The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 20, Episode 4 - Treehouse of Horror XIX - full transcript
The Simpsons' 19th Halloween Special, with parodies of "Transformers," "Mad Men," and "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown."
(HUMMlNG)
Hello. I'd like to vote
for president, governor,
and anything that will take money
away from our parks and libraries.
Use machine number three.
(HUMS)
(GROANlNG)
I can't fit in the booth.
Use the double-wide.
Ooh!
One of those electronic voting dealies!
ELECTRONlC VOlCE:
One vote for McCain. Thank you.
(LAUGHlNG)
No. I want to vote for Obama.
Two votes for McCain.
(EXCLAlMlNG)
Come on, it's time for a change!
Three votes for McCain.
No, no, no!
Six votes for President McCain.
Hey, I only meant one of those votes
for McCain!
(GASPS) This machine is rigged!
(GRUNTS)
Must tell President McCain.
This doesn't happen in America.
Maybe Ohio, but not in America!
(HOMER SCREAMlNG)
Okay. All I need is a Christmas gift for Lisa.
I don't have time to read all that.
(HUMMlNG)
Hmm.
Montreal Expos jersey, Somber String,
jacks, no ball, and a Slunky.
Oh, I wouldn't give these to my
worst enemy, which happens to be Lisa.
Girls don't like trucks.
Come back when you're something else.
(HONKlNG)
(GASPS)
Perfect!
Merry Christmas, Dad.
We bought you
three more minutes of oxygen.
Thank you, son.
Can I play with it outside? Can l? Can l?
(CHUCKLlNG) Sure.
(LAUGHlNG)
(LAUGHlNG LOUDLY)
Hmm.
Hey, Lise, I think I see one
with your name on it.
I don't know how
you could top last year's gift.
A box of your burps.
Yeah. Here's your stocking stuffer.
(BURPS)
Wow! A Malibu Stacy Convertible!
Oh, Bart! An actual present.
That's right, Maggie. It's a car.
MALlBU STACY: Let's go to the...
(CHOKlNG)
Posibots, transform!
ALARM CLOCK: Snooze!
LAMP: Three-way!
BOOM BOX: Melody!
(GRUNTlNG)
What?
Wait a minute. We're missing Sex Toy.
(SUGGESTlVE MUSlC PLAYlNG)
-Where have you been?
-Where haven't I been?
(CHUCKLlNG)
Hmm. Is there something different
about the kitchen?
-No.
-No. No.
Well, the toaster's
never lied to me before.
PlNK ROBOT: Hup, two...
SEX TOY: Nice planet.
(HUMMlNG)
(HOMER SCREAMlNG)
-Posibot engaged.
-Battle commencing in ten, nine, eight...
Hey!
Hey, Homer. How was your Christmas?
It was okay. I got Seinfeld, Season Seven.
Finally, a Boxing Day
that lives up to its name!
-Lisa, what's happening?
-Well, if I had to guess,
I'd say that two alien robot races
who've been battling for centuries
have chosen our planet
as the site for their ultimate confrontation.
It is a good planet to settle things on.
Oh! Ah!
Stop it! Stop it! Look! You have made
the nacho machine cry.
Cool!
Carnage Destructicus,
the moment has arrived, our final battle!
Your final battle, Bestimus Mucho!
Stop it! Just because
you're mad at each other
doesn't mean you have to
destroy our town.
-That does not compute.
-Really?
It computes a little.
What's this whole intergalactic tiff
about, anyway?
-You know, I don 't remember.
-Neither do l.
Maybe the non-transformer thing is right.
Thank you, human grandmother,
for pointing out that it is futile to fight
if we do not know why.
And now
that we are not fighting each other,
we can team up to ensla ve your planet.
That's great, because working
together, you can...
Oh!
(ALL SCREAMlNG)
Okay, who's the idiot who taught them
what foosball was?
I thought they might enjoy it.
Okay, Maggie. We'll be back in three hours.
Or longer, if something happens to us.
Maybe we shouldn't do this.
She doesn't know anyone here.
Look, sweetie.
There's a familiar face. Krusty!
(GlGGLlNG)
Hey, hey, kids! Your old pal Krusty's
gonna teach you five new words:
unlicensed use of my image.
