The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 31, Episode 21 - The Hateful Eight-Year-Olds - full transcript

Uh, hey there, chief.

Uh, look, your mailbox
hasn't been emptied in weeks.

Oh, no, not the mail.

What if I'm missing out on coupon packs,

or perhaps a jury summons?

How will I live without
my paper e-mails?

Eh, I get it.

But be a pal, pally. Empty it out.

Hmm, it has been baking
in the sun for a while.

I think it's done.

Mail loaf!



Carve that mail. Carve it good.

Who wants an end piece?

Hmm...

I'm invited to a
birthday party at Addy's.

Addy? Hmm, I don't know that friend.

What subject does she teach?

It's a kid! I know kids.

It's a sleepover at Addy's house.

Addy.

I met her at the library.

- Aha.
- Oh. - Library, Marge.

We were the only ones
who loved this old series

of books, Gallop Girls.

Mmm, old book smell.



Mmm, new friend smell.

What is the deal with girls and horses?

Is it 'cause boys
took all the good animals,

like dogs and ninjas?

Horses are nature's triumph.

They have the perfect
combination of power,

grace and braidable hair.

Dumb, dumb, stupid. Legs don't move.

Ew. Pink?!

Once cars were invented,
why didn't they just

kill all the horses... with the cars?

Beat it, Summer School.

Horse-a-copter attack.
Its plops are bombs.

Let her go. She's a rescue
and uneasy around men.

My paddock!

Hey, hey, hey, hey. No horseplay.

Horseplay!

Marge, guess what I said. Fight on.

Why? Why do you always wreck
the stuff I care about?

Big brothers are supposed to
be helpful and a little nice.

I wish I could un-brother you.

Not if I un-sister you first.

Fine. By the power of safety scissors,

I hereby sever the sibling bond.

Snip.

Wow.

Look at that house.

I bet they use their garage for cars.

Horsey birthday!

Your house is huge.

Yeah, it's kind of embarrassing.

My dad's the exclusive
ketchup distributor

for stadiums and megachurches.

She's obviously lying. Ketchup is free.

Play along.

Hi, I'm Marge.

Lisa's really been looking forward

to your daughter's party.

Oh, no, I'm the party planner.

The mother's on a photoshopping retreat

to get her son into USC.

Have fun. We'll see you tomorrow.

10:00 a.m. pickup.
Goodbyes and gift bags.

They're so rich, they know the future.

Well, I just finished
the Gallop Girls book

where George Washington's horse
exposed Benedict Arnold's horse

as a traitor.

I kind of wanted it to be a surprise.

We kind of own horses.

You know, Lisa has a sleepover,
Grampa's with the other ones,

and we are near the marina.

I'm not looking for
your lost sunglasses.

It's been six years. They're gone.

You are always saying how
I never make plans for us.

Well, how about a sunset cruise?

I only ever read about those

in Sunset Cruise magazine.

There's even live music.

This is the band that was gonna
play Lenny's wedding reception

if he didn't get
pepper-sprayed at the altar.

I forgot how handsome you are

when you make the slightest effort.

Oh.

Don't worry. If you get thrown,
your vest will automatically inflate

so it breaks your fall.

Now use the reins.

Sunflower wants you to lead her.

What's the matter, Addison?
You didn't like my post.

Is your thumb broken?

Thumb broken?

Tessa Rose, you are brills.
Completely brills.

Literally,
that was the funniest thing ever.

I can't stop laughing.

Uh, Addison, why is she staring at us?

Addison?

Is-is that what you like to be called?

This is my crew.

You probably know them all from social.

This is Bella-Ella.
She's from old money.

Myspace.

Sloan. British.

And, of course, beauty icon Tessa Rose.

Don't you just hate her?

Aw...

Oh, right, uh, guys, this is Lisa.

She's... her.

Nice to meet you guys.

Um, you need to calm down.

I am calm.

Stop yelling.

I'm not yelling.

Look, matchy-matchy...

...I don't need drama
from someone whose shirt

is a spoiler for her pants.

