The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 23, Episode 4 - Replaceable You - full transcript
Homer is betrayed by his new assistant at work and winds up working for her, and Bart and Martin create a science project that brings joy to the seniors at the Springfield Retirement Castle.
Gas!
D'oh!
Mm...!
Hey! Huh?
♪ The Itchy and Scratchy Show! ♪
It's alive!
It's alive!
Friend?
Bart, you want to
see something cool?
Oh, did you pick that
big scab off your knee?
No.
Don't touch the scab!
My science fair project proves
that an asteroid will strike
the earth on July 15, 9789.
Who cares?
I'll be President
of Hell by then.
Fine. Good luck
with your project,
which I'm sure you
haven't started yet.
I'll tell you my project.
A fisteroid hitting
the planet Nerd!
That's pathetic.
Aw, geez, I put
a lot of time in this.
Back to the drawing board.
Hmm...
Hey, Bart!
Is your cootie shot ready?
No. The science fair's
not till next week.
I really need that shot.
My dog and I accidentally
touched tongues.
How is it "accidentally"
when this is the fifth time?
Bart, isn't that
awfully similar
to the cootie patch
you did last year?
That was preventative.
This is morning-after.
Oh, you're right.
Oh, what am I going to do?
Good ideas don't grow on trees.
Hmm.
Or do they?
Good shot!
Not really. I was trying to
bounce it off your left testie.
"Testis," my friend.
Look, I need help with
my science fair project.
To sweeten the deal,
I'll pick you first
for basketball.
Ah! To be a mathlete!
Without the "M."
Fly, orb, and find thy hoop!
I'm in!
In the event of
a primary core breach,
you have 15 seconds
to avoid a complete...
Howdy!
A woman of stature!
Roz Davis, your new assistant.
Assistant?
Well, I have been pretty
overworked lately.
But I guess I should find out
a little bit about you.
I'm just a gal from Ohio
who never wants to
call her daddy again and say,
"I need to borrow money."
So your dad has money to lend?
This is where we get our coffee.
Just leave a little
at the bottom,
so someone else has to
make the next pot.
The burning smell
will let them know.
Genius.
Uh-oh.
It's old man Burns.
Hello, young man Burns!
Oh, Simpson, you do know
how to whip my buggy.
That sucker soaks up flattery
like a Twinkie soaks up gravy.
Well, when it's a handsome
guy like you talking...
Well...
Your giggle's like
strawberry wine.
Oh!
And your snort's
like a summer breeze.
That's not very
attractive, though.
You okay?
I'm fine.
Bart, I fail to see
the scientific function
of this "Homer Humiliator"
you've devised.
Well, we gotta
come up with something.
Hey, what if we make
some kind of robopet?
What made you think of that?
Thy will be done, Lord Vader.
Just don't hurt me.
Oh, please!
A robopet!
Not a bad idea.
Bully, Bart! Bully!
Where?
Is it Nelson?
No, Bart, it's just
an expression.
Who hath summoned me?
♪ Everybody ♪
♪ It's a future shock ♪
♪ Future shock ♪
♪ Future shock... ♪
Baby seal, huh?
Research shows
it's impossible to
gaze at a baby seal
and say anything but...
Aw...
Precisely.
And at science fairs,
the "aw"s get the "A"s.
Ah!
Heavens to Asimov!
Hmm.
Must make sure these
wires aren't crossed.
Aw...
Marge!
Get my seal club!
The big one!
They're all pretty big.
I'm an experiment.
Fine.
Check it out!
Aw...
So the soft fur, big eyes,
and gentle motion
are designed to make
it one hell of a pet,
with none of the poop.
This is the most adorable
thing I've ever seen
in my entire life.
What a wonderful science fair.
Unfortunately,
due to budget cuts,
we could not afford
our third place ribbon.
No in second place,
Lisa Simpson's grim description
of our short-sighted dependence
on fossil fuels.
It's about an asteroid.
They're all the same,
Gloomhilda.
First place goes to Bart Simpson
and Martin Prince...
Yeah!
...for creating a furry
robotic friend
who provides comfort
when humans fail to.
Which they will, trust me.
