The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 30, Episode 14 - The Clown Stays in the Picture - full transcript

(horns honking)

Sorry, little dudes,
we're gonna be here a while.

A truck broke down, and the cops
are taking their sweet time

clearing it up.

(laughing) He thinks
my tummy is a mountain.

Lou, Lou, quick, take a selfie.

It's not a selfie if I take it.

He's kissing me.

Take a selfie! Take a selfie!

Oh, man, my phone's dead.

Milhouse, what am I missing
in the group text?



It's awesome.

You're never gonna get
caught up.

(Bart groans)

What kind of jazz you
listening to, stupid or boring?

It's Marc Maron's podcast.

He does cool interviews
with really interesting people.

Lame, lame, don't know him.

Lame, lame,
don't know her.

Loudon Wainwright, lame, lame.

(gasps)
This guy interviewed Krusty?

Yeah. Hey, no, aw,
that's my ear bu... Ew.

It's yours now.

MARC MARON:
Wow. That's incredible, Krusty.

I mean, really, I'm blown away.



Yeah, well, it's true.
It's absolutely true.

I have a phobia... of pies.

That's so crazy because,
I mean, we've all seen you get

hit in the face with pies
on your show.

No, no, no, those are cakes
decorated as pies.

Oh, right, so that's how you
make yourself feel safe.

It's not the crust;
it's the fillings.

Krusty, I got to ask you
about something,

and-and I don't want you
to get defensive,

but it's something
you've never talked about.

Can you tell me about
The Sands of Space?

Oh, no.
That's off-limits, soul patch!

We could talk about
the exploding milkshakes

in your Laffy Meals.

Did they ever find
those kids' noses?

Okay, okay, I'll tell you about
The Sands of Space,

the movie that almost
consumed my soul.

(electric can opener whirring)

- (cats mewling)
- Yeah, yeah, keep talking.

I'm just feeding the cats.

(loudly): It all began back in
the golden age of Hollywood,

the late 1980s,
when high concept was king.

You'd mix two kooky words
together in the title,

put a rap song at the end
that explains the plot,

and bam-- you're on the cover
of Premiere magazine.

I had starred in the hit
action buddy comedy

Good Cop, Dog Cop,

where I played
a murdered police officer

who is reincarnated as his
partner's pet Saint Bernard.

Five smashed squad cars,
100 exploded helicopters,

and the mayor's wife has fleas.

Turn in your badge
and your collar.

You're suspended for a month!

For me,
that's like seven months.

Dog Cop!

(grunting)

KRUSTY:
Suddenly, everyone in town

was dying to be
in the Krusty business,

and I was dipping shrimp
with all the big talents

I once longed to see fail.

And, of course, what the studio
wanted most was a sequel.

Okay, Krusty, we've got

Good Cop, Dog Cop 2:
Golden Revolver all lined up.

We, uh... who-who did the...

The two Terrys, they just
turned in a great script.

Savage Sam Borgberg
is all set to direct.

So when do we start?

I get it.
You think I'm just some hack,

out to churn out lazy sequels
for a quick buck.

Yes.

This is my next movie.

The Sands of Space?

Krusty, are you kidding me?

This is the most famously
un-filmable book in history.

It made Kubrick a recluse.
It-it drove Coppola to wine.

The four Jeffs tried
to write a script,

but even they couldn't crack it.

When I bought this at
an adult bookstore by mistake,

it changed my life.

"There's a light that shines
from star to star,

from soul to soul, connecting
everyone in the universe."

Wow.

It's not landing for me
that the hero doesn't

refuse the quest
before he accepts the quest.

Is that landing for you?

Look, I'm not drinking
out of one more toilet

until you green-light
this movie.

And I'm not playing
a dog, either. (grunts)

All right, we got a comic
who wants to make

a hippie-dippie
science-fiction vanity project.

Here's what we do: we humor him,
and we make it dirt cheap.

We could shoot it
in Mexico for nothing.

We hire a has-been to direct it

and never-wases
to do everything else.

After it bombs, that clown will
come scooting his butt back here

to make all the Dog Cop movies
we want. Two more.

KRUSTY:
The Sands of Space was a go,

and the studio hired
the least-qualified crew

they could find,
including a young couple

whose love was just
starting to bloom.

