The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 23, Episode 6 - The Book Job - full transcript
Homer and Bart put together a team to author the next successful tween novel franchise and make a million dollars, but discover that they need Lisa's help to pull it off.
♪ The Simpsons 23x06 ♪
The Book Job
Original Air Date on November 20, 2011
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
(excited chattering)
Our journey begins
65 million years ago
when amazing creatures
took their first steps.
It's so cute that
all these children
are excited to see
their favorite dinosaurs.
(roaring)
(screaming)
(screeching)
These aren't dinosaurs!
Dinosaurs sing!
(grunts)
I want to go back in Mommy!
(roaring)
(panicked screaming)
Oh, oh, oh,
oh, oh!
I paid $800 for five minutes!
NARRATOR: The dinosaurs ruled the Earth
for millions of years,
until a massive asteroid
collided with the Earth,
bringing their reign to an end.
(crackling)
(groaning)
HOMER (singsongy):
Ex-tinct!
NARRATOR: So remember,
take good care of the Earth,
or we could suffer
the same fate as the dinosaurs.
Ooh, kids, did
you hear that lesson?
How is that
the lesson?
The point of
the dinosaurs is,
no matter what we do, an
asteroid's gonna wipe us out,
so we should party hard
and wreck the place!
Yeah! Why should
the asteroid have all the fun!
(grunts)
What? They've
got a point.
(grunting)
Gift shop!
Gift shop!
All right, you can
each have one toy.
Lisa has a big toy.
No fair. That means
I get two small toys.
No fair. This isn't
big, it's medium!
No fair! Then I get four
small toys and Lisa gets
one medium and one small.
What?! He gets four
and I only get two?
No fair!
All right, that's it!
Forget it!
No toys for anyone!
Okay, Maggie gets a toy.
No fair!
No fair!
Choke on fossil poop!
(screams)
Hey, I know you.
(gasps)
Wait! Wait!
Come back!
Dad, follow that dinosaur!
I've waited my whole life
to hear that.
(Homer panting)
Triceratops head...
coming through!
Stegosaurus back plates,
used for either defense
or control of body temperature,
coming through!
(panting)
So tired.
Go on without me.
(groans)
(sighs)
(T.rex mouth creaking)
(Homer snoring)
You're T.R. Francis!
You wrote
the Angelica Button books.
They're my favorite
fantasy novels.
Um, yes, it's me,
the creator of your
beloved magical world,
full of whimsy and, uh...
chapters.
Now, off you go.
Bye-bye, now.
But why are you working
at a dinosaur show?
And why did you
run away from me?
And how did Angelica
get a new wand
after Baron Mortdeath burned
the Wandwood Forest? And...
Look, you seem
like a smart kid,
so here's the truth.
T.R. Francis isn't real.
(laughs):
Of course you're real.
Everybody knows you got
the idea for this series
after an explosion
at a crumpet factory
knocked you off
a double-decker bus.
How could that be made up?
I'm just an actress
they use for the jacket photo.
That inspirational life story
is pure fiction.
Oh, I hate to break it to you,
but all the books you kids love
are conceived
in executive boardrooms.
The plots are based
on market research,
and the pages are churned out
by a room full of
pill-popping lit majors
desperate for work.
Publishers rake in the cash,
and unsuspecting kids
get ten books a year
by their favorite "author."
(gasps) Everything I believed
about "young adult" literature
is a lie!
(sobbing)
HOMER: It's not against the law to
sleep in a Tyrannosaurus head.
Sir, you're inside
an Allosaurus.
HOMER: I demand to speak
to my paleontologist!
Can I have my allowance Early?
I need to buy some
carbon-offset credits
so I can burn all my
Angelica Button books.
Oh, honey, I'm sorry
your book lady turned
out to be a dinosaur.
But you liked the stories
when you read them.
So what does it matter?
Doesn't it bother you
that Betty Crocker
is an invention of
'20s-era ad men?
I know you're hurting,
but that's no reason
to lash out at me.
Can you believe publishers
would lie to their readers
just to make an
easy million bucks?
A million bucks?!
Every book on
the "young adult" charts
is written by five idiots
who just want
to take advantage of kids.
(gasps)
I know five idiots!
And they just cash their checks
and get away with it every time.
It's the perfect crime.
As long as you don't mind
betraying the trust
of vulnerable
young minds.
The perfect crime, eh?
