The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 30, Episode 8 - Krusty the Clown - full transcript
Hubert, great work
on the cafeteria gravy story.
Answered a lot of questions
but raised a lot more.
I come bearing the thing
you journalists hate most: news.
The Daily Fourth Gradian
is hemorrhaging money.
Last month the paper lost...
$32.
But you can't put a price on the truth.
I finally got a source to go on the
record about dodgeball concussions.
Bombardment, bombardment.
Bombardment.
I'm sorry, but I have no choice
but to bring in a new editor.
The fifth grader who somehow
turned the school poetry magazine
into a cash-blasting fire hose: Billy.
Preschool is over, news skanks.
Today is gonna be like Carrie Underwood
hosting the Country Music Awards...
we're in for a lot of changes.
You... I can tell you're a real talent.
Get out. You're fired.
See? No one's safe.
Fidget spinner.
What are you doing?
Hubert's a good journalist.
Good journalism ain't paying
the pizza man, toots.
We are going online only:
pop-culture quizzes, sponsored lists,
headlines that grab you by the book bag:
"You Won't Believe
What Milhouse Looks Like Now."
You bet your book bag I won't.
But you can't just turn the school
paper into online clickbait.
We have a responsibility to...
Oh, my God, it's still talking.
I hate you so much I'm giving
you the most important job
at this swipe rag.
- You're a what?
- I'm a recapper.
Huh? What?
A TV recapper.
I watch every episode of a show,
then write a summary,
followed by snarky comments
and a letter grade.
Well, sometimes I do worry
I have the wrong opinions
about what I've just seen.
Ugh. This isn't me.
What kind of person can just
spew out an endless stream
of knee-jerk reactions?
They should hand out candy
at Thanksgiving
and stuffing at Halloween.
Say, Dad, you sure have a lot
of strong opinions.
Why don't you watch this show
and tell me what you think?
Hey, yeah. Ah!
Ta-da!
Mm-hmm.
Hmm.
The mouse and the cat hate each other.
That feels real to me.
It was quite a ride, and I was on board
until the shawarma screamed. Huh.
Very disappointing.
An instant classic.
Dad, you were born to describe
TV at a fourth-grade level.
Ooh, well.
Would you recap The Krusty Show
for my school paper?
All you have to do is watch TV
and say things about it.
Just say things about TV.
Oh.
Krusty, a recapper is now
reviewing your show.
Let me see that.
"Monologue seemed endless"?
"Pie clearly hits face of stunt double"?
"Overuse of comedic rule of three"?!
Why would I possibly care
about the opinion of this
pathetic bottom feeder?
Huh? B-minus?!
C-plus?! Aah!
C-minus?
Ow!
Today's Krusty Show pulled out
all the stops.
Which was a huge mistake,
as many of the stops should have
been left in. D-plus.
I'll teach you to insult a
thin-skinned Hollywood narcissist.
Oh, Tesla, your 900-pound feet
of silent, instant torque is
the perfect killing machine.
Where do I know that guy?
Aah! Aah!
Vengeful clown!
"Krusty is trying to murder me.
"If he does,
it'll be the first time
he's killed in years."
I'm not funny?
You want to see something really humor?!
"Running me off the road?
Clearly, a murderer out of ideas."
Like my show!
Why? Is it season four again?
Why, you.
- Whoa.
- Whoa.
Oh, please be okay. Please be okay.
If anything happened to you,
I-I don't know what I'd do.
Oh, give me a sign.
Let me know my world isn't over.
Don't look in my trunk!
But if you do,
a Chinese doctor says I need it.
Oh, you're okay.
All right, tell me who assaulted
you, and we'll bring 'em in.
Unless it's gangs or motorcycle guys.
A motorcycle guy will whip you
right in the face with his chain.
He doesn't care.
Krusty tried to run me off the road!
But I'm still alive. C-plus.
Ah.
Don't worry, Krusty.
I know a place where the police
will never find you.
Yeah, good luck, kid,
but I'm a big-time TV celebrity.
The last thing
I could ever do is blend in.
Hmm?
The circus? Why?
You're a clown.
I won't stand here and be insulted!
Y... Oh, right.
Kid, I'm a TV clown
not like these trapeze-sucking
tent-fluffers.
