The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 34, Episode 8 - Step Brother from the Same Planet - full transcript

*THE
SIMPSONS*

Season 34 Episode 08
Aired on: November 20, 2022.

Episode Title: "Step Brother
From the Same Planet"

Everything here
is made out of garbage.

Up cycling is at the very core
of the modern maker movement.

It's very responsible.

Like these doggie chew toys
made out of...

used retainers?

Ugh! Too responsible!

Hey, guys.
You're craft fair fans, too?

Ew, no. We're doing
a photo scavenger hunt



for Francine's birthday party.

We need a picture
of something sad.

I wonder why I wasn't invited.

'Cause you're a party narc
who ruins everybody's fun.

What?
When have I ever done that?

You once deflated a bouncy house
'cause you smelled mildew.

You shut down a pool party

'cause the diving board
wasn't code.

You stopped a barbecue

because the fire extinguishers
were expired.

Okay, okay, I get it.

Basically, you're a wet blanket.

That's not true,
she's more like a blanket

that tattles and kills all joy.



Ooh, that's sad.

Oh, what a beautiful little box.

I'll take this.

You'll need this polish.

It's my blend
of secret ingredients,

including carnauba wax.
That-that one's not a secret.

Okay, I'll take both.

I have to explain to the box

that it's going
to live with you now.

Okay, baby, you're gonna go...

Are you
seeing this?

Are you seeing that?

Man bun.

Pathetic old dude
thinks death won't find him

if he has a freaky hair lump.

Stupid bun.

Homer, Marge!

You finally get
to meet my special lady.

This is Blythe.

Special lady? Since when?

Oh. Oh, it's been
almost six months.

And we're just
hearing about it now?

What do you mean?
I left you tons of messages.

I thought those were
all butt-dials.

Homer, I've met someone...

I'm in lo...

Blythe and I are getting seri...

I fell out of the senior van and I'm lost...

How did you two meet?

I was hired by
the Retirement Castle

to cleanse auras with
a therapeutic sound bath.

But I don't want inner peace.

But when she
started gongin' her gongs,

it felt like I stuck my tongue
in love's power outlet.

Oh, wow.

As Abe vibrated past,

there was something inside him
that called to me.

It was the bullet I
fired into my foot during the war

to get out of KP duty.

We're not wasting
any more time.

I'm moving in with her.

I finally found true love.

And I finally won't have to pay

for your retirement home.

You have so many chimes.

You're not going
to miss any wind.

Ooh, this is my son Calvin.

Felicitous greetings
on this day to you.

That's how this one guy talked
in Star Trek

when they went
to a Shakespeare planet.

It's how I'm saying hello
these days.

Oh, uh, hello-eth to you.

What a charmer.

- How old is Calvin?
- 11.

Hmm, so you had him
when you were...

Oh, he's adopted.

Cute kid, but, man,
my dad's gonna eat him alive.

Hey, there's my guy.

Wha?

Uppies!

He never gave me uppies.

Abe and Calvin
love to cook for company.

Final looks on
the plating, chef.

That one needs a sweep
of balsamic, chef.

Nobody's refilled
my water glass.

This restaurant
would get zero Michelin tires.

Tonight we've made for you
a roasted chicken

with apricot and fennel.

- Mmm.
- How are we enjoying the first bites?

Hmm...

Well, I'm not
getting fennel at all.

So that's a fail.

Don't be rude.

Shelf rat!

Well, they're both rodents,
but this little dude

is a Sciuridae, or squirrel,
if you prefer.

I'd prefer that it not
stare into my soul

like it knows my sins.

Calvin does taxidermy.
That's one of his pieces.

He's a rising star in the field.
He takes classes with adults.

You can't even see
the tire tracks

on this guy anymore.

Uhp, time for your
glocky-drops, Abe.

Aw, that stuff makes me blinder
than an umpire in a mineshaft.

You know the drill, commodore.
Head back, eyes open.

Rain, rain.

Windshield wipers!

Here you go, sweetie.

We made that chestnut stuffing
I know you love.

Abe, you're
feeding the thermostat again.

D'oh! Damn glocky-drops!

Yo, our grandfather
Abe Simpson moved out,

- but left his...
- denture cup.

Do you have a lost and found?

Please say you don't have
a lost and found.

Oh, Abe's moved out?

Well, his room is paid up
for the next two weeks.

Uh, actually, I misspoke.

Um, Abe is still using the room.
Using it like crazy.

We own this place
for two whole weeks.

- Hmm.
- We can take a shower in a chair,

- flush the toilet a million times...
- Interesting.

Oh, you're gonna tell Mom and
Dad about this, aren't you?

Nope, this is one whistle
I'm not gonna blow.

Instead,
what if we used this room

to throw the greatest
slumber party ever?

No rules, no limits,

and, dare I say it,
no slumbering.

Tell me more.

Also, that kid
is not that good of a cook.