You're hilarious.
I will never stop laughing.

Your friends seem, um,
different than you.

That one keeps saying things are funny,

but she's not laughing.

Oh, she can't.
Her mom got too much Botox

when she was pregnant.

Ugh, so lucky.

I know they seem cliquey
and stuck-up and...

- Awful?
- Yeah.

But once they accept you,
you'll see that, deep down,

they're... nice.

Oh, good, good. So they're not mean.

Oh, I almost judged them.

That was close.

These will totally hide
my kombucha hangovers.

I got them in the city.

The city is New York. New York City?

I'll make a note, in a book. A notebook.

A phone case.

It's for the new MyPhone.

There's no buttons,
and the camera only faces you.

It's literally unusable.

What about my gift?

Look, it's got a little straw hat

that fits right over his ears.

She got her a toy.

Does it come with a nappy?

Oh, my God, I'm laughing so hard,

I can't even breathe.

Does it dispense bronzer?
Bronzer remover?

What does it dispense? How is it makeup?

But you like it,

don't you, Addy?

Oh, it's... adorable.

For a "widdle" baby.

♪ Do-do-do-do-do-do-do... ♪

_

You're breaking up, honey.

How's the party?

It's not fun. I don't want to stay.

I want to go home.

It's... fun.

I don't want to... go home.

Thanks for the uneventful update.

How's Lisa?

Having fun and not wanting to go home.

Sounds like fun.

_

You're right.
Daddy understands completely.

That's what daddies do.

I'm trapped. All night.

With them.

What do you mean the Taylor
Swift lookalike canceled?

Now who are the girls
gonna throw cupcakes at?

Finally. You're the only adult here.

I want to go home. Can you help me?

Oh, no, this sleepover has got to get

100% engagement.

I can't go back to working
at Bubba Gump Shrimp.

It's not shrimp.

Hey, lady bosses,

who wants to visit the perfume lab

and start your own fempire?

What are you wearing,
Desperation by Thirsty Grandma?

I'm 26.

Let's binge the new season
of Thank God I'm Dead.

T.G. I'm D. is literally massive.

Leandra's funeral is
so on my vision board.

I'm not allowed to watch that show

'cause it glamorizes inappropriateness.

It'll be okay. Just close your eyes.

We get it, warnings,
this show is awesome.

Now that she's gone,
she's finally popular.

I'm gonna ask her ghost to the prom.

Someone's about to go viral.

Baby videos are super popular.

♪ I think I could stay here
for the rest of my life ♪

- ♪ Please don't ever make me go home ♪
- Mmm?

Oh...

What are you doing in here?
This is the caterers' bathroom.

This Japanese toilet
is the first kind voice

I've heard all night.

_

Addy, why did you invite me to
this party? Just to torture me?

Okay. Full disclosure, I invited you

because those other girls
are always so mean to me.

But then they were mean to you
instead and let me join in.

Oh, thanks for making this
the best birthday ever.

Aw.

Wait, no "aw." That's horrible.

No, don't you see?

Next time, you bring a Lisa.

Someone from band camp or
science club or whatever,

and then we'll all turn on her
and you'll be part of the squad.

No, no. No, this can't be
who you really are.

Let me whiten your teeth, Lisa.
I've got strips.

Strips, Lisa! Lisa, come back!
I've got whitening strips!

And it's the Old-Man-apolis 500,

but he spun out into Dead Man's Crack.

Grampa, it's Lisa.

- I need your help.
- What's the matter, loser?

Did a horse bite your head off,
and now you're crying

because you don't have a head?

Ha! Called it.

The girls at this party are so mean,

there's no one else to help me,
and I just want to go home.

Oh, I would love to help,
but you un-brothered me.

Now all I am is a stranger
who magnetized your saxophone.

Please, somewhere inside you

there is an ember of
connection between us.

This is me asking you to fan that ember.

Call me back and say it in a normal way.

Get me out of here!

Look, the rando's talking into a phone.

Phones are for looking at, rando.

Bart, they're taking my phone.

They're even meaner than you.