She was full of optimism,

and he was slightly less fat
than he was going to be.

What could be cooler?

You and me working on a movie
together all summer long

as production assistants.

It's so romantic.

We'll be like Elizabeth Taylor
and Richard Burton

if they had to get coffee
for everybody.

(both moaning)

(indistinct chatter)

All right, everyone,
saddle up for Juárez, Mexico.

That's where I shot
Manhattan Mix Up.

Lost a lot of good men
on that show.

Now, move it out!

♪ ♪

HOMER:
Why are we stopping?

SKINNER:
Oh, the bus has been
leaking oil for miles.

Look behind us.

HOMER:
Those things were literal?

♪ ♪

The Sands of Space,
day one, shot one, take one.

And... action!

So barren, so alien,

yet somehow... familiar.

Hey, what the hell is this?

Cut. Cut it!

This sand is sand-colored.
It's supposed to be red.

So what? Sand is sand.

Did you even read the book?

These blood dunes
are all that's left of humanity

after the Rust Wars.

What's to read?
It's a space picture.

Laser cars,
girls with octopus arms,

zip zap glip glorp,
and it's in the can.

Look, you no-talent
bag of wrinkles.

Go back to whatever
Toluca Lake drunk tank

they fished you out of,

because you're not getting
anywhere near my movie!

(blows nose)

Sir, I've worked
in moving pictures

since they were
called "stillies."

I once shot a two-hour picture
in 90 minutes.

And so I say to you, in the
words of Miss Lillian Gish,

go crap in your hat.

And now, if you'll excuse me,

I am going to mysteriously drown
in the ocean.

As you may have heard, there's
been an amicable parting of ways

with that moron director.
We wish him well.

Clearly, there's only one artist
close enough to this film

- to direct it: me.
- (all gasp)

I know what you're thinking--
have I taken on too much

by starring
and directing a movie

that I was also tricked
into cofinancing?

No, because this story
must be told.

This is so exciting.

Krusty's got the passion and
vision to make this movie great.

(sobbing)

I have no idea
how to make a movie.

I know nothing.

All these people are screwed.

And the crew gift
is just a T-shirt.

Right, right, I-I get it.

In the tradition
of every actor ever,

- you thought you could direct.
- Directing seemed so easy.

You just hold your hands like
this, then bing, bang, boom,

Annie Leibovitz
is taking your portrait

in a bathtub full of milk.

(laughs) Yeah, talk about
pressure, though.

Man, I remember once
I was filming a special

at the Laugh Basement
in Tampa...

This isn't about you.

You got your ad in
for Dollar Doorknob Club.

Now, let me talk.

KRUSTY:
They say in Hollywood,
"Nobody knows anything."

Well, I knew a lot less
than that.

What do you like
for the princess's headpiece,

- feathers or scales?
- I don't know, how about scales?

Oh, well, there goes
the whole costume budget.

Uh, for the crew lunch,

the grips want
their hot dogs boiled,

but the gaffers
want them grilled.

Either way, I don't got no
hot dogs, so, uh, which is it?

Do you want the space ship doors
to open like,

"Zzztt-zzztt," "ppswishh"
or "wahh-wahh"?

Judd Nelson won't come out
of his trailer.

Christian Slater won't go back
into his trailer.

How many sugars do you want
in your coffee?

Stop asking me things!

Is this an official break,
or are we taking a five?

- (screams)
- Wahh-wahh.

Hmm, that poor clown man.

This movie is his dream,
and it's falling apart.

Yeah, that's Mexico
showbiz for you.

(grunting)

♪ ♪

(groans)

(whirring)

Oh, is nothing
on this movie real?

Um, are you okay?

Okay?

I'm a total fraud who can't make
a single decision.

Well, maybe you just need
to start with a small one.

Like, what color should
the space monster's blood be,

orange or green?

Both. Neither. I don't know!

Just close your eyes,
breathe deeply,

and envision the blood.
What color is it?

Orange.

There you go. You decided.

Of course, orange!
I knew I was a genius!

I did it! I directed a movie!

Well, it's just one decision.

Oh, I'm a nothing.
A phony-baloney.

A no-talent. A zilch.

Just my luck to work for the
only insecure person in showbiz.