Circus clowns don't talk,
while I perform to camera
with finely honed subtlety.
Hey-hey!
Easy on the "hey-heys."
The cops are looking everywhere for you.
I can't go to jail.
I just quit smoking. What do I do?
Huh?
So, what do you call yourself?
- Soggy. Soggy the Clown.
- Thought we already had a Soggy.
Nah, nah, you're thinking of Moisty.
You're hired.
So, Soggy, uh, what's your act?
Well, I can introduce cartoons,
pretend to enjoy
children's breakfast cereal.
Oh, and I completely blow my stack
when someone takes my parking space.
You sound like a... TV clown.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I hate TV clowns
from how you just said that.
TV clowns. Riding
four to a car like royalty,
eating their stew from a bowl
instead of cupped hands.
And you know who's the worst is
that white-faced Judas: Krusty.
Wait. Circus clowns hate Krusty?
Don't you?
In my way I've hated him all my life.
Yeah, you get it, Soggy.
You're a good kid.
Anyway, this is where you eat,
this is where you sleep,
and this is where
you sweep up the elephant crap.
So, all three in this cage.
Efficient, right?
Now meet the finest clowns
from the greatest closed
circuses in the world.
Skitters, Bumpo, Wiggles,
Clabby, Dr. Pickles, Mr. Bindle,
Barrels, Drooly, Trembles,
Blitzy, Handsy,
Boobsy, Mr. Boobsy,
Baby Boobsy, the Boobsy Twins,
Ding-a-ling, Bing-bong, Ring-a-ling,
Flip-Flop, Fiddle-Faddle, Flap-Jack,
and Scene Blow.
Nice to meet...
Yeah.
It's him. It's really him.
A regular dork and a girl one.
It is an honor to meet the man
whose recaps were so devastating
that the star of the
show tried to kill him.
The secret is, say what happened.
Oh, it's like
we're talking to Hemingway.
Or Shep Goldfein from TV Zorp.
How would you like to come recap for us
full-time at Culture Smash?
You'll pay me to watch TV?
God bless you,
content-addicted clickbaiters.
We'll start you on 30 shows.
This month?
Uh, no, tonight.
Welcome to Peak TV.
This Is Us.
This is me.
C-plus.
Hey there, Soggy.
You excited for your first show?
Nervous? I'm not nervous.
Get this kid. "Nervous."
Nervous.
Well, you sure are saying
"nervous" a lot.
Shut up, you nervous little punk.
I'm the king of 4:00 p.m. TV.
I can clown the pants off these losers.
Whoa, what is that?
That's what the clowns here
drink before the tent opens.
- It's called Hippo Juice.
- Do you even know what's in it?
I need my Hippo Juice!
Okay, Walking Dead.
Too much walking,
not enough dead. C-plus.
Game of Thrones.
Who is everybody? A-plus.
Stranger Things.
Spielberg's back. C-minus.
Homie, you're watching so many shows.
Why don't you take a break?
We can open the third drawer
of the nightstand.
The anniversary drawer.
Mmm. Mmm.
Making out on the bed...
a familiar formula,
but still delivers the goods.
Mmm. Ooh, a butt-squeeze.
Motivated by character
and moves the story forward.
Mmm. Could an ear nibble be the thing
to reinvigorate this tired franchise?
Wait. Are-are you recapping our snuggle?
No, no, just pillow talk, baby.
If you say so.
Savvy viewers will notice
the husband hasn't brushed his teeth.
That is it.
You're watching so many TV shows
for your recapping job,
it's ruining our life.
And don't you dare give me
a letter grade.
Okay, I'll just let this be... minus.
It's either me or the job.
Hmm. Marge creates what feels
like false jeopardy.
No, the moment is well earned.
Oh, they just got rid
of their best character.
Soggy, a word of advice: you suck.
Turn in your Hippo Juice bucket,
your hippo crystals,
and your hippo pipe.
You're fired.
Oh, come on, Tootso. You don't
really mean that, do you?
Oh, it's true.
I'm a terrible clown.
Cheer up, Krusty.
There's got to be another circus
out there, a worse one.
Nah. I'm not a TV clown.
I'm not a circus clown.
I'm nothing.