I carried you in my belly
for four and a half months.
When you fell out on the bus,
that's when my job ended.
Congratulations on
getting a ribbon, Lisa!
You must've baked
a mighty fine pie.
It wasn't a pie.
It was science!
And it's not fair.
My project was way
better than Bart's,
and I didn't have
help from a nerd!
I'm my own nerd!
Oh, sweetie.
Being second ain't the worst
thing that can happen.
Look at poor old
Jasper over there.
He lost his wife,
his kids don't call.
Soon he'll just be
bones and beard.
Wow.
While I was sitting here
feeling sorry for myself,
Bart's invention actually
changed someone's life.
And best of all, I got funding
for my Homer Humiliator.
Hmm!
Ooh! Ow!
Why would a Homer
Humiliator do this to me?
Yello.
Hey, Barney.
A free movie screening?
Of course I can go!
I just need somebody
to hold down the fort.
Hmm...
Hm! Oh, uh, Roz?
I have to step out for
one hour and 43 minutes.
Could you cover for me?
Go ahead.
Oh, uh... if an
emergency alarm goes off,
there's earplugs
in the top drawer.
Mm-mm.
Life imitates Flart.
It says that on the poster.
I thought of it first.
Marge, I just saw
the greatest movie!
Guess what happens when a mop
is replaced with an octopus.
I'll give you a clue.
It's funny!
Take off the 3-D glasses.
Simpson-- a gangly
little bird told me
you've been lollygagging
at the Biograph.
Someone snitched?
W-W-What are you
going to do to me?
You're demoted.
Up, or down?
Down!
Don't tell my wife.
So, partner,
what's next on the agenda?
Oh, um...
Back off, man!
Can't you see
you're embarrassing Bart?
When did you take that picture?
Last time you slept
over at my house.
I love when you're sleeping
and at peace.
Hey, Skippy, we need some more
of them loveable critters
for our friends at the home.
Unless you got any heroin.
You got any heroin?
Hmm?
Well, then, critters it is.
I'm telling you guys,
Roz told oldan Burns
I ditched work early,
and now I'm her assistant.
I don't know, Homer.
You're saying she's nice on the
outside, but mean on the inside?
No one could pull that off.
Enjoy.
And as for you, Homer,
don't worry.
You're at Moe's tavern--
lady-free since '83.
What the...?
This is a gentleman's club!
Yeah!
So, what you boys drinkin'?
I'm buyin'.
Can we just have
the cash value of the drink?
Be my guest.
I'd rather use my money
to buy a Moe
souvenir T-shirt.
That comes in kid sizes, too.
Oh, no, this is terrible.
What am I gonna do? Oh...
Aren't you gonna
come to bed, Homie?
Can't, Marge.
I'm fighting for my
professional life here.
Do you know what
I just learned?
My job is the reason
I get the checks every week.
And now that I'm demoted,
the checks have gotten smaller.
Not in physical size, but...
I know. I know.
I represent the Eternal Valley
funeral home,
and I'm here to talk about
an extremely unpleasant subject:
people continuing to live.
If we don't have a frickin'
funeral soon, people,
you can say good-bye
to Howard's Flowers!
Calm down, Howard Jr.
Now, here is the zip,
the zap and the zing.
We're gonna rewire
Charlie Loveable here
into the greatest threat
to seniors' lives
since nursing homes themselves.
Switcheroo.
Impressive.
Hard to believe two
ten-year-old kids built this.
And I heard one of them
did all the work.
Wow.
It's true.
Am I early?
You're late.
Since I got demoted,
I have to show my I.D.,
but the picture
was taken so long ago,
I put on a lot of weight,
so I have to stretch out
my face and say,
"I used to look like this."
Late.
You're mean.
Now, I want a list
of a hundred ways
to make your job worse by
close of business today.
- Can one of the hundred
be making the list? - No.
Can some of them be callbacks
to earlier ones?
Also, no.
Oh!
We're live at the
Springfield Retirement Castle,
where long-time resident,
Alice Glick, died last night,
at the paws of this
cuddly little killer.
Our Channel Six
substitute medical expert
Dr. Nick Riviera
had this to say.