Are you Juan Starnotip?

Just drive.

So, Juan, going somewhere this evening?

The entered address.

I like you, Juan. You're clearly
comfortable in your own skin.

Can I interest you in a room-temperature
sparkling water?

I requested no conversation.

_

Hey!

Give it back!

Ew, this phone is made by Subway.

My dad had to eat a
thousand footlongs for that!

Hey.

Quit hitting on my wife,
you crooning sex pirate.

Whoa, that chick behind that
blue-haired lady's your wife?

Way to go, man.

Oh, right, uh,

I'll just get out of your way.

This is for not hitting on my wife.

The set list!

Our banter was on there.

What songs do we know?

Oh.

Without the booze, it's just a cruise!

Dude, you killed the music.

And the vibe.

Time of death, 10:13 p.m.

Hmm.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Now let's get out of here
before they realize I'm gone.

This sleepover isn't over.

No, yes, it is.
When we leave, it's over.

Look, I didn't come here to rescue you.

If you run now,
you'll never stop running.

What do you mean?

There's one present you still
have to give those rich girls.

- Revenge.
- Revenge?

Revenge.

Okay, right. Revenge.
Right. I can do that.

- What do I do?
- I can't tell you.

True revenge can only come from
the hate in your own heart.

Hate.

If you do it tight enough,
it's just like a face-lift.

Oh, my God. I could pass for six.

I know just what to do.

_

Hi, Mom.

I saw you called a bunch of times.
Is everything okay?

Yeah, everything is great.
I love you, good night.

At least she's having fun.

Your Mos Eisley fracas
has utterly harshed

my Arrakeen spice buzz.

That's right, a two-reference complaint!

My wife and I have been looking
forward to this for months,

and you ruined our plans.

Plans? Yeah, we all love
to make plans, don't we?

Dinner and a movie,
couples' karaoke, game night

where the hosts are really
just trying to sell Amway.

We're all so eager to
get out of the house.

But why?

To stand in line to
have your picture taken

holding a mustache on a stick?

And all these magical plans are
supposed to lead up to romance.

But when you get home,
you feel tired and gross

and a thousand years old.

So you make plans for
another night and another,

and the cycle continues
until the only time

you touch your wife is
when you don't notice

she's on the toilet at 4:00
a.m. and you sit on her.

Mm-hmm.

I didn't ruin this cruise.

I saved your life.

Now return to your homes
and never make plans again.

Aah!

That egghead rando messed with our hair.

We look like her!

Aah!

Don't worry. I have a car waiting.

An airport pickup during surge pricing?

So long, dot matrix printer,
hello, bubble jet.

This way.

You go ahead.

You don't hate horses.

You're afraid of them.

No, I'm not. I-I just hate any
animal that works with cops.

No creature should be that jacked.

You didn't let me quit
when I was scared,

so I'm gonna help you see

that this majestic
creature has a gentle soul.

Not behind her!
She'll kick your face off!

We're gonna destroy you on Insta,
TikTok and Postmates.

You'll be a total outcast

and you'll have to
pick up your own sushi.

Ugh, no Wi-Fi?

Does your horse even have
a mobile hot spot, Addison?

Addison, can I talk to Addy,
my book buddy?

Hmm, I have to be Addison.

Addy's just a little girl.

Don't you remember when
we were reading this?

We were just kids,
sharing something we loved.

Addison, she's trying to influence you,

and she's not even monetizing it.

I'm so going to swat her
house on Christmas morning.

Don't let that rando upset you.

Have a Klonopin gummy.

Be the girl I know you are.

Old book smell.

Stop holding a book, Addison.
You're acting like a rando.

My name is Addy.

Oh, my...

Go!

Come with us.
There's nothing left for you here.

It's my house. All my stuff is in it.

Oh, right, right. Well, all right.

Maybe I'll see you at the library.

Lisa?

You were my best gift.

Addison, are you out of your mind?

Netflix should make a series
about your social life,

because it just committed suicide.

She is so mean.

I want to be her friend.

Literally.

_

Shh!