There's such a thing
as chicken being

too tender and juicy, you know?

Our wood is really loving
this carnauba stuff.

And what kind of kid
does taxidermy?

Dead animals are meant to be

poked with a stick,
end of story.

Homer, you've been complaining
about Calvin for three days.

Why are you
so obsessed with him?

What? I don't
think about him at all.

But did you notice
how he asked to be excused?

That speaks to
a guilty conscience.

And another thing.

Why is my tongue swelling up?

What is this rash?

Oh, my gosh.

You must be having an allergic
reaction to the carnauba wax.

Well, stop using it!

I-I've rubbed it
into the floors, the windows.

Every wood surface in the house
has been carnauba'd!

It'll take weeks to dissipate!

But where do I go to breathe?

Yay, you're here.

I was putting up
glow-in-the-dark stars.

I'll let you
distribute the other half,

since you're
kind of like my brother now.

Brother?
I'm a grown man.

Half?
This is barely a third. No fair!

Dad!

Okay, Harry Potter
chapter read, pillow fluffed...

Scary German puppet
turned to face the wall.

Uh-huh.

And now, a good-night kiss.

Mmm...

Watch your feet!

Night, Calvin.

Psst. Homer.
Want to play 20 questions?

Okay.
Question number one: Shut up.

You're funny.

We should go out
on our bikes tomorrow.

I know this place by the nuclear
plant that has the best jumps.

Oh, wait.
Did you bring your bike?

I don't have a bike,
I have a car.

And I don't play
at the nuclear plant,

I work there
because I am a grown-up.

Abe says I'm mature for my age.

When we check in
at a restaurant,

he gives the host my name,

so I'm practically
a grown-up, too.

No, you're not.
You're a pants-wetting baby.

That is patently untrue.

I have
excellent bladder control.

If anything,
I hold it in too long.

Pants-wetting baby!

Stop lying!

You threw that zipper-first!

My orrery!
Eat gas giants!

I'll give you a gas giant!

Stop squirming
and let me fart...

- No!
- ...on your head!

Never!

Ow!

I welcomed you into my home,

my room,
where I keep my artifacts.

But you, sir, are a butt brain!

From here on out, it's war.

Thank you, Mother.
Pickup is noon tomorrow.

Don't be early.
Bye, now.

Drive away. Don't look back.

Welcome to our pop-up sleepover.

Do you have the "birthday gift"?

One $25 gift card.

Take off your shoes,
we have unlimited bed-jumping.

I've never felt so alive!

We got PG-13 movies,
rated "M" video games.

What if Mother calls?

We got Milhouse in the closet
standing by. Guy's a pro.

Oh, hello, Wendell's mom.

Yes, I will remind him
to wear his night guard,

- because I am another parent.
- Love you.

Lis, take a moment.
We did this. You did this.

I am Lisa, bringer of fun.

Driest of blankets.

Must you hit every bump?

Oh!

Oops.

I make a million dollars a year.
Did you know that?

- No, you don't.
- Oh, yeah?

Then why do
I have a ton of DVDs?

What's a DVD?

Ugh, your car smells like
fried chicken.

No, I smell like fried chicken.

Can you breathe
through your mouth?

Your nose is squeaky.

Yeah?

Wow, Calvin, what a great start.

But how would a pelican have
access to a freshwater fish?

Well, that's the joke!

Oh, so funny to murder
innocent water birds.

Uh, it died
of natural causes, ding-dong.

I have a network
of park ranger friends

who save dead animals for me.

So you're not a psychopath,
just a weirdo. Got it.

It's always sad
when an animal dies,

but this pelican gets to
speak to the world as art.

I was inspired to make this

after Abe told me about
his time in the war.

His stories are so cool,
but disturbing.

I will not sit here

and have you call
my father's stories cool!

They're meandering and endless.

I'm going to Moe's,
where people know what's boring.

And it's not just taxidermy,

Calvin's got
a million creepy hobbies.

And my dad
thinks they're all great.

When I was his age, I was
cleaning pool covers from below.

Yeah, going house to house
with my scrub brush and Speedo.

I stuck googly eyes on shells
and sold them at the beach.

Till my dad
told me to knock it off

because people would think
I was a freak.

Yeah, my pop also
told me to lay low.

Literally.
We were gravediggers.

We took turns
sleeping in open graves.

Heh. Nothin' builds character

like waking up to a coffin
being lowered on top of yo use.

To unprocessed trauma.

- Hi, Lisa!
- She waved to us!

Our sleepover is a hit.

We have the room
for one more weekend.

We're gonna be
gift card thousand-aires.

No, Bart, we have
to reinvest in our next party.

We have to top ourselves.

I'm thinking face painters,
walk-around Sponge Bob,

one of those pools
you can surf in.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Are you chain-sucking lollypops?

Just need a little something

'cause I didn't sleep much
last night.

I was pricing
mashed potato stations.