The champion
was cleared to fight.
Ahem, Doctor, this
press conference
is about a nursing home death.
The Springfield police
are in the process
of taking all the robots
into custody,
safely returning the seniors
to their hopeless, dismal lives.
Shut that thing off.
I meant the TV!
Sorry.
Hi. We need someone
to reprogram our robots
to break out of jail.
A chance to reprogram robots?
Well, I had a date
with a beauty queen tonight,
but forget it.
Uh, hello, yes, hello,
Miss Wyoming?
I-I'll have to climb
your Grand Tetons another night.
The breast joke!
I-I served it up.
Why won't he love me?!
"Do this, do that."
Lousy Roz thinks she's so big.
Well, looks like
it's time for another
"End of the Walk Talk
With Homer and Ned."
Tonight's topic:
the niceness of the evening.
Hey.
Homer, all nonsense aside,
are you okalidokalaroony?
I'm having problems
with my new boss Roz.
She's the most evil person to
come out of Ohio since LeBron.
But at least he thought
long and hard
before screwing everybody over,
in public, for no reason.
You know, I knew
a backstabbing Buckeye
named Roz at Bible camp.
Twice as tall
as she should've been.
Is this her?
Come on!
The apple must be wreaking
havoc with the Twinkie!
It is.
But if you've got the stones,
I can tell you
how to slay that "Gal-ioth."
Are you aware that "stones"
means man junk?
What the-- I've been
using that around the boys.
Whew! Thank you.
Now, it was one of
our biggest celebrations,
the 19th Sunday after Easter.
We'd just had a rousing
no-fun run,
and in the heat of the moment,
I wanted to offer
my respectful best wishes.
Peace be with you.
Well, sir, she went crazy.
Crazier than
sleeping in on a Sunday.
I can't stand to be touched!
Never tell anyone!
And I haven't.
Not until now.
That's it! That's it!
My nightmare is over!
Oh, Flanders, you are
my personal savior.
Oh, that's nice,
but I don't approve of...
Hail Flanders!
Mightier than Jesus!
Yes, I, uh, I hereby call
to order this meeting
of the North American
Man-Bot Love Association.
I'll say this one more time:
we really should
change that name.
Yes, all right, I'll change it
to whatever you like,
as long as "Man-Bot Love"
is in there somewhere.
Now, let's look at
these blueprints, shall we?
Wish I'd thought of that.
Uh, first,
we remotely adjust them
so they will never be
malicious again.
There, there and there.
Now, arise, little ones!
Hey-Hey, what's going on here?
I better call 911.
Oh, it's always busy
when I call.
What a bunch of idiots.
Hey-- Aw, I can't
stay mad at you.
Go on, get out of here.
Oh, oh, Chief?
Yeah?
Yeah, you, too.
Although this millennium
is still young,
I feel it is time to award
this giant trophy, paid for
with your health care cuts...
...to our beloved Roz.
What the deuce?
Sarcastic clapping?
Congratulations, Roz.
What are you doing here,
Simpson?
If there isn't dry cleaning
in the back of my car,
there's gonna be
blood on my knuckles.
Uh, I just came to say
that you're perfect.
So perfect, I think
Mr. Burns should give you a hug.
Who told you?
I won't say,
but his initials are S.F.
Stupid Flanders!
Hug, hug, hug!
Hug, hug, hug,
hug, hug, hug, hug...!
You're fired.
I underestimated you.
I don't know what that
middle word means.
Well, it means my perception
of you is that you were
kind of a goof, but now I see
you're rather clever.
What is perception?
It's how I view you.
You understand that?
No.
I used to think
you were an idiot.
Now it turns out,
you're not such an idiot,
in fact, you might
even be smart.
Little help?
Rub the butter around you.
Need more butter!
And not the unsalted.
Do you want to get
out of there or not?
Mr. J., if I don't
get my green card,
they're gonna turn me
back into a washing machine.
No dawdling.
Just move it along.
Oy, oy!
My mechanical mensch!
How I missed you.
Bless you, boys.
Now that we got 'em back,
we'll never let 'em go again.
'Cause there's
no stronger force
than a senior citizen
holding onto a freebie.