All right, boys. See those Krustys
nobody paid me for?
Sandblast them!
Entertain the troops? No way!
What have they ever done for me?
Krusty, you made my daughter cry.
Hey, my intellectual property rights
were being infringed.
Do you know how that feels?
Do you? Huh? Do you?
(SCREAMlNG)
One, two, three. One, two, three.
It's no use.
(DOORBELL RlNGS)
Mr. Simpson, you have quite a talent
for killing celebrities.
(LAUGHlNG)
Well, I'm no drunk driving.
I'd like to introduce you
to some stereotypical ad men.
Simpson, we got
a swell little notion for you.
Did you know you can put
a dead celebrity in a commercial
and you don't have to pay them a thing?
Oh, my God! You finally did it!
You mixed Buzz Cola
with the smooth, rich taste oflemon!
Unfortunately, there are certain stars
who won't do what we want.
What's their problem?
They're still alive.
And then we thought,
"Who's good at killing celebrities?"
Me!
That's right!
Homer, would you be willing to acquire
some more accounts for us?
Well, you know, it is awfully hot today.
(CHUCKLlNG)
Now I'm too cold.
Mmm.
(PSYCHO KlLLER PLAYlNG)
Psycho killer
Qu'est-ce que c'est
Fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-far better
Run, run, run, run, run, run, run away
Oh, psycho killer
Qu'est-ce que c'est
Fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-far better
Run, run, run, run, run, run, run away
Psycho killer
Qu 'est-ce que c 'est
Fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-far better
Run, run, run, run, run, run, run away
We can't just sit here
while they exploit our images.
Iow, low transaction fees?
Sounds...Iike...quite...a...deal...pilgrim.
I hate...trans...action...fees.
(LAUGHlNG)
Hey, George Washington!
See if you think this is funny!
(WEDDlNG MARCH
PLAYlNG ON ORGAN)
MAN: It's the Springfield Wedding Chapel's
annual President's Day marriage-a-thon!
That ad implies that Mr. Lincoln
and I are betraying familiarities!
It's an outrage!
(CHUCKLES)
Yes, an outrage.
(ALL GRUMBLlNG)
(HORSE NElGHlNG)
So are we gonna sit here flapping our jaws
or are we gonna do something about it?
Now wait just a gosh-darn minute here.
We can't go taking the law
into our own hands.
These are people with hopes and dreams...
Put a sock in it, mush mouth!
All we are saying is let's eat some brains!
(SLOW MUSlC PLAYlNG)
Great party, Homer.
Murdering Kate Winslet paid
for that chocolate fountain.
(HORSE NElGHlNG)
(STUTTERlNG) Golda Meir!
(HA VA NAGlLA PLAYlNG)
Mmm.
-You ripped me off, see?
-No, I didn't, see?
You're gonna pay for what you done, see?
(GRUNTS)
I always thought I'd die of hepatitis, see?
Rip Taylor? You're not even dead!
Someone needs to check my apartment!
(LAUGHlNG)
(HUMMlNG)
(GASPS)
Let's get him!
Little sister,
is that moustache coming or going?
Well, your wife likes it.
(LAUGHlNG)
You're all right, goofy grape.
People, please! We're here to kill this jerk!
Before you kill me, I gotta know,
what is the one true religion?
It's a mix of voodoo and Methodist.
(HOMER LAUGHS MOCKlNGLY)
Shouldn't have left the key
under the mat, suckers!
So what do you do for fun around here?
Well, tonight we've got
a poker tournament at the rec center.
Ooh! After you, Mr. Pennyface.
-ls your wife up here?
-(LAUGHS) Well, we have an understanding.
Mmm.
(LlNUS AND LUCYPLAYlNG)
(YAWNlNG)
Good grief.
-I like your witch costume, Lisa.
-I'm not a witch. I'm a Wiccan.
Why is it when a woman is confident
and powerful, they call her a witch?
(TROMBONE PLAYlNG)
-What did you say, Mom?
-Nothing. I'm practicing my trombone.
So what are you wearing
to the Halloween party, Milhouse?
I'm not going to the party.
I'm going to the pumpkin patch
to wait for the Grand Pumpkin.
That means, "You kids have fun."
