- Way to go, man.

May I interest you in a Jell-O brick, sir?
There's a grape in the center.

Well, I'm not made of stone.

You're not made of stone.

A brick and
you're not made of... stone.

Ach, my beauty.

Wait till
the superintendent sees you.

Were it not a violation of God's law,
I'd make you my wife.

Now thar's a lonely man.

I'm new in town.
Be there a cool loch...

where a lass could wash
her long, red hair?

Nay, but there's a pool at me apartment
complex. There was a rat in the deep end.

- But we got 'im!
- Ah, lead on.

Forty-eight, 49, 50.

Flag's up-to-date.
Very good, Seymour.

Now, are these children
as smart as they look?

Well, let's, uh, pick one at random.
Mmm, how about that one?

- You mean this boy here?
- No! No. Lisa Simpson.

- When was the Battle of New Orleans?
-January 8, 1 81 5.

Two weeks after the war ended.

- First-rate.
- What's a battle?

Let's go.

- Did that boy say, "What's a battle?"
- He said, "What's that rattle?"

- About the heating duct.
- Hmm. It sounded like battle.

- I've had a cold, so, uh--
- Oh, so you would hear "R's" as "B's?"

- Yes.
- I understand.

Come on, Bart.
Ride me.

I better not.

He's insulting both of us.

Let's go.

Excellent. Not a trace of urine.
Seymour, you run a tight ship.

Well, you know what they say, sir.
"Where there's no smoke, there's no fire."

What an odd remark.
Why, that looks like a 50-cent piece.

I'll just bend over and get it.

Seems to be caught...

between these two flowers.

Ow, ow, ow. Seymour, I was thinking
of promoting you to assistant superintendent.

But, instead,
that plum goes to Holloway.

- No. But, sir, he's a drunk.
- And a pill-popper.

- If I could just--
- Silence!

And why is a cafeteria worker
posing as a nurse?

- I get two paychecks this way.
- D'oh.

There's no detention
this time, Simpson.

This is the end.

You are expelled
from Springfield Elementary.

Aw.

Tonight on Eye On Springfield,
the Munchkins from The Wizard of Oz.

Where are they now?

And we'll visit
a nudist camp... for animals.

But, first, a look at
the local holiday that was called...

distasteful and puerile by
a panel of hillbillies, "Whacking Day."

- Oh, no, no!
- In a tradition that dates back to...

founding father Jebediah Springfield,
every May 1 0, local residents gather...

to drive snakes into the center of town
and whack them to snake heaven.

After exposing Alger Hiss...

Honorary Grand Marshal
Richard Nixon...

goes after
another deadly hiss.

Oh!

I-Is Whacking Day over?

Thank you.
Thanks for coming out.

It's all so barbaric.

Hey, kids, how was school?

- I learned how many drams in a pennyweight.
- I got expelled.

That's my boy.

Mmm, beer.
What?

Look, Dad,
I don't need school.

I'll make my way as a bootblack.
Shine your boots, guv'nor?

No son of mine is gonna be
a 1 9th-century cockney bootblack.

We're gonna find you
another school.

Now, remember, Bart.
This is a religious school...

- so be very careful about what you say and do here.
- No problemo.

Now, Bart,
Since you're new here...

perhaps you'd favor us
with a psalm.

How about "Beans, beans,
the musical fruit"?

Well, uh, beans were a staple
of the Israelites. Yes, proceed.

Beans, beans, the musical fruit.

The more you eat,
the more you toot.

Avert your eyes, children.
He may take on other forms.

I guess that's it.
I just can't be educated.

I can always get a job testing
dangerous food additives.

We'd like you
to try this new diet cola.

- We call it "Nature's Goodness."
- What's in it?

2-4 desoxypropenuramine.

Sweet.

Pleasing taste.
Some "monsterism."

- Cool.
- You're going to get an education.

- I'm going to teach you myself.
- Marge, it's too late.

The boy's 1 0 years old. Let's focus
our energy on Lisa and the other one.

- What's your problem?
- Whacking Day's coming.

Whoo-hoo!
The greatest day of the year.

But killing snakes is evil.

Maybe so, Lisa, but it's part of
our oh, so human nature.

Inside every man is a struggle between
good and evil that cannot be resolved.

I am evil Homer. I am evil Homer.

I am evil Homer.
I am evil Homer.

Have a nice day at school, Lise.
I'll just try and make the best of a bad situation.

Ahh.

Bart, get dressed for school. I expect you
to be in your seat when the bell rings.

I bought a bell.

I think I'll unplug that.

I'm your new teacher.
My name is Mrs. Simpson.

I didn't do it.

Oh, that's right.

I invited a guest speaker
to talk to the class.

Hello, children.

I got separated from my platoon after we
parachuted into D?sseldorf.

So I rode out the war posing
as a German cabaret singer.

Yoo-hoo.

Ach du Liebe! Das ist not eine booby.

- Is that story true, Grampa?
- Well, most of it.

I did wear a dress
for a period in the '40s.

Oh, they had designers then.

Look what I got, Marge.
A new whacking stick.

- Whack!
- Ooh.

- Excuse me.
- Whack, whack, whack!

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Bart, I'd like you to read
this copy of Johnny Tremain.

- It's a book I read as a girl.
- A book?

I think you might like this.
It's about a boy who goes to war.