♪ ♪
(video game weapon blasting)
Whatever the job is,
I'm not interested.
A million bucks has changed
stupider minds than yours.
I like the beat,
play me the tune.
We're taking down
kids who read.
Chapter-book crowd?
That's a juicy peach.
But what's the cream?
I'm putting together
a tween-lit gang-write.
- Tween-lit gang-write?
- Tween-lit gang-write.
But this Babar
needs a Zephyr.
A Zephyr?
You're the Zephyr.
This better not turn
out like Kansas City.
It won't be like
Kansas City.
♪ ♪
Come on, Skinner, you're the
best kid-man in the business.
You've read their notes,
searched their lockers--
you know how tweens think.
(chuckles)
Oh, no, thanks, gentlemen,
I've got a nice, quiet life here
and I mean to keep it that way.
Your friends are looking at
my bloomers!
Wash 'em again!
(groans)
With your share of the money,
you could get
your own studio apartment.
The refrigerator
could have my magnets on it.
I'm in.
Come on, beautiful,
I can't do the job without you.
So, what do you say...
D'oh!
Ow.
Our crew needs
you, Bouvier.
You've read enough
fantasy novels
to choke a hippogriff.
PATTY: Mm...
It's true. I'm fluent
in every imaginary language,
from Dothraki to Parseltongue.
(speaking Parseltongue)
I wouldn't join one
of your harebrained schemes
for all the Japanese
girlfriend pillows in Kyoto!
We're not here for you,
we're here for Lenny.
Sorry, guys.
I just adopted
a capuchin monkey,
and I can't leave it alone
during the bonding phase.
Wait, wait, wait,
I want in!
What does your crew
need, a safecracker?
A-A wheel man?
The caper is writing
a kids' fantasy novel.
Well, I, uh, I don't like to brag
about it, but I did publish
five modestly successful
children's books.
Hmm?
All we need now
is a computer guy.
Do you have a computer?
(coughs)
Uh, yes.
You're in.
In what?
I keep going over the
job from every angle,
but I can't shake the feeling
that we're missing something.
Relax. With the team
we put together,
our book'll fly off the shelves,
and we'll be sipping Mai Tais
on a beach in Shelbyville.
You're group-writing
a book?
But the only reason anyone
would ever do that is... (gasps)
(whispers):
profit!
Like no one ever writes
for money, Lisa.
I don't see your boyfriend
William Shakespeare
missing too many meals.
I'll show you!
I'll write a book myself!
A personal story
my readers will connect with.
Wait, you're gonna
be all the guys?
How would that work?
(frustrated groan)
This is how real writers do it.
I'll just bang out 2,000 words,
and then I'll stop--
even if I'm on fire.
I got to pace myself.
(chuckles)
Chapter one.
Wait. I can't start
without music to inspire me.
Why is Bach
next to Muddy Waters?
That's my problem-- I got
to get these CDs organized.
(classical music playing)
There. Finished.
Now, if I win just
two more games of online Boggle,
I'll be ready to start writing.
Spot, stop, sop, top-tops,
pot-pots, opt-opts...
Post!
♪ ♪
Okay, we've cased
a lot of tween books.
What's their M.O.?
The heroes are all orphans.
And they're set in a place
kids relate to--
say... a school--
but it's actually magic.
And the protagonist
always discovers
that he is supernatural.
Okay, our book will be about
an orphan who goes
to a magical school
where he discovers
he's... a vampire!
Vampires...
like these?
HOMER: Huh?
PATTY: Or those?
HOMER: Huh?
PATTY: Or these guys?
HOMER: Huh?!
(frustrated groans)
So many vampires!
With the fangs and the capes
and the medals-- nobody knows how
they earned them.
Hey, this job's falling apart.
Everyone head
for a different airport,
and we meet in Rio
in a year with new faces.
(two gunshots)
No one's going anywhere.
Okay? The vampire genre
is sucked out.
All we got to do is find
a new monster to be our hero.
KIDS:
Aah! A troll!
Hey, I ain't a troll.
Look, I bleed red,
just like you.
Th-The first part is always
green, but it turns red.
A troll!
That's it!
Our book could be
about an orphan troll!
Trolls live
under bridges--
the school should be
under a bridge.
The Brooklyn Bridge!
And the cool
kids are elves.
The cheerleaders
are pixies.
The stoners are...
(snaps fingers)
gargoyles!