Soggy, the high wire bear got sick
after eating the Guess-Your-Weight Guy,
so we need somebody to do his act.
And none of the other clowns will do it
because there's no net.
So, well, we thought of you.
You mean a last chance to redeem myself?
No. No, no. If you live,
you're still fired.
Oh, who cares?
I'm in.
♪ I don't care ♪
♪ If I live or die ♪
♪ Wait, I do, I want to die ♪
♪ Who will claim my body? ♪
♪ Maybe the monkey ♪
♪ Do-do-do-do-do. ♪
Whoa!
Oh. Whoa!
Ow!
Oh!
Whoa!
Ow.
Ta-da.
They're applauding.
And there's no applause sign.
I didn't know that was possible.
Circus cheers are the greatest
cheers in the world!
There he is, there's our new star.
That was the most daring act
I've ever seen.
And I saw a circus do a Beatles
tribute without permission.
I think I'm falling for you, Soggy.
I don't think you're really my type.
Mmm, you.
My whole life up till now was nothing.
From this day forward, I am Soggy,
Soggy the Clown!
I'm flattered, Tootso,
but I'm already seeing someone.
I'll meet you behind
the seal tank in half an hour.
Good news. Your agent just called.
A Japanese game show needs
an American celebrity
to pop out of toilets
to scare couples on dates.
The cops will never find you.
Two weeks ago,
I would've jumped at that.
But I'm a circus clown now.
But you're a big-time TV star.
Ain't the circus worse by far?
Oh, I used to love celebrity,
but I've got big top clarity.
Because...
♪ Circus clowning ♪
♪ Is the life for me ♪
♪ Gonna flip the bird
to lousy kids' TV ♪
♪ Circus folk have real camaraderie ♪
♪ I can't be fired 'cause
they don't test my pee ♪
♪ He'd be positive for every sedative ♪
♪ Circus laughter,
there's no greater high ♪
♪ Crowd is fired up 'cause
they might see you die ♪
♪ If he breaks his neck ♪
♪ What a thrill they'll get ♪
♪ All my problems have
been solved for free ♪
♪ Talking to the bear
sure beats therapy ♪
♪ A hug can beat fear of women's feet ♪
♪ Can I join the circus
if I'm only ten? ♪
♪ Here's a fake I.D.,
now your name is Ben ♪
♪ Ain't no mom to keep
me safe and sound ♪
♪ I get to juggle swords ♪
♪ Eat corn dogs off the ground ♪
♪ So, good riddance to TV ♪
♪ I feel alive instead
of live-plus-three ♪
♪ Because circus clowning ♪
♪ Is the life for me. ♪
Bad news:
we're shutting down the circus.
Shutting it down? But why?
- A terrible video got out.
- Which one?
The video we sell here at the circus.
If they close this place down,
what do I run away to?
College?
It's all over.
I'm losing the only happiness
I didn't have to chug,
snort, shoot, bet on, or get enlarged.
For the first time, I was a real clown.
And now I've lost that.
To save my marriage,
effective immediately,
I'm resigning as recapper.
My apologies to Culture Smash
and the entire Garbage Blast
media family.
Mm.
- Get in.
- Okay.
Homer, I'm the CEO of a major
media conglomerate.
We can't have you quit.
You're one of America's top recappers.
I had to quit; recapping
was ruining my marriage.
There were so many shows,
I couldn't keep up.
It's true. Currently there are
over 500 scripted shows
on network, cable, and streaming.
Why are you making so many shows?
No one could watch
more than 300 of them.
Oh, we don't care if people watch.
We just care if they subscribe
for $13 a month.
You see, if people subscribe
but don't watch,
then we don't actually
have to make the shows.
We just need viewers to believe
they can watch them.
Fake shows?
But what if people try to see them?
They won't, because recappers like you
will give those shows a B-minus.
No one ever watches a B-minus.
But, but that's crazy.
It could never work.
It already has.
Are you familiar with the USA Network?
Sure. Royal Pains, Suits, White Collar.
Have you ever seen any of those shows?
No, but somebody must have...
Surely somebody...
There is no USA Network.
There hasn't been for 20 years.
It's just bus ads!
Oh, my God.
Peak TV is a lie.
Your plan is insane.
Perhaps.
But not as insane as making...
that... many... shows.