You risked everything you have
to tell this story.

It must be special.

Maybe I can do this
with your help.

How would you like to be
assistant to the director?

Really?

I need you to help me
be decisive.

No, wait, I don't want that!
Oh, God, which one?

- The first, the first.
- You're hired.

Oh!

(indistinct chatter)

Add more dynamite.

Uh, those explosives are
really close to those extras.

So? We got plenty of them.

That's why they're called
"extras," right?

(Krusty grunting)

You tell that lox
to go to acting school

and work there as a janitor.

Krusty loves what you're doing.
Same energy, little quicker.

Tell him to sod off.

He says, "You got it, baby."

It's so much pressure.
The whole movie depends on it.

Tell the story
that needs to be told.

That butt double
for the action scene,

that butt double for the
love scene. Let's make art!

♪ ♪

Sorry I'm late,

but Krusty and I were
storyboarding tomorrow's shots.

Close-up, medium, long, long,
establishing, close,

POV, wide, and then--
get this-- medium.

You've been so busy with
that director, I never see you.

Krusty needs me.
He's under so much pressure.

You wouldn't believe how much
directing dust he's sniffing.

Everyone's working hard.

We had to repaint all the sets
black and white for a flashback.

We wouldn't have been
able to do it

if not for all the crew powder.

Well, it'll all be worth it

when this movie touches
people's hearts,

as Peabo Bryson sings
the theme song over the credits.

You got Peabo?

- Well, he hasn't committed.
- He's not the only one.

This was supposed to be
a romantic adventure,

but whenever we have a moment
alone, your beeper goes off.

Why don't we have
a romantic adventure right now?

- Oh, yeah, baby.
- (moaning)

(pager beeps)

(both moaning)

Wahh-wahh.

(humming a tune)

- Where were you?
- (gasps)

I had to watch the dailies
without you.

Greetings. Welcome.

Greetings. Welcome.
Greetings. Welcome. Greetings.

I've been going back and forth
all night. Which is better?

- Did you get one with "Hello"?
- (screams)

I'm sorry, I was with Homer,
my boyfriend.

Boyfriend? You can't have
a boyfriend. I want you!

Krusty!

Not like a lady.

Like a "mother slash therapist
slash rabbi" who xeroxes things.

Dump the boyfriend.

I believe in this movie, but I
also believe in Homer and Marge.

Me, I'm Marge.

Oh, yes, Marge.
Marge, I knew that.

Marge. Marge.

I'm not going to break up
with Homer. He's my soul mate.

Hmm. You know what? I get it.

Your life has to come first.

Yet again, you're the only one
who can set me straight.

- Thank you.
- (laughs) That's all right.

It's not all right.

I'm gonna grind
that boyfriend down finer

than this movie's red sand...

that I now wish
was sand-colored.

- (intercom buzzes)
- Send in my anesthesiologist

so I can take a nap.

Dreams or no dreams?

Surprise me.

(gas hissing)

(Homer grunts, Marge gasps)

(laughs)

Wow, it's crazy, man, right?

How narcissism and insecurity
go hand in hand?

I mean, you couldn't function

because your assistant
had a boyfriend.

Where does that jealousy
come from?

How would I know?
I fired my shrink

after I found out she was seeing
other patients. Anyway...

KRUSTY:
I made sure the boyfriend

had all the most dangerous jobs
on the set.

I'm out of breakfast burritos.

- (overlapping shouting)
- (Homer screams)

(tires screech)

Bring in the stunt dummy.

(Homer screams)

- (thud)
- (Homer grunts)

Perfect. Let's get
one more for safety.

I'm telling you, your crazy boss
is out to get me.

No, he's not.
Krusty loves our relationship.

Every day,
he says it would be a shame

if something happened to you,
then laughs and laughs.

Then why are they sending me out
to the middle of the desert

to find a lizard for a new scene
about a space lizard?

Hmm, that does sound
a little dangerous.

No, I'm sure it's super safe.

I'll see you
when I get back alive.

(groans)

(wind whistling)

Here, lizard, lizard, lizard.

Who wants to be famous?

Look at all those skeletons.

Mexicans sure love Halloween.

Whoa!

D'oh! (grunts)
What the...? (grunts)

♪ ♪

(groans) Wha...