What's the Grand Pumpkin?
Every Halloween, the Grand Pumpkin
visits all the pumpkin patches in the world
and brings candy to kids who truly believe.
Milhouse, for the last time,
I made that up to mess with you!
-The Grand Pumpkin isn't real!
-I appreciate you testing my faith, Bart.
But it's not necessary. I believe
in the Grand Pumpkin, almighty gourd,
who was crustified over
Pontius Pie-Plate and ascended into oven.
He will come again to
judge the filling and the bread...
Sigh.
(GASPS) You've all come to wait
for the Grand Pumpkin with me!
Who wants to sing pumpkin carols?
I've got a pumpkin carol for you.
(CLEARlNG THROAT)
(SlNGlNG) You are such a stupid moron
It makes people want to punch you
The Grand Pumpkin 's super gay
Punch, punch, punch, punch, wedgie!
(ALL LAUGHlNG)
Your God is wrong.
Let's get to the Halloween party.
I want to hit the apple tank before
all of the Granny Smiths are bobbed out.
-Lise, you coming?
-I think I'll stay with Milhouse.
His glasses fog up when he cries.
More Granny Smiths for me.
-Lisa! Lisa! Wake up! He's here!
-What? The Grand Pumpkin is here?
No. I'm rehearsing what I'm gonna say
when he shows up.
He's here. He's here! He is here!
(LlVEL Y MUSlC PLA YlNG)
You owe me restitution!
If he sees us fighting, he might not come!
Grand Pumpkin, I know you're real.
Why won't you show yourself?
(SOBBlNG) Why?
Happy Halloween!
The Grand Pumpkin! You are real!
That's right, Milhouse.
Your childlike belief has brought me to life.
I knew you'd come! I even baked you
a loaf of homemade pumpkin bread!
How delightful.
Bread made especially for pumpkins.
Actually, it's made from pumpkins.
(EXCLAlMS)
(RETCHlNG)
Uh-oh.
(SHOUTlNG) Revenge!
(SCREAMlNG)
(CHUCKLlNG)
I'm gonna give you crossed eyes,
like you might see on an idiot,
a stupid triangle nose, and a big mouth
full of the ugliest-shaped teeth there are.
Square! And I'm gonna
make your friends watch.
No!
(MOANlNG)
Ladies.
Stupid.
(LlVEL Y MUSlC PLA YlNG)
(MUSlC STOPS)
Everybody, listen!
The Grand Pumpkin is real!
Hey! No hard-soled shoes!
(GROWLS)
(ALL SCREAMlNG)
Oh, God! Everywhere I look!
Pumpkin atrocities!
Care for a pumpkin seed?
(GASPS) You roast the unborn?
(GROWLlNG)
Touch me and I'll cut your friend.
What do I care? That's a yellow pumpkin.
-You're a racist!
-All pumpkins are racist.
The difference is I admit it!
NELSON: I'd rather die than hate!
This is all my fault!
The Grand Pumpkin said my childlike
belief was what made him come to life!
Belief, eh?
Hmm.
Say, Milhouse, have you by any chance
ever heard of Tom Turkey?
No. Who is he and what's his origin story?
Well, Tom is a magical turkey
who gave the Pilgrims the technology
to put buckles on their hats.
Now he appears every Thanksgiving
to children who believe.
Sounds plausible.
Tom Turkey, help me. I believe in you.
Are you looking for a particular part
of my brain, or...
Halt, yon pumpkin, most succulent
and plump! I be Tom Turkey!
A giant talking turkey? Preposterous!
Prepare for the Almighty's judgment,
thou stinking fruit of rotted vine!
Pumpkin segregation forever!
(GROANlNG)
I can't live on the outside! I can't!
(MOANlNG)
Milhouse, your childlike innocence
saved us all!
Tom, how can we repay you?
How about a Thanksgiving feast?
You can carve the turkey!
(GASPS) You eat turkeys?
Yeah, it's delicious!
Especially when we take stuffing
and shove it up the turkey's ass.
Revenge!
(CHlLDREN SCREAMlNG)
Looks like those kids found
the true spirit of Halloween,
or Thanksgiving, or whatever.