♪ Golden years ♪
♪ Gold... ♪
♪ Golden years... ♪
D'oh!
Mm...!
Hey! Huh?
♪ The Itchy and Scratchy Show! ♪
It's alive!
It's alive!
Friend?
Bart, you want to
see something cool?
Oh, did you pick that
big scab off your knee?
No.
Don't touch the scab!
My science fair project proves
that an asteroid will strike
the earth on July 15, 9789.
Who cares?
I'll be President
of Hell by then.
Fine. Good luck
with your project,
which I'm sure you
haven't started yet.
I'll tell you my project.
A fisteroid hitting
the planet Nerd!
That's pathetic.
Aw, geez, I put
a lot of time in this.
Back to the drawing board.
Hmm...
Hey, Bart!
Is your cootie shot ready?
No. The science fair's
not till next week.
I really need that shot.
My dog and I accidentally
touched tongues.
How is it "accidentally"
when this is the fifth time?
Bart, isn't that
awfully similar
to the cootie patch
you did last year?
That was preventative.
This is morning-after.
Oh, you're right.
Oh, what am I going to do?
Good ideas don't grow on trees.
Hmm.
Or do they?
Good shot!
Not really. I was trying to
bounce it off your left testie.
"Testis," my friend.
Look, I need help with
my science fair project.
To sweeten the deal,
I'll pick you first
for basketball.
Ah! To be a mathlete!
Without the "M."
Fly, orb, and find thy hoop!
I'm in!
In the event of
a primary core breach,
you have 15 seconds
to avoid a complete...
Howdy!
A woman of stature!
Roz Davis, your new assistant.
Assistant?
Well, I have been pretty
overworked lately.
But I guess I should find out
a little bit about you.
I'm just a gal from Ohio
who never wants to
call her daddy again and say,
"I need to borrow money."
So your dad has money to lend?
This is where we get our coffee.
Just leave a little
at the bottom,
so someone else has to
make the next pot.
The burning smell
will let them know.
Genius.
Uh-oh.
It's old man Burns.
Hello, young man Burns!
Oh, Simpson, you do know
how to whip my buggy.
That sucker soaks up flattery
like a Twinkie soaks up gravy.
Well, when it's a handsome
guy like you talking...
Well...
Your giggle's like
strawberry wine.
Oh!
And your snort's
like a summer breeze.
That's not very
attractive, though.
You okay?
I'm fine.
Bart, I fail to see
the scientific function
of this "Homer Humiliator"
you've devised.
Well, we gotta
come up with something.
Hey, what if we make
some kind of robopet?
What made you think of that?
Thy will be done, Lord Vader.
Just don't hurt me.
Oh, please!
A robopet!
Not a bad idea.
Bully, Bart! Bully!
Where?
Is it Nelson?
No, Bart, it's just
an expression.
Who hath summoned me?
♪ Everybody ♪
♪ It's a future shock ♪
♪ Future shock ♪
♪ Future shock... ♪
Baby seal, huh?
Research shows
it's impossible to
gaze at a baby seal
and say anything but...
Aw...
Precisely.
And at science fairs,
the "aw"s get the "A"s.
Ah!
Heavens to Asimov!
Hmm.
Must make sure these
wires aren't crossed.
Aw...
Marge!
Get my seal club!
The big one!
They're all pretty big.
I'm an experiment.
Fine.
Check it out!
Aw...
So the soft fur, big eyes,
and gentle motion
are designed to make
it one hell of a pet,
with none of the poop.
This is the most adorable
thing I've ever seen
in my entire life.
What a wonderful science fair.
Unfortunately,
due to budget cuts,
we could not afford
our third place ribbon.
No in second place,
Lisa Simpson's grim description
of our short-sighted dependence
on fossil fuels.
It's about an asteroid.
They're all the same,
Gloomhilda.
First place goes to Bart Simpson
and Martin Prince...
Yeah!
...for creating a furry
robotic friend
who provides comfort
when humans fail to.
Which they will, trust me.
I carried you in my belly
for four and a half months.
When you fell out on the bus,
that's when my job ended.
