The Shivering Truth (2017): Season 2, Episode 1 - The Burn Earner Spits - full transcript

An emotiomoral X-ray device provides a detailed history of the United States, starting from May 1951 all the way up to tomorrow at 3:30dfs.

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[Noise]

♪ La, la ♪

♪ La, la ♪

Narrator: Then again,
after humans discovered

that prayer actually works...

Pardon me, sir.

Have you accepted the Lord
into your heart?

Yeah, matter of fact, I have.

Pray me a hoagie.
Make it snappy.

I'm starving...
a number seven with pimento!

All right. All right.



Everyone cursed with belief in
their creator was finally useful.

♪ La, la ♪
[Crunch]

Yeah, pray fly me home. Heh.
Come on.

Citizens grew used to having
all they desired...

a number eight with cheese...
[Crunch]

...number four, hold the bun.

[Crunch]

They began to yearn for the one
thing that had eluded them...

spiritual faith, number 19
with a side of hot soup.

[Angelic singing]

The second someone got God,
they were prayer-jacked.

Madness reigned.

[Engines whirring]

There was only one way
to make things right.



Everyone agreed to drop all faith

and forever believe nothing
on the count of three.

One, two...

[Title music]

[Laughing]

Narrator: So Hank Alto
experienced a medical issue

- each time he tried to pray.
- Ah! Ah!

Hmm, those little fellas want out.

[Clicking tongue]

[Arms stretching]

Who's sick of him?

You're sick of him, huh?

At that moment, Hank realized
all he ever wanted in life

was his hands back so he could
pray for his hands back...

[Hands snarl]

...because without prayer,
you have to work for your goals,

and the hardest part
of improving yourself

is deciding which purchase
will make you worthy of love.

[Engine revving]

Ah, this is a nice model.
Shall I ring it up?

Let me get your wallet.

Well, I'd like to try it first,
s... see how it looks.

No, no, no, no, no.
That's considered tacky behavior.

- Are you a tacky boy?
- But, um, how can I know if I like it?

Because you trust me
implicitly, baby.

Don't we got a good thing going?

I'd like to speak with a manager.

Hold on. Shut your dirty
mouth. I'm getting a text.

Ah, I just made manager!
[Horn blaring]

Up top!

Okay, then I... C...
can I talk to the owner?

Hold on.
Shh, quiet, quiet, let me...

Yo, I just bought this place!
[Horn blaring]

Up tip, yo!

I'm not purchasing this TV
until I see how it plays!

Fine. [Scoffs]
Golly.

Young girl: Help me!

I can't see!

Where am I?

Did I die?

See? It looks great, right?

- Shall we ring you up, tacky boy?
- What's that noise?

That's me yelling
about ringing you up.

No, the voice, it sounded like...

[Screaming]

Look, I'm not supposed
to do this.

I'm going to be honest with you.

- Why do you want a TV?
- Just to watch stuff, to relax.

[Whispering]

I can't really be dead.
This is all in my head.

Is it not relaxing? It's
the newest high-tech feature.

You're trying to sell me a TV
with a spirit of a dead

- little girl trapped inside it!
- Yes! That's the feature.

- Do you not recognize her?
- Who is she?

[evil voice] It's you,
the part of you that died

- the day you learned the truth.
- What truth?

Her name is Gretchen.
It's on all the latest models.

Pretty neat what they can
do these days.

- Go on. Ask her for something.
- No.

She died so you
could have luxury,

and you won't even
give her a chance?

What do...
What do I ask?

W... what does she do?

Anything people want from a TV.

Okay. Gretchen, make me
feel better about my life.

I'm stuck in here filled with fear.

Huh, that does make me
feel better.

- I'll take it.
- Great! [Horn blaring]

I'll just go ahead and sign
you up for the BGGBBR program

- at 300 smacks a month.
- Wait, what's that?

Gretchen is designed to creep
with such precision,

hidden messages pop.

I died for you.

It's all I do. I died.

The Blind Girl Goose
Bumps Braille

Reading System will decrypt them.

[Whispering] I died.
It's all I do.

She died for me.
This much is true.

So ring me up with the extended
service protection plan, too.

I was never a gadget guy,
but this is pretty neat.

I'm scared as hell.

Wh... What does that part say?

[Gasps]

It wants that I'm to kill you
for what you've done

- to poor Gretchen!
- Wh... What did I do?

It says, "You know,
that you must pay in pain."

And how did you want
to pay for that?

No! Those bumps are a liar!