I never had faith in God or family,
but I had faith in television.
And I won't let you do this to Him.
I have everything you said
recapped right here.
And I'm gonna tell the whole world
every detail of your terrible plan.
Hey, there's half a birthday
cake in the break room.
Mind if I...?
All right, I get it, I get it.
No, no, you can't close the circus.
There's got to be a way
to keep this place running.
If we only had 50 grand,
we could start over
with a new name and a new act.
Yeah. We can get the Flying Branzinos.
Nobody pickpockets a crowd
like those guys.
But we don't have the 50 grand.
The circus is done.
No, no, listen.
I can get you your money.
With this.
You're gonna teach us to read?
No. I'm Krusty.
Hey-hey.
On the count of attempted murder
of Homer Simpson,
the jury finds Herschel Krustofsky...
not guilty?
It was self-defense, Your Honor.
That recapper gave Krusty's show
bad grades.
It was justifiable Homer-cide.
He gave Outlander a B-minus.
That show knows what it wants
to be. Come on.
Ooh, I've heard that gets really
good about eight episodes in.
Krusty, you're free to go.
Mmm.
Is there room on that train
for one more clown?
Well, he did save the circus.
What do you say, Scuzzo?
Please, I'm not Krusty anymore.
I'm a circus clown.
I'm Soggy.
You're a, you're a TV clown.
The greatest TV clown I've
ever had the honor to know.
But you're a traitor to our kind.
Goodbye, circus.
Goodbye.
Another terrible show.
Thanks a lot, Chris Pine.
And now the bad recap.
They always find some new chump
to tear me down.
"A"? I got an "A"?
Everything I've ever done
has been great!
I'll never be sad again.
"A" is for Ralph.
Dad, Look!
They posted our story this morning.
Hmm.
Together we've exposed the truth.
It'll be the one legitimate
piece of journalism
on the whole site.
What's with this boring Peak TV article?
My patience is growing shorter
than Rachel Maddow's crew cut.
How many times do I have to tell you:
no bait, no clicks.
Hey, you, yeah, gummy bear,
put up a slideshow
that'll get me some eyeballs.
Eyeballs!
Ooh.
on the cafeteria gravy story.
Answered a lot of questions
but raised a lot more.
I come bearing the thing
you journalists hate most: news.
The Daily Fourth Gradian
is hemorrhaging money.
Last month the paper lost...
$32.
But you can't put a price on the truth.
I finally got a source to go on the
record about dodgeball concussions.
Bombardment, bombardment.
Bombardment.
I'm sorry, but I have no choice
but to bring in a new editor.
The fifth grader who somehow
turned the school poetry magazine
into a cash-blasting fire hose: Billy.
Preschool is over, news skanks.
Today is gonna be like Carrie Underwood
hosting the Country Music Awards...
we're in for a lot of changes.
You... I can tell you're a real talent.
Get out. You're fired.
See? No one's safe.
Fidget spinner.
What are you doing?
Hubert's a good journalist.
Good journalism ain't paying
the pizza man, toots.
We are going online only:
pop-culture quizzes, sponsored lists,
headlines that grab you by the book bag:
"You Won't Believe
What Milhouse Looks Like Now."
You bet your book bag I won't.
But you can't just turn the school
paper into online clickbait.
We have a responsibility to...
Oh, my God, it's still talking.
I hate you so much I'm giving
you the most important job
at this swipe rag.
- You're a what?
- I'm a recapper.
Huh? What?
A TV recapper.
I watch every episode of a show,
then write a summary,
followed by snarky comments
and a letter grade.
Well, sometimes I do worry
I have the wrong opinions
about what I've just seen.
Ugh. This isn't me.
What kind of person can just
spew out an endless stream
of knee-jerk reactions?
They should hand out candy
at Thanksgiving
and stuffing at Halloween.
Say, Dad, you sure have a lot
of strong opinions.
Why don't you watch this show
and tell me what you think?
Hey, yeah. Ah!
Ta-da!
Mm-hmm.
Hmm.
The mouse and the cat hate each other.
That feels real to me.
It was quite a ride, and I was on board
until the shawarma screamed. Huh.
Very disappointing.
An instant classic.
Dad, you were born to describe
TV at a fourth-grade level.