And they play a
complicated sport
which makes no sense
called Fuzzlepitch!
Oh, yeah, yeah,
that's good!
(chuckles)
We've cracked it.
We're gonna
be rich!
MAN:
Pardon me,
but are you scheming to coauthor
a successful series
of children's fantasy novels?
Okay, Stonehenge, let's see how
good you are at eavesdropping
without a throat!
Don't kill him!
That's Neil Gaiman.
I don't care if he's the guy
who wrote Sandman Volume One:
Preludes and Nocturnes--
no one spies on us!
Perhaps someone
of my experience
would be a valuable addition
to your... crew.
The king of fantasy books on
our fantasy book-writing team?
Okay, Gaiman, you're in.
Your job is to get lunch.
And lose the British accent.
(with American accent):
Cheeseburgers, French fries.
I'm all over that, pal.
Sitting in a coffee shop.
I couldn't feel more
like a real writer. (sighs)
Oh, I better set up my Wi-Fi, in
case I need to do some research.
But if I'm gonna use
their free Internet,
I really should buy something.
God, I love
being a writer!
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
"And so, Lucinda placed
the fifth shard
"in the stained-glass window,
which now clearly read,
"'Your parents are alive.'
"Gregor turned
to his twin sister,
"and they both understood,
their journey
was just beginning."
The end.
(applause)
(Moe cries)
It's good.
Weekly Reader Star
Selection good.
I just hope we put in enough
steampunk, whatever that is.
Who wants to see my cover
♪ mock-up?! ♪
(whirring)
"The Troll Twins of
Underbridge Academy."
I'm so proud
of us.
Oh, you didn't write
any of it.
That tuna didn't salad itself.
(muttering)
(gasps)
I've got it!
A mermaid falls in love
with a boy on land.
I'm a genius!
(yells)
Writing is the hardest thing
ever!
(whirring)
Huh?
Hope you don't mind us printing
our book in your room, Lis.
Yeah, only
your professional-strength
output tray can handle
the weight of our manuscript.
Correction.
Finished manuscript.
Whoo-hoo!
(groans)
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
MAN:
Trolls in a magical
prep school under
the Brooklyn Bridge?
- Interesting.
GROUP: Whoo!
This is a really good book.
We know. We wrote it.
I laminated the lunch menu
and put them ia binder.
But we have a problem here.
Where's your fake author?
Fake author?
Fake author!
If you don't have
a made-up author
with an inspirational tale,
you don't have a book!
Where's your
Franklin W. Dixon?
Where's your T.R. Francis?
Where's your Stephen King?
Stupid, stupid,
stupid!
We forgot
to create a fake author!
That was Gaiman's job.
Let's acid melt him
in a bathtub!
Okay, stay frosty.
All we need
to do is find some sap
to pretend to be the writer
of our book.
So hit the floor and find
some pathetic wanna-be author.
♪ ♪
Coming to the book fair
sure was a great idea.
'Cause you can't write
if you don't know
what the competition's up to!
(wry laugh)
A dog wrote a bestseller?!
(yells)
All I've done is procrastinate!
Ah, who am I kidding?
There will never be a book
with my name on it.
Or... your name could be
on a book in ten minutes.
Do I have to do
any writing?
No.
I'm in.
♪ ♪
Ah, a preteen
prodigy.
I like the hook.
What's the phony back story?
I was raised
in a traveling circus.
My mother was a lady ringmaster,
and my father was a lion barber.
I wrote my first story
with clown lipstick
on a flattened
popcorn box.
It was featured
in The New Yorker's
"Best Forty
Under Four" issue.
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Is R.L. Stine here, 'cause
you just gave me Goosebumps?
(laughter)
Oh, good one, boss.
Congratulations.
You just sold your book
for a million dollars.
♪
♪
(cash register rings)
Gentlemen,
to The Troll Twins of
Underbridge Academy."
(whooping)
Yeah!
So, does this square us
for Kansas City?
Square as Golden Books, Pop.
What happened to me?
In one vulnerable moment,
I became the thing
I hated most-- a literary fraud.
But Lis, when this book
comes out, you'll be beloved.
Not just by Milhouses.
You'll get attention
from Jacksons, Xanders,
even Aidens.
Aw, I've always
wanted an Aiden.
(door creaks open)
Here it is, an advance copy.
"The Vampire Twins
Of Transylvania Prep"?!