Narrator: When you push your fear away,

it will emerge from somewhere
else stronger, angrier,

strangle-y-er.

[Stretching]

We got us a bubble pop.

Hop. It got away.
And we're off. [Crying]

[Screaming]

- How do we stop it?
- With the fear itself.

Nothing to be afraid of.

Tech rep will work out
the kinks for you.

Narrator: After all fear
escaped his body,

Hank's confidence broke out.

I love myself as I am!

[Stretching]

Aaaaaaah!

[Panting]

Aah! Aah! Aah!

[Smack!]

- Yep, these are all Twin Towers.
- How did this happen?

You must have got
pretty arrogant lately.

They call them cocky pox.

- Can you pop them?
- Oh, absolutely not.

They're fully functional
places of work.

Got a robust little economy
going, see?

Oop, we got a jumper.

Don't do it, you little cutie!
[Chuckles]

Best way to cheer them up
is jumper mint.

[Squeaking]

He's scratching me!
Get rid of them!

Hmm, well,
I can prescribe you something

to take them down a peg.

[Engines whirring]

[Explosions]

Hey, wow,
I feel like 100 bucks!

Narrator: After a health scare,

we are reminded what's important...

[Echoing] shopping.

[Coins clatter]

- Paper or plastic?
- Uh, paper, please.

[All gasp]

You scum.
You don't care about trees.

You murder trees.

No, no, sorry, yeah, no,
I'll go with plastic.

[All gasp]

[Cricket chirping]

Add more plastic to
the landfill? [Squeak]

Why don't you just strangle
a dolphin, too, sicko.

My planet is gasping her
death because of you! [Squeaks]

Oh, right, I'll just hold
everything in my arm worms.

[Blows air through teeth]

And waste the energy
that you could have used

- to help poor people.
- Okay, I'll go do that.

♪ La, la ♪

♪ La, la ♪

♪ La, la ♪

Pfft. Really?

[Squeak]
Just soup, nothing solid?

[Squeak] Pfft. Oh-ho-ho,
great, number sevens.

[Squeak] Folks need
spiritual nourishment

to fill their souls...

[Scoffs]
...and a place to crash.

♪ La, la ♪

Oh, blessings,
that's all you got,

no ascending to a glorious realm? Pfft.

[Groaning]

[Angelic singing]

Pfft.

How do I even know you really
transcended our material plane

and merged harmoniously
with the cosmos?

Pfft, pfft.

[Squeak]

Pfft. Tss.

[Squeak]

Pfft. Tss.
[Squeak]

Girl: The force of Ike's scratch
made Ike's face to turn red

as his fidgeting finger
plunged deep in his head.

When your giggling digit
grows a mind of its own,

who knows who controls
the wriggles it gives.

Ike's finger discovered
and Ike then was shown

the path of his brain
where righteousness lives.

Oh, yeah, I'm so right.

Oh, I'm so right!

Girl: Once the spurt
of his rightness,

it gushed and unfurled,

he knew he must share
his gift with the world.

How can I help you today,
brother?

Oh, I'm so much better than you,
oh, me so better.

Oh, me so better.

- Oh, oh, brother! Oh, me so better!
- Why? Ooh!

So though just a nub,
he continued to rub.

He rubbed in the tub,
and he rubbed in the pub.

He rubbed on the run,
all over the place.

He rubbed just for fun
in everyone's face.

For the treasure God bakes
and makes you a man,

his pleasure, he takes
when he feels better than.

The worst knee to the groin
of the heart

the world has seen
was envious green as

Ike flicked his brain's bean.

This morality test made
them vow to do nice,

so they plugged up his gush
and gave true sacrifice.

[Squeak, stretching]

[Pop]

Proud Ike could no longer
make folks seem inferior.

They each plunged a pointer

through their own head's interior.

The same goo that had once made
folks feel so bad,

that goo became good.
Oh, the gush that was had.

This goo was the cure
for their spirits' diseases.

He lifted all hearts,
out-gooded all geez-s.

Now in lieu of the doing
of doing good things,

they'd feel just good feelings
of good the goo brings.

The goo was pure goodness.
It had to be.

They spread good like angels,
left good for free.

We stepped out for such truth.

What's this nub thing,
where, how?

He is the proof that it's real.

Man: I'm rubbing mine now.

♪ There's blood
in the kitchen ♪

♪ There's blood in the hall ♪

♪ There's blood in the parlor ♪

♪ Where my lady did fall ♪

♪ Long Lankin was hanged
on a gibbet so high ♪

♪ And the false nurse was burned
in a fire close by ♪