- His hand is deformed in an accident.
- Deformed?

Why didn't you say so? They should
call this book "Johnny Deformed."

Guest director, Oliver Stone.

Oh, God! Get his gun!

"Hundreds would die,
but not the thing they died for.

A man can stand up."
Wow!

Mm-hmm. If you'd like to
learn more about colonial times...

we could take a field trip
to Olde Springfield Towne.

D'oh!

Hi-yah!

Dad! Everyone likes
Whacking Day, but I hate it.

- Is there something wrong with me?
- Yes, honey.

- Then what should I do?
-Just squeeze your rage into a bitter little ball...

and release it
at an appropriate time.

Like that day I hit the referee
with a whiskey bottle.

- Remember that?
- Yeah.

- When Daddy hit the referee? Yeah.
- Yeah.

- Any experience?
- Yes.

I played Panicky Idiot Number Two
in The Poseidon Adventure.

Sorry, we're looking for
more of a "duh, duh" idiot.

But--
I see.

Hello, Barney. Are you playing the town drunk?

Actually, I'm supposed to be a governor.

The enemy surrounded the fort
and said that if the captain was sent out...

- the rest would be spared.
- What did they do?

- They sent him out.
- Was he killed?

And how. That's why
they call it Fort Sensible.

This is Jebediah Springfield
at the Battle of Ticonderoga.

Next. And here he is
killing a snake...

on the very first
Whacking Day in 1775.

Hey, wait a minute.

That was the same day
he was at Ticonderoga.

How could he be
in two places at once?

Uh, um--
You see--

He'll blow the whole deal.
Get him out of here.

Roger.

If you wanna learn more about Whacking Day...

there are many fine books
in our gift shop.

Welcome to your official
Whacking Day headquarters.

I've hidden a snake
somewhere in the store.

The first one to whack it,
gets a free Squishy.

Hey! Hey!

I should've put
more thought into my promotion.

- Aim for the body, men.
- Right, Chief.

"And the Lord said, "Whackye all
the serpents which crawl on their bellies...

and thy town shall be
a beacon unto others."

So you see, Lisa, even God himself
endorses Whacking Day.

- Let me see that.
- Mmm, no.

Here you go. Official Whacking Day parking.
Ten dollars per axle.

Whoo-hoo!

Take that snake!
And you too!

Snakes, snakes everywhere.

- Getting ready for Whacking Day?
- What's Whacking Day?

Did you bring
the pre-whacked snakes?

Beautiful.

Well, Marge,
should I whack slow or fast?

Slow, then fast.

- Uh-oh.
- Dad, please.

For the last time, I beg you.
Don't lower yourself to the level of the mob.

Lisa, maybe if I'm part of that mob,
I can help steer it in wise directions.

Now, where's my giant foam
cowboy hat and air horn?

And now to open
This year's festivities...

here's our grand marshal,
the Prophet of Love, Larry White.

- Barry White.
- No. It says here Larry White.

- I know my own name.
- Yeah? Well, we'll see.

Ladies and gentlemen,
my unlimited love to y'all.

It's truly an honor to be here at this--
Hey, what is this all about anyway?

Oh, God, no.
You people make me sick.

Were they even listening to me?

I, uh, don't think so.

And now, let's hear it for
our own Miss Springfield.

Gentlemen, start your whacking.

D'oh!

Ew, a bug.

If the snakes were in here,
we could protect them.

Well, according to this, snakes hear
by sensing vibrations in the ground.

So, if we put our stereo speakers
on the ground...

and play something with
a lot of bass...

those snakes will be in here
like Oprah on a baked ham.

Oh, good idea.
Let's see-- bass, bass.

Tiny Tim, The Chipmunks' Greatest Hits,
A Castrato Christmas.

Mr. White!
Can we borrow you for a minute?

Anything... for a lady.

Don't bother the snakes.

Leave all the snakes... alone.

Ah, yeah.

My baby.

In here.

Hey, where'd all the snakes go?

People of Springfield,
Whacking Day is a sham.

It was started in 1 924,
as an excuse to beat up the Irish.

'Tis true. I took many a lump.
But 'twas all in good fun.

Now, wait a minute!

How can you people turn on snakes
after all they've done for you?

I'm an old man. I hate everything
but Matlock. Ooh, it's on now.

Mrs. Glick, who killed
all those rats in your basement?

- A snake did.
- And you like snakes, don't you, Barry White?

I love the sexy slither
of a lady snake. Oh, baby.

Hooray for snakes! Hooray for snakes!

Look at this everyone.
Twelve dead snakes.

I'm sick of you people.

You're nothing but
a pack of fickle mush-heads.

- He's right.
- Give us hell, Quimby.

Bart, I'm very impressed at the independent
learning you've displayed here.

- Thanks, Seymour.
- Ye-- Yes.

Um, anyway, as a reward
for your studying...

I've decided to welcome you
back to our school.

You'll be reunited with your chums,
Nelson, Jimbo, D-- Oh, dear God!

I guess I've always used violence
as a way of getting attention.

Yes. Yes.
Me too.

- Oh.
- Aw.

Faster, Willie, faster.
Now, we give 'em the bikes, no one sues.

What if they're dead, sir?

Then we ride these bikes to Mexico
and freedom, Willie! Freedom!

Freedom.
I'll turn you in at the first tollbooth.

Shh!