Congratulations on
getting a ribbon, Lisa!
You must've baked
a mighty fine pie.
It wasn't a pie.
It was science!
And it's not fair.
My project was way
better than Bart's,
and I didn't have
help from a nerd!
I'm my own nerd!
Oh, sweetie.
Being second ain't the worst
thing that can happen.
Look at poor old
Jasper over there.
He lost his wife,
his kids don't call.
Soon he'll just be
bones and beard.
Wow.
While I was sitting here
feeling sorry for myself,
Bart's invention actually
changed someone's life.
And best of all, I got funding
for my Homer Humiliator.
Hmm!
Ooh! Ow!
Why would a Homer
Humiliator do this to me?
Yello.
Hey, Barney.
A free movie screening?
Of course I can go!
I just need somebody
to hold down the fort.
Hmm...
Hm! Oh, uh, Roz?
I have to step out for
one hour and 43 minutes.
Could you cover for me?
Go ahead.
Oh, uh... if an
emergency alarm goes off,
there's earplugs
in the top drawer.
Mm-mm.
Life imitates Flart.
It says that on the poster.
I thought of it first.
Marge, I just saw
the greatest movie!
Guess what happens when a mop
is replaced with an octopus.
I'll give you a clue.
It's funny!
Take off the 3-D glasses.
Simpson-- a gangly
little bird told me
you've been lollygagging
at the Biograph.
Someone snitched?
W-W-What are you
going to do to me?
You're demoted.
Up, or down?
Down!
Don't tell my wife.
So, partner,
what's next on the agenda?
Oh, um...
Back off, man!
Can't you see
you're embarrassing Bart?
When did you take that picture?
Last time you slept
over at my house.
I love when you're sleeping
and at peace.
Hey, Skippy, we need some more
of them loveable critters
for our friends at the home.
Unless you got any heroin.
You got any heroin?
Hmm?
Well, then, critters it is.
I'm telling you guys,
Roz told oldan Burns
I ditched work early,
and now I'm her assistant.
I don't know, Homer.
You're saying she's nice on the
outside, but mean on the inside?
No one could pull that off.
Enjoy.
And as for you, Homer,
don't worry.
You're at Moe's tavern--
lady-free since '83.
What the...?
This is a gentleman's club!
Yeah!
So, what you boys drinkin'?
I'm buyin'.
Can we just have
the cash value of the drink?
Be my guest.
I'd rather use my money
to buy a Moe
souvenir T-shirt.
That comes in kid sizes, too.
Oh, no, this is terrible.
What am I gonna do? Oh...
Aren't you gonna
come to bed, Homie?
Can't, Marge.
I'm fighting for my
professional life here.
Do you know what
I just learned?
My job is the reason
I get the checks every week.
And now that I'm demoted,
the checks have gotten smaller.
Not in physical size, but...
I know. I know.
I represent the Eternal Valley
funeral home,
and I'm here to talk about
an extremely unpleasant subject:
people continuing to live.
If we don't have a frickin'
funeral soon, people,
you can say good-bye
to Howard's Flowers!
Calm down, Howard Jr.
Now, here is the zip,
the zap and the zing.
We're gonna rewire
Charlie Loveable here
into the greatest threat
to seniors' lives
since nursing homes themselves.
Switcheroo.
Impressive.
Hard to believe two
ten-year-old kids built this.
And I heard one of them
did all the work.
Wow.
It's true.
Am I early?
You're late.
Since I got demoted,
I have to show my I.D.,
but the picture
was taken so long ago,
I put on a lot of weight,
so I have to stretch out
my face and say,
"I used to look like this."
Late.
You're mean.
Now, I want a list
of a hundred ways
to make your job worse by
close of business today.
- Can one of the hundred
be making the list? - No.
Can some of them be callbacks
to earlier ones?
Also, no.
Oh!
We're live at the
Springfield Retirement Castle,
where long-time resident,
Alice Glick, died last night,
at the paws of this
cuddly little killer.
Our Channel Six
substitute medical expert
Dr. Nick Riviera
had this to say.
The champion
was cleared to fight.
Ahem, Doctor, this
press conference
is about a nursing home death.