And for those of you who feel like
we've trampled on
a beloved children's classic,
I encourage you
to write to the following address.
Happy holidays, everyone!
English - US - SDH
Hello. I'd like to vote
for president, governor,
and anything that will take money
away from our parks and libraries.
Use machine number three.
(HUMS)
(GROANlNG)
I can't fit in the booth.
Use the double-wide.
Ooh!
One of those electronic voting dealies!
ELECTRONlC VOlCE:
One vote for McCain. Thank you.
(LAUGHlNG)
No. I want to vote for Obama.
Two votes for McCain.
(EXCLAlMlNG)
Come on, it's time for a change!
Three votes for McCain.
No, no, no!
Six votes for President McCain.
Hey, I only meant one of those votes
for McCain!
(GASPS) This machine is rigged!
(GRUNTS)
Must tell President McCain.
This doesn't happen in America.
Maybe Ohio, but not in America!
(HOMER SCREAMlNG)
Okay. All I need is a Christmas gift for Lisa.
I don't have time to read all that.
(HUMMlNG)
Hmm.
Montreal Expos jersey, Somber String,
jacks, no ball, and a Slunky.
Oh, I wouldn't give these to my
worst enemy, which happens to be Lisa.
Girls don't like trucks.
Come back when you're something else.
(HONKlNG)
(GASPS)
Perfect!
Merry Christmas, Dad.
We bought you
three more minutes of oxygen.
Thank you, son.
Can I play with it outside? Can l? Can l?
(CHUCKLlNG) Sure.
(LAUGHlNG)
(LAUGHlNG LOUDLY)
Hmm.
Hey, Lise, I think I see one
with your name on it.
I don't know how
you could top last year's gift.
A box of your burps.
Yeah. Here's your stocking stuffer.
(BURPS)
Wow! A Malibu Stacy Convertible!
Oh, Bart! An actual present.
That's right, Maggie. It's a car.
MALlBU STACY: Let's go to the...
(CHOKlNG)
Posibots, transform!
ALARM CLOCK: Snooze!
LAMP: Three-way!
BOOM BOX: Melody!
(GRUNTlNG)
What?
Wait a minute. We're missing Sex Toy.
(SUGGESTlVE MUSlC PLAYlNG)
-Where have you been?
-Where haven't I been?
(CHUCKLlNG)
Hmm. Is there something different
about the kitchen?
-No.
-No. No.
Well, the toaster's
never lied to me before.
PlNK ROBOT: Hup, two...
SEX TOY: Nice planet.
(HUMMlNG)
(HOMER SCREAMlNG)
-Posibot engaged.
-Battle commencing in ten, nine, eight...
Hey!
Hey, Homer. How was your Christmas?
It was okay. I got Seinfeld, Season Seven.
Finally, a Boxing Day
that lives up to its name!
-Lisa, what's happening?
-Well, if I had to guess,
I'd say that two alien robot races
who've been battling for centuries
have chosen our planet
as the site for their ultimate confrontation.
It is a good planet to settle things on.
Oh! Ah!
Stop it! Stop it! Look! You have made
the nacho machine cry.
Cool!
Carnage Destructicus,
the moment has arrived, our final battle!
Your final battle, Bestimus Mucho!
Stop it! Just because
you're mad at each other
doesn't mean you have to
destroy our town.
-That does not compute.
-Really?
It computes a little.
What's this whole intergalactic tiff
about, anyway?
-You know, I don 't remember.
-Neither do l.
Maybe the non-transformer thing is right.
Thank you, human grandmother,
for pointing out that it is futile to fight
if we do not know why.
And now
that we are not fighting each other,
we can team up to ensla ve your planet.
That's great, because working
together, you can...
Oh!
(ALL SCREAMlNG)
Okay, who's the idiot who taught them
what foosball was?
I thought they might enjoy it.
Okay, Maggie. We'll be back in three hours.
Or longer, if something happens to us.
Maybe we shouldn't do this.
She doesn't know anyone here.
Look, sweetie.
There's a familiar face. Krusty!
(GlGGLlNG)
Hey, hey, kids! Your old pal Krusty's
gonna teach you five new words:
unlicensed use of my image.
All right, boys. See those Krustys
nobody paid me for?
Sandblast them!