Oh, I'm trapped in a ravine.

Only one thing to do:
wait patiently for death.

- Dad, wake up!
- (mumbles) What?

Yeah, get up, fat-ass.

Who the hell are you,
talking cactuses?

We're the kids
you're never gonna have

if you don't you get your
lazy butt out of that hole.

And technically, it's "cacti."

- Ow!
- (laughs)

Why should I climb out of here
and have you?

Marge spends all her time
taking care of that needy clown.

I thought I was
her passion project.

You know, someday
you might appreciate a wife

who's developed
empathy and patience

for chubby, selfish men.

(laughs)
Look at that bald guy.

(laughs) He's so bald!

I don't think
we'll ever be born.

Sorry, Maggie.

Eat my thorns. (hums)

Why, you prickly...!

- (shouting angrily)
- (choking)

(panting)

A casa. I'm saved.

Ay, caramba!

The Pain Lords forced me to mine
every quarry on this planet,

but they never imagined
I had the Love Gem all along.

And... cut.

That was amazing.

And you remembered
all your lines.

Aw, thanks...

Marge.

You've helped me become
what every director should be:

an amiable guy
who makes everyone suffer

through his hellish process.

Homer's been kidnapped.

- (gasps)
- There's a note.

(speaking Spanish)

"We have taken
your blubbering coward."

(speaking Spanish)

"The ransom is $1 million

or 100 Los Angeles Raiders
season tickets."

- (speaking Spanish)
- "Go, Raiders."

Oh, geez, I'm sorry, everyone.

We don't have the cash
to ransom that kid,

but I think I know
what he'd want:

a special thanks
in the closing credits

right before which kind
of film stock we used.

Back to work.

No. This crew
looks after its own.

We're gonna save Homer,

and I don't care how much
golden time they have to pay us.

We don't have
a million-dollar ransom,

but we do have one thing:

movie magic.

Powder up, everyone.

(all shouting)

- (laughs)
- Ay, ay, ay! (speaks Spanish)

"Ay ay ay," indeed.

(crowd gasping)

Give us back our P.A.!

The Americans, they have weapons
from the future.

Yar!

These weapons from the future,
they are not real.

(imitating laser gun firing)

(imitating laser gun firing)

(groans)

Stop shooting.
Stop shooting. Cut!

Okay, that's a five.

We don't have
your million dollars,

but we can give you something
much more valuable:

a Hollywood movie.

All we want back is the
lowliest member of our crew.

We could sell it to
the highest bidder at MIFED!

You have a deal.

No, no! You can't give away
my masterwork.

"There's a light that shines
from star to star,

from soul to soul, connecting
everyone in the universe."

Be the man who believes
in those words,

and let the light between me and
Homer give life to our universe.

Gentlemen, the film is yours.

You're a good man, Krusty.

Only when I'm with you,

which is why I never
want to see you again.

I want that, too.

I've done a lot of interviews,
man, but wow.

I-I am so glad
that Byron Allen canceled.

And after that,
my movie career was kaput.

I was sent back to kids TV

and never cared about making
anything good ever again.

Well, folks, you heard it.
Who could ever forget it?

A heartbreaking story about a
selfish man's one selfless act.

Do you like hot cashews

but don't have the time
to heat them up?

'ShewBlasters is disrupting
the heated nut business.

If the 'Shew heats, eat it!

(Krusty groans)

- BART: Mom! Dad!
- You guys never told us

you worked on a movie together.

So that's why
you've been wearing

that crew jacket
all these years.

That crazy movie? Oh, man,
that was a long time ago.

We were just kids.

What was it like?

Well, working on that movie set

turned out to be
a lot like our marriage.

Long days, stupid fights
you don't remember,

but damn good breakfasts.

A good breakfast
can get you through a lot.

But what happened to the movie?
Did Krusty ever see it?

I don't know.
I guess we'll never know.

(light buzzing)

The love crystal
is whole once more.

The prophecy is fulfilled.

(laughter)

- What? Why are they laughing?
- They think it's a comedy.

(groans) It was supposed to show
how we're all connected.

Look around, man.
Maybe it did, maybe it did.

If you think this is closure,
you're nuts.

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH

CREW GUY:
Wahh-wahh.