The Springfield police
are in the process
of taking all the robots
into custody,
safely returning the seniors
to their hopeless, dismal lives.
Shut that thing off.
I meant the TV!
Sorry.
Hi. We need someone
to reprogram our robots
to break out of jail.
A chance to reprogram robots?
Well, I had a date
with a beauty queen tonight,
but forget it.
Uh, hello, yes, hello,
Miss Wyoming?
I-I'll have to climb
your Grand Tetons another night.
The breast joke!
I-I served it up.
Why won't he love me?!
"Do this, do that."
Lousy Roz thinks she's so big.
Well, looks like
it's time for another
"End of the Walk Talk
With Homer and Ned."
Tonight's topic:
the niceness of the evening.
Hey.
Homer, all nonsense aside,
are you okalidokalaroony?
I'm having problems
with my new boss Roz.
She's the most evil person to
come out of Ohio since LeBron.
But at least he thought
long and hard
before screwing everybody over,
in public, for no reason.
You know, I knew
a backstabbing Buckeye
named Roz at Bible camp.
Twice as tall
as she should've been.
Is this her?
Come on!
The apple must be wreaking
havoc with the Twinkie!
It is.
But if you've got the stones,
I can tell you
how to slay that "Gal-ioth."
Are you aware that "stones"
means man junk?
What the-- I've been
using that around the boys.
Whew! Thank you.
Now, it was one of
our biggest celebrations,
the 19th Sunday after Easter.
We'd just had a rousing
no-fun run,
and in the heat of the moment,
I wanted to offer
my respectful best wishes.
Peace be with you.
Well, sir, she went crazy.
Crazier than
sleeping in on a Sunday.
I can't stand to be touched!
Never tell anyone!
And I haven't.
Not until now.
That's it! That's it!
My nightmare is over!
Oh, Flanders, you are
my personal savior.
Oh, that's nice,
but I don't approve of...
Hail Flanders!
Mightier than Jesus!
Yes, I, uh, I hereby call
to order this meeting
of the North American
Man-Bot Love Association.
I'll say this one more time:
we really should
change that name.
Yes, all right, I'll change it
to whatever you like,
as long as "Man-Bot Love"
is in there somewhere.
Now, let's look at
these blueprints, shall we?
Wish I'd thought of that.
Uh, first,
we remotely adjust them
so they will never be
malicious again.
There, there and there.
Now, arise, little ones!
Hey-Hey, what's going on here?
I better call 911.
Oh, it's always busy
when I call.
What a bunch of idiots.
Hey-- Aw, I can't
stay mad at you.
Go on, get out of here.
Oh, oh, Chief?
Yeah?
Yeah, you, too.
Although this millennium
is still young,
I feel it is time to award
this giant trophy, paid for
with your health care cuts...
...to our beloved Roz.
What the deuce?
Sarcastic clapping?
Congratulations, Roz.
What are you doing here,
Simpson?
If there isn't dry cleaning
in the back of my car,
there's gonna be
blood on my knuckles.
Uh, I just came to say
that you're perfect.
So perfect, I think
Mr. Burns should give you a hug.
Who told you?
I won't say,
but his initials are S.F.
Stupid Flanders!
Hug, hug, hug!
Hug, hug, hug,
hug, hug, hug, hug...!
You're fired.
I underestimated you.
I don't know what that
middle word means.
Well, it means my perception
of you is that you were
kind of a goof, but now I see
you're rather clever.
What is perception?
It's how I view you.
You understand that?
No.
I used to think
you were an idiot.
Now it turns out,
you're not such an idiot,
in fact, you might
even be smart.
Little help?
Rub the butter around you.
Need more butter!
And not the unsalted.
Do you want to get
out of there or not?
Mr. J., if I don't
get my green card,
they're gonna turn me
back into a washing machine.
No dawdling.
Just move it along.
Oy, oy!
My mechanical mensch!
How I missed you.
Bless you, boys.
Now that we got 'em back,
we'll never let 'em go again.
'Cause there's
no stronger force
than a senior citizen
holding onto a freebie.
♪ Golden years ♪
♪ Gold... ♪
♪ Golden years... ♪