Entertain the troops? No way!
What have they ever done for me?
Krusty, you made my daughter cry.
Hey, my intellectual property rights
were being infringed.
Do you know how that feels?
Do you? Huh? Do you?
(SCREAMlNG)
One, two, three. One, two, three.
It's no use.
(DOORBELL RlNGS)
Mr. Simpson, you have quite a talent
for killing celebrities.
(LAUGHlNG)
Well, I'm no drunk driving.
I'd like to introduce you
to some stereotypical ad men.
Simpson, we got
a swell little notion for you.
Did you know you can put
a dead celebrity in a commercial
and you don't have to pay them a thing?
Oh, my God! You finally did it!
You mixed Buzz Cola
with the smooth, rich taste oflemon!
Unfortunately, there are certain stars
who won't do what we want.
What's their problem?
They're still alive.
And then we thought,
"Who's good at killing celebrities?"
Me!
That's right!
Homer, would you be willing to acquire
some more accounts for us?
Well, you know, it is awfully hot today.
(CHUCKLlNG)
Now I'm too cold.
Mmm.
(PSYCHO KlLLER PLAYlNG)
Psycho killer
Qu'est-ce que c'est
Fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-far better
Run, run, run, run, run, run, run away
Oh, psycho killer
Qu'est-ce que c'est
Fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-far better
Run, run, run, run, run, run, run away
Psycho killer
Qu 'est-ce que c 'est
Fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-far better
Run, run, run, run, run, run, run away
We can't just sit here
while they exploit our images.
Iow, low transaction fees?
Sounds...Iike...quite...a...deal...pilgrim.
I hate...trans...action...fees.
(LAUGHlNG)
Hey, George Washington!
See if you think this is funny!
(WEDDlNG MARCH
PLAYlNG ON ORGAN)
MAN: It's the Springfield Wedding Chapel's
annual President's Day marriage-a-thon!
That ad implies that Mr. Lincoln
and I are betraying familiarities!
It's an outrage!
(CHUCKLES)
Yes, an outrage.
(ALL GRUMBLlNG)
(HORSE NElGHlNG)
So are we gonna sit here flapping our jaws
or are we gonna do something about it?
Now wait just a gosh-darn minute here.
We can't go taking the law
into our own hands.
These are people with hopes and dreams...
Put a sock in it, mush mouth!
All we are saying is let's eat some brains!
(SLOW MUSlC PLAYlNG)
Great party, Homer.
Murdering Kate Winslet paid
for that chocolate fountain.
(HORSE NElGHlNG)
(STUTTERlNG) Golda Meir!
(HA VA NAGlLA PLAYlNG)
Mmm.
-You ripped me off, see?
-No, I didn't, see?
You're gonna pay for what you done, see?
(GRUNTS)
I always thought I'd die of hepatitis, see?
Rip Taylor? You're not even dead!
Someone needs to check my apartment!
(LAUGHlNG)
(HUMMlNG)
(GASPS)
Let's get him!
Little sister,
is that moustache coming or going?
Well, your wife likes it.
(LAUGHlNG)
You're all right, goofy grape.
People, please! We're here to kill this jerk!
Before you kill me, I gotta know,
what is the one true religion?
It's a mix of voodoo and Methodist.
(HOMER LAUGHS MOCKlNGLY)
Shouldn't have left the key
under the mat, suckers!
So what do you do for fun around here?
Well, tonight we've got
a poker tournament at the rec center.
Ooh! After you, Mr. Pennyface.
-ls your wife up here?
-(LAUGHS) Well, we have an understanding.
Mmm.
(LlNUS AND LUCYPLAYlNG)
(YAWNlNG)
Good grief.
-I like your witch costume, Lisa.
-I'm not a witch. I'm a Wiccan.
Why is it when a woman is confident
and powerful, they call her a witch?
(TROMBONE PLAYlNG)
-What did you say, Mom?
-Nothing. I'm practicing my trombone.
So what are you wearing
to the Halloween party, Milhouse?
I'm not going to the party.
I'm going to the pumpkin patch
to wait for the Grand Pumpkin.
That means, "You kids have fun."
What's the Grand Pumpkin?