Where's the trolls?
The trolls are now vampires,
the Brooklyn Bridge
is now a castle,
and Fuzzlepitch
is now Bloodball.
Oh, weak! Weak and lame!
How could
the publishers change our book?
If they had been in charge
of the Sistine Chapel,
the whole thing
would be vampires,
instead of the pope's
private naked dude mural.
Look, we market-tested the book,
and it really got dinged
on the whole trolls thing.
I mean dinged.
So we made some changes.
Don't feel bad.
Before we got our hands
on Twilight,
it was about a girl
who fell in love with a golem.
But teenagers weren't going
to spend their allowances
to join Team Schmul.
But the trolls
were the best part!
Do the characters still say
trolly instead of cool?
- No.
- Oh, that is so untrolly!
Hey, if you don't want
your words changed,
write a screenplay.
We own your book,
so why don't you go and cry
into your million-dollar check?
How could they do this
to our book?
It was the singular
vision of seven people.
- No way!
- What you're feeling is called
pride of authorship.
You thought you only cared
about money,
but you actually care more about
what you've created together.
British Fonzie
is right.
Our story is actually
more important than money.
I was gonna buy the
apartment next door
and fill it with dolls, but
now that just sounds stupid.
They can't do this to us.
We've got to fight back!
Yeah, let's get 'em!
- Oh, yeah! - He's right.
We got to fight...
Rule number one
of book heists--
never fall in love
with the book.
We queer the deal,
we lose the money.
Bart, remember
the thousand-year war
between the trolls
and the ogres?
Yeah?
Now it's a dance contest
at the vampire prom.
(gasps)
Let's steal back our book.
♪ ♪
Somewhere in that building
is a computer
with their sucky version
of our masterpiece.
The book prints
at midnight,
so if we swap
in the original version,
they'll print the wrong book--
our book.
And before the publishers
can do anything about it,
The Troll Twins Of
Underbridge Academy
will be in every
bookstore in America!
This is the
Fuzzlepitch Finals,
and tonight, we drink
from the Wazzle Cup!
Hello.
I'm the pizza delivery man.
We didn't order a pizza.
No, of course
you didn't.
The establishment I work for
delivers pizzas to everyone,
and then gives
the customer the option
of accepting
or refusing delivery.
That's a terrible
business strategy.
No, no,
it's quite sound.
Okay, fine.
Where's the pizza?
Pizza?
♪ ♪
The central computer's
through here.
All we have to do
is upload our file and...
Good evening,
gentlemen.
Kansas City.
(sighs)
Kansas City.
So, you thought
you would un-ruin your book.
If it's y consolation,
you never had a chance.
Whoo-hoo!
All right!
Someone in your gang
tipped me off
to your little caper.
A traitor?
(all grunt suspiciously)
I bet it's the Earl
of Marmalade over here.
(whimpers)
No, guys. It was me.
- Oh, betrayal!
- (all gasp) It can't be!
It's always a dame.
But why?
Because a little girl
wants her dream
to come true.
LISA: My name
is finally on a book!
And they're letting me
write the sequel!
A hard deadline is just the kick
in the pants I need
to focus and get
some serious writing done.
Now to enter the password and
to authorize final publication.
My favorite theme
of a wall calendar.
Lisa, would you care
to do the honors?
I'm sorry.
(click)
(whirring)
Oh, by the way, the audio book
is only available... abridged.
Abridged!
(cackling)
Well, we may have lost, but
we gave the bad guy a laugh.
That's something.
Our book!
The real one!
Yes!
(laughs)
♪ Wonderful
words! ♪
- No need to thank me, boys.
HOMER: Hey,
you wouldn't say that unless
there was a need to thank you.
You could never have printed
your version of the book
without the publisher's
password,
so I pretended to betray you.
Then after he typed
the password,
I secretly switched
the flash drives.
You switched
the drives?
I got the idea
from every movie ever made.
♪ ♪
And the best part is,
my face is still
on the back flap.
(gasps)
Gaiman!
Poor Lisa. Did it never
occur to her that there might be
three flash drives?
I've heisted my way to
the bestseller list once again.
And the most brilliant part is,
I don't even know how to read.
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
(laughing)
Gaiman, I've been waiting
to do this for a long time.
(yells)
Congratulations, partner.
We did it.
Hey, Neil, how come
you watched me drink mine,
but you didn't drink yours?