Ooh, well.
Would you recap The Krusty Show
for my school paper?
All you have to do is watch TV
and say things about it.
Just say things about TV.
Oh.
Krusty, a recapper is now
reviewing your show.
Let me see that.
"Monologue seemed endless"?
"Pie clearly hits face of stunt double"?
"Overuse of comedic rule of three"?!
Why would I possibly care
about the opinion of this
pathetic bottom feeder?
Huh? B-minus?!
C-plus?! Aah!
C-minus?
Ow!
Today's Krusty Show pulled out
all the stops.
Which was a huge mistake,
as many of the stops should have
been left in. D-plus.
I'll teach you to insult a
thin-skinned Hollywood narcissist.
Oh, Tesla, your 900-pound feet
of silent, instant torque is
the perfect killing machine.
Where do I know that guy?
Aah! Aah!
Vengeful clown!
"Krusty is trying to murder me.
"If he does,
it'll be the first time
he's killed in years."
I'm not funny?
You want to see something really humor?!
"Running me off the road?
Clearly, a murderer out of ideas."
Like my show!
Why? Is it season four again?
Why, you.
- Whoa.
- Whoa.
Oh, please be okay. Please be okay.
If anything happened to you,
I-I don't know what I'd do.
Oh, give me a sign.
Let me know my world isn't over.
Don't look in my trunk!
But if you do,
a Chinese doctor says I need it.
Oh, you're okay.
All right, tell me who assaulted
you, and we'll bring 'em in.
Unless it's gangs or motorcycle guys.
A motorcycle guy will whip you
right in the face with his chain.
He doesn't care.
Krusty tried to run me off the road!
But I'm still alive. C-plus.
Ah.
Don't worry, Krusty.
I know a place where the police
will never find you.
Yeah, good luck, kid,
but I'm a big-time TV celebrity.
The last thing
I could ever do is blend in.
Hmm?
The circus? Why?
You're a clown.
I won't stand here and be insulted!
Y... Oh, right.
Kid, I'm a TV clown
not like these trapeze-sucking
tent-fluffers.
Circus clowns don't talk,
while I perform to camera
with finely honed subtlety.
Hey-hey!
Easy on the "hey-heys."
The cops are looking everywhere for you.
I can't go to jail.
I just quit smoking. What do I do?
Huh?
So, what do you call yourself?
- Soggy. Soggy the Clown.
- Thought we already had a Soggy.
Nah, nah, you're thinking of Moisty.
You're hired.
So, Soggy, uh, what's your act?
Well, I can introduce cartoons,
pretend to enjoy
children's breakfast cereal.
Oh, and I completely blow my stack
when someone takes my parking space.
You sound like a... TV clown.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I hate TV clowns
from how you just said that.
TV clowns. Riding
four to a car like royalty,
eating their stew from a bowl
instead of cupped hands.
And you know who's the worst is
that white-faced Judas: Krusty.
Wait. Circus clowns hate Krusty?
Don't you?
In my way I've hated him all my life.
Yeah, you get it, Soggy.
You're a good kid.
Anyway, this is where you eat,
this is where you sleep,
and this is where
you sweep up the elephant crap.
So, all three in this cage.
Efficient, right?
Now meet the finest clowns
from the greatest closed
circuses in the world.
Skitters, Bumpo, Wiggles,
Clabby, Dr. Pickles, Mr. Bindle,
Barrels, Drooly, Trembles,
Blitzy, Handsy,
Boobsy, Mr. Boobsy,
Baby Boobsy, the Boobsy Twins,
Ding-a-ling, Bing-bong, Ring-a-ling,
Flip-Flop, Fiddle-Faddle, Flap-Jack,
and Scene Blow.
Nice to meet...
Yeah.
It's him. It's really him.
A regular dork and a girl one.
It is an honor to meet the man
whose recaps were so devastating
that the star of the
show tried to kill him.
The secret is, say what happened.
Oh, it's like
we're talking to Hemingway.
Or Shep Goldfein from TV Zorp.
How would you like to come recap for us
full-time at Culture Smash?
You'll pay me to watch TV?
God bless you,
content-addicted clickbaiters.
We'll start you on 30 shows.
This month?
Uh, no, tonight.