Every Halloween, the Grand Pumpkin
visits all the pumpkin patches in the world
and brings candy to kids who truly believe.
Milhouse, for the last time,
I made that up to mess with you!
-The Grand Pumpkin isn't real!
-I appreciate you testing my faith, Bart.
But it's not necessary. I believe
in the Grand Pumpkin, almighty gourd,
who was crustified over
Pontius Pie-Plate and ascended into oven.
He will come again to
judge the filling and the bread...
Sigh.
(GASPS) You've all come to wait
for the Grand Pumpkin with me!
Who wants to sing pumpkin carols?
I've got a pumpkin carol for you.
(CLEARlNG THROAT)
(SlNGlNG) You are such a stupid moron
It makes people want to punch you
The Grand Pumpkin 's super gay
Punch, punch, punch, punch, wedgie!
(ALL LAUGHlNG)
Your God is wrong.
Let's get to the Halloween party.
I want to hit the apple tank before
all of the Granny Smiths are bobbed out.
-Lise, you coming?
-I think I'll stay with Milhouse.
His glasses fog up when he cries.
More Granny Smiths for me.
-Lisa! Lisa! Wake up! He's here!
-What? The Grand Pumpkin is here?
No. I'm rehearsing what I'm gonna say
when he shows up.
He's here. He's here! He is here!
(LlVEL Y MUSlC PLA YlNG)
You owe me restitution!
If he sees us fighting, he might not come!
Grand Pumpkin, I know you're real.
Why won't you show yourself?
(SOBBlNG) Why?
Happy Halloween!
The Grand Pumpkin! You are real!
That's right, Milhouse.
Your childlike belief has brought me to life.
I knew you'd come! I even baked you
a loaf of homemade pumpkin bread!
How delightful.
Bread made especially for pumpkins.
Actually, it's made from pumpkins.
(EXCLAlMS)
(RETCHlNG)
Uh-oh.
(SHOUTlNG) Revenge!
(SCREAMlNG)
(CHUCKLlNG)
I'm gonna give you crossed eyes,
like you might see on an idiot,
a stupid triangle nose, and a big mouth
full of the ugliest-shaped teeth there are.
Square! And I'm gonna
make your friends watch.
No!
(MOANlNG)
Ladies.
Stupid.
(LlVEL Y MUSlC PLA YlNG)
(MUSlC STOPS)
Everybody, listen!
The Grand Pumpkin is real!
Hey! No hard-soled shoes!
(GROWLS)
(ALL SCREAMlNG)
Oh, God! Everywhere I look!
Pumpkin atrocities!
Care for a pumpkin seed?
(GASPS) You roast the unborn?
(GROWLlNG)
Touch me and I'll cut your friend.
What do I care? That's a yellow pumpkin.
-You're a racist!
-All pumpkins are racist.
The difference is I admit it!
NELSON: I'd rather die than hate!
This is all my fault!
The Grand Pumpkin said my childlike
belief was what made him come to life!
Belief, eh?
Hmm.
Say, Milhouse, have you by any chance
ever heard of Tom Turkey?
No. Who is he and what's his origin story?
Well, Tom is a magical turkey
who gave the Pilgrims the technology
to put buckles on their hats.
Now he appears every Thanksgiving
to children who believe.
Sounds plausible.
Tom Turkey, help me. I believe in you.
Are you looking for a particular part
of my brain, or...
Halt, yon pumpkin, most succulent
and plump! I be Tom Turkey!
A giant talking turkey? Preposterous!
Prepare for the Almighty's judgment,
thou stinking fruit of rotted vine!
Pumpkin segregation forever!
(GROANlNG)
I can't live on the outside! I can't!
(MOANlNG)
Milhouse, your childlike innocence
saved us all!
Tom, how can we repay you?
How about a Thanksgiving feast?
You can carve the turkey!
(GASPS) You eat turkeys?
Yeah, it's delicious!
Especially when we take stuffing
and shove it up the turkey's ass.
Revenge!
(CHlLDREN SCREAMlNG)
Looks like those kids found
the true spirit of Halloween,
or Thanksgiving, or whatever.
And for those of you who feel like
we've trampled on
a beloved children's classic,
I encourage you
to write to the following address.
Happy holidays, everyone!
English - US - SDH