It's simple, Moe.
I don't like the
taste... of poison.
Ah... crap.
Shh!
The Book Job
Original Air Date on November 20, 2011
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
(excited chattering)
Our journey begins
65 million years ago
when amazing creatures
took their first steps.
It's so cute that
all these children
are excited to see
their favorite dinosaurs.
(roaring)
(screaming)
(screeching)
These aren't dinosaurs!
Dinosaurs sing!
(grunts)
I want to go back in Mommy!
(roaring)
(panicked screaming)
Oh, oh, oh,
oh, oh!
I paid $800 for five minutes!
NARRATOR: The dinosaurs ruled the Earth
for millions of years,
until a massive asteroid
collided with the Earth,
bringing their reign to an end.
(crackling)
(groaning)
HOMER (singsongy):
Ex-tinct!
NARRATOR: So remember,
take good care of the Earth,
or we could suffer
the same fate as the dinosaurs.
Ooh, kids, did
you hear that lesson?
How is that
the lesson?
The point of
the dinosaurs is,
no matter what we do, an
asteroid's gonna wipe us out,
so we should party hard
and wreck the place!
Yeah! Why should
the asteroid have all the fun!
(grunts)
What? They've
got a point.
(grunting)
Gift shop!
Gift shop!
All right, you can
each have one toy.
Lisa has a big toy.
No fair. That means
I get two small toys.
No fair. This isn't
big, it's medium!
No fair! Then I get four
small toys and Lisa gets
one medium and one small.
What?! He gets four
and I only get two?
No fair!
All right, that's it!
Forget it!
No toys for anyone!
Okay, Maggie gets a toy.
No fair!
No fair!
Choke on fossil poop!
(screams)
Hey, I know you.
(gasps)
Wait! Wait!
Come back!
Dad, follow that dinosaur!
I've waited my whole life
to hear that.
(Homer panting)
Triceratops head...
coming through!
Stegosaurus back plates,
used for either defense
or control of body temperature,
coming through!
(panting)
So tired.
Go on without me.
(groans)
(sighs)
(T.rex mouth creaking)
(Homer snoring)
You're T.R. Francis!
You wrote
the Angelica Button books.
They're my favorite
fantasy novels.
Um, yes, it's me,
the creator of your
beloved magical world,
full of whimsy and, uh...
chapters.
Now, off you go.
Bye-bye, now.
But why are you working
at a dinosaur show?
And why did you
run away from me?
And how did Angelica
get a new wand
after Baron Mortdeath burned
the Wandwood Forest? And...
Look, you seem
like a smart kid,
so here's the truth.
T.R. Francis isn't real.
(laughs):
Of course you're real.
Everybody knows you got
the idea for this series
after an explosion
at a crumpet factory
knocked you off
a double-decker bus.
How could that be made up?
I'm just an actress
they use for the jacket photo.
That inspirational life story
is pure fiction.
Oh, I hate to break it to you,
but all the books you kids love
are conceived
in executive boardrooms.
The plots are based
on market research,
and the pages are churned out
by a room full of
pill-popping lit majors
desperate for work.
Publishers rake in the cash,
and unsuspecting kids
get ten books a year
by their favorite "author."
(gasps) Everything I believed
about "young adult" literature
is a lie!
(sobbing)
HOMER: It's not against the law to
sleep in a Tyrannosaurus head.
Sir, you're inside
an Allosaurus.
HOMER: I demand to speak
to my paleontologist!
Can I have my allowance Early?
I need to buy some
carbon-offset credits
so I can burn all my
Angelica Button books.
Oh, honey, I'm sorry
your book lady turned
out to be a dinosaur.
But you liked the stories
when you read them.
So what does it matter?
Doesn't it bother you
that Betty Crocker
is an invention of
'20s-era ad men?
I know you're hurting,
but that's no reason
to lash out at me.
Can you believe publishers
would lie to their readers
just to make an
easy million bucks?
A million bucks?!
Every book on
the "young adult" charts
is written by five idiots
who just want
to take advantage of kids.
(gasps)
I know five idiots!
And they just cash their checks
and get away with it every time.
It's the perfect crime.
As long as you don't mind
betraying the trust
of vulnerable
young minds.
The perfect crime, eh?
♪ ♪
(video game weapon blasting)
Whatever the job is,
I'm not interested.
A million bucks has changed
stupider minds than yours.