Welcome to Peak TV.
This Is Us.
This is me.
C-plus.
Hey there, Soggy.
You excited for your first show?
Nervous? I'm not nervous.
Get this kid. "Nervous."
Nervous.
Well, you sure are saying
"nervous" a lot.
Shut up, you nervous little punk.
I'm the king of 4:00 p.m. TV.
I can clown the pants off these losers.
Whoa, what is that?
That's what the clowns here
drink before the tent opens.
- It's called Hippo Juice.
- Do you even know what's in it?
I need my Hippo Juice!
Okay, Walking Dead.
Too much walking,
not enough dead. C-plus.
Game of Thrones.
Who is everybody? A-plus.
Stranger Things.
Spielberg's back. C-minus.
Homie, you're watching so many shows.
Why don't you take a break?
We can open the third drawer
of the nightstand.
The anniversary drawer.
Mmm. Mmm.
Making out on the bed...
a familiar formula,
but still delivers the goods.
Mmm. Ooh, a butt-squeeze.
Motivated by character
and moves the story forward.
Mmm. Could an ear nibble be the thing
to reinvigorate this tired franchise?
Wait. Are-are you recapping our snuggle?
No, no, just pillow talk, baby.
If you say so.
Savvy viewers will notice
the husband hasn't brushed his teeth.
That is it.
You're watching so many TV shows
for your recapping job,
it's ruining our life.
And don't you dare give me
a letter grade.
Okay, I'll just let this be... minus.
It's either me or the job.
Hmm. Marge creates what feels
like false jeopardy.
No, the moment is well earned.
Oh, they just got rid
of their best character.
Soggy, a word of advice: you suck.
Turn in your Hippo Juice bucket,
your hippo crystals,
and your hippo pipe.
You're fired.
Oh, come on, Tootso. You don't
really mean that, do you?
Oh, it's true.
I'm a terrible clown.
Cheer up, Krusty.
There's got to be another circus
out there, a worse one.
Nah. I'm not a TV clown.
I'm not a circus clown.
I'm nothing.
Soggy, the high wire bear got sick
after eating the Guess-Your-Weight Guy,
so we need somebody to do his act.
And none of the other clowns will do it
because there's no net.
So, well, we thought of you.
You mean a last chance to redeem myself?
No. No, no. If you live,
you're still fired.
Oh, who cares?
I'm in.
♪ I don't care ♪
♪ If I live or die ♪
♪ Wait, I do, I want to die ♪
♪ Who will claim my body? ♪
♪ Maybe the monkey ♪
♪ Do-do-do-do-do. ♪
Whoa!
Oh. Whoa!
Ow!
Oh!
Whoa!
Ow.
Ta-da.
They're applauding.
And there's no applause sign.
I didn't know that was possible.
Circus cheers are the greatest
cheers in the world!
There he is, there's our new star.
That was the most daring act
I've ever seen.
And I saw a circus do a Beatles
tribute without permission.
I think I'm falling for you, Soggy.
I don't think you're really my type.
Mmm, you.
My whole life up till now was nothing.
From this day forward, I am Soggy,
Soggy the Clown!
I'm flattered, Tootso,
but I'm already seeing someone.
I'll meet you behind
the seal tank in half an hour.
Good news. Your agent just called.
A Japanese game show needs
an American celebrity
to pop out of toilets
to scare couples on dates.
The cops will never find you.
Two weeks ago,
I would've jumped at that.
But I'm a circus clown now.
But you're a big-time TV star.
Ain't the circus worse by far?
Oh, I used to love celebrity,
but I've got big top clarity.
Because...
♪ Circus clowning ♪
♪ Is the life for me ♪
♪ Gonna flip the bird
to lousy kids' TV ♪
♪ Circus folk have real camaraderie ♪
♪ I can't be fired 'cause
they don't test my pee ♪
♪ He'd be positive for every sedative ♪
♪ Circus laughter,
there's no greater high ♪
♪ Crowd is fired up 'cause
they might see you die ♪
♪ If he breaks his neck ♪
♪ What a thrill they'll get ♪
♪ All my problems have
been solved for free ♪
♪ Talking to the bear
sure beats therapy ♪
♪ A hug can beat fear of women's feet ♪
♪ Can I join the circus
if I'm only ten? ♪
♪ Here's a fake I.D.,
now your name is Ben ♪
♪ Ain't no mom to keep
me safe and sound ♪
♪ I get to juggle swords ♪
♪ Eat corn dogs off the ground ♪
♪ So, good riddance to TV ♪
♪ I feel alive instead
of live-plus-three ♪
♪ Because circus clowning ♪
♪ Is the life for me. ♪
Bad news:
we're shutting down the circus.