Lisa, in the non-weekend world,
you have to have a bedtime.

I don't want to live in
the non-weekend world.

We've only got one more chance

to scrawl our names
across the slumber party sky.

I'll sleep when I'm nine.

Hmm? Hmm.

Look at me, I'm Calvin.

I'm little but I use big words.

Son, I know it's hard
sharing a room

with someone so,
uh, different than you.

But you've handled it
with grace and maturity.

Anyway, I just wanted to say

I'm so proud of you... Calvin.

Ooh, aah, dah!

I can't see a thing with
these glaucoma drops.

He thinks I'm Calvin.

Look at how he looks at him.

He never looked at me that way.

Are you okay, kid?
You seem kind of quiet.

It's just...
I've never heard you say

you were proud of me.
Ever. In my entire life.

What are you talking about?

I say that to you
all the time, Calvin.

Oh.

I forgot.

Homer, you villain!
Do not harm that birdhouse.

The nuthatches
did nothing to you!

What's wrong with you?

My dad kisses the butt
you walk on.

I'd get it
if you were great at sports,

or fixing cars,
or demolishing buildings,

but you're just
a weird little kid.

And my dad
hates weird little kids.

At least... he sure hated me.

Homer, Abe doesn't hate you.

Oh, yeah? I'll show you.

We got ten minutes
until his eye drops wear off.

You be me.

Dad, do you have a second?

Dang it, Homer. Do you think
I'm made of seconds?

I was in the middle of a very
important word find puzzle.

I was about to find the longest
diagonal of my career.

Now what do you want?!

Um, I-I...

You, you, you nothing!

Wow, that was harsh.

Do you ever tell him
how he makes you feel?

Kinda. I stuck him in the worst
nursing home I could find.

Figured he'd
read between the lines.

I think you need to find a new
way to express your feelings.

It might need to be more
than just words.

But my way with words be my
best mouth a-ma-call its. Aw.

You'll figure out a way
to get through to your dad.

You just need to put on
your thinking cap.

Where have you been?

I had to get Band-Aids.

Lewis got stabbed
with a juice box straw.

Somebody fed the pony Pop Rocks
and he kicked out the TV.

His poop is popping!

The climbing wall collapsed
onto the Reptile Rodeo.

There's loose tails everywhere.

I tried to throw a party,
but the party threw me.

I'm putting a stop to this.

Are you sure?

You know
what that will make you.

Hello? Yes,
I'd like to blow the whistle

on an out-of-control party
at The Retirement Castle.

Oh, my name?
It's Lisa Simpson, party narc.

Well, the party's shut down,
kids are packing up their stuff.

Great.
I'm sure they all hate me.

Yeah, probably.

I gotta dump the churro sugar
out of my shoes.

They've arrested Lisa!

She's paying the ultimate price
for throwing the ultimate party.

You're our hero, Lisa!

If you drive me home
with the siren on,

we've got a freezer
full of Snickers.

Go, Lisa!

- Lisa, you're the best!
- You got this, Lisa!

Call your lawyer!

There's some really
inspiring work here tonight.

Yours is a blistering indictment
of American consumerism.

I love how the middle joey

is looking in
the opposite direction,

as if imagining
a different future.

Glad you got that.
I worried it was too subtle.

Oh, it hit me
like a ton of bricks.

Now, let's announce
tonight's winners.

Hold on, there's one more entry!

A strange man with an object
hidden under a pillowcase?

Come on up!
I want to see this.

I was told to find
a new way to communicate.

My stepbrother Calvin expresses
his feelings through taxidermy,

so I decided
I would do the same.

That's not taxidermy, you idjit!

But it's very deep. And... sad.

The small shell pleading with
its eyes to the larger one.

It is clearly about a son's need
for his father's approval.

What? It's just two smelly
shells glued on a board.

Abe, look at it.
Really look at it.

Hmm.

What these shells are
saying, is that how you feel?

You seem to love
being a dad to Calvin,

but you hated
being a dad to me.

No, son, no.
See, when you were a kid,

being a dad felt like
the end of my youth.

But now with Calvin,

it's my last chance
to feel young.

Oh, so what you're saying is
no matter how old you are,

it's only ever been about
what you need.

You finally get me.

It wasn't because
I was a bad kid.

You're just horribly flawed.

I am!

Another family
saved by taxidermy.

All right, let's wrap things up.

We have 20 minutes
before this room is taken over

by the Massage Table Expo.

Captioning sponsored by
20th CENTURY FOX TELEVISION

and FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY

and TOYOTA.

So, Blythe dumped me for a guy

she says is a better
spiritual match for her.

Also, he's super rich
and can eat corn.

He's taking Calvin to Africa
to study animals

in their natural habitat.

I'll miss that little scamp,
but you know,

I'm glad you and I
are finally communicating.

I love you, son.
Anyway, call me back.

Your dad left you another message.

Eh, it's probably
just a butt-dial.

Shh!