I like the beat,
play me the tune.
We're taking down
kids who read.
Chapter-book crowd?
That's a juicy peach.
But what's the cream?
I'm putting together
a tween-lit gang-write.
- Tween-lit gang-write?
- Tween-lit gang-write.
But this Babar
needs a Zephyr.
A Zephyr?
You're the Zephyr.
This better not turn
out like Kansas City.
It won't be like
Kansas City.
♪ ♪
Come on, Skinner, you're the
best kid-man in the business.
You've read their notes,
searched their lockers--
you know how tweens think.
(chuckles)
Oh, no, thanks, gentlemen,
I've got a nice, quiet life here
and I mean to keep it that way.
Your friends are looking at
my bloomers!
Wash 'em again!
(groans)
With your share of the money,
you could get
your own studio apartment.
The refrigerator
could have my magnets on it.
I'm in.
Come on, beautiful,
I can't do the job without you.
So, what do you say...
D'oh!
Ow.
Our crew needs
you, Bouvier.
You've read enough
fantasy novels
to choke a hippogriff.
PATTY: Mm...
It's true. I'm fluent
in every imaginary language,
from Dothraki to Parseltongue.
(speaking Parseltongue)
I wouldn't join one
of your harebrained schemes
for all the Japanese
girlfriend pillows in Kyoto!
We're not here for you,
we're here for Lenny.
Sorry, guys.
I just adopted
a capuchin monkey,
and I can't leave it alone
during the bonding phase.
Wait, wait, wait,
I want in!
What does your crew
need, a safecracker?
A-A wheel man?
The caper is writing
a kids' fantasy novel.
Well, I, uh, I don't like to brag
about it, but I did publish
five modestly successful
children's books.
Hmm?
All we need now
is a computer guy.
Do you have a computer?
(coughs)
Uh, yes.
You're in.
In what?
I keep going over the
job from every angle,
but I can't shake the feeling
that we're missing something.
Relax. With the team
we put together,
our book'll fly off the shelves,
and we'll be sipping Mai Tais
on a beach in Shelbyville.
You're group-writing
a book?
But the only reason anyone
would ever do that is... (gasps)
(whispers):
profit!
Like no one ever writes
for money, Lisa.
I don't see your boyfriend
William Shakespeare
missing too many meals.
I'll show you!
I'll write a book myself!
A personal story
my readers will connect with.
Wait, you're gonna
be all the guys?
How would that work?
(frustrated groan)
This is how real writers do it.
I'll just bang out 2,000 words,
and then I'll stop--
even if I'm on fire.
I got to pace myself.
(chuckles)
Chapter one.
Wait. I can't start
without music to inspire me.
Why is Bach
next to Muddy Waters?
That's my problem-- I got
to get these CDs organized.
(classical music playing)
There. Finished.
Now, if I win just
two more games of online Boggle,
I'll be ready to start writing.
Spot, stop, sop, top-tops,
pot-pots, opt-opts...
Post!
♪ ♪
Okay, we've cased
a lot of tween books.
What's their M.O.?
The heroes are all orphans.
And they're set in a place
kids relate to--
say... a school--
but it's actually magic.
And the protagonist
always discovers
that he is supernatural.
Okay, our book will be about
an orphan who goes
to a magical school
where he discovers
he's... a vampire!
Vampires...
like these?
HOMER: Huh?
PATTY: Or those?
HOMER: Huh?
PATTY: Or these guys?
HOMER: Huh?!
(frustrated groans)
So many vampires!
With the fangs and the capes
and the medals-- nobody knows how
they earned them.
Hey, this job's falling apart.
Everyone head
for a different airport,
and we meet in Rio
in a year with new faces.
(two gunshots)
No one's going anywhere.
Okay? The vampire genre
is sucked out.
All we got to do is find
a new monster to be our hero.
KIDS:
Aah! A troll!
Hey, I ain't a troll.
Look, I bleed red,
just like you.
Th-The first part is always
green, but it turns red.
A troll!
That's it!
Our book could be
about an orphan troll!
Trolls live
under bridges--
the school should be
under a bridge.
The Brooklyn Bridge!
And the cool
kids are elves.
The cheerleaders
are pixies.
The stoners are...
(snaps fingers)
gargoyles!
And they play a
complicated sport
which makes no sense
called Fuzzlepitch!
Oh, yeah, yeah,
that's good!