Shutting it down? But why?
- A terrible video got out.
- Which one?
The video we sell here at the circus.
If they close this place down,
what do I run away to?
College?
It's all over.
I'm losing the only happiness
I didn't have to chug,
snort, shoot, bet on, or get enlarged.
For the first time, I was a real clown.
And now I've lost that.
To save my marriage,
effective immediately,
I'm resigning as recapper.
My apologies to Culture Smash
and the entire Garbage Blast
media family.
Mm.
- Get in.
- Okay.
Homer, I'm the CEO of a major
media conglomerate.
We can't have you quit.
You're one of America's top recappers.
I had to quit; recapping
was ruining my marriage.
There were so many shows,
I couldn't keep up.
It's true. Currently there are
over 500 scripted shows
on network, cable, and streaming.
Why are you making so many shows?
No one could watch
more than 300 of them.
Oh, we don't care if people watch.
We just care if they subscribe
for $13 a month.
You see, if people subscribe
but don't watch,
then we don't actually
have to make the shows.
We just need viewers to believe
they can watch them.
Fake shows?
But what if people try to see them?
They won't, because recappers like you
will give those shows a B-minus.
No one ever watches a B-minus.
But, but that's crazy.
It could never work.
It already has.
Are you familiar with the USA Network?
Sure. Royal Pains, Suits, White Collar.
Have you ever seen any of those shows?
No, but somebody must have...
Surely somebody...
There is no USA Network.
There hasn't been for 20 years.
It's just bus ads!
Oh, my God.
Peak TV is a lie.
Your plan is insane.
Perhaps.
But not as insane as making...
that... many... shows.
I never had faith in God or family,
but I had faith in television.
And I won't let you do this to Him.
I have everything you said
recapped right here.
And I'm gonna tell the whole world
every detail of your terrible plan.
Hey, there's half a birthday
cake in the break room.
Mind if I...?
All right, I get it, I get it.
No, no, you can't close the circus.
There's got to be a way
to keep this place running.
If we only had 50 grand,
we could start over
with a new name and a new act.
Yeah. We can get the Flying Branzinos.
Nobody pickpockets a crowd
like those guys.
But we don't have the 50 grand.
The circus is done.
No, no, listen.
I can get you your money.
With this.
You're gonna teach us to read?
No. I'm Krusty.
Hey-hey.
On the count of attempted murder
of Homer Simpson,
the jury finds Herschel Krustofsky...
not guilty?
It was self-defense, Your Honor.
That recapper gave Krusty's show
bad grades.
It was justifiable Homer-cide.
He gave Outlander a B-minus.
That show knows what it wants
to be. Come on.
Ooh, I've heard that gets really
good about eight episodes in.
Krusty, you're free to go.
Mmm.
Is there room on that train
for one more clown?
Well, he did save the circus.
What do you say, Scuzzo?
Please, I'm not Krusty anymore.
I'm a circus clown.
I'm Soggy.
You're a, you're a TV clown.
The greatest TV clown I've
ever had the honor to know.
But you're a traitor to our kind.
Goodbye, circus.
Goodbye.
Another terrible show.
Thanks a lot, Chris Pine.
And now the bad recap.
They always find some new chump
to tear me down.
"A"? I got an "A"?
Everything I've ever done
has been great!
I'll never be sad again.
"A" is for Ralph.
Dad, Look!
They posted our story this morning.
Hmm.
Together we've exposed the truth.
It'll be the one legitimate
piece of journalism
on the whole site.
What's with this boring Peak TV article?
My patience is growing shorter
than Rachel Maddow's crew cut.
How many times do I have to tell you:
no bait, no clicks.
Hey, you, yeah, gummy bear,
put up a slideshow
that'll get me some eyeballs.
Eyeballs!
Ooh.