(chuckles)
We've cracked it.
We're gonna
be rich!
MAN:
Pardon me,
but are you scheming to coauthor
a successful series
of children's fantasy novels?
Okay, Stonehenge, let's see how
good you are at eavesdropping
without a throat!
Don't kill him!
That's Neil Gaiman.
I don't care if he's the guy
who wrote Sandman Volume One:
Preludes and Nocturnes--
no one spies on us!
Perhaps someone
of my experience
would be a valuable addition
to your... crew.
The king of fantasy books on
our fantasy book-writing team?
Okay, Gaiman, you're in.
Your job is to get lunch.
And lose the British accent.
(with American accent):
Cheeseburgers, French fries.
I'm all over that, pal.
Sitting in a coffee shop.
I couldn't feel more
like a real writer. (sighs)
Oh, I better set up my Wi-Fi, in
case I need to do some research.
But if I'm gonna use
their free Internet,
I really should buy something.
God, I love
being a writer!
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
"And so, Lucinda placed
the fifth shard
"in the stained-glass window,
which now clearly read,
"'Your parents are alive.'
"Gregor turned
to his twin sister,
"and they both understood,
their journey
was just beginning."
The end.
(applause)
(Moe cries)
It's good.
Weekly Reader Star
Selection good.
I just hope we put in enough
steampunk, whatever that is.
Who wants to see my cover
♪ mock-up?! ♪
(whirring)
"The Troll Twins of
Underbridge Academy."
I'm so proud
of us.
Oh, you didn't write
any of it.
That tuna didn't salad itself.
(muttering)
(gasps)
I've got it!
A mermaid falls in love
with a boy on land.
I'm a genius!
(yells)
Writing is the hardest thing
ever!
(whirring)
Huh?
Hope you don't mind us printing
our book in your room, Lis.
Yeah, only
your professional-strength
output tray can handle
the weight of our manuscript.
Correction.
Finished manuscript.
Whoo-hoo!
(groans)
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
MAN:
Trolls in a magical
prep school under
the Brooklyn Bridge?
- Interesting.
GROUP: Whoo!
This is a really good book.
We know. We wrote it.
I laminated the lunch menu
and put them ia binder.
But we have a problem here.
Where's your fake author?
Fake author?
Fake author!
If you don't have
a made-up author
with an inspirational tale,
you don't have a book!
Where's your
Franklin W. Dixon?
Where's your T.R. Francis?
Where's your Stephen King?
Stupid, stupid,
stupid!
We forgot
to create a fake author!
That was Gaiman's job.
Let's acid melt him
in a bathtub!
Okay, stay frosty.
All we need
to do is find some sap
to pretend to be the writer
of our book.
So hit the floor and find
some pathetic wanna-be author.
♪ ♪
Coming to the book fair
sure was a great idea.
'Cause you can't write
if you don't know
what the competition's up to!
(wry laugh)
A dog wrote a bestseller?!
(yells)
All I've done is procrastinate!
Ah, who am I kidding?
There will never be a book
with my name on it.
Or... your name could be
on a book in ten minutes.
Do I have to do
any writing?
No.
I'm in.
♪ ♪
Ah, a preteen
prodigy.
I like the hook.
What's the phony back story?
I was raised
in a traveling circus.
My mother was a lady ringmaster,
and my father was a lion barber.
I wrote my first story
with clown lipstick
on a flattened
popcorn box.
It was featured
in The New Yorker's
"Best Forty
Under Four" issue.
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Is R.L. Stine here, 'cause
you just gave me Goosebumps?
(laughter)
Oh, good one, boss.
Congratulations.
You just sold your book
for a million dollars.
♪
♪
(cash register rings)
Gentlemen,
to The Troll Twins of
Underbridge Academy."
(whooping)
Yeah!
So, does this square us
for Kansas City?
Square as Golden Books, Pop.
What happened to me?
In one vulnerable moment,
I became the thing
I hated most-- a literary fraud.
But Lis, when this book
comes out, you'll be beloved.
Not just by Milhouses.
You'll get attention
from Jacksons, Xanders,
even Aidens.
Aw, I've always
wanted an Aiden.
(door creaks open)
Here it is, an advance copy.
"The Vampire Twins
Of Transylvania Prep"?!
Where's the trolls?
The trolls are now vampires,
the Brooklyn Bridge
is now a castle,
and Fuzzlepitch
is now Bloodball.
Oh, weak! Weak and lame!
How could
the publishers change our book?
If they had been in charge
of the Sistine Chapel,
the whole thing
would be vampires,
instead of the pope's
private naked dude mural.
Look, we market-tested the book,
and it really got dinged
on the whole trolls thing.
I mean dinged.
So we made some changes.
Don't feel bad.
Before we got our hands
on Twilight,
it was about a girl
who fell in love with a golem.
But teenagers weren't going
to spend their allowances
to join Team Schmul.
But the trolls
were the best part!
Do the characters still say
trolly instead of cool?
- No.
- Oh, that is so untrolly!
Hey, if you don't want
your words changed,
write a screenplay.
We own your book,
so why don't you go and cry
into your million-dollar check?
How could they do this
to our book?
It was the singular
vision of seven people.
- No way!
- What you're feeling is called
pride of authorship.
You thought you only cared
about money,
but you actually care more about
what you've created together.
British Fonzie
is right.
Our story is actually
more important than money.
I was gonna buy the
apartment next door
and fill it with dolls, but
now that just sounds stupid.
They can't do this to us.
We've got to fight back!
Yeah, let's get 'em!
- Oh, yeah! - He's right.
We got to fight...
Rule number one
of book heists--
never fall in love
with the book.
We queer the deal,
we lose the money.
Bart, remember
the thousand-year war
between the trolls
and the ogres?
Yeah?
Now it's a dance contest
at the vampire prom.
(gasps)
Let's steal back our book.
♪ ♪
Somewhere in that building
is a computer
with their sucky version
of our masterpiece.
The book prints
at midnight,
so if we swap
in the original version,
they'll print the wrong book--
our book.
And before the publishers
can do anything about it,
The Troll Twins Of
Underbridge Academy
will be in every
bookstore in America!
This is the
Fuzzlepitch Finals,
and tonight, we drink
from the Wazzle Cup!
Hello.
I'm the pizza delivery man.
We didn't order a pizza.
No, of course
you didn't.
The establishment I work for
delivers pizzas to everyone,
and then gives
the customer the option
of accepting
or refusing delivery.
That's a terrible
business strategy.
No, no,
it's quite sound.
Okay, fine.
Where's the pizza?
Pizza?
♪ ♪
The central computer's
through here.
All we have to do
is upload our file and...
Good evening,
gentlemen.
Kansas City.
(sighs)
Kansas City.
So, you thought
you would un-ruin your book.
If it's y consolation,
you never had a chance.
Whoo-hoo!
All right!
Someone in your gang
tipped me off
to your little caper.
A traitor?
(all grunt suspiciously)
I bet it's the Earl
of Marmalade over here.
(whimpers)
No, guys. It was me.
- Oh, betrayal!
- (all gasp) It can't be!
It's always a dame.
But why?
Because a little girl
wants her dream
to come true.
LISA: My name
is finally on a book!
And they're letting me
write the sequel!
A hard deadline is just the kick
in the pants I need
to focus and get
some serious writing done.
Now to enter the password and
to authorize final publication.
My favorite theme
of a wall calendar.
Lisa, would you care
to do the honors?
I'm sorry.
(click)
(whirring)
Oh, by the way, the audio book
is only available... abridged.
Abridged!
(cackling)
Well, we may have lost, but
we gave the bad guy a laugh.
That's something.
Our book!
The real one!
Yes!
(laughs)
♪ Wonderful
words! ♪
- No need to thank me, boys.
HOMER: Hey,
you wouldn't say that unless
there was a need to thank you.
You could never have printed
your version of the book
without the publisher's
password,
so I pretended to betray you.
Then after he typed
the password,
I secretly switched
the flash drives.
You switched
the drives?
I got the idea
from every movie ever made.
♪ ♪
And the best part is,
my face is still
on the back flap.
(gasps)
Gaiman!
Poor Lisa. Did it never
occur to her that there might be
three flash drives?
I've heisted my way to
the bestseller list once again.
And the most brilliant part is,
I don't even know how to read.
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
(laughing)
Gaiman, I've been waiting
to do this for a long time.
(yells)
Congratulations, partner.
We did it.
Hey, Neil, how come
you watched me drink mine,
but you didn't drink yours?
It's simple, Moe.
I don't like the
taste... of poison.
Ah... crap.
Shh!